Baby number one arrived yesterday. That leaves baby number two, three and four.
All I can say is "It musta been a damn cold winter!"
Don't get me wrong, I like babies when they're someone elses and I don't haffta be responsible for them. But I gotta admit, I'd be hard pressed to say something kind about having four pregnant people on staff---bellies, aches and pains--good grief, the other day the gal lifted her shirt to show another just how big she was! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT, thanksverymuch.
Thankfully, my secretary has a bit more discretion--she didn't respond in kind. Though she did tell me she has a tough time just getting outta the chair nowadays--so that decision mighta been made for her.
That and she knows better....LOL
C'mon babies number two, three and four!!
Who am I kidding--THEN it'll be about poopy diapers, baby sales and upchucking infants.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Simple Two Years
We celebrated two years of marriage on Saturday. Wierdest darn thing..
On one hand, it feels like we've been loving each other forever. On the other hand, it feels like we've just entered into this marriage deal--which is just too wierd.
And I honestly have no complaints.
None.
Zip.
Zilch.
As much as we give each other a hard time about weekly boxcars (his quirk) and Halloween and 'sales!' (my quirks).....neither of us would change a damn thing about the other. We wouldn't want to even if we could. It's what makes him, him--it's what makes me, me. Eerie, but darn true.
Ya know, all my life I wandered around rather fickle about love and marriage and intimate relationships period. I thought I knew. I really and honestly and TRULY thought I KNEW what loving was all about. And all that I know today is everything is backasswards to how I thought it was suppose to be. I quit forcing things to be like they were 'suppose to be' and started embracing the idea that things WERE as they WERE and THAT was exactly as they were suppose to be.
It's just more proof about the more I learn, the stupider I discover I am. Or maybe it's just ignorance.
I do know that I own a gazillion self help books that need to find their way to some unsuspecting person who wants to fill their heads with their nonsense. Cuz parts of it apply--but when you miss the bigger picture--NONE of it works as a whole.
It's easy.
It's so darn freaking simple it's scary.
And it's nothing I've experienced EVER.
I have someone who believes in me, who loves me, who sees ME exactly as I am today. And that's more than enough.
And I'm graced to be clear that I don't get to change squat about anyone BUT me--which leaves me clear what I'll get to change about the Brit--which brings me to acceptance of what I'd LIKE to change, which is zilch. Darndest thing to not want to change anything or anyone....and to not HAVE to change anything for anyone today.
It's easy.
It's simple.
It's doable.
It's just not marketable...LOL Cuz someone once told me how very simple it was and I refused to believe them.
*whacking self on the head*
There are three basic things I remind myself of daily.
I cannot guard my heart.
I get to love as I've always wanted to love.
And I get to remember and fulfill MY job description.
Maybe I oughta patent those before I hit the print button.. LOL
Nahhhh..nobody's buy 'em.
Too darn simple.
*shrugs*
On one hand, it feels like we've been loving each other forever. On the other hand, it feels like we've just entered into this marriage deal--which is just too wierd.
And I honestly have no complaints.
None.
Zip.
Zilch.
As much as we give each other a hard time about weekly boxcars (his quirk) and Halloween and 'sales!' (my quirks).....neither of us would change a damn thing about the other. We wouldn't want to even if we could. It's what makes him, him--it's what makes me, me. Eerie, but darn true.
Ya know, all my life I wandered around rather fickle about love and marriage and intimate relationships period. I thought I knew. I really and honestly and TRULY thought I KNEW what loving was all about. And all that I know today is everything is backasswards to how I thought it was suppose to be. I quit forcing things to be like they were 'suppose to be' and started embracing the idea that things WERE as they WERE and THAT was exactly as they were suppose to be.
It's just more proof about the more I learn, the stupider I discover I am. Or maybe it's just ignorance.
I do know that I own a gazillion self help books that need to find their way to some unsuspecting person who wants to fill their heads with their nonsense. Cuz parts of it apply--but when you miss the bigger picture--NONE of it works as a whole.
It's easy.
It's so darn freaking simple it's scary.
And it's nothing I've experienced EVER.
I have someone who believes in me, who loves me, who sees ME exactly as I am today. And that's more than enough.
And I'm graced to be clear that I don't get to change squat about anyone BUT me--which leaves me clear what I'll get to change about the Brit--which brings me to acceptance of what I'd LIKE to change, which is zilch. Darndest thing to not want to change anything or anyone....and to not HAVE to change anything for anyone today.
It's easy.
It's simple.
It's doable.
It's just not marketable...LOL Cuz someone once told me how very simple it was and I refused to believe them.
*whacking self on the head*
There are three basic things I remind myself of daily.
I cannot guard my heart.
I get to love as I've always wanted to love.
And I get to remember and fulfill MY job description.
Maybe I oughta patent those before I hit the print button.. LOL
Nahhhh..nobody's buy 'em.
Too darn simple.
*shrugs*
P.U.S.H.
I needed this gentle reminder today:
A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled withlight, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do,and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to Push against the rock with all his might...
So, this the man did, day after day.
For many years he toiled from sunup tosundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, Pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent invain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan)decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: ( He will do it every time )"You have been Pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn'tmoved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to The Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to Push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to Push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure,your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, youhaven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be Obedient and to Push and to exercise your Faith and trust in My Wisdom. That you have done. Now, I, my friend, will move the rock."
At times, when we hear a Word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He Wants, when actually what God wants is just Simple Obedience and Faith in Him.
By all means, exercise The Faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God Who Moves The Mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong... just P.U.S.H.!
When the job gets you down... just P.U.S.H.!
When people don't do as you think they should... just P.U.S.H .!
When you can't find the right work... just P.U.S.H.!
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due... just P.U.S.H!
When people just don't understand you... just P.U.S.H.!
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled withlight, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do,and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to Push against the rock with all his might...
So, this the man did, day after day.
For many years he toiled from sunup tosundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, Pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent invain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan)decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: ( He will do it every time )"You have been Pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn'tmoved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to The Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to Push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to Push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure,your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, youhaven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be Obedient and to Push and to exercise your Faith and trust in My Wisdom. That you have done. Now, I, my friend, will move the rock."
At times, when we hear a Word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He Wants, when actually what God wants is just Simple Obedience and Faith in Him.
