QOTW 12/31

How would you like to end each day, and how do you actually end each day?

I end each day pretty much how I want to end it. I'm graced that I get to, I know that.

I'm a creature of habit--one who likes the routines she's established (or routines that have been established FOR her is probably more like it!)

I visit a message board, I visit a few blogs of my choice.
I pull out my tenth step journal and inventory my day--which leaves me with a good sense of what business I need to take care of first thing out of the gate.
I hit my knees and thank my Creator (okay......sometimes I curse my Creator....LOL) for the day and the gifts (or speedbumps) that were placed in front of me.

And then I creep into bed, promptly steal the covers, wriggle til I find my comfy spot and warm my feet up on himself's ever so warm little tootsies!
:-D

Don't fool yourself--he likes it that way!
OH.......and once in a while, when I'm NOT quite ready to go nite-nite, I attack himself with the critters from our headboards.

Have I ever mentioned I'm like 'Sid the Sloth' from Ice Age when it comes to nite-nite time? LOL

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Good health,

Good fortune!

Much love and happiness

to you and yours in the New Year.

Hypochondriacs

For the first time in my life (geeze, this is embarrassing) I own a first aid kit.
Now, it wasn't me being 'practical' or 'responsible' that put the kit in my possession.
*hanging head*

Yes, I AM the big blue meanie that makes the adults replace the first aid items every year at work......the one who, in comparison, tosses a couple bandaids in her own car and calls it good to go. Send me to the corner for that one--my bad.

But we now own a first aid kit for the vehicles (yeah, yeah....make that TWO first aid kits--I picked up one for the Jeep and he scowled at me and picked up a second for the little green car).

What can I say.....it's the end of the year and I managed to have a healthier year than I'd anticipated! LOL
Consequently--I'm spending monies on over the counter medical stuff to get back a part of what was withheld for medical needs.
So it's not like I'm even being 'responsible'! I know.....my bad.......

I'm pretty convinced we looked like hypochondriacs as we were checking out all the 'stuff'.
He's convinced we looked a bit like drug traffickers.

LOL
NO comment.

An unfinished movie.......

Here's one that I thought I wanted to see.

The idea of being able to go back into your life and redo--shades of "It's A Wonderful Life", right? You'll learn how good you have it, right?

WRONG. Good grief.....talk about trauma after trauma.
I tried to be a big girl.
We made it about 45 minutes into the film. I kept waiting for something good to come from it.
It didn't happen. It only got worse.

It was the Brit who stopped the film and announced that we were done.
He'd been nervously eyeing me throughout those 45 minutes, playing with my hair as I stretched out on the couch, checking in with me as each trauma unfolded....

Ya know....Coming from a childhood with traumas galore leaves you forever changed.
I'm blessed to have the man in my life--he knows the places I've been, the journeys I've gotten to take. Thank G-d he's never had to experience any of those traumas in his lifetime -- no one should ever have to experience some of the things some of us get to experience.
I don't stay stuck in it.
It's been used for the good.
Today I can reach into places others don't get to reach.
I can know pieces of the innerworkings and pain others have because I've been there and experienced some things.
Not fun things--but they don't define me today.
They don't run my life.
I can look at those things as events that shape me into who I am today.

He doesn't see those events the same way yet.
And while there's a sense of awe for all I've walked through--there's a protectiveness that comes with it.
Even if it's to make the decision to shut off the film and make it 'done'.

He keeps checking in with me.

I'm pretty clear he's disturbed that I might be disturbed.

Ya know......A part of me is.

I want to invent a decent ending to the host of traumas that was flashed before me....to hope for something good to have come from it all.
But not everyone gets that ending, eh?
Not everyone comes through the other side..........
And not everyone has someone next to them who knows the experiences and wants nothing more than to keep on lovin' ya like there's no tomorrow.

"I'd be honoured."

For the rest of my freaking life........

Oh, I'm not talking my marriage--though I'm convinced that's for the rest of my life.
I'm talking the Police Association and the State Troopers folks.
They call for a donation every year--cuz every year they get a donation.

I'd be honoured, thanksforaskin'!

No, he didn't need to remind me to buckle up when I get in the car--that's a given. It wasn't even required to 'thank' me for the donation.

Truly, I'd be honoured!

For the rest of my freaking LIFE I'll be honoured. LOL
For good reason, of course........such is a 'living amends'.

I owe a whole lot of 'thanks' to law enforcement folks. And a whole lot of thanks and apologies to the State Troopers.
Both of them are due all that I can muster up.
I'm kindly to law enforcement--especially sheriffs and state troopers.
TODAY I'm kindly to them--that hasn't always been the case.

My colourful past includes a whole lot of abuse to officers of the law who were simply doing their job to keep me and the rest of the world safe.
As far as I was concerned, they were interfering with my plans for a good time.
They bore the brunt of a whole lot of my anger.

I'd be honoured!!

Bit kinder than the *%#$ YOU!!! that used to come from my mouth.
A whole lot kinder to hand them a check than to drop kick them to the pavement, huh?

For the rest of my freaking life.....
Cuz you can't undo--but you can move foreward and do different.
Amazing that the moving forward involves no resentment and only produces good.

Amazing that I opt for that without a gun to my head today!

Ya know...........I AM honoured.
THAT'S amazing!

Courtesy of the reading fairies.......

Moving On

Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.--Codependent No More

Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships.

Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.

Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.

Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings.
Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.

If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves.
It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.

We will know.
We can trust ourselves.

Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near.
It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close.
We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that.
That's okay.
The time is not yet right.
Something important is still happening.
When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen.
We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.

Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy.
It requires courage and faith.
It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.

Let go of fear.
Understand that change is an important part of recovery.
Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.

We are never starting over.
In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons.
We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them.
When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on.
We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful.
We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me.
Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons.

Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.

Amen.
*sigh*

And the answer to "no 4th step PLEASE!!??"

"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?"


Isn't it a lovely tenth step journal!!
And I got TWO of them!!
I didn't know what wisepersoninmylife (#1) was thinking--I was sorta kinda hoping it was that 'were we thinking of others' thingy. Though ya know, I'd hate to think he actually LIKES me for crying out loud! That'd get in the way of a whole lot of things.......(I mean, I know wisepersoninmylife loves me--but you can be kind and loving with people and not really LIKE 'em. Come to think of it, 'kind and loving' doesn't really describe our relationship either....*snickering*)

I have a strange relationship with wisepersoninmylife.....and there are two of 'em currently. I have one in my backyard and one not in my backyard. BOTH relationships are a bit odd. But go figure I'm okay with that.
Wisepersoninmylife is the one that I'm accountable to........both of 'em. Maybe it takes two to manage me?
They both do a standup job of calling me on my 'schtuff'. I like to avoid, deny and displace. I'm fairly good at switching the focus.
I hang on to things I oughta let go of and let go of things I oughta be hanging on to......
Not to mention I'm notoriously known for being 'difficult'.

(I don't know WHY folks would think that--other than I present myself pretty as being fairly oppositional..................cuz I am?)

Wisepersoninmylife (#1)--the one not in my backyard, I didn't 'choose'.
He just sorta chose me.

Wisepersoninmylife (#2)--the one in my backyard-- I chose.
He got along so well with wisepersoninmylife (#1) that it was an easy decision.
'Specially cuz wisepersoninmylife (#1) threatened to check in with wisepersoninmylife (#2) cuz he WAS in my backyard---seemed the better half of wisdom to snag wisepersoninmylife (#2) before wisepersoninmylife (#1) made it happen.
At least THEN I could pretend that I was in charge of the decision!

