Fairy Dust

There’s always a defect, always a slow drip, somewhere. Every plan, every organization, every venture has a glitch.

The question isn’t, “is this perfect?” The question is, “will this get me there?”

Sometimes we make the mistake of ignoring the big leaks, the ones that threaten our journey.

More often, though, we’re so busy fixing tiny leaks that we get distracted from the real goal, which is to go somewhere.

-Seth Godin

Little House in the Woods

Weekend joy

Slow down--stop stressing the doc said.  And THEN he said to do things that bring you joy.
Kinda conflicts with the 'slow down' deal, but I choose to think that slow down was a different kind of a slow down.  Like  'stop trying to rush what won't be rushed'.....

I'm obviously disabled--handicapped even....but I'm not dead yet!

• cleared off two of four flower beds and turned under the soil
• put up wee fences around one flower bed
• trimmed back dead branches from the bushes 
• changed out patio lights ( took a break after 10 of the 20 bulbs were done!  LOL )
• put the ceramic (stolen from the sister!  LOL) mushrooms in the flower garden
• hung the wreath
• washed off chairs/tables on the patio
• moved potted plants to their designated positions (very......creatively on crutches, I might add)
• hung the windy turny thingies and the hanging basket (getting ready for flowers, dontchaknow)
• watered sleepy potted plants
• drug out a few things for the front of the house
• filled four birdie feeders
• started on a third flowerbed....and opted to quit cuz my arms hurt and I was a bit weary from getting up, moving the wee step stool a few feet, getting down...and repeating--over and over and over again...

ALL the toys for the patio are in the basement.........'cept for the new, nifty 48 DIFFERENT coloured sidewalk chalks that are happily waiting in the garage.  NO bubble guns, no bubbles, no paints or buckets of chalk, no bug catcher pots....yet...  I shall take a bag with me and retrieve them from the dark depths very soon!

Oh!  And we made sun tea!!!

I say 'we' cuz it took two.

I can't quite give myself permission to haul a glass jar out of the house, down the stairs and through the garage so it can sit in the sun and brew.  I picture.....disaster..LOL

I CAN, however, carry a (plastic) glass with suntea (3/4's full), with fresh lemon, out to the patio with minimal spillage!  Am I good or what?!

Oh, and the maple in the back has wee leaves!!!

The little booger was way braver than I gave it credit--it was doing it's thing while the snow was flying just last Tuesday.

Which makes me wanna take a drive to the gardens in town and see what's showing off colour.

I'm thinkin' I can wander about with the camera for a while. They have benches for sitting purposes--and I can zip the camera into place so it's not making me off balance (as it seems to do....).  NOT that I'm not a tad off balance without the camera......literally.  k.....and figuratively...  LOL

TFTD

You can think. 

You can feel. 

You can solve your problems. 

You can take care of yourself.

48coloursallMINE!!!! :-D

Mine.
MINE MINE MINE all MINE!!!!!  *insert evil laugh*

M.I.N.E.

...k......might share....

PROBABLY will share.

*laughing*  How I'll get UP from getting down to colour is the question......
Oh.....who cares....LOLOL

MINE MINE MINE all MINE!!!!!!

TFTD

Being loved, and knowing that we are loved, assures us of our connection to the world outside of ourselves. It affirms us as participants in the bigger picture. And all of us need to know that we count - that what we say and do matters to others--that we are contributing in an important way.

The wonders of love are many. Love is a healing balm for wounds. And it nurtures, both the one loving and the one loved. Love is an energizer. It spurs us on to successes in work and in play. Love multiplies. If we aren't feeling loved, we can love someone else - and love will visit us, too.

We can help others in our lives find the successes they deserve. The confidence to tackle new situations is packaged in the gift of love. We need to help one another count.

A bit of blue, a bit of white...

Fairy Reminder

Do we believe in others and ourselves? Do we give power to people - including ourselves - and their abilities? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?

We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think, and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."

Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.

Well, THAT felt right.....repeat!!!!

Yup....

Crawled in the car.
Opened up the windows.
Started the engine.
Put on the seat belt.
Opened the garage door
Put it in reverse.
Pulled out......stopped.

CRANKED UP THE TUNES...and started bee-bopping to the music!!!

Woooohoooooooo!!!!

Think I'll do that again.

It made he-who-was-waving-me-into-the-day shake his head.
Oh, but he smiled and laughed!!

DEFINITELY worth doing twice!!!

.......*laughing* ANY excuse works!!

Swollen Trickle

Fairy Wisdom

Our lives are like a story told one day at a time. Some of our story has been revealed; much remains. Yet life is not like a book in which you can skip ahead; life unfolds one day at a time.

Though it may be hard right now, let's not wish any of it away but live each day fully. We are the only ones who can write our story.

Track Treasures

Things that make me happy....

....dragging out my patio table.  Literally.  LOL

....reviving plants from 'stuck in the garage for the winter' pots.  THEY LIVE!!  Woohoo!

....big, FAT buds on the tree outside my study window.

....Green Tractors.  :-)

....looking for the GOOD.

