Inventory 101

See this.
It's my beloved Fears Inventory.

I have three copies of this, blank, ready to be written on.......... Ummmmmm........

JUST as soon as I finish the other one that's required.





Now, this one--I have five pages filled out already. I have five blank ones ready to go. AND I just printed out six more pages to fill out.


WHY--I don't know. EVEN the resentments come back to some FEAR that I'm not recognizing.........or wanting to deal up front with.




Oy--it's ALL about fear.

And NO!!!!!! I'm NOT making more copies of the fear pages!
You CAN'T MAKE ME! Pfffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!! :-P

*crossing arms and pouting*
Mel's having a tantrum! Mel's having a tantrum! LOL

:-)

QOTW 1/30

Oh what the hey--why not! It's the girls' fault--she sent me to her blog to answer the question. Apparently she anticipated some lengthy, deeply philosophical answer. HA! Fooled HER!

**Is life enhanced by thinking that death could strike you at any time? Or by not thinking about death at all?**

Yes. LOL

Actually, I've been on both sides of the coin.
The ever-present knowledge that all you truly have IS the day you're in, without allowing it to become 'the obsession of the day' to waste the day on, probably is that middle ground I need to keep.

Frankly, when your hair's laying on the pillow and your head's not, when you're told to get your affairs in order multiple times--you learn a thing or two about staying in the day and being grateful for what IS.

For sure, it's been a good four years since I've had a 'bad hair day'!
;-)

I Am Fear.

I am Fear.

I am the menace that lurks in the paths of life, never visible to the eye but sharply felt in the heart.

I am the father of despair, the brother of procrastination, the enemy of progress, the tool of tyranny.

Born of ignorance and nursed on misguided thought, I have darkened more hopes, stifled more ambitions, shattered more ideals and prevented more accomplishments than history could record.

Like the changing chameleon, I assume many disguises.

I masquerade as caution.

I am sometimes known as doubt or worry.

But whatever I'm called, I am still fear, the obstacle of achievement.

I know no master but one.

Its name is Understanding.

I have no power but what the human mind gives me, and I vanish completely when the light of understanding reveals the facts as they really are, for I am really nothing.

What timing to get this in my email from a completely oblivious source.

*frowning and looking for the hidden video cameras*

Rut Roh!!

Sunday's are always fun days. There's never lack of things happening--on either of our parts. Sunday is the day he rings the mum and the kiddos.
Today he was plotting and planning that trip he's taking in------I'm not counting how many days, HONEST!

And then the girl rings.
She's got plans to go sailing and is flying to England on the 16th--the day after himself goes. She'll be taking off for Ireland to visit a friend and then to pick up the boat which she and the skipper will said down to Portsmouth. HOW that gal gets signed up for stuff like this, I don't have a clue. I'm not knocking it--more power to her.
So the Brit and the girl are making plans to get together whilest she's there--for dinner with the mum. And with the Brit's kiddos.
It's all good!
I'll be HERE. *snickering*

Wait!

OMG--it's NOT all good....who'll be nudging the girl during the doings to make sure she's minding her p's and q's?!

ACK!!

Mine's BROKEN!! *whining*

There's no O, L, M or N on my keyboard. The F is almost gone. *sigh* I'm gonna have to get sandpaper and make them gone on the new keyboard if this doesn't correct itself SOON.

The keys stick--horribly at the moment. I ain't telling how many times I've had to backspace already cuz the letters just aren't getting in there even though I'm hitting the keys. *sigh*

Okay, so I've had the same keyboard for six years. I rather LIKE this keyboard. The Brit tried to talk me into a nice, new shiny one when he replaced his with a slimmer kinda model. I LIKE my keyboard.
I'm whining cuz I managed to flip a near empty cup of coffee on it when I wasn't ready for the phone to ring and it did. The phone was next to the near empty cup and my ability to snatch things effectively withOUT disturbing the articles next to it apparently has diminished.