(see above "I chose #2" delusion as proof!) LOLOL

Wisepersoninmylife (#2) can be JUST as cranky and demanding as wisepersoninmylife (#1). Most times I think of them in combination AS one.
Mostly cuz they're always on the 'same page'--and that's withOUT talking with each other even!!
Ever have those moments when you decide you're wanting to have some squiggle room so when you hear something from mom you whisk off to dad looking for a different answer before the two of them get a chance to put their heads together?
Yeah--well, that doesn't work with wisepersoninmylife (#1 or #2) cuz they're ALWAYS on the same freaking page............I'd be lying if I said that didn't torque my noodle!
If I wanted proof that they're both suppose to be in my life calling me on my schtuff, giving me guidance.........that'd be the proof.
Without talking, seconds after one leaves the house I'll ring the other and I'm getting the same answers?!
Sometimes I wish they'd stop asking G-d for direction with me so I could hear what I WANNA hear dagnabbit!!

So they presented me with a tenth step journal---leather and everything!!
TWO of 'em.

"How cool.....Thanks!! But.....Two? They were on sale 'buy one get one free'?"
"And what's with the mailing envelopes?"

Duh.
The answer is simple.
One stays with me, one gets mailed to wisepersoninmylife #1 who'll then mail it on to wisepersoninmylife #2...........while I continue to write in 10th step journal #2 which I'll then mail on to wisepersoninmylife #1 after wisepersoninmylife #2 returns 10th step journal #1.

Confused yet? LOL
I'd act confused.......only in hopes of not having to do it!

This would be the answer to "Don't MAKE me do another 4th step--I've been doing a rigorous 10th step every night!......THAT'S how good I've been!!"

*shaking head*
They're really good.
I mean REALLY good!!

I shoulda just gone with the 4th step (and subsequent 5th step)and gotten it over with. Not to mention I coulda saved myself a whole LOT in postage.
But they're pretty.

And they smell.

And I............am my own worst enemy...................LOLOL

Coffee in a penguin mug

Ah, but not just any coffee mug.....
MY coffee mug.

(never fear--he has HIS coffee mug, too)

But this is a good mug.
Not only is it purple, it's got a penguin on it.
And not only does it have a penguin on it, it's a penguin book mug.

*shrugs*
Someone thought it was a good match for me.
Virginia Woolf read and all.
Of course, the book came with it!!

So I'm having coffee from the penguin mug this morning.
And I gotta say, it's good coffee.
Now, I'm not sure if that's the coffee, the mug or the fact that there's a penguin on the mug.
OR maybe it's the Woolf read that I haven't read for eons--that I'll be reading again with the mug filled.....

Do I care?

Mostly I care that it's MY mug! LOL
Mine, mine, mine!!

HIS mug, btw isn't that darn interesting. :-D

Toys in the attic........

Growth

Just as when we were children and grew out of favorite toys and clothes, we sometimes grow out of things as adults - people, jobs, and homes.
This can be confusing.
We may wonder why someone or something that was so special and important to us last year doesn't fit the same way in our life today.
We may wonder why our feelings have changed.

When we were children, we may have tried to fit an outgrown article of clothing on to our body.
Now, as adults, we may go through a time of trying to force fit attitudes that we have outgrown.
We may need to do this to give ourselves time to realize the truth.
What worked last year, what was so important and special to us in times past, doesn't work anymore because we've changed.
We've grown.

We can accept this as a valid and important part of an ever growing, ever changing life.
We can let ourselves go through experimentation and grief as we struggle to make something fit, trying to figure out if indeed it no longer fits, and why.
We can explore our feelings and thoughts around what has happened.

Then, we can put last year's toys away and make room for the new.

I can let last year's toys be what they were: last year's toys.
I will remember them with fondness for the part they played in my life.
Then, I will put them away and make room for the new.

Isn't it funny that I'd post this reading with no comment--and then come back to comment?
I was going to dismiss the reading with a "that's nice.....thanks for that lovely tidbit" and, or course, perform a rolling of the eyes. LOL

Truth is perhaps it IS about me.
I've got a private conversation coming this week with my boss. He asked to have a 'chat' before the holiday--I delayed it.
I'm sure it's another fine growth opportunity he's about to push me into. "Push" is the right word.....LOL I like being comfy. I like the familiar.
I'm also one who's repeatedly heard "Move or BE moved, Mel" for a reason.
G-d intends that I don't sit still--and I don't particularly wanna sit still..........but good grief I'd like the growth opportunity to come in a comfy package!! LOL

I know--there's a reason they're called AFGOs (another freaking growth opportunity)in my life.

And there's a reason wisepersoninmylife shakes his head and mutters "kicking and screaming the whole way............"
Hey..........I came into the world that way!! ;-)

QOTW December 25th

In what ways is today better than yesterday?

Today we (both himself and I) were actually able to eat the meal we cooked. (okay.....HE cooked....there was no 'we' to it.) Yesterday we both looked at the lasagne and at each other....."Pass?" "Pass!"

Today we had the girl and the other other boy for company...yesterday we were keeping our own selves company (which wasn't all bad....'cept neither of us felt much like company even if it was each others).

Today I actually managed to play! Yesterday dancing with the snowman and painting with my new paint pens wasn't going to happen. *shrugs* Chalk it up to not feeling so hot yesterday? Playtime isn't something I readily sacrifice!!

Today I danced with the Brit in the kitchen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas".
(BEFORE I danced with the snowman, thanksverymuch!!)
Yesterday we were horizontal......and not in a fun way! LOLOLOL

Today I didn't have to 'work' to remember how graced I am.

Doesn't that just say it all........

The happy Holiday dance....

He's in the yard--boogeying with the holiday spirit.
Yeoooooooowwwwww!
GET DOWN!!!

Gotta love what a bit of wind does for the eight foot snowman.
He's out there just a jivin' and bebopping!!
*snickering*
And I'm gonna crank up the tunes and have a dance with him.
The neighbours already think I'm a bit touched....LOL What's 'more proof'?!

Happy Happy HAPPY Holiday!!!

*going to boogey with the snowman*

Holiday Eve magic--

Just too gorgeous for words........
And then there's the train....yep, we have a train under our tree!
Himself crawled under the tree and made it work just for me!! :-)
AND Santa's on the train with prezzies....
It's chugging around the tree lookin' all that!
He had a tough time deciding which train--the glory of it is we'll be set on having a different train for the next fourty seven years!
By then I'm thinkin' we'll need to put it on a table or somethin' cuz neither of us will be crawling under the tree. LOL

Lasagne is in the process of being made--and I'm off to work!

Yeah, yeah.............if I ask folks to spend part of their holiday with the kiddos *I'M* going to be spending the holiday with the kiddos as well.
Besides........I wouldn't wanna miss out!!

Peace to you........

Let there be peace on earth,

and let it begin with me.

Let there be peace on Earth,

the peace that was meant to be.

With God as our Father,

brothers all are we,

Let me walk with my brother,

in perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me,

let this be the moment now.

With every step I take,

let this be my solemn vow,

To take each moment and live each moment

in peace, eternally.

Let there be Peace on Earth,

and let it begin with me.

Not a creature was stirring....

"The Brit opened a movie he got for the Holiday and we watched it from the couch."
Sounds like a nice romantic evening with a prezzie thief, doesn't it? LOL

I'll note that it's a movie from last year's holiday--this is how successful he is at getting me in front of a television! So no--he didn't cheat and open a prezzie early.
And while it might sound romantic--Saturday night, snugglin' on the couch and watching a movie...(It was Phantom of the Opera, btw. I cried...........again....)...he was on one couch--I was on the other.
Well, there goes the 'romance', huh?!
Lemme help dispell ANY thought that this was a 'romantic' moment in time.
Cuz we were both in our jammies with our own bottles of Coke--ocassionally asking "Are you feeling any better?"

