Wednesday Wander

Wednesdays are tough days at the office. They're tough for the kiddos--Wednesdays are one of the toughest treatment days there is for them. Part of that's their doings.....see, we're full staffed on Wednesdays. So mom (one end of the week) gets together with dad (the other end of the week) and they compare notes. Katie bar the door! LOL Happens every week whether we like it or not, even when you have a great 'kid culture'. There's always someone (in a house with 25 adolescents) that's testing mom and dad.

It's also a tough day for 'mom and dad' (aka: the grownups who resemble counselors). Meetings with the whole team, meetings with teams that work with groups of kiddos, meetings with the psychologist, meetings with me.....
That's a whole lotta meetings.
Not to mention that's a whole lot of adults to check in with and make certain we're all on the same page--with the kiddos and as the adults.

It's a hard, busy, and brain overload kinda day.
I'm always bushed and my brain is fried by the time I put in eight hours of all that!

So I got home this evening and himself suggests we take a small adventure.
Now, wasn't that sweet--but I'm tired and *I* think I know what's 'best' for me.

*rolling eyes*
Like that's ever been true?!

Needless to say, I was kidnapped against my will. LOL And off we went on an adventure.
We never left town. Right in our own back yard.......

Through the woods....
Suddenly the blueness overhead was replaced by the green of the wooded world.... Absolutely beautiful and beyond peaceful.

More proof that I don't always know what's best for Mel. I'da opted to stay at home with my glass of suntea and missed it all!

Every once in a while the sun peeked through to highlight pieces of art otherwise overlooked.
It was a dam good ending to a hectic day.

*snickering*
Oh man....... Sometimes I make myself laugh --
Of course, most times it's just me laughing cuz I'm the only one who 'gets' the joke.

*chuckling*

Like that simple fact would ever stop me?! LOL

384 acres of nonhumankind

Iowa is not flat.
If one more person tells me Iowa is flat and all potatoes, I'm gonna whap 'em.
Iowa is NOT flat and it's IDAHO that grows the potatoes, dangit.
*sigh*
I'm gonna haffta get out of the car on my journey to the central office and snap shots of all the hills and trees. We're just too close to the Mississippi river to have 'flat'. Smack dab in the middle of Iowa wouldn't even get 'flat'--NEBRASKA is flat. Oklahoma........flat...... We didn't get the title 'plains state'........cuz we're NOT FLAT.
*chuckling*
I think I'm a bit touchy about that one, huh?

Anyway.....
We had an adventure!

We took the least traveled road and ended up in some 'refuge' that's fenced off and spoken for by the state as a preserve/refuge for wildlife. Anyone can go trekking through it, if you don't mind the single mowed path and burrs sticking to your jeans.
I'm that kinda gal--I drug the Brit with me all the way through the pasture (aka prairie grasses/weeds), up down and around the hills and woods-- and ended up at a creek/stream/riverlet..... Absolutely beautiful and peaceful.

Musta sat there for a good hour just watching the birdies and frogs and neon bugs having a good existance away from humankind. There's nothing like the sounds and sights you can capture in someone's 'back fourty'.......lol.......even if it's a 'back fourty' that's open to everyone. Besides, it was more like a 'back 384'....384 acres of wanderings to be had. And even those 384 acres are surrounded by cattle/pastures. It was gorgeously void of people noises......and it was wonderful.
It was worth the journey.

He was amazed that people can just wander into places like this--that it's not claimed and kept for private use.
I was amazed that there wasn't ONE complaint about the burrs he had to pull off of his jeans.
;-)

Caterpillars and Beetles

If your life is ever going to get different, you'll have to take risks. There is simply no way you can grow without taking chances.--David Viscott

One sunny day a caterpillar who was afraid of the dark came to a tunnel which lay squarely in its path. It had a choice of going back where it started, or summoning the courage to crawl into the darkness.
"What shall I do?" wondered the caterpillar. "If I go back home, I won't get where I want to go, but I'm so afraid!"