I LIKE that the O, L, M and N aren't there.......*sigh*
There'll be more buttons and it'll be shaped different and things won't 'feel' right. *whining!*

HEY!! Maybe if I just keep pounding on the keys this one'll fix itself!

Really..........I'm OPEN to new things. I DO NOT resist change!! LOL

A Break in the Cover

It's been pretty grey around here. Not horrifically cold, just.........grey.

Today, the clouds broke and we had a bit of sun. Fact is, it's looking like a clear evening with star gazing possibilities!
Might go make some of that happen tonight. I could use with a good look 'up' and a reality check of how small I truly am, how small life's little doings are in the large scope of things.

And yep, I started that inventory. LOL How befitting for the clouds to break, eh?

*snickering*
I started with the 'resentments'...I'm working my way UP to the 'fears'. Har!!
Have I ever mentioned I'm much, much more comfortable being grumpy than I am being fearful?
;-)

A Brief, but POWERFUL 'Message From Your Sponsor'?

"I stopped working the steps because it was like a job. I started living them because it was a joy and I enjoyed life more. I stopped going to meetings because it was chore. I started going for me and the joy I got out of them and the joy I got in helping others. I stopped giving the program away because I was told to. I now give it away because I am grateful for what it has done for me and I want to help others. I want to help you. GET THAT FOURTH STEP DONE!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah........

Do YOU see a deadline in there anywhere?
I don't see no deadline.

:-)
Gimme squiggle room and I'll TAKE it! LOL

OH MY GOSH.........I don't believe I'm actually going to take that one and RUN with it!

Prompt List: Fear (note to self) *gak!!*

...Of Abandonment
...Of Acceptance
...Of Anger
...Of Animals
...Of Authority
...Of Being Alone
...Of Being Found Out
...Of Being In A Relationship
...Of Change
...Of Confrontations
...Of Creditors
...Of Crying
...Of Disapproval
...Of Diseases
...Of Drowning
...Of Doctors
...Of Dying
...Of Failure
...Of Fear
...Of Feelings
...Of Gangs
...Of Gays
...Of Getting Old
...Of G-d
...Of Gossip
...Of Government
...Of Guns
...Of Having Children
...Of Having No Children
...Of Heights
...Of Hospitals
...Of Hurting Others
...Of Insanity
...Of Insects
...Of Insecurity
...Of Intimacy
...Of Jail
...Of Lies
...Of Living
...Of Loneliness
...Of Losing A Child
...Of Losing A Spouse
...Of Love
...Of Making Amends
...Of Men
...Of Not Being In A Relationship
...Of Not Being In Control
...Of Not Having Sex
...Of Not Having Enough
...Of Not Having A Job
...Of Parents
...Of People
...Of Physical Pain
...Of Police
...Of Public Speaking
...Of Other Races
...Of Rejection
...Of Relapse
...Of Religion
...Of Responsiblity
...Of Sex
...Of Sin
...Of Sobriety
...Of Stealing
...Of Success
...Of The Truth
...Of The Unknown
...Of Violence
...Of Wealth
...Of Women
...Of Working
...Of Writing Inventories
...That There Is No G-d

Okay, so I talked with the OTHER wiseperson in my life this morning and he concurred--

Lizard Brain!!


*sigh*
Honestly, I was hoping to start a conflict.....not get validation!
Oy.

Now THAT'S an old trick.
And I'm not even a new dog.

Oy.



LOL

I'm sure he says it with the utmost love and affection.......

"Confess your hidden faults.
Approach what you find repulsive.
Help those you think you cannot help.
Anything you are attached to, let it go.
Go to the places that scare you."

I now have a new name. There for a while it was "Alice (wiseperson's better half)--'oh shit' is on the phone!" (this taken from the warm fuzzy greeting that I gave him after his seven hours of driving to be at a surprise Anniversary dig one of my pigeons conspired to do)
Tonight it was "Alice--it's Lizard Brain."