*nodding*
Yep.
We're back to 'the crud'.
The good news is neither of us have upchucked (LOL.....what a lovely word!) since Friday afternoon. We're both at least going through the motions of being 'upright and mobile'.

Neither of us feel worth a darn.
(And just for the record--neither of us are slowly being poisoned by carbon monoxide. We were almost hoping that was the case cuz that would be easily remedied by having the furnace 'fixed'.)

We bowed out of a 'holiday doings' in hopes of buying some energy for the next two days worth of festivities and responsibilities.
Good in theory, eh?

It's gotta work.
I've got pies to bake this morning, work to do this afternoon, and a whole BUNCH of stuff to do this evening.

400 degrees--that'll take care of any random germs that might find their way to the pies! HEY!! Maybe I oughta crank up the heat in the house!!
Gosh, sometimes I miss the most simple solutions!! :-D

.....bassackwardness.......

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you. --Dale Carnegie

Wow.....so that's where I had it wrong......

Go figure--another thing I had bassackwards.

Embracing the good, the bad and the ugly

I came to see the damage that was done and the treasures that prevail.--Adrienne Rich

It takes great courage to face ourselves--to look honestly and fearlessly at our behavior, especially if we have done and said things we are not proud of.
We may have caused a lot of sadness in our own and others' lives.
It's not easy to look at.
But let's remember, too, that what we do and say is not all of who we are.
And let's also look at the treasures in ourselves--those things we have said and done that have brought great comfort, joy, and love into the lives of others.
Beneath the negative parts of ourselves, deep within us, is goodness.
Let's look for that as well, and water it so it can grow--so we can grow into the persons we are meant to be.

I'm grateful that I get this chance in life--that the places I've been and the things I've done (some things which were horridly difficult to wear the responsibility for) don't define ME. And I'm humbled that those things can be used for the good today.
People look at me oddly when I say that I'm glad I walked the places I've walked.
They don't 'get' that I've needed to walk in those places to 'arrive' at exactly where I am today.

Were they all those things I got to walk through 'fun'? Far from it--though I've had a whole lotta fun along the way.
They don't own me though.
And there was a time they did.

When the phone rang yesterday (as it does constantly at work....LOL) it was a kiddo I'd worked with some 15 years ago. She was just checking in. They'll do that during holiday times.

She'd been to Washington DC to talk with a Senate Sub-Committee and had darn near all the eyes damp from her story.
She's an awesome woman--and she spoke her story well, no doubt.
Today she's the mom to an adopted 8 year old son.
She spoke on behalf of the adopted/fostercare kiddos. She was one herself.

She validated why it is that I keep doing what it is that I do--no matter how far away I get from what I love doing....this is why I do it.

She learned to water what was good in her--embraced the things that brought her to where her feet were and began using her journey to help others along their way. The more she helped others, the better she felt. The better she felt, the more courage she found to turn the mirror to look at herself......
Through the muck and the mire she trudged.........and she's come through the other side.

Trust me when I say there's no pride or ownership on my part for where she's landed and the good that she's doing today.
But there's this HUGE sense of pride FOR her, for what she's brought to the life of that eight year old boy........and all of the children she advocates for today.

I just know G-d's soooooo proud of her.
And I'm proud for her.

And I'm sooooo humbled that I got to be just a tiny part of it all..........

39 cents

Have you ever just been so overwhelmed by the loving, giving nature of strangers that you get all sorts of weepy?

I got home from work today to discover a well chewed up card that the postoffice had stuck into a plastic sleeve for delivery purposes. Bless the postoffices hearts--they even took responsibility and apologized for the state of the envelope.

Inside, a check for the program I work at--for a very sizeable amount. A bit chewed up around the edges--but let me assure you that the card was so mangled that not bothering TO deliver it certainly could have been their option.
I wonder if they have any clue how their willingness to take responsibility for that 39 cents will touch the lives of a good number of children/families?

And that sea of holiday gifts that cover the livingroom floor?
Yes, it's still an utter disaster in there......
And as I'm rooting through bags, separating out gifts into piles and sizes and kiddos--I discover a card stuck in a bag.

"For a family in need from a family who was once in need, too."
A hundred dollar bill.

Forgive me for being sentimental and messy.





G-d bless the folks who have no clue whose life they just made a little lighter.....but who give with every belief that it will.

It will.

Plan B

I GOTTA quit 'rising to the occasion'.

I get so freaking tweaked about not wanting to BE seen as incompetent and ignorant--I end up teaching myself and learning so I won't BE incompetent and ignorant.

Not that that's all bad.

There's always room to grow--
.....and broadening your knowledge base is a good thing.

But geeze--when they hold you up as the example and say "see what Mel's been able to do" it gets a bit squirmy.

*frowning*
The question is 'how come you're squirming'?

Okay..........I rely on being challenged, really I do.
But do I really HAVE to answer that one? LOL

I'm afraid the answer is: Cuz I'm trying to manipulate and 'rising to the occasion' is screwing with MY PLANS!!

I can't find the livingroom.....

It's lost in a sea of gift bags for 24 kiddos. And it's not pretty.........

WHAT possesses me to do this year after year, I do not know. LOL
Well, that's not true.......I do know.
I make a hectic time of year a bit easier for the staff that work for me.

The agency I work for does a lot of good things for the kiddos and families we serve.
I can forget and get wrapped up in the drama some moments (no pun intended).
Those 24 gift bags (and one big box), ladened with 'stuff' to be wrapped, is just one of the many wonderful things we do. And honestly, it's a year long venture--it's not just on the holidays that we're extending ourselves to help families.

And here I am with a livingroom buried in 'stuff'.
The Brit helps me......LOL........sorta.
He brings me coffee and makes gift tags for the prezzies. And he makes sure I have holiday music going and lights blinking so it's all 'festive'.
He even sings to me. LOL How can you not love a fella who'd grin through all this?!
He's a good little fella.

*chuckling*
We have no livingroom at this moment in time. We barely have a passage from the livingroom to the kitchen!
And it's gonna take a good two evenings to get it all wrapped up pretty...

:-D
That means I'll be waited on two evenings in a row! *snickering*
I'm gonna place some really good orders--cuz the odds are I'll get what I ask for! LOL

Ack!

It's okay to ask for help.

One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource.

We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone.

We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends.
Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen, or a ride, we can ask.
We can ask people for what we need from them.

It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need.
It keeps us stuck.
If we ask long and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need.

There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her.
We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not.
If the answer is no, we can deal with that.

It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people.
It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us.
It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.

"My problem is shame," said one woman. "I wanted to ask for help in dealing with it, but I was to ashamed. Isn't that crazy?"

We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help.
We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need.

Today, I will ask for help if I need it. I will not be a victim, helplessly waiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life - the help that makes life simpler.
Help me let go of my need to do everything alone.

Lemme raise my hand and own that I don't do well at letting other people help me.
I've gotten fairly good at telling on myself to wisepersoninmylife--and I'm pretty darn comfy telling on myself in a whole host of places.
I don't have to trust people, know them or have a 'relationship' with them to tell on myself.

That's the power of knowing that your worth and value just IS.
You don't live in the confinds of your own jail.

But this asking for help jazz........as long as it's me doing the work and carrying the burden--no problem. G'head--take my inventory and gimme stuff to work on to strengthen myself.
But if there's an INKLING of that 'help' meaning reliance on another person--I'm working out some scheme to 'do it myself'.

People reliance isn't something I get along with.

*sigh*

Saying 'help me' isn't a big deal.

It's becoming 'reliant' on another human being -- if only for a ride to work cuz the mechanic has my car --that I wiggle and squiggle and squirm over.

