Dr. Seuss and Mel

I had a high need to remind myself of that little catch phrase by Dr. Seuss.

"BE who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."

Gotta love the good Doctor!

Trust in reverse

We can Trust Ourselves

For many of us, the real issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgment again.

Many of us have trusted people, who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them.
We may have found these people charming, kind, and decent.
There may have been a small voice that said, "No - something's wrong."
Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
The issue may then reverberate through our life for years.

Our trust in others may have been shaken, but it is our trust in ourselves that has been shattered worse.
How could something feel so right, flow so well, and be such a total mistake?
We may wonder--How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?
We may never have the answers.

Those past "mistakes" can help us to learn critical lessons which might not have otherwise been learned. We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves. We cannot afford to function with fear. If we are consistenly making the 'wrong' decision we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves. But we can and do improve. We learn. We grow from our mistakes.

Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve. Our decisions about how to handle situations with others improve.
We benefit from our mistakes.
We benefit from our past.
And if we have made mistakes, they've been necessary in order to learn along the way.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past. These fears only serve to impair my judgment today. I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all. I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.

********************
I found this reading today and shared it with several gals I had the privilege of working with.
For too long they've gone on about how they can't trust other people. SUCH a broken record.....
Truth is, they've learned to not trust themselves.
For a very long time I made it about other people not being trustWORTHY--far FAR easier to make other people responsible versus taking responsibility for honouring what I 'knew' and was too afraid to honour. Far to easy to ignore the lessons about what was good or not so good for Mel. Far too easy to not go looking and stay 'wounded', crying 'how can I trust anyone again?!'

Only one of them was ready for the message.
Four other ones shot the messenger....LOL

Good thing I don't take stuff personal, huh? ;-)

Bathroom bantering

It would seem that I can't walk into the bathroom without a new discovery on the penguin mirror. It started with a sassy comment from a polar bear and just escalated into a whole lotta banter that seems to change without notice--courtesy of himself, of course!

Yes, we decorate our bathroom--and not just the mirror.
We've got penguin lights draped over the lights and an ample supply of stuffed penguins all decked out for the holiday.

I'm betting someone makes penguin toilet paper! Wooooooooohoooooooo!!!!!!!

*going to search the internet*

I am not a socially gracious kinda person!

This week I get to show up for the 'Annual Dinner' where the agency doles out a report on the finances, the successes and the growth in the agency. What used to be a little bitty obscure place no one knew about has grown and diversified and merged and become this huge thing. I came into this agency some 16 years ago, on the heels of a growth spurt, helping design and run a program for adolescents with dual diagnoses--providing an alternative for treatment that wasn't previously available in the state. In our sixteen years, we've worked with some 1284 kiddos and their families. Yeah for us!

Earlier this year I was on a committee for an award that we were establishing in memory of my boss of-- gosh........years. Years and years. I worked with him when I started pursuing my career and then hooked up with him again when I landed here. Actually, it was his repeated phone calls to invite me to be a part of this adventure that brought me here. Designing the award was an honour--hard as that was......I miss the man and his passion for youths and their families and the grownups who work with them.

Thursday we'll be handing out the award for the first time. I know there'll be a presentation about Jim. I'll hope not to get too tearful.
I wasn't against attending when it was about the privilege of being present for the presentation of the award in Jim's name. I was ready to endure the fancy schmanciness of the affair.

And then my boss decided he needed to double check to make certain I would be in attendance. (sometimes I'm known for my anti-social tendencies) I did tell him it was my heart's desire to be there--BUT it was questionable as I had people nominated for the JLH award and because of staffing shortages, I might have to forego attending.
This is when I discovered that my attendance was required as I was a recipient myself---of some recognition award.
Oh. Then nevermind, I'm CERTAIN I'll be needed to work on the unit!

No, that didn't fly.......LOL

I'm pretty good at watching other folks stand up and get recognition they're due.
These next two weeks I'll apparently be getting to stand up for a couple things. I don't do it graciously. Fact is, I don't LIKE it.

