ummmm.....k!!

I'm all set for tomorrow's appointment, I assure he-who-worries that I know where I'm going and I can get there just fine....yes, I know which elevator, yes, I know which floor, yes I have my paperwork and money for parking!!  Eeeesssshhhh!!!

And then he asks if I'll be fine with the 'roundabout.

'Roundabout!!!!

OMG.....the 'roundabout.
....k...yup, it'll be good.  The arrows on the ground indicate where you wanna end up....NOT the direction you're turning.  You're going to go right no matter which direction you're aiming to go.....soooooo...I'm gonna stay in the lane with the straight arrow EVEN THOUGH I'm really gonna head right.
And I'll how to get OFF this 'roundabout HOW?!

I'm relatively sure nobody's gonna mind if I go 'round and 'round....and 'round again....

Here's your sign....

Fairy Reading

In this world everything changes except good deeds and bad deeds; these follow you as the shadows follow the body.

--Ruth Benedict

Our identity, our being at any moment, is a composite of all we have been in the past. Some of our actions have made us wiser. Others haunt us because we didn't put forth our best effort. All of our deeds contributed in some measure to our growth, however, and they can guide our choice to behave honorably today.

Acceptance, of who we are, our total self, is necessary for our emotional maturity. Shame for past actions will keep us stuck. Our restitution for the past is best made by responsible behavior today. How fortunate that each waking moment offers us opportunities to become our better selves.

Delivery

Fairy Reminder

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

-- Flora Whittemore

We often hear the phrase, "When one door shuts, another opens." It means everything has a beginning and an end. When our travels on one path are completed, another path lies ahead.

It's not easy to feel a door close. Relationships, friendships, careers, and lives end. Although we may not understand why a door closes, it's important to remember our Higher Power has everything to do with it. By the same token, we may not understand why certain doors open, revealing opportunities we may have longed for. Again, our Higher Power feels we are ready to pursue that new experience.

The doors that open and close today help prepare us for our experiences tonight. The doors that open and close tonight will help us grow toward tomorrow. We are not mice in a maze, randomly pursuing paths for a reward of cheese. We are children of our Higher Power, guided towards our chosen goal through the many doors we open and close along the way.

The continued quest for "normal"

I've been VERY cared for during the 16 months of brokenness.  I still consider THIS to be "brokenness" because this pain is daily, still interfering with my day to day funtioning--and it's not what I would consider "normal".  The skirt brushing against my leg really shouldn't feel like shards of glass being drug against my skin.  It just should't FEEL that way.  I've tried to convince it that it's wrong.  But I'm still dealing in shards of glass, stabbing pains, bouts of battery acid and some bad sunburns.

Today my PT gal went over what we've tried and wanted to make sure she was as specific as she could be with the gal my ortho trauma doc is sending me off to see.  I'm suppose to make a time line of this adventure.  The point is to look for patterns and to help the gal have a clear understanding.

THIS isn't a 16 month old problem.  For 10 months I was dealing in casts, a brace...and walking around on a nonunion femur break.  There's an example of how freaking tolerant I am of pain.  I had the surgery at the close of August.  The pain I had then was easily attributed to having that 14" worth of incision, complete with the hardware and shaved off bone superglue doc made.  LOL!  But come October / start of November, it leap to my lower leg and I thought I was going mental.  Truth is, I STILL think I'm all mental somedays...but I just can't seem to "suck it up and keep moving" no matter how hard I want to.

I know I was threateing to ruin doc's Thanksgiving if he didn't FIX IT.  And I know again at the end of January/February I was having a meltdown on the poor PT gal.

I also know this fine adventure has changed a whole lot in my LIFE.  And not all for (what FEELS like) the 'good'.  I gotta believe that it'll end up there....but living in this constant overload of pain in varying degrees is not "normal life" for me.
And I'm not willing to accept that this is just how it gets to be.

