Excuse the fingers to keyboard moment

The house is silent--the window to the study is opened and I can hear the cicada singing. It's the first of the season.....or at best, the first of the season I've heard.

I fear the latter is the truth.
Rushing around, burning candles at both ends..and in the middle, truth be known. It's been alit for a while. I've known it--himself has known it. Everyone around me has known and noted it.

Gotta slow down. Gotta do less and enjoy more...gotta put your feet up once in a while and say 'to heck with the paperwork'.

I know.
I've known. It's not been a secret.

I suppose if I'm honest with me (and isn't that the point of fingers to keyboard), I've known for a long time.
I know some of it's avoidance.
I know some of it's denial.

Things are as they are.
Rushing around like a madwoman won't change what IS. That's always been a great, temporary deterrent for me, but it's never been a good lasting solution. I guess if all the rushing about brings me to this place, it's not an all bad thing.

You'd think by now, since I KNOW different, I'd DO different.
*sigh*

Obviously that's a 'negative'... Mel's doing insanity--expecting different results but still doing the same stupid things'.

Yesterday I relived chemo-therapy without having the actual treatment.
I know what the issue is....was.. When I take medications late and then get up two hours later to do emergency work stuff--it doesn't give 'stuff' a chance to process in 'sleep mode'.
I managed to show up for work early--operating on three hours of sleep....and started the throwing up process.
And it was a constant throwing up ordeal. If I moved, get the heck outta my path so I can get into the bathroom without an obstacle in my path.
The staff rang himself--handed me a bucket and walked me down the steps to the Jeep.
That's old stuff.
And it was a longer term staff member who went with me down the stairs...who asked me if something was going on that they needed to know about cuz of how familiar this looked.

And today--it was like yesterday never happened.

Did I scare the Brit....yup.
Did it bother the heck out of me....yeah....
Troubles of my own making, I know.

Did I stop to think twice Wednesday evening when I got the phone call?
No.
Should I have?
Undoubtedly.

That's a distraction, a single circumstance. Hopefully, it's an isolated incident. Hopefully I'll make it an isolated incident.
But what's left--when I take away the noise of everything swirling around--is the cicada, singing it's summer song.
And I'm hearing it.

I need to listen more.
I need to accept things as they are and stop trying to manipulate having things as I'd like them--at the cost of missing the cicada's song.
I KNOW BETTER.

*sigh*

I say this now.
And I'll move from here to the patio to listen some more.
But what about tomorrow?

Stop it Mel.
What matters is what you do today....

I'll go to the patio now.

Teamwork

QOTW

In your current relationship--what makes you nervous and how do you handle it?


Well--hmmmmm....


He's more intolerant/impatient and isn't opposed to making that known--in a sometimes 'unacceptable to ME' manner. He's got an idea of what 'service' and 'social conduct' is suppose to look like--and 'katie bar the door' if it isn't produced. (Oh, it's acceptable if I'M the disruption and socially out of the 'norm'.....but let it be someone else?!)

I get a tad nervous....and I sometimes poke him in the shoulder and give him a 'rawrrrr'. And that's on a 'good day'. ;-)

Standing in checkout lines at the store--if there's any sort of wait, I volunteer to do the checking out and suggest he bring the car.
Self preservation....

*laughing*

As much as I dislike shopping, it's my way of attempting to alleviate his standing in line and having to put up with someone who might have to ask the cashier a question (heaven forbid!).

He'd call it 'intolerable behavior/unacceptable service'.
I'd say you don't meet intolerance with intolerance....and 'stuff happens'.

He's been known to make his displeasure known in a sardonic, 'bent humour' type of way--loud enough for (here comes the nervousness) others to hear....or so goes my concern.

Now, I know his quirky sense of humour but the rest of the world does NOT.
And I sometimes I end up intervening with "Don't make me apologize for your English-ness, sir"......or even worse, I've wrapped my arms around him to physically hold him at bay and created my own drama with "OH NO!!! Quick--someone call Buckingham Palace and alert the Queen....there's a LINE at Target!!"

