Denial

I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and near smothered me.

Coming out from under that blanket has been a process.
Sometimes a slow and painful one.
Sometimes I still whip that cover over my head--because it's safe and warm under that blanket, at least at the beginning.
But I need to remember that blanket near smothered me--
---more than once.

Another TFTD brought to you from the reading fairies.....

We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.
Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.
We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.
Striving for excellence is a positive quality.
Striving for perfection is self-defeating.


DARN reading fairies!
I SWEAR they sneak in and change my readings during the nighttime hours.
"Strive for perfection and accept less"--I can feel the wheels turning!

*gakkkkkkkkk*

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.--Helen Keller

The next 24 hours are guaranteed to excite us, to lift us to new levels of understanding, to move us into situations with others where we can offer our unique contributions. All that is asked of us is a willingness to trust that we will be given just what we need at each moment.

We can dare to live, fully, just for today. We can appreciate the extraordinariness of every breath we take, every challenge we encounter. Within each experience is the invitation for us to grow, to reach out to others in caring ways, to discover more fully the women we are capable of being. We must not let a single moment go by unnoticed.

When we withdraw from life, we stunt our growth. We need involvement with others, involvement that perturbs us, humors us, even stresses us. We tap our internal resources only when we have been pushed to our limits, and our participation in life gifts us, daily, with that push. How necessary the push!

None of us will pass this way again. What we see and feel and say today are gone forever. We have so much to regret when we let things slip away, unnoticed or unappreciated.

A special series of events has been planned for me today. I shall not miss it.

************
I put this up PURELY for 'gakking' purposes.

Oh, for SURE some other chosen moment in time I'll find it enlightening and true.

But.........
Today, I'm wanting to take the reading fairies OUTside, put a finger into their little fairy chest, say the 'f' word multiple times and menace them into NOT putting that gakky crud into my darn readings!
Hmmmmmmmmmmph!!
Okay........I MIGHT need a slight attitude adjustment........LOLOL

Yes, another cuppa coffee......

What can I say--I have a passion for a good cuppa coffee.

And now it's the difference between 'getting my way' and being 'effective'.
I have a list you know--leastwise I appear to be keeping a list of when I get my way and when I don't. And IF I get my way--that's 'being effective'.

Wisepersoninmylife assures me it's still about 'getting my way'.
Goshdarnit, he could be right.

I think I'm having a 'worth and value' moment......or at the very least, 'worth and value' in the worksite equally 'being effective'. If I get MY WAY, I'm 'effective' and 'good at my job'. If I DON'T get my way--I'm ineffective and I SUCK.

Now, in MY brain that makes sense.
Wisepersoninmylife points out that he ASKED G-d to remove my brain last week and apparently G-d's decided to let me run it til the wheels fell off.
Duh...LOL.........apparently!!

Okay, so I didn't get my way with the chief of police. Nor did I get my way with the county attorney. NOR did I get my way with the high school principal, the teacher on the unit, and the juvenile probation officer.
NOR do I 'get' how come I cannot, for the LIFE of me, get the staff to have the same work ethic I have which says 'show up and stay til the job is done.....cuz it's about 25 kiddo's lives'.
Ineffective or wanting my way...........yep......at least at this point I'm thinking it's both. LOL (this way I stay out of conflict with wisepersoninmylife--or so I delude myself into believing!)

He's saying it's about perseverance and sticktoittiveness........that I'm being effective even when I don't GET my way.......it's called planting seeds and doing the footwork.
"Keep doing right things for right motives, regardless of the results."
Uh huh...............I still call it being ineffective.
And I like my plan better.
Take 'em outside, put a finger into their chest, use the 'f' word multiple times and look menacing.

THAT worked!
THAT---was effective!!

I know, I know..........go to the corner!!
LOLOL

The girl's idea of buying pressies.....

So I'm in the midst of making dinner (well, not MAKING dinner but putting the plates out so we can EAT the dinner someone else was kind enough TO make--thankyou'him indoors'!) and the girl rings.

"I can't talk long-- Quick......do you have a pod maker?!"
"Excuse me? Where ARE you?!"

"Do you have a pod maker--c'mon mom........it's a simple question!"
"Where are you, why are you asking--and what's a pod maker?!"

"It makes single cups of coffee..........do you have one?"
"Now WHY would I ever make a 'single' cup of coffee."

"So you wouldn't use one?"
"Have you EVER known me to make a SINGLE cuppa coffee during your lifetime....EVER?"