So....I have naked men to colour/draw symbols into.  I have a timeline to make.  I'm thinkin' that's today's project.  And I have a PT gal who wants me to connect with her no matter the results or recommendations.  She's a keeper.
AND she says no matter what, I'm welcome to keep using the gym for as long as I like.  How can ya not love her for that.

Reading for Today

You can’t change the past. So there’s no point in continuing to rehash it in your mind.

Yes, there is much you can learn from the past. Once you’ve learned what there is to learn, move quickly on.

Though you can’t change the past, you can choose the way you feel about it. Your best choice is to always feel thankful that your past has brought you to where you are.

Where you are now is a place and time filled with great possibilities. Choose the most positive and meaningful of those possibilities, and go with them.

Go into the future with a sincere sense of gratitude and purposeful intention. Go into the future informed and inspired by the past, but not burdened by it.

The past has been good to you because it has given you the opportunity of now. Wisely use that opportunity and make the future even better.

Where tarts come from... :-/

Things that make me happy....

....being employed.  I could just as easily not be.

....being able to say "is there anything I can do to help"--and meaning it.

....going an hour without hacking my lung out.

....watching the melting progress on the river.

....finding new little parks where I can catch some fresh air.

....being happily greeted by folks in the morning.

....NOT being locked out of the coffee room.

Fairy Wisdom for the Day

You’re not here today to just get by. You’re here to be amazing.

There are a lot of challenges and obstacles, yet there is no reason to be anything less than amazing. Feel the true passion that lives in you, and let the passion push you to do something amazing.

Look around, and see how beautiful and filled with wonder the world is. You are part of an amazing universe, and can be just as amazing in your own unique way.

Today is not just a couple dozen hours to struggle through. Today represents your opportunity to express your amazing nature in new ways.

Focus your attention and energy on what you love and treasure most. In that love is the power to be authentically and uniquely amazing.

This is a one-of-a-kind, amazing day. You’re here to make it even more so.

*sigh*

This is crazy.....really, I wonder what and why....  Seriously, for a woman used to puttng out fires and running around tending to business inbetween...who was GOOD at it.  What in the world are they thinking?!
Maybe they're expecting me to die of boredom or something...
I really don't get it.

Okay...I know come the 2nd of next month I'm going to have a report to cross reference.  And apparently it's a booger of a report.  But that still leaves me with tomorrow to live through....And Monday.
I'm gonna go nuts.  I mean it.
I have a cubicle.  I have all kinds of little to NOTHING to do while I'm in there....'cept listen to the IT guys give each other a hard time.
I can't even be responsible to empty my own trashcan....there's a fella that comes and tidy's up every night who does that.
Good grief...*sigh*

Fairy Material

Whatever the situation may be, whoever may be to blame, your best option is to move forward. No matter how the past has been, or what you have or do not have, your best choice is to move forward.

There is something you can do right now that will make a positive difference and move things forward. Find it and do it.

If you’re dismayed and don’t really feel like doing anything, what will quickly help you feel much better is doing something to move forward. If you’re not sure what to do, move forward just a little and you’ll soon see ways to move forward even more powerfully.

There may be plenty of good reasons to give up, and yet there’s one even better reason to keep moving forward. It will inject new substance and energy into your life, and with that, there’s no limit to what you can achieve and learn.

Hail, hail the gang's all here

Forecasters

And just when I thought I'd heard 'em all--another oldie gets tossed out at me.

I need to remember that robin doesn't walk more than three times in new snow.
Spring cometh!

Yeah, well.....we're at three, or so I'm told by the farmers in bib overalls.  *laughing*  Doesn't matter that I count five (and don't think they didn't tell me I was wrong..LOL...they are sooooooo good for my ego!)--they count three and they tell me we're done.

Of course, when we get that snowstorm in April they'll be saying we all counted wrong.  *laughing*
Cuz the robin's are always right, dontchaknow.

Daily Reminder

Instead of letting the difficulties get you down, let them inspire you. Let them inspire you to focus more intently on the good, valuable and beautiful aspects of life.

No life is free of pain, inconvenience, frustration or challenge. However, there is no law that says you have to let those negative things completely overwhelm your awareness.

