Just a Whitecup Moment (pardon me a minute....)

Yes, I know it's New Years Eve.

Yes, I know most folks are raising something. . . . different than a whitecup with goobery thingies down the side of it.....
This (the goobery thingies) is not my fault! k.....apparently it is, but it's not a DELIBERATE thing......
Now, the absence of raising of something different--mostly my fault cuz I'm a coffee freak, though I didn't ask for the disease of alcoholism.
I mighta kinda sorta helped it along......but.......

k.......I helped it along.

Sheesh.

Where was I?

Oh yeah......it's New Years Eve.
*looking around*

If you've been hangin' around this joint for any length of time you know I don't 'celebrate' on New Years Eve.
Nope--not even during my 'drinking career'.
Fact is, it was one of the few nights you could actually find me sober.

It's not my deal.....by choice.
It's an honour thing, I think.
A kind of 'tradition' that I uphold.
Initially for wrong reasons...and today for very right reasons.
I'm here, complete with the whitecup with goobery thingies down the side, to remind me of those reasons.

You'll have to excuse me while I remind me:



I lost my mother on New Years Eve many, many moons ago.
I was just a wee thing. And I prayed really, really hard......a very unselfish prayer for such a wee thing.
I asked You to simply let my mother live into the New Year.

Not for an abundance of time....not to see me graduate out of grade school, not to be there for my first prom...... not to see me get married or to hold grandbabies--just let her live into the new year, that's all.

It didn't get to happen.
But the beginnings of a longstanding resentment with You did.

I decided You were capricious and fickle and didn't give a care about me and what I wanted/needed in my life. I decided it was stupid to go to you with anything, for anything.
And while I might have gone through the motions because I was all about making it LOOK good for the world around me........I decided You--were an extortionist.

Gimme.......... Do this.......or else.

I decided better I become the great and powerful ME.
And that became my world, my mission, my creed.

Me. Mine. Where's MINE. Gimme........ Do this........ or else.....

I opted to chase after things that, I'll admit, You tried to warn me about.
WHY you bothered to do that after ignoring my prayer only served to fuel that resentment I had..... Capricious extortionist. I was convinced.


Can I just say I'm glad I got around to discovering?
Can I just say how grateful I am.....for every circumstance, for every course of events, for every storm and every joyous, harrowing, eye opening moment that brought me to the great understanding of how very, very, VERY loved I am.....exactly AS I am?

Can I just say how much I love You?

Hope so...
Cuz I just did.

((((((((((((((((( The Big Guy )))))))))))))))))))))


Thanks, yaknow?
Thanks for taking such good care of me--even when, ESPECIALLY when, I was being a horses rearend.

And thank You for bring me to this New Year.

Live and let live fairy

The more comfortable we are with the knowledge that each of us has a unique journey to make, a specific purpose to fulfill, the easier it is

Being able to let others live and learn their own lessons is one of our lessons.

The more we master it, the more peaceful we'll be.

I have enough to do just living my life today.

I can let others do what they must, to let other people live their own lives.

Tick.......tick........tick.......

The narrowed clock hands ticked by, echoing in her head. Staring blindly, the numbers were indistinguishable, clouded and distorted into blurry nothingness.

Darkness prevailed in the external and the internal.

There was no attachment to reality, to fantasy--to what could be, to what was.....or to what wasn't.

There was a tinged lonliness to the aloneness.
Time wasn't relevant.

Space wasn't relevant.

And still the clock hands ticked by...

Tick, tick, tick....

Full circle.

A lifetime come around to greet her in rapid slowmotion.
It was the lifetime of fullness, of emptiness, of being immersed in the comings and goings that life brings. Fragments of life-moments at the sidelines being observed in silent paralysis.

But it was her life.

Times of gladness, times of joy--all muddled in the shapes and faces of those she's met along the way.....And those she'd not met created the background, melding into the clock hands as it ticked it's precious time without moving.

Emptiness.

Bittersweet emptiness.

Celebrations of days without numbers that were numbered even still.

It wasn't sadness that permeated the silent ticking hands with the faces of the unknown. It was wisdom and peacefulness.

Knowing and understanding.
Restful nothingness in the flurry of the familiar, she tried to breate in the absence of feeling, the absense of thought and the absence of the ebb and flow of irrespective time.

Tick, tick, tick....

The sound was unheard.

Eyes closed, she basked in the void and bouyed in the suspended nothingness.

Wisdom, peacefulness......glorious nothingness.

Tick, tick, tick......

Yeah, yeah, yeah.......WAKE UP MEL!!!!

Back to life and reality!!!

Getcher heels on and get movin'!

Sheeeeeeeshhhhhh.......

Some moments I'm really, really, REALLY self indulgent.

Things that make me happy

....unwrapped wrapping paper strewn over wigglin', happy toes.

....quacking duckie lights.

....a mushy holiday card from himself. (awwwwww....)

....chocolate snowmans.

....the smell of roasting turkey.