Okay, I was attributing it to Daisy and Fanny. After all, we have lizard critters in this household.
No such luck....LOL
I dared to ask. SILLY me!
Ummmm.....LIZARD Brain?
"What does a Lizard Brain know?! Nothing. It has three responses: Fight, Flight or Freeze."
Okay--so that was directed at me FOR a REASON.
Fine....I'm now affectionately known as 'Lizard Brain'.
He might have a point.

"Go to the places that scare you."
There's a wise statement I'm getting to heed.

1. "I list my fears."
2. "I ask myself why I had them"--the justification I give myself for having the fear, which is generally another underlying fear.
3. "But did not I, myself, set the ball rolling? How did self-reliance fail me?"
(This included considering if my own selfishness and self-centeredness was infolved--how am I contributing to the fear? Is the fear real or imagined?)
4. And "what, perhaps, is a better way?"

Straight out of page 68. Oh boy, oh joy, oh happy days!

Ol' Lizard Brain is so stuck in them that she's even fearful about writing out the fears!
Inventory THAT!
Yep---fight, flight or freeze......

Lizard Brain.....now how appropriate is THAT?

Beauty and Icy prisons

I couldn't help it. As foggy as it was--I knew the trees would end up frost covered. They were--and it was a bit eerie disappearing into the fog with the trees iced, just kind of lurking there. Gorgeous--absolutely beautiful! What an awesome site.



I did find the last photo to be pretty much the feel to the morning. As much as I don't necessarily like grey days, especially when they run weeks on end, I don't let them dictate my mood or my actions.

Something about the imprisoned icy-ness of this morning's shot got my attention. But that was only after I left work--trying to process in my head the course of the day's events, the conversations with the boss regarding where all this 'stuff' is heading with the job situation.
Feels like that cold, frosted to the bones 'chill', that sense of the tree in the photo trying to reach past the fence to find something different.
Now, how deep is that?! LOL
Maybe I need to stop taking photos--cuz I didn't intend to include the fence in the shot.....how weird that THAT's the shot that I captured, eh?

Woody and Sally

Looks cold and dismal, huh?
*chuckling*
It pretty much IS how it looks, folks!

And this--is Woody and Sally. (yes, I name everything!)
Contrary to what it looks like, Woody is actually a red bellied woodpecker--dunno why----- one can plainly see that his head is red.
And that's Sally--she's one of two or three or six downy woodpeckers who frequent the feeders all year round. Of course, it's ALWAYS Sally and Harry (the male downy)--unless it's Sally and Sally.......LOL The Brit tried to convince me it's Mavis--however, truth is there's more than one Stephen in the world and I'M right--it's Sally and Sally! LOL
*nodding*

It's cold and it's dismal looking out there.
We had a fog that moved through and the trees are just gorgeous this morning--frost covered and picturesque.
And nope, I'm NOT venturing out in my jammies for a photo....LOL

*waving at Woody and Sally*
We're never lacking for company around this joint! Well---'cept when the feeders are empty.
THEN they go pecking at the house--no foolin'!
*shrugs*
It works!
Better to fill the feeders than to have a woodpecker drilling on your house!

Daisy and Fanny

Yep--lizards.
They, too, consume crickets.

Daisy--we later discovered was a male lizard. We altered his name to Ooopsy Daisy...LOL

And Fanny--she's a bit shy.....but she's active when she's thinking noone's watching.

And I do like watching them-- from across the room. Well......... 'Cept if it's feeding time. I'm a quick exit when himself comes in toting the cricket cage!

Ya know, it's a darn good thing he keeps the cricket cage downstairs, far far away from me. I'd be naming 'em and feeling bad when they became dinner for the critters. LOL

*waving at Daisy and Fanny*

Most folks have dogs or cats.........LOL But oh noooooooooooooooooo--lizards and a snake!

Nothing runs like a Deere---

January in California.
Somehow my sister deemed it necessary to send on this photo--mostly cuz Iowa's the prime manufacturer of John Deere Tractors--and my dad built them for 30 some years.

Show-off!
She's seeing tractors and taking snapshots.......with fields of flowers, no less.
I coulda took a photo of a tractor moving snow, today.

