Ringing in the New Year

Notoriously, the Eve has always been a sombering time for me. I have glimpses of the past, prior to the New Years Eve that changed my life--but I have to wonder if those aren't borrowed memories.
Last year? Ya know, I can't remember what we did.

But I remember vividly the Eve that the hospital rang --and the look on my father's face as he rushed from the house because my mother had 'taken a turn for the worse'. I remember well how I'd spent the day begging to walk to the hospital to see my mother and how my father had refused to let his two youngest daughters go out in the bitter cold. I remember how dark it was when he rushed out....how late in the evening it was.....how I was suppose to be asleep while the 'big kids' got to stay up and usher in the New Year.
I remember praying over and over again--an unselfish prayer because I'd heard the hushed conversations of family who mysteriously and suddenly appeared. I sat on the stairs and heard their whispers about how she'd stopped breathing for an extended period of time and if she did live what quality of life she'd have....

Dear G-d, please let my mom live to see the new year come.
Over and over I prayed--even when they carried me off to bed.

Dear G-d, please let my mom live to see the new year come.


I didn't ask He not take her.
I didn't ask for more than that bit of time to hear the bells ring in the New Year.
I wanted her to hear the bells.

Unanswered prayers........We buried her on January 2nd--the frozen ground made it impossible to do it on January 1st.

And thus began my longstanding resentment with G-d.



(((((((((((((((((((((((( G-d ))))))))))))))))))))))))
We've come a longgggggggggg way, baby.

But it's still the Eve.
And I can still be envious of those with moms in their lives......while being eternally grateful that I get to BE a mom today.

It's the Eve of the New Year.
They do ring the bells here in this small town.
And I do hear them......

Nope--I don't remember what I did last New Years Eve.



Ahhhhhhhh.........But I DO remember hearing the bells...........

A Great Miracle Happened There

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, shehecheyanu, v'kiyemanu, vehigi-anu laz'man hazeh.

"Praised are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who has kept us in life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this season."

Holiday Greetings!!

From the girl (on Manhatten Beach) to me.

Who coulda asked for a more splendid Holiday greeting?!!
:-)

Oh there's no place like home for the holidays...

It's really, really close. And it's really, really cold and wintery. I guess that's appropriate seeings how it's winter, huh?

Plans for the holiday include the girl coming home.....when, we're not certain. The boy will be remaining with his dad and they'll be making a journey to the grandparents across the state. The girl tells me she won't join them. In part, I'm sure that's from some of the hard feelings between herself and the dad. She gets to choose. She manages to stay two steps ahead of the crud that's happening. I think she's developed a good sense of 'this I don't HAFFTA do' and she's making the best choice for her.

Third holiday without the boy home--which is different but the same. I wish I had some magical way of wrapping my head around what's good and different for the child/man. This year he's not in jail and he professes to be doing some things differently...well, except for driving a car without a license and getting ticketed and having that outstanding $1000 fine in order TO drive legally. Nevermind that he went to visit the girl and drove anyway. Nevermind he told me it was parked and would be until he cleared up the fine. Nevermind he thought the girl wouldn't tell me anything about driving, about continuing to drink because drugs are his problem.....nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.....*sigh* Been there, done that--it took what it took to get me to where I am today.

Sometimes I think the answer is to accept things at face value and 'play nice' regardless of what I know from other sources. It would mean getting to see the boy, being included in parts of his life--cuz if something happens to him, what regrets will I have. Other times I'm very centered in where the lines are and why they're not compromised. I can't endorse B.S. WON'T endorse B.S. WON'T pretend.
Today--I don't know where I'm at.
Holidays do strange things to people--and I'm not exempt.

So I pray for the kiddo and celebrate what IS, right where my feet are.
But I miss him.
I don't miss those parts of his insanity that interfered with my ability to be sane/safe. But I do miss the child.

There's a 'home for the holiday' kinda atmosphere that presents itself with the holiday.....it's just a part of the season.
The tugs on my heart aren't enough to lead me to compromise my safety and my sanity.
But they're enough to get me tearful.
As one who IS home every night, who has no 'home' to go to, no parents to gather TO.....who knows 'this is IT'.....
Those tugs to the heart get scrambled in the brain and leave me sadly dreaming for different.......

More SNOW, please!!

Yes thanks, we'd LIKE more snow! Okay, so we have a few inches out there. What's a few more!

No kidding....we have more snow so far this December than we had the whole of last winter. I'm reminded of the winters growing up. THIS is what Iowa is like. The past few years we've had smatterings of snow. FINALLY we get 'real' snow--six to eight inches at a shot. There's a REASON to cancel school, finally! LOL Yeah, yeah....uphill IN the snow, without shoes--I heard that one a gazillion times.

In the meanwhile, tonight was the night we decided to drive around town to look at the holiday lights. Yeah, yeah--we're old folks, we like doing that sorta stuff.
I was sadly disappointed. Honestly, our block has more lights than the rest of the blocks we drove past. What happened!?! Could be the cold/snowy weather caught folks by surprise--could be lack of holiday spirit around here. Dunno.

I do know we're well lit! And I know it may be March before they all come down cuz they're buried in that 17 inches of snow out there!
Wheeeeeeee and yippee!
MORE!!! MORE!!!

There's a difference--

So when I'm down to bare minimum of adults working with the kiddos and we're all pulling extra shifts and I ask for help--HELP ME!
It's darn rare that I ask for help....

And sitting silent while people are pouring over the schedule book to make the holidays work, volunteering 'zilch' and pulling me aside later to profess how 'bad' you feel cuz everyone BUT you is working the holiday....doesn't cut it.

That's really NICE to hear--after 16 years of working with someone who's never worked any holiday it's FINALLY nice to know they 'feel bad' that everyone else is scrambling to make things work.

Only--don't tell me you 'feel bad' and do nothing with it. It merely looks like you're wanting to be exhonorated for doing the selfish thing onceagain......

"Yes, your honour, I feel BAD that my dad's crying at night, worrying about my sorry little ass---thanks for pointing that out to me. There's a really GOOD party happening tonight--wanna come along and get stoned outta your gourd?"
Gee--that just doesn't work....

Makes ya wonder just why that one's 'hallowed ground' and I don't get to touch her, huh?
Cuz if I could, I'd whap her a good one, put her name on the schedule and tell her to have a happy holiday HERE instead of with her 'family' for a week cuz HERE is where we need her.

*grumbling*
There IS a grave difference between feeling bad and doing something with it.

And yep, I'm grumbling still.

Thirty years ago----

Thirty years ago, near the ten o'clock mark, I walked out of a courtroom with a cranky old fart in bib overalls following me.I was hotter than he**!

I'd completed my 30 days of drug and alcohol treatment for the fifth time--(okay, so that thirty days turned into 123 days cuz I was being stubborn and knew the right things to SAY...but lacked the follow through to convince me and the world that I really DID mean it THIS TIME, that I was going to stay clean and sober.....) I'd done my 'time' in treatment and I deserved an opportunity to DO it on my own, thankyouverymuch!

The Judge didn't think so--given my history of failed attempts--and he'd 'assigned' this old fart TO me...it was going to be a case of 'where I went, HE went'---or more likely 'where HE went I was gonna haffta go'. My only reprieve from having him present was gonna be work and sleep!

I wasn't happy.Okay.....I was BEYOND unhappy--I was livid.Livid enough to turn on my heels and loudly pronounce that I didn't NEED some old fart in bib overalls babysitting me, watching my every move and telling me what I could and couldn't do! I did NOT need to be on 'house arrest' and I did NOT need some idiot holding my hand and making sure I got to meetings--blah blah blah, add infinite, add nauseaum....

Darned if that crusty, cranky old fart ignored my intellectual (albeit LOUD) spiel and took that Book they give you in treatment to write in it--all calmlike too.....NOT responding to anything I was saying, NOT listening....sheeeshh

I, of course---in ALL my infinite wisdom-- kept sputtering on and on....apparently loud enough for the Judge IN the courtroom to send the bailiff out to make sure everyone was 'safe'.My arguement got louder when he handed me back that book and I looked at what he'd written.

"godisnowhere"
"John 555-1212"

Not only did I have a BABYSITTER---- I had a HEATHEN babysitter! And the arguing continued with me beyond BEYOND livid. HELLO?!!!! GOD IS NOWHERE?!?! Good greif....I do NOT need a HEATHEN BABYSITTER!!!!!! Go away old man--you're BOTHERING ME!!!!I had the bailiff sweating and I'd drawn a whole LOT of attention of the folks who were patiently waiting to have their moment in front of the Judge....that'll happen when you have your meltdown in front of the courtroom doorway.....

Gotta tell ya, I was more than mildly irritated when that crusty old fart took that Book, drew made some marks and handed that Book back to me.