I have a tough time standing at meetings to receive a medallion--I figure it's not my doing and it's my job to make certain people know I won't take the glory. Every year I wanna puke when it's time to go pick up that medallion. Nothing about it feels 'right'--other than folks need to see that it does WORK and you CAN have a different life. I'm clear none of the glory goes to little ol' mememe. Honestly, same holds true for whatever recognition they're going to hand me at this fancy schmancy party thingy I get to go to.

Wiseperson in my life helped me long ago, when I was picking up that first year medallion. "You stand up. You thank G-d. You thank the people around the tables. And then you shut the *%$# up and sit back down."
Sound advice.
I've followed that advice for years--it's survived the ages and it's invaluable advice....leastwise it is for ME.

*sigh*
Suppose they'll 'get it' at the agency dinner when I tell them the story of how that advice came to be?
Cuz I was one year sober and I didn't know sickem. Not about life, not about sobriety--not about doing right things for right motives......

And today I still don't know sickem--just what's been freely given to me again and again, from folks who've been desperate to help me find something different.

They get all the glory.

As do those folks in the trenches who day after day put themselves in the line of fire of angry kiddos, desperate to help THEM find something different.

Yep, I 'll thank G-d, I'll thank the people around the tables and I'll shut the *#$% up and sit back down.

Tail chasing 101

NOT that I need lessons in how to chase my own tail. I seem to have that down pat.

I'm an over-doer. Given that it's been eight weeks since surgery, I figure I oughta be well mended by now. Moving furniture by shoving it with your knees MUST be acceptable, dontchaknow! Yeah well, I was talking with the girl when the Brit came to see who was on the phone--and I caught it in both ears...her telling me to QUIT it, him lecturing me about not having permission to be moving couches! Hey--we needed space to put up the tree and dangit, I was going to make it happen. And then there's work that's just nuts....not enough bodies and too much stuff happening in the lives of employees AND children. Too many hours needing to be filled and not enough bodies to fill the vacancies! I just got done with almost five weeks of 'time off'--if you can call recovery from surgery 'time off'.....people pulled a whole lot of hours to make sure I got what I needed, I'm JUST returning the favor? Did I mention I can't find my couch from the decorations/lights/paper/cards and arsty craftsy stuff covering it? Yeah, well......I can't seemingly do a whole lot of anything in moderation. We're talking LOTS of STUFF!

And did I move the bed in the guestroom so there would be more room for wrapping and separating gifts I've accumulated during the year? Ummmm....yes, I did.

Gosh, I love 'busy'.
Oh....and I need to get stuff baked for the holidays, ornaments done and general 'stuff' accomplished.
WHEN--I don't have a clue. LOL
I'm too busy chasing my tail to have time to actually accomplish anything, thanksverymuch!

Good news though! I won't be picking up my medallion early (which was the plan--get it when I give a pigeon her 15 year chip). Fact is, I won't be getting the privilege of handing OUT the chip--I'll be working that day.
Thinking that leaves me a few options of where to get that medallion--all of which are dangerous..LOL....meaning wiseperson in my life will probably be making arrangements to be there to hand it to me.
Ackkk....gimme my own tail to chase... I'd rather be doing that than coming up with something to say when I get handed that chip.... Oy........

I know these things to be true

The closer it gets the more secretive I become.
The weirder my thinking....
....the less inclined I am to let people walk through 'stuff' with me....
....the more intolerant of others I become.......
....the more critical I become with me.

The closer it comes, the less I like it--the less I like the places I've been and the places I am.
"....restless, irritable and discontent...."
That works.

For my own reference--

". . . as awareness increases, the need for personal secrecy almost proportionately decreases...."--Charlotte Painter

We hang onto secrets when we're unsure of ourselves and the role we're asked to play--secrets about our inner thoughts, our dreams and aspirations, our feared inadequacies.

Because we strive for perfection, assume it's achievable, and settle for no less in all our activities, we are haunted by our secret fears of not measuring up. The more committed we become to living a different way of life, the greater is our understanding of the fallacy of this way of thinking.