"Guess that means no, huh............dangit!"
"Where ARE you?!"

"You'd never make a single cup of coffee..............ever?..... What if it made espresso, too?"
"Hmmmm..... Ummmmm....."

"Would you use it THEN?"
"Geeze, I get double shots of espresso in my coffee at Starbucks, it only makes ONE?....Are you in Starbucks?"

"MOM!! IT MAKES TWO IF YOU WANT TWO!!!.....WOULD YOU USE IT THEN?"
"You're yelling........."

"YES........ or no....."
"Ummmmmmmmmmmm..........yes?"

"You'd USE it..honest? You'd use it AND you'd like it?"
"Well, LIKING it's a different thing all together............"

"MOM. Would you use it AND like it?"
".......yes?"

"You would?"
"Yep, I'd use it and I'd love it bunches and lotsa."

"Honest?"
"Honest!! I'd use it and love it and probably burn it OUT from using it so much---that's how much I'd love it!"

"Oh good............cuz I just bought one for your birthday..... I just needed to make sure you'd love to have one."
"ABSOLUTELY without a SHADOW of a doubt! GREAT choice!!"

*chuckling*
She's so funny.........and I am, absolutely, without a SHADOW of a doubt gonna love that darn thing! LOL

QOTW 8/27

What's the last song you listened to?



I'm going to be of the belief that it'll count.

I just listened to the Brit belt out "It's A Long Way To Tipperary"


It's a long way to Tipperary,
It's a long way to go.
It's a long way to Tipperary
To the sweetest girl I know!
Goodbye Piccadilly,
Farewell Leicester Square,
It's a long long way to Tipperary,
But my heart's right there.

I'm thinkin' since it's stuck in my head---IT COUNTS!!
Oy.........

ROFL

Oh come on.......it's FUNNY!

Sisters are silly people who send you GREAT cartoons!

A walk in the park

It's just another Sunday. Mine pretty much are predictable and they start off the same as any day of the week.
Disciplined ME--I've become a creature of habit, of routine.
Sunday's are no different for me--prayer, readings, coffee, meditation....not necessarily in that order! LOL
Sunday I meet with a pigeon, head to a meeting where I meet up with another pigeon--and if G-d doesn't have other plans--drive back home and finish out my Sunday as a woman of leisure. ;-)

Today's routine was no different--'cept I stuck a roast in the crockpot before heading out to do what it is that I do......and I stopped at the park on the way home to have a wander around.
I had to admire the sunflowers and grab some photos of them cuz they were just too darn cool.

And now, I'm waiting on the roast and the Brit.
I had a good time reflecting during that walk.

Three years ago I took a walk with himself in the late morning, trying to stay calm and trying to remember that my only 'job' for the day was to get in the car when himself told me it was time to GET in the car....and to not bolt out of the Judge's chambers, of course......Oh.....and to not be the one TO object when the Honourable Judge asked if there were any objectORs.

I did have to sit down upon entering.
And son of a gun if His Honour didn't offer to do the vows with me sitting down. (probably afraid I wouldn't make it standing up, huh?)
The girl, who braved it and stood up with me, informed me later that she was shaking the whole time--more from fear of what she was suppose to do if I headed for the door or collapsed on the floor in a heap than from anything else. She had no doubt it was one of the best things I'd done in my lifetime for ME. But she doesn't suffer from short term memory loss--she had to threaten me when we'd gone to get the license TO do the deal.

I really DID have to go to the restroom at the county courthouse, btw.
And I didn't come out cuz she piped up "don't MAKE me come in there and get you!"
Sometimes it just takes me a while to figure out those new fangled toilets that flush themselves. One cannot leave the toilet unless one is sure the darn thing has flushed. (that's my story and I'm sticking to it--you don't suppose she'll remember they flushed the old fashioned way, do ya?)

I did manage to pull some clothes on.
I hadn't bothered to pick anything out BEFORE the gala event, dontchaknow.
And I DID manage to get in the car.
And we DID manage to get the deal done.
I'm a married woman because of that.
I'm not sure who I'll blame for that--my intent wasn't to marry the man. I guess I'll blame Immigration. *nodding*
Were it not for the 'rules', I'da been content to live 'in sin'. *rolling eyes*
Obviously G-d laughed at MY plans and made the arrangements WITH Immigration........but better I should blame Immigration. I
KNOW they coulda changed their minds--G-d however......is kinda stubborn about HIS plans.