....a jar filled with marbles.

....standing for Handel's Hallelujah Chorus.

Nike Fairy!

When you don't feel like doing what you know you need to do, that's the best time to go ahead and do it anyway.

The first step in getting it done will require you to go against your natural tendency to put it off until later and to stay comfortably where you are.

Remaining comfortable sometimes means self imposed paralysis.
Decide to do it anyway.
Nothing changes until something changes.
And you really do have the ability to make a change happen.

QOTW 12/29/08

What 'thing' did you do this holiday season that you'd like to repeat and save as a 'tradition' for the next holiday season?

Gosh.

*thinking*

The pins holding string holding the holiday cards that himself put up on the wall.

Sounds strange--but for years and years we've stood all the cards on every flat surface there was a space on. (face it, that's VERY limited this time of year....LOL)

Himself went clearrrrrrrrr up by the ceiling and put straight pins and strung thread--and we have the cutest little swag of holiday cards goin' on! Nothing falling over and having to be righted on the tables time after time again..... And we could see every one of 'em! Which was way cool!

I kinda hate to take 'em down cuz they give the room a warmth to it.

No fooling--straight pins and sewing thread.

The fairy's diddy

"Confess your hidden faults.
Approach what you find repulsive.
Help those you think you cannot help.
Anything you are attached to, let it go.
Go to the places that scare you."

Wings and prayers......

It's not fair.
It's not 'just'.
It just IS.

Stage 4 ovarian cancer isn't something people get to walk away from--I know this.


I'm praying for G-d's will to be done and I want to mean it.
I really DO.

There's 11 weeks until a baby will be borne--it would be her first grandbaby. She's trying to hang on until she arrives.
I don't know that she can.
There's not much of her left.
The disease is rampant--her CA125 is at 6800.....that's just one indicator of how freely it's moving through her body.....and it's not fair.....it's not just.....it just IS.

More than anything I want her to find peace--to be painfree.
I don't know if it's wrong to want and hope for what she's not hoping for--but it's what I want for her.
Is that G-d's will or mine I'm asking for.....

........mine.......


I hate cancer.
I hate what it does.
I hate when there's no getting in its way.....and it wins.
Cuz I hate losing.
I'm a sore loser.

And I'm madder than hell that I know I so much.

I wish I didn't......

Sleeping with Bread

The year is fast approaching its close.
And I've started an inventory.

It's just what I do....year after year after year...

I begged out of doing a 4th step once--and boy was that a bad plan for me.
I'm one who requires discipline and routine.
If it's not scheduled to happen, it doesn't. I put off, 'forget' and move on to other things.

Who likes looking at the good, the bad and the ugly about themselves and their personal interactions with others--and with their Creator.

Welllllllllll....apparently I do?

I'd tell myself it's been a 'bad' year, but really, 'bad' is based on present day knowledge.

......More knowledge, more experiences--more will be good. Truly, that's been my experience over and over and over again.

I know this is a shortened view of the whole picture.

And boy am I grateful for that! Cuz in this shortened view--I'd tell ya it's all pretty well SUCKED.

*sigh*

And there's my consolation today.

Really. Not that it's SUCKED...but that I have a shortened view.

And I need to embrace that one for all its worth......cuz that's some of what 'faith' has taught me.

I have limited vision and can only see what I see.
There's a bigger picture that's really--ultimately--for the good.

When I refused a job three times--this job, in fact....I got helped to get mighty uncomfortable where I was. I liked where I was. I liked what I was doing.

And for no legitimate reason, no predictable reason--it all turned ugly where I was. And it turned ugly very fast.
Truly, it'd been clear and calm sailing up to that point. Beautiful place, beautiful group of staff and kiddos....I loved where I was and was NOT about to move for some rinky-dink town to start some program with some agency I had no clue about.

Reluctantly, I resigned myself to what I was 'hearing' from the Big Guy, what I was experiencing....and I said 'yes'.

Sometimes I don't think the Big Guy has a clue about what He's doing.

(Yes, I convince myself of the darndest things.)

That reluctant 'yes' brought me here.

It brought me closer to the boy and the girl (who were living with their father at that time) and made me available as a haven for them, where distance had made that impossible before. That reluctant 'yes' played a huge part with their decision to not return to their father cuz they were miserable and un-safe there. Moving me here revealed that to me as well. Prior to that--it was a well kept secret......a hidden part of the equation that I didn't get to have.
It brought me closer to the medical facilities that needed to be available for treating cancers and blood diseases.......which connected me to Dr. Neo-Nazi--who worked his arse off to help me have a quality of life today that I was told I wasn't going to have.

It brought me to WPIML--though I didn't wanna haffta choose another one, he's been a gift from G-d.
It brought me to relationships that I'd have never had.....

The list goes on and on and on.

So, with limited vision--I can only see what I see.

I'm glad for that knowledge, today.


Inventories are good for things about MEL that MEL needs to alter--which is why the 4th step is so important for me.