And as our awareness increases, the more accepting we become of our human frailty, and the less need we have to cover it up. Our mental health is measurable by the openness we offer to the world. Secrets belie good health and heighten the barriers to it.

The program's Fourth and Fifth Steps are the antidotes to being stuck in an unhealthy state of mind. They push us to let go of our secrets, freeing us from the power they wield. Practicing the principles of the program offers the remedy we need for the happiness we deserve.

I will share a secret today and be free of its power over my life.



What secrets am I walking around carrying all by my little lonesome cuz I'm convinced that saying what's true is some measure of my worthiness SOMEhow, SOMEwhere with SOMEone?

*chuckling*

Can I call it, or what?! LOL














And with gifts like this, how could I NOT love him and his trains?
Yup--if some is good.......... LOLOL

If some is good..........

We STARTED small.
I mean it was all of a corner in the basement, tucked away from the world, safe and sound so it would be available, but not some nightmare that would require more than we could give. Looking pretty good, even if I do say so myself.

His office has been redone--the bathroom/showerroom all redone.....
What's left is this HUGE space for what we planned for our little 'leisure' area.

I've got those walls all painted....the AWFUL carpet that covered the floor has been ripped up and the floor's treated and all ready to be covered. Next on the agenda is the ceiling and new lighting which we've FINALLY chosen and got ordered. We've opted to do the work ourselves so it's all 'ours'--a place we can be comfy with and just 'be' while watching the trains go 'round and 'round.....

And then came the brilliant idea:

If some is good---MORE is better!

From a small corner to 'against the wall' the whole length of the basement, around the corner (half the width of the basement), BACK up that same length of basement, AROUND the corner and down that initial small covey that we began with.

Cuz if SOME is good---MORE is better! *chuckling*

I gotta say, it's been the source of a whole lot of enjoyment so far. He's been like some kid--plotting and planning and sneaking home boxcars cuz he's 'allowed' one a week ya know! (one CAN be one SET of four, btw--as if I'd say 'NO' to his joys! LOL)

Cuz if SOME is good---MORE is better.

We've got the track in, the board for the scenery just about put up the whole length of the layout.....Looking darn good!

'Cept apparently I made a fatal error.
I let himself work on the layout withOUT my company cuz I was getting some quilting time in while I had visitors last evening.

And when I went down to start laundry tonight--and bygolly--look at that!

That track has been extended 1/4 the way down the length of the adjacent wall---backboard for scenery added and track laid!
AND it's got a few boxcars on it (fourty seven...LOL....I counted). He's got himself a nice little 'yard' put in for all those nifty boxcars to sit.

WOW can he work fast when he wants to. LOL

Obviously, if SOME is good---MORE is better!
I'm kinda excited--it looks AWESOME!

*chuckling*
Bet he comes home with a boxcar or four (cuz a SET of four IS counted as 'one' you know).
Now, if I KNEW how to turn the darn train on and make it GO.......

So I had my "performance evaluation" today..........

It's only been three years since the last one....LOL Not that I'm feeling in dire need to have some formalized evaluation from my boss. We meet regularly and he's grown fond enough of me to be pretty candid about how I do my job--for the good and for the 'need to progress in' areas alike.

What wasn't so nice--was the 'opportunity' that'll be placed in front of me in the next three months.

(And I knew this was coming.....)

ONE MORE TIME they're wanting to move me up some invisible ladder to work in an area that I'm not sure that I want to work in.
"I'm giving you three months warning--I know how you hate surprises. I need you to do this."

It's no real surprise. Sometimes you can sense what's coming, you can see the progression happening.
My two lead people have told me they could see it coming--and this was prior to formally being told 'IT'S coming!'.
I'm already doing more 'administrative' stuff than I wanna be.
I'm quick at getting it done, mind you--getting it done means I have more time to play with the kiddos and families. Dunno how much squiggle room I'll get or be able to create so I can DO what it is that I so love to do......dunno that it's mine TO do anymore.