By all means, exercise The Faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God Who Moves The Mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong... just P.U.S.H.!
When the job gets you down... just P.U.S.H.!
When people don't do as you think they should... just P.U.S.H .!
When you can't find the right work... just P.U.S.H.!
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due... just P.U.S.H!
When people just don't understand you... just P.U.S.H.!
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Don't be taking yourself so damn seriously..
Okay, I admit it--sometimes I can take life a bit too serious! I get caught up in the hubbub and forget that I just cannot take life or ME so dang seriously--it gets a bit nutted up if I do!
So, I'm whining and whinging about this stupid back of mine. Yeah, yeah--two weeks ago I decided I was superwoman and would move 100 pounds of compost all by my little lonesome--at about the exact time the Brit was telling me "wait, hold up, don't move that by yourself, wait....I'll.....why DID you do that?!". LOL Okay, so I AM stubborn. And as a direct result of my stubbornness, I've been hobbling around, walking like some delapidated woman of 100 years, reassuring people--'No, no....I'm fine, realllllllly.' Gimme a break--the whole world knows I am NOT fine....LOL
Yeah, yeah...I'm doing the MRI today (after cancelling it twice...LOL) and it's being taken care of.
Last night was the 'I cannot get comfortable in this bed' moment and I was that sloth in "Ice Age" x10! Flopping and tossing and working to find JUST the right spot, whining and carrying on..LOL
Himself reminds me, once again, that my troubles are of my own making--YES, DEAR--I KNOW THIS! (as I'm stealing his pillow cuz I'm SURE one more will do JUST right!)
And the phone rings.
OUT of bed himself goes--cuz G-D forbid I have to leave and start all over again trying to find a comfy spot.
And it's for me.Wiseperson in my life--so I get handed the phone with a 'it's for you, dear'.
"This is Mel"
"Are you done whining yet?" (gee, what a greeting...LOL)
"Awwwww....c'mon.....WHO TOLD?" (cast an evil look at the Brit for that one)
"I could hear ya all the way over here........are you DONE yet?"
"I'm NOT whining." (cast another look at the Brit who was about to disagree and burst into laughter)
"ARE YOU DONE YET?"
(mean mugging the phone and sticking my tongue out at it) "yes....I'm done now, thankyou."
"Call me after you hear about the MRI".
"Yes thank you, I think I'd like to DO that"
"And quit whining"
"....uh huh....I'd like to do that too"
"And don't be taking yourself so damn seriously"
"OKAY, already! I said I WAS DONE!" (sheeeeeshhhhh)
WHY oh WHY did I marry a man who can smirk in the dark and I can FEEL it?
*hhhhmmmmphhhh!*
So, I'm whining and whinging about this stupid back of mine. Yeah, yeah--two weeks ago I decided I was superwoman and would move 100 pounds of compost all by my little lonesome--at about the exact time the Brit was telling me "wait, hold up, don't move that by yourself, wait....I'll.....why DID you do that?!". LOL Okay, so I AM stubborn. And as a direct result of my stubbornness, I've been hobbling around, walking like some delapidated woman of 100 years, reassuring people--'No, no....I'm fine, realllllllly.' Gimme a break--the whole world knows I am NOT fine....LOL
Yeah, yeah...I'm doing the MRI today (after cancelling it twice...LOL) and it's being taken care of.
Last night was the 'I cannot get comfortable in this bed' moment and I was that sloth in "Ice Age" x10! Flopping and tossing and working to find JUST the right spot, whining and carrying on..LOL
Himself reminds me, once again, that my troubles are of my own making--YES, DEAR--I KNOW THIS! (as I'm stealing his pillow cuz I'm SURE one more will do JUST right!)
And the phone rings.
OUT of bed himself goes--cuz G-D forbid I have to leave and start all over again trying to find a comfy spot.
And it's for me.Wiseperson in my life--so I get handed the phone with a 'it's for you, dear'.
"This is Mel"
"Are you done whining yet?" (gee, what a greeting...LOL)
"Awwwww....c'mon.....WHO TOLD?" (cast an evil look at the Brit for that one)
"I could hear ya all the way over here........are you DONE yet?"
"I'm NOT whining." (cast another look at the Brit who was about to disagree and burst into laughter)
"ARE YOU DONE YET?"
(mean mugging the phone and sticking my tongue out at it) "yes....I'm done now, thankyou."
"Call me after you hear about the MRI".
"Yes thank you, I think I'd like to DO that"
"And quit whining"
"....uh huh....I'd like to do that too"
"And don't be taking yourself so damn seriously"
"OKAY, already! I said I WAS DONE!" (sheeeeeshhhhh)
WHY oh WHY did I marry a man who can smirk in the dark and I can FEEL it?
*hhhhmmmmphhhh!*
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
G-d's plan versus mine
I tried to discharge Crystal some six months ago.
I have this huge heart--a soft spot for tough kids, the ones no one wants to pick up cuz they'll leave a bad mark on their treatment report card. Crystal came from a putrid situation--mom was an addict and had a stormy first marriage that she got out of and immediately got hooked up with an addict boyfriend who liked to abuse the kiddos. Crystal was one of his victims over and over again. Not a happy story--one of those horror stories of what grownups should be shot for doing to a kid of five seven and eight years of age. I felt bad for Crystal--cuz once the courts intervened and removed the kiddos after mom was murdered--there was way lots of damage to the kiddo.
Crystal ended up being adopted and that turned out to be a mess--from the frying pan into the fire. Sadly so.
So she's an angry kiddo and she didn't want treatment. She tried running away, she tried being violent. Hitting adults when they're trying to get to the bottom of the garbage is one thing--but hitting another kiddo is a whole different ball of wax for me.
I tried to discharge the kiddo when she attacked another student....and couldn't. Thank you very much--I'd LOVE to keep a kiddo that attacked another one. Boy--that was a battle to endure cuz I believe so much in the need for everyone to feel safe. And people didn't.
Not the adults caring for her.....nor the other kiddos around her.
And I, in my infinite wisdom decided since we couldn't out and out discharge her because of other legal garbage, we were gonna GET this kid going in another direction if it was the last thing I did.
SOMEONE had to believe in her greatness--and it was obviously going to have to be ME. Cuz if I couldn't sell it to the rest of the grownups working with her--it wasn't going to work.