*laughing*
Perhaps HE'S the one who ought to be nervous and not I?
Or maybe he IS the nervous one in the situation and it's just his way of manipulating out of standing in line with me........

Hmmmmmmmm........

Fairy Dust

Anger can be such a potent, frightening emotion.

It can also be a feeling that guides us to important decisions, sometimes decisions difficult to make.

It can signal other people's problems, our problems, or simply problems we need to address.

Woomph....

Zactly.

*sigh*

Thinkin' kryptonite is something akin to burning the candle at both ends.

"Twice as bright--half as long....."

Got it.
NOT that I didn't have it to begin with.....apparently I believed that one didn't apply to little ol' MEMEME.

Oy.....
Definitely applies...

Today's Fairy Thought

We need to make careful, thoughtful choices because they will further define our characters.

Each action we take clearly indicates the persons we are becoming.

When we have consciously and deliberately chosen that action because of its rightness for us, we are fully in command of becoming the persons we choose to be.

Our actions reveal who we are, to others and ourselves.

We need never convey an inaccurate picture of ourselves.

We need only take the time and risk the courage necessary to behave exactly as we choose.

TFTD

All our good intentions, no matter what they may be, do not really mean anything until we move into action.

When we act on our ideas, we put ourselves into the world as a force for change.

Waiting on Nana

Things that make me happy

....rollercoasters going clickity clackity, clickity clackity-- swoooooooosh.

....huge puddles for splashing in.

....hopping toads.

....hummer moths.

....multi colored cotton candy on a paper cone.

....floppy sandals with nothing between the toes.

....the pushover smiling at the bug.

....wee little sleepy sighs.

Today's Thought

It's easy to imitate the dreams and aspirations of those around you, and to think you want what they want.

But remember that you have your very own, unique dreams, and those are the dreams to follow.

Sleeping with Bread

The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff.

It's feeling like pretty crusty bread at this point. Not freshly made, a bit stale and crunchy where it ought not be. *sigh*

The fellas are at a baseball game--which leaves me at home, alone.

It's not that I 'feel' unwelcomed or that I wasn't included/asked.....it's that I've made himself responsible for doing what he's got to do instead of feeling like I need to sign up for it every time there's a coming or goings.

Frankly, I'm too stale, crunchy and moldy. *laughing*

My bread is plain 'icky'.

I was thinking I needed this bit of time to simply regroup, inventory the heck outta my attitude and get myself pointed in a different direction......

When was I most free this week?

HAVE I been free this week?

Who'd want moldy, stale, icky bread?!

That's not a good sign, is it?

Oh....I suppose the thing that sticks out most in this week was when I had the bug for the evening.
Everyone went away.
No more people--just me and the bug.
No more having to 'be' where I'm not....no more 'acting as if'.

I just got to put the bug on the floor and watch her kick and flail and carry on. She set off the iPenguin with her thrashing around. *laughing* Yup--they were both carrying on with the flapping and squawking....

It's the most 'free feeling moment' I felt all week.

No fretting about what we're doing next, where we're going, who's coming--what's happening.... I just got to lay on the floor and watch little feets and little fists flail and big smiles happen. And all that noise and fan-fair that comes with a people packed event--gone. At least momentarily it was.

And that was a good thing.

When was I least free?

That just leaves all the rest of the week. *sigh*

Between the 26YO, himself and his 'issue' coming to head, the worksite, the kiddos at work who're doing their own traumas, the staff who're dealing in their life problems and need a place to go to to tell the truth.... the pigeons who're struggling with life and realities.....not a real 'freeing' kind of environment everywhere I turn as of late. Here or there.....

Lots of service work.....and I mean lots.

Ultimately, that's a good thing.

It just doesn't always 'feel' freeing.

*sigh*
Maybe it's more about having 'MY kingdom' invaded from all angles.
Maybe it's more about getting away from the familiar routines and disciplines I've come to find solace and comfort in.