A part of me is sad beyond sad. This isn't where I intended to land.
A part of me is curious.......cuz every place I've landed I had no intention landing IN. And I do trust there's a greater plan in this somewhere.

It's not the financial stuff attached to the different responsibilities.
It's not 'prestige'.
It's not some false sense of importance or 'value' or status or any of that crud that, onceuponatime, might have played into all this.
I hung my hat up on one position some time ago--cuz it took me away from where I wanted to be. And here I be again.......gotta be some reason I keep ending up HERE, don'tcha think?

The Brit gets that I'm missioned driven. We even had some conversation about what it was that I was being asked to wrap my head around.
I didn't like the facts being put out there to me--but there's truth in there.
I ain't as young as I used to be.
Dealing with the physical aspects of the position I'm currently trying to return to may just be too much. (oh yes, I let him live.......LOL)
Perhaps it's time to move over and simply be the teacher.......the leader.

I lead best and teach best by DOING.
Dunno that I'd be AS effective if I didn't get to do that.
Dunno that I could rest knowing I was doing less than I was capable OF doing.
Dunno that I WANNA do their stupid job of being an administrator and playing NICE with people impersonating grownups.

*sigh*
I know.......pause, buy time, pray........
And pray.

AND pray.

As if the squirrels weren't doing a BIG enough number on my head.

Yeah, yeah........pray...........

.....arrrrggggghhhhhhh........

Okay.

I'm a little poofy at the moment.
AND a bit medicated on muscle relaxers--and pain medications.

I decided if eight hours was doable, so was 12.
Okay, so I wanted to get time with the kiddos. I've missed being a part of their lives. Having a family event on the unit this past Sunday just made me miss them more. Hearing from parents how their kiddo's missed talking with me and having me helping them solidified it for me.
So, if eight is doable, so is 12, right?

Wrong.
First there was the 'pop'. Then there was the intense pain that sucked the air out of me followed closely by the cold face, followed by a staff member asking me if I was okay and if it was ME they'd heard 'pop' from some ten feet away, quickly followed by a kiddo who asked if I was going to pass out.

And then they rang the Brit and asked him to come retrieve me.....he who left in enough of a rush that he left the house door open. When I'm conceding and letting myself be driven home (we're talking all of eight blocks, here) without a whole lotta fuss and todo--that's probably a sign that I wasn't feeling up to par.
*sigh*
This wasn't exactly what I'd planned for the end of a 12 hour day.
And I only 'made' ten of the 12 hours.

I can not be happy about this....
I can take pills, soak in the tub and whine.

I'm thinking helping the kiddo with geography homework from a low chair for an extended period of time was a bad, bad, BAD plan!
Okay....I can not be happy about this one.....

And I'm NOT happy.
I THOUGHT the objective for the surgery was to make things BETTER.....
*grumbling*

Note to self:
NO LOW CHAIRS-----EVER!

The squirrels are loose, the squirrels are loose!!

Yep, it's almost like it's 'tradition' and I program myself to GET this way.
Folks around me assure me it's 'normal' and it happens to a whole lot of us.
It's like the anniversary of a loved one--while it gets less, it remains....and there are some of us who are ever conscious about what the day is, what loss we've experienced, what we don't have today, what we had that's now gone.

So the squirrels are loose.
That anniversary is creeping up and I didn't recognize that--but it got mentioned to me by himself this morning.
He let me know I was a in 'a bit of a mood' and assured me that he knew that my anniversary was around the corner and perhaps it would be good to spend some time with kindred souls.

Hmmmm....so he's telling me I'm moody and to go away.
Well, not exactly GO AWAY--he's telling me to go away and FIX it, cuz I'm no fun to live with at the moment.
Probably bigger than 'this moment' if he's calling it to my attention--cuz my moods can flop all over the place in a matter of a few seconds.
So what he's REALLY saying is he doesn't WANT to be around me and I should go to Bolivia.
*nodding*

*sigh*
Okay, the squirrels are loose, the squirrels are loose!!!! LOL
And ya know--historically it's been true. 30 days before and thirty days after my sobriety date, I'm reeling for some reason.
And I don't haffta know the reason, I just haffta know it's true and DO something with it.