I'll look at those unresolved resentments/angers and fears.......and I'll do a sex inventory. But that's a look at me and my dealings with people and with G-d and with myself.
It's not a look at the 'good, bad, and ugly' of what life has handed me.

I can't call those with my limited vision.

I'd be a fool to think I could......though it doesn't stop me whining about 'em, huh?

Yeah, well......

With my limited vision I can and will pray a prayer that's served me over and over again--even if it makes me nervous every time I pray it:

G-d....comfort me when I am disturbed, and disturb me when I am comfortable. May I do your will always.

Amen

OH, please help me mean that....

(cuz all too often that Amen='s "but you know what I want")

Fairy reading

Near the Top

I know you're tired.

I know you feel overwhelmed.

You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.

It won't.

You are almost through.

You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard.

You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.

Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire.

You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more.

You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe.

Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.

You have had opposition.

You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy.

You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you.

Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.

Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated.

There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route.

You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve.

Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.

Yet, it has been good.

Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.

So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection.

You are beginning to see and sense that.

You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you?

But they did.

Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.

You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you?

But it did.

You have learned patience.

You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.

You have been led.

Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned.

Now you know you have been guided.

Now things are coming into place.

You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey.

The lesson is almost complete.

You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn.

Yes, that one.

You have almost mastered it.

You have been changed from the inside out.

You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.

You have been climbing a mountain.

It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy.

Now, you are near the top.

A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.

Steady your shoulders.

Breathe deeply.

Move forward in confidence and peace.

The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for.

That time is drawing near, finally.

I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't.

But now, the reward is coming.

You know that too.

You can feel it.

Your struggle has not been in vain.

For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.

Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth.

Enjoy.

There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them.

And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.


Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.

Soooooooo......

When they ring you at dinner time and let you know that it's lookin' like folks won't be able to get into work--you change your plans.
And when you ring them back to ask where they need you and they tell you they don't--you change your plans again.

And then you whap yourself--cuz if the weather was bad enough to warrant people not being able to get to work, what makes you think you'll be able to get anywhere either?!

*snickering*

Sometimes I'm just too silly.

I'm blaming the weatherman, though.
46 and thunderstorms this morning--21 and a virtual skating rink WITH snow tonight.

Yup.....small wonder I'm confused! ;-)

TFTD

We have stumbled.

We will stumble.

And we learn about ourselves, about what makes us stumble and about the methods of picking ourselves up.

Life is a process, a learning process that needs those stumbles to increase our awareness of the steps we need to take.

None of us could realize the part our stumbling played in the past.

When we fall, we need to trust that, as before, our falls are "up," not down.

We will see the whole view in time.

Guess what himself did!!!

Yup.

Chestnuts.

UH oh......

*singing*

Chestnuts roasting on a broiler pan.....
Jack Frost nipping at your nose....

Lalalalalala :-)

(close enough!)

QOTW 12/26/08

What's your favorite gift of this holiday season?

Oh, I got such nice prezzies.......

Ummmmm....

k...hands down--the quacking duckie light.
Wait....maybe the duckies that change colour.

OR....maybe the scented bubbles!
OR.....maybe the flipping penguin?

Nah.

The quacking duckie light! :-)

Whitecup moment.....

I have a quiet moment this morning.

Himself is tucked away--snoring no doubt.
The house is silent. (we've had fleeting moments of silence in the past few days--mostly it's been a flurry of comings and goings and doings--holidays are like that.....)
There's a good cuppa coffee sitting on the coffee table and I've got some time to put fingers to keyboard before I head into the day......

And it's going to be a flurry of a day today.

It's the holidays.

Stuff is gonna happen.

I need to think past the holidays--into what I want to do.
And that's not comfy......cuz I like to stay in the safety of 'today' and 'not go there'. Even if I'm not particularly 'content' with what IS--familiar ain't bad.......
But I really do need to get some order, some 'plan' to get to where I know I need to be.

I know me.

If I don't build in some discipline and make the habit 'mine', then it ain't gonna happen.
I'm the great procrastinator--a bit of an avoider at times.....and I ain't too bad at denial, either.

Maybe it's about a resolution for the New Years--even if that is a bit hokey sounding. Cuz I've never been much for New Year's Resolutions. But nothing changes if nothing changes. And something has to give.

I'm tired.

I know that, the whole world knows that. Sheeeeeeeshhhhhh I'm such a whiner...

It's really simple.

I've got to get something different physically, emotionally, spiritually.

How to get that--I'm not quite sure. But I'm clear 'different' needs to happen.

And I'm clear that I'll have people along the way that'll be more than glad to help me do different to get different.

k.....

TFTD

Loneliness and isolation are familiar states to most of us.

We often protected our insecurities by hiding out, believing that we'd survive if others didn't know who we really were.

But we discovered that our insecurities multiplied.

The remedy is people - talking to people, exposing our insecurities to them, risking, risking, risking.

To you and yours--

From us.....and ours.
May you find all that you're looking for this Holiday Season.