I suck! LOL

The Peter Principle

"In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence."
Members of a hierarchial organization are eventually promoted to their highest level of competence, after which further promotion raises them to a level at which they may become incompetent.
The employee's incompetence is not necessarily exposed as a result of the higher-ranking position being "more difficult" — it may be simply that the position is different from the position in which the employee previously excelled.

Welcome to The Peter Principle.
Nothing new under that sun--The Peter Principle has been floating around for a good chunk of time. From that you evolve into The Dilbert Principle....I've always seen the irony in that cartoon.

I was whining about getting further away from the kiddos and families--which is where I started and aspired to be.

Today I find myself attending meetings, running computerized reports (taught myself that!) and bringing things to people's attention, attending more meetings, running budget reports (and that!!) and working on excel spreadsheets(and that too!!), answering to the court and the police and the physicians and principals....oh, and smiling for cameras as I pick up checks which have been kindly donated to the families and children which we serve (bless their hearts--some families will financially be able have their kiddos home for the holidays because of their generosity!)

Sooooooo.... My boss asked to talk with me. (I can FEEL the change about to happen....yikes....)
Smartie me, liking to be in control of things, told my boss I'd been meaning to talk with HIM.
(g'head, call me a control freak.....)

I pointed out The Peter Principle--I mean, asking me to do budgets when I don't balance my own checking account is more than a bit absurd!
I pointed out the excel spreadsheets, the meeting after meeting after meeting that he's had to give me the 'finger to the throat' signal (aka 'shut the *** up' signal) and the concept of making ME responsible for a program and the delivery of services when what I'm REALLY good at is working with kiddos and their families.
Surely I've been promoted to my level of incompetence!! (I'VE read The Peter Principle, dagnabbit!!) (fast dancing on my part--I've owned I'm a manipulator--gimme a break!!)

He pointed out the gal who came prepared with charts and percentages and coloured handouts. (geeze they were pretty!)
He pointed out the other gal who came with every 'good excuse' in the book. (they sounded legit--)
And he pointed out the fella who'd puffed himself up and talked about filling the orders his program had been given at 70%. (I slunk lower in my chair, awaiting the news of where I landed in it all)
And then he pointed out the simple truth.

"You came with no papers, no graphs, no percentages--
(SEE!! I-N-C-O-M-P-E-T-E-N-T!!!)
"-----and outdid every single one of them in delivery of services THREE times over."

(I squiggled in my chair......damn me for being an 'over compensator'!!)

"That doesn't tell me we've 'reached your level of incompetence."

Ummmmmmm.....three times OVER? The best was 9 over what was projected as needed to meet the budget. So times that by three? Like--28?

"Twenty seven."

....yeah yeah.....I've always sucked at math.......

"That doesn't tell me we've 'reached our level of incompetence'."

Shoot.
I need to come up with a plan B--cuz plan A did NOT work quite like I'd planned!!





GEEZE!!!........if I can't times nine by three and come up with the right answer......isn't THAT enough proof of incompetence?!?!

*going to plot and plan plan B!!*

"You're shopping and you can't stop....."

*blushing*

Okay....they're not THE babies.

But I've entered the twilight zone and I admit it.
I couldn't take stuff from the trunk of the car forEVER.....and now--

I'M SHOPPING FOR BABIES AND I CAN'T STOP!!!!

Well, that's what himself says.

It's just a play and grow (aka playpen that doubles for a bed for the wee things--with things that go 'round and round'--in case they get bored dontchaknow)
And a few outfits.......(okay--we're talking seven each--NOT matching, of course cuz that would be rotten!!) A few feetie jammies and bibs and the like.
Oh...and cute little bathtowels with animal heads and tails.
Yeah, yeah.....they were too cute to pass up. AND they were on sale. :-)

Oh yeah...... And the Nike booties.
C'mon--they were just too tiny and too...too.....cute!
And a few toys.
Okay.....more than a few--but less than a whole company's worth!

And their savings bonds....cuz that's something that can be hung on to for some time.

*shrugs*
I put it back in the boys' court to decide how he wants the involvement to look. I can be g'ma from over here and send on stuff at my leisure. But ya know--no one defined for me how they'd be involved with the kiddos in my life.
They're his babies and it's his call to make.
(at this point it's an "I don't know....." and I've asked him to decide and let me know.)
I don't get to decide anything except for what I'm willing to do within the confines of what he'll allow me to do or be in the babies lives.

That musta been enough to free me up, according to himself (who says I'm shopping and I can't stop).

*shrugs*

I have the box and gift bag of prezzies to prove my freedom or his observation.
Take your pick. Or pick both if you like!! (cuz if some is good.............)

My 'feeling' *making face* is NOT hurt!!

I waved at three Santas yesterday and NONE of them waved back.

This is NOT an indicator that I'm on the naughty list.
(just keep tellin' yourself that, Mel.....LOL)

Ohhhhhhhhh.....*sniffle*

Feelings..........nothing more than feelings.......

Feelings

It's okay to have and feel our feelings - all of them.

Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue.
Of all the prohibitions we've lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived.

Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations.
We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy, and love.
We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too.
Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions.
We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.

But times have changed.
It is okay now for us to acknowledge and accept our emotions.
We don't need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings.
Our emotional center is a valuable part of us.
It's connected to our physical well being, our thinking, and our spirituality.

Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct.
We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings.

Today, I will allow myself to recognize and accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame.

*shaking head*
This is one of those places I stumble, trip and land flat on my face.

Someone starts talking about MY feelings--I start making faces.
I've been known to burst into a Barry Mannilow song....."Feelings.........nothing more than feelings.........."
*snickering*
Oh, I'm keen on other people feeling all THEIR feelings. I think that's a great thing.
Good grief.....I deal in feelings/thinking/behaviors for a 'career'. You'd think it would be a walk in the park, wouldn't ya?!

I grew up in a household with a 'don't feel' rule. I know where that 'off' switch is.
I also know how to make my 'little fragile feeling' paramount!
I justified a whole lot of actions because I was 'pissed off beyond recognition'.

Wisepersoninmylife spent a whole lot of energy reminding me that my 'fragile little alcoholic feeling' wasn't that darn important. LOL
The world wasn't judging me by my intentions--they were judging me by my actions. And my feelings do NOT justify my actions.
As he so lovingly would put it--"I don't give a flying **** about your precious, fragile little alcoholic feeling!!"
*nodding* He's compassionate like that.
My actions weren't what we were focusing on. (well, HE wasn't focusing on them--I kept trying to cuz 'if you had MY life-----'........g'head.....gak if you must!)
Feelings aren't fact--they're just feelings.

Imagine my dismay when I finally 'got' that lesson.
My feelings don't jusitify wrong actions.

THEN wisepersoninmylife wanted to talk *making a face* 'feelings'.
*gak*

Ya spend lots of time getting me to 'shut up' already about me and my precious fragile little alcoholic feeling and NOW you wanna talk *making a face* 'feelings'?!?!
Back up, Jack!!

Mad, glad, sad and scared.
Mad, glad, sad and scared.
(I was limited to four, dontchaknow! Cuz I'm well versed in *making a face* 'feeling' words.)
The folks in my last treatment center (I have an opinion about treatment which I won't share here.....LOL....at this time anyway) limited me and finally told me I wasn't 'allowed' to participate in 'group' therapy---*blushing* cuz I love group dynamics and ended up stealing the facilitator's 'job'.
HEY--when you're more gifted in it than the actual facilitator......go for it!!
Go figure I'd wanna be in 'charge' and could justify it, huh?
(no comments from the peanut gallery, thanksverymuch.....LOL)

Oh yeah...
Mad, glad, sad and scared.
Believe it or not, I still go back to those basics when wisepersoninmylife talks with me about my *making a face* 'feelings'.

