Fo Lease

QOTW

Who/what do you need to forgive today?

There's been a conspiracy with the reading fairy. I can tell.

I'm tired.....weary. I guess it comes with the territory. You don't go into a meeting one day and turn everyone's lives upside-down and walk away whistling a tune and doing a happy dance.
Leastwise I don't.

I've had my time to grieve, to work through the blame game, to forgive people attached to a decision that seemingly doesn't take into account all the lives that are being affected. I note that it's 'seemingly'. I'm clear 'up the ladder' that 'truth' just isn't true.
I've witnessed a whole lot of things to indicate that it's a struggle all the way up the chain of command.

I've forgiven them--if that's what it's called. I hold no resentment. I get angry with the circumstances, sad.......fearful. But it's not with the people attached to it.

And then there's me.
I'm a part of the decision, even though it was not made by me.

Somewhere in all this, I'm of the belief that I could have changed the outcome. Now I know that's not true on some level. It's a distorted sense of ego and pride, I'm sure. WPIML tells me to get off the dime and outta the freaking desert.....move on and do what's in front of you. I do that--I'm good at doing. Well, I do half of that. It's not the decision I'm stuck on--it's not the anger around the decision that's making me weary. It's that stupid belief that I failed the people who counted on me. All these people's lives are upsidedown because I failed.

Yes, I know--it's a heightened sense of ego and pride that leaves me with the stupid thought. It's still my stupid thought, it still jumps up and screams it in my brain even after I've told my brain to SHUT UP. *sigh* Stupid brain.....

WPIML wants me to take a poll and get it over with. I know what the result would be without asking. I'm fairly convinced not one person would say I was the cause of this..and I'm pretty sure once they get done with their grief, they'll tell me it's not about me failing them. I don't believe that stops then from adding me to the pile of people they want to toss off the planet about now...that's okay..

Forgiveness-- I've learned the value of pardoning people and moving on. I know all about resentments and the cost to me as I went about 'getting ahead' (I never went for 'getting even'....why wouldya when you could get ahead......). I'm done being angry with the messengers--have been for some time. I think it was when my boss told me it was 'okay'--I'd denied being angry with him and he'd pointed out he thought I was..that he thought there was something in me that believed he could have stopped the decision. He was right--I moved from there when I owned that. I cannot stay there. I love the man hugely and I do trust his heart.

It's not him, or the agency, or the CEO, or the board, or anyone above me in the chain of command. It's not anyone parallel, or below.

It's the gal sitting here typing.

Pride.

Ego.
I'm sure.

WPIML was right. I need to get off the dime and outta the desert....and DO what's in front of me. I'm doing.
I've been doing.

It's that dime in the desert jazz that I'm stuck on.
I failed people.

Yeah, yeah......I can hear him shaking his head.


Apparently I'm just not ready yet.

TFTD

Often we're afraid to forgive others who've hurt us because we believe that, in doing so, we are permitting what they've done. This is not true. When we forgive, we are saying, "I pardon you, I give up any claim for revenge, you are no longer an enemy."

Relationships are not all black and white. We can forgive people and still not want to spend time with them. Forgiveness is for ourselves. It is a housecleaning of the heart. It feels good to sweep out the resentments and bitterness, lift up the windows, and let in the forgiveness.

Today let me offer forgiveness, either silently or out loud, to someone who has hurt me.

Cheap Seat

Oh look.....it's Sunday.....

<-- is watching it get lighter outside

<-- has the camera packed and ready

<-- will leave early and lolly-gag on the way to the meeting

<-- might make the meeting--might not if'n a cool detour happens

<-- doesn't mind skipping the meeting

<-- MINDS that the bug is 'other wise engaged' today

<-- gets the bug this coming weekend--so will 'get over it'

<-- will locate a travel mug and leave shortly

<-- might catch sunrise

<-- might not! LOL

Today's Fairy Thought

"Come to the edge," he said. "No, we will fall," they replied. They came to the edge. He pushed them . . . and they flew.
--Apollinaire

Without courage it is virtually impossible to progress along the spiritual path. Courage enables us to face the fears that arise when we go for what we want.

