Cuz if some is good........MORE

The Stolen Pink Sheepies.....

Oh, what greater fun on a frozen Thursday than to steal pink sheepies and pick up an award thingy from a kind soul!  All I have to do is answer a few questions, generate a few of my own--and voile'!  *laughing*
Okay......I DID steal the sheepies!

I'm hoping I'll be forgiven for that one.
I'll answer questions, post questions and pass on the stolen goods!  Hahaha!!  Apparently--that's how this gig works.

So....onward to the questions:

How old were you when you had your first “real” date, were you nervous, where did you go?
Maybe 13?  Yes, a bit young--friend of the family and rubber stamp approved by the parental units. Not the least bit nervous--we went to the State Fair.
Did you have a favorite parent or grandparent and why were they favored over the other?
Hindsight would tell me I favored my father--mostly because he was my solo parent and I felt a need to protect him from the world.  True!
Have you ever been fishing and if so, where and did you catch anything? Did you eat it or throw it back?
Well.....hello!!  I used to tie flies!!!  Gosh.....that was eons ago and NO I didn't eat the fishies!  Catch, release....catch again!  :-)
Have you ever been shat upon by a bird and if so, what kind of bird, where were you and what did you do with the lovely mess?
*laughing*  I'm sure I have been.  But truth is, it's such a non-monumental thing, I don't know that I can recall when and where that first time was.  I do a lot of patio sitting and birdies are my friends.  *laughing*  I'm sure it's a love offering when they perch on top the patio swing and give me a prezzie?
If you are a mother, did you “experience” natural childbirth? If you are a father, did you go into the delivery room for the birth? Would you trade places?
Yes.....I am 'the mom'.  Nope--no natural child birthing process for this gal. One came WAY earlier than expected--the other was taken because of complications.  And would I trade places?  Um......nope.
What’s the weirdest, most disgusting food you’ve ever eaten and where were you when you ate said disgusting food?
*laughing*  I do NOT consciously eat disgusting food.  I have, however, sampled BBQ'ed raccoon.  OMG.  O M G ! ! ! I slugged the neighbor for that one.  LOL
Have you ever swallowed a bug?
YES! Oy.....
Have you ridden a horse bareback?
YES! (much more pleasant question, thank you!)
How’d you do so far with my questions?
I was doing great until the gross food one.......closely followed by the bug one...  Please keep in mind that I JUST had a banana and it's threatening to revisit me now......
Have you ever been arrested or otherwise detained and if so, why?
YES.  *sigh*  Well, there's a sober-up FAST question (pun intended)  Good change of topic at JUST the right time!  Arrested and.....stayed in the 'hotel' more than once.  Drunk and disorderly, public intox--(umm.......LORD knows how many times)....assault, interfering with official acts (oh BOY did I interfere.....*sigh*), assault with intent to do bodily harm (sorry, sorry, sorry!!), possession, possession with intent to deliver, possession, possession (lots of those suckers, too), Theft (of varying degrees)...and......Drug Trafficking.  Right!  No need to explain WHY I was detained, huh?!
Soooooo.....moving right along  *ahem*
What is your favorite sleep position?
.....I sleep on my side.  I DO NOT SLEEP ON MY BACK.  *sigh*  Currently I'm pretending I CAN sleep on my back and failing miserably.

*laughing*
Well, that was great fun!

Ohhhhh....and I get 11 questions of my OWN to ask!
Right!


How do you celebrate your favorite holiday?
What unique tradition have you developed in your family (past or present)?
What's on your nightstand by your side of the bed?
How many tries does it take you before you actually thread a needle?
One quirky thing you embrace as uniquely YOU?
A worry that paralyzed you, then or now?
Which parent can YOU hear when you say something today?
When do you consider it 'late at night'?
How do you respond when someone hurts your feelings?
What are two staples you can't run out of? And (LORD help us all....) what happens if you DO run out of them?
And finally--WHO do you need to say "I love you" to, today.....go do that and report back!


Right.
Lemme bless someone(s) with my list AND the stolen pink sheepies!


Sunshine
The Abundantly Blessed One
The Great and Wonderful Barb!
Mr. Spadoman
Raven cuz fun is FUN
Mig--cuz!
Carol, Carol, Carol......hahahaha

Oh, and of course there's absolutely NO obligation here--I just wanted to pass on the stolen sheep!

As you can see, I've maintained some of my 'defects of character'.  THANKfully, no one gets hurt with my thieving today!
*ahem*

PINK sheepies!!  I have PINK SHEEPIES!!!!  Woooooohoooooo!!!!!!
(I am soooooo easily amused!!  LOL)

Daily Reading

And the seasons, they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We can't return, we can only look

Behind from where we came

And go round and round and round in the circle game.

  —Joni Mitchell

High in the mountains near Sun Valley, Idaho, is a small cabin. The cabin is always left open for hikers to rest and refresh themselves. There is food in the cabin and wood for a fire. Often, weary backpackers have arrived there, tired and thirsty, to find just the beverage or snack they needed to help them on their way. The cabin operates on a system of trust - if you use something in the cabin, you replace it with something else. Perhaps it is just the thing the next traveller needs to go on. It is a circle game. 

We are all part of a big circle. If we give of ourselves or do a favor for someone, eventually - sometimes years later - someone will do something for us that will help us on our way. We do these little deeds without expecting to be rewarded, and we can accept others' little gifts without feeling forever in someone's debt. These unselfish acts, stored in our mountain cabin, stand ready for the next traveller.

