Excuse me......

.....while I grab my pen and a box of stationery.

I'm going to write a letter dontchaknow.

:-)

Geeze. Aside from holiday cards with a note--the last letter I penned was........

........sadly, I cannot remember when.....

Dam Gray Day

Fairy Reading

Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it.

A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.

Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path. Be open to the new.

Yup......

<-- This one!

Been there, done that....gettin' the tshirt......

Yep, well.....we're doing the best we can with what we have I guess.

Sister went to a godsons' basketball game this weekend -- even took an hour and went for coffee with her honey. It's good for a bit of normalcy. She's struggling with the eating bit at the moment, painful from the biopsy and bad habits, I suspect. But she's trying. And she's letting people help her with that.

She went in for the results of the biopsy since no one would share them with her over the phone. No. They won't.

That's standard protocol. Seeing it in writing for the first time is a tough thing. I dunno if the plan is to give it to you in bits and pieces, over and over and over again. Maybe that's how we need to get it to GET it.

She keeps saying "It'll be okay."
I acknowledge that it's scary and hard and overwhelming--but we'll do what we need to do. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Hard she can do, she says--she just wants to be okay.

I don't know the details. None of us get to have some guarantee that if we do A....B WILL happen. I wish I could give that to her. I can't. But we're not going there today.

I don't want to go there today....and she's not ready to go there today.

I'll meet her when she goes there, I guess. IF she goes there.

Until then, I'm her reminder that she's the 'rarity' and we share some genetics here--the I WILL is in her and she needs to be fiesty and embrace that for all it's worth.

In the meantime, the insurance company cancelled the PET scan for Tuesday since she'll be going to UCLA. They want to do their own tests. I know that drill, too. That's standard operating procedure for University Hospitals. They want to do their own tests--and it doesn't matter if you've done them a week ago......they want to do their own.

Yeah, well.....it's official.

It's in writing.

They both saw it, they're both doing what they can to just 'deal'.

They need some huggin' time. Some time to just absorb the tidbits they heard and saw.




She told me she thinks she might want that '***k Cancer!!' tshirt.

Yup......I'll get it ordered and sent.

One for her.

One for him.

G-d's Ice

TFTD

On occasion, our problems seem overwhelming, and we don't know where to turn. Our job is stressful. Our health is failing. But many of us face no truly threatening situations, and we still have problems. Being alive, being human, means having experiences that trouble us.

It's hard to ask for help when we are in a troubling situation because we fear that means we are inadequate. After all, we are grown men and women who have taken care of others and ourselves for years. We don't have the wisdom to handle every situation, and yet we think we should. Seeking guidance from others gets easier with practice. Asking for help is a learned behavior. And practice we must!

But just as important as the seeking is the receiving. Are we actually open to the wisdom offered? Do we want it badly enough to truly listen to the guidance?

.....ya put your left hand in, ya put your left hand out....lalalalala

Today's Reminder from the Reading Fairy

Each passing minute is all that we are certain of having. The choice is ever present to relish the moment, reaping fully whatever its benefits, knowing that we are being given just what we need each day of our lives. We must not pass up what is offered today.

Time accompanies us like a friend, though often a friend denied or ignored. We can't recapture what was offered yesterday. It's gone. All that stands before us is here, now.

We can nurture the moment and know that the pain and pleasures offered us with each moment are our friends, the teachers our inner selves await. And we can be mindful that this time, this combination of events and people, won't come again. They are the gift of the present. We can be grateful.

We miss the opportunities the day offers because we don't recognize the experiences as the lessons designed for the next stage of our development. The moment's offerings are just, necessary, and friendly to our spiritual growth.

I will take today in my arms and love it. I will love all it offers; it is a friend bearing gifts galore.

Hullo cow!!!!

Fairy Reading

Be secure in who you are.

You may look at others and what they have and wish you had the same characteristics or were in the same place as they. Ultimately, how you feel about who you are determines your level of self-esteem. Even though there are things you want to change about yourself, these things make up who you are today. No matter what your defects or imperfections, accept who you are in the present moment.

Today I will appreciate who I am and what I have.

New day......

Last week.......this week.

Feels a bit upside down. But it feels less upside down than it was earlier.

I know 'facts' do that for me, even if I don't like them. Dealing in unknowns leaves too much to my imagination. And I do have a creative imagination. I'm guessing that's fairly 'human' of me.

I don't 'blame G-d'. I'm not angry with Him for the circumstances.
I'm not prepared to lose a sister--but I might and I know that.

That loss could have happened six months ago when she got rearended on the LA freeway......or yesterday or tomorrow. I know it's a false sense of security that I hold on to.

Another human factor, we think 'know' we're on borrowed time and we still trek through our todays like there's an unlimited amount for us and the ones around us.

Maybe that's the best we can do....dunno.

I'd like to profess that this was my wake-up call....again..... I know better. I've 'gotten my affairs in order' more than once and STILL I can inch from the stark truth about my mortality and the mortality of everyone around me.

Do I need to be paralyzed by it? I was....more than once. I found myself there for a bit this week.
I don't get to stay there. That doesn't serve anyone.

What's the truth here.........

I get cocky.

I get complacent.
I get deluded by my own stupid thinking.