Maybe it's more about me and my precious attitude about all the above than I care to admit at this moment in time?

Still--I'd rather it be about the overflow of bodies around me, the noise, the hype, the comings and goings of 'human beings' where there's normally one Alien and one Brit.

That way I'm the victim.

*sigh*

Yeah, right.

It's me and my precious attitude ABOUT the circumstances.......

Dear G-d.......please remove my brain. And please remember that includes that whiny 'thinking' I have goin' on about people, places and things interfering with MY plans and MY space and MY agenda..... Yeah, yeah, yeah....
Amen.

I closed the door......

In a split second, I made the decision.

I closed the door.

Himself tells me he tip-toed around the house trying not to awaken the supposed sleeping one, surprised when the 26YO walked in the front door at 9:30a.m. with a "Good morning, dad".

Now, mind you, the 26YO didn't ask me-- I volunteered.....

I closed the door.

I figured buying time would be a good thing.
See, if the dad thought the 26YO was in bed asleep, it would spare him fretting and calling out the State Troopers to start checking the ditches for dead bodies.

The good news is *I* bought time by doing what I normally do on a Sunday morning.


Yaknow--WPIML asked if he oughta send me to an AlaNon meeting......
Cuz not only did I shut the door, I turned off the lights, unlocked the door AND turned off the porch light....
I'm such a smart-arse.....

"Do they have those in jail--cuz once I know he's safe and well, I'm gonna kill 'im" .......

*sigh*

Yes--the 26YO IS alive and well.
He won't stay that way if there's a repeat performance......
JUST sayin'....

Sleeping over with Nana

*laughing*

She giggles and smiles and wiggles.

And... She snores.

Just sayin'......

TFTD

Just for a moment, live in joy.

Forget about what should or should not be, and just let yourself be as you are.
Let go of the need to need.

You already are enough, and that it is magnificent.
Do not worry about what will be or what won't be.

There is limitless beauty in what is, in who you already are.

I cannot keep up.....

And I quit trying to.
Seriously.

If himself feels a need to shove five years into three weeks--I say 'have at it', 'run it til the wheels fall off, babe'......

I need to mean that, for a host of reasons.
*sigh*

I know it's difficult to be parted from your kiddos.
I know being here was a choice that affected everyone.

I also know that no amount of 'talk' will allieviate that 'guilt' that hits him now and then. Time won't subtract from that--the circumstances of time will only add to it.

I don't suspect that watching me and the bug makes it easier.
In fact, I suspect it adds to it.....how could it not...

I know this one won't go away.
And there's nothing I can do to make it different today.

Run it til the wheels fall off, babe.....I'll work on not falling into the trap and save my energy for picking up the pieces.....

Happy Fairy Thought

Let a joy keep you. Reach out your hands and take it when it runs by.

—Carl Sandburg

TFTD

What we often forget is that the difficult periods of our lives stretch us, enlighten us, ready us to be all we desire within to be.
This moment is sacred.

All moments are sacred.

They will not come again.

What is offered this moment for us to grow on will not be offered in exactly this way again.

TGIF

Fairy Thought

There is only one place to start, and that is right where we are, in our current circumstances. The place we begin is with us, today, right where we are.

Today's Thought

We live with commitment to our highest values.

We stay in tune with our inner voice to help us make choices.

We play, we love, and we celebrate the miracle of life every day, not because there is no grief, but because life is precious and time is limited.

And for the record......

Tractor Pulls......are LOUD.

Tractor Pulls are very, VERY LOUD.

O
M
G

Is there a reason very, VERY LOUD Tractor Pulls HAVE to be done on 'handful Wednesday nights'?

I'm sure there is.......



*sigh*

Oh yeah.......and let's not forget they end every evening with fireworks.
Very, VERY LOUD fireworks....

Gave proof through the night....

So he's 'the 26 year old'. OH boy is he the 26 year old. *laughing*

We get separated on an outting and after 15 minutes of being missing the Brit rings him on the cell--which goes to England and makes its way back to the lost 26YO in Iowa--who assures his father, though he wandered off 'just a bit', he'll meet us at 'it looks like a park' area.

