The smell of white

Waltzing

Why can't I get ahead of this STUFF?!
It seems the solution to every speed bump that's happening pushes me back three steps.  I'm accustomed to two forward and one back--but this three back is starting to really piss me off.
Coming off the no longer effective pain medication is making me wonder if it WAS effective.  Certainly I wouldn't be having this level of pain if it weren't.  And nausea.  And sweats.  And forgetfulness past what I can deal with.  How long do I put up with this before I call the doc and tell them to put me back on what I thought wasn't working cuz it obviously was and I'll deal with the nutzoid thinking...cuz I can't do this much longer.
Talk about nutz...I won't sit down at work cuz I know getting up is gonna surpass the pain of just staying on my feet.

I'm getting really pissy about this.  Something has to give.
On the plus side, it's such a treat to leave the house mid morning with "I'm going to go play with the kiddos now!".  Sounds just as joy filled as it is.

That's my two forward for right now.  It's the three back that's pissing me off.

He's baccckkkk

Daily Reminder

Let go of the drama. Tie up loose ends. If you know where you're at with someone, you can be diplomatic, but be as clear as you can be.

Be clear with yourself,too. Watch the behavior of other people. Are they making excuses to you why they can't be with you? Are you making excuses about why they don't call? Some of us wait a long time for someone who's not even thinking about us.

Stop telling others what they want to hear, when that's not the truth. Stop telling yourself what you want to hear, when what you're telling yourself isn't true, either. Don't leave other people hanging. Don't put yourself on hold.

Be as clear as you can be, with other people and with yourself.

It's ths compassionate thing to do.

pfffttt.....*sigh*

I've not made the time to be here, to put things into black and white, to look at how change has been for the good.  I've been putting my energy into correcting my thinking evrry time my brain starts to want to do the math and come up with a negative result.  It's tough not to do that right now.
Now is not the optimal time to come off pain medications that have clearly been the source of some fairly messed up thinking.
If ya want a lot of attention REALLY fast, tell your physician some of those messy thoughts.  You get to meet all sorts of professionals in the field of mental health.
It was all I could do to not laugh.  It's not that I don't know what suicidal ideations look like.  I ought to be credible when I assure them that's not the case.
And to debate if it's the medications or me--seemed silly.  But the end result was to remove me from the medication.  Frankly, my joking about becoming the commercial's lengthy list of warnings wasn't a good choice....especially given the audience I was playing to.

And now there's the temporary reassignment into direct care.  It's something I'm very good at, something I enjoy and love dearly.  Getting to work with kiddos and families is something I lamented losing.  And now that I get to....*sigh*  Make it make sense that I'm struggling with it.
Maybe it's the change of hours, maybe it's the change of kiddos (boys versus girls), maybe it's the role they asked me to step into....maybe it's simply the timing or the fact that it's spring or that the grass is growing.  LOL. None of it makes sense in my brain, nor does it make sense in black and white.
This is why I haven't bothered.  It makes no sense....but still, it's where I'm at.

Despite my boss telling me over and over again, I wonder what the agenda is.  My brain tells me there's a hidden one.
*sigh*
I'm going to blame that on the medications, too.

Right.....see above, Mel....

Daily Thought

I am a creative being. 

I have the power of reason, the ability to think, hope and dream. 

I can envision my life not only as it is, but as I might wish it to be. 

 I can then think through the steps I might need to become more of who I am. 

I have the power to think my way into a happy point of view, to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. 

My mind can be my greatest enemy or my greatest ally. 

It depends on how I choose to use it.

Fairy Reminder

Take Better Care of Yourself

Take better care of yourself than you ever have before. That's what your heart is telling you to do.

Those times of driving yourself, depriving yourself, not being gentle and loving with yourself will no longer work. Punishing, criticizing, repressing, and denying won't bring the feelings, the growth, the result you're seeking. The harder you push, the more you relentlessly demand perfection, the worse you'll feel.

Fall in love with yourself. Be gentle, loving, kind, and attentive. Take time throughout each day to tend to your needs, just as you would tend to someone you loved deeply and dearly. Loving and caring for yourself this way won't waste time. It's not a delay. Take better care of yourself, and life's magic will return. Your life will improve. You'll feel better,too.

TFTD

In all the busyness and living, there needs to be mindfulness and careful attention paid to another part of life, too. That part is the repetitive and natural cycle that some people call "the void."

It's an empty space in our lives.

The void can be a small space in our lives—lasting a few days or weeks. Or it can go on longer. That relationship has ended. We're alone. We don't know what to do next. Or that cycle in our lives has ended– maybe we've graduated from school or college, and we don't know where to go next. Maybe our time as a parent has ended. Maybe someone we loved, a roommate or best friend, who was an important part of our lives has moved away.

Don't be afraid of the void. Postpone it for a while, if you must. Linger at dinner with friends, refusing to finish your dessert. As dark, cold, and empty as it feels, the void is a friendly place. Its rhythms are slower and often more confusing than other cycles in our lives, but the rhythms of this cycle are still there.

Remember those quiet times in your life, the ones you've gone through before, when one cycle has ended and another has not yet begun. Remind yourself when that void comes along that you don't have to be frightened of it. It's not the end. It's only a creative and necessary pause, a cycle of its own, in the cycles and rhythms of life.

Thought for Today

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.
–Agnes DeMille

The day ahead offers us choices of many kinds–some big ones, many that will affect other persons close to us, a few that will have profound effects on our destiny. But no choice, no decision we make, will be wrong. A particular decision may lead us slightly astray. Down a dead-end path perhaps–but we can always turn back and choose again.

We are seldom aware of the gravity of a particular choice at the time of making it. Only hindsight reveals the wisdom of an important choice. Nevertheless, no choice is without importance in the overall picture of our lives. And at the same time, no choice is all-powerful regarding our destiny. We are offered chances again and again for making the right choices, the ones that will most contribute to the bigger plan for our lives.

Daily Reading

The Old Man said,`you are both ugly and handsome and you must accept your ugliness as well as your handsomeness in order to really accept yourself."
–Larry P. Aitken, CHIPPEWA

My Grandfather told me one time that any person who is judgmental to another is also judgmental to themselves. If we want to be free of being judgmental, we need to first work on how judgmental we are to ourselves. If we quit judging ourselves and start accepting ourselves as we are, we will start accepting others as they are. Then we will experience a level of new freedom.

TFTD

Personal Gains

One of the hard lessons of life is that we can't always "win" in the worldly game for prestige, power, and property. It is especially galling to see rewards going to others that don't seem to have earned them. Much of the world's conflict, in fact, grows out of disputes over what rightfully belongs to whom.

Todaye need a higher perspective than what we're likely to find in the brawling world around us. Rather than demanding rights to anything, we should know that everything is part of a spiritual world. The real meaning of the last line of The Lord's Prayer is that all power, prestige, and property belong to our Higher Power. Whatever we have or will acquire is only temporary, at best, and can easily be lost through wrong thinking and bad actions.

Emmet Fox, whose writings guided the early A members, taught that we possess things only through "rights of consciousness." In perfectly legitimate ways, we will always possess whatever is necessary for our real work in this life. If one door closes, another will always open. We do not have to envy anything that others possess, nor should we attempt to wrestle it from them. God will always lead us to whatever we need for our highest good.