What gift can I pass on to another today?

Stolen--which makes it even more special!!

On Frozen River

Reading for the Day

Of all the negative emotions, resentment diminishes us the most. 

It brings unwarranted anger toward those who have something we want, and self-pity for ourselves. 

It drains us of the energy we need to change our lives and work toward goals. 

Resentment keeps us in a rigid judgment of who "should" and who "should not" achieve success; all "should" attitudes are pointless, breeding discontent and wasting time. 

Above all, resentment is ugly to see and even uglier to feel. 

When I'm resentful, I feel hatred toward others and myself. 

Today, I ask for the humility to accept my limitations, without resenting others who have exceeded them. I ask for the courage to pursue my own goals, not comparing myself to others. 

MEL!!!! Come read this so you remember .......

****written for a personal need to remind ME(at some point, hopefully a long time from now)****

I knew in January of 2007 when I landed on the web log exactly what I was reading.
There was no question in my mind about the authenticity of the author.
There was no 'pause--think--what are you getting in to'.
There was a simple read.  And then I did what I always do.
I went backwards to the beginning.

Undoubtedly there's a reason a person opts to put their business on the world wide web.
Undoubtedly, there's a few of us (a whole LOT of a few of us) that don't 'get' the far reaching effects that can have......to them, to the people that stop what they're doing and grab a cuppa coffee for a 'read'.

I thought I knew what I was doing.
I was having a cuppa coffee.  I was reading online.....
I crossed paths with another soul--and I read.
And read some more.
And some more again.
And then every time a post happened--sometimes every day......I read a whole lot.
That'll happen in six years of sharing bits and pieces courtesy of the written word.

By why THERE?!
WHY stop, read....comment and go BACK?
And not just once--or twice.....but every post for six years?!

There's a header to the web log.
Most web logs have catchy little things across the top--cute little phrases/pictures that catch a person's attention.  Nick names, silly quotes--misspelled 'stuff' that indicate a bit of the playfulness of the persona that shows up in black and white.
Nothing catchy about THIS one.  In actuality, most folks would find it.....uncomfortable......threatening even.
It's simple.  It's truth.  It's just........out there for the world to see--and for him (and anyone who visits) to remember.

Oh.....but I'm a 'dare to go where wisemen fear to tread' kinda gal.
And I'd READ.....all the way back to the beginnings (which wasn't a lot, mind you--it'd been started 9/20/2006).......

In truth, it wasn't a tough thing to 'sign up for'.
In truth, I've a passion for being present for others--a responsibility to offer hope and love to other human beings, struggling or not.
In truth--it's just what I do.
In truth--I always 'know' where to land and remain......there's this 'sense' that washes over me.
And I believe a huge bit of that truth is, at least in this one spot that I chose to show up for time and time again--I have a passion for 'hopeless and helpless' causes.  I was considered both things....on more than one occasion.  Thankfully, my path was crossed with some very powerful people after others had tried and resigned to defeat.  Because of those people who showed up and the Great Arranger....I'm still here.  I have a LIFE today as a result.  I believe that.  And in the heart of my heart--I KNOW that.

So I know the power of hope.  And I know the power of caring about those who seem outside the realm of help.
I'd toss every starfish I ran across on the beach back into the sea--cuz it MATTERS to that one.
And it matters to me.

This little bit of cyber space--matters to me.
The person attached to the web log--matters to me.
The family attached to the person--matters to me.
The community that's come together to offer hope and encouragement and companionship and compassion/understanding/acceptance and LOVE to countless others..........  Matters to me.

I will NOT shake my fist in anger at G-d when it all gets taken away.
I will NOT.

I will remember that in giving, I have received far, far more than I ever could have imagined.

And I will remember 'ripples'......

Number 16

DUCK!!!!

I did something last year and I forgot I did it.  *laughing*  There's a news flash.  I forget things.  I do things without thought. I say 'yes thank you' and sign up for stuff without a lot of thought, forget I did it and keep moving.

I'm the one who'll buy popcorn from every boyscout that knocks on the door......and laugh when we're knee deep in popcorn.

I forgot I signed up for that 'duck' insurance until someone reminded me.
No, I don't have a copy of the policy.
No, I don't know what I'm suppose to do.
NO.......I just signed, and kept moving.  People told me it was a good thing to have and I believed them?
*shrugs*

Yeah, well.....I turned in the paperwork--the duck asks for that.  I suppose that's required stuff--like they're just going to believe you if you send on a photo of a purple cast!  Yeah.....well.....I suggested that be the solution when I finally rang the gal and said "I forgot I took out a policy--apparently I have a claim to send in, huh?"
The duckdoes requires paperwork......  Have you ever tried to get copies of your medical records sent on to you?
Uh huh....medical records are sooooooo secret that you have to sign a bazillion papers even when it's coming directly to you--the patient...the one that's suppose to be protected from OTHER people getting the information.  Uh huh....apparently I need protected from me.  (laughing!!..cuz that's probably true!)

Yesterday the duck's helper (cuz the duck is injured, yaknow) put a check in my mailbox.
(Please note I could NOT send the duck a 'get well duck card' cuz I am not a Facebook user...I'm sad about that....)

Oh....but....

WOW.

I wonder if people consider hiring someone to break their femurs.
Nah.
I'm sure only *I* think that perversely...........