I tried danm hard to place that child.
And six months later?
Wellllllll.......Today, I put her on the school bus for public school--and honestly, she passed me in the hallway and I did not recognize the child. She's beautiful and she radiates happiness. And G-d bless YOU for making me do the journey with the child. Cuz it was worth it.
And I know why she's with us today.
Cuz at the end of last week that call was going to come in, that they were going to be looking for another child and I was going to recognize the name as being Crystals' before she was adopted.....and I was going to be the one to break her confidence to the Seargent who was desperately looking for CindyLou to let her know her biological father had died and was buried with full military honours.....that he'd provided for her and he'd talked about her all the time, wondering how she was doing, if she was getting good marks in school, hoping she'd go to college and have a good life. And that child who'd lost hope for a better tomorrow because of where she'd come from was going to have another opportunity of a lifetime. And today I know that we were just the vehicle to help her get to where she'd need to be so what was started so long ago could be 'righted'. The military will establish the trust fund, college will be paid through age 23 and she's invited to the company's Christmas party cuz they want to be able to give her something in honour of her dad.
I'm amazed to say that G-d's taken very good care of that kiddo.
And today, I know why I didn't 'get' to discharge her and end our time together.
And I'm damn glad that every door closed for me to be able to do that.
I have this huge heart--a soft spot for tough kids, the ones no one wants to pick up cuz they'll leave a bad mark on their treatment report card. Crystal came from a putrid situation--mom was an addict and had a stormy first marriage that she got out of and immediately got hooked up with an addict boyfriend who liked to abuse the kiddos. Crystal was one of his victims over and over again. Not a happy story--one of those horror stories of what grownups should be shot for doing to a kid of five seven and eight years of age. I felt bad for Crystal--cuz once the courts intervened and removed the kiddos after mom was murdered--there was way lots of damage to the kiddo.
Crystal ended up being adopted and that turned out to be a mess--from the frying pan into the fire. Sadly so.
So she's an angry kiddo and she didn't want treatment. She tried running away, she tried being violent. Hitting adults when they're trying to get to the bottom of the garbage is one thing--but hitting another kiddo is a whole different ball of wax for me.
I tried to discharge the kiddo when she attacked another student....and couldn't. Thank you very much--I'd LOVE to keep a kiddo that attacked another one. Boy--that was a battle to endure cuz I believe so much in the need for everyone to feel safe. And people didn't.
Not the adults caring for her.....nor the other kiddos around her.
And I, in my infinite wisdom decided since we couldn't out and out discharge her because of other legal garbage, we were gonna GET this kid going in another direction if it was the last thing I did.
SOMEONE had to believe in her greatness--and it was obviously going to have to be ME. Cuz if I couldn't sell it to the rest of the grownups working with her--it wasn't going to work.
I tried danm hard to place that child.
And six months later?
Wellllllll.......Today, I put her on the school bus for public school--and honestly, she passed me in the hallway and I did not recognize the child. She's beautiful and she radiates happiness. And G-d bless YOU for making me do the journey with the child. Cuz it was worth it.
And I know why she's with us today.
Cuz at the end of last week that call was going to come in, that they were going to be looking for another child and I was going to recognize the name as being Crystals' before she was adopted.....and I was going to be the one to break her confidence to the Seargent who was desperately looking for CindyLou to let her know her biological father had died and was buried with full military honours.....that he'd provided for her and he'd talked about her all the time, wondering how she was doing, if she was getting good marks in school, hoping she'd go to college and have a good life. And that child who'd lost hope for a better tomorrow because of where she'd come from was going to have another opportunity of a lifetime. And today I know that we were just the vehicle to help her get to where she'd need to be so what was started so long ago could be 'righted'. The military will establish the trust fund, college will be paid through age 23 and she's invited to the company's Christmas party cuz they want to be able to give her something in honour of her dad.
I'm amazed to say that G-d's taken very good care of that kiddo.
And today, I know why I didn't 'get' to discharge her and end our time together.
And I'm damn glad that every door closed for me to be able to do that.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Welllllllllllll
Two points for letting it look like it IS!
NOT!!
It's okay--wiseperson was kind enough to help me rediscover my smallness in the great scheme of things. I can start to think it IS all about mememe and genuinely forget the bigger picture. Somehow, that's getting easier to do lately....which means one of two things. Either I need to get more centered in what's true--or everyone else is screwing with my serenity! LOL I like the latter--that way I'd have 'just cause' to bump them off and feel okay about it.
JUST kidding.....I think.
He did point out something interesting--and I'd have to agree. The further I get away from yesterday's victories through G-d, the closer I get to wanting to run the show. Better I should be sick so I can remember what's true? LOL If that's the case, being angry right now wouldn't be happening. And this ain't SICK. This......is an inconvenience, thanksverymuch. Truth is, I fear there's more going on than they're catching. He seems to think that's the duc that I keep shooting at and that's what I need to be dealing in. There's that FEAR word again.
And I spent my time with him being pissed off beyond recognition....while he smirked, the bastard! My claim to fame was that I WAS letting it look how it was. Shaking your head and chuckling is NOT a good response to that, by the way. It earned him a name or two--which he lovingly embraced, of course.
WHY can't I just BE NICE and cooperative and willing?
*chuckling* Cuz I don't WANNA? Cuz then I'd LOOK like I AM? Willing with a desire to have and do different. Now, how gakky would THAT be!
I have the MRI on Thursday. He offered to go with me--he's such a puke....he knows I don't take hostages for doctor's appointments.
I think I'll just be grateful HE'S not taking hostages today.
NOT!!
It's okay--wiseperson was kind enough to help me rediscover my smallness in the great scheme of things. I can start to think it IS all about mememe and genuinely forget the bigger picture. Somehow, that's getting easier to do lately....which means one of two things. Either I need to get more centered in what's true--or everyone else is screwing with my serenity! LOL I like the latter--that way I'd have 'just cause' to bump them off and feel okay about it.
JUST kidding.....I think.
He did point out something interesting--and I'd have to agree. The further I get away from yesterday's victories through G-d, the closer I get to wanting to run the show. Better I should be sick so I can remember what's true? LOL If that's the case, being angry right now wouldn't be happening. And this ain't SICK. This......is an inconvenience, thanksverymuch. Truth is, I fear there's more going on than they're catching. He seems to think that's the duc that I keep shooting at and that's what I need to be dealing in. There's that FEAR word again.