*blech*
I'd rather clean toilets.
I'd rather clean up someone else's vomit!

LOL

There!! THAT oughta clear up what I think about dealing in my own *making a face and rolling eyes* 'feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings'.
*gak*

QOTW 12/16

Where's your hammer and when's the last time you used it?

My hammer?!?

Okay--I'll play.
MY hammer is in what's lovingly referred to as 'the junk drawer'. Yeah, yeah.......everyone has a junk drawer, right? (okay--I have two--whatchagonnadoaboutit?!)

The last time I used it?
The last time IT was used was today. The Brit snagged it to tap two pins into the wall to hold string that our holiday cards are now hanging from.
The last time I used--geeze it was when I was putting sawtooth hangers on a picture frame. That was a few weeks ago. The picture is a present for the girl.

The last time I used HIS hammer (yes, we have his and her hammers....LOL) I was working in the basement trainroom, hanging framed photos.
Yes, I measured.
And yes, I used a level to make certain they were straight!
(only cuz I knew himself would be going whackos if they were--in his words--wonky! LOL)
(and yep--every once in a while I flick one off center and MAKE it 'wonky' so I can WATCH him go whackos.....LOLOL)

*shrugs*
Cheap entertainment?

Blessings to you and yours

May your homes grow brighter
Your hearts grow warmer
And your faith grow stronger
With each Hanukkah candle you light.

Wishing you much love, laughter and light--always.

Yes Virginia, there are penguin lights....

I know.
I KNOW......

I'm weird and I know it.
I also LIKE it. LOLOL

Excuse me?

I’m going to see the boy to do holiday stuff with him and dad on 12/23. I think the other other boy is going too.

12/24 The other other boy's family is doing their holiday stuff. I’m thinking I might just drive up and meet him in either the evening of the 23rd or in the morning on the 24th.

Then I can tote the other other boy back with me on the 25th?

I can bring chocolate.
I was planning on making peanut butter balls and cookies… not loads of truffles or anything insane this year. Just peanut butter balls :)
Or cakeballs! :-D
You wouldn't eat them either. But more for ME is good! Or is it bad?

Yes, she refers to whatshisface as 'the other other boy'. She is her mother's child.

And.........Okay then!!

The boy won't be home for the holiday.
That's just the fact of our relationship today.

Besides........

It's not my holiday.
It's not a huge deal that she's got plans made for the day that we've celebrated her holiday on for 25 years. (okay, that's sarcastic, huh?)

No biggie, right? I mean--it was bound to happen. I even want her to feel the freedom to LET that happen in her own life.

So how come when I told the Brit I got all weepy?

I told him I was gracious......and I was!
I even told her she and the other other boy were welcome at any time. We'll giggle and stuff our faces whenever she's able to come.

The Brit tells me he gets to spend the holiday with the number one person in his life....and that's special to him. Kids grow up and "us old farts have to stick together".

Dear G-d....I've somehow become an "old fart" to the Brit!!
I need to find a really good anti-wrinkle cream.......no doubt about it.
AND stuff for puffy eyelids.........cuz if I stay this weepy my eyelids will permanently puff up and it'll just affirm what he's already APPARENTLY thinking.

Great refocus, Mel!!

You're sad and you know it.

What happened?!!

*shaking head*

What happened to my role with the kiddos and families?

Suddenly I'm checking numbers, meeting with folks who I don't consider 'mine' to meet with and wheeling and dealing on renting office space.
What happened to those moments sitting acting cool, calm and collected.........wondering if you're gonna get out of the office unscathed cuz of some irate and irrational person screaming and threatening you and yours? (not that those were all that 'fun'!)
What happened to evening therapies with families--it's been over a month since I've had a session with a family......what's up with that?
And how come I have three meetings today--and one donation to show up for so they can take a photo of them handing over the check?!!

What's up with all that?!!

*scratching head*
Things are seriously 'moved' from where they were six months ago.
How'd that happen?!!

*groaning*
I don't WANNA get my picture taken for the newspaper.
*shaking head and muttering*

Mr. Crane

This---is a crane.
And I......am having problems with a crane.
I wish it was this kinda crane I was having problems with!
Alas and alack--it is not.
It's a crane of the industrial type.

It's a crane that's parked in the parking lot at work while they're installing a new cell phone tower.
We have to drive around the construction going on.
We have minimal parking as a result of the construction.
We have noise and more noise and MORE NOISE because of the construction going on.

And I have a major problem with Mr. Crane.
Mr. Crane hoists large objects into the air.
VERY large objects.
Mr. Crane is going to be in use for the next 30-45 days. (I know cuz I asked.)
Mr. Crane hoists objects right past my internet provider's dish--ya know the dish that sends the signal to my wireless work connection for all my staff.......and me...........

Mr. Crane is in big BIG trouble for doing that.

Mr. Crane is the reason I walked into work today and discovered five staff sitting at the reception area doing crosswords puzzles.
Cuz none of those five people could get a lick of work done....cuz Mr. Crane kept creating 'blips' in the service....which made my 'safeguard' unit kick in and shut down the signal...which made the whole WORK in progress--stop progressing.
G'head.......ask if *I* got my work done today!!
My secretary discovered I'm not fond of Mr. Crane.......she suggested I take a walk around the building BEFORE I talked with the construction folks.

HA......

And now---I'm going to research to make sure Mr. Crane is not an endangered species.
That'd be the responsible thing to do BEFORE I go blow him up, right?

Oh look........another freaking growth opportunity!!

No struggle we have is really new. It's another shade of the struggle that plagued us last week or perhaps last year. And we'll stumble again and again until we learn to quit struggling. The trying situations at work, or the personality type that irritates us, will always exist. But when we've come to accept as good and growth-enhancing all situations and all persons, we'll sense the subtle absence of struggle. We'll realize that the person we couldn't tolerate has become a friend. The situation we couldn't handle is resolved, forever.
The lessons we need to learn keep presenting themselves, until we've finished the homework. If we sense a struggle today, we can look at it as an assignment, one that is meant for our growth. We can remember that our struggles represent our opportunities to grow.

*chuckling*
Apparently I'm having an AFGO moment on staying flexible?

Bless the reading fairies for pointing that out......

Pffffffffffffffttttttttttttt!! :-P

Grrr and grrr again

Do I like when something interferes with me doing what I normally do?

NO.
I'm a creature of habit--I have a routine that I don't like being messed with.
NOT that I can't be flexible within that routine........LOL........just let me 'flex' with it to do what I 'normally' do, dangit!!

Blogger's got me grumbling. I can't log in to comment on ANY beta site (which is NOT a good promotion FOR joining up, thanksverymuch). I can't access the message board I frequent AND I'm not able to even GET a page to load on another site I generally read from.

*muttering*
Something is interfering with MY plans, dangit! LOL

Don'tcha hate when that happens?

Memo to self.....

Love and fear cannot dwell together. By their very natures, they cannot exist side by side. Fear is a very strong force. And therefore a weak and vacillating love can soon be routed by fear. But a strong love, a love that trusts in God, is sure eventually to conquer fear. The only sure way to dispel fear is to have the love of God more and more in your heart and soul.

---end memo---

Bell ringer!! (grrrrrrrr....)

"How would you feel about my volunteering for the Salvation Army?"

(I kinda looked at him funny......I'm sure of it.)

"They're needing volunteers....."

Wow! I think it would be an awesome thing to do.

"A few hours, a few evenings a week...."

No, really--I think that would be a really great thing!!

"You wouldn't mind?"

It'll be awfully cold--

"I have gloves and a hat--I could wear that Elmer Fudd hat you secretly adore."

Ummmm.........I think they have a hat for you to wear.

