7 weeks and a visit to Philly--

We spent a long weekend in Philadelphia--the 6 year old desperately needed to see her mom....just about as desperately as the mom needed to see the 6 year old.  And Nana needed to see the wee fella. So--Nana sacrificed the 'girls day out' activities to sit with the wee fella.  Someone had to be there, dontchaknow...and the two of them really needed the time alone.....with each other.

He's horribly pale and horribly small.  He's gotten himself to a bit under 7.5 pounds--which is under one pound of growth since his birth, seven weeks ago.  They won't take that ventilator out until he shows five days of continuous weight gain--significant weight gain.  His little body needs that extra bit to give taking him off the ventilator a chance to be successful.    Of course they're concerned about the lack of weight gain and growth.  You'd not know that from the conversations the mom has with me or anyone else.  I'm concerned about her ability to 'see' what's true at this point..especially when she told me that she still has hope the baby can pull himself out of it and go home for the Christmas holiday.

He's not coming home for the Christmas holiday--they made that abundantly clear a few weeks ago.  IF he progresses to the point of 'release', the release would local.  They won't endorse taking him back to Iowa.  Somewhere she lost that reality.  I spoke with a social worker I happened to run into, privately, about my concerns. She assures me some degree of that denial of reality is normal--but she also told me they'd visit with her about where things were at for the wee one.  He's remained in the cardiac intensive care unit the entire time for a reason.  The social worker had wonderful things to say about the mom and her devotion to her family.  She's an awesome mom--I  do worry this is taking a toll on her emotionally....I just do.....

The good news is he's receiving excellent care--24 hours around the clock--he has his own private nurse assigned just to him.  They know him very well.  So they know what to look for and what's 

'normal' for him.  

And I'm grateful for how well she's being taken care of at the Ronald McDonald House...and what a wonderful job they did with the 6 year old while she was there.  They were amazing.  The families there are all dealing with such hard circumstances.  It's hard to see your circumstances as 'worse' when you see some of the other hardships and traumas they're contending with.  Everyone's in the same boat, trying to hang on to hope and be there for their child.  I'll never, ever pass by one of those boxes without dropping something in.  I never stopped to think it would be my family in need of their houses........but it is.  So many of us seem to think we're somehow exempt from that one.  It's a hard wake up call to realize we're not....

It was a very nice, very NEEDED weekend for the family--myself included.  I needed to know where things were at for the wee one who, honestly,  is soothed into sleeping the day away and is only awake with his eyes opened maybe once a day when there's some kind of discomfort/pain involved.  

I needed to know what was true because I knew it wasn't what gets posted or photographed.  And I needed to get some time with the mom to challenge some of the things she just wasn't seeing.  It's the perspective that comes with fresh eyes.  Even if she didn't want to hear it, I know she did.

There's a hard road here. It's not suddenly become easier because a surgery was successful.  The measure of success was in surviving the surgery and the recovery.  

And we're not there yet......halfway, maybe--but that other half counts for a lot.

The wee fella with his Stuffie

2nd place cheer

 I am a freaking tired Nana.  *sigh*

I won't do less than I can, but I fear I'll burn myself out before we end this race.  LOL. Mostly cuz this bird ain't a chick, dontcha know.

This weekend was, as is every weekend, Bug time.  And I like to DO during my off time.  Why would it surprise me that Bug is the same way?!  We cut back plants that froze in the 27° autumn morning (it IS autumn!).  We bagged up 175 treat bags for the annual trick or treat night, and me made a ghostie tree house decoration...which I've yet to make room for.  Ummm...mostly cuz I just returned home.  Bug and I spent the night at a hotel so we could arrive bright and early to get ready for her "cheer" competition.  I wasn't about to try to load her into the car so we could drive an hour and a quarter....and arrive at 6am to get hair done and make-up applied (6.5 years old and she needs make-up to bounce around and tumble and wave pom-poms?!).  *ahem*  Yes....well...we stayed at a hotel and had a girl's night out while grandad stayed home and peacefully watched the baseball game.  LOL. 

And Nana took her where she needed to be so they could take 2nd prize.  Not bad for a bunch of ADHD kiddos.  LOL. OMG those ladies that coach those kiddos deserve a medal, I swear!

And next week...we'll be in Philadelphia for a long weekend, the Bug and me.  The mom wants to see her kiddo-she's not seen her for 5 weeks.  And she "Needs to see my mom".  Which is probably true after her week.  *sigh*  It's not been a very 'happy' week.  But we'll just keep trudging.  What else is there to do?  Pray and keep doing whatever gets placed in front of us.  That's all we can do right now....

I'm looking forward to seeing the wee fella and his mom...and I'm looking forward to the 4 hour layover in Chicago with the 6 1/2 year old.

...k....one of those 3 things is a lie.  LOLOL!