.....funky sneakers with cool shoe laces.

....daisies.  

TFTD

Having hope, we come to understand, is a decision. 

Other men and women have made this decision. 

We can too. 

In time we will also understand that hope makes it possible for us to expect more positive outcomes to our problems. 

It's so often true that what we expect is just what we get. Looking on the bright side of life can't make our struggles worse!

Repeat

Right!!! Forward!!!!

*laughing* I love when professionals have 'oops' moments.

And I adore when interns who're trying to be the 'authorities', learn that they're not. They turn such a lovely shade of red, lift their hand in surrender and confess "I was wrong!"
And I'm not above looking around the professor/doc, pointing at the little intern and saying "Ha....error on your part--learn well, grasshopper".

Yes, odds are it's shifting of the bone.
Yes, there's still healing happening--it's simply not of the 'significant' type--bits here and there, enough to make the shifting not painful, enough to strengthen it,  and enough to give him some sense of progress, even if it's not the amount of progress he'd like.
He had a good point.  30 years ago it took me 9 weeks in traction.  The norm, even wayyyyyyyyy back then, was 5 weeks.  What makes me think that process in a body 30 years older, has accelerated?  I'm a slow heal.  That's just how it is.  Will it heal enough?  Dunno--but we went into this hoping to GET enough healing without surgeries.  We'll wait it out a bit longer.
He assured me if things were deteriorating, he'd be pulling the plug on the process and we'd be done and on to the next thing.  Oddly enough, I do believe that of him.

I also agree.  I agree that physical therapy isn't bringing me benefits, physically or psychologically.  Better I should get outside, walk around the house, do some leg lifts in the house, stand on tippy toes--keep working up the amount of weight on the left leg and just do it at my own home, in my own way.  I don't need the added stresses of an hour twice a week to listen for popping/snapping while a PTherapist tries to find SOMEthing that'll work with me.  Look at the foot--there's an example of what I DON'T need.
Oh, and did I know that stress impacts the healing rate?

"Slow down" he says......"Stop stressing...do things that bring you joy and that FEEL okay to do."

And then he says "Stand up--I want you to stand up, hold onto my hands and lift that right leg."
My response?  "Are you nutz?!"
"Nope--stand up--hold on to my hands and stand solo on that left leg.  I want you to see that it's strengthened."
I did stand up.  I did hold his hands.  And I did look at him and say--"I believe you....but it ain't happening, doc.  I have a FEW painful blisters on my foot."

"Shit.  Forgot that........okay, sit down......You HAVE to slow down and stop stressing.  You ARE progressing."

Right. I'm gonna work on that!
In the meantime, he asked if returning to work was compounding the stress--ABSOLUTELY NOT.  (bit concerned he was going to nix work right along with nixing the physical therapy jazz....he did not, didn't increase it, but didn't take it away!)
He did tell me that when I come next month, if neither of us is satisfied, we'll talk the 'what next'--he wants another month.

Now--I've done the 'give me one more month' with him before--and initially I balked.  Couldn't SEE what a month was going to do for the situation.  However--I gave him the 'one more month'.  He was RIGHT about that 'one more month'.
I'll go back at the start of June.
I'll hope he's right about this 'one more month'.
I'm not sure what he's hoping will be accomplished, given the bone isn't showing 'significant' amounts of 'bridging', but he's the professor/doc. I do have a messy to read xray.... And I'm going to just shush up and 'learn' with the other 'grasshopper'.  And I'm gonna REALLY try to STOP going to places that just stress me out more.  Physically, and emotionally.

I'm gonna chill out, take the lovely pills for the blistery things--and decide if taking a walk with weight on that leg is a viable thing.
And I'm gonna focus on just doing the things I LIKE to do and feel okay about doing.....and just DO 'em.

Which means I oughta tell the boss my plan to ask the doc midpoint about increasing my time at work. LOL I LIKE to work!!
Yeah.
It's just a thought....*snickering*

Today's Fairy Thought

There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned.

--Harrison E. Salisbury

There are no perfect days. We have struggled hard against this truth. In our demanding ways, we haven't wanted life to be a process; we have wanted to reach a secure point of arrival. We have struggled against the dialogue and learning process of experience. We've looked for a "fix" and for perfection. Even now in recovery we long to "get it right." We continue to learn and to grow, but the lessons we learn are not the things we expected. We grieve the lateness of our learning, and then we go on to learn more.

As we grow, we learn how to learn. We become more accepting of life as a process with no shortcut to the truth. We learn to engage in the process and accept that there usually is no right or wrong answer at the end of our search.

Today, may I accept the truth, which comes from the lessons of my experience -- and be tolerant of its incompleteness.

Off I go!!

Right.....up....coffee had......meds taken....gotta get organized to see the ortho doc today.

I had this moment yesterday when I stared at the doc and asked if I needed to cancel the appointment.  I'm a tad 'viral'.  LOL
She assured me the hospital can handle the 'viral'--and it'd be good for the ortho doc to decide if it's the right course of treatment given the circumstances.  Like there's another solution?  LOL  Grin and bear it....let it run it's course...and take the meds.  Maybe there's another route to go--I'm open.
But yes--keep the appointment.