LOL Somehow methinks it wouldn't meet with the same level of envy THIS photo got met with.

Lucky HER!

Our Comings Out and Our Goings In---(note to self)

Bless them all, will ya--cuz sometimes that's feeling like it's up for grabs any time I leave my precious little 'kingdom'.

MY kingdom.....

I get razzed about MY kingdom. I go on about not being an entertainer, not being some social kinda gal. "I LIKE my alone time", I profess.

And then I have wiseperson in my life asking me the ever popular question--
"What are you afraid of, Mel?"

Who? ME? Afraid?!
No, no, no.....tired--had my fill of people, thanksverymuch. I DO people for a living, remember?

"What are you afraid of, Mel?"

MY kingdom.
The world to my liking.
My surroundings to my liking.
Comfortability.
Peace.
Serenity.
Control? LOL

Apparently a friendly banter about "I'm not a social person, so if himself wants to have this entourage of folks at the house to look at this train stuff, the PERFECT time to do that is on Tuesdays and Thursday evenings--I'm at work."

"What are you afraid of, Mel?"

*sigh*
I'm sure it has to do with that 'MY kingdom' stuff.
I'm even pretty comfortable 'guessing' that some of it's about the 'exposure' that comes with inviting people IN to 'MY kingdom'.
But what am I afraid of?

People?
Screwing up stuff for the Brit cuz I'm--loveable but weird?
Dunno.....but if I can trust G-d to make sure my comings and goings are what need to happen outside of this 'kingdom'--what's the deal with inviting people 'in'?

I'd rather be resentful....LOL
I KNOW what to do with resentments.
This FEAR stuff is sucky!

Please excuse Mel from being responsible, today. ;-)

It's Sunday morning and I'm about to head out for my usual 'meet with the pigeon/meeting/meet with another pigeon' routine. Somethings are better structured out for me, cuz if you leave it to 'do what you FEEL like doing', I'd feel like the gloomy weather and pull the blankets tight and stay warm and cozy.....you 'deserve' a 'do nothing' kinda day.

Dangerous thinking for this human being. I could justify that for weeks on end--and HAVE on occasion.

I lack that inner discipline. I think a whole lot of people have it--I could be wrong. My sister doesn't seem to have any trouble getting to where she 'ought' to be, doing what 'needs' done. I, on the other hand, have a brain that intellectualizes and rationalizes out why I don't NEED to do that, today.
That's a part of why I continue to structure my days to GET me to where I need to be. Rarely do I have a 'good enough' excuse to actually let myself off the hook and be irresponsible. If I made one up and tried to get it to fly pass wiseperson in my life--*snickering* I know what I'd GET.

"Well, aren't YOU special! You got a 'please excuse Mel from being responsible' excuse. Wow........can I see G-d's signature on that? I've always wanted to see how He signed those--cuz I'VE NEVER GOTTEN ONE."

That'd be when I smile sheepishly--and duck lower and run faster......LOL

Truth is, I LIKE that I'm actually responsible today.
The flip side--I know well and I didn't like the end results.

*doing happy dance*
I get to be responsible today!
Now how cool is that?!

OUTTA here!
*exiting*

And the answer IS...........

RE: Big Book Question, please!

"their reliance upon things human"

Human
aid, methodology, self help programs, moderation management.

psychiatry, medicine, gurus, mystics, lovers, spouses, children,
exercise, yoga, the list goes on ad infinitum.

i give talks on this
continuously.


Got a moment? send an email and i'll
call

Chad

*chuckling* As obsessed as I was in getting some clarity on that little section of the sentence--so was Chad in making sure we talked it...........and caught up cuz we'd not connected since before the holidays.
He was telling me HE needed the chat, that he was glad for the chance to talk with me.
I was ever so grateful to be unstuck! And even more grateful I got to be there for him.

:-)
I sure hope he felt that hug.........

Their reliance upon things human---

No, we are NOT. But we are a perplexed lot at the moment. Okay, maybe not a 'LOT'--just me.