The walk was good.
The Brit will be home shortwith and we'll have dinner.
He'll probably get weepy. He's sorta like that.......
He'll make me coffee after dinner--forgiving me for deliberately chewing with my mouth opened just to gross him out by showing that ABC food--and it'll all be good.

All joking aside--I truly am graced.
I get to love this fella like I've always wanted TO love.
And he loves me beyond beyond.
He even draws beaches for me so I can put my toes in the sea.
He puts up with me singing off-key cuz I can (you try it.......it's HARD not to hit a single note of a well known song as you're singing along!!) and he doesn't usher me outta the store when I get into squeezing the tummies of all the singing Elmo's I can find.
And he's kinda funny.
And really mushy!

And I even sorta forgive him for being English.
ROFL
G-d bless the man....cuz G-d blessed me a thousand fold.
Loving him has been a walk in the park.

Happy Anniversary to us!

PUSHING it!!!

Okay--so it doesn't look like much.
It looks like a bow with silk leaves on it.

It's a bit more subtle than the photo shows it....not AS bright.... HONEST!!
But this is how it started.

Actually, that's not true.
It started as some silk leaves in a bag and a spool of wired brown/goldish open weaved ribbon.

And then there was that 'E-Z Bow' maker that I'd left in the box for near two years. LOL Good grief, I blush to admit that I was intimidated by an 'E-Z Bow' maker!

*shaking head*
Obviously I braved it.

And NOW it's a four and a half foot bow that's going on both sides of the porch.
I think......

I can pull off putting up 'fall' decorations.
I've managed to get a scarecrow in the study, sunflowers and cattails on the dinner table and a nice fall tablecloth on the table without too much fuss.

I know, I KNOW....... I'm pushing it. *chuckling*

And for as much fuss as himself makes about it all, he's been a real trooper.
I was sitting on the floor with silk leaves and bows and glue.....LOL...and he brought me a cuppa coffee and kissed the top of my head.

I'm thinkin' it's all good!
Even if I AM pushing it.

Any bets on how long I'll wait to put the darn things on the porch?
:-D

Arghhhhhhhhhh

"Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.
We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.
If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music.
We allow people to be who they are.
We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.
And we give ourselves that same freedom.

We live our own lives to the best of our ability.
We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't.
We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing.
If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem.
And we try to live happily-focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that.

We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

Detachment involves .'present moment living"-living in the here and now.
We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.
We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future.
We make the most of each day.

Detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts.
It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.
We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.
We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.
We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts.
We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.
We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can.
So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it.
In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone. "

When you get it in an email from wisepersoninyourlife, all bolded out and LOUD--you supposedly get the message.
IN SPITE of...........not BECAUSE of.
Yeah, yeah.........I get it and I hear it.
It's BOLDED OUT--how could I NOT hear it!

*sigh*
I know, I know.....................detatch.
(trying hard to stiffle that 'but then he WINS' .....LOL)


"DEAR G-d........PLEASE remove her brain."

Uh huh...............
"NOW " woulda been a good thing to add to that little request, huh?

Crap....just........CRAP

Boy I made a self revealing comment talking with wisepersoninmylife.

I'm having a tough, TOUGH time on what to do with the 'twins' deal.
In talking it out loud, which I don't DO a whole lot......which I don't do AT all--'cept if I'm pushed....I heard myself say it. I didn't like what I heard myself say.

Here's a boy/man I've placed limits on, expectations on--a standard of behavior on in order to be 'involved' in my life upclose and personal.
Yep, ring me--let me know how life is going for you.....but I willNOT be a part of the insanity. Will NOT. For whatever reason, I'm just not strong enough to stay sane under those circumstances.
MY deal......some folks are strong enough to make it work and do. For whatever reason, I haven't been able to get there.

While you're still out doing what you're doing--do it over there. It won't come in this house, it won't have access to do wreckage in this home. Go forth and do what you need to do--I won't endorse it, of course.....and I can still love you from over here.
Made sense--honestly, as insane as it became here--as unsafe as it was, it was a matter of protection. It was a matter of keeping sane and remaining responsible to those things I needed to be responsible to, to the folks who relied on me to BE responsible and sane.
And mostly......I needed to be responsible to ME.