And I spent my time with him being pissed off beyond recognition....while he smirked, the bastard! My claim to fame was that I WAS letting it look how it was. Shaking your head and chuckling is NOT a good response to that, by the way. It earned him a name or two--which he lovingly embraced, of course.
WHY can't I just BE NICE and cooperative and willing?
*chuckling* Cuz I don't WANNA? Cuz then I'd LOOK like I AM? Willing with a desire to have and do different. Now, how gakky would THAT be!
I have the MRI on Thursday. He offered to go with me--he's such a puke....he knows I don't take hostages for doctor's appointments.
I think I'll just be grateful HE'S not taking hostages today.
Monday, August 22, 2005
*sigh* I'm not done being mad...
Go figure.
THIS one I'm hanging on to, and probably it's just a symptom of the bigger disease. Cuz frankly, I'm mad about a whole lot of things.
The boy's released and now staying with his father. Military enrollment? Nah...looking for a job at the moment is what I'm told. It's nice to not be needed? Okay, I'm mad about that one.
And I'm freaking pissed off about this back situation. I did absolutely zilch all weekend--and this morning, because of all that care and healing time, I woke up better? NOT ON A DIME.
I don't deal in something physically getting in my way of doing what I NEED to do very well. And here we go again.....maybe I'm dragging from my yesterdays and this is all fear. Could be.
Could be that I'm making those idiots who decided talking with the newspaper and feeding their need for self-importance my target. I've been known to do things like that.
And I'm way much better at being mad than I am at allowing myself to simply be fearful.
I'm much more well versed at blowing people up than simply allowing people to BE there for me.
Okay. So I'm fearful. LOL
I still wanna blow people up, dagnabbit!
I don't think I'm going to be 'allowed to' though. *grumbling*
Like I need permission? LOL
Ya know--my imagination is very creative. And as much as I can come up with torturous things to do with some folks who didn't play by the rules, so can I come up with a plan for what to do with the information the MRI brings to me if'n I don't like it very much.
G-d NEEDS to remove my brain!
arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh......
THIS one I'm hanging on to, and probably it's just a symptom of the bigger disease. Cuz frankly, I'm mad about a whole lot of things.
The boy's released and now staying with his father. Military enrollment? Nah...looking for a job at the moment is what I'm told. It's nice to not be needed? Okay, I'm mad about that one.
And I'm freaking pissed off about this back situation. I did absolutely zilch all weekend--and this morning, because of all that care and healing time, I woke up better? NOT ON A DIME.
I don't deal in something physically getting in my way of doing what I NEED to do very well. And here we go again.....maybe I'm dragging from my yesterdays and this is all fear. Could be.
Could be that I'm making those idiots who decided talking with the newspaper and feeding their need for self-importance my target. I've been known to do things like that.
And I'm way much better at being mad than I am at allowing myself to simply be fearful.
I'm much more well versed at blowing people up than simply allowing people to BE there for me.
Okay. So I'm fearful. LOL
I still wanna blow people up, dagnabbit!
I don't think I'm going to be 'allowed to' though. *grumbling*
Like I need permission? LOL
Ya know--my imagination is very creative. And as much as I can come up with torturous things to do with some folks who didn't play by the rules, so can I come up with a plan for what to do with the information the MRI brings to me if'n I don't like it very much.
G-d NEEDS to remove my brain!
arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh......
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Attraction rather than Promotion
"Tradition 11--Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of radio, press and film."
Now, TELL me that's murky and hard to understand.
SURELY it's so complicated that someone with 35 years in the the program wouldn't be able to understand what that means. So complicated that a HOST of people just can't 'get' that it means we do NOT talk with press, break our own anonymity and brag about what a good thing the program is.
APPARENTLY IT IS!
Yep, I'm freaking pissed off.
FRONT page of the Sunday paper. And I mean the WHOLE front page. Pat the man on the back for celebrating 35 years of continuous sobriety, use his full name, name the AlAnons in his life, interview a whole pack of longer term sober folks and use THEIR full names...what WERE these folks thinking. TWO pages of praise and bragging up sobertime?! The paper did note the 'anonymity' clause--and noted the willingness of the folks to break their own.
Well, goodie for THEM. Yep, that 11th tradition says that--doesn't it?!
I was in a meeting with three of these folks on Friday--didn't hear squat about it...'cept mention of the upcoming anniversary for the one oldfart.
Now, I'm thinkin' there was a 'divine intervention' on THEIR behalfs this morning.
My back was completely out of sorts yesterday and I cancelled my Sunday with the pigeons and hence wouldn't be going to the meeting where I'd be apt to see a few of the longerterm sober folks mentioned in the TWO pages of the newspaper.
I'd kill 'em.....or at the very least, it would get darn messy, darn fast.
Oh BOY am I pissed!
Don Johnson did a GRAND job of promoting the program right before he went back out. What a great little advocate HE was.
Yep, I really AM mad.
Now, TELL me that's murky and hard to understand.
SURELY it's so complicated that someone with 35 years in the the program wouldn't be able to understand what that means. So complicated that a HOST of people just can't 'get' that it means we do NOT talk with press, break our own anonymity and brag about what a good thing the program is.
APPARENTLY IT IS!
Yep, I'm freaking pissed off.
FRONT page of the Sunday paper. And I mean the WHOLE front page. Pat the man on the back for celebrating 35 years of continuous sobriety, use his full name, name the AlAnons in his life, interview a whole pack of longer term sober folks and use THEIR full names...what WERE these folks thinking. TWO pages of praise and bragging up sobertime?! The paper did note the 'anonymity' clause--and noted the willingness of the folks to break their own.
Well, goodie for THEM. Yep, that 11th tradition says that--doesn't it?!
I was in a meeting with three of these folks on Friday--didn't hear squat about it...'cept mention of the upcoming anniversary for the one oldfart.
Now, I'm thinkin' there was a 'divine intervention' on THEIR behalfs this morning.
My back was completely out of sorts yesterday and I cancelled my Sunday with the pigeons and hence wouldn't be going to the meeting where I'd be apt to see a few of the longerterm sober folks mentioned in the TWO pages of the newspaper.