Take the difficulties in stride, and then be sure to move quickly on to the joys. No matter what has happened, remember that joy can always be your next experience.

Undressing for Spring

k....I'll get into the routine, really I will.

Okay....I'm gonna figure this out.  I can go in at 7am to exercise every day.  And get to work by 9am....and leave at 5pm so I'm home by 6pm and leave at 715pm to be at the 8pm meeting....get home 930ish....bubble bath, sleep.... and repeat!!  Well, repeat om Tuesday, Thursday and Friday....oh, and Sunday.  Sunday doesn't count cuz that's.....Sunday?

Right...I will get it figured out.  I mean, this is just the first week.  I'll get a rhythm going and it'll be easy peasy!  (Oy....one can hope!)

Ice packed roads this morning for PT.  I was kinda hoping that hour would make 'em less hazardous.  Notsomuch.  Two trucks in the ditch, I was glad it wasn't me.  But I got there just fine.  And I was 3 minutes late.  Going 40-50mph will do that.  It'll also keep you outta the ditch.
Right....cuppa coffee, a few deep breaths and back imto the car for the meeting.  I was volunteered to 'chair'.  Riigghhttt...you'd think they were trying to tell me something.....like SHOW UP.
:-/
LOL....WORKED!!

wee trains...wee person...LOL

TFTD

Instead of letting a certain occurrence stir up judgment, let it stir up love. Wrap your love around whatever happens, and make it into something good.

From joy, from pain, from pleasure, from disappointment, you can move in a positive direction. It’s a choice you can make each day that will surely improve each tomorrow.

There is much in life to love, and your love has a character all its own. Use each moment, each incident, each circumstance as an opportunity to express that love in your unique way.

Wrap your love around life, no matter what life may offer. Wrap your love around life, and you’ll make life better in countless ways.

....k....bored already....

The first project....put together 2 reports with the data on two performance measures, by the quarters and include the year to date....for the agency.  And get it to him in the next 48 hours.

I had a nce "welcome" sign on my cubicle, a comfy chair....pens and.scissors....and a brand spanking new stapler!  Oh, and a couple of stickt note pads and a calculator....and paperclips (pink....but nevermind....)

I have a list of Contracted Services that need systems developed for tracking....it'd be nice if we ensured they're actually followed through on.....systems I'd implemented were all internal, for the program I was managing.  Oh, but that'll be fun, playing around with datasets to see what I can come up with!!

Oh, and those 2 reports....done and sent in midday.  I'm not sure why he thought 48 hours was required.
So I got bored cuz I can't start other things until I get some "rights" in the system....so I bugged the IT crew who laughed and suggested I quit "being so darn effective!!"

But I survived.  And the big responsibility won't be available until April 2nd when I'll have data up the whazoo to sort through and cross reference to ensure 100% compliance.
100%…
That's like....zero squiggle room.
Eeek

Sounds ominous, but ya don't really know whatcha got til it's laying in front of ya.

OMG
Already I'm sounding all weird.
Must be some kinda weird gamma rays from that new, stand up stapler…

Daily Reminder

Nothing is more fulfilling than giving something meaningful to life. Every day provides you with the opportunity to do that.

When all is said and done, what really matters is how much you have chosen to matter. What really matters is the positive difference you have made for those with whom you share this life.

Instead of looking to impress, look to improve. Instead of grabbing for all you can get, discover how much more you can create, and give.

You simply cannot become meaningfully rich by taking. True richness comes from expressing your true nature, which is to make a difference.

The more you give, the better life gets, for you and everyone else. There is enormous value within you, and by genuinely giving of yourself you gain greater and greater benefit from that value.

The reason it feels so good to make a difference is because that’s what you long to do.

Mantra for the week (no doubt)

Let go.
Breathe.
It will all be okay.

This is my mantra.
Cuz after 24 years, I'm walikng in to a new job tomorrow.