I DID get a 'you poor thing' from the doc.
And then I got "G-d must really want you to stay off that leg."

I doubt she knew the impact of what she said.
I don't doubt she's right.
For whatever reason.

Yesterday came with nausea and headache and me getting back into bed.  Coulda been the lack of sleep from the pain the night before--could be just a part of the package with the diagnosis.  Doesn't matter--it kept me down for the day.  And it gave me a chunk of time to shush and look.
Every time I get a bit of progress--something gets tossed into the mix.
Apparently the Big Guy wants me to only go so far with the leg at this point.
I'm sure there's a reason.

So--I'll gather the STUFF to go to the doc--show up with my questions...and find out zackly what's what.
And I'll try not to whine.  LOL
No guarantees about that one--but I'll be gracious and kind WHILE I whine.

Fairy Reading

Change is a part of the flow of life. 

Sometimes we're frustrated because change seems slow in coming. 

Sometimes, too, we're resistant to a change that seems to have been thrust upon us. 

We must remember that change, in and of itself, neither binds us nor frees us. 

Only our attitude toward change binds or frees. 

As we learn to flow with the stream of life, we become willing.

Farming in the Round

Holy moly.....

"You're kidding...."

That seems to be the favored response here as I make calls to let folks know there's an issue with me showing up to work this morning....
And lemme tell ya--I am NOT removing my brace...ever...or at least until the shingles go away.
Brilliant me--decided that I needed to take the brace off and get some feeling back into that left side since it was so cold from the lack of circulation.  It DID warm up.  And then the pain set in.  And I'm talking pain.  The kind that gets me silent and sets the other leg to bouncing up and down so I don't say horrible things.  Someone was dunking my foot into battery acid.  Holy moly that wasn't a pleasant experience.  If I wanted to know what those clustered, angry blistered things were--ALL doubt was removed last night when the pain found me.
Shingles.

Up most of the night, even after returning the brace, even after a scripted pain medication cuz it wasn't calming down......I wanna believe having the brace on will control some of that pain.  I'm not sure that's true. I just wanna believe it.  *sigh*  It's on.  I'm making calls...and I'm getting on with the business at hand.
I suppose at some point I'll need to ring the OTHER doc and see if he'll still want to see me with this going on.
Surely he'll still want to see me.......
*sigh*

Getting a shoe on to get to the local physician oughta be fun.
Gosh.....  WHAT an adventure.
Ya think this might be an indicator of the amount of internal stress I'm walking around with?

Stress? Me?  Stress?!
WHAT stress?!
Oy.....

I'm tired.
And I'm snarky.  (I think I like that word.)
And I'm gonna get a handle on all this, really I am.
I can't afford to keep operating like ...... THIS.
Even the fairies know this and keep trying to tell me.
I canNOT keep operating like this.

*laughing*  I keep saying that. And then SOMEthing happens and back I go to operating like THIS.
I need the SOMEthing to stop happening.
Boy.....that'd be NICE!
*sigh*

Daily Reading

Pretending we are not anxious, when we are, is a tactic that fools no one, especially not ourselves. Attempting to deny or repress our fears and worries does not work. The result is often depression or a physical ailment, indicating that in our subconscious, we know very well that something is wrong.

So let's ask ourselves what it is we fear. If our worry is a rational one, we need to decide what we can do to prepare for the worst-case scenario. If the worry is irrational, we need to figure out how to get rid of it. But, no matter whether a worry is rational or irrational, we can't turn it over until we acknowledge we have it. Getting our worries out in the open and talking about them with people whose judgment we trust keeps us grounded in reality.

If I am worried about something today, I will consciously examine it so that I can resolve it.

omgomgomg....

Okay.  Let's just get it ALL over with.....NOW.  I mean, why faff about with a bit here, a bit there.  Let's just take care of all of it at once!!

I know folks are going to suggest continue talking NICE to the left side of me...but to heck with THAT....we're NOT TALKING.  Oh...I'll talk.  IT needs to listen.
 And respond to directions.  One way conversation.

ENOUGH.
DONE.
BE DONE AND HEAL.

Seems I now have a lovely collection of blistered #!$$+"!! shingles on my left foot.   Oh...and not just on the foot-- Let's be precise--on the toes.  Ugly, red, mad clustered blisters that make me wanna tear my toes off and swap 'em out for webbed duckie feet, #!"+&$!#!! HOOVES....anything but the swollen blistered mess that greeted me when I pulled off my sneaker.

ENOUGH.

Right.....couldn't be on the semi healthy side....just HAD to be on the side where it's a a tad on the non-cooperative spectrum.  A TAD?!?

Shingles?!?
Really?
REALLY!?!!

...k...

ENOUGH.

I WILL ring the doc in the morning.
I WILL refrain from using colourful language.
I WILL get an appointment.
I WILL put anti-itch cream on it for now.
And I WILL get some cooperation from the LEFT side....  ENOUGH!!  Gig's up.

STOP Ahead

Sleeping with Moldy Bread....