I did turn red, I'm told, when I re-read his entry:

"god/is/now/here"
"John 555-1212"

I remember well his first words to me "There's more than one way to look at things, kid.....now shut up and get in the ****ing car."
Amazingly, I shut up and got in the ****ing car.

30 years ago today I started a relationship with that first wiseperson in my life.And today, I'm clean and sober because of it.

I'm thankful for the Judge who refused to buy my B.S. anymore and quit giving me 'chances'.
I'm grateful for my father's words "Sounds like you have a problem" and for his painfilled willingness to FINALLY hang up that phone on me when I rang him from jail that last time.
I'm eternally grateful for the folks around the tables of A.A. and N.A. for being there--for caring more about my LIFE than about my little fragile feelings.
And I'm grateful for every single day G-d's placed another human being in my path to remind me of what's IMPORTANT today.

Because of all those things, because I've been so graced, I have this LIFE that I never, EVER--in my wildest dreams--DARED to dream that I could have.

Thank you, G-d.

YOUR plans were much better than mine.
And thanks to all of you--who keep loving me through the moments and reminding me of what's important today.

In humbled gratitude,
Mel

What a hectic Sunday!

Yep, it's been a busy one! Two double batches of chex mix, two batches of almond bark covered pretzels (decorated, no less) and one batch of seasoned snack crackers down! Only one more batch of those pretzel's to go!

Cards are done.
A gazillion gifts wrapped and boxed, all ready to mail out come Monday. Silly household stuff is done as well--laundry, dinner, picking up after myself...LOL

This amidst too many phone calls and folks worried about 'us'.

That's the work 'us'.

See, on the way home from the doings last evening I got a call from my boss' boss. She wanted to tell me personally.
My boss is in ICU following a heart attack which he gratefully had in the hospital. They've put a couple stents in and they're talking about some damage being done to the heart.

I lost my last boss to a heart attack three years ago.
I do NOT wanna lose this one, too.
He's a really GOOD man--he walked through some really tough moments with me once-upon-a-time.
It's been hard to sit here and do 'nothing'--which is what they asked me to do for today, simply cuz there's lots of people and not much to do at the moment. It's all about medical care and staying out of people's way so they can do their 'jobs'. Tomorrow it'll be 'okay' to visit him says the wife.

But there's been a whole lot of phone conversations and people worried about him, asking what they can do for him and the family... and asking a whole lot about what that means for 'us'. I think there's that same fear for them that I had when I was told....

Hectic isn't a strong enough word for this Sunday.
But I'm feeling grateful that he'll recover--even if that will be a bit of a haul.

The Secret Keeper

The Brit's always been upfront with me--he states quite clearly that he's horrible at keeping secrets. This has proven itself to be true on a number of occasions. He'll get so excited he'll tell me what the gift is that's wrapped under the tree. He's just the excitable kind, I guess. LOL

But he pulled THIS one off.
He got my employee to find someone to cover hours I was suppose to be working this evening.
He DUG through all sorts of address books to find the phone number for one outta state wiseperson in my life, and located the second number for the OTHER wiseperson in my life. Both got called and invited to the dinner--one came 7 hours with his wife (she's a great little AlAnon....LOL) for the occasion....the other has a not well wife and wasn't able to attend.
Himself arranged this all with the help of a pigeon who's heading out for Boston tomorrow--so it was arranged very strategically and very, very quietly--the sneaks!
Apparently there was a heart's desire to celebrate my anniversary with a flourish--before it actually arrives on the 6th.

So there we were-- four generations of 'sponsor/pigeon' around the table for dinner at this Japanese Grill where they flung spatulas and flipped veggies for us to catch in our mouths...LOL
And he thinks he can't keep a secret!
I didn't have a CLUE.
Happy Anniversary to ME!

Oy..yes thanks, I think I'd like to do that?

Okay...lemme say that with a BIT more conviction.

YES, thanks! I'd LOVE to do that!

The heck I WOULD! LOL

Okay--back to that "I am not a socially 'gracious' kinda gal". I can wow the pants off Judges and Probation folks and Legislators--WHEN I have a direction and a mission in speaking to them that's NOT about mememe. *sigh* Gimme a mission, I'll show up.

Yeah, yeah.....I know.....get OFF the computer and get dressed, Mel. This is NOT going to kill you. It's just a group of people who work with the kiddos and families we serve. And this year we've served over 5000 kiddos--that's not including families. We're all doing similar jobs, we're all there to hear the state of the union and to celebrate a few successes.

And The Brit gets to attend--for the first time. He's never been 'allowed' before--it's always been just an 'agency employee/friends of the agency' kinda deal so folks haven't had to be worried about breaking family/kiddo confidences.
And I'm suppose to be 'social' and 'appropriate' and 'kindly' and 'gracious'. AND I'm suppose to stand up, thank people for the recognition and sit down without tripping, without saying something controversial or challenging?

C'MON.......they KNOW me!
*sigh*
I can do this.
I CAN do this.
I don't WANNA do this...
No, no, no....the mantra IS "YES, thanks so much! I'd LOVE to do that!"

Nope......ain't working....LOL
*going to dress and psyche myself up for the doings*

Dear G-d PLEASE help me be appropriate and gracious.
*groan*
Does silver duct tape go with a black suit?

Yep, it snowed!

Two, maybe three inches. And there's my hugehearted neighbour out with his ancient snowblower.
I asked if he was having fun--and he was just a grinning from ear to ear "It snowed a bit!"
Yeah, but are ya having fun with that snowblower, kindly neighbour?
"Trish drove the truck this morning--you haffta work today?"
Yep....darn soon, too.
"Are those cookies all gone? Need some more?"
(Did I mention he's a kindly neighbour?)
No, no, no....we're good on the cookies, sir. Can I help with sweeping at least--while you're pushing that contraption down the block and back, I could at least sweep steps, don't ya think?
"Well, you have a nice day!"
*smiling and nodding*
Methinks the hearing aid was turned off.
Either that or I have a HUGE communication problem.

G-d love the man and his antique snowblowing machine. *waving*

Dr. Seuss and Mel

I had a high need to remind myself of that little catch phrase by Dr. Seuss.

"BE who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."

Gotta love the good Doctor!

Trust in reverse

We can Trust Ourselves

For many of us, the real issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgment again.

Many of us have trusted people, who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them.
We may have found these people charming, kind, and decent.
There may have been a small voice that said, "No - something's wrong."
Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
The issue may then reverberate through our life for years.

Our trust in others may have been shaken, but it is our trust in ourselves that has been shattered worse.
How could something feel so right, flow so well, and be such a total mistake?
We may wonder--How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?
We may never have the answers.

Those past "mistakes" can help us to learn critical lessons which might not have otherwise been learned. We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves. We cannot afford to function with fear. If we are consistenly making the 'wrong' decision we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves. But we can and do improve. We learn. We grow from our mistakes.

Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve. Our decisions about how to handle situations with others improve.
We benefit from our mistakes.
We benefit from our past.
And if we have made mistakes, they've been necessary in order to learn along the way.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past. These fears only serve to impair my judgment today. I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all. I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.

********************
I found this reading today and shared it with several gals I had the privilege of working with.
For too long they've gone on about how they can't trust other people. SUCH a broken record.....
Truth is, they've learned to not trust themselves.
For a very long time I made it about other people not being trustWORTHY--far FAR easier to make other people responsible versus taking responsibility for honouring what I 'knew' and was too afraid to honour. Far to easy to ignore the lessons about what was good or not so good for Mel. Far too easy to not go looking and stay 'wounded', crying 'how can I trust anyone again?!'

Only one of them was ready for the message.
Four other ones shot the messenger....LOL

Good thing I don't take stuff personal, huh? ;-)

Bathroom bantering

It would seem that I can't walk into the bathroom without a new discovery on the penguin mirror. It started with a sassy comment from a polar bear and just escalated into a whole lotta banter that seems to change without notice--courtesy of himself, of course!

Yes, we decorate our bathroom--and not just the mirror.
We've got penguin lights draped over the lights and an ample supply of stuffed penguins all decked out for the holiday.

I'm betting someone makes penguin toilet paper! Wooooooooohoooooooo!!!!!!!

*going to search the internet*

I am not a socially gracious kinda person!

This week I get to show up for the 'Annual Dinner' where the agency doles out a report on the finances, the successes and the growth in the agency. What used to be a little bitty obscure place no one knew about has grown and diversified and merged and become this huge thing. I came into this agency some 16 years ago, on the heels of a growth spurt, helping design and run a program for adolescents with dual diagnoses--providing an alternative for treatment that wasn't previously available in the state. In our sixteen years, we've worked with some 1284 kiddos and their families. Yeah for us!

