Talk about one of the most uncomfortable moments you can remember.....Oy boy....I'd prefer not to. *sigh* I still feel the humility that was involved.
Ready. Set....... GO!!
I'm a prideful woman--a pretty private person. If it's not required
for work, it has no place
at work. If I can manage the circumstances so they won't affect work, that remains private and ought not to be brought into the work place.
And I'm a control freak.
This is self confessed over and over and over again.
I don't like feeling out of control--even if I recognize I am NOT in control of the whole ball of wax.
I failed to tell people at the worksite that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I failed to let them have any knowledge of there even being a medical concern in my life. I informed my immediate supervisor. But I'm not at the worksite to talk about MY stuff, I'm there to help others wade through theirs. I saw no reason to let that simple fact of my existence enter into to the work place.
I also had a pretty clear idea of what I was willing to let people be a part of and what I wasn't willing to let people be a part of.
My cancer diagnosis was not something they needed to worry about or be a part of. Yank it out and move on forgoodnesssakes!
True to my theory in life, I opted a number of times to have the lesser treatment. Give me choices and I'm notorious for choosing the 'easier, softer way'. Multiple times I'd miss work under some 'guise' so as not to tell people the truth and risk that 'stuff' entering into the worksite. They yanked it out and I moved on. That was my plan and it was working brilliantly.
'Separation of church and state' is great in theory.
And I darn near pulled it off....until it became whittled away for me and the clarity arrived.
"The lesser of two evils is STILL evil."
It's a lesson I oft times repeat to myself OUT LOUD so I don't forget it and have to repeat it!
My simple removal of the lumps had complicated the circumstances and on round five the answer was no longer simple, no longer 'coverable'/'hideable'....the simple fact was I was going to have a part of my body cut off. Bit 'bigger' than a simple 'hook and yank'..
You'd have thought
that would have been 'enough' to tell my coworkers the truth.
Exit Mel for surgery--enter Mel wrapped up in a sling with tubes galore.
And my answer--"Bungee jumping.....don't ask......"
No fooling......
Believe it or not, I'd done such a stand-up job of it, that folks were pretty clear that A) This was NOT about bungee jumping and B) no one was going to dare ASK what it was about.
And, because I was notorious for hearing only parts of what physicians had to tell me and tuning out the rest, when they talked with me about starting the chemotherapy as a follow up to the surgery I near wanted to choke the oncologist.....fact is, I tried to 'fire' him.
I waited on actually doing the chemotherapy because I was looking for a way to keep THAT out of other's information banks....and I waited long enough that the cancer had moved into the liver and bones.
I couldn't figure it out fast enough. People were going to SEE there was a problem.
I mean, what was I going to do--tell them I'd joined a sect of the hari krishna's? That thought did enter my head, btw.
My boss suggested the simple truth many, many times earlier.
I was hellbent on keeping that information out of the worksite, out of the hands of people who I knew would start treating me differently, away from the knowledge of the children and families I worked with who had enough of their own issues to wade through....what right did I have to open up the topic for all the folks whose lives I touched?
And who wanted to be THAT out of control to have people asking and caring and wondering and praying for you?
Not me.
One of the more uncomfortable, humbling moments of my lifetime was gathering the staff together to talk with them about the number of lies I'd told them to cover up the truth that I didn't want them knowing....with my boss (who I admired and respected and considered a good friend) watching and letting me do the right, though painful thing.
The staff had a couple hours to wrap their head around it, to talk through their own fears and anger at being lied to for months. They talked about the degree of intimidation (real or imagined)that they'd 'obeyed'. They shared their own anger, mostly at themselves for having known something was awry and blaming themselves for not creating an open door for me. And they cried with their own sad admission that they'd failed to 'push the envelope'-- failed to demand answers when I'd 'cared enough' to push to get answers about their lives.
And then I got to talk with the kiddos I worked with....whom I'd lied to as well---the ones I'd preached 'honesty' to.....the whole while lying to them all.
I asked forgiveness.
I got it--kids are like that.
One of
the most uncomfortable moments I've gotten to wade through.
Self created, or course..... I had options and failed to execute them. I failed to let people walk through those moments with me.
I cheated them......and I cheated me.
I still wear the humility for those choices.
They walked through the chemotherapy with me....got the heck out of the way when I needed the bathroom much worse than any of them did.
They gave me funny hats to wear and a couple ran from the worksite when I rang perplexed as to what I needed to do because the hair was coming out when I combed my hair....in huge chunks noless.
They even offered to 'spray shellac' it in place until WE figured out a solution.
Not THE most viable solution--but I couldn't come up with ANY solution so it was a blessing even if it sounded way out there.
See.....I forgot the power of the 'we'.
WE can do a LOT.
WE can walk through some mighty tough storms.
It's a lesson I hope I don't ever, ever, EVER forget.
Cuz we really can do, TOGETHER, what I can't do all by my little lonesome.
WE are powerful and the WE is awe-some.
Note to myself: NEVER FORGET THIS!
This is a teacup. (g'head and laugh.....) It's a teacup planter, actually. It's about a foot in diameter.