Ya know, for quite some time I've been reading The Big Book--and I've read it multiple, multiple times.

But I'm stuck and I'm getting kinda cranky about it.



"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."

It's that 'their reliance upon things human' that's got me stuck and frustrated. LOL
Of course, I've rang both wisepersons in my life. I've emailed three folks who I know are well versed in the Big Book.
And it's making me nutzoid.
WHAT does 'their reliance upon things human' mean in context of the whole sentence? What ARE 'things human'?

Keep in mind it was written in 1934 by Dr. Silkworth......and is in "The Doctor's Opinion"....and I won't readily accept some 'oh, it means they quit trusting people'. LOL
Keep in mind I obsess and it'll make me nutzoid! ;-)

Arghhhh........
*banging head*
I ain't glum........I'm obsessed! LOLOL

If ya wanna run with the Big Dogs, you gotta get off the porch

Mostly I just love Snoopy. There's not a whole lot that's 'new' new. It's just new 'stuff' that's always changing, always happening. I guess most folks would see that as 'new' stuff. I just have a busy life that's people focused and people focused lives are always busy--cuz people are busy creatures.

I did have a chat with my boss--who looks absolutely great, considering he damaged his heart when he had that heart attack.
I told him I'd be honoured to take any responsibility he presented to me and I'd give it my 110%......but if he offered me some title with responsibilities that included attending meetings with this group of 'professionals' that I got to attend while he was gone....I'd have to decline as gracefully as I possibly could. I don't 'play' like they do. I don't operate like that. I won't.

I backed up and told him I'd already had more than a few confrontations. When I'm in a meeting with folks who've attended another meeting that I've not, merely because of 'title', and they're wanting to discuss the meeting--it's nice that they asked me--but don't talk 'in code', please. Either ask if I mind giving them ten minutes or wait to have the discussion another time.
Good grief, I even volunteered to leave the meeting so they could have the discussion. I was assured it wasn't necessary. Now, all things considered, I'm a patient person. I didn't exactly crawl across the table--but I did lean across it and let people know I wasn't okay with how the conversation was going, again suggested that I either leave the room or they curb that conversation for another time--but talking 'in code' was pretty silly and insulting and REALLY, if there's something to be said ABOUT someone, doesn't it need to be said TO someone. See, they were talking ABOUT the boss' boss--and of course, they're not willing to talk TO her. Twice I leaned across the table--the second time REALLY not being okay with the course of that ten minutes--asking folks directly if they'd talked with the boss' boss and challenging them all about the standard they had for their employees, their expectations of the children they work with--none of them will let kiddos talk 'bad' about someone without demanding they talk TO the person--apparently those rules don't apply to them?
That went over like a lead balloon. LOL

I told my boss--I don't operate that way today.....and I won't operate that way. Placing me in a room filled with folks who DO operate that way surely will meet with uncomfortable results....and I'm clear I'M not going to be the one uncomfortable for doing and saying right things. I won't take some title and become 'that'. I do realize that people grow at their own pace...but gosh, if you're leading, ought you not have those skills in tact TO be leading?

He tells me that the title and the responsibilities aren't open for discussion or declining. (gee, where have I heard THAT before--I've never once asked for some 'promotion' and I've never willingly signed up to accept one) And the title doesn't mean that way of operating is expected--perhaps it's them that needs to change.....and perhaps I'm suppose to be helping them live what they teach.

*shrugs*
I highly doubt I'm that darn 'good'. And I highly doubt that their way of operating is such a well kept secret that folks don't know they DO operate like that. And apparently, it's been accepted.
I won't accept it, I will challenge it. And I'll be that unpopular one that'll get talked ABOUT instead of being talked TO.

Oh well, wiseperson in my life always told me:

If they're talking about you, they're leaving some other poor soul alone.

Guess that's ONE way of solving the problem? LOL
But I don't WANNA have less time with the kiddos and families.
I don't WANNA have to be on the road more than I am on the unit.
I don't WANNA play with the big dogs and be seen as being 'like them'.
*shudder*

I wanna stay on the porch.
*arf arf*
LOLOL

Removal of Conditions

In another six months we'll be dealing with Immigration on that final adjustment of status.