Four months plus 9-12 weeks........

They tried to extubate the wee one Monday—this while the parents were pulled together for a ‘family meeting’ with the medical team (surgeons, cardiologists, occupational therapists and all their ‘fellows’ that gather ‘round them like a flock of geese). 

The removal of the tube came with a bit of drama in and of itself.  The surgeon argued with the cardiologist before the weekend that the wee fella needed a few days of ‘rest’ before they removed the tube—they’d just inserted a tube to drain fluid from his lungs and he thought the month old baby could use a weekend of recuperation.  The cardiologist argued that the process needed to begin—the sooner the better.  The surgeon won—he’s the head professor for surgery at the University.  But then the cardiologist is the professor of cardiology….talk about an “A” team…..LOL

The weekend was far from ‘stress free’ for the wee thing, but the level of issues didn’t reach ‘high risk’. 

The tube came out and the family met for over an hour with the “A team”.

At this point they see the recovery much as we do—filled with twists and turns and issues which need to be attended to right where he’s at.  He’s progressed (drainage tubes are out, pacing wires are removed and they’ve started him on feedings through a tube) but it’s been a slow progression, wrought with one issue after another.  The chest tube to  drain the fluid that’s surrounding the lungs was a result of the feedings they introduced—each step forward seems to come with a ‘cost’.

The bottom line  is the baby won’t come home between now and the second surgery which is suppose to occur at 4 months of age.  That’s three more months in Philadelphia IF complications don’t push the surgery back a month or two.  And then there’s the recovery time from the second surgery….9-12 more weeks.

At best we’re looking at January for surgery—that’s IF the surgical team doesn’t take off for Tahiti on the Holidays and IF there’s no complications (*insert sarcastic laughter*).

And then there’s the 9-12 weeks  recovery time……That pushes us into May.

MAY….

M.A.Y.

*sigh*

The tube went back in last night.  He was struggling so hard his chest was heaving….and the girl was concerned because he ‘looked terrible’.   
We knew the odds were they’d have to re-intubate, but still…….. 
The surgeon, unaware the mom was behind the curtain pumping breast milk, entered into the room and talked to the wee one—lovingly calling him an ‘ungrateful little jerk’ after all the arguing he’d done to get him the weekend of rest!  Darn that she didn’t take a photo of his face when the she popped out from behind the curtain and whole heartedly agreed.  LOL

 It’s hard.  Being here while all that’s going on there…..knowing we don’t get to have the wee one home between surgeries, that he’ll continue to live in a hospital, isolated from his family and his home.  Knowing the girl will continue to be there—separated from her daughter and partner……

I need to stay grateful that we’re THIS far, that the wee fella is continuing to fight to come out the other side of this.  And I need to give note to the fact that the mom, who’s stayed with him the entire time (except for one night at home to make special cookies for the staff at the hospital in Iowa—yes she IS her mother’s child……) has an office in K.O.P. which is right down the road from Philadelphia and that her boss has approved her working from the hospital, from the office in K.O.P., from the room at the Ronald McDonald House where she’s staying—he doesn’t care where she does her job as long as she does it.   I need to stay grateful that the grandmother, who’s retired, can stay with the dad during the school week and help with the daily ‘stuff’ while the 6 year old skips off to school……

If none of that were available, I don’t know what we’d do and where we’d be in this whole ordeal.

What young family—what OLD family could (physically, emotionally & financially) afford to stay with their child for six months while they fight for their life……a thousand miles from their home.

I don’t believe that the second opinion just ‘happened’ to be in Philadelphia any more than I believe the fact that the office she worked from multiple times a year is right up the road is a ‘coincidence’.

Nor do I believe he randomly ended up with the “A team” that he has.

And I don’t believe he was gifted to our family by ‘a fluke’.

But I do believe in prayer.   I do believe G-d hears.  And I know His hand has been in this one since before we knew what ailed our wee little fella.

And so we all continue to pray……and hope…….and wrap our heads and our hearts around what we get to do TODAY to make a difference in the lives of the people we care about and hugely love….

4 weeks...2,034 pounds...

"Heart warriors", that's what they call babies with congenital heart defects.  That's what we have ... a heart warrior.

He's four weeks old today.  And they've been able to whittle him down to four pumps--we started at 14.  I'd say that's great progress.

Chest is back together--they removed the "oversized bandaid" 2 days ago.  There's talk about weaning him from the ventilator and potentially moving him from the cardiac intensive care unit to the critical care unit.  Maybe by the end of the week....maybe by the start of next week when he turns five weeks old, G-d willing.

It's a bit of a haze--it seems longer than four weeks, but it's only been four.  Maybe that's an indicator of what the heaviness does.  Maybe it's just the nature of the beast.

There has been a lot of good in the past week, a bit of drama (which the wee one is becoming famous for!), a few tears and a whole lotta loving.  Seems circumstances push the envelope on the loving bit.  At least it does for a whole bunch of us.