Just then, a voice called out from the tunnel.
"I can hear you, Mr. Caterpillar. I am Mr. Beetle. I am here in the tunnel and I can see the other end. If you come through, you won't lose your fear of the dark, but you will get where you want to go."

If we let our fear stop us from doing things which are necessary to our growth, we will never realize what courage we really have.
A question to ask yourself: Is this fear a necessary part of the new experience?

It's blooming and multiplying!

Last year I put in a 'piece' of a rock garden.
I wasn't sure I'd like it.
This year, I'm convinced that I do.
Ain't it cute?!

Now--it'll be off to find more flagstone and figuring out how to blend the perenials with some annuals.
THIS is where I get in trouble. LOL I like flowers, I like colours.
I like colourful flowers and LOTS of them!

I wonder just how many rocks it would take to cover the whole back yard.

I wouldn't have to mow....that'd be a bonus!

Maybe I'll start with the remainder of the back of the house and take it from there.

Dunno......

I know I now have visions -- and that oughta scare everyone! LOL

QOTW 5/29

Do you ever call in sick to work when you aren't?
If yes, do you feel guilty about it?

Easy. Nope, since I got clean and sober I've never called in sick to work when I wasn't.
I'm thinkin' I used up that privilege when I was using.

Fact is, I'm the opposite nowadays.
If I just get up, show up and keep moving--I'll feel better.
I'm the one showing up, spreading germies before I figure out I really AM sick!
People lovvvveeeeeeeeeeee to send me home! LOL

Grackles

Early mornings are my favorite. It's just me--and a whole world full of sounds. I sit in the study with my coffee, my reading books and I open the window. Now granted, I'll open the window air conditioner or not, furnace or not. In the dead of winter, it's silence. Some mornings I can hear the snow fall.

It's now spring and the birdies start in when I'm midway through my prayer and meditation time. Sorry, I can't help but hear them....I'm certain G-d understands, HE put them there afterall. It's a choral arrangement like no other.
And at this moment in springtime, it's filled with the sounds of babies. Baby robins, baby sparrows, baby cardinals, baby grackles.....

Let's TALK about those baby grackles-- Most babies are gleefully chirping and following mom around, emulating parents so they can learn their ways. Baby sparrows flap their wings rapidly and chirp while they're awaiting moms and dads to fill their little craw. They're just darn cute. Baby robins chirp and mom or dad comes to feed them--they're instantly sated and content and hop around, silently following their parent.

But not the baby grackles! Oh no. I've sat on the patio night after night and watched them. Oddest darn thing--anyone can feed 'em.
And anyone with a desire for sanity WILL feed them! Those babies follow around any bird, screaming incessantly--even after the mom (or any willing bird) shoves something into their wide opened beaks.
There's been more than once that I'VE threatened to leave the comfort of my rocker to shove something down their throat--and it wasn't driven by some loving maternal instinct!

They're not exactly the cutest things.
They're messy and loud and demanding--and persistent.

The moms and dads have to be awful darn tired.
It seems they spend their day going from feeder to feeder with screaming babies following close behind.
The parents seemingly are responsible for empting the sparrow feeder, the table feeder, the peanut feeder AND the cake feeder.
No fooling--we can't keep up!
Baby grackles land on the table feeder and scream--while their parent ( or some willing bird ) stands on the other side of the table feeder and shoves seeds in just as fast as they can. Trust me when I say the screaming persists......even as they scatter the very seed that moms and dads are feeding them --to the ground. *shaking head* I take it grackels aren't the smartest birds in the world.

Now, I'm not sure how long this 'feeding the babies' frenzy lasts. But I can tell ya, I'm hoping not too dang much longer! I'm pretty convinced that Woody and Harry and Sally and Mr. Robin and the Nuthatchery Dudes would concurr. It's a noise fest out there right now......
I don't even wanna confess how often the Brit's been filling the feeders!

I can't keep up with 'em.

Even the parents can't keep up with 'em.....nor can the other birds who frequent our back yard (all 23 species--we know, we've counted........and that's simply calling sparrows sparrows instead of separating out which sparrow is which kind of sparrow!).
I'm actually feeling sorry for the moms and dads.