I'd kill 'em.....or at the very least, it would get darn messy, darn fast.
Oh BOY am I pissed!
Don Johnson did a GRAND job of promoting the program right before he went back out. What a great little advocate HE was.
Yep, I really AM mad.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Fear, faith and humility
I know I'm graced.
I know I've done absolutely squat to 'earn' what I have in my life today.
Hell, I've done absolutely squat to 'earn' even HAVING a life today.
I know I have a loving G-d who had purpose and a design for my life way before I even had a clue that He actually gave a shit about me.
I know these things.
I really KNOW these things.
How many times am I humbled by these things? Just ALL THE TIME.
That doesn't stop me from having selfish and fearful moments.
And the very act of starting this discertation on fear was enough to make it right sized. Go figure that one.........
When WILL I learn? LOL
I do have a loving G-d who has purpose for this life, who loves me just cuz He decided He could.
Bit like me.....LOL I do things 'cuz I can' all the time.
Okay.........I can do what I need to do now! I can be done acting all mad and just admit that I was/am scared. And I can do that knowing I am loved to bits.
Geeze, I'm such a dweeb.
And this is a prime example of why it's a good idea for me to put things in black and white.
:-P Pffffffffffffttttttttttttt to ME! LOL
I know I've done absolutely squat to 'earn' what I have in my life today.
Hell, I've done absolutely squat to 'earn' even HAVING a life today.
I know I have a loving G-d who had purpose and a design for my life way before I even had a clue that He actually gave a shit about me.
I know these things.
I really KNOW these things.
How many times am I humbled by these things? Just ALL THE TIME.
That doesn't stop me from having selfish and fearful moments.
And the very act of starting this discertation on fear was enough to make it right sized. Go figure that one.........
When WILL I learn? LOL
I do have a loving G-d who has purpose for this life, who loves me just cuz He decided He could.
Bit like me.....LOL I do things 'cuz I can' all the time.
Okay.........I can do what I need to do now! I can be done acting all mad and just admit that I was/am scared. And I can do that knowing I am loved to bits.
Geeze, I'm such a dweeb.
And this is a prime example of why it's a good idea for me to put things in black and white.
:-P Pffffffffffffttttttttttttt to ME! LOL
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Bandaids and Ballparks
I have the day off work.
Now, ask what I did this morning already. LOL
Wonderful invention, the computer--you can do work from your home when you're suppose to be having a day off. *rolling eyes* I'm a dweeb.
So--I have the day off because we're going to a baseball game! *glancing outside* Apparently, we'll be going to a baseball game in the rain. *rolling eyes again*
But it's all good! It's the girl's worksite deal. They're hosting their employees and families at the ballpark. I suspect they'll be doing something silly with the girl--she signed up for something and she can be a bit like her mother. Should be interesting--not sure how long I'll stand the bleacher seats--but it's appropriate to stand and holler, so I'm thinking I'm good to go!
She called me Tuesday to remind me. And she let me know she was meeting the boy for lunch. Well, she was giving him 10 minutes of her lunch break cuz she had running around to do. And he's now a free man. The surrogate grandparents picked him up and were taking him to his fathers.....after they got his hair cut.
She told me she'd gotten several letters from the boy....and told me she'd not answered one of them. "Too busy, not sure what I was suppose to say....." I did let her know that I'd not heard from the child since I'd responded to his letter.
I'm still trying to put a bandaid on the owie from her reply. I'm sure there's truth in there, and that's why it smarted.
"That's cuz he doesn't NEED you anymore, mom. He got dad to take him so he doesn't NEED you anymore."
Wonder if that bandaid will stick at the ballpark in the rain............
Now, ask what I did this morning already. LOL
Wonderful invention, the computer--you can do work from your home when you're suppose to be having a day off. *rolling eyes* I'm a dweeb.
So--I have the day off because we're going to a baseball game! *glancing outside* Apparently, we'll be going to a baseball game in the rain. *rolling eyes again*
But it's all good! It's the girl's worksite deal. They're hosting their employees and families at the ballpark. I suspect they'll be doing something silly with the girl--she signed up for something and she can be a bit like her mother. Should be interesting--not sure how long I'll stand the bleacher seats--but it's appropriate to stand and holler, so I'm thinking I'm good to go!
She called me Tuesday to remind me. And she let me know she was meeting the boy for lunch. Well, she was giving him 10 minutes of her lunch break cuz she had running around to do. And he's now a free man. The surrogate grandparents picked him up and were taking him to his fathers.....after they got his hair cut.
She told me she'd gotten several letters from the boy....and told me she'd not answered one of them. "Too busy, not sure what I was suppose to say....." I did let her know that I'd not heard from the child since I'd responded to his letter.
I'm still trying to put a bandaid on the owie from her reply. I'm sure there's truth in there, and that's why it smarted.
"That's cuz he doesn't NEED you anymore, mom. He got dad to take him so he doesn't NEED you anymore."
Wonder if that bandaid will stick at the ballpark in the rain............
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Oh, I love that G-d gives me people JUSTLIKEME!
My confession resulted in the following:
"Ten Guidelines From God":
"Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you.Please,follow these 10 guidelines...
1. QUIT WORRYING:Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turnit over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME:Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care ofall your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you havinga conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faithwith those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT:I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades,travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handlesomething on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe inonly six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget."
~~
NeverMIND that I passed that one on to him FIRST.
Hmmmmph!
"Ten Guidelines From God":
"Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you.Please,follow these 10 guidelines...
1. QUIT WORRYING:Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turnit over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME:Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care ofall your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you havinga conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faithwith those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT:I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades,travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handlesomething on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe inonly six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget."
~~
NeverMIND that I passed that one on to him FIRST.
Hmmmmph!
FINE!!!
So I have a pigeon that I'm working with and he's doing this 'chip' system on character defects. Trick of the old wiseperson--make a chip with a defect, pull it outta the jar, stick it in your pocket to remind yourself of what defect of character you're working to surrender for that 24 hours. Everyday you get to pull a new chip. Every day you get to focus on a different defect/asset. There's a bit of accountability that comes with it--you share so someone else knows what's what.
So he emailed me this morning to tell me what the agenda was, which chip he'd pulled.