"Really. Well then, I wouldn't even NEED a hat because they'd give me one."

That'd be cool!
You can open doors for old women, too!

"Open your own door." (AND he laughed!)

Bell ringer!

"Old woman!!"

Hmmmmmmmmmph!!
(I think it's really cool he wants volunteer..........but call ME 'old'?!?! Grrrr!!)

Good thing that bathroom was close enough for him to duck into.
I'da caught him otherwise!

Love lots

Chris has worked with me for 16 years.
Three years ago she was feeling poorly and managed to make herself go to the doctor.
Her bloodwork came back out of whack and they sent her on for more testing.
What they found, they said they wouldn't be able to treat effectively. Ovarian cancer doesn't have a very good survival rate.

Chris went to Indiana at a time when her CA125 was 500. That was five times the number of tumors they removed from inside her. The physician, bless her heart, did what other physicians didn't want to contemplate doing. She removed the cancerous tumours, did a hysterectomy and followed it up with a good dose of chemo.
Chris was hard pressed to believe she could finish the chemo and have a life.
They'd as much said that was impossible, given what they found at the time they found it.
But she hung on to that thread--looked at me as an example of a walking miracle--and kept walking even when hope and faith were elusive shadows.

Three years she had without any sign of a return of the cancer.
This week she went to Indiana for a six month check up.
Her CA125 jumped from 17 to 71.
The doctor wants to open her up to have a look because she's pretty convinced it's returned.
She's scheduled surgery for the 4th as well as the follow up chemotherapy.

And when I talked with Chris today--
She asked me how I handled lost remissions and getting to go through it all over again--onemoretime.

Go numb.
Operate on facts, not feelings.
Then get mad as hell at G-d.

Truth is--I got numb talking with Chris today.
I operated on the facts, helped her walk through what to do next as far as the worksite goes--medical leave, disability....all that good stuff that's 'required' so you can be responsible.
We talked about her thoughts and wishes and how she wanted it to look--what I could do to help her......

And then I got mad as hell at G-d.

I know there are reasons.
I know there is purpose.
I even know there's good in all this.

I just don't LIKE it.

I also know liking it isn't required.

Face your fears.
Let others walk through it all with you.

And love.

Love lots.

Table of Organization

This isn't a T.O.
This could be adminstration in action, though! LOL

We're all critics, eh?

I'm a bit unnerved......
So much for my 'positive thinking', huh?
Oh, and I don't mean about my foot--whatever needs done there will get done.

In my end of the week meeting my boss and his boss let all of the leadership know that changes in the Table of Organization were going to happen.
I'd suppose so--seeings how my bosses boss just landed an 8.6 million dollar grant that she has to see to.

What changes? Well, we don't rightly know--and they were forthright about that.
They, of course, have thoughts on what the T.O. needs to look like, but they've not met with people individually to ask/reassign them.

Does that leave me nervous?
Uh huh.
Can I control it? Hardly--only my part in the whole schmeer.
I'm hoping I don't have a part.
I like my little comfy spot right where it is, thanksverymuch.

Do I think I'll get to stay comfy?
Hardly.

*sigh*
I have a meeting with the boss on Tuesday.
He asked for that on Friday after the meeting.

I thought I did a fairly good job of letting that one go over the weekend.
Yeah......well........the week's started and I've picked it up.
LOL Gotta give it at least two good solid days of stewing, dontchaknow!!

Positive fairies

One of our choices is choosing what we want to think - using our mental energy positively.

Positive mental energy, positive thinking, does not mean we think unrealistically or revert to denial.
If we don't like something, we respect our own opinion. If we spot a problem, we're honest about it.
If something isn't working out, we accept reality.
But we don't dwell on the negative parts of our experience.

Whatever we give energy to, we empower.
There is magic in empowering the good, because whatever we empower grows bigger.

Our choice in recovery is not whether to use affirmations.
We've been affirming thoughts and beliefs since we were old enough to speak.

The power is in the choice of what we want to affirm.

In the words of wisepersoninmylife "that which we water and nurture--we will make grow".

So far he's been right.
Whatever I put my energy and thoughts into--grows. For the good or for the not so good.

"You like letting people live rent free in your head?"

No....LOL......I don't. So when I find myself dwelling too much of 'stuff' other people have given me, I remember what a cheapskate I am. LOL

Better I spend my time and energies on the good.
Which is why I've decided to show up at the physician's and let 'em do whatever they wanna do.
I've got other 'stuff' that really could use my attention.
Like making fudge and finishing up the trays for the neighbours that are halfway there.
And grabbing those few things that are still outstanding for my holiday shopping.

And the staff's holiday party--yikes....which is this Wednesday!
I'm treatin' 'em to a pizza party.
And I've got truffle snowmen to put thankyou notes on.
Thirty four truffle snowmen.........

Whose idea was it to make homemade, personalized thankyou notes for 34 people anyway?
Don't I know how busy I am this time of year? LOL

Oh yeah.........the power of positive thinking.....
*thinking*
I'm positive I've got a whole lot of thankyous to get going on?

Hmmmm.....what's that lump......

I remember the snapping noise Saturday morning when I went to fetch myself a cup of coffee.
Hard not to remember it when the Brit heard it all the way into the study!

I just figured it was my toe cracking--which it does on occasion. (g'head and make jokes about the 'crackey-toe-ah'.....)

Only.....I'm guessing it wasn't my toe--cuz I have this weird lump on the top of my foot.

The Brit's wondering if a bone didn't slip out of its joint. Apparently he had a friend whose foot did that when they were skiing in Switzerland. The simple solution was for a doctor to put a board over her foot and whap it with a hammer.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.....
NOT signing up for that one, thanks!

It's kinda weird--if I push on it, it hurts. (yeah, yeah........simple solution is to not push on it then, huh?)
If I walk on it a lot, it bothers me--and my foot gets cold.
Now, I don't have TIME to be doing something like this....nor am I interested in walking around with this lump on the top of my foot! It's weird looking! LOL

I'm pretty clear I'm going to get to do something about it.
But I don't think I'm going to stand in line for someone putting a board to my foot and whacking it!
*shaking head*
THAT sounds more painful than living with this lump thingy.

Yeah, yeah........I'll ring the physician in the morning. I called Saturday but the office was closed and I didn't consider it an 'emergency'. It's not like my foot was falling off.
There's no real 'pain'....
There's just this lump where there shouldn't be a lump.

*grumbling*
I don't have TIME for this stuff!!
Doesn't G-d know it's a very busy time of the year?!?!!

*sigh*

The reading fairy of MY choice......

I had this 'thinking moment' once upon a time. Since I came from a dysfunctional home (alcoholic--surprise, surprise) I oughta land my rear in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). And since I married one...(LOL...can you see where this is headed?) I oughta be in AlAnon. AND, since I suffered from grave emotional problems....(oh go ahead and chuckle, I am) I oughta end up at Emotions Anonymous. (yes, there is such a 12 step support group)
This is where I get embarassed and admit that I put myself in five different meetings.
I picked up the literature and reading books for all of 'em. LOL Moderation and half measures? Not ME!
I was going to get WELL if it was the LAST thing I did, dangit!!

Wisepersoninmylife watched me running from meeting to meeting and said nothing....for a good couple of months.
By then I was so frazzled from going around warp speed with my hair on fire-- he just suggested I 'decide' on one 12 step program.....
.......and try WORKING it.

Duh.. LOL

Every once in a while I pick the literature and see what their fairies have to offer.