OH!! OHHH!!!!
I found the heart!! I found the heart!!!!
HA!

:-)

Becoming Fairy

Our awakening is partly a process of becoming real.

We're moving from the external controls of image and others' opinions to the internal controls of honesty, listening to our inner voice, and having true relationships.
We are shedding the games that maintained our old style of life - "macho" or "hero" or "poor me."
In place of the old surface, we are developing a real relationship with ourselves.

We are becoming more aware - of emotions, of need for rest, of violations of our values.

Sometimes change comes in a flash of insight or a moment of sudden, piercing awareness, but more often it comes a little bit at a time.

Holiday Surprises

Monday I made the trip to the central office cuz it was required...prezzies for the kiddos and an Administrative meeting before the 'other' Administrators headed out on their Holiday Week. (wow.......people really take whole WEEKS off during the holidays....isn't that just too weird?!) There was a whole one lane for travel on Monday (see above)....the rest was icy messy ick.
-36 .....you can bet nothing was melting....

Tuesday morning they were warning us about another storm that was gonna make things even messier so I decided to get the kiddos sent home a day early......cuz it wasn't gonna get any better for the families we work with.

I'm soooooo glad I opted to do that.

By Tuesday night the snow was blowing across the highways, drifting or 'buffing' the chemically melted stuff into what's lovingly referred to 'black ice' around these parts.
I woke up to snow this morning and it stopped around noon......finally....
And the sun came out...yippee(!!)....but the wind was blowing.

*sigh*
When the snowploughs are losing it and sliding/overturning into ditches--that's a pretty darn good sign that driving ought NOT be happening.

Some of the kiddos that intended to be with families this holiday, won't get to be.
No worries--the staff who are working with 'em have great things in the works!

Some of staff who intended to be with their families an hour or so away---won't get to be.
At this point in time the girl won't be joining us for the Eve and it ain't lookin' real good for Christmas day either.
k......I admit it...... I threatened her with bodily harm if she/the other other boy even attempted it!

No worries--she responds well to threats. LOL Besides, himself and I have great things in the works to be festive with the staff who're stranded away from their families.


:-)





Reminder to self:
NEVER, EVER give The Brit grief for having enough food to feed an army.....cuz ya never know when you might have a need to feed 'em!

*humming*

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Let your heart be light

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Make the Yule-tide gay,

Next year all our troubles will be miles away.

Once again as in olden days,

Happy golden days of yore.

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Will be near to us once more.

Through the years we all will be together,

If the Fates allow

Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow

So have yourself
A merry little Christmas now.

Dust

As I grow, I see that I was always 'real'. I was just looking at the outside.

For my own sake.........

GODISNOWHERE does NOT = GOD/IS/NOWHERE

GODISNOWHERE = GOD/IS/NOW/HERE

Anxious, anxious, anxious......

Figured if I put fingers to keyboard, it'd do me some good..

So with that said--

The girl shows up for her ultrasound to determine 'boy or girl' today.
For some reason, I've become extremely anxious........not a good anxious.
Dunno if I'm borrowing troubles on that one, or if it's just misguided 'feelings' about all this 'gramma' jazz.
Ummmmmm.....yeah, well.......no one's called me 'granny' TWICE.......yet.....

*sigh*
I so want good results for the girl. A healthy baby, a safe pregnancy and delivery.....cancer free would be good.
I'd be lying to say that part doesn't concern me.

I know they're keeping watch on it.
I know she's got a good oncologist.
I know her oncologist speaks with my oncologist--truly, that brings me a degree of peace.....she's got the whole picture of the family history which is a very good thing. She needs to be operating on all the information and truly, she can't count on the girl to give it to her.
I was such a sheltering mom during that time.
*sigh*

I just want for good things with this.
It could be her only chance to have a baby......to become a mom.....

Sheeeeeeeshhhhhhh.......that choked me up beyond what's comfortable......

I really do want her to have the chance to be a mom--cuz she really wants that.
But I want her to be able to be a mom for a LONG time.
Cuz I know what it's like to grow up without a mom.
k...

THERE'S the source of the anxiety.

Stay in today, Mel.
Celebrate what's true TODAY.

And today---hopefully you'll know pink or blue.
Pink.

Methinks pink........

k......

-36° wanderings......

Ahhhhh....but did I notice how cold I was?

Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

:-)

The difference a presence makes......

I was gifted a lovely star--simply for showing up.

Oh, I know it's more than that.
I know the power of another's presence.

I know, without saying or doing, how simply showing up can lend to a situation for the good.
I know how that works in my life.

I know how it works in the lives of others.

I don't know HOW that works, but I know it does.

Sometimes I don't make the time to tell people just what a difference their presence makes in MY life......

It does.

Hugely and vastly........be that the same room, on the phone, through this medium....or simply knowing you're being held in thought.

What each of you does--matters.

"Matters to this one......"

((((((((((((((((((((((( everyone ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Blessings to you and yours.