And there I was, telling on myself:
"Shoot! LOL I was hoping for a different chip so I wouldn't haffta bust myself out! LOL
Okay, okay.....MOST times I'm a 'do-it' kinda gal? Does that count? LOL
During my drinking and using career I wasn't exactly 'feeling any pain' so it's not like I had to be proactive with health problems. They interfered with my using--and going to physicians wasn't exactly high on my list of priorities. They asked questions and had ways of discovering things I didn't exactly want discovered.
So, I'm putting off going to a physician for an MRI they're suggesting I have. Cancelled it once cuz I felt decidedly better. Rescheduled it after I got challenged by some cranky wise oldfart---something about NOT having those two little letters behind my name and paying folks WITH those two little letters behind their name GOOD money so I can NOT do what they suggest.
Have I ever mentioned I can be a BIT uncooperative? LOL
I rescheduled! Umm....I also had to cancell what I rescheduled cuz I failed to remember a prior obligation I had. Which means I need to reschedule the rescheduled test that I cancelled after I cancelled the first one?! Hmmmmm...
Oh yeah.....I AM procrastinating...... LOL
I don't like doctors.And I don't LIKE laying in tubes listening to clicking noises.
And I don't LIKE finding out things are wrong with me when I already KNOW things are wrong with me.
*grumbling*
Fine. I'll reschedule the rescheduled appointment that I cancelled after I rescheduled from cancelling!But I'm NOT going to like it! LOLOLOL"
~~~~~
I almost added the 'do as I SAY not as I DO' line at the end. But I figured that was pushing it a bit.....LOL
So he emailed me this morning to tell me what the agenda was, which chip he'd pulled.
And there I was, telling on myself:
"Shoot! LOL I was hoping for a different chip so I wouldn't haffta bust myself out! LOL
Okay, okay.....MOST times I'm a 'do-it' kinda gal? Does that count? LOL
During my drinking and using career I wasn't exactly 'feeling any pain' so it's not like I had to be proactive with health problems. They interfered with my using--and going to physicians wasn't exactly high on my list of priorities. They asked questions and had ways of discovering things I didn't exactly want discovered.
So, I'm putting off going to a physician for an MRI they're suggesting I have. Cancelled it once cuz I felt decidedly better. Rescheduled it after I got challenged by some cranky wise oldfart---something about NOT having those two little letters behind my name and paying folks WITH those two little letters behind their name GOOD money so I can NOT do what they suggest.
Have I ever mentioned I can be a BIT uncooperative? LOL
I rescheduled! Umm....I also had to cancell what I rescheduled cuz I failed to remember a prior obligation I had. Which means I need to reschedule the rescheduled test that I cancelled after I cancelled the first one?! Hmmmmm...
Oh yeah.....I AM procrastinating...... LOL
I don't like doctors.And I don't LIKE laying in tubes listening to clicking noises.
And I don't LIKE finding out things are wrong with me when I already KNOW things are wrong with me.
*grumbling*
Fine. I'll reschedule the rescheduled appointment that I cancelled after I rescheduled from cancelling!But I'm NOT going to like it! LOLOLOL"
~~~~~
I almost added the 'do as I SAY not as I DO' line at the end. But I figured that was pushing it a bit.....LOL
Saturday, August 13, 2005
I am a sucky patient!
Well, how's THAT for a lightbulb moment? LOL Really, this isn't a revelation for me, but apparently it is for the Brit--he seems to think I oughta be a bit more cooperative and willing, I guess.
Household stuff still needs done--smaller chunks of time, littler tasks--easy does it and it'll get there. Well, at least that's MY thinking. But I've always sucked at following directions, I hear tell I'm a bit oppositional STILL.
"And you paid this physician HOW much so you can not do what she suggested?" LOL Welllll........*thinking*
I think it was his statement of "I have a few suggestions you can not follow--wanna pay ME for 'em?" that makes me chuckle.
Gee--for some reason wiseperson didn't find it funny.
Oops?
Chuckling is wrong, compliance is right? I'm guessing........
*shrugs*
Okay, okay....so I suck at being a patient.
I suck at doing 'nothing'.
I don't LIKE television.
I don't WANNA read.
I don't FEEL like napping forcryingoutloud!
Sheeeeeeshhhhhh....I think it's a conspiracy to bore me into insanity so people can lock me up and go on with their lives in a much more peaceful and much more predictable manner!
Good grief, don't they KNOW they can predict that I won't cooperate by NOW?!?!
And just WHY is it that knowing that doesn't BRING them peace?
Inquiring minds wanna know! LOL
Household stuff still needs done--smaller chunks of time, littler tasks--easy does it and it'll get there. Well, at least that's MY thinking. But I've always sucked at following directions, I hear tell I'm a bit oppositional STILL.
"And you paid this physician HOW much so you can not do what she suggested?" LOL Welllll........*thinking*
I think it was his statement of "I have a few suggestions you can not follow--wanna pay ME for 'em?" that makes me chuckle.
Gee--for some reason wiseperson didn't find it funny.
Oops?
Chuckling is wrong, compliance is right? I'm guessing........
*shrugs*
Okay, okay....so I suck at being a patient.
I suck at doing 'nothing'.
I don't LIKE television.
I don't WANNA read.
I don't FEEL like napping forcryingoutloud!
Sheeeeeeshhhhhh....I think it's a conspiracy to bore me into insanity so people can lock me up and go on with their lives in a much more peaceful and much more predictable manner!
Good grief, don't they KNOW they can predict that I won't cooperate by NOW?!?!
And just WHY is it that knowing that doesn't BRING them peace?
Inquiring minds wanna know! LOL
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Yikes.......
Well, it's been an interesting 24 hours. This morning was an experience and a half. Knee buckling kinda pain that just about sent me to the floor. This would be a good reason to consider ringing the physician--which I did.
That's always a fun thing.
New doc, newly added to the small community practice. Open the file, leaf through pages--I was holding my breath hoping I didn't get the "I think I ought to refer you to your other physician". I don't like being passed off just cuz my history makes me physicians nervous! And the only reason that history is IN there is cuz those folks did blood draws and treated me when they consulted with the oncologist cuz the oncologist was clear he didn't want me driving for an hour.
BUT----
She didn't pass me off!! Fact is, I liked the woman.