I would like my peacefilled mornings back now, thanksverymuch.

Can I mention that I now understand why some animals kill their young?
Can I also mention how confusing it is that grackles aren't one of them? LOL

Oh--how could I forget.......

No, this isn't a bad photo of flowers without the heads on them--though I do confess that I'm not the world's greatest photo taker--
Find the baby bunny?
I wanted to bring him home with us.

Old Mr. Mush Bucket said NO......
Hmmmmmmmmmph!

Tadpoles, butterflies and ice cream cones--

We found tadpoles!
They were at the pond at the butterfly garden.
We saw a total of three (3) butterflies....okay, so it's a bit early.
Not too early for chives to bloom and bees to find them, though!
And the adventure wasn't on the agenda.
It's a holiday weekend and the Brit seemed to think I needed more than edging half the sidewalks (we're a corner lot--we have a LOT of sidewalks) and mowing/trimming the lawn.
He whisked me off for an adventure.
We even had an ice cream cone!

All together now.....
One,
Two,
Three---- "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....."
Gawwwwwwd he's such a mush bucket! LOL

That's it!!! I'm keeping him!

I have such a great little fella who waits for me to get home from work.
No, really........he's just awesome!
I told him I didn't care if he EVER went back to work--and I think I meant it. LOL

He's just such an awesome man.

He managed to go fishing for a bit yesterday, the laundry was done, plants were watered and garden beds were weeded, the house was picked up and tidy--and I got me one of those realllllllly long standing hugs when I walked in. AND he made me suntea!

AND he did grocery shopping!
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

No, seriously--it's the holiday weekend and I think I musta slumped wayyyyy down in the chair when he said--"Right then....best we get some shopping done!" (HOW he can say that with cheer in his voice is incomprehensible to me!) He's so sweet--he offered to do it without me so I could just 'be' on the patio.
I asked if the 'right' answer was "No, no, no......I'd love to go grocery shopping with you."

LOL Bless his heart, he just kissed the top of my head and told me to just 'be' for a while.........and WHATEVER I'd like for dinner, was mine.

"ANYthing I want?"
"Yes--anything."

*doing happy dance!!*

Guess what I had for dinner!?!

A strawberry popsicle
.........and watermelon.
Yep.

And it was the best darn dinner I'd had all week! LOL

Checkmate

All I have to know today is that I'm willing to have my life be different.
The rest is all fluff, eh?

I'm such an unruly person.
Gimme a deadline and I'll meet it--usually ahead of the deadline itself.
I'm kinda like that. Get in, get it done, get out.
*chuckling*
That's how I shop--which I detest--and mostly that's how deadlines are handled.

I had that deadline on the decision around the job position.....
And leave it to me to ask a question instead of giving an answer.
Leave it to my boss to not respond to the question....leastwise not to the email I sent the question on.

But we did talk on Thursday.
And he did answer my question..........leastwise best that he could....

"TELL me I won't get ripped out of where my heart is."
He told me he could bury me with all kinds of responsibilities right where my feet were--the trick would be to hand over 'stuff' without me burying myself.

The bugger smirked when I took a deep breath and said "okay."

He plays one MEAN game of chess........

All I have to know today is that I'm willing to have my life be different....right?

Time's up

G-d, help me change my thinking.

QOTW 5/22

Three people you speak with on a daily basis:

Daily?
As in every day?

Oh boy.....

The Brit.
Oh, and G-d----though He's not exactly 'people'.

That's it! LOL
Obviously I'm not a social person, huh?

Dumpy Little Places

Little places.......dumpy little places.

Oh, the dumpy little places I've lived!
I loved dumpy little places. They came with landlords who didn't get in the way of fixing things up and claiming that dumpy little space. Sometimes, they even took money off the rent--and every time they increased the rent when you moved out! It was a great deal for them. It was a great deal for me. Rent was always cheap--and you really couldn't 'go' any place but 'up' in those dives.

Honestly, I've had some great apartments. Granted, they didn't start OUT great--but they got some TLC and they became 'mine'. I have some fond memories of those places. I have some fond memories of the 'hallways from hell'..... Folks were always relieved and impressed once they entered the actual apartment!