I get 'time' under my belt and I start to think in terms of next year or the year following.....and 'NOW' becomes a distant thing.

I put ME under the 'eligible' umbrella and stumble every time it's NOT me and it's someone that has touched my life.

I get out of today way too often.

I need to knock that off.

*sigh*

This has not been an easy seven days--physically, emotionally and spiritually it's been taxing.
But it's okay.

We'll get through what we need to get through. I'm more centered and less frazzled.

New day, I guess. Just do what's in front of you.....

She's got the PET scan on Tuesday and an appointment on Thursday with the top Doc at UCLA. THAT freaked her out. *laughing* I'm not sure why..........after all, she's a gentle soul.

She's 'sure he's nice enough' even though she's not met him yet.

I assured her --I wouldn't claim that the oncologist I see.....is 'nice'. He possesses a bit of arrogance and can be demanding, rude and bit ***hole-ish on occasion. But he's damn good at what he does. And he likes to win.

She's now 'hoping he's a bit of a prick'.

*laughing* G-d love her......

Snow on the roof

Today's Reading

Everybody makes mistakes. The difference now is that I can see them more clearly afterward, and I am not living in denial about them.

If I become too critical of myself when I do make a mistake, I can remind myself that it's part of being human. I can remind myself that it's a learning experience and a mistake I won't make so easily in the future. Mistakes are not made intentionally, but they are errors caused by a lack of information or lack of attention.

Today I pay attention more than ever before and have more information than I ever have had. Mistakes will still happen, but they probably won't be as serious or dangerous as they were in my past. I can allow myself to make mistakes, understanding that when I give myself this freedom, I am accepting myself for who I am and loving myself unconditionally.

The really cheap seats

Home again, home again.....jiggity jig jig

The good news for today......she's home!

Truly, this is a good thing. Yeah, I know she feels shitty--but she can feel shitty in her own home, get some puppy lovin' and snuggle with her honey without some priest walking in on 'em. LOL

This truly is a good thing.

And I got to talk with her--leastwise for a bit. We've spent much of the time texting--it's not exactly 'fun' trying to talk after they slice up your tongue.

She's been glad for my understanding that. Apparently other folks don't? Dunno......

She's home. She slept in her own bed and showered in her shower and wore her own jammies.

And I gave her hell. Go figure......I'm such a loving sister.

I'm not worried about that emotional 'fight' being non-existent in her. She's feisty and she's a fighter--told her that......it's the physical strength that I'm concerned about. She's dropped weight in the back part of last year cuz the doc wanted her to--not all bad given that she's diabetic.
Except she dropped it awful fast and through bad habits.....and liked the results. *sigh* And now she needs the bit of meat to her bones to carry her through this.....and she ain't got it. And today it's tough to put anything into her mouth on top of it.

Sipping that protein drink on the patio, soaking in some sunlight and warmth?

Yes!

Uh huh......photographic evidence IS required!

No mercy?

NO MERCY!

She sent the photo. I told her hubby I'd be on her and I'd appear 'unsympathetic'. And I told her I love her way tooooo much.

Stage three. This much they've told her.

There's a 4mm and a 2mm tumor that need removed from the tongue.
There's a PET scan that will happen because there's a lymph node that's affected and they need to see if there's more in other places. If it has, that'll change their mind on what stage it is, and they'll change their mind on the course of what they'll need to do......or what they're willing to do.

I told my sister I love too much. And she'd have to excuse my language and trust my heart.......

But **** cancer.

I don't 'hate'....really, I don't. Not people.....I can't bring myself to be hateful. I think G-d won't let me be that any more.

But I HATE what cancer does to the lives of the people it invades. Directly or indirectly.

I hate it..........

Reading for the Day

Belief systems don't simply occur in our lives mysteriously. We consciously choose that which we adhere to, whether we realize this or not. Sometimes our families foisted their beliefs on us, even when they weren't comfortable to us. Until we were old enough to decide what fit us better, we may have had little recourse. Later, we may have adopted beliefs that matched those of our peers - even though these beliefs contradicted our personal ethics.

Acknowledging the existence of an underlying set of values gives us both security and relief. It means we don't have to spend many valuable hours worrying about the right thing to do in every situation. The actions that fit our belief systems will be obvious. Let's be willing to monitor how our beliefs impact the lives of those around us. It's never too late to consider changing them.

Today's experiences will reflect what I choose to believe.

Another day, another answer

Sometimes I forget to cry.

I do.

I flip over into helping others and I forget to feel/do. I just think that's part of my 'job', it's a piece of who I was designed to be.

The sister asked the oncologist exactly what she could be looking at and he was pretty candid. Shellshock happens when you get that much information.

It just does. You hear bits and pieces and then your own brain kicks in and starts this inner dialogue and you miss pieces here and there--some times huge pieces.

The brother-in-law was just looking for a bit of help--didn't ask for it, but not unlike others, he wasn't sure what to do with the information. Especially given that it got messy for her. He heard bits of what she heard--and more. She got silent. He texted me.

They're moving ahead and treating it as if--undoubtedly because it's a matter of staging the growth and deciding the course of treatment. We're missing that piece. The results of the biopsy won't be back until tomorrow or the day following.
She heard surgery, potential loss of part of the tongue, PET scans, radiation.