Earlier this year I was on a committee for an award that we were establishing in memory of my boss of-- gosh........years. Years and years. I worked with him when I started pursuing my career and then hooked up with him again when I landed here. Actually, it was his repeated phone calls to invite me to be a part of this adventure that brought me here. Designing the award was an honour--hard as that was......I miss the man and his passion for youths and their families and the grownups who work with them.

Thursday we'll be handing out the award for the first time. I know there'll be a presentation about Jim. I'll hope not to get too tearful.
I wasn't against attending when it was about the privilege of being present for the presentation of the award in Jim's name. I was ready to endure the fancy schmanciness of the affair.

And then my boss decided he needed to double check to make certain I would be in attendance. (sometimes I'm known for my anti-social tendencies) I did tell him it was my heart's desire to be there--BUT it was questionable as I had people nominated for the JLH award and because of staffing shortages, I might have to forego attending.
This is when I discovered that my attendance was required as I was a recipient myself---of some recognition award.
Oh. Then nevermind, I'm CERTAIN I'll be needed to work on the unit!

No, that didn't fly.......LOL

I'm pretty good at watching other folks stand up and get recognition they're due.
These next two weeks I'll apparently be getting to stand up for a couple things. I don't do it graciously. Fact is, I don't LIKE it.

I have a tough time standing at meetings to receive a medallion--I figure it's not my doing and it's my job to make certain people know I won't take the glory. Every year I wanna puke when it's time to go pick up that medallion. Nothing about it feels 'right'--other than folks need to see that it does WORK and you CAN have a different life. I'm clear none of the glory goes to little ol' mememe. Honestly, same holds true for whatever recognition they're going to hand me at this fancy schmancy party thingy I get to go to.

Wiseperson in my life helped me long ago, when I was picking up that first year medallion. "You stand up. You thank G-d. You thank the people around the tables. And then you shut the *%$# up and sit back down."
Sound advice.
I've followed that advice for years--it's survived the ages and it's invaluable advice....leastwise it is for ME.

*sigh*
Suppose they'll 'get it' at the agency dinner when I tell them the story of how that advice came to be?
Cuz I was one year sober and I didn't know sickem. Not about life, not about sobriety--not about doing right things for right motives......

And today I still don't know sickem--just what's been freely given to me again and again, from folks who've been desperate to help me find something different.

They get all the glory.

As do those folks in the trenches who day after day put themselves in the line of fire of angry kiddos, desperate to help THEM find something different.

Yep, I 'll thank G-d, I'll thank the people around the tables and I'll shut the *#$% up and sit back down.

Tail chasing 101

NOT that I need lessons in how to chase my own tail. I seem to have that down pat.

I'm an over-doer. Given that it's been eight weeks since surgery, I figure I oughta be well mended by now. Moving furniture by shoving it with your knees MUST be acceptable, dontchaknow! Yeah well, I was talking with the girl when the Brit came to see who was on the phone--and I caught it in both ears...her telling me to QUIT it, him lecturing me about not having permission to be moving couches! Hey--we needed space to put up the tree and dangit, I was going to make it happen. And then there's work that's just nuts....not enough bodies and too much stuff happening in the lives of employees AND children. Too many hours needing to be filled and not enough bodies to fill the vacancies! I just got done with almost five weeks of 'time off'--if you can call recovery from surgery 'time off'.....people pulled a whole lot of hours to make sure I got what I needed, I'm JUST returning the favor? Did I mention I can't find my couch from the decorations/lights/paper/cards and arsty craftsy stuff covering it? Yeah, well......I can't seemingly do a whole lot of anything in moderation. We're talking LOTS of STUFF!

And did I move the bed in the guestroom so there would be more room for wrapping and separating gifts I've accumulated during the year? Ummmm....yes, I did.

Gosh, I love 'busy'.
Oh....and I need to get stuff baked for the holidays, ornaments done and general 'stuff' accomplished.
WHEN--I don't have a clue. LOL
I'm too busy chasing my tail to have time to actually accomplish anything, thanksverymuch!

Good news though! I won't be picking up my medallion early (which was the plan--get it when I give a pigeon her 15 year chip). Fact is, I won't be getting the privilege of handing OUT the chip--I'll be working that day.
Thinking that leaves me a few options of where to get that medallion--all of which are dangerous..LOL....meaning wiseperson in my life will probably be making arrangements to be there to hand it to me.
Ackkk....gimme my own tail to chase... I'd rather be doing that than coming up with something to say when I get handed that chip.... Oy........

I know these things to be true

The closer it gets the more secretive I become.
The weirder my thinking....
....the less inclined I am to let people walk through 'stuff' with me....
....the more intolerant of others I become.......
....the more critical I become with me.

The closer it comes, the less I like it--the less I like the places I've been and the places I am.
"....restless, irritable and discontent...."
That works.

For my own reference--

". . . as awareness increases, the need for personal secrecy almost proportionately decreases...."--Charlotte Painter

We hang onto secrets when we're unsure of ourselves and the role we're asked to play--secrets about our inner thoughts, our dreams and aspirations, our feared inadequacies.

Because we strive for perfection, assume it's achievable, and settle for no less in all our activities, we are haunted by our secret fears of not measuring up. The more committed we become to living a different way of life, the greater is our understanding of the fallacy of this way of thinking.

And as our awareness increases, the more accepting we become of our human frailty, and the less need we have to cover it up. Our mental health is measurable by the openness we offer to the world. Secrets belie good health and heighten the barriers to it.

The program's Fourth and Fifth Steps are the antidotes to being stuck in an unhealthy state of mind. They push us to let go of our secrets, freeing us from the power they wield. Practicing the principles of the program offers the remedy we need for the happiness we deserve.

I will share a secret today and be free of its power over my life.



What secrets am I walking around carrying all by my little lonesome cuz I'm convinced that saying what's true is some measure of my worthiness SOMEhow, SOMEwhere with SOMEone?

*chuckling*

Can I call it, or what?! LOL














And with gifts like this, how could I NOT love him and his trains?
Yup--if some is good.......... LOLOL

If some is good..........

We STARTED small.
I mean it was all of a corner in the basement, tucked away from the world, safe and sound so it would be available, but not some nightmare that would require more than we could give. Looking pretty good, even if I do say so myself.

His office has been redone--the bathroom/showerroom all redone.....
What's left is this HUGE space for what we planned for our little 'leisure' area.

I've got those walls all painted....the AWFUL carpet that covered the floor has been ripped up and the floor's treated and all ready to be covered. Next on the agenda is the ceiling and new lighting which we've FINALLY chosen and got ordered. We've opted to do the work ourselves so it's all 'ours'--a place we can be comfy with and just 'be' while watching the trains go 'round and 'round.....

And then came the brilliant idea:

If some is good---MORE is better!

From a small corner to 'against the wall' the whole length of the basement, around the corner (half the width of the basement), BACK up that same length of basement, AROUND the corner and down that initial small covey that we began with.

Cuz if SOME is good---MORE is better! *chuckling*

I gotta say, it's been the source of a whole lot of enjoyment so far. He's been like some kid--plotting and planning and sneaking home boxcars cuz he's 'allowed' one a week ya know! (one CAN be one SET of four, btw--as if I'd say 'NO' to his joys! LOL)

Cuz if SOME is good---MORE is better.

We've got the track in, the board for the scenery just about put up the whole length of the layout.....Looking darn good!

'Cept apparently I made a fatal error.
I let himself work on the layout withOUT my company cuz I was getting some quilting time in while I had visitors last evening.

And when I went down to start laundry tonight--and bygolly--look at that!

That track has been extended 1/4 the way down the length of the adjacent wall---backboard for scenery added and track laid!
AND it's got a few boxcars on it (fourty seven...LOL....I counted). He's got himself a nice little 'yard' put in for all those nifty boxcars to sit.

WOW can he work fast when he wants to. LOL

Obviously, if SOME is good---MORE is better!
I'm kinda excited--it looks AWESOME!

*chuckling*
Bet he comes home with a boxcar or four (cuz a SET of four IS counted as 'one' you know).
Now, if I KNEW how to turn the darn train on and make it GO.......

So I had my "performance evaluation" today..........

It's only been three years since the last one....LOL Not that I'm feeling in dire need to have some formalized evaluation from my boss. We meet regularly and he's grown fond enough of me to be pretty candid about how I do my job--for the good and for the 'need to progress in' areas alike.

What wasn't so nice--was the 'opportunity' that'll be placed in front of me in the next three months.

(And I knew this was coming.....)

ONE MORE TIME they're wanting to move me up some invisible ladder to work in an area that I'm not sure that I want to work in.
"I'm giving you three months warning--I know how you hate surprises. I need you to do this."