TFTD

We fear to trust our wings. We plume and feather them, but dare not throw our weight upon them. We cling too often to the perch. --Charles B. Newcomb  

Even before it has learned to fly; a baby bird is pushed from its nest. 

It will totter upon the ground, stubby wings outstretched from its body, following the guiding cries of its parents to flap its wings and take flight.  

When we were young, our wings hadn't even developed before we began tottering through life. 

We may have received little direction about how to fly. 

As we grew, we may have built a nest and retreated within it, still not knowing how to fly.  

Although our wings have not been used, we can still learn to fly. 

There are those who can teach us. 

They, too, have had to learn to fly after years of nest sitting. 

It isn't easy at first. 

In fact, it may be quite painful and tiring. 

But by trying out our wings every day, they will grow stronger and more familiar to us. 

Our nest will always be there, but we won't have to visit it as often. 

We'll be too busy flying and testing our wings.  

I can begin to learn the freedom of flight and trust my wings.

Blanketed Emptiness

Sleeping with Bread

I've pondered, looking for the desolation in the week.  Oh, it's not that life hasn't been happening.  This weekend the brother-in-law lost his brother to a short battle with leukemia.  This followed the loss of his mother three weeks ago.  Breaks my heart that it's back to back loss for him to contend with, but I am not desolated by the events.  Sad for the families, sad for people who loved them--but a bit of gratitude for the lives which mother and brother were able to live and love and enjoy.
We've said goodbye to some of the good folks at work--chasing other careers which means losing relationships and losing their experience with the kiddos we serve.  I've had to deal in some disappointments, but stuff happens....and I know there's a greater plan in all this 'stuff'.
There's been 'stuff' life has doled out.  Life does that.  I've come to accept that's how it works.

I've also pondered the consolations--those things which have quieted a hurting heart, cheered me on and brought me relief.  There are so many joys in the course of the day--listing three simple joys is easy peasy for me.  Perhaps it's a case of me being 'easily amused' (which IS true about me!) or maybe I'm just more centered in my relationship with My Maker, at peace with where I am in the grander scope of things.  I've had some silly experiences helping me put things to right size.  I've had some very joyful moments and it's true--I am easily amused!

*laughing*  Or--maybe I'm just tired, having an off day and not taking a thorough inventory? Which is why I sat on it for a day--took stock a second time and I still AM where I am.  It's a good place.  Seven weeks of 'this' brought on by broken-ness....and as someone(s) pointed out to me it's been very good to me.

I have a goal--actually, it appears to be two goals but I know they're one in the same. One can't be practicing intolerance if one is practicing Brotherly Love.  Well, I suppose one could give that a try--I just know I'm not going to be able to do both at the same time--not without looking horribly schizophrenic and in need of deep psychological help.  (there could be a smidegeon of truth in there somewhere....LOL)

Really--same goal for me. Be nice--recognize the good in others, say it (and don't undo it), and keep moving.
I have a limited audience I'm playing to at this moment--or so I would like to believe.  People call, people come--and there's the poor fella who's stuck in the middle of this whole ordeal with me.  Trust me--I've not been Suzy Sunshine day in day out for seven weeks.

But the focus is as the focus is.  And I've been graced with some awesome opportunities to BE available and BE loving. And when I get told this past week that it's been 'good' having me here, even in my witchiness.
I must be doing okay--even if it's with a lot of effort on my part to just SAY IT and not undo it.
Yes.......more practice.
Definitely more practice.

Dare to Have Joy:
*  Thunder....and lightening.....in January!  How cool is THAT?!
*  Hearing 'bloody hell' followed by a 'sorrysorrysorry'.  *laughing*
*  Rain on the roof......oh how I've missed that sound......

Message from the Fairy

He that knew all that learning ever writ Knew only this - that he knew nothing yet. --Aphra Behn  

It's true that the more information we have about the world, the more clearly we see the shape of what we don't know. 

It's also true that we don't need to learn anything at all in order to deal fairly with others and to walk gently in the world.  

The wisdom that we need is inside us. 

Before our schooling teaches us to forget it, we know instinctively how to treat others because we know how we wish others to treat us, and we know that all people are one.  

This primitive knowledge mustn't be buried under the classifications and analyses we pick up along the way. 

We can, if we try, de-school ourselves to the point where we can listen to our spirits, trust our bodies, and revere the world for the seamless whole it is.  

If I cherish my original wisdom, then learning can help me to be comfortable in my ignorance.

Dreamy Descent

Huggy Fairy Thought

We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth. --Virginia Satir  

Virginia Satir was an internationally acclaimed therapist. She knew a lot about what people need to be healthy and happy and to live in good relationships with each other. She was very smart, and most of her advice was pretty simple.  Take hugs, for example. What could be more simple? One person reaching out to touch another person with safety and care. Very simple. But what do hugs give people? Comfort. Acceptance. The basics we all need no matter where we are at today. 

Please pass the kleenex

People are really gracious, yaknow?
A gal brought me a stack of movies a couple weeks back and I've whittled away at 'em.  (not really a movie watcher--but these past weeks of being immobile have altered that a bit)  Not any ookey spooky movies (cuz nightmares will happen--they'll start before I even get to bed.....yes, I'm wussy like that).  Not blast 'em to smithereen movies.  (I don't do that graphic violence well either).  And not sexually explict either (yeah, well.....not feeling compelled to explain THAT one.....LOL)

Doesn't leave much now a days..so yes.......
They were 'those' kind of movies.....