Courage often involves going against conventional wisdom and walking the path alone. It takes courage to give up the high paying job and work part-time while you start your own business on the side. It takes courage to leave an unworkable relationship. It takes courage to face the pain of one's childhood and seek to heal it. In short, it takes courage to be oneself.

People ask, "How can I have courage when I'm afraid?" The answer is clear. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to move forward in spite of it. When fear comes up in your life, fully feel and experience it. If you try to push it away, it will only expand.

Say to your fear, "I acknowledge you. But as I connect with my higher knowing, I see that you are not in alignment with my true calling. Because I have the courage and the faith to follow my heart, I am moving ahead with my plans in spite of you." Then proceed. Like the actor whose stage fright leaves in the first moments of the play, yours will fade as you actively embrace your own unique destiny - with courage.

River whispers

Thief

So I steal mushrooms.

:-/

Is that any reason to cover your plate with your hand so you can look out the window when someone tells you it's snowing ..... again?

Geeze.

It's getting harder and harder to steal a mushroom around this joint.

I guess I go back to coffee.

It's less work when they're caffeine deficient.

Almost TOO easy, dangit.......

Today's Reminder

You have what it takes to find your way through, and indeed you will. Though it won't always be easy or comfortable or convenient, you will surely and steadily move forward.

You can choose to let the fears hold you back for a while. Or you can choose to let those fears inform and prepare you, and then move on through them to where you are meant to be.

You can come up with all sorts of creative excuses to avoid making progress. Eventually, though, you'll realize what you're missing and will decide to leave those excuses behind.

Whatever comes along, you'll get through it. At some point you'll learn to stop fighting, to stop struggling, to stop complaining, and allow yourself to successfully handle whatever comes your way.

The worries, the fears, the anxieties and moments of hesitation will all be proven wrong. Because one way or another, you will get through.

Quilt Barn #20

Reading for the Day

The only way you can know your abilities is by putting them to work. Real confidence comes from your own experience of doing.

Every challenging situation is an opportunity for you to strengthen your confidence. Within every difficulty is the very real potential for growth.

The experience of making an effort creates confidence. The experience of making another effort, and another and another, until you get the job accomplished, creates even stronger confidence.

Confidence comes when you know you can do it, and the only way to know that is to do it. Step forward, take action, and your confidence will grow each time you do.

Yup--still rowing.....

We made the front page yesterday.

But we made the front page 20 years ago when this little bitty town said they'd be a part of an adventure that involved 25 kiddos and 40 some staff.

Yesterday it was salt in a wound to make the front page. Everyone was messy all over again.

I just rowed and said right things--and prayed thanksgiving prayers. We've been really well loved. And honestly--we'll grow for the experience, painful as it might be.

But tonight I'm answering calls.......again......

Everyone was upset.......IS upset.

And then there was the confused call.

"I went to cancel our membership with the gym in town.....and they said we weren't going anywhere. They said the city had some meetings about somethingorother and we were staying?"

Huh.

Really..... Silly rumor mills..... He must not have seen the paper. I'm truly sorry stuff like this happens......I know it just makes it more difficult on everyone.

There's a reason my G-d hasn't gotten around to removing that manipulative part of my character. It's been on my nightly inventory for the past few months, off and on. But in the past few weeks---OMG.....anger, resentment...bunches of fear.....and LOADS of manipulation. And a smattering of absence of truth (which is a lie--I KNOW!!!!).

I'll deal square after the fact.....whatever the fact ends up being.

Yeah, yeah....I know--that's just another manipulation.
I'll deal square! Geeze......

And.......--row the boat.....keep praying.
No matter what, there's 40 staff members to tend to and 25 kiddos and their families.

Yeahyeahyeah.......AND an inventory chalked full of 'stuff'.......

Silenced in Silver

QOTW

When you go somewhere, do you always let someone know where you are going?