He heard that and then some.

And all I could do was remind him--

She's your one and only. Always will be, you told me. She just needs to hear that you'll love her madly through all of it and that fact isn't changing.

She's committed to fight. You're her one and only. That ain't changing either, yaknow? The two of you can do this--and will, with help from the people who love both of you madly.

That was enough to move him past the paralysis, enough to get them talking and crying and moving through some of this together. And it was enough to let me breathe--cuz I know he's loving her through this the best he can and if he gets stuck, he'll find me.

Which is good. For him. For her. For me.

Oral cancer.

She's never smoked. Ever.

She's never used tobacco in any form.

She can't even drink more than half a drink without getting loopy and silly.
There's no history of oral cancer in the family tree.
Nothing.

I want the rest of the facts. And then I'm going to piece together the 'what next'.

Maybe then I'll do more than get choked up and take a few deep breaths.

She's my only.

My ONLY.

Oh gawd.....NOW I'm freaking welling up and I don't have the time nor the energy........

Silence

Again with the wait.......

In.

Out.

Done.

That's my idea of anything unpleasant that needs doing. Get in, get it done, get out.

The brother-in-law is worried about taking her home today.

I don't fault him. She went in with infection and that's better--she was just getting strength back via the antibiotics. And then there was the surgical biopsy yesterday which left her bruised and bloodied. Of course he's feeling worried.

I think we spent the whole afternoon texting in between this meeting and that.....and even during. He loves her well. And keeping her in the hospital meant the tests that would have taken weeks as outpatient, have now been done in a matter of three days.

Except how she'll be discharged for healing at home and he's worried.

And then there's the 2 day wait on the biopsy results to put on top of that.

I asked if it was time for me to get on a plane......he suggested 'wait'.
I've been trying to wait, buy time, see what we're dealing with........give the two of them time to sort through whatever needs sorted through.

But truth be told, I'm not a very at this.

I know how I want it handled when it's me on the end of the mess. She's always been advised prior to the rest of the world, once I can get my facts straightened around--and she's always supported and agreed with my insane way of dealing with the stuff.

I'll continue to wait.
I know it'll be scary, returning her to the home today. I also believe being in her own home, getting puppy love and being able to cuddle with your husband without the parish priest walking in (LOL.......TRUE story!) will be good for her healing.