I watched "Courageous".
I think tears happened at least four times.

OH my gosh......
I was gonna pass on watching it in all honesty.

Excellent movie.
I'm glad I slipped it in.
Even if an abundance of kleenex was required.

Dare to Have Joy:

*  The antique New York Central pamphlet I was gifted.
*  Clearing out the crafting box for card making.
*  Listening to the NEW bitty Rock Island train going 'round and 'round the basement.

*snickering*

TFTD

When we accept life on life's terms, we are acknowledging reality. 

We have all, on occasion, run from the truth. 

When we were in a situation that frightened us, we would turn tail and run. 

We would do our imitation of an ostrich and stick our heads in the sand, pretending the situation didn't exist and was not happening.  

When we accept something, we are not passively taking it in. 

We are ready to work through and toward our new awareness. 

But we can't do anything at all unless we accept it as a reality.  

We know what it's like to run from our problems. 

We tried to prove it they were caused by something wrong in our lives, our jobs, our family, our childhood, our relationships, even the weather. 

After we ran out of excuses, we finally accepted our part.  

My acceptance of my part is not passive, but based in reality and truth.  

It is only then that change can begin.

Colourful Memory

It's FRIDAY!!!!

Now, granted, I'm not engaged in 'stuff' that truly marks a 'week' from a 'weekend'......but for some reason, the thought of Friday is just making me happier than happy.

*laughing*  What's up with that?!

Oh, who cares!  It's FRIDAY!!!!!  Wooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!

Dare to Have Joy:

*  The 1000 piece puzzle himself presented me with.
*  Crunchy Cheetos of the Jalapeno type!
*  The wee tree.  :-)

Fairy Reading for Today

Friendship and Love

Friendships or marriages based on "dire need" or physical security are doomed to fail if each person in the relationship does not grow beyond his or her limited ways of thinking and reacting.

The ideal relationship is one in which each partner strives to grow. It is an ever-expanding commitment, mutually supportive of healthy interdependence. A healthy relationship encourages the seeking of wider mental and spiritual horizons; it is never threatened permanently by them.

TODAY Do I give my loved ones enough room to grow? Do I encourage my friends or mate to do things without me? Am I threatened by change or do I welcome it? Do I have the courage to do things on my own, even if my loved ones do not give me support? Do I have the courage and consideration to share my changes with those I love?

Wee Tree Beginnings

His and Hers' Prisms

Oh, the joys of time to think.......

Right!

Puzzle number 10 completed!
Oy.....  There are so many things sitting out for me to amuse myself with--it's amusing!  LOL

Puzzles.
Remote controls (four for goodness sakes--none of which I know how to use!)
Perplexus puzzley game thingy.
Crochet 'stuff'.
Cards/letter writing 'stuff'.
Coloured pencils and doodle 'stuff'.
Build a mini sand castle box.
Nerf gun!!  :-D
Chapstick.
Box with supplies for making pretties from old book pages.
Peanuts in a bowl--just in case....
Magazines.
Book......'nother book.....and yet another book!
Funky post-it notes.
Garden twine 'stuff'.  (don't ask....LOL)
Crossword puzzle book.
Sudoku book (what're the odds of THAT!  LOL)
Pencils, scissors, glue, pen, clothes pins, tube of hand lotion--all in a tin bucket.
Yellow tin bucket--for the peanut shells and any other trashy kinda stuff I might create.
Letters to respond to.Cards received--neatly stacked at this very moment.
OH......mirror and brush and hair ties for hair fixing purposes, of course.
Wee kleenex packet.
Wee angel.
Wee bubbles in a ducky necklace.  (must have, dontchaknow!)
Lapdesk for writing.
Nail file (should be in the tin bucket--but I'm messy sometimes.....)
Asprin (one a day, says the doc!)

Oh, I know I'm missing a dozen or so things--it's a very hefty mess.  LOL

I keep thinkin' I'll locate something to put all this STUFF in so the whole livingroom isn't this disaster.
Like------maybe a little red wagon that I could later use in the yard!  :-)
Or a green one.

Oh nooooooooooo......I'm thinking again!  :-D


Dare to Have Joy:

*  Anticipation of decorating the naked wee tree.
*  Sending off stupid paperwork--it's DONE......yeaaaaahhhh!
*  The sound of the temple chime.

Dusting

Dare to be empty.

Dare to let go.

Dare to believe.

Group Hug

Wax on/Wax off

After all this time, I still end up with the word 'secretive' attached to me.
I struggle to understand that one.  Seriously--I see myself as horribly 'open', so much so that I think there's little to Mel's life that people DON'T know.  I really don't spend a whole lot of time trying to 'cover up' choices I made 40 years ago--or 40 seconds ago!  (no, I STILL haven't perfected perfection,darnitall!)

Am I 'private'? (just a nice way to say 'secretive' I guess)
I can't even lay claim to that one--though I'm relatively sure OTHER people would, based on some of my choices in how I share things.  I chuckle when others look at me in amazement  and gasp "you have CHILDREN?".  Apparently the very thought of me getting to actually PARENT just throws people for a loop-dee-loop?  *laughing*  I guess I can understand why, given the experiences I seem to get to share with others.  I share MY stuff.
I've learned it does no good to share anyone else's stuff BUT mine.  I don't get to change anything or anyone but me/my actions/my attitude.......*sigh*  There's a fact I don't muchly like sometimes--but I deal, cuz that's truth.