Wellllllllllll....... No. Not always.

Especially as of late.
I've learned an invaluable lesson about carrying 'stuff' home with me from the work day. Don't DO it! It makes for messier times than required.

So--I've now developed a pattern of taking a trip to the local flower gardens or one of the parks, or a country road.....or I take off for the dam. And I just sit and decompress. I let it go and take in some of the finer pieces around me. Sometimes I pop out with the camera--sometimes not.

Does anyone know where I'm off to? No.

On days that I'm not working do I take off for parts unknown?

Usually with himself--yep.

Does anyone know where we're off to? Geeze.....WE rarely know where we're off to.

:-/

Fairy Thought

At the heart of who you are, there is peace. When you let go of all that is covering it up, you find peace.
Go ahead and feel those things that hide your peace from you. Appreciate the fact that you can feel them whenever you chose.

Then, realize that just as you can choose to feel them, you can choose to let them go. Discover for yourself that you do indeed have the power to uncover the peace that lives in your heart.

One by one, you can easily and naturally dispense with those feelings that separate you from the peace that is yours. With sincere thankfulness for what you feel, you can let go of each feeling.

What you are left with, is the powerful serenity of being beyond need, beyond fear, beyond frustration and anxiety. What you are left with is peace.

Helpful Hint

It's a new day.....

Right. It's morning and I've had coffee.

.......some......not enough, mind you.

And I feel.......notsogreat.

But there's a training today.

And my presence is required. So......

The good news is coffee's worked so far.

The bad news--if this is some bug that keeps rearing its ugly head, I'll be kindly thought of for sharing it.

Ah well.....

It's a new day. Things are bound to be better if I just get up and keep moving--which is what I'm going to do.

Ughhhhhhh.... *laughing*

This could be FUN. :-/

Today's Thought

Every time you interact with someone else, you have the opportunity to give that person some kind of gift. Whether it is a thing, or a thought, a gesture or a kind word, the most powerful gifts are those that come straight from the heart.

Many will appreciate your gifts and some will not, but that is not the point. For it is the sincere act of giving, not how the gift is received, that brings value and goodness to the world.

I can't decide......

Do I wanna throw up, get sick and get it over with.....or do I wanna suck it up and just deal in 'you don't bounce back like you used to and you might need a bit of help getting there......' I think I'd prefer to bury my head in the sand thankyouverymuch.

Can't I just do a BIT of denial?!

*sigh*

Himself isn't well......I'm not well....
I can't tell if it's just the stress that we're both feeling or if we're both just not bouncing back like we used to.

k......DENIAL, please.....

In the meantime, I came home from work a bit early to just be DONE for the day.

I'm behind (you deal in the crud I've been having to deal in and you'd find youself behind as well, thanksverymuch) and I don't really have time to be mucking about doing nothing to catch myself up.

I guess it's not really mucking about if you're trying to decide if you're well or unwell.......

Wait.

Hold on.

I'm doing denial.

What work that I'm behind on? There's behind on work?

Yaknow--I think the answer is somewhere in this house.

Bubbles maybe.

Finger paints?

OH! Playdough!!!!!

Wait.

Disallowed--tossed it out...... *sigh*

Fine.

I'll go for crash on the couch and stare into space.

Maybe I'll fall asleep and make up for the sleep time lost last night.

Oh wait.......I'm doing sleep disturbance--can't be having a nap and spoiling that!

Definitely bubbles.

That's AFTER I go to the store and grab milk.

Does someone wanna tell me how not having milk becomes a major crisis?!

Oh......hold on and nevermind......I'm sure he'll tell me as soon as he stops muttering and saying 'bloody hell'.......

ATM Alert!!!!!

TFTD

All is well on this day, with this moment, in this place.

Do what you do and experience what you experience.
Let go of the need to place a judgment on how things are.

Choose instead to feel immensely and sincerely thankful for all that is, whatever it may be.

Giving back

Rowing---and praying.....