*insert mantra*

I took the new job without knowing the details.
They didn't have the details.
So I have this.... vague idea.
But it's doing something they think I'm really good at.....
Ummmm...
I know I'll have a cubicle.
A cubicle.

*insert mantra*

I know I'll be working in an environment that's known for it's politics.
I know I can't be bothered with that crap.

*insert mantra*

I know I'm walking into this job with the same interferences I had with that job, at least physically....right now...until I get some effective interventions from this consultation with the pain clinic...hopefully...

*insert mantra*

It really WILL be okay.
I know how to walk through things when I'm frickin' fearful.  I've had plenty of practice.

*insert mantra*
*repeat*
*repeat!!*

Hung...in order dontchaknow...LOL

I'm trying to savor the moment, gather all the STUFF (we can't help it...she's just too darn FUN!!) as The Bug watches "Frozen"....again.  

We'll be off to play with trains cuz grandad is helping with an "open day" for the club's train layout.

We had breakfast at the benefit for a good fella who belongs to the club, and she got a personal invite....so of we'll go.  Besides, grandad would like one more squeeze and one more "I love you, grandad".  Melts my heart when she says that to him....she's such a grandad Bug.

Yup...it's all good.  She'll be back.

We have a fairy garden in a huge broken pot to make!!  :-)

The Bug and The Bunny

More Fairy Stuff

Look back at everything you did yesterday and ask yourself this simple but powerful question. What worked, and what didn’t?

The way to improve and to grow is to learn. The way to learn is to take the time to look at what actually happened.

You don’t need some celebrated guru to reveal to you how to improve your work. You just need the willingness to learn from what you’ve done.

The Bug's flowers

From the pile of "stuff", the masterpieces are created.  That's with a bit of persuasion about...ohLordieIdon'tbelieveI'msayingthis...'MORE' is not better.  :-/

Bit of string, a few holes--I think we'll be good for making it into garland for her window at home.  Trust me....that bit is best done with her fast asleep.  And yes, they'll be hung in order cuz there IS order to this.  Her Buggliness made it abundantly clear there had to be three of each style.  And she was very....particular about the colour order as well.

Anal.

She's A.N.A.L.

....still love the child.  But O.M.G. do I mean A.N.A.L.  LOLOL

The piles of stuff....

Fairy Reading

Peace

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.

Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.

The award goes to...

Grandad...who gets a gold star.

I need to remember this.  The last two nights there's been no question and only endorsement of me getting to the AA meeting.  And both njghts he's, no questions asked, been responsible for jammies and teeth brushing and story reading for the four year old whirlwind.
The fella deserves more than a gold star...I'll endeavor to find (and do) something outta sheer gratitude.  Cuz I've needed those back to back meetings.

I mean....SeriouslySeriously needed them.  ROFL. I mean...geeze....I had to contend with herself looking like a caterpillar all day long for G-d's sake!!  LOLOL

Almost 5

G-d help me.....she's packed her own bag she tells me....NOT that I wouldn't have guessed that.
I think it was the velvety dress with the sequins that gave it away.
Nothing matches.  She assures me the yellow tights DO go with the green dress.  I guess I oughta be grateful it's not the purple leopard tights that go with the green dress.
OMG
...k..I have time and we have access to buy an outfit or two before the fundraiser breakfast happens.
Or....the velvety blue dress with the purple leopard tights could work!!

Yup....she's big enough to pick out her own clothes now dontchaknow!!
Uh huh....and we're going shopping to celebrate that.  LOL!!

Today's Reading

We are slow to believe that which, if believed, would hurt our feelings.

—Ovid

Most of us have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.

Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.

We will do this, when the time is right. We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality - on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.

We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.

Spanning the season

Daily Reading

Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.

Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.

And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle our energy or ourselves.

We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.

Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.

Last day of winter proof

Things that make me happy....

:-)

...the Bug coming tomorrow for a long weekend!!  Woohoo!!

....knowing it's the last day of winter.  Knowing there's a pending end is awesome!!

...the crazy level of birdsong right now.