There are those that go the opposite direction.

The ones that distance themselves emotionally from the details and day by day/hour by hour reports on how our baby is fairing.  It's their way of insulating themselves, or attempting to convince themselves that they've insulated themselves.  I doubt it will work.  And, because it's fairly readable, I doubt it's understood by those on the other end of the spectrum--the ones who wear their heart on their sleeve and get teary asking questions and talking about the little fella.

I don't land on either extreme.  I switched into "doing mode" and find myself in tears at odd times....like dining out for lunch and losing it as a group of gals set up for a luncheon date with a new mom they were showering with presents and attention.  I remember the fleeting "We should have been doing that for the girl" thought....

Seems people accept that from me--the "doing mode"...not the teary eyed stuff.  People get nervous when that happens.  The good news is, I know how to "self correct".  Those teary eyed moments are very brief.

I'm too busy to indulge.  There's the job to do, the house and yard to maintain (Himself just returned from visiting his mother and kids.), and a six year old that needs consistency and stability....and routine.  So, because I promised I'd take care of her (along with the grandmother), that's what I've been doing....and checking in with the girl in Philadelphia, and doing errands for her and tending to the house and some of the yard work there.

But we took the 6 year old to the pumpkin patch and the pumpkin fest that we've done every year since she came into our lives.  We bought gourds and two big pumpkins for her house....not as big as the twothousandandthirtyfour pound winning pumpkin, but bigger than the ones I took home....cuz none came home with me.

Himself says it's just a plot to make a return trip to the pumpkin patch so I can buy more pumpkins and gourds.

Of course that's true.

Duh.

Anyone who knows an ounce about me knows that's true.

I'll also have to buy for the 6 year old again....cuz she'll be with us for Halloween and she'll need a pumpkin here, too.  

He hasn't figured that out yet....nor has he counted on the pumpkin we'll be carving for the wee one.

Yup.

I think we'll carve that pumpkin a simple heart.

After all, the wee one is a heart warrior.....

  

The Guardian of the Feeder

(When you finally get an evening free -- this is what you opt to do?!  LOL  Nice of her to sit mostly still for me!)

3 Weeks and 6 and a half years.......

They closed his chest on Sunday.  Much like the other surgery, they struggled to get his blood pressure regulated.  It would seem, after a couple blood infusions, that he's doing much better.  The patch over his little opened chest was bad enough--add paleness to that mix and.......I didn't share any of the photos with Bug until I felt they were 'okay' enough to share with a six year old.

We've been up front with her, best we can, since he was born.  She no longer talks in terms of 'when' her baby brother comes home, it's now 'if' he comes home.  Even with a successful surgery, there's still a long healing process with loads of complications that could change everything.  Today he's three weeks old--we didn't think he'd ever see that and we're all blown away and so blessed that he's been able to.

The surgeon has called the hospital every two hours since the surgery.  As the professor of surgery, he's got a vest interest in the wee one being able to go home with his parents, even if it means some degree of medical intervention.  The parents want that--the desire is to give their baby a chance of life with a loving family, no matter the circumstances.  There's no timeline, no guarantees--but the girl and her partner want a chance to bring the wee one home and to just love him because he's a precious thing.

I tell people the girl's not MY  daughter, MY child, MY....anything.  She's a child of G-d and I have the privilege of having her in my life to love.
The girl has a clearer understanding of what that means today.
She's done a wonderful job in the stinky circumstances.  I'm proud for her and proud of her.  She's had to make decisions I never dreamed she'd have to make....and made choices based not on her own selfish desires, but out of love.

We're so immensely grateful and overwhelmed by the loving support of people we know..and so many we don't know but surely WANT to come to know.  Friends, family, friends of friends,family of friends, coworkers and compassionate strangers have given to help with costs so the girl and her partner can be with the wee one.  There's been so many.
It's been emotionally overwhelming to be in the circumstances we've been in--and it's been equally emotionally overwhelming to break through barriers because someone let people know there were barriers that were getting in the way--physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Frankly, we were all too busy dealing with the chaos and pain that came with the package.  But that didn't stop others from chasing solutions and making things happen.
I get teary eyed just typing that out.
So may people have reached out to help.  It's been amazing....



Today the wee one is three weeks old.
We didn't anticipate having him this long--
We didn't anticipate there was another solution out there -- even if it wasn't a 'perfect solution', it was a chance,
And he's beat the odds so far.
Not without major amounts of drama--(I swear he's a drama magnet.) but three weeks is a miracle.  Every day is a miracle.

He's got 2 parents that love him without fail.  And a big sister who's rooting for him and wants him to be able to come home.  She's six years old and shouldn't have to contend with this--but she's contending with it well....asking hard questions and supporting mom and dad with great love.
And she loves her baby brother.  She loved him before he was born and she'll love him passionately forever.