And now we're gonna be grandparents.
And they're the innocents.
And I ought to be able to 'act as if' those other circumstances were nonexistant, put them in the past and move on?
*shaking head*

The words were--"He wins."
Wasn't that just a mouthfull?
No matter which way I turn, he's gonna 'win'.
Let the past BE the past--and there's no accountability for his actions, for the wreckage he created......he 'wins'.
Stay firm in the expectations at the cost of the innocents--I'm still the evil witch that he'll NEVER be 'good enough' for and there's no accountability for his actions, for the wreckage created.....he 'wins'.

It's lose/lose.
Not actively having him IN my life--lose.
Having him in my life without that recognition/accountability---lose.
Being unyielding---lose.
Yielding---lose.

The girl informed me that I would be getting an invitation to a babyshower. The boy asked if I should be sent one and her response was "why WOULDN'T ya?".
It's set for my birthday.
There's plans for that day already made.
I don't know where my feet oughta land....it's about babies who didn't ask to be a part of the conflictual stuff.
It's not about me and him.....and it's all about me and him.

Surrender and ask G-d's will for me.
Better to love than to BE loved......
So the answer is to shut up, let go and show up?

I hate that I said "He wins."
It's a powerstruggle of some sort--one I'm going to have to acknowledge the unresolved resentments involved that I THOUGHT I'd let go of.

Is he still using?
Yep.
Is he still drinking?
Yep.

Has he cleaned up his wreckage?
Not here......indulged in self pity, yes..taken a look at what he was responsible for and damage done......no.
Is that more important than the lives of two innocents?
Is that essential FOR the lives of the two innocents?

I'm so freaking mad at myself for putting myself here.
I DID place myself here.....and there's not a freaking thing about that fact that I'm proud of.

Win.......lose..........
We're both losing now. Only ---I'm safe and sane.

Make that "I'm safe."
Cuz insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results.
Appears I'm doing 'insanity' with the boy.........again.............
Sure FEELS familiar........

CRAP.
Crap, crap, crap......

From a full head to a full heart

Thirty seconds in the car park, five minutes of patio time, a tall glass of cranberry juice with 7-Up swirledd into it--and one butterfly later....it's ALL good.

Okay--so it was a hectic day.
When it's filled with educational meetings, signing up 22 kiddos for school, and dealing with teachers who are more than a bit ignorant of the lives of those 12 kiddos I'll be intrusting them with for the upcoming school year at the public school-- When you add to that the phone calls with Juvenile Court Officers, Judges, Social Workers, an attorney or two, and a parent or six....and add to THAT several 'trouble shooting' phone calls, a broken refidgerator, a host of referrals to read for kiddos waiting to come into the program and assorted staff issues.....
Oy...your head's full by the time you get out of there--two hours late.

All it took was one butterfly on the patio.
Oh, and one kiddo with a full scale IQ of 57 happily clutching her school schedule with every bragging right that she GETS to go to public school for the first time in three years.

It IS the simple things.
I was clear that my day was 'worth it' before the butterfly visited....she was just the bonus, dontchaknow.

QOTW 8/20

What area(s) are you the most critical about youself?

Problem!! Most folks find my inventory taking to be 'critisizing' me. I don't look at it that way.
My defects of character aren't tied in to my worth and value.
I know that's incredible to believe. LOL Trust me when I say-- that's not me dismissing my defects as 'unimportant'.
To the contrary.....I know that my defects are all mine. I also know that they're serving a usefullness as IS today, elsewise they would have been surrendered by me and plucked.
The're still 'mine' because there's some usefullness.....even if they're not comfy.
That probably makes sense to only me.

So if I have to pick the areas I'm most critical in when it comes to me, I'd have to slice at the pride and ego 'stuff' that I still get into.
I'm most critical of them because, while there might be SOME usefullness to them, I still think they get in the way of being of maximum benifit to G-d and others.

It matters to me how it looks, still.....which freaking pisses me off--but obviously not enough to surrender it, huh?
It still carries weight with me. If folks perceive me as pompous--odds are that they're not going to see me as very useful in their lives.

Matters of pride and ego STILL crank my noodle and I can get really, really critical of me when I get out of the situation and see how they came into play.
Darnit that I'm still not that adept at seeing them while it's all playing out.
*sigh*

Perhaps I oughta say my biggest criticizing 'thing' about ME is that aim for perfection......and accepting less.
Obviously I suck at it.

ROFL
SEE!!!?!?!!!

72 days and counting!!