It's no real surprise. Sometimes you can sense what's coming, you can see the progression happening.
My two lead people have told me they could see it coming--and this was prior to formally being told 'IT'S coming!'.
I'm already doing more 'administrative' stuff than I wanna be.
I'm quick at getting it done, mind you--getting it done means I have more time to play with the kiddos and families. Dunno how much squiggle room I'll get or be able to create so I can DO what it is that I so love to do......dunno that it's mine TO do anymore.

A part of me is sad beyond sad. This isn't where I intended to land.
A part of me is curious.......cuz every place I've landed I had no intention landing IN. And I do trust there's a greater plan in this somewhere.

It's not the financial stuff attached to the different responsibilities.
It's not 'prestige'.
It's not some false sense of importance or 'value' or status or any of that crud that, onceuponatime, might have played into all this.
I hung my hat up on one position some time ago--cuz it took me away from where I wanted to be. And here I be again.......gotta be some reason I keep ending up HERE, don'tcha think?

The Brit gets that I'm missioned driven. We even had some conversation about what it was that I was being asked to wrap my head around.
I didn't like the facts being put out there to me--but there's truth in there.
I ain't as young as I used to be.
Dealing with the physical aspects of the position I'm currently trying to return to may just be too much. (oh yes, I let him live.......LOL)
Perhaps it's time to move over and simply be the teacher.......the leader.

I lead best and teach best by DOING.
Dunno that I'd be AS effective if I didn't get to do that.
Dunno that I could rest knowing I was doing less than I was capable OF doing.
Dunno that I WANNA do their stupid job of being an administrator and playing NICE with people impersonating grownups.

*sigh*
I know.......pause, buy time, pray........
And pray.

AND pray.

As if the squirrels weren't doing a BIG enough number on my head.

Yeah, yeah........pray...........

.....arrrrggggghhhhhhh........

Okay.

I'm a little poofy at the moment.
AND a bit medicated on muscle relaxers--and pain medications.

I decided if eight hours was doable, so was 12.
Okay, so I wanted to get time with the kiddos. I've missed being a part of their lives. Having a family event on the unit this past Sunday just made me miss them more. Hearing from parents how their kiddo's missed talking with me and having me helping them solidified it for me.
So, if eight is doable, so is 12, right?

Wrong.
First there was the 'pop'. Then there was the intense pain that sucked the air out of me followed closely by the cold face, followed by a staff member asking me if I was okay and if it was ME they'd heard 'pop' from some ten feet away, quickly followed by a kiddo who asked if I was going to pass out.

And then they rang the Brit and asked him to come retrieve me.....he who left in enough of a rush that he left the house door open. When I'm conceding and letting myself be driven home (we're talking all of eight blocks, here) without a whole lotta fuss and todo--that's probably a sign that I wasn't feeling up to par.
*sigh*
This wasn't exactly what I'd planned for the end of a 12 hour day.
And I only 'made' ten of the 12 hours.

I can not be happy about this....
I can take pills, soak in the tub and whine.

I'm thinking helping the kiddo with geography homework from a low chair for an extended period of time was a bad, bad, BAD plan!
Okay....I can not be happy about this one.....

And I'm NOT happy.
I THOUGHT the objective for the surgery was to make things BETTER.....
*grumbling*

Note to self:
NO LOW CHAIRS-----EVER!

The squirrels are loose, the squirrels are loose!!

Yep, it's almost like it's 'tradition' and I program myself to GET this way.
Folks around me assure me it's 'normal' and it happens to a whole lot of us.
It's like the anniversary of a loved one--while it gets less, it remains....and there are some of us who are ever conscious about what the day is, what loss we've experienced, what we don't have today, what we had that's now gone.

So the squirrels are loose.
That anniversary is creeping up and I didn't recognize that--but it got mentioned to me by himself this morning.
He let me know I was a in 'a bit of a mood' and assured me that he knew that my anniversary was around the corner and perhaps it would be good to spend some time with kindred souls.

Hmmmm....so he's telling me I'm moody and to go away.
Well, not exactly GO AWAY--he's telling me to go away and FIX it, cuz I'm no fun to live with at the moment.
Probably bigger than 'this moment' if he's calling it to my attention--cuz my moods can flop all over the place in a matter of a few seconds.
So what he's REALLY saying is he doesn't WANT to be around me and I should go to Bolivia.
*nodding*

*sigh*
Okay, the squirrels are loose, the squirrels are loose!!!! LOL
And ya know--historically it's been true. 30 days before and thirty days after my sobriety date, I'm reeling for some reason.
And I don't haffta know the reason, I just haffta know it's true and DO something with it.

Apparently the answer is to go away...TO Bolivia.
*chasing squirrels*
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I've got plans to visit with wiseperson---but I'm NOW thinkin' I'll cancel those and mess with everyone instead....LOLOLOL More proof of just how oppositional I can be, dangit. Don't tell ME I oughta be checking in with wiseperson! Hmmmph!

C'mere little squirrel....I have peanuts for you................

:-D

Yep, I'm gonna love that squirrel and hug that squirrel and call him George! LOLOL

...where life is easy.......

First of all, Iowa is NOT flat.
I just wanna go on record--the Brit tells me the typical reaction, when he was telling people about the love of his life being in Iowa, was a) they responded with "Iowa--right---they grow potatoes there" and b)"It's flat there." No, we're not flat and IDAHO has the potatoes. ;-)

That being said, I am from Iowa and I rather like it here. Not that I don't enjoy other places--but Iowa has been and remains 'home' for me.
The snapshot of the barn is from a little spot on a county road where you can see for miles. It's gorgeous in the fall--if you're lucky enough to feel good enough to travel at that time. It's still gorgeous any time. There's something about that suede look of the country side after the crops are in. We know winter is coming--we know summer has passed.....it's a kind of warm feeling, a kind of completedness that happens when the crops are pulled and the land is awaiting it's rest. Dunno why, it just is. I love that feel.......















And as long as I'm providing a clue of what Iowa isn't--lemme assure you of what it is. This is the wall of an obscure, outta the way, busy and constantly PACKED smalltown eatery. The whole room is filled with antiques--floor to ceiling. If you sat for hours, you'd still not take in 1/8th of what the place contained. The tables themselves are antiques, the ceiling houses baskets, utensils, old signs--it's a wondrous old style place to park yourself. And boy, do people find this place. And it's not from the world's best advertising. Fact is, if you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd drive right past the place and miss it entirely. The photo does NO justice to the whole of the place. And the folks there -- they're not going to leave you wanting for anything. It's a wonderful place--folks still play checkers at the tables there.....

I asked the Brit what it is that he likes about being here--what makes it 'home' for him now, when clearly England was his 'home' for a whole LOT of years.

He tells me it's because this is where *I* am and this is where life is somehow 'easy'.
Now, I can't say that's all me--LORD knows I'm a rather complex, simple kinda gal. LOL But it's nice to know that I've somehow been a part of uncomplicating the simple for himself.
I credit it to the lifestyle.
He credits it to me.
I can't take the glory.....darnit....
But I do know life is somehow 'easy' today.
And we like it that way.....

More to munch on---

"Love is what we are born with.
Fear is what we learn.
The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.
Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth.
To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.
Meaning does not lie in things.
Meaning lies in us."

"A tulip doesn’t strive to impress anyone. It doesn’t struggle to be different than a rose. It doesn’t have to. It is different. And there’s room in the garden for every flower. You didn’t have to struggle to make your face different than anyone else’s on earth. It just is. You are unique because you were created that way. Look at little children in kindergarten. They’re all different without trying to be. As long as they’re unselfconsciously being themselves, they can’t help but shine. It’s only later, when children are taught to compete, to strive to be better than others, that their natural light becomes distorted."

Add these to this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, `Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make and to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. "

*munch munch munch munch munch*

As one who ABHORS Elevators--Note to self:

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

01. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

02. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

03. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

04. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

05. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

06. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

07. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

08. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

09. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

Team day out?

This is close to my energy level during the course of a day.
Small wonder people are prone to trying to get me to slow it down to let the rest of the world catch up. And I'm 'suppose' to be 'part time, limited' at the worksite. Generally I put in 13 hour days at least twice a week. Those are my 'manipulate the position of being the boss to actually DO what you wanna do' days. I get the kiddos all day, their families and them at night AND I get to tuck them in bed for the evening. Now THAT is my idea of a good day--cuz it's a productive, interactive kinda day. And it's far removed from any kind of paperwork--unless it's the kind that I'm generating.

Okay, so I have a bit of a control problem still going on..LOL

And today was a fun day--despite the fact that it was 'team day' and jam packed with meeting after meeting after meeting. They're all 'internal' meetings and talking directly about the kiddos and families we serve. NO red tape--just treatment dealings. MY kinda meeting--no pretenses and everyone on the same page kinda stuff!