I so love that the brother-in-law scrambled and turned all sorts of red.... and that the Priests response was "No, no--don't get up on my account". LOL

~~~~~~~~

From my heart, I thank everyone for the prayers and positive thoughts being sent.

I know G-d hears.

Today's Fairy Thought

Many of us learned as children that rejection and abandonment are part and parcel of being alive. We are so used to feeling as though things won't work out, that fear - like a shadow - is always lurking behind us. Usually there's something specific to be afraid of - that we won't have enough money to pay our bills, someone we love will die, or our children won't do well in school. And always there's the generalized fear that events will overwhelm us in spite of our best efforts.

We need to be careful about creating what we look for. Regardless of the frightening experiences of the past, we need to believe that other results are possible: All loved ones don't leave, all risks don't end in devastation, and all efforts aren't dashed on the rocks of defeat.

New consequences are possible when we believe they're possible. The brave new world that each of us seeks stands on the shoulders of that belief.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! :-)

<-- see this?

I'm ALL about this and I'm excited!!

A visit to a web log brought me to a link that brought me to this exercise in what I love doing and got away from!

Yup. I'm IN!

1. In the month of February, mail at least one item through the post every day it runs. Write a postcard, a letter, send a picture, or a cutting from a newspaper, or a fabric swatch.
2. Write back to everyone who writes to you. This can count as one of your mailed items.

HOW cool will this be?!

I can dig out stationary and get cool stamps and even bust out my very cool pens!

Oh. And CARDS! I can send cards, even.

Okay....I know it's sad I've let it go--what's important is that I get to pick it up again!

:-)

Oh, who's counting.....

Reading for the Day

You can feel only your own feelings, not another person's.

Having empathy for those we love, and being able to share their joys and sorrows, is part of our nature as warm, caring human beings. Taken to an extreme, however, too much empathy can mean that we lose our boundaries as emotionally separate individuals. When that happens, nobody wins.

We're responsible for our own feelings. If we're too deeply involved in another person's emotional state, we may not be truly aware of our own feelings. If we take on someone else's response to a situation, we lose our own in the process.

In any situation, particularly one that is highly charged with negative emotions, we need to maintain a sense of self. If we allow ourselves to be swept up in the anger, fear, grief, or despair of someone close to us, we become less capable of giving help and support. Emotional maturity is one of the goals of recovery. We progress toward it as we differentiate how we feel from how another person appears to feel.

I can respect the feelings of others without making them my own.

Still buying time........

There's good news. The mass in the neck isn't of concern.

The other one, however, isn't infection and it's a mass/tumor.

They'll biopsy it tomorrow.

It's rare for smokers to end up with oral cancer--unheard of for non-smokers.

She's a rarity, alright.......I knew that one.
I'd like the unheard of to remain that way. I'm not certain I'll get my way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for what it's not in other places.

I'd like the results of the biopsy and I'm buying time....best I can......

And I've refrained from researching. I know better at this point.

But her heart's happy from the videos of the Bug-- There was the horn tootin' 'Feel better Aunt *****!! and then there was the one of prayer time...."dear g-d, please make aunt **** puke". ROFL Apparently 'make her feel better' and 'make her puke' got confused in that 2 year old brain. It's priceless nonetheless......and loved no doubt.

And she's wrapped in the quilt I made her years ago--her husband tells me she finds great comfort with it there. He brought it for her yesterday because he knew without being asked. That's how much he loves and knows the sister..... He's a good guy. But that only makes sense, huh.

I'm too far away.

And for today, I guess I get to remain where I am.

I'm buying time......

And praying.

And being grateful for all the prayers and positive thoughts going in that direction.

She truly is the 'gentle soul'.

I love her beyond beyond.

And I need to make her a new quilt for goodness sakes!

Trickle

Fairy Thought

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

--Winston Churchill

As we grow spiritually, we naturally become more generous. It's a quality of a well-developed person. Rather than being anxious over whether we will have enough - and rather than hungrily seeking more and more - we become more openhearted. We feel more abundant within ourselves and find that our spirit of generosity even adds to our own abundant feelings. Where we see a need, we help out.

A generous person doesn't need to shower others with material gifts. The most precious gifts are things such as paying attention to others, respecting them for who they are, and giving our time. Often a material gift is a symbol of the good feelings in a relationship. In our generosity, we also learn to receive others' gifts to us with humility and respect.

Dunno.......

It's been difficult. The phone isn't close enough to her bed--she can't reach it. And even when I talk with her on the phone, I can't understand her from the swelling.

The ENT wasn't in their 'insurance network'. They were going to get to wait until Monday to schedule tests--until he told her he had land in Iowa...and she's such a 'kind soul'... So he picked her up and they're running tests today. He told her he'd fight for her, but that she's got a lot of work ahead of her.

Will he say it's cancer--no. Not until the biopsy is completed. But first they have to locate the mass and find out what size it is.

The MRI was done this morning. She's overhearing doctors talk--there's a mass near the vocal cords. She's scared.

And I'm tearful at the drop of a hat.

This wasn't suppose to find her, yaknow?

Buy time, wait....see what the tests turn up.

I refuse to 'research' oral cancers.

I don't want to know yet.

I don't like this weekend.

But I've accomplished a whole lot of cleaning 'out' of stuff.

And I've texted like nuts....cuz she can do that.

I think I'll find a cupboard to clear out.

Fairy Fluff....

We need to allow enough room for others and ourselves to have and work through our feelings.

We are people, not robots. An important part of us - who we are, how we grow, how we live - is connected to our emotional center. We have feelings, sometimes - difficult ones, sometimes-disruptive ones, and sometimes-explosive ones that need to be worked through.