....the mechanic getting in my car right away.

....he-who-loves-me doing loving things.

....finding the lost cellphone even if it had tire track marks on the phone holder, IT STILL WORKS PERFECTLY!!

....fresh, spring fruit.  Yumm!!

....planning fun activities for the Bug me to do while she visits.  (Grandad even brought up KITE FLYING!)

....being able to make smiley faces when blogger won't let me upload a photo.  LOL!!

Fairy Words for Today

There were times we feared we'd never survive an experience. Perhaps we still struggle with fears about new experiences. But every experience adds a necessary thread to the pattern our life is weaving. We have the gift of reflection. We can understand, today, the importance of particular events of the past. Next month, next year, we'll understand today.

I shall enjoy the richness of today. My life is weaving an intricate, necessary pattern that is uniquely mine.

Oh look......a chicken!!!!!

(And lemme tell ya....those little obscure, outta the way places--T.H.E. BEST chicken on the planet!!  Yup, marked it on the map.  And $14 for the two of us.  OMG....gold mine!!)

TFTD

Coping with Families  

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis. 

 There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.  The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including professionals. 

Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.  

Help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.

Poor Mr. Robin :-(

QOTW

Without going to look, name ten red things and where they can be found in your home.



Well, here's an exercise for the brain, all things considered!  Darn it that I put all the Valentine's decorations away.  I should count all the decorations and call it good.  LOLOL
Right.....(I might need more coffee!)

There's a red skirt hanging in my closet.
(this isn't as easy as it probably should be--I seriously need more coffee....and not just to have a peek!)
There's a wooden boat on the shelf in the living room with a red bottom.
The stained glass window has red glass in the lighthouse.
There's a red chalk marker in the holder by the chalkboard.
In the kitchen there's a red coffee mug hanging under the cupboard.
OH!!  There's a Santa Fe 'war bonnet' train in the display cabinet--definitely red!
(Seriously.......I know I'm going to get up and see all sorts of red things after the fact!)
There are three pictures on the wall of the study with red mats
There's a red duckie on the shelf inside the shower.  :-)
My thesarus has a red cover--it's in the study on the bookshelf!  (LOL  I oughta get points for remembering that one!)  The dictionary cover is blue, btw.....or is it the other way around....uh oh...  Either way--counts!

k......  (seriously--this isn't as easy as it might seem.....or maybe it's just the need for more coffee....LOL)

AND--(there's a huge pause while I rack my brain......)  There are red flowers in the tin heart that's over the front entry door.

PRETTY sure all things RED are going to pop out at me as I now get another cuppa coffee.

This Morning's Reading

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.

--Marcus Aurelius

Anger shatters our calm. Some of us show it in loud bursts; others just quietly stew. Sometimes we feel angry inside but we still want to look kind and unperturbed, so our anger comes out sideways, hurting someone indirectly or in sneaky ways. We all have felt the pangs of regret after we said or did something in anger. We wish we could magically turn back the clock and undo the moment, gather up the pieces, and put them back together again.

No one can simply banish the basic human emotion of anger from his life. To be responsible, we must accept our anger. It arises from within us and handling it is our own responsibility, even when we are perfectly justified in feeling angry. We choose our way to express it. It is never responsible to say, "You made me angry, so it's your fault that I blew up."

After accepting our anger we strive to develop a space between the feeling and our actions. We learn to notice our feelings before they reach the explosion point. In that mental space we choose how to express them.

A Deep Breath

Another Fairy Reminder

Dear God,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

--Children's Letters to God

Sometimes we look around, assess the situation, and decide what we think we need. So we go to God and begin praying.

Out of the blue, our prayers get answered. But the answer isn't what we requested. We were so specific, we think. Now, this – this thing – has come along. We didn't get what we asked for. Our prayers were answered, but we got something else.

Don't get bitter or so involved with feeling blue about not getting what you requested that you miss out on what you did receive. Wants and needs are closely connected. And all our needs, even the ones we're not completely aware of yet, will be met. Be grateful that God knows more about what we need than we do.