And yaknow, I need to remind each of you..........cuz it's what I do--

..........how very, very, VERY loved you are.

My mornings, my evenings and my everybitinbetween are brighter and lighter and filled with love because of you.

(((((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Today's Thought

In some area of life, you and I have hardened our hearts.

Perhaps it is a former lover whom we have not forgiven; or we are angry at a political group that opposes our point of view; or an early wound has left a trail of hurt and cynicism.

Whatever the person or circumstance, the solution is the same - open your heart again.

Sleeping with Bread

It's a time of quiet reflection.

A time of being still, a time of listening.....

So I sit--the flurry of the day's happenings disappear, and in the realms of the quietness I can hear the gentle, soulful song that's playing somewhere in the darkness.....

"Silent night......
Holy night.
....All is calm

All is bright......"

There's little brightness as I let myself go to the dark places inside.

There's pain and loneliness, there's a twisted version of reality....there's a stark imbalance of what's true.........

It's an indulgence if I let myself sit and play with the hurts and fears.
There's little good that will come to me if I wander in those dark places, alone.
In the dark and quietness the list is long, it seems.
Longer than I want......

.....longer than it truly is--

When I hold on to the list, it grows. When I share it, it diminshes.
The indulgence comes when I make it MINE....when I convince myself that it's not to be shared, that it's best kept to ME.

They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them.

I fear for how little of me is left.
I fear for the financial situations of the world and where that will take us.
I fear for the health of himself--for the separateness he suddenly feels and how that will play out in our lives....
I fear for the safety and health of the girl.

I fear for the results of my fears, should I stay indulgent.

Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, "Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow."

What sustains me is what's true--
I truly am graced.
G-d has a plan for my life......and has for some time now.
He's not dropped me.....even when it's felt like He had, I was still being held and carried and loved.
He does well at making certain I get reminded of that.

How easily I forget.
How easily I can allow those indulgences to become bigger than Him and what's true.



I have a life today.
I have a piece of peace.
I have brightness and calm during the storm......anytime I want to go there, I can....and I'm welcomed with open arms.....no matter what.
I have the opportunity to be an active grandparent.
I have a husband who enjoys my company, who loves me for the me that I well and truly am.
And every day I get opportunities to make a difference......to help someone be all that they well and truly ARE.

I am loved.

"....Sleep in heavenly peace.....

...Sleep in heavenly peace."

Wee Fairy Thought

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Yup...we've had a slight blizzardy moment...

Nothing huge--certainly could be worse.

But it's a taste of the season we've officially entered today.

-35 windchill, -7 actual temp. 7 inches plus 3 more of snow......ucky roads......they're drifting over with 60 mph gusts of wind.

Welcome to winter!!!!!!

Himself was amused that the gus birdies were hiding under the Jeep whilest the motor was running.

Poor things are cold.

And.....My weekend--well.....

When you're one of the few who actually live in town AND can get to where you're needed--that's whatcha do.

And I believe we've (hopefully) pushed out the last stuck car --and jump started the last car for this morning. (I can hope!!!)

Thinkin' a cuppa hot soup would be good about now.

*chuckling*

And I was worried about wrapping prezzies....LOL

SILLY me, huh?!!!!!

:-) Today's warm fuzzy.....

We are loved.

Regardless of all painful experiences we may have had that convinced us love never lasts, or that love may be fine for others but it just doesn't work for us - regardless of what we may have learned of love - we are loved.

Another thought for the day

There are many injustices in the world, but you won't get anywhere by using those injustices as excuses.
Your best response is to work over, under, around and through them.

Accept the fact that life is unfair, and choose to experience the glory of it anyway.

Ready, set........

Tape.
Wrapping papers.
Boxes.
Bows.
Tags.

Check, check, check, check, and check!

Sheeeeeshhhhhh.

There's a mound of 'stuff' that's YET to be wrapped and I'm about to start to tackle it.
k....it's all MY stuff, of course....LOL

ASK if I can maneuver around in the bedroom!?
Nope. But hey......when you're surrounded by piles of 'stuff'--it kinda sorta puts ya in the holiday spirit!?
ummmmmm......well, not really........

Right.

Forward to the gift wrapping.
Kinda looks empty under that tree........

WON'T after a bit!

:-)

GO!!!!!!

Rats!

It's only six inches.....

BUT--they're saying another 3-6 inches this morning!!!!!
Wooooooooohoooooooooo!!!!!!!!



:-)

Yup.
Time to move snow!!!
<-- first to be called to work, dontchaknow!


Sooooooo........

Time to move snow and drop in the nearest snowbank!!!


(No, no, no......not some icky heart attack or somethin'....sheeeeshhhh!!!!)



Snowangels!!!!!!!!!

:-)

TFTD

Courage asks much of you, yet it is not complicated and is always within your reach.

Courage arises when your integrity will not allow any other choice....

Courage is the commitment to do what you know is right.

It's SNOWING! It's SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!

Fat flakes!