I think it's fair to say this has NOT been one of my most shining weeks.  I've let the frustrations and limitations get in the way--and I've been 'snarky'.  Obviously.

Suddenly 'desolation' fits.  It's the four months worth of having to depend on others, having to rearrange my responsibilities in life and the process of trying to claim some of that BACK that's getting all the air time.  It's the news that I've watched on the television. It's the clash of what I want to believe, what I DO believe... and what I see.
It's the personal,  unanswered questions-- the interferences in the process of physically moving forward and my PRIDE that's doing the headbutting with others.  I've ceased saying 'thank you' and started to say 'really.....I need to be able to do that' (and that's at times when I think I'm saying it NICELY....). Toss in a bit of fear--over what I cannot control, over being solo in two weeks--......yes.... I have a self created MESS.

NOT my most loving week.
And I won't 'let' myself just 'be where you are'.....mostly cuz it's NOT a pretty place.
It ain't pretty--at all.

EPIC fail in 'acting as if'--I'm all over the map.  PRETTY sure that's my clue--I've not been using what's dropped in front of me to GET centered..too busy being....snarky.  *sigh*

Here's a REALLY good indicator--I got flowers yesterday.  FLOWERS.  As in some pretty cut flowers just for me.  I adore he-who-brought-them-to-me-with-a-smile.  I know he's trying to make my life a bit happier and easier.  The intention was pure on his part.  And I appropriately accepted them and gushed over them cuz they ARE pretty.......the whole time KNOWING I've been a schmuck.

A snarky schmuck.

Things will get different.
And THINGS don't get to decide for me....even though I've been LETTING THEM.
Yes, I know--how horribly human of me.....*sigh*
Here's a well known fact--I DON'T LIKE BEING HUMAN.

So...  Problem/Solution.
I move ME.
Get off the dime, out of the desert and get on with the business of BEING all that I AM.

I have time today--I'll pull out the things that get me centered in the passion, in the dream to bring TO the lives of others.  Cuz certainly, that's been down on the list of priorities this week, snarky schmuck that I've been.....
And I'll let myself LET GO.  As many times as I need to.

Things and circumstances don't get to decide for me.

I'd pick up the fairy reading book in the hallway--but I've done that ....and tossed it again.
That is NOT a good indicator........

Reading for The Day

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all.

--Emily Dickinson

We often hum and sing to ourselves because it makes us feel content. It is the melody itself that makes us feel good--words and thoughts do not matter.

Having hope for ourselves and for our universe is like having a melody always moving inside us. The melody may be calm or exciting, but most of all it brings with it beauty and a sense of peace. Hope can overcome the need for words and thoughts and promises. Hope is the melody that keeps us going, the hum that continues even when there are no words to the song. Hope is not a melody we think about--it must come when we believe in the goodness of our world. If we have faith in a power greater than ourselves, we will be able to find the melody of hope inside us at all times.

Snarky

snark·y  [snahr-kee]  

adjective, snark·i·er, snark·i·est. Chiefly British Slang.

testy or irritable; short.

Origin: 1910–15;  dial. snark  to nag, find fault with (apparently identical with snark, snork  to snort, snore, probably < Dutch, Low German snorken  to snore) 

Huh.  It's not that I've not heard the word before.  It's just that it's not been used to describe ME.Now, I'da said 'frustrated' and 'tired'.

Snarky is a good word.  And it's probably 'spot on' for yesterday.  I wasn't particularly 'loving' or 'gracious' on a number of occasions.

I'm snarky. :-/

I shall attempt to be the recipient of a different adjective today.
Ummm..yeah....that means I'll need to clean up my act--or snarky will get airtime two days running.

And YES...this could be a challenge given the reading book is wayyyyyyyyyyy over in the hallway and I tossed it there.
Not the BEST sign--but it's early!

Three In The Sun

Fairy Material

I can change only myself, but sometimes that is enough.

--Ruth Humlecker

Happiness is more fleeting for some of us than for others. We may ponder this notion but fail to grasp the reason. However, careful attention to how "the happy ones" go through life will enlighten us. We will note how seldom they complain about others' actions. We will discover their willingness to accept others as they are. We will see that their attention is generally on the positive aspects of people and circumstances rather than on the negative.

We can join the parade of "happy ones" by letting go of our need to change people and situations that disturb us. Even when we are certain other people are wrong, we can let go of controlling them. Doing this means changing ourselves, of course. But this is the one thing in life we do have control over.

Dust

Courage: The power to let go of the familiar.

--Raymond Lindquist

Rolling in Hope

Realignment

Darn fairies.....don't they know it's hard to love Hitler.
Readings come at the darnedest times..... *sigh*

It's hard to love Hitler.
WPIML used to pull that one out and toss it at me when I was struggling with STUFF that made me cringe and want to toss in the towel with certain makes and models of human beings.
It's HARD to love Hitler.

A simple "G-d loves Hitler" was enough to turn me on my heels most moments.

"Well, G-d's got some serious issues!" was my rebuttal.  "And I ain't G-d!"  (no.....I'm not....so quit acting like it?)