It's official--I have FREED Studley!
:-)
Yep--only took a small chunk of whining about poooooor Studley being cramped in a box for near a year, needing to stretch out those poor wrinkled spidery legs...
*snickering*
WORKED!!

I was gonna free him in the livingroom....
Himself tried to sound irritated when he suggested the basement instead, so Studley would have more room, dontchaknow!
BRILLIANT idea! And I know he REALLY wasn't irritated--he loves Studley!!
Not to mention Studley is forever grateful.

Dunno why the Brit hung his head and shook it this morning when I pulled him downstairs to inspect a strand of broken lights from last Halloween......I mean, it's not like I have ALL the tubs and boxes out. But that ONE box was on top of the box that held Studley, so I had no other recourse BUT to bring it out.

:-)
It's a darn good thing the fella loves me beyond recognition--even with all my quirkinesses, huh?
Studley is happy.
AND the Brit fixed that broken strand of lights, too.
'Course, I needed to hang 'em up and leave 'em lit JUST to make sure they were well and truly fixed........
Besides....Studley's afraid of the dark dontchaknow.......and it gets dang dark in that basement.
:-D

Black--no sugar, thankyou.

I was pretty convinced, onceuponatime, that I knew what was best for me (and what was best for the rest of the world, come to think of it...). And I was equally certain that what I believed was BEST was the sure-fire guarantee for happiness.

And then some wisepersoninmylife suggested I oughta give a look at times in the past when my wishes didn't come true--fortunately.

Let me count my blessings even though they're too numerous to count.
I'm so graced that I didn't get what I thought was 'best' for Mel.

I'm equally glad for that fella who told me to 'get off the dime and outta the dessert'.
Not that I liked being told it.
Wisepersoninmylife was telling me to 'run it til the wheels fall off' and there was that kindly fella who was nice enough to point out they'd fallen off and I STILL wasn't moving. (I'm prone to do that on occasion--deny reality and sit and spin. Ain't 'fun', but I can do it just the same......) 'Get off the dime and out of the dessert.'
I was getting pretty thirsty--it was a wise thing to say.

I need to keep ever mindful of what works.
And what doesn't work.
I can convince myself that I well and truly know what's good for Mel.
I've been known to tell myself that in my 'wellness' I've developed the ability TO know what's best for Mel....that was then this is now--so pfffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt!!!!!
*rolling eyes*

I'm better off with my hands out of that till.
Always have been..........I don't know why I'd even BOTHER to suggest to myself that suddenly I've become all seeing, all knowing and infinitely wise enough TO know what's best for Mel.
Plllllleeeasssssseeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gak*

It's better that I understand that the wisdom is in knowing that I don't know.

And in remembering how many of my wishes didn't come true---thank G-d.

Mineminemine--- ALL MINE!!

Yeah, yeah......I'm a selfish poopus once in a while. And I gotta tell ya--it wasn't the easiest day at work, so coming home to a grinning Brit kinda made my day in and of itself.
And when he invited me to go into the study--that's all I could say.
I think I sounded like those seagulls in Nemo "Mine mine mine!!"
Cuz I pulled up the rocker and had a good look around.
MINE......mineminemine ALL mine!!
Yep--the whole room is all about New York Central Trains.
And that's the line I picked for MINE!

He's got some of everyone, I swear! Well, at least it FEELS like he's got some of every line there is. (I know that's not even close to the truth.....it just feels that way and it makes him super easy to buy ANYthing for cuz he'll love it if it's about a train.)

I simply bought a poster to go in the study cuz it was cool......years ago.
I've kept at it and I've got quite the collection going.
Mineminemine!!
LOL

Yep--and this is the little train that himself bought me for my birthday last year. Now it's sitting on the shelf that we looked for forEVER.
FINALLY put up!
YIPPEE!!!

And it's mineminemineallMINE!
LOL
I'm a brat and I know it.

I'm a LOVED brat.
And I have a TRAIN on my wall!!
How cool is THAT?!

The Conscious Choice

It's that time of year.
Might be because someone, in another place, posted about that trepidation when the push is coming to shove and the handwriting is on the wall.

Boy, we've had a journey and a half to get here.
And we're still not done journeying--part of me hopes we never DO get done journeying....another part wishes there could be an 'e-d' at the end of it....that we could claim we'd journey-ed.