Now, there was a time I operated under 'what goes on in this house, stays in this house'--basic rules for survival in an abusive, alcoholic household are:  Don't TALK, don't TRUST, don't FEEL.  I got really, really good at all three.  And I've worked really, really hard to breaking all three of those rules.  And I got there with a whole lot of help from strangers.

My goal, the dream, to be of maximum benefit to G-d and others hasn't waivered  for some time.  It's not a secret, it's not private.  I've learned that the only way to GET to where I WANT to be, is with the help of others.  I have proven over and over and over to ME--that, for whatever reason, I simply can't GET there by my lonesome.  I've tried.....and tried.....and almost died trying......more than once (I'm a slow learner.)

It took a lot of brokenness to get me to come to understand it's not an *I* thing that's independent of others.
I get to ask, I get to appear like I NEED something, I get to be 'naked' with others.
I get to just tell the truth to someone.....anyone.....
Nothing happens until I do that.

It's that first step in everything for me--TELL THE TRUTH.
(tell the truth/all the time/wax on/wax off)

Who knows of this dream I have?  Who's taking the journey with me?  Who am I accountable to? All of here--all of there.  All of them--all of you.
WPIML did me a favor a very long time ago when he helped me come to a working understanding that I canNOT get 'there' alone.

Admittedly, I know how to NOT do it.
And I know how to 'GET 'ER DONE'.

I simply do the direct polar opposite of what that wee voice in me screams.
And I tell the truth.

Dare to Have Joy:

*  280 days til Halloween!  ;-)
*  The 261 train cars in the basement.
*  The wee bottle of sea shells that got placed at the desk for my viewing pleasure!

TFTD

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.

--Samuel T. Coleridge

Once we thought we knew everything and no one could teach us very much. Now we know others have help and experience and wisdom to offer us, if only we're willing to listen. Learning to listen can be hard. But we can learn from watching others and talking with other people about accepting criticism. We're learning new ways to act and react, and learning to listen is a good place to start. And in time, maybe others, even our families, will follow our example and learn to listen, too.

Brr!!

Today's Fairy Thought

It is a cheap generosity which promises the future in compensation for the present.

--J. A. Spender

Living in this moment is all we really have. We are constantly bombarded with advice to live for the future, but it perpetually exists beyond our grasp like the carrot tempting the donkey. We are told to be mindful of our career paths, to save for the future, and to sacrifice now for later rewards. We put off spending time with our children, but later they are no longer the same children. We postpone seeing friends now and discover later we have lost our relationships.

Of course, we can't be foolish about our future. We need to make some plans and delay some immediate pleasures. But for now, we can only have a rapport with ourselves and others and experience life in this moment. The present is the only time when anything can happen, any change can occur. This moment is like a fresh, cool breeze. The rest exists only in our imaginations or memories.

Desktop Worthy

Has it been a year?

Wow.....it's been a year.
BOY has it been a year.

I took up this challenge last year--the timing was implicit, as timing generally is.  I took it up and gifted the sister with a letter a day for the month of February.  She was waiting for her surgery, newly diagnosed with oral cancer.  I spent a month in sunny California as a result--but prior to the devastation of surgery, there were letters galore.  She told me what that meant to her many times over.  When I returned home and she went through chemotherapy, the letters continued.  Not every day, but multiples in the week....even though we sent texts every day, I knew what the letters meant.  Making that trip to the mailbox was a treat for her.  And a battle.  Leaving the 'safety' of her house to run the risk of being seen by the public eye was huge--even in those few steps.

She's doing better with getting people time.  We've continued to push her.  She and I converse on the phone--difficult to understand some moments given the loss of most of her tongue, I've no qualms to tell her 'nope--didn't understand squat what you just said......rewind, rewind!'.  She's able to laugh at that--notsomuch at the folks who pretend they understand her out of embarrassment or a need to be (what they believe) is kind.

The letters made a hard time a bit more bearable for her.  They helped her feel connected and loved.  She told me she would 'hear' my voice when she read--more proof that I write as I talk, I guess.

So it's the letters that I return to--and come February, it'll be a letter a day to somewhere!  Now, I'm not sure where and I don't have a plan.  *laughing*  Go figure.  But I do have a sense of the difference that a card or letter, scattered in with the junk that gets shoved into that little box makes.

So I'm back for another round!

Woooooohoooooooo!!  And I even have a bit of an edge cuz I made a whole BOX of cards to write on and it's sitting RIGHT where I can reach it.
Or........it will be when I ask he-who-moves-things-within-reach to move it into my comfy space we've created!

Okay....NOW I'm excited for February to come!!  :-D

Dusting

We shall not cease from exploration,

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive from where we started

And know the place for the first time.

  —T. S. Eliot

Sleeping with Bread

At a time when things feel upside-down and inside-out.....I truly am blessed.
And when I glance backwards through the week, I can see the good in the days, even if I do grumble a bit here and there (and everywhere!  LOL).

I have been so well taken care of.

From my employer who continues to stay connected, encouraging and supporting....to the people around me who've managed to take care of my every need (and trust me when I say I've needed a LOT from them.....).   I've been so graced and well loved.  It's amazing.

If my greatest desolation was the purple cast this week--that speaks volumes!
It's about the ONE thing that I don't (and would if I could!) get to change today.  And it seemingly it's what I hang on to as a 'right to kvetch' material.
Honestly, the experience is bringing me a whole array of 'stuff'--and focusing on the me/my/mine bit is me doing what I DO.