We have FAT flakes galore!!!!!!!!

:-)

They're saying 7-12 inches by noon tomorrow.
I'm thinkin' I'll be "Waking to a winterwonderland".

:-)

Yeah, yeah.....another month or so, I'll be moaning about that--but tonight......

WE HAVE FAT FLAKES!!!!!!!!

:-)

Oh.......and just so ya know--himself did what every red-blooded Iowan does when a snowstorm is forecasted. He stocked up on groceries! *laughing* He's soooooooooo been assimilated.

This is the same fella that snickered about that silly Iowan 'habit'.



WE HAVE FAT FLAKES!!!!!!!!

Yup. I GET it!!!!!

Lemme see.......

There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next. NO foolin'....I mean, gee.....thank you for telling me this......
Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering. k.....if I cannot have control over when these 'times' will happen--can I at least have control over how long they'll last?! k.....g'head and remind me that I, ultimately DO.....
We can get through these times. Yeah, yeah, yeah....
We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources. Lemme guess.... It ain't by coincidence that WPIML is hangin' around for a month. Talk about dumping other people in your path.....
Accept uncertainty. I am NOT going to 'embrace' what's in front of me and YOU can't make me! k....maybe you can......But I ain't gonna LIKE it. Hmmmmmpf....
We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. k........NOW you tell me.... Okay, okay.....I mighta already, kindasorta knowed that. MIGHTA.
We do not always have clear direction. Murky direction would be appreciated.....it doesn't haffta be 'clear'....I'm really not that choosey. k....I AM kinda choosey.....but for this one I'd make the acception!? (not to be confused with 'exception) Yeah, yeah.....probably not believing that one, huh?
Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse. Right. 'Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse'. k..... KNEW that. But knowing in my head and knowing in my heart......two different things, obviously..... Obviously!
It is okay to temporarily be without direction. Whoa, whoa, whoa......you're telling me it's OKAY to be where my feet are? k..... Probably the key word here is 'temporarily'. DEFINE temporarily.
Say, "I don't know," and be comfortable with that. Riggggghhhhhhhtttttt. Lemme practice that one. "I don't know." "I DON'T know." "I don't KNOW!" Nope......that ain't comfy. How about "Lemme get back to you on that one......" *nodding* Much better.
We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none. HA!!!! HA, I say!!!!!
While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. Righhhtttttt......as if LIFE will LET me?! k.....could we practice this 'on hold' jazz? I mean, how does one STOP circumstances from playing out in the first place?! Thinkin' we don't get to and this one's a sell job, trying to convince me that I have SOME control when I don't have any.....well, cept over my actions and my attitude....
Let go of anxiety and enjoy life. No, no, no.....you got that wrong..... I ain't anxious. Wait. *checking* OMG....maybe I AM anxious. Wow...... Oh, and that 'let go and enjoy'.....hold that thought. I mean, I think I just discovered that I'm a tad anxious. Shouldn't I get to revel in that discovery for a tad BEFORE I haffta go about the 'letting go and enjoying' jazz...I mean shouldn't I simply be enjoying that I KNOW I'm anxious? *nodding* Makes sense to me!
Relax. Hold on.....we just established that I MIGHT be a tad anxious.....
Do something fun. Oh, well......NOW we're TALKIN'!!!!!! I got the flipping penguin. I got the bitty sand castle in a box. I got bubbles!! :-) Ohhhhhhh.....and MOON SAND!!!!!! :-)
Enjoy the love and beauty in your life. Gonna enjoy the penguins and sand castles and BUBBLES!!!! :-)
Accomplish small tasks. k...hold on, lemme check that 'to do' list. HA! SMALL tasks.....Rigggghhhhtttt....... Can you say 'screwed'?!
They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim. Right. BACK to the flipping penguin, bitty sand castles and MOON SAND!!!! Oh......and BUBBLES!!! Wooooohoooooo!!!!!!
Clarity will come. Clarity Scharity..... MOON SAND!!!!!! :-)
The next step will present itself. Next step=Locate the MOON SAND.
Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever. *nodding* Yup.....MOON SAND here I come!!!! Wow.....sure glad we got THAT one straightened out.

Problem solved!
Thanks reading fairies!!!!

Today's Thought from the Reading Fairy

There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next.

Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.

We can get through these times.

We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.

Accept uncertainty.

We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next.

We do not always have clear direction.

Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.

It is okay to temporarily be without direction.

Say, "I don't know," and be comfortable with that.

We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.

While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold.

Let go of anxiety and enjoy life.

Relax.

Do something fun.

Enjoy the love and beauty in your life.

Accomplish small tasks.

They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim.

Clarity will come.

The next step will present itself.

Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.

Gift wrapping 101

Yup.....it's that time of year again.

Can I just say that I whizzed off to do two meetings yesterday, made one and whizzed back (k.....that's the wrong word......more like 'make a steady Exodus') while I was suppose to be at the second meeting. Six inches of snow will do that. And it dropped two hours earlier than forecasted--so I wasn't simply 'living on the edge' by showing up for the meetings.....