We don't get to. I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

And we signed up for this.....with opened eyes, with opened hearts, with a clear choice.
At any given time this whole thing could have been stopped.
Truth be told, it could still be stopped today.
We're in that final 'removal of conditions' with immigration. It's meant to prove the relationship has sustained itself--that he wasn't some schlepp who married an American to gain access to this 'land of opportunity'. *rolling eyes*

Every time we get to deal in immigration there's always that statement by himself, that opened door for stepping away from the responsibilities we signed up for with each other.

Every freaking time--like clockwork.

This time hasn't been any different.
This time he commented "I knew we were going to grow old together--I just didn't think it would be this quickly."
I snickered--"Watch who you're calling OLD buster!"

Wrong moment in time to snicker....go figure......
And true to his neurotic nature--he made the offer...ONE MORE TIME.

"Oh no you don't....you're stuck with me."
He had to assure me that he was serious, which I knew he was when I said it.

Nope.
I've not changed my mind.
I'm not GOING to change my mind.

He's STUCK.

We got the letter from immigration that extended his 'conditional approval' while they plod through our proof (ONE MORE TIME) of the relationship so they can remove the conditions and we can go about our merry way.

We stuck it in the same little drawer that we've kept all our 'official' documentation from immigration.
There's quite a few in that drawer. They're separate from all of our other legal documents.

I couldn't help it.
When I slipped it in there I had to say to myself "ALL THOSE CHANCES!!!"

Darn straight!
And every time...... I chose THIS.

T minus 29 days---

Meeting was gone to, lawn has been mowed, laundry done--dinner is even ready for the cooking.
And I had time on my hands to kill.
Which means Mel finds a way to entertain herself. LOL

Warning, warning!!
No worries--it was pretty harmless this afternoon.
I was GONNA make Holiday cards--but decided I'd be a tad early.
And since it's less than 80 days til Halloween (YEAH!!!!!!!!), and I had leftover 'stuff'...I figured it would be kinda fun.

Well, that and I figured it was a way to break it to the Brit gently that HALLOWEEN'S COMING!! WOOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

He figured it out. LOL
And I had great fun.
And I'm liking the cards LOTS.
Which means I might have five cards AFTER Halloween.
*snickering*

Hey...........I still have leftovers and there's an off chance that I might need to entertain myself again in the next 29 days.
Yeah, yeah............I know it's MORE than 29 days til Halloween.
But the 'rule' around this place is 'no decorating for Halloween until after honouring 9/11'.

29 days til I can bring the Halloween boxes out of hiding!!
Woooooooohoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
There's ONLY six tubs, mind you. :-D

QOTW August 13

Have you ever stolen something? What was it, and why?

<---there's a question mark trying to come out of the box--it would be fitting if it actually WORKED!

I have quite the thieving career. I don't remember the first thing I stole, but I sure remember the first time I was caught. It was candy and boy was my dad pissed.
I'd suppose it was a case of "I see, I want, I take!".

It all went downhill from there.
Money from purses, nightstands and boxes that collector's coins were tossed into. Clothing, make-up, jewelry--'pretty things' that I didn't want to/nor had the means to pay for. And booze...lots of booze and pills from wherever I could find them, whenever I could find them. And I'd deny it every freaking time......liar, thief and cheat, yep.....

Should I count the nights of sleep that I stole from people who cared about me as well? The peace and serenity and sanity when I drug them into the insanities of my addictions and piss poor decision making? Probably.....
I stole the darnedest things--things I didn't need, things I could pawn, things that I'd never use, things no one would buy or even want.
I got better at it and went forever without getting caught redhanded. And if I was 'suspect', deny, deny, deny.

Oh.....and-- I won't forget to include the police car that I stole and disassembled and used for furniture and 'disco lighting' when I was at the peak of my 'using career'. (yes, I paid for that---literally made payments to the city for over ten years--police cars ARE expensive, just so ya know!) OR all the street signs and various other 'decorations' I claimed without the permission of the railroads or street departments. Uh huh.......they got returned/paid for and confessed to.
*shaking head at my own stupidity*

And today?
Oy geeze.......I still steal. :-O
Yes, I know that's shocking....it's still the truth.
Yep......pens mostly--which I haul back to the place of thieving and return, much to the amusement of waitresses, store clerks and receptionists.
A few times a year I collect all of the great pens that I make off with from the worksite and humbly return my 'stash'. LOL
Once a thief always a thief?
Probably......LOL
And I always deny having stolen someone's pen, mind you, even with it in my hot little hands.