Cue Mel:  Check yourself,  oh-ye-on-the-pedestal-of-judgement.

I don't have to like someone to love 'em anyway.
I don't have to like their actions or attitudes.
Sick people need to be treated as sick people.

It's HARD to love Hitler.

I don't understand evil.  I understand selfish, self centered, egocentric, MEMEME thinking--which puts me pretty darn close to understanding evil.  I understand rolling over people to get what I want, ignoring their needs, their feelings, their human 'rights' to be treated with dignity and respect....maybe I do understand evil...
As twisted as my thinking can get/did get--I never allow me to act on some things that I think--even in my 'finest moments', I could think horrid things--but I couldn't reconcile myself to cross a line.  I crossed plenty of lines as is--but there were lines I didn't cross.

Thank G-d for that.
Seriously......thank G-d for that.

In all honesty--it wasn't a moral deterrent that stopped me from crossing other lines.  I wasn't the shining example of morality--I'm still not...
*sigh*

I'll check myself.
Sitting in judgement of sick people--not my deal...not where my passion lies.  NOT a statement of who I AM...what I claim as 'mine' today.

It doesn't mean I'm not angry.
I'm clearly angry....and sad...overwhelmingly sad.

But I can still be who I AM......and be angry.
And be loving.
And call for the goodness in me, and in those around me, to shine....

And yet another reading....

It's easy to love people who are like us, who may have been raised the same way, educated the same way, share the same values, or have had many of the same experiences. It's not as easy to love people who seem different. But if we are to fulfill God's plan for us, we should try.

It's not easy, either, to love the way we feel sometimes, or the unpleasant things that happen to us. But, like the people who are "different" from us, even our negative feelings need to be loved. Our fears, frustrations, pain, boredom, despair - these are part of us and they oftentimes have a greater purpose.

We may not think it's possible to love how we feel, but we can make the decision to love everything about ourselves - and then we can see what happens.

AUGGHHH!!

Okay.  I'm dumber for having that experience.
Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?!  The Physical Therapist talked with some nurse who is unknown to me?  And she couldn't answer questions about the "pop" or "snap"?!

I told him maybe the best course of action here is NO ACTION until I see the doc next Tuesday. I'll talk with the doc directly and get answers....and the x-ray will tell us what healing is or isn't happening....and then we can both be confident in moving forward.
He wanted to forge ahead and give me a few things to try at home.  Fine.  I can do that.  But really...why settle for benign answers?  I did tell him that it really was okay to be hesitant.  And I'll let the doc know that just wasted his time, their time....and mine.

While I can do some things at home and I can turn up there to do some things, I did not leave there feeling hopeful and encouraged.
I'm starting my list for Tuesday and I am going in there with hope, since there's rarely pain involved in this stupid "pop" and "snap", that it's just some highly annoying crap that comes with...*gasp* old age.

I'll TRY to be gracious if that's the answer.
After all...I do kinda like the little fella....

But let's be real here....I will NOT be gracious.  LOL

Furry Toes

*muttering*

I had it all figured out!
I could go early, ensure a closer parking spot.
I asked about the elevator and was assured it was working and given the location.
I signed up....told the boss it would be an adventure.  (I NEED to know I can get places!)  Ordered a lunch special for ME even.  Otherwise I smile and watch the rest of 'em and people get snarky.
I even promised to be out of the training ON TIME so I could make the first (of the 'return') appointment with the head physical therapist!
I could DO it!!

And THEN.....it forecasted rain.  Oh, and not just SOME rain.....1-3" of rain.  With snow mixed in.

I tried to reason it all out.
I can be 'okay' driving in the mix with a broken/still healing leg!
I can be 'okay' with slippery moments on a shiny floor with wet crutches.
*sigh*

I don't think The Big Guy wants me to go.

WHY CAN'T I GO?!?

Yes.  It's raining...and thundering.....and messy at the moment.

*sigh*
Yes, I sent a message to the boss--  "I GIVE.  I won't be making the training."

Fine.
FINE!!!

G'head......part the stormy skies, make the sun shine and LAUGH.
You better having something wonderfully AWESOME planned for my day.
AND it better include a nice salad.  :-/
JUST sayin'......

Fairy Reminder

Grief. It may strike suddenly, catching our heart by surprise. Or it may pound relentlessly and persistently for years, like ocean waves beating on the shore.

Whether we're conscious of what or whom we're missing, our heart knows. We may never be happy about whom or what we have lost, but it is possible to be happy again.

Grief isn't an abnormal condition. It's nature's way of healing our heart.

Millin' Around..

TFTD

The letter, the smile, or phone call we offer a fellow traveler today will bless our own faltering steps throughout the long hours ahead. Each time we focus our attention on the struggle or joy of someone else, our personal well being is enhanced. 

If we give away our love, we'll doubt less that we, too, are loved.

*sigh*

I'm sad.
I'm angry.

I cannot seem to shake this loss of faith in humanity.

I need to somehow.