Sometimes when we pray, we get what we want. Sometimes we get what we need. Accept both answers – the yes's and the something else's – with heartfelt gratitude. Then look around and see what your lesson and gift is.

Okay...where'd ya bury spring?!

Void...

I'm not angry.
I think I'm HORRIBLY sad, but I'm not certain...I'm kinda in that "void of feeling" spot.  So maybe I'm angry and since nothing's on the feeling radar it's just one more feeling that'll rear its ugly head later?  I don't know.  Seems everyone around me is angry...'cept for he-who's-finally-breathing.  He says he's relieved ... for a host of reasons, more will be revealed I'm sure.
But it's decided.   I'll be working at the central office.  I'll be working with data and standards and compliance and writing grants and contracts and fun stuff like that.

Bit 'geeky' of me to like that stuff...and I am anal about those things.  I'm also good at data and standards and compliance and writing for contracts because of that 'anal-ness'.
It'll be an adventure.  And I'm a 'deep end of the pool swimmer'.  I'm going to like the learning curve.
I was pulled off the jobsite for 3 months to help write for a contract before.
That was temporary.

This isn't.

I guess I do think 'like an administrator'.  At the back end of this, I can agree and understand the decision.  You can't be a consistent leader when you've been limited (in one way or another) in your attendance/participation in the past year and a half.  15 straight months I've not been 'fully present' as a leader....and 8 out of those 15 months I wasn't even physically present....at all.  I still haven't returned to full duties.  And now there's the question of how this continued pain will interfere.
Frankly, the staff and the students need (and deserve) for that to be different.
I can't give them different, much as I would love to.

Is it 'fair' this was the decision....I mean, I didn't ask for the fine mess the past 15 months turned in to.
Is it 'fair' to keep giving limited leadership just cuz everyone knows me and cares about me?
No.  Neither is 'fair'.

I'm not angry.  I'm pretty much void of feeling.
But I AM grateful.
I get to remain in the agency, and I get to be of service in a weird sorta way...a new adventure isn't a bad thing.

At some point that void of feeling bit will change.  I'll hope it comes in bits and pieces and not in a deluge.....

Daily Reading from the Fairy

There's one thing you can't give away. You can't give away a smile. It always comes back to you.

--Violet Hensley

We have had years of experience with the results of smiling. How many times have we felt better simply because we smiled, even at a stranger? Smiling is somewhat like yawning. When we see someone do it, it initiates one in us, too. But how often are we the initiators of a smile when we catch the attention of someone? Seldom. And what a shame.

As kids we probably heard that it took more muscles to frown than to smile. We usually were told that in the midst of pouting and the message agitated us. Whether or not it's a truth based on research doesn't really matter. Smiling simply feels good. It inspires the same good feelings in others, too.

Life could be simpler than we choose to make it. We really don't have to assess every situation before determining what expression we'll wear. We need not search for a hidden meaning in every action or expression of the others we're with. We can awake each day, decide that we'll respond to our experiences and the people in them with respect and friendliness, and put on a smile, just like we put on lipstick or a cap when it's chilly out. Some of life's decisions are simple. Let's relish them.

The Reading for Today

Every day is a different day. You never know what it will bring. That's the exciting thing about getting up every morning.

--Alpha English

No doubt we have all hit spells when we didn't feel the urge to get the day going. Pulling the covers up around us seemed far more inviting. There's nothing wrong with occasionally resisting the next twenty-four hours. We do need variety in our lives. Even a healthy, fun routine is still a routine. Shaking it up is good for us. But if we make a habit of avoiding whatever plans we've made, we need to take an inventory of our feelings. Depression isn't foreign to most of us. Chronic depression needs to be addressed, however.

If we begin to feel blue about our lives, let's make sure we are expressing our feelings to a friend. Generally, there is a simple solution. Maybe we have forgotten to pray and meditate regularly. Perhaps we have become self-absorbed. Being appreciative of others generally changes how we see every aspect of our lives. Recounting with a confidant or in a journal all the blessings and achievements we've accumulated over these many decades often pushes us out of the doldrums.

