Captured Memory

Ohthefairypain.... ;-)

What we feel, what we see and hear, is what we know.

When we simplify our lives and base the truth upon our experiences, we slowly rid ourselves of the lies we've told ourselves.

With this kind of honesty comes an inner peace with ourselves where we can say, "I know myself."



** limping **

Garden view.......

There's something about sitting on that patio swing and just 'being' that's very appealing.
I was sitting there yesterday--void of work for once....thinking....

And himself joined me and offered a penny for my thoughts.

I asked for the cash up front.
He couldn't deliver.

I don't know whether to celebrate that or mumble......

But I did get to sit sideways on the swing...and he counted freckles on my legs.


JUST for the record, he lost count.
Too many, he said.....
Betcha he wouldn't have said that if'n there'da been a pen handy!

Hmmmmmmmmm......

** note to self: Take washable marker to the patio....purple. No wait...... red..... orange.... green! ! ........ Oh heck, take the whole box! :-)

Captured Memory

TFTD

Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count.

Phoebe......the little sneak.....

The 'stick' rambling....

"Do you think you need to see a psychiatrist?"

k....

It was a legitimate question from the gastro-doc--and I didn't find it the least bit offensive, though I'm clear I did get a bit defensive.
He'd obviously read the volumes of medical history. Anyone who plods through all that.....deserves an answer...LOL....if not a medal.


The problem is suddenly waking up six months later to discover you've gone down 4.....k.....5 dress sizes. Now there's something most folks would celebrate. And honestly--was a time I'd set that as a goal.......and weighed in at 86 pounds.

NOT healthy for a gal who's 5'8".
I have no clue what I weigh today.
I haven't stepped 'forwards' on a scale since I was in treatment for the eating disorder.
I do know I've not worn this size since I WAS in treatment.


And I know the girl called me 'a stick' when we were doing retail therapy this week.

I know himself is wayyyyyy neurotic over all this.
I know the sister is concerned.....(but she's gotta stop calling himself--it just adds fuel to his neurosis! Like he's not neurotic enough?!)


Heck, I'm concerned...why do they think I've kept pushing the envelope on this deal?!
*sigh*
But I'm thinkin' it's a good thing that I'm concerned.......cuz if I wasn't--THEN we'd be having a problem on top of the problem.

Doc's gone looking for what might have been missed--he sent me to another doc who ordered the 'up-periscope' test yesterday....in case the CT missed something. BOTH doc's have now put me through a whole buncha tests.....and I gotta say--I'm getting pretty tired of tests.

I'm getting tired, period.....

And I'd like it if people would cease looking at me sideways.....and looking at me like I'm lying to them.



k.....I earned the last part of that one.

I do have a history of lying to people about health stuff......

I hate getting to lay in the bed that I made. *sigh*



This fella I saw last week thinks doc's probably right in what he's been doing to solve the problem. He wanted to rule out what might have been missed.

It's working with an immune deficient person that makes it a tad tricky.......and time consuming.



k......








TIME'S UP.





*sigh*

Rawr.

I had to do the up-periscope testy thingy....



And the girl called me a STICK, forcryingoutloud.....

Captured Memory

The reading fairy's question....

How can I show the love I feel today?

Message in a bottle.....

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh

Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh

More loneliness than any man could bear

Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

A year has passed since I wrote my note

But I should have known this right from the start

Only hope can keep me together

Love can mend your life but

Love can break your heart

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Walked out this morning, dont believe what I saw

Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore

Seems Im not alone at being alone

Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Message in a bottle, yeah

Sending out at an s.o.s.

Sending out at an s.o.s.

Sending out at an s.o.s.

Sending out at an s.o.s.

Sending out at an s.o.s.

Sending out at an s.o.s...

Police

......rawr......

k....NO coffee on a fuzzy Thursday is stupid.

And that stuff in the green bottles did NOT taste like Sprite.

.....just sayin'......

Rawr.
Up-periscope scheduled on a fuzzy Thursday.....stupid.
NO COFFEE on a fuzzy Thursday.....VERY, VERY stupid.

Rawr.

Captured memory

Today's thought

There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self care.

We each have a guide, and that guide is within us.

We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself?

Then, we need to listen to the answer.

Self-care is not that difficult.

The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.

No bunnies were harmed.......

I ought to be crawling back into bed.
I might discover so many stupid mistakes that my fingers have made that I'll get to redo this one after the sun comes up.
Tonight---I don't rightly care. LOL

It only took three turns of sleep before I wandered into the worksite.
Yes, I'm stubborn like that.......I'm also acutely aware that I won't be there on Thursday and I'm likely not to be there on Friday.
Seemed wise not to miss today.