The Long Awaited Melt

Daily Thought

Most disappointments come from a sense of failure when our expectations of ourselves or others are not met. If we can work through our initial response or source of frustration that lies within ourselves, we are taking the right steps toward turning our hurts and fears into growth-filled experiences.

Do we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves or approval of us? Have we sold ourselves short by placing our entire self-worth on our jobs, paychecks, or possessions? Have we accepted negative feelings about ourselves, or do we see ourselves as capable human beings?

TODAY I will probe the sources of my self-esteem. I will seek my happiness within myself, not in other people, places, or things.

T-minus three weeks....

EEeeekkk....

We're on the downhill slide here...

I think I have it figured out.
I have a nice neighbor that'll keep the lawn up while he's gone.
I have the girl who's going to check in midway to make sure anything I might need can be picked up/brought in so I don't have to worry about crutching a bazillion miles to get it.....  It's a longggg walk through a grocery store--and no real means to carry it unless I attach some silly bag to me and hope it doesn't toss me off balance.
I'll make sure I'm stocked up (coffee, toilet papers.....LOL....MUST know both are in supply!!!  Notsomuch other things...LOL) and gassed up before he leaves town.  Geeze...I've driven to work for almost 4 weeks and used a quarter of a tank of gas--thinking that's a non-issue.  LOL

I can get to work and to the therapy appointments.
I can schedule the bigger appointments for after the return.
And I can always ask someone around me to help me with the 'stuff' that life will toss at me.

I'm not panicking.  Yet.  LOL

And if I DO start to get twitchy......I'll smile and nod and LIE.  LOLOL

:-)

Come BACK Little Hummers.....

Reading Reminder

The best way forward is not to hold out for the absolute perfect choice, free of any downsides. The best way forward is to go ahead, make a choice, and deal with whatever problems come along.

A perfect decision is a decision that never gets made. Instead of seeking to make the perfect choice, make a choice based on your best information and instincts, and get on with it.

In progress

Collaborative effort--a work in progress.

*laughing*

Could be interesting.

DEFINITELY gonna hang in a prime location -- it's smile material all ready.

:-)

'Rusty Companion

OH!!!!! :-)

We're going house hunting.

Well...WE'RE not--they are.
Which means I'm BUG sitting.
Oh dear......whatever shall I do to entertain the little bundle of warp speed with her hair on fire?!  LOL

Too cold for outside....and with the snow (YES SNOW) we're a bit housebound......
While they're house BOUND.
:-)

Right.  I'll toss some of those little smokie deals into the crock pot and pour in some BBQ stuff....pull out some veggies and a fruit salad for munching on.....and have the toy box ready.  Oh.... and find CANDY.

*laughing*  Not a bad way to spend a Saturday.
We can order chicken and pizza for the dinner.
I believe in keeping things simple.  And easy for everyone involved.
Six houses they'll be looking at today.

They can look.

And we can PLAY.
:-D

She'll drag 'em out.
It's the putting back deal that she's notsogood at.

It's genetic.  ROFL

Today's Reading

You’re not stuck where you are unless you choose to be. On any day, at any moment, in any situation, you can change.

If you’re moving too fast, you can slow down. If you’re going too slow, you can speed things up.

No matter how many times you’ve made the same mistake, you can choose not to make it again. No matter how often you’ve sabotaged your own efforts, you can make the choice to go ahead and succeed in those efforts.

The outside factors may be quite significant and burdensome, yet they are not what keep you stuck. The thing that truly keeps you stuck is your refusal to make the necessary effort to move forward.


Choose to take responsibility, to take the initiative, and to take action. Make it your business to make real progress, and you will.

37 Pages Later

I feel a bit schizophrenic.  LOL  I'm up, I'm down...I'm witchy and talking to body parts.  It's just nutz!
Sooooo....lemme flop 360°......
YIPPEE!!  I get to go back to physical therapy!
I have to see the head guy so he can see what I can tolerate that doesn't start the Rice Krispe tune....so the other gals can have clear direction when they torture work with me.
Yep I have a sore leg, muscular I've decided....cuz I feel better about it being muscular so it IS muscular.  :-/
Gonna start with some things here this weekend.  I'll only have time for two sessions  before it'll be time to go see the doc.  Yup...up down back and forth...craziness.  *sigh*
I think the 37 pages of doctor notes that I got in the mail today just shoved me over the edge.  I needed them for the insurance company.  Darn straight I waded through every page.  Holy cow....major big word alert!!!   I opted to NOT improve my vocabulary by looking up all those medical terms.  I'da been looking up words all freaking weekend.
I'm choosing to focus on the "Improving slowly" cuz THOSE words I understand.  THOSE words I'm gonna make my mantra for the next 24 hours.

I WILL NOT START LOOKING UP MEDICAL TERMS.
I MEAN IT.

Any bets?  :-/

Oldies but goodies

Outtabrain into black and white.....MOVE

Always remember that life’s fulfillment is not handed to you, but is created by you out of the reality that comes your way.

Well, thanks for that.  *sigh*
I'm debating.
It's a very quiet debate....mostly in my head which is why I've opted to put fingers to keyboard at this moment.