Counting joys in the day has been so helpful to me.  That one little thing has helped my attitude shift a bit.  Trust me--it needed to shift.
Maybe it's that coupled with the visit to the doctor and getting a 'come back in three weeks' diagnosis.  LOL  Somehow that feels like 'light at the end of a tunnel'....even though he clearly spoke to the 2 MORE months of healing I will need to be doing.
Maybe it was the intense inventory taking--the good, long, hard look at the differences between what I say.....and what I do.
There's great humility in discovering you STILL say one thing and do another, more times than you like.
I'm one that depends on humility to stay 'right sized' in order to BE at peace....boy--I know how that sounds odd, but is true for me.

After all that 'what happened to change things thinking' is the relief comes that moment of 'WHY isn't important' -- the level of witchiness has decreased, the level of frustration has decreased and my thinking is less intolerant.  I'm hugely grateful for that.
As are the people around me, no doubt.

I want the 'WHY' so I can bottle it and drink from it the next time (cuz there will be a next time) I get piffy and intolerant and witchy.

Perhaps the answer is to drink it up TODAY and let TODAY be a day filled with love and gratitude.

Tin Roof Treasure

Ta da!!

When it takes you all day to clean the coffee pot.....and that wears you out--pretty good clue that there's something not quite right.
Seriously.
All day.
Fill it up with cleaner--start it.....stop it and let it sit.
Repeat.  (yikes it was awful!)
Rinse.
Rinse again.
Rinse again.
Rinse again.
Rinse one more time for good measure.

Now--that means you crutch into the kitchen, manipulate crutches so you can get the stuff from the cupboards, fill up the pot, slidddddddde it across the counter to the coffee maker while you inch your way to said cruddy coffee maker, manipulate crutches some more to get into another cupboard for filters--pour the gunk into the coffee maker......and crutch back to the livingroom where you work on a puzzle, read a book, crochet a bit, watch a bit of nonsense television, step out to enjoy a bit of sunshine on the front porch even--and then do it all over again.
And again.
And again.
And again and again and again.

And let's not forget the bit about pulling the trashcan's lid off, emptying the filter into the trash with one hand as you balance on crutches with the other--and mutter cuz the filter's stuck in the coffee maker's basket.  Oh, and then there's the balancing act to manipulate and put the darn lid back on the trashcan.......geeze......
Not once--not twice....but six times.
Why I didn't think to leave the lid off--don't ask.

I slept really, really well.
And I have GREAT coffee this morning--in record time!

I wonder what great adventure I can involve myself in today?!

Dare to Have Joy:  

*  Of course......a clean coffee maker!  Woohoo!!
*  The smiling Frankenstein coffee mug I refused to pack up with the Halloween things.
*  283 days until Halloween!! (yes, I'm counting!)

Today's Thought

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

--Kahlil Gibran

Love doesn't demand; love compromises. It doesn't possess; it frees. Love doesn't gloat; it praises. Love makes friends of strangers. It softens our rough edges and strengthens our assets. Knowing we're loved inspires us and invites forth our best effort. Offering our love humbles us and cultivates an inner joy.

Never, in the name of love, should we direct another person's life, but instead let's celebrate the choices made by someone dear, even when they run counter to our own desires. We are each blessed with a destiny, unique and necessary to the others in our lives. We must be allowed to travel our paths to fulfillment.

Time Kissed

Today's Fairy Reminder

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

--Winston Churchill

As we grow spiritually, we naturally become more generous. It's a quality of a well-developed person. Rather than being anxious over whether we will have enough - and rather than hungrily seeking more and more - we become more openhearted. We feel more abundant within ourselves and find that our spirit of generosity even adds to our own abundant feelings. Where we see a need, we help out.

A generous person doesn't need to shower others with material gifts. The most precious gifts are things such as paying attention to others, respecting them for who they are, and giving our time. Often a material gift is a symbol of the good feelings in a relationship. In our generosity, we also learn to receive others' gifts to us with humility and respect.

Glory

Who ARE you.....

Every once in a while someone asks me "who ARE you......really......"

I'm never quite sure how to respond to them.
Being the trusting soul I am, I 'warp speed' into looking for their hidden agenda....some crumb that discounts them actually wanting to come to know ME...looking for that bit that they're really asking.

I'm a child of G-d.

I'm NOT my occupation, what I choose to do/what I'm purposed to do and have done for 35 years.
I'm NOT the disease of choice for the day--though I do have a host of them that I get to use for the good of others....and me cuz that's how it works.
I'm NOT the outside package that might or might not be suitably dressed for one of the many roles I get to step into.
I'm NOT the proud 'owner' of children--though I am blessed to have them in my life.
I'm NOT the role that society puts me in...though I have 'earned' the titles by right of passage.

I'm a child of G-d.
A lover of sunrises and sunsets.
An agitator in the washing machine.

Dare to Have Joy:

*  Finishing the 3D jigsaw puzzle.  
*  Sitting in the sunshine with my blankie.
*  Managing steps on crutches is reason to celebrate!

Today's Reading

Wisdom comes with age, but also with maturity. It is knowing that all is well in the midst of a storm. And as our faith grows, as we trust more that there is a power greater than ourselves, which will see us through, we can relax, secure that a better time awaits us.