Strange how that popped into our heads. I think it was because we'd planned his visit back to England. Going to England wasn't an option for over a year--and when we got that 17 minute interview with Immigration and they changed his status to Permanent Resident Alien (conditional) our main concern was that he would be free to fly to see his kiddos and his mom.....and yep, he was.
Truth be told, neither of us can REMEMBER what the 'conditions' are today..LOL So, I was making 'em up as we went, yesterday.

*You have to be NICE to the wifey--ALL THE TIME! You canNOT stick potatoes and meats ON THE SAME FORKFULL of food........Ewwwwwwwm that's just too gross.... Uh huh.... That is TOO one of the conditions!
*You can't say bad things about other drivers and honk your horn when they almost back into you. You scare them!! And.....it's in those conditions, I'm positive of that. You have to be NICE to other drivers.
*Oh, no no no.....you don't GET to get outta dishes--get back here--that's one of those 'conditions' you don't remember.....gosh, even I remember THAT one! You MUST help with dishes. Yep....it's in there!

Yeah, well he wasn't buying it. LOL And neither of us have bothered to check to see exactly WHAT conditions we're not remembering. That's just fine, I'm gonna keep milkin' it for all it's worth. I might even block that immigration website on his computer!

Six months--conditions will be removed and it'll be a done deal for a very long time.

Tonight, over dinner, I suggested that he think very, very wisely about whether he WANTS to have those conditions removed.

He asked me if it was 'as bad' as I thought it would be...being married to himself that is.
I assured him I didn't think it was going to be 'bad'.....I'd simply had a whole lot of fear.

He seemed to be off the mark on what those fears were....thinking mostly they were based on the previous experiences and fearing a repeat performance.

Okay...that was a small part of the fear. I'd never had that experience of falling more and more in love with someone-- And just when I think I couldn't be more in love with the man.......I am. Weirdest darn thing........

He asked if I was done being afraid.

So we talked about the bigger fear. That fear of 'what happens if something happens to me'...that fear that drove the bus in trying to decide if 'yes' was a good answer to give this man that I love like I've never loved before in this lifetime. If I said yes, he was leaving everything and everyone he'd ever known...with no guarantees. How could I 'let' him (and 'let' was the operative word because it was about my willingness to apply for the Visa that would bring him here) leave the security of everything familiar and everything he'd known and loved in his lifetime for that uncertainty.
I told him that the fear still lived.
It lives and breathes when something simple like a left-side headache appears. It lives and breathes when I'm checking bruises to see how long they're lasting. It pops up it's ugly head when one of those menapausal hot flashes happens in the middle of the evening.
It's alive, in me....and sometimes it's spoken--sometimes it's not. What'll he do? Where will he go? How will he take care of himself?

He told me it was alive in him as well. He gets just as scared when I awaken early mornings to a sea of sweat..when I'm incapacitated by a headache...when it's time for blood draws or breast exams or physicals of any sort.

His fear ...--he doesn't know what he'll do without the love of his lifetime.

I did ask, at the end of the answered question to 'Are you done being afraid', if he was second guessing himself in regards to that removal of conditions, whatever those conditions are....

He told me there wasn't any second guessing--if it meant he no longer had to be nice, do dishes and be kind to bad drivers......bring it on!

He's silly.


And I ain't telling him the conditions of the unconditional residency.
MOSTLY cuz I haven't made 'em up..... yet! LOL

A Bizarre Kind Of Season

This morning himself insisted that the 'fat little cardinal' I was chuckling about was 'fluffed up' to stay warm......until he walked outdoors to discover no winter coat was required. LOL I'm thinking I was right about that cardinal. He really was just a lardy little fella!!

17 inches of snow so far this winter. You wouldn't know it from what's on the ground today. Barely anything. The countryside looks like patchwork suede right now. Streams are thawing, the water is running--the geese stood on random patches of ice on the shaded pieces of shore looking confused. The sun was brilliant and surprisingly warm.
It's not suppose to be like this in January.