She didn't make me lay down on that stupid table thingy either--left me standing and asked some questions, gave a look and feel to my back and we had a conversation. That was very nice! I left with a muscle relaxant and pain pills (narcotics which I told her weren't necessary--which she assured me were necessary IF I was having troubles breathing without being in pain). She called to get me in for an MRI and I was outta there.
Boy....thank goodness it's an entirely different thing tonight than it was this morning. I'm mad about missing a day of work with the kiddos over some stupid pulled muscle (which is what it's appearing like at this point). Oh well!!
I'm still smarting--but I can sit and breathe and MOVE.
Stupid compost.......okay--stupid ME.
That's always a fun thing.
New doc, newly added to the small community practice. Open the file, leaf through pages--I was holding my breath hoping I didn't get the "I think I ought to refer you to your other physician". I don't like being passed off just cuz my history makes me physicians nervous! And the only reason that history is IN there is cuz those folks did blood draws and treated me when they consulted with the oncologist cuz the oncologist was clear he didn't want me driving for an hour.
BUT----
She didn't pass me off!! Fact is, I liked the woman.
She didn't make me lay down on that stupid table thingy either--left me standing and asked some questions, gave a look and feel to my back and we had a conversation. That was very nice! I left with a muscle relaxant and pain pills (narcotics which I told her weren't necessary--which she assured me were necessary IF I was having troubles breathing without being in pain). She called to get me in for an MRI and I was outta there.
Boy....thank goodness it's an entirely different thing tonight than it was this morning. I'm mad about missing a day of work with the kiddos over some stupid pulled muscle (which is what it's appearing like at this point). Oh well!!
I'm still smarting--but I can sit and breathe and MOVE.
Stupid compost.......okay--stupid ME.
Okay--it wasn't funny last night...
And it's not any funnier this morning.
*sigh*
Whatever possesses me?! I know, I know--pride and ego, THAT'S what!
So, I decided I could lift that 100 pounds of compost all by myself--even after the Brit proclaimed it too heavy. (yeah, but he's older and has some problems with his knees and hips) He asked me why I simply didn't stop and do it WITH him as he was suggesting.
Pride and ego, alright?!
That 'yeah, but' has kept me up much of the night, sleeping with a heating pad and taking painkillers cuz I've royally screwed up something in my back....or something SOMEwhere is screwed up.
I told himself last night that my troubles were of my own making and that I wasn't wanting sympathy OR some hard time about it.
And if I thought last night was a bit uncomfortable--with him AND with the pain LOL--this morning is a whole 'nother story.
Great. JUST great.
I have better things to do than THIS!
*sigh*
It's only cuz my knees almost went out that I'm thinking it's bigger than an 'owie'.....
I'm sooooo not going to hear warm fuzzy things about this one.
I really DO have better things to do, dangit.
*sigh*
I'm guessing I'm gonna ring the physician.
But I'm NOT going to like it!
Maybe I'll try walking around for a while first.....yeah...I'll try a few things first.
My plans are ALWAYS better....LOLOL
*sigh*
Whatever possesses me?! I know, I know--pride and ego, THAT'S what!
So, I decided I could lift that 100 pounds of compost all by myself--even after the Brit proclaimed it too heavy. (yeah, but he's older and has some problems with his knees and hips) He asked me why I simply didn't stop and do it WITH him as he was suggesting.
Pride and ego, alright?!
That 'yeah, but' has kept me up much of the night, sleeping with a heating pad and taking painkillers cuz I've royally screwed up something in my back....or something SOMEwhere is screwed up.
I told himself last night that my troubles were of my own making and that I wasn't wanting sympathy OR some hard time about it.
And if I thought last night was a bit uncomfortable--with him AND with the pain LOL--this morning is a whole 'nother story.
Great. JUST great.
I have better things to do than THIS!
*sigh*
It's only cuz my knees almost went out that I'm thinking it's bigger than an 'owie'.....
I'm sooooo not going to hear warm fuzzy things about this one.
I really DO have better things to do, dangit.
*sigh*
I'm guessing I'm gonna ring the physician.
But I'm NOT going to like it!
Maybe I'll try walking around for a while first.....yeah...I'll try a few things first.
My plans are ALWAYS better....LOLOL
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Homework
Yeah, yeah....I have homework.
I WISH it were something like "read this chapter and write a two page paper". Noooooo.
It's more on the lines of "Tell on yourself".
Ummmm....I'm rather accomplished in the telling on myself department.
"No, Mel. TELL on yourself. LET things look how they are."
Ummm.....WHY?
"....JUST do it..."
Wiseperson can be like that--grumpy, mean oldfart...hhhmmmmppff!
I'd suppose I know why. Okay, I DO know why. It's that 11th step 'stuff' that I've been working on forEVER. Interpersonal relationship jazz looking up and looking laterally. Ick.... Actually, I've gotten pretty darn good at feeling free to love people without standing around with my hands open and asking for mine--or standing around with my fists clenched. "Mine" is in the giving--which has been an awesome lesson to learn. And I've gotten darn good at letting it look just like it is with the Big Guy.
Honestly, it makes living life so much damn easier. I don't have to worry about anything but 'doing my job'. The rest just happens. Okay, so that sounds oversimplified. Honestly, it's not.
Life has become effortless. Weird, but true.
Well, at least it WAS until wiseperson gave me homework. *grumbling*
Soooo....I didn't tell on myself a whole lot yesterday.
I did own several lies--ya know, the ones that I do daily: "Is that my pen?" *staring at object in my hand* Nope. *pained face* Okay, so it MIGHT be your pen...okay, okay, it IS your pen and I stole it. You didn't really WANT this pen did ya? It doesn't write very well AND it's almost outta ink! *handing over the pen and hanging head* I'm a very naughty person and I oughta be spanked.
I didn't tell on myself about a whole lotta other things. How I FEEL (gak) isn't relevant to actually doing what needs done. (this has been my arguement forEVER--keep in mind that I toss back wiseperson's words and do that smug grin cuz I CAN) I can feel frightened and walk through the fear F**King scared and STILL do the deal. It's not required that I wanna do something to actually DO it.
Thank goodness....LOL
But this "Let things look how they ARE".......ick.......
I'm sucking at this homework.