She was going to be a giraffe for Halloween--and opted instead to be a cat.  I suspect she'll change her mind again before trick or treat happens, but she'll have ears, nose, paws and a tail to be a cat any time she likes.  Nana's a sucker like that....
And she now has a stuffie just like her brother's--so when she wants to pat him and whisper to him, she can whisper and pat the stuffie--cuz there's one laying next to him in Philadelphia and I'm SURE the messages she whispers get to her baby brother.
She spent the weekend whispering to the stuffed animal, carrying it with her from room to room. That's just a small example of a great love.

We'll all keep doing whatever gets placed in front of us--and we'll do it a day at a time.  We'll all go to bed at the end of the day drained....but we go to bed knowing we've loved well.
Whole hearted love--without reserve.

And somehow, we'll get the energy we need to do it all over again when the sun comes up--no matter how long or even IF the head's made the pillow.
I know where that energy comes from--and it's not from me.  I can't muster up nuffin' right now--except the commitment to do whatever's placed in front of me with great love--because it's not right to cheat others (and yourself) by doing less.

Bug reminds me of that--even with pointy ears, fuzzy paws and a swishy tail.....
She's brilliant like that.
And so I'll pay attention and follow the lead of the six year old.......

I'll do whatever needs done TODAY and I'll do it with great love.

Surgery #1 -- success!

Prayers and positive thoughts hold a lot of weight--I'm convinced G-d hears....

The wee one (pictured looking a bit medicated this a.m. with Ella Stuffie--the one Nana says he can't be without!) went in for surgery at 8:30am was finished at 2pm and moved to recovery at 2:30.  The booger took less time getting step 1 (of 3 heart surgeries) done than his Nana did getting a broken leg fixed.  :-/  I'd be a little envious, but I'm so flipping relieved I can't be anything but.......relieved....and grateful.

The surgeons were pleased with how surgery went.  They'll leave his wee chest opened for 2-3 days before closing it back up.  They put a drain in his tummy where fluid had been collecting and they're running tests to make sure there's no reason for concern.  The next 24-48 hours are still high risk--it's that delicate balancing act with medications in a wee person.  I'll try to remain hopeful--  The stinker has this deal about drama.  Time and time again....JUST when you think you can breathe and relax a minute....more drama.....  

For the moment, I'll try to remain grateful and relieved for THIS moment to have ended with success.

....CHOP

There's something weird about a children's hospital going by "CHOP".  

The wee fella had his first airplane ride--at 2 weeks of age.  Quite the birthday prezzie if you ask me.

The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia provided the mom and dad with the second opinion--and gave the wee one a 50/50 chance of surviving the first surgery.  He'll need three (at least) heart operations and, if he survives, a transplant when he turns 12 or 13.

How could you NOT take the chance?  The other option was to do nothing and opt for 'compassionate care'.  They took the chance.  And the photo is himself arriving at the Philadelphia airport.  They were kind and let the mom go with him in the plane.  The dad had already left for Philadelphia.  In fact, the dad was IN Philadelphia before the baby was.

Mostly because they had the wee fella loaded up and in the plane on Sunday......and decided there was a malfunction with the plane and the equipment necessary for moving the baby from point A to point B.  So back they went to the hospital in Iowa City.....and they promised they'd send a different plane and different equipment Monday--which they did.  And that's how dad ended up there before the baby!  It's also the story of how Nana got to spend the night with the wee fella and mom before they departed Monday.  It's also how I managed to make Monday's departure without falling apart.  I did all that on Sunday, dontchaknow......

There was something about seeing the elevator doors closing with the mom and the baby ( along with 5 CHOP personnel), knowing that might very well be the last time you see your grandson....knowing your child was going through all this 'stuff' without your physical presence..  *sigh*  Still hurts my heart to be here while she's there contending with everything (not alone, mind you....just without me....).

No tears on Monday.

She asked me to be HERE to help take care of the Bug.

So that's what I'm doing....that's what both 'grandmothers' are doing.

No tears today.  I grabbed soccer shorts, long sleeve shirts and new shin guards for the Bug since she started soccer practice this evening.

So no tears today--just a lot of lovin' from the 6 year old.

But Thursday....when the wee fella goes into surgery?  .....One way or the other, there's going to be tears.

I can hope and pray for 'good' outcomes, but I don't know what's 'good' in this case.  I just don't.... So I'll just pray and thank the Big Guy for giving me the time I've had with the wee one and for taking such good care of the mom and dad right now.

And I'll say 'Amen'

.....but I'll be meaning "but you KNOW what I want".....  

I'm sassy like that. 

And that wee thing--he's so stinkin' cute.....  

*sigh*

The labour of love

He was bourne on Labor Day.  

Cute little booger....