By facing and working through these feelings we and others grow. In relationships, whether it be a love relationship, a friendship, a family relationship, or a close business relationship, people need room to have and work through their feelings.

Some call it "going through the process."

We need time to work through feelings. We need the space and permission to work through these feelings in the awkward, uncomfortable, sometimes messy way that people work through feelings.

This is life. This is growth. This is okay.

Things to do when when you're bored:

• Clear out that junk drawer. C'mon.....how many pencils do you REALLY need?!
• Clear the magnets from the front of the fridge--locate other ones. HOW do I get so many magnets.....dunno..... But I have cool Snoopy ones now!
• Clean off the grime from the top of the fridge. O M G
• Centrally locate all the new toys and consider the construction of a new box to store 'em in.
• Dispose utensils from the kitchen drawer that haven't been used in the past year. And really--WHY do we need a pastry brush anyway?
• Laundry. There's ALWAYS laundry.
• Straighten the linen closet. Toss out multiple table cloths that don't and won't get used. Seriously--one had pictures of fruit and looked like it was from the 60's.
• Dust the bookshelves....after alphabetizing the books by author. OMG that's sooooooo anal.
• Pack away the deals picked up after the holidays....for the next holiday.
• Box up read books for the sharing.
• Clean the wash machine. Yes. I cleaned the wash machine. *sigh*
• Clean the shower curtain and shower walls. I musta been desperate, huh?
• Dust the ceiling fan(s). Yeahyeah.....

And I made a run to the grocery store for some Colby-Jack cheese........only to later discover we had some in another compartment of the fridge.

And there was the shoveling of driveways that snowplows decided to clog up.

And making a snow angel or three......

All in all--a rather bizarre way to spend the day.

But it worked.

Yup!

Per request....

Why is it people find it entertaining that I get snow in all sorts of interesting places when I flop down on the white stuff and start wavin'?

Hmmmmmpf!

Pffffffffffttt!

Ice Water

So......

I do okay when it's me.

Not so much when it's the one sister that I remain connected to as my family.

Swollen tongue--originally she was told to schedule an appointment with and ENT and she ended up in the ER because her spousal unit didn't think waiting until Monday was the right plan.

The CT showed a growth on the tongue and they're waiting to biopsy it--potentially today. That was the last text at 4am this morning.

It vibrated through the night as she spent 9 hours in the ER waiting, testing and waiting some more. They finally admitted her at 2am her time.

*sigh*

I really do okay when it's me.

I wrap my head around what needs done, how to present it and what I need to do...one step at a time.
I don't know how to do it with her. She got all the 'nice' genes. She's nothing BUT a loving human being.

Wait. Buy time. Don't try to borrow troubles......and try to just do what's in front of me, I guess.

There's a lot to do--an additional 7-10 inches of snow yesterday means a bit of snow removal.

I'll do that.

Ummm.......Fairy Stuff

Love is a positive feeling and if one cultivates this feeling in their life, they will surely free themselves from any unbalanced condition that surrounds them.
--Syd Banks

Anger, whether unfocused or triggered by a troubling experience or a hostile person, discolors our perspective through an afternoon or a full day, perhaps even a week. Our understanding of events is always directly related to the attitude we've chosen to harbor. No situation or person, however difficult, has the power to steal away our happiness without our passive consent.

So willingly we humans adopt negative attitudes. With grandiose egos, we resent rain pouring on our picnic plans or a friend's illness canceling an engagement. Our choices for actions, feelings, or attitudes are far greater than those we habitually turn to. And it's likely we know love least of all. But just as anger breeds more anger, love cultivates more love, and each life that's touched by love profits from it.

When we make a decision to practice love unconditionally - loving ourselves, our neighbors and co-workers, even the snarling strangers sharing our traffic jam, we'll quickly experience the miracle of love in our own lives.

Behind door number one.....

TFTD

To leave someone we love is to knowingly break a vital connection. Even if we chose to leave, we wonder why it often hurts so much. But the heart isn't logical; it feels the trauma of the loss and the responsibility of being the one to say good-bye.

Love is a process; it doesn't end because we say good-bye. No matter how painful or harmful a relationship was, there were good things about it, just as there were lovable things about the other person. The challenge is to accept with grace the choice we've made and to forgive whatever hurt we've received. We can refuse to indulge in self-righteousness or indignation. Those feelings are born out of the illusion of power that comes with being the one who leaves. Most of all, we can grieve the loss and then let go of the person we loved so that we can heal.

I have to break some relationships because it is healthier for me. Still, I can hurt and grieve over the loss of those relationships.

River Slush

Yup--true.

Yup. I have buttons that can be pushed.

And I'm very conscious of what those are.

I had a 'lean forward' while I talk moment when a staff member tried to use the 'other people do x, y, and z and I'm in trouble for doing m?'.

A. I ain't talkin' to 'other people'.

B. I ain't talking 'other people' with you.

C. I don't accept that from children, I won't except that from an adult.

Fankly, I know I'm a demanding person--but we're talking the lives of others here. I will not be effective if I'm demanding something I'm not delivering. I grew up in one of those 'do as I say not as I do' households. I know how effective that brand of parenting is.

I turned out 'okay'......but it wasn't via the 'do as I say not as I do' parenting. It was through the demonstration of the values/principles that were demanded of me. So when you try to shift the focus to 'other people' as a defense for your lousy choices and try to excuse the poor modeling--notsomuch going over well with me.

Dunno about others, but I've noted that 'lean forward' deal with me--I tend to go there when there's a button that's been pushed and I'm 'meaning what I say with great determination to get you to hear it'.

I gotta quit doing that. I'm very sure I come across intimidating to the person I'm speaking to. I'm passionate about some things--and when those get rearranged in the list of priorities and you try to pass me the 'please excuse soandso from being responsible for their choices' card--yup......leaning forward happens.