Let's remember that most days surprised us with their outcomes. We never got exactly what we expected. This is one certainty about life that we can always count on.

Another dam shot

Things that make me happy....

....being able to walk onto the dam's platform

....hugs from he-who-loves-me

....brilliant blue skies

....sitting next to the old farts at the meetings

....herds of robins flitting around

....knowing we're that much closer to putting out the patio swing

....knowing people really are caring about me

Daily Reading

Aging is not easy, but what's our alternative? - Helen Casey  

The kind of attitude we developed over our lives determined how we saw every detail of each experience. Even now our attitude holds us hostage. The misunderstanding that many of us have is that we think we can't really change how we see our world. Nothing is further from the truth. We can make a large or small shift in our perceptions instantly. The outcome is that everything about our lives changes from that moment forward. Thus, how we perceive the aging process is controlled by our willingness to look at it again.  

Helen has aged gracefully. At 86, she still finds time for making new friends, three bridge clubs a week, daily mass and frequent communication with her children and relatives. She carries a positive, hopeful attitude with her wherever she goes, which inspires others, young and old.  It wouldn't appear that aging has been hard on Helen. But the truth of the matter is that she has suffered many losses. What she has managed to hold onto, though, is her faith in God and her willingness to see every "glass as half full."  

How lucky we are that we can "tinker" with our attitude for as long as we're alive, and if we aren't completely happy, we have work to do. As Helen says, there is no alternative to aging, except death. What happens now is up to us.  

I am only as old as I decide to feel today.

yup...still white....

And suddenly I have cataracts?!

....and the answer is---
Ya know, I was starting to think I was growing cataracts in my eyeballs.  When the "STOP" signs become unreadable blobs of red.....when you magnify the screen so you can read but glance up to discover a blurry world for better than an hour cuz your eyeballs just won't adjust...oy....small wonder you think you're wayyyy past eye exam time!!  (Which I am cuz that's how all this dumb broken-ness started, with an appointment to get my vision exam done!)

I have amazing people looking out for me...from the physical therapist who challenged me yesterday about using my cane to keep balanced, to the nurse who asked about other symptoms which included the sudden growth of cataracts in the past week (not really...LOL), to the pharmacist who told me to call the doctor because it's an obvious side effect of the meds, to the nurse who talked to me before lining me up with the resident doc (cuz my doc was in surgery....cuz that's what he does REALLY well) who listened to me when I agreed but was concerned....that's a whole lotta people putting their heads together to FIX the sudden problem without compromising my overall wellbeing (which, frankly isn't that well!).

I think we have a workable solution....if it works.  We backed off the med that HAS diminished the pain some AND we add another medication to help make up the difference.  Even if it doesn't work, even if means we tried but the only option is to move on to something entirely different, I'll know I really DO have a phenomenal group of people who really are working FOR me.

Boy, did I need that to be the case today.

TFTD

A terrace nine stories high begins with a pile of earth.

--Lao-tzu

Imagine yourself with a pile of dirt in front of you and building plans for a one-story structure. It would be easy to think, "Oh, this is impossible - it will never get done."

But the architect hires people to help. A foundation is built, and then the frame. From there, step by step, the rest is filled in. We have all watched a building take shape and become a finished product.

Building plans are like the goals we all have. We want to be a better person or friend, a better artist or athlete. Reaching a goal is like putting up a building. Once we have a goal, we need a strong foundation to support us. All of us need the help of others to reach our goals.

...for the record....

There's something kinda comforting when he-who-was-upside-down-all-day says "The house doesn't matter, where we live doesn't matter, what matters is you and me."  He's right, of course.

And for the record, I went to physical therapy....even though I didn't want to.
And I did my exercises at their gym afterwards....even though I didn't want to.
And I put my resume and cover letter together today....even though I didn't want to.
And I called the doc about my blurred vision probably caused by my medication...even though I didn't want to.
And I called the nurse assigned to me to tell her about yesterday's meeting...even though I didn't want to.
And I went to the meeting tonight....even though I didn't want to.
And I'm using Mighty Max on my glass shards as I type...even though I didn't want to.