I broke it to the gal who'd embraced the program years back--she'd stumbled into us as a speaker for a school class and we'd talked then....and she asked to volunteer.
And then she recruited......one, two, three--and then a whole congregation.

And I mean a WHOLE congregation and then two.

There's not a time I don't cross paths with a member of the congregation when they don't tell me about an interaction with my kiddos, or something they're doing to pay us back--even as we're trying to pay them back. We're kinda like that.......we do for you, you do for us--we gotta do for you again!

Darn that they're always trying to outdo our doings by doing more, G-d love 'em.

They've been playing and working and loving my kiddos for years now.

And the whole of both congregations went upside down when I passed the news on to the gal who started it all. They were devastated......well and truly devastated....

So she called me--and then she contacted people who contacted people who contacted more people.
And now the city person who contacted me has contacted my people--and my people tell me that he made an offer to the agency that the agency just might not refuse.

I can pray and do.

I'm trying not to smile broadly.

And I'll keep moving forward cuz that's what I'm commanded to do.

But I'm smilin'...

I always knew how loved we were, how graced we've been to be in this bitty community.

Here's just more proof.

And regardless of the end decision--I love 'em dearly for the effort and willingness to go to the extremes they're going to....for my kiddos, for my families--for my staff.

Pray--and keep rowin'..... And smile a bit...quietly..... for now......

Things that make me happy....

....quick stops so Mel can take photos of quilt barns. :-) (he drove!)

....friendly farmers who don't mind tresspassers. :-D

....sunshine on the water...looks so lovely.....lalalalalala

....llamas!!!!! Freckled ones even!

....a good cuppa coffee made by someone else.

....drawing in the snow.

....doodling with cool markers.

Through the treetops

Fairy Dust

One wrong decision does not have to ruin an entire day.
None of us is perfect.

We can learn to accept the fact of a mistake and move on to the next decision, which needs to be made.

Quilt Barn #19

EVERYbody SING!!!!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama

Ahhhhh.....a bit of spring activity....sorta.....

Lightening!

Thunder even!!!!

And it's freezing as it comes to the ground.

RIGHT at that 32 degree mark--with the wind it's having a field day as an icy mix.

BUT!!!!!!

I decided to take the car outta the garage and let the rain wash off the filthy car.

OMGosh it's horrible after taking backroads with melting gross stuff.

Now--the rain wash really was a good idea....sorta....
I'm suppose to be meeting with pigeons and going to meetings today. And the car is gross!

I even made the crock pot of chili ahead of time so himself just has to plug it in.

Uh huh.....
My first clue shoulda been 'it's icing as it lands'.
And, caffeine deficient as I am, if THAT didn't register (which it didn't), skating BACK TO THE GARAGE shoulda sealed it.

Well it will.......the car, I mean....

I have de-icing stuff.

Ummmm......yeah.....

I'm sure everyone stores it in the trunk of their car.

k.....

I'm blaming lack of caffeine.

And I'm gonna get another cuppa coffee and skate BACK to the car before it seals shut WITH the de-icing stuff in it.

Maybe.......

Maybe not. *laughing*

Today's Fairy Reminder

When we deal with our faults and imperfections, we are dealing with the basic issues of being a person. We can become bitter and cynical about the imperfections of others, or we can realize every person is incomplete but growing, just as we are. The way we look at the faults in others and the way we look at our own are closely tied together. In our own journey, we must begin with the premise that no person ever achieves perfection.

Perfection apparently is not what this life is about at all, since perfection is nonexistent. We are lovable, and we can love in the process of living our lives. Since we are not perfect, we have to be accountable. We must have standards for our behavior and hold ourselves to those standards, admitting our mistakes and making repairs where we can.

Dancing waters

Yes, we have movement!

It's glorious--even if it's just for a bit of time and there's snow/freezing rain on the agenda for tomorrow. We had four days of above freezing weather and it worked wonders. (especially on my disposition--eventually......cuz it took all of the days to accomplish the job.....which oughta speak loudly to what it's been like for the world around me.....oy......)