I took this just minutes before he stopped breathing in his mother's arms. 

He celebrated 2 1/2 hours of normal living before it all went upside down.

Three heart defects, complicated by Downs Syndrome....

20% success rate for each of the three needed surgeries, and subsequent heart transplant, with the healthiest of Downs Syndrome babies--and he's far from one of the healthiest.  Yesterday they told us surgery wasn't an option.

There's a second opinion due today from a high caliber children's hospital--but we don't expect the answer to be different.  It's a matter of what the parents needed to do to be at peace.  Even if the numbers are a bit higher, the doctors aren't convinced he would survive the transfer.  Things are just too fragile.  Multiple times a minute they're in the room adjusting something or other to sustain life in a very controlled environment. 

Attempts to remove him from the machines controlling his breathing weren't  successful and didn't lend to the hope of something different for this small fella that's my grandchild.

Today, the parents are allowing friends and family to visit for the first time.  It's just been the two grandmothers and two close friends to the parents, to date.  It's all they could handle.

Baptised yesterday...tomorrow he'll be removed from the machines and will be held by his mother and father until he finds eternal rest.

No, it's not 'right' or 'fair'. 

But G-d chose the two VERY best parents He could find to love this wee fella from the moment of inception to the moment he goes to heaven.

Another Captured Memory...

Oh, the things that make Mel Happy!

It's been a few months now. Good grief..........MONTHS.....

Lots of 'stuff' happens in my life in the course of HOURS--Give it a few days and it's insane to keep track of the comings and goings and doings that make up just a small piece of 'life with Mel'.  
Months--holy cow...a whole LOT has happened.  LOL  Just not much of which I recall, of course....  So, really--not much of importance has happened.

Yaknow.....I'm not sure what, if anything, I've accomplished by taking a hiatus from several pieces of, what used to be,  central parts of my routine for a very long time.  Maybe nothing was accomplished.
But I don't know that I was trying to 'accomplish' anything.

Yaknow....truth be told, I think the circumstances were in charge of my life more than I was--by my choice, of course.  Nothing happens in my world by accident and darn little happens in my life without my permission.

I think it's fair to say I got weary.  Still am, some moments.  Dealing with chronic pain, chronic lack of sleep and a touch of depression along with some really SCREWED UP thinking--it sorta wears and tears away at you.  Or at least it tears away at me.

Heck-- I'm still trying to recover from that broken leg that happened at the end of 2012.  I still haven't done it.
No wait....I'm still trying to get the life back that I HAD before the leg broke.  I think I'm AS recovered from the broken-ness as I'm going to be.
I don't get to have that life back.  I get to move forward with the life I now have, with the circumstances that are now the reality.  And really, my circumstances are a whole lot better than some folks I know--a whole lot better than they were before and could be again.

Wow--yaknow....I really do have a good life.  Not all my circumstances are the ultimate when it comes to circumstances, but my LIFE is truly awesome.

And....with that--I'm going to get on with what I know to do cuz it's what I know.


Things that make Mel HAPPY!

....Butterfly invasions on the buddleiahs.

....Buying wee stuff for the grandson we're expecting soon.

....The upcoming weekend with the Bug.

....The freshly painted porch.

....Patio swinging with the hummers.

....Skirts on sale..more than one, even!

....Putting himself on the plane to visit his mum.

....Buying lunch for the couple who sat behind us in Cheddars...and the joy on himself's face when we pulled it off.  :-)

Life is very, very good INDEED!

The smell of white

Waltzing

Why can't I get ahead of this STUFF?!
It seems the solution to every speed bump that's happening pushes me back three steps.  I'm accustomed to two forward and one back--but this three back is starting to really piss me off.
Coming off the no longer effective pain medication is making me wonder if it WAS effective.  Certainly I wouldn't be having this level of pain if it weren't.  And nausea.  And sweats.  And forgetfulness past what I can deal with.  How long do I put up with this before I call the doc and tell them to put me back on what I thought wasn't working cuz it obviously was and I'll deal with the nutzoid thinking...cuz I can't do this much longer.
Talk about nutz...I won't sit down at work cuz I know getting up is gonna surpass the pain of just staying on my feet.

I'm getting really pissy about this.  Something has to give.
On the plus side, it's such a treat to leave the house mid morning with "I'm going to go play with the kiddos now!".  Sounds just as joy filled as it is.

That's my two forward for right now.  It's the three back that's pissing me off.

He's baccckkkk

Daily Reminder

Let go of the drama. Tie up loose ends. If you know where you're at with someone, you can be diplomatic, but be as clear as you can be.

Be clear with yourself,too. Watch the behavior of other people. Are they making excuses to you why they can't be with you? Are you making excuses about why they don't call? Some of us wait a long time for someone who's not even thinking about us.