And he's GONNA ask me about it.
No. He's gonna wanna SEE it.
ICK!
DOUBLE ICK!!!!!!
*gak*
I WISH it were something like "read this chapter and write a two page paper". Noooooo.
It's more on the lines of "Tell on yourself".
Ummmm....I'm rather accomplished in the telling on myself department.
"No, Mel. TELL on yourself. LET things look how they are."
Ummm.....WHY?
"....JUST do it..."
Wiseperson can be like that--grumpy, mean oldfart...hhhmmmmppff!
I'd suppose I know why. Okay, I DO know why. It's that 11th step 'stuff' that I've been working on forEVER. Interpersonal relationship jazz looking up and looking laterally. Ick.... Actually, I've gotten pretty darn good at feeling free to love people without standing around with my hands open and asking for mine--or standing around with my fists clenched. "Mine" is in the giving--which has been an awesome lesson to learn. And I've gotten darn good at letting it look just like it is with the Big Guy.
Honestly, it makes living life so much damn easier. I don't have to worry about anything but 'doing my job'. The rest just happens. Okay, so that sounds oversimplified. Honestly, it's not.
Life has become effortless. Weird, but true.
Well, at least it WAS until wiseperson gave me homework. *grumbling*
Soooo....I didn't tell on myself a whole lot yesterday.
I did own several lies--ya know, the ones that I do daily: "Is that my pen?" *staring at object in my hand* Nope. *pained face* Okay, so it MIGHT be your pen...okay, okay, it IS your pen and I stole it. You didn't really WANT this pen did ya? It doesn't write very well AND it's almost outta ink! *handing over the pen and hanging head* I'm a very naughty person and I oughta be spanked.
I didn't tell on myself about a whole lotta other things. How I FEEL (gak) isn't relevant to actually doing what needs done. (this has been my arguement forEVER--keep in mind that I toss back wiseperson's words and do that smug grin cuz I CAN) I can feel frightened and walk through the fear F**King scared and STILL do the deal. It's not required that I wanna do something to actually DO it.
Thank goodness....LOL
But this "Let things look how they ARE".......ick.......
I'm sucking at this homework.
And he's GONNA ask me about it.
No. He's gonna wanna SEE it.
ICK!
DOUBLE ICK!!!!!!
*gak*
Monday, August 08, 2005
Nightsweats
I didn't sleep worth a darn last night...or the night before. Frankly, it's been a while since I've gotten a good nights sleep. I spent the weekend battling a headache and nausea. I got a lot done--I know what 'sick' is, and this ain't it. I'm contributing it to the weather and the high pollen count, high pressure. Could be it's just some stupid sinus infection I have going on. I get those on occasion and I don't particularly like them--nor do I like the antibiotics they stick you on. *sigh*
But I don't like nightsweats. Tossing and turning and waking up sweating--I'm wanting it to be menapausal crap. (well, not really--but I AM of that age..) I don't have any other things going on that would be *warning warning, pay attention to this* going on. Well, other than being increasingly more and more tired. Given that it's been a while since I've gotten a decent nights sleep--I'll chalk it up to that.
I know I need to go have it all checked out.
And I can do that quietly, without letting the squirrels run loose in my head and creating panic.
I just don't like familiar symptoms--even if they belong to some other malady.
And I don't like not my theory of not saying anything to himself until after the fact--cuz likely he'll be punchy about being excluded from what's going on.
There doesn't seem to be a happy compromise in moments like this--he's a bit neurotic and borrows troubles to catastrophic ends WAY ahead of the moment.
*sigh*
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.....guess I need to suit up and show up at the physician's. But I'm not gonna like it! Cuz no matter what gets said to me, I'm in trouble for saying zilch to himself.
And well I should be, I'm guessing!
That's JUST a guess! LOL
But I don't like nightsweats. Tossing and turning and waking up sweating--I'm wanting it to be menapausal crap. (well, not really--but I AM of that age..) I don't have any other things going on that would be *warning warning, pay attention to this* going on. Well, other than being increasingly more and more tired. Given that it's been a while since I've gotten a decent nights sleep--I'll chalk it up to that.
I know I need to go have it all checked out.
And I can do that quietly, without letting the squirrels run loose in my head and creating panic.
I just don't like familiar symptoms--even if they belong to some other malady.
And I don't like not my theory of not saying anything to himself until after the fact--cuz likely he'll be punchy about being excluded from what's going on.
There doesn't seem to be a happy compromise in moments like this--he's a bit neurotic and borrows troubles to catastrophic ends WAY ahead of the moment.
*sigh*
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.....guess I need to suit up and show up at the physician's. But I'm not gonna like it! Cuz no matter what gets said to me, I'm in trouble for saying zilch to himself.
And well I should be, I'm guessing!
That's JUST a guess! LOL
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Ants on the keyboard
Literally--
Ya sit here typing and using a mouse and something starts crawling up your arm--and you end up thinking it's you or a piece of fuzz or......something! The LAST thing you actually conclude--strike that--the last thing *I* conclude is it really IS a bug crawling across your hand and up your arm. Ants. Ants? I have ANTS in the study and I'll be danged if I know from whence they cometh? It's not like I haven't tried to follow those suckers to see where they're climbing in from. *muttering*
Ants. IN the study... OY!
I'm having a tough time dealing with this one....LOL...and if this is a fine example of what's truly HUGE in my life today, I've got it made! LOL
Damn ants......Thinkin' I'll just spray around the whole room and move on to bigger and better things.
Ah.....how I wish all circumstances were so easily taken care of! LOL
Ya sit here typing and using a mouse and something starts crawling up your arm--and you end up thinking it's you or a piece of fuzz or......something! The LAST thing you actually conclude--strike that--the last thing *I* conclude is it really IS a bug crawling across your hand and up your arm. Ants. Ants? I have ANTS in the study and I'll be danged if I know from whence they cometh? It's not like I haven't tried to follow those suckers to see where they're climbing in from. *muttering*
Ants. IN the study... OY!
I'm having a tough time dealing with this one....LOL...and if this is a fine example of what's truly HUGE in my life today, I've got it made! LOL
Damn ants......Thinkin' I'll just spray around the whole room and move on to bigger and better things.
Ah.....how I wish all circumstances were so easily taken care of! LOL
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)