And today--even with the temperatures below freezing--was a Jeep adventure day.

Yup, this was a good thing.

I needed to go out and about.

And we went exploring backroads.

Trains, silos, quiltbarns (ohmygosh--we stopped too many times....LOL), cows in the fields (YEAH......the cows are FREED!), llamas (seriously!), frozen puddles and creeks flowing! Oh, flowing water is sooooooooooo appreciated right now.

So.

YEAH! :-)

........finally!!!!! Sheeeeeeeeeshhhhhhhh!

And now I'll go download those couple hundred photos. *laughing*

Huggin' snow

Reading for Today

Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then its purpose is finished.

Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.

We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.

TGIF...beginnings

Sleepless nights have happened as of late.

I know full well why that's been.

I think--a lot.

So I went to the dam to watch the sun come up.

The Big Guy puts on great beginnings and endings. I've yet to be disappointed when I show up and stay open to receive without expectations.
It was a great start to a Friday.

And I played with the kiddos all day long......and I mean all day long.

That beginning was fantastic.
The middle was awesome.

And the ending--wonderful.

Yes, thank you. I'm greedy.
I'd like more of those, please........

Yeahyeah.......show up and stay open to receive without expectations. I know, I know....

Penthouse Crowd

Fairy Thought

We must learn how to act rather than react. Unfortunately, we've had lots of training at reacting. And we're all such good imitators. We are a society of reactors. We let the good or the bad behavior of another person determine our own behavior as a matter of course. But the opportunities are unlimited for us to responsibly choose our behavior, independent of all others in our life.

Change is ours, if we want it. A scowl from a spouse need not make us feel rejected. Criticism at work doesn't have to ruin our day. An inconsiderate bus driver might still be politely thanked. And when we decide for ourselves just how we want to act and follow through, self-esteem soars.

If we are put-down, it may momentarily create self-doubt; but when we quickly reassure ourselves that all is well and respond with respect, we grow. A sense of well-being rushes through our bodies.

Being in command of our own feelings and our own actions, prevents that free-floating anxiety from grasping us. We are who we choose to be. And new adventures await us.

The opportunities to react will be many today. But each time I can pause, determine the action I'd feel better about, and take it. My emotional health gets a booster shot each time I make a responsible choice.

Forward Movement

That was my mission.

It's still my mission.

Get off the dime, get out of the desert.

We are where we are. We'll move forward--we'll decide how we'll do this and we'll do it.

I can't stay focused on the mess around me. People rely on me to get ahead of them and bring them up to speed. I need to do that shift and keep moving.

Honestly, after four days of clearly hearing how each and every one of my staff are affected by the decision, I'm bone weary. My heart hurts and there's not been a day that I've not wept. I know I'll do that again. I also know I'm planning for Monday when I ask some to be a part of planning the next step--when we MOVE FORWARD and into the solutions.

WE.

At the very least I know there's a WE today, I know what I have to work with.

Not to say that the equation won't change--I know it will.

But I have truth on the table, I have information to move forward with.

And I'll move.

There's relief in knowing that movement is happening.

I've already moved. Midway through the day I found myself connecting with folks in another place, arranging things to happen in two weeks time. I started a process that no one's wanted to face--me included. But I believe in that, I moved.

Darn straight it was time.

Now--I don't know what I'm doing...how I'm going to get us all from point A to point B...but I've always been a good 'deep end of the pool' swimmer.

Toss me in.
I'll figure it out right quick--cuz I ain't drowning and I sure as heck ain't gonna flail my arms around and look stupid.

Dignity and grace....with an occasional cuss word or two, of course. Quietly........with minimal witnesses, of course.

Winter's Downfall

Today's Thought

It's important to surrender to powerlessness, but it's equally important to own our power. We aren't trapped. We aren't helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren't. We each have the God-given power, and the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance, and with any person. The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility.

The Fallen

*sigh* I can't make it different......

Okay then.....

Well--when you have cancer you learn a few things about people.

And you get forgiving. Cuz.