Okay.....generally I pick up the literature to see what their fairies have to offer cuz MY fairies have pissed me off. LOL
My fairies wanted to talk about accountability and being responsible this morning.
*rolling eyes*

I preferred THEIR fairies:

Once there was a writer who was writing a book for children. He decided to ask his son for ideas. "What would you like to tell other children?" he asked. He thought the boy would say something like, "Everybody love everybody." But instead the boy said, "Number one, ignore what your parents say about nutritious food. Number two, don't go to school."

The father laughed and thanked the boy for his ideas, even though they weren't what he expected.
He loved his son for being able to feel and express his desires so strongly.

We all have a child within us, no matter how old we are. When we honor that child, we also honor who we have become, and we free ourselves to express our truest feelings.

What does the child within me want to do today?

Yep.
Excellent question!!
And because I'm all about taking the reading fairies (of MY choice) seriously--LOL--
I've decided I've been taking life WAY too seriously and I need to play today.

:-D
Katy bar the door!!!!!!

(I highly doubt wisepersoninmylife will endorse me flipping through books til I find the reading that suits me and my attitude.....but I'll only hear about it if I tell him. LOLOLOL)

QOTW 12/9

Name one of your flaws:

Only one, eh?

I'm extremely manipulative.
*wincing*
True.
Lemme say--this surprises NOone in my life.

I make no bones about being a manipulative person. I put it out there so folks know that about me upfront.

*shrugs*

What can I say---I like being 'right' and I like 'winning'.
And I REALLY like getting my way. I don't even have to directly benifit from the 'winning'....... It's the 'victory' that I'm in for.

If the answer is 'no' I'm inclined to either figure out a way to 'do it anyway' in a manner that'll leave you feeling bad for being upset about it.
It's either that or I move into warp speed scheming and I'm working on helping you change your mind.
And you will, cuz it'll make sense for you TO change your mind.

Manipulative--that's me!

Wisepersoninmylife tells me I could sell pork to the Rabbi.........and leave him happy to have bought it.

Let the buyer beware? LOL

Small fireworks

Thursday evening, during the gala event(yes, I made it--in my stripey fringy sweater, thanksverymuch), I got introduced by a schmuck (whom I obviously have minimal professional respect for) as 'a onceuponatime psychotherapist, family therapist, program manager extraordinaire'.'

I was ruffled.

I work with kiddos and their families.

Once upon a time I indulged in private practice--I got out.
I didn't like the politics.
I didn't like the money aspect--the decision making about people's lives based on the dollar.
I wouldn't do it.
More importantly--It wasn't where I was purposed to be.
I let that go for a reason.

I didn't like the tag that was placed on me.
Could be that was all tainted by the recognized fact that I lack respect for the person tagging me.

I hesitated, which isn't like me. I generally cover better than that. I'm darn good at 'acting as if'.

My answer was to extended my hand (albeit a few seconds late) and set the record straight "Jack of all trades master of none, at your service. I WAS a psychotherapist--now I'm just psycho from hanging around the likes of HIM."
That got a chuckle.
But I wasn't chuckling.

It bothered me-----though I did apologize to the fella today at the clinical meeting.
Sassy pants me!!

Perhaps I still equate the tag with the moral dilema's I encountered.
Maybe I'm still sore at the fella who pulled that one out of his rear for, what I believe, was bad motives.

Oh....Gimme time...........I'll figure out how to blame it on the Brit. LOL

DaDuck!!

Dis.....is DaDuck.
(just in case you didn't recognize him, mind you)

DaDuck spits.
*snickering*
I have a spitting duck.

He floats really, really good in the bathtub, by the way.
And he's got good company--we have one or two duckies in the bathroom. (yes, brave guests leave the bathroom snickering--the 'proper folks' don't bother mentioning all the rubber duckies....LORD knows what they're thinkin' and I'm not sure that's any of my business....)

I was all kindsa excited about DaDuck.
Himself noticed this and offered to run me a bubble bath.
(Okay...so it's hard not to notice when I'm shoving DaDuck under your nose and loudly announcing "he SPITS....DaDuck SPITS!!")

Yep........I was all excited--grabbed fresh jammies, sprinkled smelly stuff in the bubble water, turned on the penguin lights-- and himself even put on some great music for me.

I've been a bit overwhelmed with work responsibilities, not to mention we're both hanging on to that flu crud. Getting warm and relaxed hasn't been easy as of late. *sigh*
Soaking bath sounded REAL good............and soak I did.
And what did I forget in my haste to get in that tub?
DaDuck.............*sigh*

I hollered--really I did.
That 'great music' managed to drown me out--there was no himself to rescue me.

There was that moment of indecision..........fetch DaDuck (keep in mind we've had four visitors in three hours this evening--and the solution of 'fetching' meant......ummm...fetching!) or skip DaDuck.
To fetch DaDuck or not to fetch DaDuck........LOL....that WAS the question.

Any bets? LOL

Just for the record--
He spits REAL good.
:-D

Holiday bandaids

*snickering*
No foolin'......bandaids with trees and snowmens and holly on 'em. Yup--three different prints!

I've been waiting to get an owie.....or three
I keep inspecting my hands just in case I missed when I got one.

Nope.
Nuffin'.........

I suppose there's something sick and wrong about contemplating giving yourself a papercut, huh?

Hmmmm......

When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves.
We deserve better.
Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves.
The truth is, if we don't, our unmet wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships.
We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need.
We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.

Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need. Sustained intimacy demands this.

Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want. That's called setting a boundary.
We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.

Our attitude toward our needs is important too.
We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously.
When we begin to place value and importance on our needs we'll see a remarkable change. Our wants and needs will begin to get met.

I was going to claim not having a problem with asking for what I need.
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
I don't ask for much.
There's not much that I 'need' that's left out there, not being brought to me in some form or another.

Rest time--that's probably the toughest thing I have asking for.
Even when I'm weary.
Truth is, G-d makes arrangements for me. LOL Sometimes not so pleasantly, but He does get me that time to rest.

The Brit tells me I'm a cheap date. LOL
Probably more about my 'wants'--but there you have it!

FINE!!!!!! Just................FINE!!

"Have a good day yesterday?"

Nope.
I spent the greater part of the evening tearing apart my closets. Yep.......plural--closetS.
I have a social function I get to go to.

"I know how keen you are on those......"

Ummmmm....yeah, well, I hate 'em.

"Really." (sarcasm abounds!)

Okay, okay......LET IT RIP. I totally, utterly and completely forgot about the meeting. G'head....I can take it.........

"So did you find something to wear?"

(gotta love when you give 'em permission to rip your head off and spit down your throat--and they lay in the weeds, waiting for the perfect moment......)
No--really. G'head.........I have it coming.
Tell me there wasn't cake.

"Three layers with big '31' candles. We had ice cream with it."

Oh good! I'm glad people enjoyed it!
(wrong move!! dumb, dumb, dumb!)

*sigh*
It was a doomed conversation from the get-go.

And then we talked ME and 'the boundaries of my ego'.
I don't like being social. (there's a surprise!!)
And I get to be.
It's not about better than/worse than.
It's not about measuring up--on my behalf or theirs.
It's about opportunities to be present for other people, to carry messages and to be a part OF.

*making faces*
Perhaps I don't WANT to be a 'part of'.
Most days I don't much like human beings.
They're fickle and fallible and...........mean.
I've watched television!
I like being an alien.
Alien's don't associate with earthlings much.
Wisepersoninmylife tells me that's 'the boundaries that my ego' is setting for me.
(he musta heard from the electronic reading fairies, too, huh?)

I say 'fear'.
He says 'ego'.
*making faces*
I'm not sure which comes first--I'm pretty sure wisepersoninmylife doesn't CARE which comes first..........."this isn't a program of thinking, it's a program of action".
The answer is 'go' and 'figure it out later'.
Oh.
Okay.

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!