So, nice day that it was--we seized the opportunity and we took off on an adventure.

Not far, mind you. Distance wasn't required.........the adventure was.

Last night, after purchasing his ticket for the trip in late February, I was pretty messy. Okay....I mean out and out messy.

I want to go. I know it's just not the responsible thing to do right now.
Do I want his mother thinking I don't want to visit her--do I want his kiddos thinking the same? No.
And do I want him thinking I'm eagerly awaiting that alone time, that I'm glad to be sending him off. No.

It feels bad. It feels really bad.

He tells me it's okay. He tells me he knows the decision making process I've gone through. He knows well how torn I am. It's hard not to know that.
And I don't get to control what other people will 'think'.

We're both clear that waiting until it's a 'good time' for me to go along is a bad plan. His mother isn't getting any younger. There's good cause to not delay the trip. He's not seen his kiddos since he moved from England.
It's time.
He needs to go.

It's a bizarre kind of season.
That's true of the winter weather right now. That's true of life circumstances right now. The thaw ought not to be happening in January.......the river ought not be running, the shore ought not to be littered with iced rocks.

Sometimes things aren't as they 'ought' to be.
But they are as they're 'suppose' to be--always.

Meet Thammy

Say hello Thammy!
*waving*

Neither of us wanted to clean Thammy's critter cage.

We hadn't see the snake for over a week.

Crickets were still hopping around in there--Thammy generally does a very good job of helping them disappear within a few hours.
But there they were--and no signs of Thammy the Thnake.

The Brit stalled.

I stalled.

We don't deal well in dead critters.....and we were convinced Thammy was no more.

I was trying to figure out just HOW we were going to give Thammy a proper burial in this frozen tundra. I knew we weren't going to do less for poor Thammy..........

He finally braved it.
I, like some coward, stayed in the laundry room. No way--no HOW was I going to be present and start crying over a lost snake forgoodnesssnakes!

Thammy was all wrapped around the roots of the plants in the critter cage, hiding under all that mulch--
And Thammy, according to all sources we've now checked, was nesting.

NESTING.





And boy---- is SHE pissed we disturbed her!
LOL

Separation

Okay--so it FEELS like this. There's that sad, sorta lost in the distance sorta feeling happening here. That'll happen when you look at the other half and say "we have to set a date for you to go see the kiddos and the mom....you NEED to go....." It's tough when he gets choked up and says he'd love to see them, but he doesn't want to be separated, we made a vow NOT to be doing this again....the him there, me here. We did it for almost five years. We waded through a whole bunch of barriers so we could BE together. Why it's so tough to sign up for that for a couple of weeks.....I dunno.....

It makes me tearful just putting that in the black and white.
I know it doesn't need to be this big of a deal.
I also know that it's just not feasible for me to get away now--and it might not be feasible for some time.
I tried to tie him down to at least a length of time--and I got "I don't want to go without you." and a hard hug filled with.....I dunno, desperation maybe?

This is a good time to catch a flight over--airfares are pretty decent to England right now.
It really isn't possible for me to get away--I'm four staff down and I've got audits coming up, I've got a whole LOT of stuff that I just can't walk away from.
And when I think of getting to put him on a plane again--watching him LEAVE again...I wanna throw up.......
And here I go again with the tears........

We're veterans at this.
We KNOW how to do this.
And the circumstances are completely changed.

But that familiar, overwhelming sense of sadness and ache for what's going to be gone still prevails.....like some distant look down the tracks in the cold of winter......

Tuesday's Brainswirl

It's late. I wish I were tired. Unfortunately, I'm not.....and even more unfortunate is that in less than five hours I'll be up, starting the day anew with leftover popcorn on the kitchen counter...unless I consume the whole bag tonight..........