And there was a whole CAR full of prezzies in the car.
Yup......happens every year!
Every year folks donate prezzies for the kiddos.....and every year I tote 'em back to the house, fill up the livingroom and wrap 'em. What wonderful people--and what a difference it makes in the lives of the kiddos.
That's 24 kiddos......six to eight prezzies each..... *sigh* I suck at math and it's too early to even pretend that I can come up with an answer that's close to correct!

I stumbled over a few with my cuppa coffee this morning.
It's a maze....LOL.....but I made it!

And there's all these 'unwrapped' prezzies.

WPIML is coming back this evening.
I'm thinkin' it'll be simple enough to hide between the bags of prezzies.......

I'm also relatively sure that wrapping them would take more energy than I have to spare.
Whatsupwiththat?! *sigh*
Soooooooooo.....for once I'll be hauling them back to the unit and letting the other grown-ups (wait....that implies that *I'm* a grown-up....ha!) wrap the prezzies.

I MIGHTA decided this before I actually unloaded the car?
But noooooooooooo.....I was battling snow on the way home (geeze were the highways a MESS), left 'em in the car while I was at work, couldn't be bothered to unload 'em when I slid into work.....and knew they couldn't stay IN the car IN the garage IN the -4 actual/-23 windchill weather last evening.

HEY!!
Maybe a prezzie wrapping party?!
k.....probably more work than I'm willing to do at this moment in time.......

Ya don't suppose WPIML would wanna help wrap prezzies tonight when he comes to have another 'chat' with me, do ya?

Nah.
Me either.

Guess that means I load 'em all back INTO the car and haul 'em back to work for someone else to do the wrapping.

Any bets on whether I can make 'em all fit into the car a second time?
OH boy.......

Yet more dust....

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

--Mark Twain

1-800-TAKEMELSINVENTORY

Working half days is a plot.
Yesterday was decent. I did a bunch of 'stuff' at the workplace that was required and I simply left to go home and 'veg' on the couch. Or so I thought....

But I've discovered the 'plot'.
Working half days while WPIML is here--is an open invitation to having coffee and getting your inventory taken.

Sheeeeshhhhh....

Yup. I'm thin. Thanks for noticing.

You like that it's noticed.

Well, hello!!!! k......wait.....PART of me likes that it's noticed. The other part is pissed off that it's noticed and commented on and questioned as some kind of evil plot I have--

No, no...*I* have the evil plot. I'm about to ask the question you don't want to answer.

Oh THAT'S why you're smirking!!!!

Pretty extreme package on the outside, Mel--it's got everybody's attention. So....wanna tell me what it's conveniently drawing the attention FROM?



It's not like I didn't know the question would happen.
It's not like WPIML is the first person to ask the damn question.
It's that I feel compelled to tell him the freaking TRUTH.

I ain't happy.
Oh, I have my moments of happiness....you know, bits and pieces that the little things in life bring to me. It's not like I'm walking around like and Eeyore, 'woe is me' about this, that and everything inbetween.
Face it, I know how to 'act as if'.....and really, I DO have those moments of happiness that the little things in life bring to me.
But--I'm not HAPPY, happy.
I'm not centered in all that's good and true.
I'm not thrilled about the adventures that life keeps plonking down in front of me.

I'm not convinced of the plan that the Big Guy has for me.
And I'm pretty well into the proverbial question "Conceited or convinced?" that's always posed to me when I find myself in the midst of all that 'gunk'.
Convinced of the plan that G-d has for my life.....or conceited and thinkin' it's all about MEMEME....the where's MINE.....the what about MEMEME......

I can answer that one.
WPIML didn't NEED me to answer that one.

The answer is I'm NOT HAPPY.
And I have a list of things Mel isn't happy with/about.
Good gawd.....A LIST.......

And the question is "Whaddaya gonna do about it?"

The answer to that involves a surrender.
The answer to that involves going back to some basics.
The answer to that involves a letting go and an acceptance of what IS today.

You're not lookin' like you wanna do those things....

He's right.
I don't.

So apparently I'm 'okay' with being unhappy, off center and

\_______________________________________________/this far away from the source of all that's good and true?

Nah. I'm genuinely NOT okay with it.

(uhoh......here comes that 'just=justification' that I know and love so well.....)
I just don't wanna surrender what's wrong with me to get what's right for me.

That's just plain STUPID on my part.

*sigh*

And he wants the freaking list.......
*sigh*

HOW long is he here for again?
Oh.......just a freaking MONTH!

*sigh*

Things that make me happy

....windup penguins that flip!

....pretty foilwrapped chocolate coins....that I can munch on at will!

....glittery, attack fingers.

....a new whitecup! (the quest continues...LOL)

....hearing "...uh uh.....MOM says...."

....evil prezzie wrapping.....with layers and tape and boxes in boxes. *snickering*

....touching "do not open til X-mas" packages and running really fast!