I self correct! I'll give myself that. AFTER the leaning forward happens.

Oy........

Small wonder folks see me as a very demanding person with high expectations for principled behavior.

I am.

Sit back.

Breathe.

Pause.

Fold my hands maybe.

The GOOD news is I don't have that first thought that I used to have!

'Strangle 'em' NEVER entered my brain.

:-/

TY Fairy!

I will know peace when . . .

I acknowledge that I have buttons

that can be pushed.

Isn't is amazing that you can be kind and loving to one person and within moments, bite somebody's else's head off? Of course you tell yourself it was their fault. You allow yourself to believe that it was the way they spoke to you or, looked at you. It may seem to be true that while you can be on your best behavior with some people, other people seem to bring out the worst in you. Some people really know how to push your buttons! That's right! Your buttons. How you respond has nothing to do with anyone else. It's all about you.

Your greatest adversary is also your greatest teacher. Like it or not, it is the job of certain people in your life to bring out the worst in you. What they trigger and bring out is already in you. They have come to teach what you are capable of doing when you get triggered; when your back goes up; when your claws come out. They have come to give you an opportunity to heal. These people love you so much that they have taken time out of their life to come into your life to ruffle your feathers so that you go within and heal. It may not feel like a wonderful experience, but just knowing that someone can get on your last nerve, can shake your foundation, can look in your kitchen and see your mess means that you have something that needs to be healed. What you think about them needs to be healed. Don't waste your time being mad at them. Be about the business of healing yourself!

Until today, you may have believed that it was perfectly fine to be nice sometimes and wicked at others. Just for today, thank everyone and anyone who can push your buttons. Realize that they are providing you with a wonderful and divine opportunity for healing.

Today, I am devoted to healing the sore, tender, wounded places in my heart and mind!

River Walk

'.......why's that?'

The new boss asked me to fill out 'my section' of my performance review.

I wanted to ask 'why's that?'....I assumed it would be perceived as a smartarse remark.

I filled it out.

Apparently I failed to submit it.

When he rang me to let me know that, I told him about the above and suggested perhaps it was a question I needed to ask.

You see, I'm on a performance plan. Well, I was on a performance plan......until it got altered to a corrective work plan.

Amazingly, it was altered after the CEO told me the work that I'd done in the past 60 days was amazing and more than could have been asked. However, because of the change of supervision to the new boss--weeks later I was presented with the corrective plan.
Why's that...I do not know. But there you have it.

This despite the recognition that my performance has never been an issue. My work has never been questionable. My investment and dedication to the profession has been exemplary.

So why's that?

Because I did what I needed to do to survive a car-wreck while salvaging 20 some exemplary staff from tenuring their resignations--at the cost of internal paperwork taking a backseat and my presence in places that I simply opted to be at because of the wreckage needing to be sifted through and dealt with.

Now, you'd think after double digit years of exemplary service one would question the sudden blip in performance. And it was--with a performance plan as the answer. I got past the anger (oh, yes, I was angry.......wow was I angry......) and got to work.
I cleared up my self created mess and then some. It was the 'and then some' that the CEO was 'amazed' about.
Why's that? Dunno--it's nothing that I wasn't about for the past double digits worth of service.

But I do know what was called to my attention.

I'd spent multiple years not acting the administrator that I am. That's true. Compare my actions to the actions of other administrator, I stand out. But as I noted for her and my boss(es), I stand out no matter what I do. Define the actions and I'll do those--but I'm going to stand out because I'm a 'stand out' kinda gal. As much as I can try to blend in--that's not happening. I alter my behavior to any behavior defined as suitable/required behavior for an administrator, but I guarantee that I will not succeed at 'blending in'.

I altered multiple things, set up a different routine and took myself out of the equation that I no longer needed (or was allowed) to be a part of. I have an office--and I now use it. Scary but true.....

So what's to fill out on the performance review? The new boss and I, the old boss and I, the CEO and I--we've all been over it multiple times in the past few months......what's to fill out?
We're all very well aware of my performance.

I told him I'd filled out my section--and that perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that 'submit' got missed.
There's something humbling about filling out 'your part' and hitting the 'failed to meet expectations' button.

Frankly, I was rather tearful after completing 'my section'.

I'm not angry.

I'm sad. I let him know that I do not regret the decisions I made in the circumstances. They were the right things to do.

What I regret is not trying harder to tend to those things I knew were expected while I was dealing with the wreck and the wreckage.

I've learned some invaluable things--grown from the experiences and discovered some very cool things. All this 'stuff' attached -- just 'stuff'.......and good things have materialized from it. That's how it works for me. Nothing is all 'bad'. And what gets brought to me, I walk through. Sometimes with dignity and grace......sometimes notsomuch. But it always gets walked through and I end up wiser for the experience. Every time.

'You're a pleasure to supervise.'

And my answer to that?

.....another 'why's that?'.

'Because no matter what the situation creates, you're going to take responsibility for your part, your people and your program.'

Yup.

No matter what.

TFTD

I will know peace when . . .

fear no longer controls what I do not do.

How long have you been living with the fear of being hurt? Being abandoned? Or, being rejected? What have these fears motivated you to do? More important, what have they motivated you not to do? When you live with the fear of being hurt, it is difficult to experience peace. When you hold back in fear of being abandoned, you will not find peace. When you move through life avoiding the fear of being rejected, you also avoid the peace of love.