Yeah, well....we hit 'it looks like a park area' and wait and wait....and wait..and himself frets. Yup....another chunk of time and the 26YO ambles in munching on an ice cream cone.
Nope--he didn't realize just how far off he'd wandered or how long we'd been separated......and it's a 'jolly good' ice cream cone.

I've now decided we need one of those harnesses they put on toddlers. *laughing*
Oh.
And valium for the Brit.

Ah well, he IS the 26YO. And he's not 'shy'--in the least bit. "Don't you know any 26 year olds who'd show me the town as they experience it?"

HELL YES I DO......NO.......ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!

(k....MIGHTA been a bit reactive....)

Yeah, well..... apparently I passed on the above 'subliminal' message to the crew that works with me.
When I approached them about POSSIBLY extending themselves to show the 26YO around town....yeah, well......let's just say I was informed they were all very willing..but they were a bit concerned about what would get back to me. LOL

Oh, I can't blame 'em. I mean...we're talkin' ME.
So.
Cuz sometimes I can be a bit-----rigid? (nah..wrong word....LOL)

....I even went to the boss and told him the thought of letting the staff entertain the 26YO scared the CRAP outta me (and apparently scared the crap out of the staff with whom I work). I mean.....SHOULD I let 'em?!

"LET 'em. No jail time allowed."

Right.

So......


Does the 26YO now have an agenda?

OH yeah....anything goes, short of jail time, seemed to do the trick.

k....either I owe the boss or I OWE the boss. (to be determined at a later time!!!!)

The 26YO's got a concert on Thursday (12 semis are due to arrive to support THAT show).

(tells me I oughta hear it just fine from the patio is what it tells ME! LOL)

Saturday there's a trip north with another crew for 'a night out and about' at another county fair which involves another concert and (undoubtedly) another beer tent.

Sunday--the waterpark.

Oh--and Friday the girl and the other other boy will be kidnapping him to do the fair/concert and assorted other things....while I suffer and provide babysitting for the bug.
(ohhhhhhhhh the sacrifice!!)

Oh the stories I hope that do NOT get back to me. *laughing*


And if they do?


I know where my boss lives.......

Things that make me happy

....singing crickets.

....the absence of Japanese Beetles. (rawrr!! Pesky things were eating my flowers! rawwrr!!)

....antique cars toodlin' along with their 'putt putt' sounds.

....the smell of cotton candy.

....squishy, rattling toys.

....wee, bitty shoes on wee bitty feets.

....freed wee bitty feets. LOL

....hot air balloons.

Pfffffffftttttt

Yup.......the bug of my choice.

*laughing*

She's a funny little thing.

TFTD

I pray that I may await with complete faith for the next good thing in store for me.

I pray that I may always keep an expectant attitude toward life.

k.....

Of all the people.
I mean....I've never done it.
EVER.
Ever.

And of all the people....Me.
ME.

I.....have locked myself out of my work account by putting in the wrong password not once, not twice....but three times.

THREE TIMES.

O
M
G

Bug (of the 'other' type)

QOTW 7/21

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay.

What day of the week were you born--and is it true?


*laughing*

That makes it a Monday.

NO way.
I was a premature baby. So I'm thinkin' all bets were off on this one.

Fairy Thought for the Day

Your situation is what it is.
Your perspective on that situation is whatever you choose for it to be.

Let the insanity begin!!!!!

Wow it's been busy in this household. Not so much for me, but himself is quietly informing me he's tired.

I bet.

Keeping up with a 26 year old--bit of a losing battle. LOLOL

And it's Fair week...OH Lordie is it Fair week.

The trucks were rolling in last evening--disrupting my piece of peace on the patio....*sigh*

It's just one week...
(I'll keep telling myself this..)

But it's a crazy week.
Even if it is fun for all....it's still insane.