Dustings

Doubt indulged soon becomes doubt realized.

--Frances Ridley Havergal

Each time we determine the proper behavior, choose an action that feels right, and take responsibility where it is clearly ours to take, the benefits will startle us and bring us joy.

Okay.....I admit it

I watched A Charlie Brown's Christmas.

And I got weepy.

I'm blaming the messed up electrolytes.

*nodding*

QOTW (otherwise known as ME being honest with ME)

So what is it you'd REALLY like for Christmas?

This is going to sound bizarre to the world around me......if you're reading for the sake of reading--you might wanna RUN AWAY!!!! (now--while there's still time....)

I'd like to be left alone, thankyouverymuch.

As much as I love the kiddo and her presence in my life means the world to me......nothingness appeals to me VERY much today.

I'd like the noise to go AWAY.
I'd like the pressure (real or imagined) to go away.
I'd like to sit, in my aloneness, to grieve what I don't GET to have today (gosh that sounds a lot like self pity.....) until the silence engulfs me.

I'd like to feel the non-weight of 'nothingness' pull me under and suffocate me until there's blackness and no more thoughts......
.....and fall through the other side into the light that'll warm me.
I know it's there.




I'd like to be left alone, thankyouverymuch.

(perhaps I should have just said "a brown sweater to go with those new slacks" and left it at that......)

Ready or not Fairy

So often we are afraid to take even a small new step, afraid of change.

We feel so alone in our uncertainty.

From our point of view, if often looks as though everybody's ready except us.

Perhaps another way to look at it is that, for most of our lives, readiness really wasn't much of an issue.

Were we ready to be born?

Were we ready to walk, to read, to sing?

Maybe we were; maybe not.

What's important is what we did, not what we were ready to do.

LIFE is mostly a matter of jumping in feet first shouting, "Here I come, ready or not!"

What am I going to do today, ready or not?

Sleeping with Bread

Rest.

People tell me rest will replenish me.

Stay away from the masses. Rest. Drink your liquid protein. Rest. Limit the amount of exposure to other's 'gunk'. Rest. Hydrate. Rest. Eat small amounts, multiple times a day. Rest. Do little bits.......let others do the rest. Rest.

And what's sustained me in the past week hasn't been the 'rest'........though that's been required and I've done more of that and less of 'work'......
It's been the abundance of love I've received.

No foolin'.......
I know I'm graced to have people in my life who actually give a damn ABOUT my life.
Yeah, yeah.....so they nag and lecture and growl and.....occasionally swear.

WPIML swore profusely, I might say.
I think it was the 'having not seen me for eons' deal.
The change is highly visible to him.
The girl tells me I've aged ten years in the last three months.
(that did NOT earn her points......lemme assure you)
I LOOK like I FEEL, apparently.....

And people give a damn about my life.....
About the physical aspects of it.
About the emotional aspects of it.
About the spiritual aspects of it.

This is why I surround myself with people who'll give me the truth.
Because I find myself smack-dab in the middle of it, unable to see it.
And I'm stubborn.
And I have this 'false sense of pride' that I equate with 'doing it myself'.
And I'm into self reliant and confusing that with being a 'strong person'. (again!)
And I'm not into surrendering to what it feels like and letting it look like it IS.

Yaknow--I might not always LIKE what they see, but at least I know I can rely on my sources of truth to tell me......no matter what. I can grumble and swear and flip 'em off (which I've been know to DO on occasion).....they're still gonna love me ENOUGH to tell me.

And that sustained me this week.
It wasn't just the 'calling it as I see it'.
It was the love that drove it all and the actions that came from it.

I'm really and truly well loved.

Do little bits........let others do the rest.

Yes.....I was reminded about how I suck at letting that happen.

And this week, I'll be focusing on the Rest while I let others DO the rest.

Cuz that's what the instructions are.



There's the holiday prezzie list, the baking, the prezzie shopping, the prezzie wrapping, the picking up of a bazillion gifts for the kiddos at work that'll need wrapped--the assembling of gift baskets for the neighbors, the gift delivering, the mailing of (yes, I'm sure they'll be late) packages, the buying of groceries for the baking that I won't be doing...the list goes on and on and on.....

And I'll be showing up for parts of the work day.
PARTS.

I have people in my way that'll make that happen. And they'll make the 'other' things happen.
Cuz......
They love me. And they give a damn about my life..... Enough to get in my way.

I rely on that.
I make arrangements for that.
And I'm graced to have people in my life who care more about my LIFE than they do about how much I 'huff and puff' and threaten to 'blow your house down'.

Thanks for that, Big Guy.
:-)

(now.......remind me MID-week that I'm grateful and glad for that, will ya? LOL)

*note to self*

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Poooooooooooooooor Santa.

*MUST locate 'crime scene' tape*

Amen fairy

We are never starting over.

We are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons.

We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them.

When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on.

We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful.

We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me.Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons.

Oybrothernotagain......

It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people.

It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us.

It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.