The average human being will go to any lengths to avoid the experience of being hurt, being abandoned or, being rejected. In order to protect themselves, there are people who will not indulge in personal contact or closeness. Some of them will go so far as to strike first, hurting others before they can be hurt. When you are afraid to be hurt, you can spend a better part of your lifetime on the lookout for hurt, expecting to be hurt. There is something you must remember. What you expect you usually get!

You cannot experience the fullness of your authentic self or life when you live to avoid hurt. You will never know the joy of love or the peaceful satisfaction of being loved if you hide from hurt. When hurt is the focus, the heart closes. When your heart is closed, your mind fills with every idea about hurt, every belief in hurt, what hurt can do to you and, how hurt happens. Get out of your head! It is your fear of hurt that is destroying your peace of mind and your chance to be loved.

Until today, you may have believed that if you could avoid being hurt, you will live a peaceful life. Just for today, consider all of the life, love and peace you are missing out on in your attempt to avoid being hurt.

Today I am opening my heart to the fullness of life and love with no expectation of being hurt!

Ohdear....

Oh dear it's snowing.

Please note that's said with no emotion whatsoever--with a bit of sarcasm.

I shall have to cancel my appointment for the morning.

Yaknow--the one I cancelled last week because of white stuff.

Ohdearit'ssnowing.

:-D

I shall have to shuffle and make tracks and consider a snow angel.

No snow angel happened with the other 8 inches we received.

*blushing* Convinced I wouldn't be able to get up without ruining the lovely angel.

NO TELLING!!!

.......just sayin'......

A bit of white

Today's Reading

If you have many things you are not free to come and go in life, you are not prosperous. If you have things to do and protect that you think others can take away from you, you are not prosperous. If you are not comfortable with yourself no matter where you are, you are not prosperous. If you believe others can take your ideas, you mate, your things, you are not comfortable. Prosperity is a state of mind. When worry or fear crowd your mind, you cannot be prosperous. If you know you will eat even when you don't have a dime, you are prosperous. When you can love and give all that you have, you are prosperous. When you do what you love without pay or reward, you are prosperous. When you do what you can because you can, not for money only, you are prosperous. When you love all people for who they are, not for what they can give you, you are a wealthy being. Prosperity is a state of mind.

The richer I think, the richer I Am.

Uh huh, messiness abounds!

I don't wonder how I get into messy, uncomfortable moments--I know darn well how I land up there.

I simply tell the truth.

Sometimes that's enough to do it!

And I'm even doing it in the manner that's 'necessary, kind and true'.

I really mean it when I say "I'm confused........" Especially when what they're saying today isn't matching what they said two months ago.

Now, this questioning might be perfectly acceptable in an A.A. meeting.

However......ummmm......around a table with administrators and CEO's.....

Lemme assure you, it makes for some very uncomfortable moments.

It's interesting what silence does for a room full of people.

.....But not necessarily for me.....

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh no--I forge on to "I'm sorry, but I truly am confused. And I while I understand that things change--can you please tell me which is true today?"

The new boss assures me that I'm not the problem even if it feels like I am the problem.

I assured him I don't feel like the problem.
I'm pretty sure he's feeling like he's picked UP the problem...LOL But I know better than to buy into wearing what others decide I am. And I let him know that.

I also let him know his tie rocked.

He, on the other hand, told me my duck quacking whistle rocked more than the tie--and that he was pretty sure no one picked that whistle out for me to wear with my jacket today.

Yup.

He'd be right about that one!!!

I chose the duck quacking whistle all by my little lonesome! :-)

<-- feeling smug about that one!

The Penguin Adventure

Today's Fairy Thought

I will know peace when . . .

I am willing to be peaceful.

Fighting to have your way does not increase your peace.

Fighting others about their ways does not increase your peace.

Refusing to acknowledge when you have made a mistake does not increase your peace.

Going to extraordinary lengths to avoid making a mistake does not increase your peace.

Refusing to acknowledge and embrace your shortcomings does not increase your peace.

Pointing out the short comings of others does not increase your peace.

Trying to fix other people does not increase your peace.

Constantly telling yourself there is something wrong with you does not increase your peace.

Not asking for what you want does not increase your peace.

Accepting less than you want does not increase your peace.

Trying to prove your worth and value does not increase your peace.

Refusing to accept that others are worthy or valuable does not increase your peace.

Failing to take responsibility for yourself does not increase your peace.

Taking on the responsibility for the lives of others does not increase your peace.

Avoiding unpleasant things does not increase your peace.

Trusting that you are always doing the very best you can will and does increase your peace.

Umm....no thank you.

Yeah, well.....sometimes he-who-pays-attention-to-the-news likes to share with me-who-frankly-ain't-interested.

'Oh--here's an interesting one..... California man suspected of poisoning wife's cereal '

I did listen to bits and pieces. I wanna hear HAPPY news, tyvm....but I did listen in my semi-caffeinated state--just enough, I'm thinkin'.....

'Right then. How about I make breakfast.'

<-- smart one

<-- passed on breakfast

.......He did kinda sorta look a tad disappointed.

:-/

Settled

Fairy Diddy

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.

Mugshot

Fairy Reminder

You are here:

To gain character as you lose ego

To gain integrity as you lose dishonesty

To gain strength as you lose fear

To gain compassion as you lose disappointment

To gain discipline as you lose willfullness

To gain equality as you lose separation

To gain appreciation as you lose resentment

To gain enthusiasm as you lose hostility

To gain tenderness as you lose rigidity

To gain boldness as you lose bitterness

To gain generosity as you lose selfishness

To gain optimism as you lose inadequacy

To gain excitement as you lose embarrassment;

To gain gratitude as you lose greed

To gain love as you lose ignorance

Day 3

'look closer and closer and look further and further and listen harder and harder to the noise of the earth and the silence of the stars, and what you will hear is a small voice that whispers - don't try to get, try to give'

Whaddaya say......it was Friday the 13th and the day took from me.