We will come to understand the part a difficult circumstance has played in our lives. Hindsight makes so much clear. The broken marriage, the lost job, the loneliness have all contributed to who we are becoming. The joy of the wisdom we are acquiring is that hindsight comes more quickly. We can, on occasion, begin to accept a difficult situation's contribution to our wholeness while caught in the turmoil.

How far we have come! So seldom do we stay caught, really trapped, in the fear of misunderstanding. Life must teach us all we need to know. We can make the way easier by stretching our trust--by knowing fully that the pain of the present will open the way to the serenity of the future.

I know that this too shall pass.

Rolled in Winter

The long process to the small (HUGE) goal

For years..YEARS I've had an assignment from WPIML. Yes--I can be a 'slow learner'.   I've been known to balk on occasion.
The 'assignment' hasn't changed.
I have (though sometimes I struggle to admit that)--the assignment has not.

I hate math.  I've always told people that I do NOT do math.
I also have a multi million dollar budget that I'm responsible for.....and managed successfully.  So while I might go on and on about not doing math--I do math.

And I've 'done the math' on this one.

I do not like letting myself LOOK as loving, as willing, as compassionate, as tolerant, as patient, as kind, as forgiving, as open-minded, as caring, as gentle........as I AM.
So I took a list of 100 virtues and looked at exactly which ones I struggle with--and not in the sense of actually ACTING on those virtues, but in the sense of letting those virtues be seen by others.


Acceptance
Accountability
Appreciation
Assertiveness
Awe
Beauty
Caring
Certitude
Charity
Cheerfulness
Cleanliness
Commitment
Compassion
Confidence
Consideration
Contentment
Cooperation
Courage
Courtesy
Creativity
Decisiveness
Detachment
Determination
Devotion
Dignity
Diligence
Discernment
Empathy
Endurance
Enthusiasm
Excellence
Fairness
Faith
Faithfulness
Fidelity
Flexibility
Forbearance
Forgiveness
Fortitude
Friendliness
Generosity
Gentleness
Grace
Gratitude
Helpfulness
Honesty
Honor
Hope
Humanity
Humility
Idealism
Independence
Initiative
Integrity
Joyfulness
Justice
Kindness
Love
Loyalty
Mercy
Mindfulness
Moderation
Modesty
Nobility
Openness
Optimism
Orderliness
Patience
Peacefulness
Perceptiveness
Perseverance
Prayerfulness
Purity
Purposefulness
Reliability
Resilience
Respect
Responsibility
Reverence
Righteousness
Sacrifice
Self-discipline
Serenity
Service
Simplicity
Sincerity
Steadfastness
Strength
Tact
Thankfulness
Thoughtfulness
Tolerance
Trust
Trustworthiness
Truthfulness
Understanding
Unity
Wisdom
Wonder
Zeal

And because THAT was totally overwhelming (LOOK at all those!!), albeit revealing, I went back to narrow it down and I looked at the 12 principles:

Honesty
Hope
Faith 
Courage
Integrity
Willingness
Humility
Brotherly Love
Justice
Perseverance
Spirituality
Service

I WANT others to see me as honest, full of integrity, just, persevering and in service to others.

Loving, willing, humble, hopeful, courageous and spiritual?  Not so much--
AM I living in those principles?
Yes.  They live in my heart, they come out in actions on a daily basis.

But I don't want the world to view me as one of those sappy, weak, loving kinda people.  I actively un-do that perception every chance I get.
I shuddered to even put that in black and white.  It's not a secret--I've been very open about that barrier for a very long time.
I know the barrier lives in ME.
I know part of the barrier is ego.
I know part of the barrier is identity.
I know part of the barrier is my own preconceived notions about 'loving people' based on some faulty thinking and experience gathering to validate MY perception.  I love being RIGHT so much, that I'm willing to discard any experience gathering that might validate the opposite.
So in essence--I validate the lie I tell myself and create a reality based on wanting to be RIGHT.
I stay protected from G-d knows what....and off I go......RIGHT again!

It's tiring work to NOT be what you are, but I've turned it into a game of sorts.  People who know me well, know the game but still play along.
WPIML doesn't play.
It gets mightily uncomfortable when he just stares at me and waits.

Trust me when I say, I'm more okay with THAT uncomfortable-ness than I am with the uncomfortable-ness that comes with letting things LOOK how they really are for me.......with me.......IN me.

Pick one principle, WPIML says.
Pick ONE and let it be visible without engaging in the game playing 'un-doing'.

Small leap of faith to pick one, live it and NOT undo it.......and just let it LOOK as it IS.
But I have a desire to be more effective in service to G-d and others.  It's in my heart, it's what I've been gifted with.  It's who I AM and what my Creator celebrates in me.

Picked one.  Because I was asked to, because living that dream comes with a stretching and pulling and growing that's always, always been worth it.
Picked one because it's been the hardest for me to NOT undo.
Picked one because it's showed again and again and again in that nightly inventory......in the weekly Sleeping with Bread.
Picked one because I AM and I WILL,

Of course I picked Brotherly Love.
Of course that means I'll be trying desperately NOT to un-do loving.

The bite-size piece is to simply recognize the good in others without undoing, without disqualifying myself in the message, without joking, without all that game playing stuff that I'm inclined to do to preserve the perception I desperately try to shape......just let it BE after it's recognized.  Say it--keep moving.

Truly?
I'm sweating it already.
And that's not to discount/discredit who I AM.......or maybe it is.
When you engage in the game for a lifetime, it becomes difficult to determine.