And I'm glad I didn't miss the day completely.
I had a 'prezzie' for me at the desk, eagerly awaiting my arrival.

See, I've kidded with the staff--after a season of FIVE pregnant staff members--that I was putting a line item in the budget for bottled water. It just HAD to be the water!!! FIVE pregnant women all at once--c'mon...what're the odds.....
I certainly couldn't blame the bestest secretary on the planet for putting the idea into people's heads by getting pregnant first!
*shaking head*
Of course we can't blame the bestest secretary on the planet......

The bottle arrived today.
Bunny on top, of course--with the message that the stork had delivered pregnant staff member number two!
NOT that the bunny died--EPT revealed the results......no bunnies were actually harmed in the discovery of the second pregnant staff member!

And do ya know where that bottle came from?!
Uh huh......bestest secretary on the planet was the FIRST to announce her pregnancy this time as well.

Oh, she's a slick one, that one.....

G-d help me if she bought a case of that water........ LOL

The headache woke me up

......there's a first.

I decided to roll over and sleep it off.
Trust me when I say that didn't work.

I'm about to go do that for a second time.

TFTD

Discipline is a decision you make, over and over again.

Discipline is choosing to do what you know must be done, as often and as long as necessary.

Cheesecake therapy

"I'm sooooooo glad you made me practice calling all my girly bits by their proper name until I quit blushing and giggling......"

Yeah, well......I am the mom and I do what I do. She's just had to live with it.
G'head and pity her. LOL Most folks do! ;-)

We're good.....for today.
The trick is not buying into that false sense of security cuz today you get to walk out with all your girly bits.
The trick is not spending your 'todays' waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Cuz the oncologist was clear--next time it's a done deal.......all of the girly bits will go.
And even if that 'next time' doesn't happen, in three to five years those bits are still going.
Her age group makes for 5% of the cases--

She told me part of the driving force in that call was the mom's history......go figure.......bad genetics.
Her oncologist consulted with two other oncologists--one of which, she informed me, was mine.

There'll be no mucking about with repeat solutions of 'lesser evils'. (like her mother did.....)

She's grateful she gets this opportunity to decide--do it now or wait to see and do it later.
Either way, it's going to happen.
By the time she's 30/32......if not sooner.

We talked the pros and cons of 'now or later'.
We talked hormone therapy......ugggghhhh......
And we talked babies......cuz she tells me she'd like one of her own.
I suggested she might not wanna rush out and get pregnant for the sake of getting pregnant cuz this 'might be her shot at having a baby'.
The oncologist said not to even go there for a good six months.
She was more than upset with herself --"I was selfish and wanted to enjoy all these experiences...."

Whoa, whoa.....27 years old and LIVING life is suddenly 'selfish' cuz you developed cancer?

"Well, most of my friends have babies already......"

*sigh*

Gratefully, she's her own person and hasn't felt compelled to 'be like her friends'.

She took her little fella with her to the consultation.
She was pretty convinced he wasn't gonna be comfy talking girly bits with the physician, let alone talking girly bits in front of Mel.

She assured me he blushed A LOT.......and giggled....even though she tried to make him practice the correct terms for girly bits the night before.
Oy......she is soooooooooooooooo her mother's child......


So.

Cheesecake happened.
Retail therapy happened.

And for today--the oncologist is satisfied that they've gotten it.
I'm satisfied that the oncologist 'gets it'.
I'm satisfied they'll keep on top of it and not let her wander from the required path.
She'll go Wednesday and let them know her decision.




BTW--The girl did NOT look at the 'baby name' books at Barnes and Bankruptsy....but she did look at the books about cancer and nutrition.


Did I say thank you?
*looking up*

THANK you...







And.....thanks......to all of you....

Things that make me happy

....two forks, the girl and a piece of cheesecake.

....knowing people who really mean it when they say 'you're in my prayers'.

....sneaking up that first Halloween decoration and waiting for himself to notice it.

....2a.m. texts that read 'thinking of you'. (REALLY!!)

....grateful mom's who write letters to teenage girls, thanking them for helping their daughter find a different life.

....new mechanical pencils in nifty cool colours.

....Snoopy erasers!!!! :-)

Captured Memory

Reminder from the reading fairy.......

Every difficult decision serves as an occasion to firmly reinforce, with your actions, your most deeply held values.

Captured Memory

TFTD

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that some particular task is somehow beneath you.

Instead, seek to raise up the significance of that task by giving your very best to it.

QOTW 8/24

What song have you been listening to over and over again this week?

Cranked up in the car on the way to work....on the laptop when I click that little button.....in the CD player in the bedroom--just hit the remote.......