Apparently the answer is to go away...TO Bolivia.
*chasing squirrels*
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I've got plans to visit with wiseperson---but I'm NOW thinkin' I'll cancel those and mess with everyone instead....LOLOLOL More proof of just how oppositional I can be, dangit. Don't tell ME I oughta be checking in with wiseperson! Hmmmph!

C'mere little squirrel....I have peanuts for you................

:-D

Yep, I'm gonna love that squirrel and hug that squirrel and call him George! LOLOL

...where life is easy.......

First of all, Iowa is NOT flat.
I just wanna go on record--the Brit tells me the typical reaction, when he was telling people about the love of his life being in Iowa, was a) they responded with "Iowa--right---they grow potatoes there" and b)"It's flat there." No, we're not flat and IDAHO has the potatoes. ;-)

That being said, I am from Iowa and I rather like it here. Not that I don't enjoy other places--but Iowa has been and remains 'home' for me.
The snapshot of the barn is from a little spot on a county road where you can see for miles. It's gorgeous in the fall--if you're lucky enough to feel good enough to travel at that time. It's still gorgeous any time. There's something about that suede look of the country side after the crops are in. We know winter is coming--we know summer has passed.....it's a kind of warm feeling, a kind of completedness that happens when the crops are pulled and the land is awaiting it's rest. Dunno why, it just is. I love that feel.......















And as long as I'm providing a clue of what Iowa isn't--lemme assure you of what it is. This is the wall of an obscure, outta the way, busy and constantly PACKED smalltown eatery. The whole room is filled with antiques--floor to ceiling. If you sat for hours, you'd still not take in 1/8th of what the place contained. The tables themselves are antiques, the ceiling houses baskets, utensils, old signs--it's a wondrous old style place to park yourself. And boy, do people find this place. And it's not from the world's best advertising. Fact is, if you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd drive right past the place and miss it entirely. The photo does NO justice to the whole of the place. And the folks there -- they're not going to leave you wanting for anything. It's a wonderful place--folks still play checkers at the tables there.....

I asked the Brit what it is that he likes about being here--what makes it 'home' for him now, when clearly England was his 'home' for a whole LOT of years.

He tells me it's because this is where *I* am and this is where life is somehow 'easy'.
Now, I can't say that's all me--LORD knows I'm a rather complex, simple kinda gal. LOL But it's nice to know that I've somehow been a part of uncomplicating the simple for himself.
I credit it to the lifestyle.
He credits it to me.
I can't take the glory.....darnit....
But I do know life is somehow 'easy' today.
And we like it that way.....

More to munch on---

"Love is what we are born with.
Fear is what we learn.
The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.
Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth.
To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.
Meaning does not lie in things.
Meaning lies in us."

"A tulip doesn’t strive to impress anyone. It doesn’t struggle to be different than a rose. It doesn’t have to. It is different. And there’s room in the garden for every flower. You didn’t have to struggle to make your face different than anyone else’s on earth. It just is. You are unique because you were created that way. Look at little children in kindergarten. They’re all different without trying to be. As long as they’re unselfconsciously being themselves, they can’t help but shine. It’s only later, when children are taught to compete, to strive to be better than others, that their natural light becomes distorted."

Add these to this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, `Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make and to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. "

*munch munch munch munch munch*

As one who ABHORS Elevators--Note to self:

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

01. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

02. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

03. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

04. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

05. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

06. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

07. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

08. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

09. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

Team day out?

This is close to my energy level during the course of a day.
Small wonder people are prone to trying to get me to slow it down to let the rest of the world catch up. And I'm 'suppose' to be 'part time, limited' at the worksite. Generally I put in 13 hour days at least twice a week. Those are my 'manipulate the position of being the boss to actually DO what you wanna do' days. I get the kiddos all day, their families and them at night AND I get to tuck them in bed for the evening. Now THAT is my idea of a good day--cuz it's a productive, interactive kinda day. And it's far removed from any kind of paperwork--unless it's the kind that I'm generating.