I'm plotting and planning with my two 'partners in crime'. We're having a 'shop til ya drop' day on ME. Yep, I'm sending the staff outta there for a day shopping--or at least a good six hours. I like the idea--and my boss is gonna like it too...LOL He just doesn't KNOW that he's going to like it yet.

Folks have done an upstanding job of holding down the fort--especially when I was out of commission for those four and a half weeks. Shop therapy, a day 'on the house' to do it in, the company of coworkers--yep, sounds like a plan to me!

My 'partners' are relatively certain it would be a grand idea--but they suggested I 'slow down' a bit. I'm thinking it was my idea to send them for the day AND treat them all to lunch out AND hand over a few gift cards to some of the folks who went to great efforts to keep things running smooth that got them wanting to put the brakes on.

*shrugs*
I'll wait for them to catch up....LOL Slowing down doesn't sound like much fun to me!

I don't wanna grow up....

This morning, as every morning for the past six days, I've committed to BE the adult that I am.

I didn't even last five minutes once the Brit awakened--heck, he wasn't even AWAKE when the goal was shot.

"Wakey, wakey! Time to get up. Getupgetupgetup...." followed by a flop on the bed and a "I'm lonelllllllly.....getupgetupgetup!" Yep, the goal was SHOT before himself even awakened.

See, I spend all day long being the grownup. I get to teach the adults who work with the kiddos.....and I get to teach the kiddos. I get to relate professionally with workers and probation officers and judges and attorneys, senators, law enforcement, school officials, doctors and the list goes on and on. Most days I'm more adultlike than childlike in the workworld. My adult just doesn't LOOK like other people's adult. *chuckling* I play no matter where I am or who I'm with. I've been known to use 'bad judgement' on when to play (according to some--)and I've been known as a 'charismatic breath of fresh air' (according to others).

I just figure I'm weird and I need to grow up...LOL

Hence the pledge that I'll aspire to BE a grownup in the home. I figured himself has to tire of a wife who's chronically 'playing' and pouting and demanding attention by doing the strangest, juvenile-ish things. (Himself tells me I give myself too much credit--we're not even close to 'juvenile'...LOL)

So since I've concluded this 'childish' woman isn't what he thought he was picking up--I figured I best snap to acting the grown up! I mean, good grief, HE'S now doing A/B/C food as a direct result of being around childish little ol' me...LOL His mother would faint if she saw him showing the alreadybeenchewed food at the dinner table!

I've corrupted him. More reason to BE that grownup in the home.

No fooling--I didn't last five minutes ANY of those six days I set the goal.

When I told the Brit about 'six days of failed goals to be a grownup in the home'--he laughed and assured me that it really wasn't necessary. He loves me as is and wouldn't have it any other way.

Ohhhhhhhh......yes he would...LOL

And he'll know this when it's time for nite-nite.

Cuz I'll flip flop all around the bed, whine about how I'm not READY to go nite-nite, prattle on and on about nothing in particular, ask repeatedly if he's asleep whilest patting his face, pull the covers over my head multiple times, fluff his pillow while his heads on it, sit up to announce I'm checking for the 'anti-monster light' in the hallway and sing a happy tune or two.

THEN he'll rethink his position!

*chuckling*

Maybe I oughta set a smaller goal and shoot for lasting five minutes, period! LOL

Dunce Day!

"....the dunce cap comes from a 13th-century philosopher named John Duns Scotus, who, not surpisingly, was born in Duns, Scotland."

"This well-respected but terribly oblique scholar felt that conical hats actually increased learning potential. Here's the theory -- knowledge is centralized at the apex and then funneled down into the mind of the wearer."

"Scotus was widely praised in his day, but eventually fell out of intellectual favor. His "duns cap" was a pretty obvious target of derision and came to symbolize stupidity."

So welcome to Dunce Day! I have to share that I celebrated.
See, Tuesday is an administrative meeting kinda day. I meet with the veteran psychologist at ten and by eleven I'm on the road so I arrive by twelve-thirty for my administrative meeting. And no, it's not exactly treasured time! Give me the seasoned psychologist with the fancy letters behind his name--pretty well known child psychologist who continues to work with us past his official retirement simply because he a) loves working with children and b) he openly states that he comes to the unit for the fun the grownups have with him. And someone's going to have to explain why I pay HIM when we're his source of entertainment...LOL

And then there's that 12:30 meeting.
Honestly, I'm sure they're good folks--we're simply interested in different things. There are three familiar faces, people who've been there for multiples of years, who are invested in the agency and are mission driven people. And then there are the rest....newer folks who readily raise hands for projects that will put them in the center of the CEO's attention, who state they're interested in learning all they can because their aspirations are to become 'bigger' and 'better'.

It's not my aspiration to become 'bigger' or 'better' at doing anything except what it is that I'm already doing.
Fact is, I didn't ask for this position when it was handed to me.
Heck, never once have I WANTED to progress up some career ladder. With every move comes less time doing what it is that I'm committed to doing. I spend more time manipulating to GET more of that time than I do caring about who has what position and what project they're involved in.
Nice people, I'm sure--different mission driven lives.
And I admit I get irritated with the game playing that becomes involved. It's just plain silly.

Yeah, well--in a nutshell, that's the 12:30 meeting. I managed to 'excuse' myself from attending for a good chunk of time(1 1/2 years).....until the boss came to me one day and told me "I NEED you in that meeting....." That's when I surrendered and started to show up.

And I showed up today with my Dunce/Duns Cap.
Yep, my red cone was on my head with the word "Duns" written on it.
I assured them it was to channel my apex and enhance my supreme intellect.
I'm thinkin' some of those folks could use a lesson or two in how to "play"....LOL And not one of them knew it was Dunce Day!

And they think they're so dang smart!
It was a hit with a several folks. The boss asked for the groups forgiveness. The CEO, Anne, asked to borrow it and slapped it on her own head cuz apparently she needed HER apex channeled--this after I challenged her idea which sounded good in theory but in practice was simply not doable....but I offered a more workable solution which she bought and endorsed....so that was good! I did notice the boss looked a bit green whilest I was dickering with Anne....*shrugs*

The BESTEST news is--- I don't have to be IN the work group to start the project...LOL Some aspiring wanna-be volunteered so I don't HAVE to lose time with the kiddos and families and staff that I work with!! Woooohooooo!!!!
And I did get my Duns Cap back from Anne.

The boss did ask me to remind him WHY I suddenly was attending the Administrative Meetings after near a year of refusing to participate?? "Because you said you NEEDED me at the meeting, 'member?"

"Vaguely.....was I having delusions when I said that?"

I just nodded.
Sometimes it's better to take your Duns Cap and exit before someone else wants to don it and channel their intelligence.
He's a BIG fella!
At six foot ten, he could seriously hurt me! LOL

Food for thought.......

So I ran across this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, `Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make and to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. "

My brain is munching on it.....

*munch munch munch*

Sharks and spiders with mittens.....

The girl had lunch with THE mom this week. Of course, THE mom was thrilled she had the company and an excuse to fix a four course meal. Yep, four courses--*shaking head*. Couldn't just feed her ANYthing, you know.

She's on her way back--and now she's talking about California versus England. Seems the company is opening up an office in near LA and she's been asked to take a management position, at least for a chunk of time. She'd be near her aunt, available for ocean sailing and hassle free from Visa problems until she transfers in the new position to one of the offices in England.

California is nice. Closer. Near the aunt who'd be thrilled to have her.

She assures me it's a just a short chunk of her time--and that the plans are for her to take a position in the office in England.

I simply celebrate that LA's not had bombs going off in their subway as of late.

She's got that sailing bug going on--
They have sharks over there.

Oh great......here we go AGAIN! LOL

In the meantime, it's been a week process, but the Halloween 'stuff' is at rest for another year.
This despite my suggestion to get 'Studley' four pairs of mittens and a scarf and call him our Holiday Spider.
I've packed him in the top of the last box for easy access.
He IS purple and I'm thinking that I could still get that accomplished!
I did suggest tailfeathers and an axe for Thanksgiving--and got a rousing 'NO! NO! N-O, NO!'

*shrugs*
It's early yet.
This too could change!

Page 53, again....

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depdend upon them far too much. If we lean to heavily on people, they sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecuirty grows and festers. When we habitually try to maipulate other to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any of of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."


Doesn't that just say it all?

I tried desperately to be a part of the life going on around me with that total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. I was chronically trying to get to the top of the heap, or hide underneath it. I didn't have a clue that loving other's was so dang easy. I was convinced it was an unobtainable thing, some fairy tale hype that certainly was yet to be seen AND experienced in my lifetime. The fact was that I had no clue how to 'do' any type relationship and I spent a whole lot of time arguing and justifying an attitude of "I hate PEOPLE". I was chronically getting in my own way when it come to having a relationship with ANYone/anyTHING. Getting out of my own way was a huge part of learning how backasswards I had everything, especially interpersonally with others.