With passion....multiple times...

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you’ll be alright
You’ll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad
You get strong
Wipe your hands
Shake it off
Then you stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad
You get strong
Wipe your hands
Shake it off
Then you stand,
Yeah then you stand.

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad
You get strong
Wipe your hands
Shake it off
Then you stand,
Then you stand

Rascal Flatts

#2003

Today I'm going to 'celebrate' the 2,000 posts I've stuck up on this weblog.

This post will mark #2,003.
That fact alone ought to frighten me. LOL Oddly enough, it does not.
The number of posts here is really irrelevant.
What gets accomplished here--is.
I get to pull stuff out of my head and put some order to it here.
Every once in a while someone points out the lack OF order to it.....LOL....and it amuses me enough to move me to where I need to be.

Yesterday--amidst the noise and hubbub in my head--I did some wandering through the archives, read back to places I've been just this year.
I'd have reported this year as 'just another year in the life of Mel'.
I'da said the same for the year before--and the year before that...and the year before THAT....

I'm not good at benchmarking time, obviously.
I'm fairly disciplined in staying in the day.
But yesterday I wandered through it here.
Which led me to wandering in other places.....

Which reminded me of how graced I am.

Trust me when I say I needed the reminder.

#2,003--another one of 'those' posts where Mel doesn't say anything earth shattering or enlightening, where she simply reminds herself "Oh.......the places you've BEEN!".
Where Mel whaps herself in the forehead and reminds herself "HERE is a pretty dang good place TO be......."

I'll celebrate 2,003 posts. But not for reasons one might think.
It's no great 'accomplishment'. Leastwise it isn't for me.
I've got tablets up the whazoo with writing after writing after writing.
Pen to paper/put it in black and white is just what I've become disciplined to DO.

And for a number of years -- for 2,003 posts -- I've had this little venue to put down, in black and white, the strange and sometimes entertaining stuff that runs around in Mel's busy little, squirreled up, whacked out 'alien' head.

And for 2,003 posts, people have put up with it. LOL

What WERE you thinking?!?!





That I've managed to get your attention 2,003 times with THAT material......LOL...now THAT is worthy of celebrating.

*snickering and laughing*

Captured Memory

One more time on that attitude.....

Your attitude serves as a lens through which you see life.

Your attitude enables you to make the most of difficult situations, to find and to create enormous value in your world.

There is absolutely nothing that forces you to adopt one particular attitude over another.

Your attitude is your choice.
Your attitude is always yours to select.

Don't let anyone or anything else choose for you.

No Title

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No text.
(well, some cuz there it is...)

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Just lotsa and bunches and oodles and bucket loads of love.

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(((((((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))))))))

Her mother's child....

He knew enough to wake me when she rang me back.

She'd called at noon while I was still at work and I'd left her two messages in turn.

It was 11:20 when he woke me and handed me the phone.
He just told me "She sounds funny..."

She'd opted to go home after her phone call from the doctor and go to sleep--but only after she'd pulled up website upon website on the internet.
She was drawing from the few words she'd written down when she'd talked with the doctor.
Sleep was her best method of dealing with the information.
Sleep..... and a bowl of ice cream.....

I didn't know she'd had an abnormal pap smear.
I didn't know she'd had a second abnormal one and a subsequent tissue sample.... and blood work and CT...or was it an MRI?
Her brain was a little muddled.

She just wanted to have as much information as she could before she talked to me.
She told me she needed to have a handle on what it all could mean before she talked it to other people.

She is her mother's child.


I know I was supportive and rational when she talked to me.
It's a learned response, a conditioning to be calm in the face of a storm.

She has stage I Endometrial Cancer.

She's 27 years old.

She tells me she wants babies.




"Stage I Endometrial cancer is successfully treated more than 90 percent of the time."

That's what I want.





She's 27 years old.
She's her mother's child.......

Today's fairy thought

Life can be quite complex, but it doesn't have to be complicated.

Practice the simple things:

Smile at others.

Speak kindly.
Laugh.

Love freely.

Captured Memory

Happy Fairy Dust ;-)

Be joyful, just because you can.

Gee......you'd think I miss her or somethin'...

Ummmmmm.....probably cuz I do?

*sigh*

Allie, Allie oxen free!!?!!?!

:-/

*tap tap tap*

'Cuse me.....

Seventy days, yaknow....

Of COURSE ya knew!
I was just........reminding ya....cuz I knew you'd want me to!

:-)

Captured Memory

TFTD

When you feel misery, force gratitude.

When you feel deprived, know that there is enough.