Okay, so I have a bit of a control problem still going on..LOL

And today was a fun day--despite the fact that it was 'team day' and jam packed with meeting after meeting after meeting. They're all 'internal' meetings and talking directly about the kiddos and families we serve. NO red tape--just treatment dealings. MY kinda meeting--no pretenses and everyone on the same page kinda stuff!

I'm plotting and planning with my two 'partners in crime'. We're having a 'shop til ya drop' day on ME. Yep, I'm sending the staff outta there for a day shopping--or at least a good six hours. I like the idea--and my boss is gonna like it too...LOL He just doesn't KNOW that he's going to like it yet.

Folks have done an upstanding job of holding down the fort--especially when I was out of commission for those four and a half weeks. Shop therapy, a day 'on the house' to do it in, the company of coworkers--yep, sounds like a plan to me!

My 'partners' are relatively certain it would be a grand idea--but they suggested I 'slow down' a bit. I'm thinking it was my idea to send them for the day AND treat them all to lunch out AND hand over a few gift cards to some of the folks who went to great efforts to keep things running smooth that got them wanting to put the brakes on.

*shrugs*
I'll wait for them to catch up....LOL Slowing down doesn't sound like much fun to me!

I don't wanna grow up....

This morning, as every morning for the past six days, I've committed to BE the adult that I am.

I didn't even last five minutes once the Brit awakened--heck, he wasn't even AWAKE when the goal was shot.

"Wakey, wakey! Time to get up. Getupgetupgetup...." followed by a flop on the bed and a "I'm lonelllllllly.....getupgetupgetup!" Yep, the goal was SHOT before himself even awakened.

See, I spend all day long being the grownup. I get to teach the adults who work with the kiddos.....and I get to teach the kiddos. I get to relate professionally with workers and probation officers and judges and attorneys, senators, law enforcement, school officials, doctors and the list goes on and on. Most days I'm more adultlike than childlike in the workworld. My adult just doesn't LOOK like other people's adult. *chuckling* I play no matter where I am or who I'm with. I've been known to use 'bad judgement' on when to play (according to some--)and I've been known as a 'charismatic breath of fresh air' (according to others).

I just figure I'm weird and I need to grow up...LOL

Hence the pledge that I'll aspire to BE a grownup in the home. I figured himself has to tire of a wife who's chronically 'playing' and pouting and demanding attention by doing the strangest, juvenile-ish things. (Himself tells me I give myself too much credit--we're not even close to 'juvenile'...LOL)

So since I've concluded this 'childish' woman isn't what he thought he was picking up--I figured I best snap to acting the grown up! I mean, good grief, HE'S now doing A/B/C food as a direct result of being around childish little ol' me...LOL His mother would faint if she saw him showing the alreadybeenchewed food at the dinner table!

I've corrupted him. More reason to BE that grownup in the home.

No fooling--I didn't last five minutes ANY of those six days I set the goal.

When I told the Brit about 'six days of failed goals to be a grownup in the home'--he laughed and assured me that it really wasn't necessary. He loves me as is and wouldn't have it any other way.

Ohhhhhhhh......yes he would...LOL

And he'll know this when it's time for nite-nite.

Cuz I'll flip flop all around the bed, whine about how I'm not READY to go nite-nite, prattle on and on about nothing in particular, ask repeatedly if he's asleep whilest patting his face, pull the covers over my head multiple times, fluff his pillow while his heads on it, sit up to announce I'm checking for the 'anti-monster light' in the hallway and sing a happy tune or two.

THEN he'll rethink his position!

*chuckling*

Maybe I oughta set a smaller goal and shoot for lasting five minutes, period! LOL

Dunce Day!

"....the dunce cap comes from a 13th-century philosopher named John Duns Scotus, who, not surpisingly, was born in Duns, Scotland."