Ya know---that had to be one of THE toughest feats in this lifetime for me, to date..

I had every rationalization not to trust in relationships, and truth be told, the other people (intimate relationship or not) had every justification to distrust ME and MY motives.

And when it came to 'intimate relationships'--I didn't start out on the bottom of the heap, but I sure landed there through erosion and desperation, compromising darn near everything to get some false feeling of control, some false sense of security in the lie 'if I just do A., B. or C. THEN they'll love me'. Intimate relationships tended to be THE one relationship I 'compromised' in over and over again--outside of those intimate relationships, I was busy manipulating and making sure I was getting MINE and MORE. I well and truly SUCKED at any type of relationship.... With others, with G-d and with myself.

And today?

Well, heck....I think I'm glad to say I'm a part OF the heap..LOL

Just another of G-d's kiddos doing the best she can to practice 'right living' in every relationship that I have.

And today, against every 'odds' there WAS---convinced that my marriage to G-d was THE best thing in my life and all I needed or wanted, seeing absolutely NO need whatsoever to have an intimate relationship with anyone--the gal voted the most likely to remain single by every breathing entity around me (including the dog, mind you..LOL) is happily sharing a life with a fella that I did absolutely NADA to 'deserve'.

G-d does work in mysterious ways..LOL

It serves me well to remember--on days when I want to resort to that old line of "I hate PEOPLE"--where it is I am in the scope of things...which end of the spectrum--bottom of the pile thinking or top of the heap scrambling? Either place is a statement of what I believe about ME, moreso than what's true of 'people'.
For this gal, it's a flashing neon sign about where I'm getting my worth and value from......

Serves me well to show up, especially when I 'don't feel like it', to a place where folks don't have a problem flopping a book open and shoving it in front of me and saying "Read page 53 lately?"

LOL So the initial thought is "MORE proof why hating people IS an option!"--but that 'stop sign' between my brain and my mouth DOES work on occasion (thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!) and I know well how to ACT AS IF I'm humbled even when I wanna shove that book where the sun don't shine.

I know what page 53 says, thanksverymuch.

See above.

And remember what it was like, Mel.

Cuz you HAD that.

And when you're scrambling for the top of the heap remember that it says more about YOU than the world around you.

This is why there's a sticky note on the mirror that reads:

"You are looking at the problem."

London in Black and White

The boy, the girl, the Brit.....

Ever notice that people in my life become these no-named entities? Yeah, well, none of that seems quirky to me--but apparently it's a bit odd to folks around me.

I'd be hard pressed to name six people in my life (outside of family) who know the actual names of the girl and the boy. Folks I've worked with for YEARS note that they don't know their actual names...I've always referred to them, with great affection, as 'the boy' and 'the girl'. Not MY kids, but THE kiddos. Same for the Brit......not MY husband, but THE Brit, the man who shares life with me, and in joking 'he who must obey'. (that would be as a result of his reference to me as "she who must be obeyed", apparently some humourous endearment from whence he cometh)

So last night as we're letting the 161 (WOW.....we had 161!!) little monsters come up the steps to get their goodies, the moms/dads, many of whom were familiar to me, are extending their hand to the Brit and stating "so you must be the Brit--I'm blahblahblah" and he is shaking hands introducing himself as 'Steve'.
Honest, I squirmed.....LOL Don't ask me why, but I did.

Is there a reason I don't give out the kiddos names/the name of 'he who must obey'? Well, sorta--I'm not comfortable introducing any of them as MY anything. MY daughter. MY son. MY husband..... Even when the dog was alive, she was 'the puppy', not MY pup. I know full well that they're on loan to me from G-d, they're not my possessions, they're not 'mine' in any way, shape or form. This is a reminder to ME of who they truly 'belong' to, and it's not TO ME.

Apparently it makes for an air of mysteriousness. "Normal people" don't introduce 'their spouse' as a 'THE' anything. People have names and they were given them for a reason. I had to ask the Brit...LOL.....(SEE!!)....if he was, in any way, offended by how I addressed/referred to him when talking to the folks around me. So we had a conversation.

He assures me he's not..and in fact, he rather likes it--though he couldn't really identify why. He did tell me it was uniquely 'me'. He did tell me he knows full well how each of us end up with a title versus a name/identified as MY anything. He did note that I do call him "Stephen" when it's him and I talking. He also suggested that introducing him as 'The Brit' is perfectly 'okay' with him, though it might suit OTHER people better if they had a name to call him....hence his introduction including his name. I can do that--I think....effort on my part, but I'm almost sure that I CAN do that!

Strange that I don't call him Stephen when talking about him or referring to him. But I do call him Stephen when I'm talking directly to him. And I yell "STEVE", when I'm wanting his attention NOW..LOL....which is backasswards to how it was when he got in trouble with his mother who would loudly do a "STEPHEN!" which sent him cringing but obeying...and called him Steve in every day life.....

Too weird--
I really DO do things backasswards to the rest of the world, huh? LOL

Check! Check!! Check?

Got the jack-o-lanterns in place.
Got the candles for them ready to be lit and plunked inside.
Got the treat bags--all 120 of them--ready.
Got the big people's treats ready in the monster bowl.
Got the graveyard raked, and prettied up--ready to go.
Got the spookey feet walking through it..ooooOOOOOooooooo..,,,
Got the ookey spookey music CD IN the player.
Got the porch steps all cleared and the ceramic pumpkins in place elsewhere.
Got the spidery web stuff hung over the porch entry.
Got the chili ready for eating, the cider ready for drinking!
Got the silly string to shoot the neighbor kiddo with....hahahahahaha..
Got the super soaker hidden so it's not an all out war! ;-)
Got Studley looking all primed for the occasion.
Got the lights switched on!
Got the witch looking all that on her broom!
Got the spidery outfit ready...........
I think we're SET!

Now--all we need is the kiddos in their cute costumes!!!!

Oh--and we need the Brit.

He volunteered to help out at work today--with the stipulation that he's home by five tonight. The festivities begin at six.
We don't care it's not ON Halloween night--we'll just have an extra night for Studley to be lurking in the yard.
His employer, I believe, gets how huge Halloween is in this household.
Heck, he's been taking treats and cupcakes and 'stuff' in all month long to share in the festivities. Besides, he assured me he wouldn't miss it for the world. He's ready! Even made me ghostie and pumpkin pancakes this morning! :-) Whadda guy! LOL

And I gotta head up to work here and check out the kiddo's haunted drive-through.....year 16, it's a huge tradition!
And yep, that's my fault....... ;-)

Man oh man.......

They've got a lightning and thunder machine that I MUST have! Darn competition....LOL
Always one upping me..LOL

YEAH and YIPPEE!!!!!

Voile'!!

Jack-o-lanterns! (finally!)








































And no computer generated, pattern traced nuffin'!
Yep, I insisted that it was pumpkin meets the knife.
NOT bad, eh?

They're everywhere--they're everywhere!!

Gosh, I love living in a small town. It's not that we've stayed 'tiny', but we have remained small! In the 16 years I've lived here we've doubled in population(probably cuz the cattle had babies and the farmers bought a tractor or two)! AND we've tripled in stoplights! (okay...so we only HAD one stoplight when I move here--that doesn't negate the fact that we now have THREE!).

WE have trick-or-treats with the merchants who stay open on Thursday evenings to accomodate the farming folks. (that only makes sense if you know farm folks!)

Tonight the streets of downtown (all three blocks) are littered with little monsters and goblins dressed up, going from store to store. Yep, you can hear them laughing and "GRrrrrrrrrrr-ing" and "oooOOOOooooo-ing" and just having a grand time.

And Sunday (cuz Monday the schools had too many activities to cancel) we'll be having those little monsters at OUR house! Bring 'em on, I say! WE are prepared.

And I'll need the weekend, frankly.
I think the word is 'tired'.
BOY am I prime material for tiring way easy at the moment.

But I did get in six hours at the office Wednesday. I was shooting for five and woulda settled for four--ended up with six cuz I got busy and lost track. And Wednesday evening--himself brought home Chinese and ran me a bath so I could soak, get in my jammies and take a painpill or two. All this by six thirty. Okay, so I push things.....*sigh*
Today it was another six hours and I was done in four but again--got busy.
Ha....CINDY wasn't there...LOL
And truth be told, I probably NEED Cindy there to send me home cuz I am NOT a good judge, huh?

*shrugs*
But we have goblins and ghoulies and monsters and cuties wandering the streets tonight.
And we have traffic on our street.
That's Studley's fault...LOL He's a bit of an attraction around these parts.

Whatdaya expect for a small, three stoplight kinda town?

OooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooo....mwaaahhhhhahahahahahahahaa.....