So 'we' (meaning *I*) spent some time this weekend moving the girl into a dumply little place.

Built probably in the 1920's it's a maze of rooms--small rooms. No.....ickle rooms, very small rooms.....
There's a second floor--(she dubbed it that)it's a paneled attic space with the angled walls. I don't even think standing upright is an option unless you're smack dab in the middle of the room.
From a spacious, modern apartment with all the amenities to a dumpy little place in the middle of some 'smaller than the town YOU live in, mom' town.

Why?
Cuz she's determined to 'claim' a spot and she's too anxious/uncertain about buying a house--and she's not financially where she needs to be TO purchase, which is part of this strategy with the 'dumpy little place'. It's one third of the cost of her spacious, modern apartment with all the amenities.
Cuz it's in a 'smaller than the town mom lives in' and she can see the stars from the back yard.
(Seriously small--we're talking population under 400)
Cuz she can live a quiet existance.
Cuz she can put in a garden and kill all the plants at her leisure.
Cuz she can put a nail in the wall, paint and decorate to her little hearts content without having to pay for 'damage' to someone else's 'model apartment'.
Cuz she can just 'be' vs. 'having to be' for other people.

I tried to keep in mind those dumpy little places I picked to claim as my 'home'. They were adventures, transformations waiting to happen.
They were a part of my 'recovery' after stepping out of fast lane living. They gave me a mission and a centeredness on what was in front of me.

So we talked pickeling that paneling on that 'second floor' and she assured me that the ants crawling down the wall would be poisoned successfully. And we measured walls to find where the couch might fit and she told me that the fella friend would be replacing the frontdoor with one that actually has a screen....and a non-broken window.

I had to hug her and tell her about 'the hallways from hell'.

She and the fella friend are pretty excited to be able to 'play' with the house.
I'm excited for her adventure.

I'm gonna send her a basket with garden plants and seeds as a house warming gift.......and I'm tucking in a canister of ant poison.

Celebrating coming full circle

It's been a merry-go-round that's come full circle.
I picked up a pigeon (whom I'll call Laura) some 16 years ago--She had a near two year old daughter then.
Not a pretty site--Laura was in a pretty sick and abusive relationship on top of being alcoholic/addicted. But that 'ick' relationship is something we alcoholics are pretty good at getting ourselves into. More reasons to drink, don'tchaknow.... (yes, I know the dynamics are wayyyyyyy past that simple fact) Getting into abusive relationships is easy for us--getting out of them is a whole different thing.

Laura introduced herself to me and asked for help with the crappy relationship stuff--the last thing she wanted help with was her alcoholism and drug addiction. But nothing changes if nothing changes-- And during the course of talking the 'other problem' the disease got exposed and I got to do multiple interventions before she angrily owned there was a problem. True to the nature of the disease and the denial involved, it had to get pretty messy before she got willing. But she did get willing.

She asked me to sponsor her because I pissed her off. LOL Great criteria for sponsorship, dontchathink! ;-)

Laura and I muddled through a whole lot......not always gratefully cuz I was still pissing her off. (later she'd confess that she figured if I sponsored her I'd HAVE to be 'nice' to her---obviously someone lied to her! LOL) But muddled through we did.

Weekly visits, meetings, 12 step calls that I'd haul her off on--Laura and I kept pretty darn busy doing the deal. Sometimes she'd happily go--other times it was kicking and screaming the whole way. (*chuckling* Getting the sense that she's a bit like me?!)

And then there was that little girl got to be a part of it all.

She got empowered to tell her mom the truth growing up. She got to learn the ins and outs of life with an alcoholic--albeit a recovering one. She got to do a whole lot of growing herself--sometimes not happily. Alcoholism is a family disease, there's not two ways about it.

Used to be that she'd frown and tell me not to be mean to her mom. LOL Then there came a time where she feared me coming--knowing I'd be visiting with her, too! I worked with them both because I was graced to get to.
That little girl knows the steps, she knows the principles--she calls me when she's worried about her mom cuz she knows I'll get to the truth. She relies on me to be that wisepersoninmomslife......... and in her life.