I love Tuesdays.
Heck, I love Mondays and people find that sick and wrong...LOL.....but Tuesdays are amongst my favoritest days. Mostly cuz they're long, productive, direct contact time with the kiddos and families and staff at work days. Hands on stuff--messin' in tills time! I get involved and way busy on Tuesdays. I love it!

But I get outta there ater ten at night.....and then I have a bit of a struggle unwinding and turning off my brain. I have all this information I have to toss around and put in its place. And I'm mentally getting it organized for Wednesday's team meeting day so I can pass it on for other folks to put to use.

It just makes for late nights on Tuesdays.
It also makes for bad snacking.....LOL
Cuz it's well after midnight and here I am typing on the computer and munching on popcorn!


I COULD save it and have it for breakfast....
:-)
Now THERE'S a thought!
Huh.
I think I JUST gained more wisdom about why wiseperson in my life occasionally prays for G-d to remove my brain! LOLOL

Bondage of 'Self'

Every morning, without fail, I roll out of bed to my knees and have a conversation with G-d. Every morning I remind myself and Him--"G'morning--it's Mel....ya know, the alcoholic one...the addict?.....'member?" LOL That's just in case He gets me confused, of course.. Sometimes I add onto it for good measure "ya know....the whiney one who was telling You how to do Your job yesterday?"...JUST for good measure so He's SURE to remember WHICH Mel's talking to Him. And every morning, without fail, this little prayer happens.

Now, I want you to keep in mind that I had a whole LOT of practice with this prayer BEFORE I was willing to freely, without some mean cranky old fart helping me find my knees, recite and actually MEAN the words. (Most generally those moments happened in Happy Chef, over coffee with several OTHER recovering alcoholics who were grateful THEY'D learned the fine art of keeping their mouths shut and actually using the brains that G-d gave them--but OH NOT ME! Waitresses were accustomed to walking over my legs cuz there I'd be, by the table, reciting that third step prayer cuz I wouldn't shut up! True story!)

I had a 'few' barriers to 'surrendering'. And wiseperson was consistent in making sure that it was put to me simply--"surrender or surrender, kid". I didn't LIKE not winning. Getting MY way was paramount and if G-d could ONLY see things CLEARLY, He'd come around to my way of thinking! Some unfortunate folks didn't HAVE my understanding and knowledge and weak as they were, had to sit still for stuff happening like whimpy victims of the circumstances. But not ME! THEY might not know better than G-d.....but by golly, I did! If I just tried harder and smarter--IT WOULD HAPPEN! Things WOULD turn out HOW I wanted and how I believed they OUGHT to turn out!

I DO hope I've run that one til the wheels came off.

It's that 'bondage of self' that's been the barrier over and over and over again, truth be told. I've kept ME limited and stuck--in all my infinite wisdom, I knew I had a better way...I knew that I had some control of the outcomes. Those seven deadly sins disguised themselves well and I did a standup job of rationalizing it all out to be very acceptable and very responsible looking. Motives were everything (mine sucked a lot, though I could make them LOOK pure and wonderful) and the four absolutes were 'ideals' that folks really couldn't live up to.

I can still go forward and backwards with this surrending jazz. I can get centered in what's good and true one day......and the next day grab it all back again.
I'm thinkin' yesterday was a 'letting go' kinda day.

Cuz when the phone rang and the boy thanked me for the gifts I'd sent on to him; when he talked some about his successes, the plans he was making for himself.....(All good stuff--cuz he's wandered in some not good places.).....I celebrate FOR him! I'm honestly glad for him.
He went on to tell me his dad finally asked his girlfriend to marry him and the plans to marry. And I was happy for his dad.

My first thought wasn't of the 'years of yuck'.
There wasn't any resentment.
There wasn't any underlying anything---just pure happiness and well-wishes.
For the boy.
For the dad.
And that bondage of 'self' wasn't there.

Now--today I'm still not feeling any of that stuff happening. I'm still HONESTLY glad for them--resentment free and happy!

The day's still young yet...LOL

And LORD knows that Bondange of Self is a pretty powerful thing--cuz I empower it.
When I let someone else do the driving--it's astounding....absolutely astounding........