Stop telling others what they want to hear, when that's not the truth. Stop telling yourself what you want to hear, when what you're telling yourself isn't true, either. Don't leave other people hanging. Don't put yourself on hold.

Be as clear as you can be, with other people and with yourself.

It's ths compassionate thing to do.

pfffttt.....*sigh*

I've not made the time to be here, to put things into black and white, to look at how change has been for the good.  I've been putting my energy into correcting my thinking evrry time my brain starts to want to do the math and come up with a negative result.  It's tough not to do that right now.
Now is not the optimal time to come off pain medications that have clearly been the source of some fairly messed up thinking.
If ya want a lot of attention REALLY fast, tell your physician some of those messy thoughts.  You get to meet all sorts of professionals in the field of mental health.
It was all I could do to not laugh.  It's not that I don't know what suicidal ideations look like.  I ought to be credible when I assure them that's not the case.
And to debate if it's the medications or me--seemed silly.  But the end result was to remove me from the medication.  Frankly, my joking about becoming the commercial's lengthy list of warnings wasn't a good choice....especially given the audience I was playing to.

And now there's the temporary reassignment into direct care.  It's something I'm very good at, something I enjoy and love dearly.  Getting to work with kiddos and families is something I lamented losing.  And now that I get to....*sigh*  Make it make sense that I'm struggling with it.
Maybe it's the change of hours, maybe it's the change of kiddos (boys versus girls), maybe it's the role they asked me to step into....maybe it's simply the timing or the fact that it's spring or that the grass is growing.  LOL. None of it makes sense in my brain, nor does it make sense in black and white.
This is why I haven't bothered.  It makes no sense....but still, it's where I'm at.

Despite my boss telling me over and over again, I wonder what the agenda is.  My brain tells me there's a hidden one.
*sigh*
I'm going to blame that on the medications, too.

Right.....see above, Mel....

Daily Thought

I am a creative being. 

I have the power of reason, the ability to think, hope and dream. 

I can envision my life not only as it is, but as I might wish it to be. 

 I can then think through the steps I might need to become more of who I am. 

I have the power to think my way into a happy point of view, to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. 

My mind can be my greatest enemy or my greatest ally. 

It depends on how I choose to use it.

Fairy Reminder

Take Better Care of Yourself

Take better care of yourself than you ever have before. That's what your heart is telling you to do.

Those times of driving yourself, depriving yourself, not being gentle and loving with yourself will no longer work. Punishing, criticizing, repressing, and denying won't bring the feelings, the growth, the result you're seeking. The harder you push, the more you relentlessly demand perfection, the worse you'll feel.

Fall in love with yourself. Be gentle, loving, kind, and attentive. Take time throughout each day to tend to your needs, just as you would tend to someone you loved deeply and dearly. Loving and caring for yourself this way won't waste time. It's not a delay. Take better care of yourself, and life's magic will return. Your life will improve. You'll feel better,too.

TFTD

In all the busyness and living, there needs to be mindfulness and careful attention paid to another part of life, too. That part is the repetitive and natural cycle that some people call "the void."

It's an empty space in our lives.

The void can be a small space in our lives—lasting a few days or weeks. Or it can go on longer. That relationship has ended. We're alone. We don't know what to do next. Or that cycle in our lives has ended– maybe we've graduated from school or college, and we don't know where to go next. Maybe our time as a parent has ended. Maybe someone we loved, a roommate or best friend, who was an important part of our lives has moved away.

Don't be afraid of the void. Postpone it for a while, if you must. Linger at dinner with friends, refusing to finish your dessert. As dark, cold, and empty as it feels, the void is a friendly place. Its rhythms are slower and often more confusing than other cycles in our lives, but the rhythms of this cycle are still there.

Remember those quiet times in your life, the ones you've gone through before, when one cycle has ended and another has not yet begun. Remind yourself when that void comes along that you don't have to be frightened of it. It's not the end. It's only a creative and necessary pause, a cycle of its own, in the cycles and rhythms of life.

Thought for Today

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.
–Agnes DeMille

The day ahead offers us choices of many kinds–some big ones, many that will affect other persons close to us, a few that will have profound effects on our destiny. But no choice, no decision we make, will be wrong. A particular decision may lead us slightly astray. Down a dead-end path perhaps–but we can always turn back and choose again.

We are seldom aware of the gravity of a particular choice at the time of making it. Only hindsight reveals the wisdom of an important choice. Nevertheless, no choice is without importance in the overall picture of our lives. And at the same time, no choice is all-powerful regarding our destiny. We are offered chances again and again for making the right choices, the ones that will most contribute to the bigger plan for our lives.

Daily Reading

The Old Man said,`you are both ugly and handsome and you must accept your ugliness as well as your handsomeness in order to really accept yourself."
–Larry P. Aitken, CHIPPEWA

My Grandfather told me one time that any person who is judgmental to another is also judgmental to themselves. If we want to be free of being judgmental, we need to first work on how judgmental we are to ourselves. If we quit judging ourselves and start accepting ourselves as we are, we will start accepting others as they are. Then we will experience a level of new freedom.