I'll go to the stupid dinner--cuz it's the right thing to do.
(didn't show up for my own anniversary....LOL.......but I'll do the stupid dinner--they won't have cake with candles, but what the heck!!)

And I'll take a look-see at boundaries set up by my ego/fear and get over my little self.
I still say 'fear'.

His response?
"You would.................it looks nicer, huh?"
Pffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be 'still' fairy!

Accept uncertainty.
We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next.
We do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.

It is okay to temporarily be without direction.
Say, "I don't know," and be comfortable with that.
We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.

While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold.
Let go of anxiety and enjoy life.
Relax.
Do something fun.
Enjoy the love and beauty in your life.
Accomplish small tasks. They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim.

Clarity will come.
The next step will present itself.
Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.

Sounds simple.
But I'm genuinely not well versed in the 'do nothing' part of all this.

I can buy time--and think and stew and try to come up with different solutions.

It's that 'be STILL and KNOW' where I can drum my fingers and wiggle and squiggle all over the place cuz I want answers, I want solutions and I want it NOW, thanksverymuch.
*sigh*

Yeah, yeah........be STILL.
I can't even sit still for a 90 minute movie that I've waited to see forEVER. LOL

And that's WITH popcorn!

OH.......crap........

Happy Anniversary to me.

*putting head on desk*

I'm soooooooooo in trouble for not showing up to pick up my medallion tonight.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?????!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't.
Not true........I was.
I was thinking I needed to find some stupid SOMEthing or other to wear to the stupid Annual Dinner tomorrow.
Crap.
Crapcrapcrap.
*sigh*
SEE what happens when I get out of the day and start worrying about tomorrow?!?!!

Maybe wisepersoninmylife forgot, too.

HOW could I forget?
Crap.

LOL Isn't it typically ME to immediately start concocting some far fetched story as to why I didn't show up for MY OWN SOBRIETY ANNIVERSARY?!
Auuuughhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! LOLOL

*note to self*

*****note to self*****

Buy more colours for your wardrobe, Mel.

NO MORE GREEN.

Green is NOT one of your favourite colours and you have a buttload of green 'stuff' in the closet.

OH..........and MUST blame himself for that one.
Had he been hanging the clothing in the closet according to colours, you'da noticed it before now.
Yep...MUST blame him.
(careful how you do that, though....you could end up on the raw end of the deal and actually wind up getting to do laundry a whole lot more often--*shudder*)

NO MORE GREEN, Mel.
NONE.
ZILCH!!

*****end reminder*****

*muttering and sighing*

I hate when he's right.
*sigh*
Himself told me I'd be tearing apart the closet and muttering if I didn't go shop for an outfit.
Darn if he wasn't right.
*sigh*
I hate shopping.
And I hate dressing myself. LOL

Okay--semi-fancy dinner for the Annual Dinner with all the employees/board members etcetc--addnauseum.....
Yeah, yeah. Mel at the Annual Dinner. Oy.
And yes, I've been tearing apart the closet.

AND muttering, of course.

Dress suit?
Nah.
Well, maybe--the black one with the double breasted jacket.
IF I put some snazzy shell lookin' thing under it.
Okay.......pass on that one, too.
Too.....ishy. LOL

Plain ol' two piece suit with heels?
*rolling eyes*
Nope. It's a dinner, not a court appearnce.....

How about simple grey trousers and a sweater?
Or grey trousers with a grey blazer and a scarf?
*muttering*
Green?
Blue?

*sigh*
Back to black.
Black trousers with a black sweater and a scarf thingy--with a white turtleneck?
*sigh*

Do I WANNA show up for the gala affair?
*shaking head and grimacing*
Do I NEED to show up?
YES.
One of my treatment staff is getting an honourable award presented to her--unbeknownst to her. Yes--I NEED to show up.
I need to not just show up--I need to show up and be NICE and PLEASANT and SOCIAL.
Oy.

Grey trousers, white turtleneck and a stripey sweatery thingy with fringy stuff.
I'd be comfy!!
*sigh*
Black trousers?
Khaki suit?

Oh LORD I'm passing on anything with heels cuz I know I'll get to walk up front to say something kindly in front of those 400 people they're anticipating.
*sigh*

Grey.

Sweater--blazer..... Blazer--sweater....
Eeny meanie miney moe---

*muttering*
I've hated dressing myself ever since someone said I HAD to.
LOL

The Queen of More

Yeah, yeah........stuff to go to the neighbours with their tins/trays of goodies.

But THIS is the 'good stuff'.

He was 'busy' and in front of the television. WHY one would plant oneself in front of that garbage, I'll never know--but he was. I think it was the history channel. It's one of the two channels he'll actually land for more than fifteen seconds.
"There's nothing on this telly."

He's sad that he's become predictable and I can come out with it before him. I'm 'sad' for doing it with as posh and as nasally of an accent that I can muster--cuz it means some pillow being tossed in my direction or himself calling me a 'tosh or a 'mush'.
(HA............take THAT reading fairies!! I know how to get someone's attention! LOLOLOL)

And I managed to get his attention when I started tossing jingle bells around last night. Tis the season, dontchaknow!
Then I got out one of 'the boxes'.
I have a few (four) plastic boxes that hold..........little things.
Little bitty things for card making, little ribbons and doodads---all those little things that are project 'leftovers'.
And sonofagun--THAT'S where I put all those small suction cups I was looking for last week!!

Anyway.....
I whined until me made me a pin for the holidays.
I made two in an effort to show himself just how simple they were.

:-)
He made two cuz he was having so much fun. But he tells me I have to give one of his away.....cuz that would be a 'kind thing'. "Won't that be fun?".

Hellooooooooooooooo????????
He forgot who he was talking to...........the Queen of MORE!! Cuz if some is good--MORE is better!!

*sigh*

I haffta give up one of my pins.
Maybe I can bring a chocolate bar and bribe the would-be recipient during a PMS moment--pin or chocolate?

Attitude adjustment attempt #149,786

Okay.....so I made that number up.

Forgive me.
I wasn't thrilled with the reading fairies this morning.
So I did what any redblooded anti-reading fairy person would do.

*looking around*
I tossed the book.

Oh.......g'head and threaten to tell wisepersoninmylife...I'll tell on myself, as soon as I get around to it.
BTW--it's near seven at night and the darn book is still laying in the hallway. THIS is how well I have the Brit trained:
"Didn't enjoy this morning's reading I see?"

BITE me!
*rolling eyes*

As if that wasn't enough--I went to work and tried to adjust my attitude.
Different reading, of course......I wanted to play it safe and I needed to get about the business of getting over myegofilledlittleself and get on with the business of living life on life's terms.
I coulda pulled a book from the shelf and given a read--instead I felt compelled to check an online source for a 'different' reading from a 'different source':

Feeling apart from the action and always looking on; wanting attention, and yet afraid of being noticed; no doubt these are familiar memories to most of us. We may still struggle with our self-perception, but we can celebrate that we no longer drown our moods.
Connecting with the people next to us, though difficult, is no longer impossible when we rely on the program.
There is a way to be a part of the action, a way that never fails. It takes only a small effort, really.
We can simply look, with love, at someone nearby today and extend our hearts in honest attention. When we make someone else feel special, we'll become special too.
Recovery can help each of us move beyond the boundaries of our own ego. Trusting that our lives are in the loving care of God, however we understand God, relieves us of the need for self-centeredness. We can let go of ourselves now that God is in charge, and we'll discover that we have joined the action.
I will open my heart, and I'll be joined to all that's around me.

We can "look, with lovvvvvvvve, at someone nearby today and extend our hearts in honest attention"?!!!!

HELLOOOOOO???????
*gakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk*

Tossing computers isn't 'allowed'.
But I did close the window and said a few 'spiritual' words. :-\