"This well-respected but terribly oblique scholar felt that conical hats actually increased learning potential. Here's the theory -- knowledge is centralized at the apex and then funneled down into the mind of the wearer."

"Scotus was widely praised in his day, but eventually fell out of intellectual favor. His "duns cap" was a pretty obvious target of derision and came to symbolize stupidity."

So welcome to Dunce Day! I have to share that I celebrated.
See, Tuesday is an administrative meeting kinda day. I meet with the veteran psychologist at ten and by eleven I'm on the road so I arrive by twelve-thirty for my administrative meeting. And no, it's not exactly treasured time! Give me the seasoned psychologist with the fancy letters behind his name--pretty well known child psychologist who continues to work with us past his official retirement simply because he a) loves working with children and b) he openly states that he comes to the unit for the fun the grownups have with him. And someone's going to have to explain why I pay HIM when we're his source of entertainment...LOL

And then there's that 12:30 meeting.
Honestly, I'm sure they're good folks--we're simply interested in different things. There are three familiar faces, people who've been there for multiples of years, who are invested in the agency and are mission driven people. And then there are the rest....newer folks who readily raise hands for projects that will put them in the center of the CEO's attention, who state they're interested in learning all they can because their aspirations are to become 'bigger' and 'better'.

It's not my aspiration to become 'bigger' or 'better' at doing anything except what it is that I'm already doing.
Fact is, I didn't ask for this position when it was handed to me.
Heck, never once have I WANTED to progress up some career ladder. With every move comes less time doing what it is that I'm committed to doing. I spend more time manipulating to GET more of that time than I do caring about who has what position and what project they're involved in.
Nice people, I'm sure--different mission driven lives.
And I admit I get irritated with the game playing that becomes involved. It's just plain silly.

Yeah, well--in a nutshell, that's the 12:30 meeting. I managed to 'excuse' myself from attending for a good chunk of time(1 1/2 years).....until the boss came to me one day and told me "I NEED you in that meeting....." That's when I surrendered and started to show up.

And I showed up today with my Dunce/Duns Cap.
Yep, my red cone was on my head with the word "Duns" written on it.
I assured them it was to channel my apex and enhance my supreme intellect.
I'm thinkin' some of those folks could use a lesson or two in how to "play"....LOL And not one of them knew it was Dunce Day!

And they think they're so dang smart!
It was a hit with a several folks. The boss asked for the groups forgiveness. The CEO, Anne, asked to borrow it and slapped it on her own head cuz apparently she needed HER apex channeled--this after I challenged her idea which sounded good in theory but in practice was simply not doable....but I offered a more workable solution which she bought and endorsed....so that was good! I did notice the boss looked a bit green whilest I was dickering with Anne....*shrugs*

The BESTEST news is--- I don't have to be IN the work group to start the project...LOL Some aspiring wanna-be volunteered so I don't HAVE to lose time with the kiddos and families and staff that I work with!! Woooohooooo!!!!
And I did get my Duns Cap back from Anne.

The boss did ask me to remind him WHY I suddenly was attending the Administrative Meetings after near a year of refusing to participate?? "Because you said you NEEDED me at the meeting, 'member?"

"Vaguely.....was I having delusions when I said that?"

I just nodded.
Sometimes it's better to take your Duns Cap and exit before someone else wants to don it and channel their intelligence.
He's a BIG fella!
At six foot ten, he could seriously hurt me! LOL

Food for thought.......

So I ran across this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, `Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make and to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. "

My brain is munching on it.....

*munch munch munch*

Sharks and spiders with mittens.....

The girl had lunch with THE mom this week. Of course, THE mom was thrilled she had the company and an excuse to fix a four course meal. Yep, four courses--*shaking head*. Couldn't just feed her ANYthing, you know.

She's on her way back--and now she's talking about California versus England. Seems the company is opening up an office in near LA and she's been asked to take a management position, at least for a chunk of time. She'd be near her aunt, available for ocean sailing and hassle free from Visa problems until she transfers in the new position to one of the offices in England.