I'll start a list.
Everything is more manageable when there's a list involved.

Yeah...right....LOL

Now--who's coming which night?
And how long are they staying?

And what are we doing to feed the masses?

Oh wait. That's why we have 'he who can cook'!
OH wait. He'll be busy with the 26 year old.

UH oh.....

Fairy Dust

When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice.
—William James

Sleeping with Bread

There's an extra body in the house.

I'm glad for himself--it's been three years since he's seen the kiddo. And I dare say, he's a great kiddo.
I don't think I'm 'just being biased'. I really do think he's a fine gent.

But I'll admit to things being a bit upsidedown and inside out for me with the additional body in the house.

The familiar routine that I rely on has been disrupted.
That quiet time and alone space has been few and far between.
There's been 'comings and goings' and trips here and there.
There's been showing offs and invites to.
There's been people in and out.
There's been later evenings (he is 26!!) and earlier mornings (trying to 'eek in' the familiar).
There's been less free space and more 'things'.

There's been the 'unfamiliar'.
Lots of it.
And while I'm fairly good at adjusting and 'going with the flow' (especially when I know it's temporary)....I'm flailing a bit.

It's all the above.
And fair week is next week.....with more people, more comings and goings, more noise and commotion, and even less free space--and even more 'things'....

And this morning, there's beer on the kitchen counter.......and in the refridgerator.......


It bothers me.

I'm not sure why.

But I'm pretty sure the 'why' isn't that darn important at this moment.
Recognizing and owning that it does bother me is enough for right now.


The good news is-- I'm headed out for the familiar.
This morning I'll meet with a couple pigeons, hit the meeting and go see the bug and the girl/the other, other boy.
I was smart enough to keep those arrangements.
I was convinced that 'other people' would need me to still be available for them.
I'm now convinced that I need them available..... for me.




I don't even like beer.

Fairy Thought

The act of loving someone else brings us together, closes whatever the gap between us.

It draws us into the world of another, making richer the world we call our own.

And today....

....was all about meat on a very large grill.......steaks and lots of 'em....

....a shoreline exploring Rocky......

....red birdies calling to their mate....

....long legged birdies wading....

....and little boats, little boats!!

:-)

Yup.

Definitely a very good day!

Lacework

TFTD

It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.

We may be tempted to take a passive approach.
Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.
Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.

We learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness.
We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.
We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it.
We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort - for the other person and ourselves.
If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.
If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.
Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do.

Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time.
If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.

Another path

Today's Thought

When we truly care about someone, we don't snatch him or her out of his or her learning experience.

When we allow our loved ones and friends to confront the natural consequences of their own actions, they learn and grow just as we do.

QOTW

What will you do this evening?


Day's just starting...and I'm not that good of a planner.

Patio sitting will happen.......and candles.
Star gazing if the heavens allow.
Listening to the frog chorus, pondering what moth is fluttering by the strand of mini-lanterns.....
Enjoying the peace of the nights song.

And maybe--if I'm slick about it.....popcorn.

Fairy Dustings

We can open ourselves to the possibility that things will turn out well.

It's all good.....

The boys are having a 'boys night out'.
This is a good thing.
Undoubtedly good for them.

And equally good for me.

There's time.
There's silence.

And that French Press '2 cup' caraffe of coffee?
ALL MINE.

Within ten minutes......

....The Brit's Son has proven the Brit to be 'spot on'.

He is quiet and shy. (for about the first eight minutes)
And then all bets are off and 'Katy bar the door'--he's the spitting image of the 'give 'em grief for all they're worth' that the Brit is.

*shaking head*

Somehow, I think this three weeks will fly right by.

That's what it does when you're havin' fun, right?

Oh--and pulling into the driveway was an interesting event.

Signs.....balloons...

"BLOODY HELL--The Brit's son is here." "Let the funtimes begin!" "Call for a good time" "Welcome to Iowa"

*laughing*

The good news is, he's a trooper and he was flattered by the welcoming decorations.