You love 'em anyway and forgive them for not having it in them, or not believing they have it in themselves to 'deal', to remain in a relationship--several people simply could not bring themselves to remain in my life. It was too hard, too close....too much. I love them anyway--and I forgive them. I hold no resentment for where they're at and the choices they made.

Human beings are human beings.

They have their own personal limits.

I don't get to know those upfront. I guess it's something we get to discover as we hit these places in our lives. It's worked that way for me more than once.

G-d willing they'll never have to experience some things and they'll be 'okay' with their own level of awareness, their own methods of operating. It's never turned out to be 'enough' for me to remain there--but that's me......

I had a tough day.

Sucks to have no one to vent to.

Sucks to find myself unable to simply say what's in my head and heart and not have to defend or justify or explain away some things.

People just are where they are.

How it is that I can forgive is just my experience talking for me.

I get it.

I get how somethings are just bigger than the person......or at least they allow it to be.

Yaknow....I'm glad I'm at peace with Hitler going to G-d and being embraced as is.
G-d loves all His kiddos.

I'm charged with the same thing.
And being angry isn't productive for me today.

I had my time--I've moved past it and others haven't. I can't get them to another place any sooner than they're willing to get to another place. I've had time to put it in its place. It's mostly 'there'.......sometimes it eeks out...
But it's damn lonely 'here'.

And it's akin to discovering who's 'where' in the bigger scheme of things, who's got a different handle on what loving is about--and it's heart breaking to discover some of this...to find yourself alone in the process with no one to just put it on the table to without judgement, without anger.... It's just where they are. Today.
It might change.

It might not.

For today, it is what it is.

It's the awakening to a cancer you couldn't control, didn't ask for and were a victim to--and discovering the stark realization that the barrier you're hitting time and time again is something you didn't want or ask for to begin with.
But it's there. And it's real. And it's painful.

Here, hear.

It is what it is.

They just are where they are.

Ideally--selfishly, I'd want them to be in another place. But they are where they are. They matter to me nonetheless. And I still love 'em. Hugely.....

It's just really lonely here........and really painful.....

And yes, I know I'm not in this 'alone'.

It just FEELS alone.

Repetition

TFTD

We can expect to feel fear, even dread at some points in our lives. We will always have situations that, for a time at least, seem more than we can bear. But the clouds will lift. We are never given more than we can handle, and with each passing day we become more at ease with ourselves and all that life gives us. We are learning that "this too shall pass."

etc etc et al.......

There's no way I want to put today into black and white.

I don't want to rehash it.

I don't want any long lasting memory, anything created as a record.

IT JUST WAS.

And it is what it is.

I've backspaced a number of times to get in the way of me recording what I don't want to record.

I think my best solution is to do something different than this.

I can't seemingly make my fingers go to another spot to make something different happen.

Perhaps the answer is silence.

Nothingness......

If only I could find that in my brain.

Backspacebackspacebackspace.....

Still Winter

Today's Thought

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.
—Bill Lemley

Being overcritical and irritable has been common to most of us. Some of us go around with controlled smiles while underneath we are grumbling. Others blast everyone around them. Some of us save our most critical reactions for those we love while staying sweet and friendly with the outside world. In any case, we are caught in a blinding trap. We may know we feel trapped but do not see that our problem is mainly with ourselves.

We need to look at our relationships. Have we been falling into a pattern where no one seems to measure up? Are we also being too critical or demanding of ourselves? Perhaps we don't need to lower our standards so much as to hold them less tightly. If we can be friends to ourselves and give ourselves a little more leeway, we can be more easygoing with others.

I cannot force myself to be less critical, but I can let go of my willfulness so my more easygoing side comes forward. I can be less judgmental of others and myself.

Cool Separations

Pray--but row the darn boat.....

Buy the lottery ticket, hope for the win but make the house payment while you wait....

I spent my day talking with staff members, city administrators, pastors, business men, business women, Elders from congregations, the school's superintendent, MORE business men, principals, members of the county board of supervisors--DHS workers, Juvenile Court Officers, oh and let's not forget the attorney. He was.........different....