TFTD

Personal Gains

One of the hard lessons of life is that we can't always "win" in the worldly game for prestige, power, and property. It is especially galling to see rewards going to others that don't seem to have earned them. Much of the world's conflict, in fact, grows out of disputes over what rightfully belongs to whom.

Todaye need a higher perspective than what we're likely to find in the brawling world around us. Rather than demanding rights to anything, we should know that everything is part of a spiritual world. The real meaning of the last line of The Lord's Prayer is that all power, prestige, and property belong to our Higher Power. Whatever we have or will acquire is only temporary, at best, and can easily be lost through wrong thinking and bad actions.

Emmet Fox, whose writings guided the early A members, taught that we possess things only through "rights of consciousness." In perfectly legitimate ways, we will always possess whatever is necessary for our real work in this life. If one door closes, another will always open. We do not have to envy anything that others possess, nor should we attempt to wrestle it from them. God will always lead us to whatever we need for our highest good.

Daily Reflection

Procrastination

Procrastination – not acting when the time is right – is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do.

We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes, doing a thing before the time is right can be as self-defeating as waiting too long.

We can learn to discern the difference. Listen to yourself. Listen to the Universe. What is past due and creating anxiety and prodding within you?

Is there something in your life you are avoiding because you don't want to face it? Is there a building anxiety from putting this off?

Sometimes anger, fear, or feeling helpless can motivate procrastination. Sometimes, procrastination has simply become habitual.

Trust and listen to yourself, and the Universe. Watch for signs and signals. If it is time to do something, do it now. If it is not yet time, wait until the time is right.

Today's Reminder

I look in the mirror through the eyes of the child that was me.

–Judy Collins

The child within each of us is fragile, but very much alive, and she interprets our experiences before we are even conscious of them. It is our child who may fear new places, unfamiliar people, strange situations. Our child needs nurturing, the kind she may not have received in the past. We can take her hand, coax her along, let her know she won't be abandoned. No new place, unfamiliar person, or strange situation need overwhelm her.

It's quite amazing the strength that comes to us when we nurture ourselves, when we acknowledge the scared child within and hold her, making her secure. We face nothing alone. Together, we can face anything.

Daily Reading

Letting Go of Worry

What if we knew for certain that everything we’re worried about today will work out fine?

What if . . . we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we’d be grateful for that problem, and its solution?

What if . . . we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?

What if . . . we had a guarantee that everything that’s happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?

What if . . . we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they’re intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don’t have to control or take responsibility for them?

What if . . . we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?

What if . . . we knew everything was okay, and we didn’t have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?

We’d be free to let go and enjoy life.

Hard Call Fairy

A hard call is when we don't like either choice, but one option is unacceptable. Hard calls can take many shapes and forms. We may love someone who has a serious drinking problem and simply decide we can't live with him or her– despite how we feel about the person. We may love someone who has physically abused us or displayed signs of violent behavior, while our feelings may be genuine, so is the danger. We can be faced with hard calls at work. At one point in my life, I could barely tolerate my supervisors. But I liked the work I was doing. I decided to stay; I'm still glad I did.

Hard calls are a part of life. They force us to examine our values and determine what's genuinely important to us. They insist that we choose the path that's in our highest good.

Hearts in spring

The Giving Fairy

Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving – charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.

We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.

Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.

Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; that we refused to give, care, or love for a time.

That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal is balance – caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.

The goal is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal is to give and not feel victimized by our giving.

Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?

Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?

Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?

Living a balanced life includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.

TFTD

Believe me, every man has his secret sorrow, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man col when he is only sad.

– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Let a person seem aloof or display a need to be apart from others, and we automatically assume we are getting a old shoulder. yet none of us has any ideas of all the components of another person's life and feelings. We're usually ignorant of others people's personal characteristics. Sadness, shyness, and fear are just a few traits which can be misinterpreted.

Little disappointments, large failures, loss of a dream or a loved one — these are all problems which any one of us can have, but few can share. We can choose to overlook the real and imagined wrongs of others by reminding ourselves of how little we really know of each other.

TFTD

There the penitents took off their shoes And walked barefoot the remaining mile.

—Robert Lowell

Some people have to have pain. If dirt doesn't fall on their heads from the sky, they sulk in corners and hope their flesh turns to dust. They do everything the hard way, even when they know better, and often complain and accuse others for their pain. For people like this, even the song of a bird is a bother. It's better to smile when people like that accuse. It's better to wear shoes when walking on stones, better to take the shortest way. There is weeping and wailing enough in the world, dumps full of worn-out guilt and remorse. When the bird sings, it's better to look up and see that it beats its wings not to punish itself, but to fly.