California is nice. Closer. Near the aunt who'd be thrilled to have her.

She assures me it's a just a short chunk of her time--and that the plans are for her to take a position in the office in England.

I simply celebrate that LA's not had bombs going off in their subway as of late.

She's got that sailing bug going on--
They have sharks over there.

Oh great......here we go AGAIN! LOL

In the meantime, it's been a week process, but the Halloween 'stuff' is at rest for another year.
This despite my suggestion to get 'Studley' four pairs of mittens and a scarf and call him our Holiday Spider.
I've packed him in the top of the last box for easy access.
He IS purple and I'm thinking that I could still get that accomplished!
I did suggest tailfeathers and an axe for Thanksgiving--and got a rousing 'NO! NO! N-O, NO!'

*shrugs*
It's early yet.
This too could change!

Page 53, again....

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depdend upon them far too much. If we lean to heavily on people, they sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecuirty grows and festers. When we habitually try to maipulate other to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any of of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."


Doesn't that just say it all?

I tried desperately to be a part of the life going on around me with that total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. I was chronically trying to get to the top of the heap, or hide underneath it. I didn't have a clue that loving other's was so dang easy. I was convinced it was an unobtainable thing, some fairy tale hype that certainly was yet to be seen AND experienced in my lifetime. The fact was that I had no clue how to 'do' any type relationship and I spent a whole lot of time arguing and justifying an attitude of "I hate PEOPLE". I was chronically getting in my own way when it come to having a relationship with ANYone/anyTHING. Getting out of my own way was a huge part of learning how backasswards I had everything, especially interpersonally with others.

Ya know---that had to be one of THE toughest feats in this lifetime for me, to date..

I had every rationalization not to trust in relationships, and truth be told, the other people (intimate relationship or not) had every justification to distrust ME and MY motives.

And when it came to 'intimate relationships'--I didn't start out on the bottom of the heap, but I sure landed there through erosion and desperation, compromising darn near everything to get some false feeling of control, some false sense of security in the lie 'if I just do A., B. or C. THEN they'll love me'. Intimate relationships tended to be THE one relationship I 'compromised' in over and over again--outside of those intimate relationships, I was busy manipulating and making sure I was getting MINE and MORE. I well and truly SUCKED at any type of relationship.... With others, with G-d and with myself.

And today?

Well, heck....I think I'm glad to say I'm a part OF the heap..LOL

Just another of G-d's kiddos doing the best she can to practice 'right living' in every relationship that I have.

And today, against every 'odds' there WAS---convinced that my marriage to G-d was THE best thing in my life and all I needed or wanted, seeing absolutely NO need whatsoever to have an intimate relationship with anyone--the gal voted the most likely to remain single by every breathing entity around me (including the dog, mind you..LOL) is happily sharing a life with a fella that I did absolutely NADA to 'deserve'.

G-d does work in mysterious ways..LOL

It serves me well to remember--on days when I want to resort to that old line of "I hate PEOPLE"--where it is I am in the scope of things...which end of the spectrum--bottom of the pile thinking or top of the heap scrambling? Either place is a statement of what I believe about ME, moreso than what's true of 'people'.
For this gal, it's a flashing neon sign about where I'm getting my worth and value from......

Serves me well to show up, especially when I 'don't feel like it', to a place where folks don't have a problem flopping a book open and shoving it in front of me and saying "Read page 53 lately?"

LOL So the initial thought is "MORE proof why hating people IS an option!"--but that 'stop sign' between my brain and my mouth DOES work on occasion (thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!) and I know well how to ACT AS IF I'm humbled even when I wanna shove that book where the sun don't shine.

I know what page 53 says, thanksverymuch.

See above.

And remember what it was like, Mel.

Cuz you HAD that.

And when you're scrambling for the top of the heap remember that it says more about YOU than the world around you.

This is why there's a sticky note on the mirror that reads:

"You are looking at the problem."