I'm tired.

I've endured the "I hope you're not telling them it's useless...".

I've attempted to depersonalize everything around me that's happening.
I know I'm in a position with each and every one of them.
I understand that.
I'm one of 'them'...and I'm one of them.

Yes, I'd love to talk with the school board--invite the CEO and my boss, I'd be honoured.

Yes, I'd love to talk with the county board of supervisors--invite the CEO and my boss, I'd be honoured.

YES.....

BUY the lottery ticket--hope for the win but make the house payment--

THIS-- is what I do.
I have to.
It's what I need to do.
I need the house--children and families depend on me.

WE depend on me.



That does not mean that I do not hope....

I hope.....

Pray.......keep rowing....

Quilt Barn #18

More of the same.....

This morning the HR person and I are meeting--and we'll begin meeting with my staff. One staff member at a time.
I suspect this week will be a different kind of difficult.

Or maybe just more of the same--on a deeper and more personal level.

Already feels deep enough.....

Still--it's required. Necessary even.
And I need to be able to hear what each of them needs, even if it's not what I want.

*sigh*

Bug time was a very good thing.
I wonder if I can get more of that......

Fairy Dusting

We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.

The Valentine

Level B

Level B road--low maintenance--county conservation area.

Yeah, well.....seemed like a good road to take. Himself didn't think so, but he's a wuss sometimes.....most times.....

WOW was it pretty back there along the river.

And it wasn't as bad as the sign woulda had you believe.......they plowed at some point after the blizzard. LOL

I've marked it on the map, cuz it's not there.

We scared a good dozen deer, a couple of turkey--and of course eagles.

I was too busy driving and staying on the road. LOL Which was a good thing--rocks to the right, river to the left.......with a bit of a drop.......which himself was kindly enough to point out to me multiple times a minute followed by multiple OMGOMG's.--yup.......wuss. LOL

Definitely will go back!
Definitely will go back when there's no snow and ice on the dirt road.

Ohhhhhhhh.......but mud would be fun!!!!!! :-)

Fairy Reading

If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself.
--Rollo May

Those of us who go around trying to be right and do everything right are likely to betray ourselves. We stifle our impulses and control our intuition because we can't be certain that we are correct.

We all have original ideas if we just notice them. What images come to mind while listening to music? What do our dreams tell us? New insights sometimes come by physical activity. Conversation with a friend can help lead us to our wisdom. Our growing strength requires that we listen to our own messages and then take some risks to express them.

Winter weathered

It's Saturday......

I've had the week from Hell.

Quite the summary, but there you have it.

I think we're paralyzed.
I'm paralyzed.
Or maybe I'm just tired.......weary.......sad......

I didn't make the bed--and I ain't gonna.
Himself has laundry going cuz it's something he can do.

Yesterday the boss asked if himself and I were going to make it through all this.
I had to answer "I don't know......."

It was a truthful answer.
I just haven't gotten that far.

It's a new day.

The bed is unmade.
I can hear the sloshing of the washmachine--which is way better to listen to than the sloshing of my not so settled tummy.

Sun is up--it's threatening to be above freezing.
An adventure is probably an idea.

I don't know if I can make it happen.
I probably oughta try, just the same.

Right then.

Unmade bed.......dishes ON the countertop...... Now's as good a time as any!

.......after I find bubbles........

Perched

Reading for the Day

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

YISHMYLM*

*Yes, I see how much you love me

Oh what the heck.....

1. A lesson that you have learned in life.

There's more than one way to look at things. Learned that from the very first wise person in my life who went to great lengths to make certain I came to understand that very simple, and very pertinent truth.

2. A talent that you have, no matter how quirky.
I am excellent at deliberately in a child like voice LOUD and off-key. And I mean I can deliberately miss every single note of the tune! Top THAT one! :-D

3. Your favorite meal.

Hand over the Alfredo sauce.....on any kind of pasta and as long as there's mushrooms that are also involved.