Isn't that ironic...................

And she knows I'll show up for her 'recognition dinner' Wednesday.
That 'little girl' will be graduating high school in a few days, collecting six honours--cuz she's just a talented, wondrously awesome child of G-d.
I'm honoured she asked me to sit with her mom.

It ALWAYS amazes me when we get to do this........

Truly--I'm humbled that I get to.
Me.
How awesome is that!

OH BOY!!

Yep--time to help shove things in boxes and move the girl!
Have Jeep, will move boxes!

It's all good.
Dunno how much actual packing and moving we'll get done tonight--probably very little cuz we've got some attention to pay to the details of losing that kitty. That's okay--we'll pack and feed her feelings and do anything else that we need to do.

"I need my mom............" will get me there in a heartbeat.

I'm thinkin' it'll do us both a world of good.

And I will be kind to the fella friend........I will be kind to the fella friend.....
I WILL be kind to the fella friend.

Nope, I don't have any feelings or thinking about sharing a house with that fella friend--and even if I DID, those aren't any of my business!
*rolling eyes*

G-d, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth! Amen.

Ramblings.......

I didn't intend to be talking with my boss today.
Nor did I think I'd be hearing from him "I'm glad I came here--I always leave feeling 'full'."

I had to ask if that was a compliment--only cuz I do stupid things like that. It was meant as one and I knew it.
He and I talk pretty candidly.
And I was pretty candid with him today.

But ya know--he asked me if I'd made a decision about the position he offered me and wanted me to take.
I let him know I had--and then put it up for grabs again two days ago.
He wondered if it was because of the Brit's circumstances.

Hardly.
Two days ago I asked my two 'next in charge' folks for feedback from the meeting I had to do some presenting for.
And the feedback about MY part wasn't bad--fact is they found that the most honest, most 'passionate about the mission' part of the whole meeting.
Unfortunately, the rest they found to be a 'sell job' and that their opinion genuinely wasn't wanted or being solicited for. And since I was a part of the whole presentation---

*$&#!*ed!!
Plain and simple.
MY agenda got questioned--and I think that hurt my fragile little feeling.

And then I found out I'd been somehow moved to the ranks of being a "them".
No longer an "us"--but one of "THEM", albeit an honourary member of the "us".

I've never aspired to be one of "THEM".
I'm not an administrator in a conventional sense that seems to be prominent in the agency that I work for.
I'm just not---politically minded.
I don't rightly care whose toes I step on and I'm not afraid to say what's true.
I'm not climbing some 'ladder'.
Prestige isn't exactly important to me....AT all!
I do what I expect others to do. I can do any job on that unit---'cept run the damn copy machine. LOL ( THIS is why I have a secretary!)
Fact is I've DONE every job on the unit.

But put me into a meeting WITH "THEM", I somehow end up being ONE of "THEM".

Doesn't matter if I actually TAKE the position....

Oddly enough, I've never thought of my boss as "one of THEM"...... He found that comforting.

"THEM" (in my book) tends to be those driven by things that I don't relate to be driven BY.
So becoming one of THEM--pisses me off....(which means that it scares the byjeepers outta me)
Small wonder the boss found it complimentary and comforting that I don't see him as one of 'them'.

I really did have it narrowed down.
I was ready to suck it up and take the position in hopes of manipulating what I still NEED to be doing along with what it is that the boss needs me to be doing on top of what the agency needs me to be doing.
LOL....I figured I wouldn't be bored!

I know me. If I say 'no' and stay for a boss I won't respect--I'll be leaving the agency.
If I say 'yes', I'll work like heck to manipulate getting the mission met and MAYBE haffta leave IF I can't get that pulled off......

NOW I'm trying to accept that saying 'yes' means I'm for SURE #$!*#ed with the staff I work with....I'll officially be 'one of THEM'.

Seems to me I've already been dubbed 'one of them' and I'm not IN the position.