I got out of bed this morning, took one step...and decided that swearing outloud would be a bad plan.  It was 437am--NOT the time to start with very loud cursing.
Seriously, I think I'm a tad....hypervigilant and a bit into the drama that's accompanied this brace and leg deal.  I keep saying Leftie's gonna do what Leftie's gonna do.  And then I try to will Leftie into doing it my way.
Son of a gun it freaking hurt when I put weight on Leftie this morning.
Now--could be it was early morning and I mis-stepped. Could be cuz I was bare footed.... Could be I just need to give that another go and come to a conclusion.  Certainly have the girl coming with the fella and the Bug to do some house searching tomorrow.  Could be I'm excited about that and just wasn't paying attention to what I was doing.

I'll get dressed, get the funky sneaks on and give it another go.  Cuz the drama in my head is doing me in.  I have he-who-is-visiting-the-mum all excited....and his mum is over the moon about the visit.  His kiddos are making plans....everything's all electric about him making the trip.  And I'm NOT tossing the switch on it cuz of Leftie.  :-/

Yup--see the amount of pressure I put myself under every time there's an ache or pain happening?
Too much drama.  TOO much uncertainty and wayyyyyyy too creative of an imagination.
KNOCK IT OFF.

I'll ring the Physical Therapist who was SUPPOSE to talk with the doc and ring me back with an appointment....who hasn't.  I'll get the sneaks on, get myself to work and see how the morning goes.
OF course it's the weekend.  *sigh*
I'm NOT sounding bells and alarms because it freaking hurt in the dark at 4am.
I can sit and move it without issue.
Walking around barefoot and trying to be weight bearing at 4am--bad plan.
So is too much drama.

Seriously...I'm going back to read the reading. 

Yes.....the book is in the hallway.

I'll crutch around it when I get dressed.
I can READ it on the web log.  :-/

HOUSE hunting! What great fun!!!!!
AND I'll get to watch her Buggliness while they wander about!  
Ohhhhh...maybe she can drag out the sidewalk chalks and we can colour!!!!!!

Fairy Words for Today

Challenges provide outstanding opportunities to be your best, and to get even better. Disappointments can help you more fully appreciate the good things you have.

Look for the positive possibilities in whatever happens. Those positive possibilities are most certainly there.

Instead of resenting where you are, or who you must deal with, or what you must do, find something positive. Find a way to grow, to learn, to appreciate, to become stronger and more highly skilled.

Instead of wishing for an easy situation, see and make the most of the value in whatever the situation may be. Always remember that life’s fulfillment is not handed to you, but is created by you out of the reality that comes your way.

Sooooooo gonna do this......

whining..

Did you get my email about the schedules?

Don't get me wrong--it's good the boss checks in with me on text.  LOL  And yes--I did get on the work website to make sure he had what he needed.  Thank goodness for that being an option.  I didn't get the email he sent at 507pm--I HAD TO LEAVE WORK AT 1PM. *sigh*

I get to work four hours a day.
I don't get to go on the unit.  (I'll confess that I did next time I see him.)
I get to do four hours at work, sitting only.
And I get to do that for at least two more weeks--I have an upcoming appointment when I'm HOPING all that will change.  Not that I'm ungrateful for being allowed to return to work.  I'm very clear the boss coulda said NO to the conditions and I would have had to remain full time AT HOME.

Last week I sucked at math and was reminded I have a release to work only for four hours.

Even from an office--four hours is wayyyy too little time to get things done that need done.  And that's without the interference of students/families that want a minute of my time (known as 45 minutes 'real time'...LOL).

I've had to say 'not the best plan' to things that I was okay with doing--simply because of the 'unknown' factor here.  I've had to leave when I felt a need to stay because of the 'get to do four hours' factor.
I've only been 'allowed' to pick up the administrative things that folks weren't doing(--the boss was cuz they couldn't) and the supervision of my 'first reports'.  All that 'other stuff' has remained with those who've been doing it for a quarter of a year already.

I can't get to stuff I need to get to.  And I can't get done what I need to get done in four hours!

*sigh*
I wonder....think begging the doc would work?  Cuz 'THE RELEASE SAID' is what keeps getting in my way.
Yeah.......THAT'S not gonna happen.....
*sigh*
Four hours.

Oh.....HUSH and be grateful!
:-/

More....

You have nothing to prove and everything to be. 

What matters is the truth of who you are, not the way you appear to others.

Wishful Thinking.......

Progress is in the eye of the beholder

Ha.
My doc is back from his little vacation...and I now have permission to return to LIGHT physical therapy for range of motion.
This is cuz I begged.  LOL  AND whined.
This 'sitting still' jazz isn't cutting it.  I explained that there wasn't pain involved with the snapping...I could put limited weight on it....and I NEED the forward movement.
He suggested hydro-therapy.

I agreed to go RIGHT down to the creek and get that goin'.  LOLOL

No, I'm not interested in driving 80 minutes one way to go splash in a shallow, expensive kiddie pool.......twice a week.
And No, splashing in the creek wasn't exactly what he had in mind....So.....