The bad news is--he's a good lookin' kid and was flattered by the welcoming decorations.

Have I mentioned that I have one or two (dozen!) single females that work with me......

Wee TFTD

The best help we can get or give is that which enables us to do things without it.

Things that make me happy

....clean windows and curtains.

....bouncy balls that go wayyyyyyy high...(the ones that don't require a ladder for gutter removal maybe?)

....watching people meet and greet at the airport.

....anti-mosquito candles.

....flutterbys on the buglia plant--finally blooming!!

....fair week. (it's just around the corner already!)

....sisters who plan on helping with Halloween decorations. :-)

....missing cellphones. (until the reality of what that REALLY means sinks in...LOL)

Today's Thought

It can be all too easy to come up with excuses.
And it can be all too easy to let those excuses stop you in your tracks.

Stop telling yourself why you cannot do it and start reminding yourself why you must.
When you have a strong enough reason why, you'll get it done.

So I sent a text to the girl.....

"You didn't marry his son--and it's only for a bit. You'll be fine. As far as entertaining him, we'll take him on Fair Friday and you can take the bug.... Oh....and we can take him out for drinks some night too, if need be. Or, hey! You can take the bug and we can do a bonfire and beer with the neighbors like true Iowans. LOLOL"

OH MY GAWDDD

"AND we can let him play with powertools.....before the beer and bonfire of course."

OMG OMG OMG!!!!

"No worries, mom. I know LOTS of people who'll make you look sane and wonderful."




She is sooooooooooooooooooo her mother's child, the little terrorist.....



(Ohhhhhhh....but I can definitely take the bug.....)

*checking clock*

Right. About this time tomorrow, I'll be plus one more Brit.

I'm not so nervous.....I mean--what's to be nervous about? It's himself's son, the middle man/child. He's 'very quiet, very shy...very much like me....' Yeah, yeah, yeah...'quiet and shy' are NOT what I'd use to describe himself.

k... I might be a tad nervous.
I mean, this is one I've not had the pleasure to meet.
He's made a point to tell the Brit that it'll be a visit filled with 'firsts' for him.....including having the pleasure of meeting me.

ACK!

k.....well, I'm sure that'll go fine.
I mean, what's to worry about.
I'm a 'cool mom'....I'm easy goin'...

I'm mouthy, belligerent and a force to be reckoned with.

Shy and quiet. Pshaw!!!!!

*sigh*

I'll work on being quietER.

Yeah, right.....what are the odds of THAT ever happening?!

O
M
G.....

(what if he doesn't LIKE me.... I mean, that could happen....)

Nah.

(OMG..... but what if it did......)

Squirrel impersonating a corn holder

Uh huh....

Naughty squirrel.

Today's Fairy Thought

Every action has a certain and unavoidable consequence.

Everything you do makes a difference in one way or another.

Whether that fact is a blessing or a curse is completely up to you.

Sleeping with Thumb

k.....maybe not sleeping when the fishies are swimmin'.....

Sleeping with bread.....

There's a ripple effect that happens--and I don't always get to see it.

Just because I don't get to see it, doesn't mean that it isn't happening......

What I do, what we all do, has an effect on others. For the good or not so good--what we do, matters.

This week has been a 'matters to this one' kinda week.
You know-- story of the starfish laying on the beach that gets tossed back, despite the seemingly futile gesture considering the beach is littered with starfish.......
"Matters to this one"...

I kept reminding myself, in spite of the seemingly futile works that lay in front of me--"Matters to this one".
And frankly, what I do, even in what appears to be a futile state, MATTERS.
It always matters.

Oddly enough, it seems to matter more when the efforts appear futile.
The good news--for me, that alone brings value to the efforts.

I enjoy doing things in the face of adversity.....especially when it all seems dark and hopeless.
Bringing light into darkness is something I'm pretty comfortable with.
Challenging what seems unchallenge-able---- Bring it on.

I'm grateful G-d made me this way.


Ripples.

One way or another, ripples--

"Matters to this one....."