*hanging head*
And I steal from the Brit ALL THE TIME.
From his dinner plate (why is it food always tastes better from HIS plate?!), from his candy jar that I fill up with sweeties that I don't even LIKE! LOL
I oughta be spanked, huh? ;-)

Still plays with trains

Yes, this IS a pie. Apple custard, if you must know. There's half a pie left--I suspect it'll be eaten/ate/consumed...LOL.... for breakfast.
WITH cream, I'm sure. It'll 'qualify' as a breakfast food SOMEhow.
And this is a mighty long train, complete with a dozen ore cars and a caboose. I'm told none of it is 'correct'--Santa Fe and Cotton Belt engines wouldn't be hauling together.
I don't care.
It's still a mighty long train and it made all sorts of racket going around the layout. It was just plain cool. He got over that they didn't 'belong' together.......eventually.......
(Oh. Please note the tressle bridge in the back that took the Brit three weekends to scratch build.......that took us one pass with a HUGE train to knock the railings off of. LOL Darn that we didn't remember how HUGE that Union Pacific Challenger was!)
And THIS--is our anniversary pressie to ourselves.
G'head and laugh if you must. We still play with trains and we don't care who knows it. ;-)
We started a tradition three years ago and it's all good.
This little fella is just cuter than a bug's ear AND he puffs smoke as he goes along. Oh my gosh does he chug and puff--he's just too darn cute. And this is a part of the 'yard'.
Now, we've already added to the yard and I'm told, during yesterday's 'still plays with trains' time, that we're going to 'add a bit' to the yard. LOL We haven't even come close to finishing up what we've already built--but we're adding!
We had twenty some locos up and running yesterday--and they were visited by six trains that got boxed up and brought so they could come 'play' with our trains.

Gotta tell ya--even with the scenery lacking (winter IS coming!!) it was great fun to watch two fella's running several locos at once, blowing whistles and making the basement all smokey. We did give it time for the smoke to clear out while we had a barbeque--and then it was back to chugging and smoking and clickety-clacking.

They were just plain HAPPY, dangit.
The fellas were laughing and near wrecking and having a gay ol' time.
And I could tell the trains were happy--they were tooting and whistling and clanging and chugging their little hearts out.

Dunno why the Brit decided that was the bestest time to tell me we needed a bigger yard for the trains. It's not like I've ever said 'no' .......

We must have a bazillion boxcars to go with those goodness knows how many locomotives-- and I love 'em all cuz they're so darn cute.

We DO need a bigger trainyard. LOL
I coulda told him THAT! ;-)

A lesson from the bug.........

It's a bug with a lesson for me.

It's an eight year journey. Eight YEARS.

And it's the sound of summer.
When I hear that cicada singing to me, I know......
There's an adventure going on in our front yard.
The cicada's are back!! The cicada's are back!!!
Okay..........so probably not a whole lot of folks get too excited about having singing bugs in their yard.
Count me in as an odd duck.
I wait to hear those little bugs.
Okay, so they're not little....LOL And they're not the world's most attractive bug.
But they sure do sing wonderfully.
And I think they sing for me. (I would.....LOL I think nearly EVERYthing is about MEMEME!!)

Ya know.....it takes those ugly bugs eight YEARS to leave their home in the ground to cling to that tree, make that climb, bust out of their shells and sing to me. The good news is they all don't make the journey on that sole eight year cycle--though some cicada's only make the one journey every 13-17 years without sticking their heads out, period. They're a "see ya in another 13-17 years" kinda bug. I'd miss summer if ours didn't bother to take turns on when they peeked out. Regardless, it's still eight years for one of them to pop out their holes to make that summer song.
I'll give 'em that they sing pretty....and pretty loud.
I'll also give 'em that they persevere well, that they know the plan for their lifetime (make that 30-40 days for the fellas, less for the girlies who die after laying eggs--poor things....). No one points them in the general direction of the tree--but they manage to find the darn thing. And climb they do.......steadily.
Sometimes past the empty shells of the fella/gal that emerged from their shell the night before. Steady Eddies, they are.....................determined and clear on their purpose.
They bust out and find their wings.
They get to finally fly to the top of the trees......and they sing.

And they keep singing through it all.

Every night.
Rain.
Heat.
Wind.
Storms.....

They sing.

Hard to believe I see a grand story in the life of a bug, huh?
Still...... I do.