Say it.  Keep moving.
SAY IT.  Keep moving.
I've no problem saying it.......it's the keep moving part that petrifies me cuz I know how that'll make me look.

*laughing*  LOVING!
Oh my gosh.......see!  Trying to undo it!
*sitting on hands*

Fairy Reminder

Some days you will try your best

and it will not feel like enough.

Some days the words you want to heal will hurt instead.

Some days you will question everything you do

and why you do it.

This doesn't mean you're a failure.

Or you should quit.

Or God is mad at you.

It just means this...

All of your days you will be human.

All of your days you will grow but not reach perfection.

All of your days there will be grace enough for you.

Keep going, friend.

Keep trying.

Keep moving forward.

I know it's hard on some days. But you are more than those days.

And at the end of all your days you will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

That will make it all worthwhile.

So close your eyes and remember you are loved.

Today. Tomorrow. Forever.

Dude!!

Wow.......

One might guess after all that yesterday, last night was nightmarish.  But today looked better and, tight as the purple cast is, I've been able to do some adjusting.
I even made the bed!  k....doesn't sound big to anyone but me, mostly cuz it's been 5 weeks since I made the darn thing.
AND I put on clean sheets all by myself!
Bit of a struggle--but I'm a manipulator and I persevered!

And now--SIT.  RELAX.  Wrap my head around three more weeks of this 'being cooped up' bit.  And get over it, for crying out loud.
Really, I think I was over it mid morning.  I'm just so relieved that stuff is healing, even if it's healing at a rate slower than I like.

In the meantime--there's three weeks of time to.....to.....ummmm....
HOW I've managed to spend five weeks, I really can't say.
Planning for the three weeks moving forward--that just ain't gonna happen.

But I will put together the puzzles that himself toted to the livingroom.  I have a 3D one even!
And I will get some of this piled up paperwork sorted out and sent on.
Yikes--people want copies of the darnedest things. Why I have to sign releases to obtain my OWN medical dictation is beyond me...but there ya have it!

Tomorrow I'll sign and send off stuff.  The stack on the computer desk is starting to annoy me.
Oh wait.....did I say I wasn't going to plan?
Uh huh.......  THAT lasted all of 2 minutes!

Dare to Have Joy:

*  Watching the nut hatch dude hop up the tree.
*  Ohhhh......freshly washed sheets!
*  Talking with the sister.

Today's Reading

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ummmmmmm....yeah......

"Massive surgeries, screws and plates--or natural healing.  I think we should go for natural healing."

So said the doctor.
So 5.5 hours of doc time(which doesn't include the drive time...another 2.5 hours), x-rays, cut off the cast, check for blood clots (none, tyvm!), more x-rays...and finally, the new purple (yes, purple!) cast.  Yep--toe to hip purple.  I'm all that and a bag of chips.  I even got four stickers from the radiology folks! (bit of a competition to see which made me happier--the Tigger one made me laugh, btw)

And......I immediately fell over at the hospital, saved only by the wall that was within reach, with my new purple cast.  Let's facet in a new fear factor.  *sigh*
It's lighter (thank you!), it's tighter (seems the other shifted and impeded the healing process), and it's bent more sharply at the knee.  Every thing that I learned to do for the past five weeks...I'll get to relearn.
And no, returning to work isn't an option (knew that one.....still hoped for different!).  Perhaps a few hours from home can be talked about.  (doing that already!)
Go back in three weeks.

Another three weeks of inactivity.

Right.
"Massive surgeries, screws and plates--or natural healing."

I agreed to the natural healing option.
Although.....with the price of titanium only going UP--I might wanna do some research!

WOW am I purple!
I mean.........REALLY purple!  :-/


Dare to Have Joy:

*  The 4, yes FOUR happy stickers I got from the radiology folks.
*  Handing over the half a box of french fries to he-who-was-hungrier-than-I.
*  The black scarf I insisted on wearing--do ya KNOW what shows when you're crutching your way around?!  *laughing*

Fairy Thought for Today

I wish I hadn't lost track of the guys I was stationed with. I kick myself for that. --Tom Harding  

We all have regrets, don't we? 

Some of us left jobs or spouses or neighborhoods only to wish we hadn't. 

Perhaps we closed the door on our family of origin and then felt grief when parents or siblings died. 

More commonly we regret the instances when our mean spirited behavior or attitude hurt someone else. 

We weren't always honest and forthright; we didn't always try to help a friend or co-worker who needed our advice. 

We simply didn't put our best self forward when the opportunities for doing so presented themselves.  

Dwelling on the "shoulds" of past years is fruitless. We did the best we knew how to do at the time. The past is gone. Let's quit digging up the bones of old regrettable experiences. All they do is cloud our minds when we're trying to respond to today's opportunities.  I won't have anything to regret tomorrow if I respond to today with my best self.

I won! I won!!

Well--talk about making my day!

Carol let me know I WON one of her fantastic art pieces.  She's been doing a piece a day--and she made it a whole year!

Wanna help me pick?  *laughing*

I suck at choosing--but I narrowed it down to three!
Sorta.......could be five or six, ten even--truth be told!

I like this one!

Ohhhhhh.....and THIS one!  Isn't that amazing!

And this....how beautiful are those colours!

And this--with the mixed media........wow--isn't that too cool?!

And the product of a continuous line.

THIS one--just makes me smile.

I love that I can't decide.
I THOUGHT I decided.......

Oh bother........

Quilt Barn #58