4. The name of a friend who respects and likes you for who you are.
Dunno that he considers me his 'friend'--but WPIML #3 who resides in Minnesota. And he loves me enough to tell me the truth, always, no matter what.

5. An activity that you enjoy.

Oh, here's a surprise--bubble blowing, sidewalk chalk drawing and anything that involves child-like PLAY.



I'll now go see what arrangements I can make to have Alfredo something and get hold of WPIML so we can have a laugh or two. Yup--definitely need all of the above!!!

TFTD

Today, celebrate who you are. Yes, you have much in common with other people. But you're also uniquely you.

Grab a piece of paper and something to write with. Now write down:

1. A lesson that you have learned in life.
2. A talent that you have, no matter how quirky.
3. Your favorite meal.
4. The name of a friend who respects and likes you for who you are.
5. An activity that you enjoy.

Now, pick up the phone and call your friend. Invite him or her to a celebration with you. Do the activity that you enjoy – go for a walk, go to a ballgame, sit at home and watch videos, whatever you like to do. Then prepare your favorite meal or go to a restaurant and have them prepare it. Show your friend your talent – remember this person likes and respects you for who you are. So if you can balance e a ping pong ball on the tip of your nose, go ahead and do that. Show him or her how good you are. Talk to your friend about the lessons you have learned, and invite him or her to share a lesson learned from you.

Instead of fussing and worrying about how different you are, be grateful that you're unique.

Celebrate being you.

Another 'Today'

Yesterday my staff.

Today, my families, our closest ties in the community....and then the kiddos.


There's something about a child, standing up half way through the conversation, shifting from foot to foot, clutching her sweatshirt to her mouth to silence the questions she has as she tries to wait patiently......tears overflowing....



And when there's that pause and she looks at you to ask "What about our staff? Will they be coming with us? OHmygoshpleasetellme....Will YOU be coming with us?".....


I've had more than the 36 hours my staff have had.....


And how could I not......
I answered--

"I will put my arms around all of you.... and we will go together."


I meant it.



Whatever it takes.......

Things that make me happy

....the SHMILY heart hanging off the antique oil can in the study--right by where I sit.

....taking this morning's coffee in a Halloween mug.

....the 11:32pm text that read "You are loved".

....the sister's giggle.

....puddles in the snow.

....chickadees.

....penguin stickers on kleenex boxes.

....kalidescopes.....any day of the week.

Today's Reading

Many of us have had past crises and problems, yet our worries and anxieties continue in the present. We believe that our situation causes our fears and we say, "If only things were different, I could relax." Yet even when everything is going well, we still get anxious that something unseen is amiss. When we are immersed in our fears, unable to let go and live life joyfully, we may become emotionally absent from our loved ones.

Our problem is not that life is insecure. Of course it is. Our problem is that we expect to feel secure. We put great energy into achieving control and having everything "just right," but quite naturally we end up without control. Then we think something is wrong. Instead, we can choose to turn our fears over to our Higher Power. We do that by talking about our fears, taking the steps we can, and trusting our Higher Power for the outcomes. Then we return to emotional contact in our relationships.

The truth about today

I said to himself, when he asked how I was doing:

I'd have to say that today was the shittiest day of my professional career--ever.

And I meant it.


I will find some gratitude that love still remains in my heart--cuz I know it's there....that peace really IS somewhere buried under all the pain of today, and I will try to let that hope in all things being possible rise to the surface once the muck and mire is scraped away.




And then........I shall rest.

Today

New Day---

I'm better than the last three days--good enough for what lies in front of me.

It's a new day, the day G-d has gifted me with.

In this lifetime we all get to do some very difficult, painful things. I don't imagine anyone escapes that part, no matter their circumstances.

But there's something I've very clear and centered in this morning.

My life is a testimony of the power of WE and the power of WILL....not try, not can--WILL.

WE WILL.

And we will.



Right.
Thank goodness I got that sorted out then. LOL

Puddled Hope