Unfurled

Cars will stop today for bandages and all sorts of medical advice.  I'm gonna take a number and get in line.

Next week I have an appointment with the Pain Medicines Physician.  I met the man once before and didn't leave with a good impression.  He didn't know what I was doing there and the receptionist gave him the BOX of medical information my insurance folks had sent him weeks before I was to see him.  Duh!  *sigh*  If anything, perhaps I ought to be unimpressed by his clerical staff and reserve my skepticism of his medical expertise.  He DID rattle off a host of other things that could be tried--and scripted me an increase to the breakthrough pain medications which I turned into the pharmacist but didn't fill because he wasn't my physician at the time and I had an appointment to see HER the following week.

THAT appointment turned into a clustered mess which resulted in me seeing her student who somehow concluded that I was stable on the medications, refused (understandably, because I had just gotten a script for 120 pain pills) to script breakthrough pain medications, concluded they weren't effective so discontinued them and released me to my primary physician.  It was so messed up my insurers were shaking their heads and concluding that, rather than returning me to that Pain Medicines Physician, they were sending me back to the fella who had my BOX of medical records and getting me help somewhere else.

I was included in the decision making--he has the information and can now work me, hopefully with some success.

I'm VERY displeased with the weight gain.  Who wouldn't be.  I'm struggling with the escalating pain which I cannot manage effectively.  But more than that, I'm becoming concerned about some of the 'blips' my brain is having.  NOT that I don't already have weird thinking.  But that's thinking and not 'blips'.  I have no plans to act on the 'blips'.  But because I don't seem to have control of those 'blips', I thought it best to report them to someone....so I did.

I know it's not my normal weird thinking to have this sudden 'blip' of wondering what it would feel like to drive my car into a speeding train, or what it would feel like to drive my car into a concrete embankment, or what it would feel like to seal myself in a garage and die from asphyxiation, or what it would feel like to be out of my body watching himself finding me dead in the garage.  Whoaaaa....

Putting it in black and white makes it LOOK as scary as it must have sounded to the WPIML when I talked to him.....who told me I needed to tell himself and to get in to the Pain Medicines Physician.

Both have been done.  The result is fear, of course.  Not on my part.  I think those 'blips' are just plain weird, but not in the 'normal', entertaining way that my 'normal weird thinking' is.  I don't have any desire to act on any of those 'blips'.  But WPIML had the concern that if I can't control THOSE, what's to say I won't lose control of my actions.

That bit even scared me, though I doubt there'll be time for that given the onset of the 'blips' wasn't sudden and it's not pervasive....yet.

Yup, I need to be first in line for medical attention.  Darn that the flag outside isn't REALLY the Red Cross.  Cuz my mind is a disaster.  LOL. I think I've become that annoying commercial that lists off every side effect under the sun, up to and including eating butterflies.

Sheeessshhh.....

I don't think a Snoopy Bandaid is gonna fix this one, but I'm gonna put one on JUST in case!  :-)

Daily Reminder

When others approve of what we do or say, we feel good; when they disapprove, we feel bad. Their opinions of us, and how those opinions make us feel, can have positive value. By making us feel good about steering a straight course, they encourage us to continue doing so. "People-pleasing" is something else entirely. We "people-please" when we do things, right or wrong, solely to gain another person's approval.

Low self-esteem can make us think we need someone else's approval to feel okay about ourselves. We do whatever we think it will take to make them tell us we're okay We feel good for awhile. Then we start hurting. In trying to please another person, we've diminished ourselves and our values. We realize that the approval of others will not fill the emptiness inside us.

The inner satisfaction we seek can be found in doing the right things for the right reasons. We break the people-pleasing cycle when we stop acting merely to gain others' approval and start acting on our Higher Power's will for us. When we do, we may be pleasantly surprised to find that the people who really count in our lives will approve all the more of our behavior. Most importantly, though, we will approve of ourselves.

Today's Reminder

The world is a wheel always turning. Those who are high go down low, and those who've been low go up higher.

–Anzia Yezierska

Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. And letting go of the way things are, anticipating instead what they might become, frees us to live each moment more fully.

Time marches on, and our destiny marches with it. There is purpose in how our lives unfold, the ups and downs serve our growth. We must neither resent the doldrums nor savor too long the elation. Giving too much attention to either state interferes with our awareness of the present. And the present has come to teach us.

We must move with time. We must focus our attention on the moment and accept whatever feelings each experience elicits. Emotional maturity is accepting our feelings and letting them go and facing instead the next moment with fresh receptivity. Our lessons are many, and they accompany the lows as well as the highs. We can be grateful for both.

We have freedom from lingering lows. We have the tools to move confidently forward, trusting that all is well. Nothing lasts forever, and within each struggle is the opportunity for real growth.