DEAR Secretary......

Letter to the secretary dated 10/25:

Okay.
I admit it.
I threatened bodily harm to you if you ever sent on a ‘permission to return to work’ slip of mine to Cindy again.

*hanging head*

AND I called Cindy something close to ---–well, okay, it was more than ‘close to’……….I CALLED her a “Permission Slip Nazi”, which was not at all kind.
NOR was it kind to threaten you (even in a joking manner) for putting that little slip in Cindy’s hands and giving her the information to use against me.......WHICH SHE WILL. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..*sniffle*

I know she’s only looking out for my best interests.
I know YOU were simply following instructions and being responsive to the request made of you.
Can you please be responsive to MY bosses request for a million dollars? LOL He (by the way) IS the one who ought to have gotten that fax that was implicit about what I'm 'allowed' to do and what I'm 'not allowed' to do. HE is much more easily manipulated than Cindy--HE won't be present to hold me TO those restrictions.

CINDY WILL BE!
But nevermind--please grant his request for the million dollars.

I , of course, don't need you to be responsive to any requests--it's too flipping late, Cindy has the fax....and.... I did get that giant spider I’d been hoping to find-- so I’m considering MY request granted. (sorta kinda)

OKAY! OKAY!!!
Sorry, sorry, sorry—it was wrong, wrong, wrong.
And I really won’t hurt you.

I’m not allowed to bend OR twist OR lift objects over 20 pounds(this according to the fax AND to Cindy)—so....you’re safe.

*sigh*
And ....Yes, I know—this email WILL be used against me…………..

*hanging head*

Response from secretary dated 10/26:

Ethan (her kiddo) loved the spider and requests, nightly, that we go visit 'Studley'. He told all his preschool buddies how cool it was that HIS mom knows a giant purple spider by name. :-)




Oy......... I am sooooooo losing my touch.......

Piles and heaps

I have lots of them in this house--mostly (and this is my excuse...LOL) cuz I don't get to lift things from the floor yet so I make piles and the couch, on the tables, on the nightstand, on the 'puter desk...here a pile there a pile, everywhere a pile pile! Oy... And the piles have their varying themes.
Only some of the themes got mixed together cuz himself thought he'd try to straighten and messed with my system! LOL It was an organized mess, dangit!

GOTTA do something with those piles today. They're making ME nutzoid. I am not a piles and heaps kinda gal, honest I'm not!

And I gotta go see the neurosurgeon who DID approve me going to work 'part time as tolerated with limitations'. YEAH! Umm...but why is it I then need to come see you?
"Because I'd like to check your progress and I'd like to make certain you understand what those limitations are."
Ah. Okey dokey.

He better not yell at me...LOL My list of "I didn't DO"s is pretty long. And I wanted to DO--cuz I suck at not doing.
AND someone messed with my piles already and I'm NOT in the mood to be messed with again. Hmmmmmph!

Besides, I already have the permission slip at work! So nahhhhhhhhh!!!!
What's he gonna do, fax something that says "I take it back"?!



Nah.
Only I'D do something like that.........

Right?

Weekend pigeons

So I had dinner at a Japanese Grill with a pigeon on Friday. The Brit went along--she's rather fond of him and she enjoys that I'm actually IN a marriage. ('better me than she', she tells me--she's scared poopless of entering into a partnership and doesn't trust me when I say it's effortless work) I've been working with her for six years now and she is a treat! And so was the Japanese Grill! Lemme tell ya, spatulas flying, smoke, fire--and Mel at the grill advertising her culinary ineptness...LOL Ask me to break and egg after flipping it in the air off the spatula withOUT getting shell in it? Ohhhhhhhhh riiiiighhhhhtttttttt.......surrrrrrrrreeeeeee....... LOL The Brit backed up a whole LOT, probably cuz he could see I was entertaining the thought of hitting the darn thing like a baseball and winding up with the spatula like I meant it. And I did break the egg on the spatula!
Ummmmm.........Good thing we like crunchy fried rice? :-P
And cheater chopsticks are great!
I'da starved without 'em! LOL

Today--I went to an excellent meeting after working with another pigeon. I'm thinking just about any meeting woulda been wonderful..LOL Wiseperson in my life was right--I needed to get my 'a** in the chair'. And I needed the coffee after the meeting. It was nice to be in the company of a pigeon and her pigeon. Fun stuff watching what was given to me being passed on.

I don't know that I liked hearing that the pigeon's pigeon asked the pigeon....(boy that sounds confusing)...because I scared the crap out of him. I don't like to think of myself as a scary person. Fact is, I know I'm much more approachable today than I've ever been. Apparently not as approachable as I'd like to think I am? *chuckling*

I did ask what got in the way and he confessed it was that I was female (okay....so's the pigeon he DID ask...HA), that I had a reputation for sponsoring people who no one else would touch (this is true--torques me off when folks say 'no' cuz they're not wanting a blemish on their 'A.A. report card'...wrong motives, wrong answer, wrong, wrong, wrong.....on THIS I have a rather staunch opinion, which is obvious!) and he didn't wanna be known as 'one of THOSE'...*chuckling*....and that I had a way of 'knowing' that scared the hell out of him and I just 'put it out there' when I told my story.

Okay....maybe...... No, no 'maybe' to that, he's right--and I'm sure that can be frightening to some folks. I could work on my delivery--I doubt that will change unless I get marching orders TO change that--and those'll haffta come from someone/some'thing' a bit 'higher' in the chain of command. I do what I'm called to do, say what I'm called to say. No doubt, that frightens a few people. Scared the poop outta me that wiseperson in my life could 'know' some things that I was convinced no earthly person oughta know. I've no doubt where he obtained that knowledge, today. Used to be I believed he crawled in my brain when I was asleep. LOL

So, I'm scary STILL--which, ya know, is "okay"......cuz he's got a great person working with him. One who worked like no other to come to a different understanding and way of living. And she's now earning her own reputation for picking up folks who've been turned down multiple times, who are near death and have 'failed' again and again at finding what works.

*chuckling*
It's good to have a bit of competition...LOL He told me it was less scary to ask the pigeon--and he figured safer....LOL Does he not know that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? He assured me he's since figured that out. Ah, the pigeon learned well......LOL

And ya know-- it's good that I seemed scary.
He's right where he needs to be--and she's doing just what she's needing to be doing.

And today, between the three of us--47 years of living a different life.

Scary, eh? *chuckling*
Ah well...good thing he didn't see me winding up that spatula on Friday night....LOL Now THAT was something to fear!

Long Distance Calling......

I was trekking through my day, pretty oblivious to what time it was cuz I was keeping pretty busy...busy is GOOD!

4:15 the phone rings--it's the girl at O'Hare, awaiting her flight to London which was to board in approximately ten minutes. She's off to London to attend a Ball at the London Hilton--a get together/celebration for the folks from that yacht race the wrong way around the world.

She sounded scared and that was pretty much her opening line.
That 'mom' mode kicked in pretty fast. LOL
It wasn't the flight. It wasn't even the fact that she's taking two weeks and scampering around in England, Ireland, Wales, and France--it was the Ball she was fretting about.
"I'm under-dressed--I just KNOW it."

Oy...okay, we've done the dress and shoes and jewelry, so I'm pretty convinced she's NOT underdressed--fact is, she looks pretty darn spiffy. TOO spiffy--but that's just cuz I'm the mom..and she's single....and she'll be surrounded by Brits...

"NO mom....I'm underdressed. I KNOW I'm underdressed...what am I suppose to DO? I mean, I'm ten minutes from getting on the plane....."

I suggested she just breathe and talk with one of the gals when she gets there and get her opinion--and if she's still not comfy with the dress.....well, happy shopping!

"MOM!"

.....sheeeeeshhhh she can get LOUD when she wants to....

"MOM!! I JUST found out THIS MORNING that PRINCESS ANNE is going to BE AT THE BALL. I....AM.....UNDERDRESSED!!! Oh my god.....isn't that like...Prince Charles daughter or something?"

Ummmm....no but she was close......And that's when I explained Anne's relationship to the Queen as 'the daughter'. And THIS would be when I lost the girl to a the tune of: "oh....my.....god....ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmyGOD!!!"

I did suggest she skip the shopping and just find some peace that she looked drop dead gorgeous AS IS...besides, she'll need that time NOT spent out shopping to work on how to curtsey to Her Royal Highness when she'd introduced. I also suggested she sit near the restrooms on the flight.......--cuz she's gonna throw up.

"Curtsey? I HAVE to CURTSEY? HOW do you do a curtsey? Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.....OH MY......flight just got announced.....OHMHGOD......"

She's gonna throw up.
She's got eight hours to mull this around---and she will throw up...
Afterall.....she IS her mother's child!