When you feel ashamed, reassure yourself that who you are is okay....that you are good enough.

When you doubt your timing or your present position in life, assure yourself that all is well; you are right where you're meant to be.

When you ponder the future, tell yourself that it will be good.

When you look back at the past, relinquish regrets.

When you notice problems, affirm there will be a timely solution and a gift from the problem.

When you resist feelings or thoughts, practice acceptance.

When you feel discomfort, know it will pass.

When you identify a want or a need, tell yourself it will be met.

When you think about others, think love.

When you think about yourself, think the same.

Things that make me happy....

....unplanned, random afternoons OFF from work.

....surprise treks to the lake.

....tassles on the corn.

....cool nights with a full, bright moon.

....discovering that first Halloween 'stuff' in the 'seasonal' aisle! WOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

....finding bitty gravestones that light up for the Halloween village! WAY cool!!

....finding stripey wormy catepillary guys on leafs.

....and of course, postcards from France!!!

:-)

Captured Memory

Reminder from the reading fairy

The choice to be happy with what is, is ours to make, every moment....every day....

.....ha ha, verrrrrrry funny........

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

--G.K. Chesterton

I'm pleased to report.....

.....that I'm not being sentenced to some training in Alabama.

Oh, contraire'!

Florida.
FLORIDA!

*sigh*
And it's not a 'sentence'.

When your boss looks at you and confesses it's his negligence to have not sent you off for the CEU's that are required for your 'position'.....you nod and try to be agreeable.

FLORIDA?!








k.....think BEACH!!
k......how about if I just DON'T think at this moment.....bad things could happen if I did.....

Captured Memory

Today's reminder

What I do today is important.
I am exchanging a day of my life for it.



*chuckling* This sounds VAGUELY familiar...

Gee.......you'd think someone was wanting my attention or somethin'..

Captured Memory

Today's bit of fairy dust

Exposing who we really are invites judgment, sometimes rejection, often times discounting.
It's a terribly hard risk to take, and the rewards are seldom immediate.
Letting others see who we really are alleviates confusion, theirs and ours.
We no longer need to decide who we should be; we simply are who we are.

There is only one appropriate choice to every situation--the one that is honest and wholly reflective of who we are at that moment.

***** Yep, the book is IN the hallway......*muttering*

Patio buddies....

QOTW 8/17/08

Where have you gone and what have you done today?

Wake up was early--it always is.

This morning was just like any other morning--coffee brewed, books set out....I spent the early hours of the morning reading my readings and meditating--and thinking a bit on top of it. I caught the daybreak from the patio and heard clearly 'today matters--what you do today, matters.....'.

I filled up the travel cup--the end of my second pot--and I gathered my books for the journey. I don't travel without them and haven't for a good number of years.
I know the price of a missed opportunity.......

The pigeon and I have a standing engagement for Sunday mornings. The drive over is in silence and I'm conscious of a connectedness, a spiritual movement in me--a centering of what's good and true. It happens for me in a car....it doesn't seem to matter where I'm headed.

The result is the same....

And for the next two hours I'm hearing about her week and the week of one of her pigeons that opted to join us this morning. I hear the good, the bad, the ugly and a gentle whispering of 'today matters--what you do today, matters'... In turn I share bits of my week and my life as I visit the simple truths--the principles I've come to rely on to do what it is that I'm purposed to do.

None of has drank.....but none of us need to pick up a drink to create wreckage in our lives and in the lives of others. All we need is our own 'self important' permission.

I did make the meeting following 'meeting', crossing paths with another pigeon and touching bases.....

In the meeting I listened to what was shared, tolerated the loud, boisterous newcomer who mimicked the words and spoke of breaking every one of them in action..... and again I heard that whispered message...

As I was packing it up to head back home I paused long enough to talk to that newcomer who stood by himself.
He was cocky and arrogant and was still making a whole lot of 'noise'......

And I knew I was right where I was suppose to be.

We talked for a chunk of time--longer than he probably wanted to, but long enough for one of the 'good ol' boys' to surface. And he got a phone number. More importantly, I got his....

I left with the clarity of the purpose I'd only heard whispered this morning.

I picked up flowers for himself and drove home.
Laundry laid in wait.
The yard needed trimmed.
And there was a dozen or so emails that had sat and needed answered.

Tonight--we'll have a guest for dinner.
And we'll play with trains a bit...and I'll make a phone call.

Cuz I'm suppose to.......

He just doesn't know I'm suppose to.......yet......

Today matters......what you do with today, matters.....

Captured Memory

Honest......

I thought I'd get some photos of the flowers at the lake.




Dang bugs got in the way every time. ;-)