It makes me smile even more when the chorus begins.
It gives me appreciation for the 'plan' in my life.

It's unfolding.....rain or shine, during the calm and during the storm.
I just need to remember to sing, eh?
A LOT.
Always.....

Even if it IS loud and off-key.
I'm gonna sing!

QOTW 8/10

Name two of your biggest fears.

Boy..........there's a few to choose from.

TWO??

Well, one would be that I'll forget my 'job' in all this, that I'll let the circumstances and day to day 'noise' get my attention and I'll stray from what my 'job' is. HEAVEN forbid. I think it's good that I fear that, it keeps me on my toes.

Another--obviously, is that fear of letting things LOOK how they are. I'm guessing that pride and ego have a bit to do with that. LOL (duh) There's a fear of losing an identity that I've been 'comfy' with for a whole lot of 24 hours.
Well, actually, it's a whole LOT of things mooshed into one. Control is in there. (go figure) Other people's opinion of me is in there--yes, I know other people's opinions of me are NONE of my business, thanksforremindingme!
I'd look gakky.
What's so bad about looking gakky?
Therein lies all the fears.

Stupid questions.......LOL

I shoulda just answered June bugs and running out of coffee! ;-P

Pride and ego

My morning started at 5:45am--no, I didn't go into work that early........but I did get in a car. I was making a journey to a vet (as in animal) hospital with a gal I've known for 20 years. Her vet had diagnosed her kitty of 14 years with possible lymphoma on Saturday--today was the earliest the specialist kitty doctor could see the gal.

It's good news for the kitty. They ruled out lymphoma and they're working to decide what it IS--but they're convinced that whatever IT is, it'll be more treatable and the kitty will be 'okay'.

We put the poor kitty through a battery of tests and returned home by 9:15 this evening.
Yes, it's been a long day.

And can I point out that I'm not that darn fond of cats.
I believe that's because they're too much LIKE me--a bit arrogant and haughty appearing, always 'meaning' to do whatever they do (they lie JUST like me......LOL) and extremely independent.
Geeze, I AM a cat by that criteria!

I took the day from work to simply be the support system.
And on the way back the gal's calling her family to let them know how the kitty's doing. (they're a very close family who obviously know how important her kitty is to her)

I get passed the phone to talk with the gal's mom who's choked up and weepy-- and thanking me for making the trip with her daughter so she wouldn't have to do it alone.

I HAD to make a joke about not wanting to miss that cat get a rectal exam--cuz I simply couldn't say 'it matters to me cuz I know how important the kitty is in your daughter's life...I know how tough it is to wait and consider the ins and outs of losing someone or some creature of G-d's that you love'.
Nope............couldn't say it.......even though that's why I went.
REFUSED to let that come from my mouth.

*sigh*
I can FEEL it in my heart.
I just refuse........REFUSED to let it look how it was.

I'm never gonna get 'okay' with just letting it look how it is........
Pride and ego, pride and ego, pride and ego.
*sigh*

Green Acres....

Green acres is the place to be. Farm living is the life for me.
Land spreading out so far and wide.
Keep Manhattan just gimme that countryside.
New York is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic smellling hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Darlin' I love you but gimme Park Avenue.
The chores!
The stores!!!
Fresh air!!
Time's Square!!!!
You are my wife.
GOODBYE city life!!
Green Acres we are here!!

Gotta wonder sometimes just how true that must be for the Brit, in our ever popular role reversal that we have going on here.
Oh, it's not that we didn't enjoy ourselves being in the 'big city'.......cuz we did.
But when it was all said and done and the end of the day drifted around--we were still sitting in the lawnchairs(albeit by the hotel pool), gazing at the sunset, waiting for those first stars to find us.

LOL
Ya know--he IS allergic to hay.
AND corn, come to think of it.
AND he packed up his whole life to live in 'the corn state'.

Ah.......but Green Acres IS the place to be!

His versus mine.....

Yep--this would be his idea of a 'cool' model thingy.
And then there's mine.....
And his and mine--cuz this WAS cool!
And mine..... Wahhhhhrrrrrr..I'm a DRAGON!! LOL
And mine again! (you'da THOUGHT he woulda loved the train, huh?...)
And, of course......mine! LOL Cuz this one was cuter than a bug's ear!!

Now, if you're wanting to see models of weird British armoured vehicles, I'll have to ask him for one of the LORD knows just how many photos he took!!
MINE are cuter, thanksverymuch.
:-D