ALL DAY LONG.

I couldn't even GET to the sticky notes.

Seriously.

It started out by an almost fire and electrocution.

NEVER advise someone 'Yank it out' when a power plug is overheating and you can smell that hot smell.......OMG...... G-d is good that nothing awful happened in that moment.

And from there........one thing after another thing after another thing after another........

Someone failed to do that? Lemme do that for you.

That didn't get done? Okay....I'll get that done then!

This isn't right--lemme fix that.

Keyboard--does anyone know what happened to the keyboard in my office by any chance?

Hold on--I'll take care of that and get back to you.

Right--loose end alert........I'll tie that one up right now.

You need me to do what?......k......I'll do that and ring you back straight away.

They forgot, huh? Lemme take care of that.
I'll run that over. I needed a break anyway......

Do you need me to take care of that for you?

Yep--I can do that.........

O
M
G

Anything that wasn't 'broken' was threatening to 'break' as the day wore on.

Do I think I did any giving?

Only if you count all the loose ends/broken moments I tended to?

The good news?

A fire didn't happen and (gratefully) no one got electrocuted.

AND since himself had an equally challenging Friday the 13th day........we had dinner OUT. (he was convinced he'd burn dinner or the whole house down given his list of stuff turning upsidedown.....)

And NOW he's got an upset tummy.

Friday the 13th chicken, he says.......LOLOL

HEAVEN help me if he's right.....

Oy......

Is it the 14th yet?

Maybe I can have a 'do over' day.....

Snow Dusted

Thought for the Day

Will I make it through the difficult times? Or will I give up?

Will I? Will I?

Will I get up this morning with a positive attitude, greet everyone with a smile and be glad to be alive? Or will I take a bad attitude into the world and have everyone wish I were not?

Will I? Will I?

Will I accept the people I encounter today for who they are and encourage them to become part of the group? Or will I seek out the people I feel are superior to the rest and alienate myself from those I judge beneath me?

Will I? Will I?

Will I do my part and give of myself to create my own independence? Or will I accept the crumbs that keep me dependent on people, conditions and situations?

Will I? Will I?

Will I trust myself and follow my first thought? Or will I look for others to validate me?

Will I? Will I? Will you?

Today I will know me, honor me, support me and trust me.

Oh......and whatzupwiththat?!

He-who-loved-the-difference-in-weather suddenly announced that he is NOT thrilled with snow this evening.

Huh?!

8 short years later and suddenly you've decided snow SUCKS?!

You used to LOVE snow!!

I'm 8 years older.

Well........sheeeeeeeshhhhhh........

SO AM I!!

Yup--I'm callin' him Mr. Grumpy Pants for the rest of the night. Pffffffffttttttttt!!!!!

Uh huh......day 2

'look closer and closer and look further and further and listen harder and harder to the noise of the earth and the silence of the stars, and what you will hear is a small voice that whispers - don't try to get, try to give'

Lemme see....

• There was the gal I helped pushed out of the snow--putting your car in park and stopping traffic has GREAT results. Other people come push too! :-)
• There was the shoveling for the neighbor as he was snowblowing off the church's sidewalk.
• OH! There were the .....oh, probably 10 emails I sent out giving happy feedback to some very creative, brilliant staff members. They ROCK!!
• There was the cup of coffee I carried into himself this morning. k....he was a bit skeptical and asked what was in the cup. LOL (I assured him I'd be back to normal-- stealing that second cup of french pressed coffee tomorrow morning!)
  
• OH! The happy, clapping hands moment when I handed over the charge card and told the therapist to go ahead and order that new desk she was coveting. k...might not qualify as it wasn't really MY charge card I handed her.....but still....pretty sure that made her day....
• Multiple compliments for the kiddos who really are growing up quite nicely. k.....not sure that qualifies--I do that all the time.
• How about the 40 bobblehead critters I decorated the clinician's office with. ROFL She thinks those things are cuter than a bug's ear. *chuckling* Hanging 'em from the clock was wayyyyyyy fun! I'm yet to be found out on that one! Hahahahaha
• Oh--and the coke I bought for one of the staff members when I ran home to grab some CAT 5 wire for the secretary who'd move her computer but couldn't make the cord reach the computer. LOL I oughta be able to count that as two....right? Yeah, not so much......
• Meeting with the staff member who asked if I had a moment? I had my coat on.....and took it back off. *shrugs* She needed a moment.
• Donating my mittens to the kiddo going off to school with none? Yeahyeahyeah.....mine never match! Bit like my socks never match... Go figure, huh?

I think I need to travel around with a sticky pad -- things fall out of my head! I'll try that tomorrow!!

A touch of lace

*doing happy dance*

SNOW snow glorious snow!

:-)

<-- going to make footie prints

SNOW!

Woooooohooooooooo!!!!!!

Fairy Dust

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'

When God takes something from your grasp He is merely opening your hands to receive something better.

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

The Tangled View

Hmmmmmm

'look closer and closer and look further and further and listen harder and harder to the noise of the earth and the silence of the stars, and what you will hear is a small voice that whispers - don't try to get, try to give'

Every once in a while someone puts something out there that I decide is a direct challenge for me to practice something different, even if just for today.

Yup--I spent my day whispering 'don't try to get, try to give'.

And for a gal who likes to get her own way a LOT...it created many, many pauses.

It's not always selfish 'get what I want'--more frequently, I'm 'getting what I want' FOR others. And the truth is.....I manipulate like crazy to get it. Huge difference to what I wanted once-upon-a-time when it was all about MEMEME.

I like this gig better.

And today, I had multiple, MULTIPLE pause and go 180 degrees in the opposite direction moments.

I'm tired. It was an energy demanding challenge. I'm such a manipulator--freely giving instead of manipulating to GET requires more energy for me for some reason. LOL I'll figure out that reason later.

After I've gotten a decent night's sleep......which I'm very certain is going to happen today.

I'll own that I thoroughly enjoy the manipulations. I even like being upfront about what the 'gig' is! Give me 3 minutes and you'll WANT to give me what I'm asking for, hands down, no questions asked.

OMG...I think I'm a shyster!

:-D

Not today, mind you.

But undoubtedly tomorrow! LOL