Yup....every single one of those things that I did even though I didn't want to .... has turned out for the good......'cept for Mighty Max who still feels like bunches of bee stings.
6 outta 7 ain't bad odds!!!!

Still delivering Winter

okay........ deep breath and row.....

Yesterday did not go well.  There's a gross understatement...

I'd suppose that G-d has something really awesome in the works for me--it just doesn't feel like it right now.  I know enough to 'keep rowing' while I pray.  I have some issues with rowing right now that I'm going to have to get past.
Everything and everyone in this household is upside down right now.
I'm going to hope it's less so after a night's sleep.  Dunno that'll be true.
I'm still going to hope.  We can't stay there.  I can't stay there.

The good news is I'm not unemployed yet.
The sad news is I'm no longer going to manage what I came here to build from the ground up.
There's anger in this mix, but mostly I'm sad and scared.
I don't do fear well.

I know...'pray and keep rowing'.

Today's Reading

Say when it's time to stop coping.

In her book Recovering from the Loss of a Child, author Katherine Fair Donnelly writ

es of a man whose infant daughter, Robyn, dies from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). The child had died in the stroller, while the mother was out walking her. The father had stopped to get a haircut that day and was given a number for his turn.

"It was something he never did again in future years," Donnelly wrote. "He would never take a number at the barber's and always came home first to make sure everything was all right. Then he would go and get a haircut. It became one of the ways he found of coping."

I hate coping. It's not living. It's not being free. It reeks of surviving.

But sometimes it's the best we can do, for a while.

Eight years after my son dies, I was signing the papers to purchase a home. It was the first home I had bought since his death. The night before he dies, I had also signed papers to buy a new home. I didn't know that I had begun to associate buying a home with his death, until I noticed my hand trembling and my heart pounding as I finished signing the purchase agreement. For eight years, I had simply avoiding buying a home, renting one less-than-desirable place after another and complaining about the travails of being a renter. I only knew then that I was "never going to buy another house again." I didn't understand that I was coping.

Many of us find ways of coping. As children, we may have become very angry with our parents. Having no recourse, we may have said to ourselves, "I'll show the, I'm never going to do well at music, or sports, or studies again." As adults, we may deal with a loss, or death, by saying, "I'm always going to be nice to people and make them happy. Then they won't go away." Or we may deal with a betrayal by saying, "I'm never going to open my heart to a woman, or man, again."

Coping often includes making an incorrect connection between an event and our behavior. It may help us survive., but at some point our coping behaviors usually get in our way. They become habits and take on a life of their own. And although we think we're protecting ourselves or someone we love, we aren't.

Robyn didn't die because her father took a number and waited to get his hair cut.

My son didn't die because I brought a new house.

Are you keeping yourself from dong something that you really want to do as a means of coping with something that happened to you a long time ago? Cope if you must, if it helps save your life. But maybe today is the day you could set yourself free.

Who ordered more of this fluffy stuff?

Fairy Wisdom for the Day

Our awesome responsibility to ourselves, to our children, and to the future is to create ourselves in the image of goodness, because the future depends on the nobility of our imaginings.

--Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

The world we live in depends on the responsible contributions each of us makes. And this world is just as good as are the many talents we commit ourselves to developing and offering. None of us is without obligation to offer our best to our family, friends, or strangers, if our hope is to live in a good world. The world can only be as good as each of us makes it.

Individually and collectively our power to mold the outer circumstances of our lives is profound. Our personal responses to one another and our reactions to events that touch us combine with the actions of others to create a changed environment that affects us. No action, no thought goes unnoticed, unfelt, in this interdependent system of humanity. We share this universe. We are the force behind all that the universe offers.

Whether I acknowledge the depth of my contribution is irrelevant. It is still profound and making an impact every moment and eternally.