I got permission to restart.
And he was faxing on the order BUT wanted to speak directly to the physical therapist BEFORE I went back.  Great...wonderful.....sounds like a deal!!

And I was soooooooo excited!  (note the past tense...)

And then I went to bed.
And then the snapping began--no matter how I positioned myself.
And this morning I'm sore at the break point.
Sore.
NOT in pain....just...sore.

*sigh*
I take the calcium pills and the vitamin D.
I don't DO what they tell me not to do.  (well, 'cept for what the boss tells me about staying OFF the unit--but that's not medical instructions so that doesn't count.....cuz I say so...)
I even started talking NICE to the silly thing instead of threatening it.

IT IS NOT COOPERATING.
Well....it doesn't SEEM to be cooperating.
Hold on......
Maybe it IS cooperating and sore is good cuz it means the muscles are working with the weight that I'm putting on it!

Yep.....that's it!
I'm sure that's it!!

Nice leg!  Good job Leftie!!
HEAL!!
:-/

Fairy Diddy

The way to do what you love is to put real, authentic love into whatever you do.

..of the non-citrus type

Oy......

Yup. All it took was ONE skirt in the mail from the sister.  Seriously?! I thought that was a good deal!  Uh huh.....backfired!!!!  *sigh*

I've said--once or twice--that the stupid fiberglass cast ATE my skirts.
I wasn't kidding.
Now, granted, probably coulda limited the skirt wearing to cotton skirts only....and granted, a slip minimized some of the damage (did absolutely JACK for the slips, however.....).  But c'mon...day in day out, day after day....you NEED a bit of variety in how ya dress or you're gonna go nuts.  Well, I do anyway..
I refused to wear some dresses/suits--ummm.....with a cast?  Notsomuch.
But the ones I relied on--have suffered abuse at the hands of the evil fiberglass cast.

I DID get Levi's on once.  So I know it's doable--but when they adjusted the brace to 'you're going to hate it' tightness....I hated it .....and slacks weren't an option.  Still aren't.... Sooooooo....
I've happily returned to the worksite in my work attire--yes, skirts and dresses....oh, and a brace. WITH cool sneaks!

But when the fashion queen says "you're not wearing that skirt to work, are you?" and you say YUP.....AM!--a date gets set for shopping for replacement clothing.  Shopping?  SHOPPING?!  Umm.....ewwww?

PROBABLY would make more sense to see what they say at the next appointment?

They don't care how you look for work.

But I HATE shopping......and the sister sent me a new skirt!

One down, six or seven to go.  We'll look for skirt sets.

SIX OR SEVEN?!

*sigh*  He's gotta point.  They're now good enough for every day wear, but they're NOT quite making the mark with the cool sneaks.  They work, sorta.  They're just a bit...snagged in places?
I hate to shop.
And I think the answer is to return to the little shop where that nice gal took all of 10 minutes to find, sell and ring up the last new work attire I purchased.
Maybe there's a chair I can park it on?

Or....I'll let him do the running here and there.
And if I don't like what he picks out--I'll send him to the Jeep!

*sigh*  I still think putting stickers on the brace would be an excellent solution.
I have cool ones!
And between the stickers and the cool sneaks--who's to notice the snags here and there?!
:-/

Right.
Work..and then shop.

Pray for me.  LOLOL

Dare to Have Joy:
*  that I GET to be at work.....even if it's in snagged skirts?  LOL
*  the patio sitting opportunities...omgosh....2 days in a row!
*  rolling thunder from the distance
*  "we'd like to move closer so the Bug gets more Nana time"...omg!
*  wee pinwheels...that require wee buttons.....oohhhhh...must buy new wee buttons!  :-)

Reading for Today

Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.

We know what is best for us. We know what is right for us. If we are wrong, if we need to change our mind, we will be guided into that - but only by trusting where we are today.

We can look to others for support and reinforcement, but trust in ourselves is essential.

RAWRRR AND GRRRR!!!

Rawrrr!!!!!

I'm getting ate up and spit out by the Moof Monster.....AGAIN.
I've not discovered the common denominator in it yet.  'Cept that Moofie doesn't seem  to discriminate...he'll gobble up any ol' comment he pleases...which is just BAD FORM.
I was to a point where it made sense to put comments in a word doc before.  The threat alone seemed to send Moofie on his way.
He's bacccckkkk!!!

Seriously.
Word ver thingies aren't showing up, "sorry....no can publish!" messages...and *POOF!!* comment turns to breakfast for Moofie....

RAWRRR!!!!

LOL
I'm sure that solves everything.

Powerhouse in Brick

Things that make me happy....

....the return of patio sitting!  (YEAHH!!)

....the 'tap-tap-taptaptaptap' of Harry the woodpecker.

....making it across the rough terrain to feed Mr. Cardinal.  (LOL  The yard needs rolled!)

....hot wings with 'devils' spit'.  :-/

....the smell of sun tan lotion.

....NO MORE ICE/SNOW.  :-D

....the wee cuttings I stole last year--growing THIS year.

....digging out a bucket of sidewalk chalk.