Gosh, I hope she sat near the restrooms..... LOL

*whapping self on the head*

No, it is NOT all about precious little MEMEME and what I WANT........

Duh. Duh. DUH!

I decided I'd show up for work today. I had a chat with the Brit last evening about how bad it feels to not be present when things are messy--how *I* feel and what *I* want/need. It all sounded perfectly innocent enough. He was even supportive and kind and loving.

And then came the evening inventory time where I had a wholllllllllllllle list of selfish behaviors/attitudes (note all the *I* statements)--another nobrainer, or at least shoulda been for me.

Do you KNOW what it meant to folks to just have me show up bearing donuts and telling them how appreciated they are and what an awesome job they've all done making sure that things are taken care of?
No, folks--it ain't all about me.
They've been busting their rears and they needed the recognition. Isn't it amazing what a bit of defiance of 'orders' and a big box of donuts can do for other people's morale?
And funny--how doing that little bit helped MINE.

SEE--it isn't all about MEMEME.

And how many times has wiseperson in my life told me to get UP and go help someone else when I'm wrapped up in the MEMEME stuff?
Duh. DUH. DUHHHHHHH!

*chuckling*
They really ARE great people.

AND I got to see ALL four babies, today--WITH their moms!
..........and the newspaper showed up for photos.....LOL
Yes, it's BIG news for a town of 3000 (counting cattle AND tractors) to be having four births in one workplace during ONE month's time.
I'm sure we'll be on the same page as Myrtle who's just returned from visiting her daughter in California.
*chuckling*

An afternoon in the park

There's something about autumn and the changing of the guards. Feels a lot like it's the changing of the guard--that the trees are being deserted to make their way through the harsh winters here, alone. Spring comes and they're kept company again, buds eager to be a part of the season. But come fall, it's every leaf for themself! And they scatter hither and yon, finding a place where they can be of importance, sometimes a part of, sometimes singularly.














So I met with wiserperson and we discarded the self pitying crud and came to terms with the sudden limitations which came accompanied with fear. I react in fear. I forget where my peace and contentedness comes from. And it's not in what I physically do, it comes in what I bring to the lives of others. My value is no less because of the physical (temporary) limitations. I still have a calling, a mission--and G-d's still firm in His plan for my life. The question remains, am I still firm?














I don't intend to change anything today--but underneath the noise is still that fear driven child of G-d who can waiver on what's true in moments of change, self created or circumstance created. Will my value diminish because I'm not up to snuff. My value to my employer, to my spouse, to my friends, to the kiddos I serve--to my G-d. What becomes of that 'identity' that I've wrapped myself in and called "MINE" for so long.














Wiseperson reminded me that my identity was formulated longggggggg ago and I surrendered to His will for my life just this morning, did I not? *chuckling* SAME as I've done for almost thirty years--every morning. Some days I suck at it worse than others? I got a headlock and all the assurance in the world that the mission hasn't changed, the calling hasn't changed--the attitude and how I was looking at things was what had changed. I know that's true--it's what I told him on the phone BEFORE the time at the park. Me and my attitude..........it's always a choice.














So what's different after two hours in the park? Not a darn thing--except I'm reminded ONE MORE TIME of who I am and what I get to do. And the operative word is 'get' to do. Cuz it is a privilege. I'm reminded of who I am NOT. I'm a whole lot more grateful. I'm not feeling deserted and like some changing of the guard happened without my permission. LOL And I'm feeling pretty graced cuz we got to see eagles today. AND wiseperson in my life assured me that HE still has plans for my life even if I don't cuz I was too busy in my own head.


That means he's volunteered me to chair a meeting somewhere for the next month! He's not fooling ME! LOL

Getting OUT......

So I'm told it's a gorgeous view out there, today.
Yep, the Brit rang from work and suggested I get in the car and make a trip to the park--which is all of 15 minutes away. He tells me the view is awesome and wondrous.

He also tells me I could stand to get out of the house. *chuckling*

I admit it, I've been particularly frustrated that I'm not a part of the solution in a workplace that's a bit 'busy' at the moment.

HE says "You're a tad owly."
I think that means I'm crankier than all get out.

Funny--when I talked with wiseperson in my life this morning, HE said I was full of it, that I'd been keeping my own company too dang long and that I needed to "get my *** in a chair"--which is his.....errrrrr.....'polite' way of suggesting I get to a meeting.
Tuesday.....hmmmm....closest meeting is some 45 minutes away and it's at 8 p.m. tonight. Dunno that I can actually DO 45 minutes in a car yet, which is what I told him.
45 minutes in a car, 90 minutes of a meeting, 45 minutes MORE in a car......yikes.....
So he volunteered to come GET me, thinkin' it was the driving and not the sitting IN a car and going, period.
(he's a bit slow some moments....never slow at the RIGHT moments, mind you.....)

I did explain to him what the problem was. So.....if I can't get to the meeting, the meeting will come to ME.
OH yeah! *chuckling*
Which means wiseperson in my life will be stopping by the house to help me 'adjust my attitude'.
Which means we'll be having a 'chat' or two.
Which means PAIN....LOL
Just kidding--I think.......

Better yet--I think I'll ring wiseperson in my life BACK and invite him to meet me at the park.
What's he gonna do in a public place?! What am I saying......the man has no aversion to loudly taking my inventory in Perkins, forcryingoutloud!

Hey--maybe he'd like to do LUNCH at the park!

I can hear him grumbling already...LOL

Ya know....I really do love that oldfartwiseperson.......

Creative boredom

Okay, so I now have no space on my table to even enjoy a cuppa java. Good news, I can have java in another spot--bad news....I like this spot better.

Ya know, there's something to be said for saving little scraps of 'stuff'. You just never know when you'll have surgery and have some meanie neurosurgan tell you to 'stay home and heal'.
Good grief---it's OCTOBER and I'm making holiday cards already?

Someone whack me a good one.....




























Oh, and I do nothing in moderation--cuz there's twelve more on the kitchen counter that I JUST emptied from the trick-or-treat assembly line.

Oh LORD----I need to go back to work! LOLOL

So I took my 'walk'......

It was a lovely walk, indeed........

The class project

It was a project for his English class and the 11 year old next door chose the Brit to interview. He wanted to know simple things--if you had a memory. *chuckling* Took SOME work on the Brit's part to call some things up!

Life at 13 years of age.
Interesting stuff, listening to the Brit describe the highlight of his 13th year revolving around the introduction of a television to his home--watching space flights and JFK's address to congress. The Beatles, James Bond and adventures following a creek near his family's home, dropping boats of twigs and paper....
What innocence! What a different way of life......

I didn't volunteer any information...LOL

First of all, my childhood memories are up for grabs. I just don't remember a whole lot. And what I do remember--well, let's just say the Brit was mighty glad the child next door didn't opt to interview ME for his school project.

He and I did talk about my memories of 13 after the kiddo left with his pockets full of left-over treat candies.

13--fondly remembered for the beginning of the spree of interventions by legal authorities out of concern for my wellbeing. 13 is when I decided that running the bleachers for P.E. AFTER consuming mass amounts of alcohol was probably a bad plan. Cuz your judgment is a bit impaired and you land on the bottom steps of the bleachers, all twisted and looking just AS stupid as you apparently are acting. In attempts to cover that up- you quickly stand and promptly fall again---in a heap of laughter cuz you don't feel the pain from the gash in your head. The nurse wants to see you, the physician gets involved because you require stitches and the court wants to eventually see you--being stoned drunk IN school is not acceptable and they're looking for some method of deterring that from happening again. At 13, I had already perfected manipulation through tears and feigned innocence. When you get hospitalized at age 11 for blood alcohol poisoning, you learn quickly what works for getting people OUT of your business.

At age 13 I slunk into my first A.A. meeting--and slunk back out. I had nothing in common with 'those people'. I was ONLY 13 for cryingoutloud!

At age 13 I had too much sexual experience. Go figure.

Age 13---I don't remember the space flights--though I'm sure they were happening. And television (?)--waste of time when you could be out having a goooood time playing with the big boys and LIVING for cryingoutloud. I don't remember my classes, I don't remember my educators at age 13.....'cept for the German teacher who was a cute young thing and shared his experiences of drinking German beer too frequently with the class. I thought he was 'cool'......the schoolboard, however did not.

At age 13 my 'activities' already revolved around drinking and using--if you weren't holding, I wasn't showing up. If your supply wasn't equal to the one in the house that my alcoholic father wouldn't miss--why would I bother TO show up?

The Brit just shook his head and told me he really WAS relieved the child didn't interview ME. LOL

*shrugs*

I'm thinking had he asked ME--he'da had a wayyyyyyyyyyy more colourful report to share with his school chums.....

*chuckling*
And I'da loved to have been a mouse in the corner JUST to see how long it took his teacher to shush him up.