I'm just royally pissed to find I've been placed there....
The boss welcomed me to his world. He even told me he gets it and knows it's a crappy place to be placed in--but that doesn't mean he needs me less.
GREAT--

I did tell him I had until the 23rd to come up with an answer---
-------and that he should expect that to come in a phonecall at around 11:59pm.

*arming myself with the bug zapper swatter*

So often, when a problem occurs, inside or around us, we revert to thinking that if we put our life on hold we can positively contribute to the solution.
If a relationship isn't working, if we face a difficult decision, if we're feeling depressed, we may put our life on hold and torment ourselves with obsessive thoughts.

Abandoning our life or routines contributes to the problem and delays us from finding the solution.

Frequently, the solution comes when we let go enough to live our life, return to our routine, and stop obsessing about the problem.

Sometimes, even if we don't feel like we have let go or can let go, we can act as if we have, and that will help bring about the letting go we desire.

You don't have to give up your power to problems. You can take your focus off your problem and direct it to your life, trusting that doing so will bring you closer to a solution.

Okay.......that's IT!!!!!
Where'd that little reading fairy go?

C'mout c'mout wherever you are......

Darn reading fairy......

Living or Waiting?

Isn't it really a matter of feeling completely comfortable in the present rather than believing that happiness depends on something in the future?

Whatever our situation today, it's something we must live through and deal with effectively.

We may be overlooking many wonderful things in our present life simply because we believe we need some exciting experience that can only come later on.

We also might be overlooking present opportunities because we're spending too much time in the past. The past, whether it was good or bad, is beyond our control.

Our mission is to live effectively and happily today.

We can do this best when we realize that yesterday and tomorrow don't really exist -- today is all we can be sure of.


Sometimes I think that reading fairy (ya know, the one who sneaks in when I'm not looking and puts a reading in one of my books?)is in cahoots with wisepersoninmylife!
I wonder if she gets paid well to put an exclamation mark on his points.

With all due respect............

When did *I* become a listkeeper?!

Okay, okay.........lists aren't anything NEW to me, but GEEZE!!!!!!!!!

It's GOTTA be a hazzard of living with the king of listkeepers.
Yep...I'm blaming HIM.
Yep.........HIS fault that I have this sudden need to 'fix' things for people around me.
No foolin'.....I have a LIST of people I have that going on with.......himself included.
OMG!!

I mean--what happened to the "people who oughta be 'x'ed off the planet" list?!

Wisepersoninmylife told me if I was gonna keep this up we were going to have to send me to an AlAnon meeting. (note that *WE* were going to send me and *I* was going to be the one to show up?)

NononononoNO!
Must NOT keep making it my mission to 'make things better'.....
MUST help people see that they're empowered to do this for themselves!
Oy.........wait.......isn't that just a manipulative way of doing that fix-it job ANYWAY?!

C'mon........it's a full time job to keep ME where I need to be forcryingoutloud.... (obviously............)

Besides.........I'm damn well running outta the boring bandaids and that'll just leave the Snoopy ones.

UH UH!!
I'm NOT giving up the Snoopy ones!







*whew*
Much better.......LOL.........back to it all being about selfish little ol' MEMEME!

:-P

Essence

You can hope and you can offer hope. You can take the financial burden out of the equation. But you don't get to control the end results.
Oh, how I wish I could have.

Tonight there's a 25 year old gal whose heart is hurting beyond hurting. And I can't change any of that.
She took her kitty in to the vet at 8:30 this morning and left her in their care to have surgery. At 9:34 they rang her to let her know the kitty had collapsed on the table when they were about to do the x-rays. As fast as she tried to get there, she didn't make it in time and she wasn't able to cuddle the kitty one more time.

Oh how I wish I could have been in charge of the results.

She loved that kitty well.
And that kitty well knew she was loved.

Crisis, cellphones and justifiable whappings--

I slip this sucker in my back pocket when they put those phoney (yes, pun intended) pockets on my jackets. (What's the point of sewing a nonexistent pocket? Why not just put the darn pocket in and make it functional?!)

Anyway.......

I set the darn thing for "meeting" and it manages to vibrate AND beep AND flash its lights (not that you can see the flashing lights from my rear pocket!). It's quite the experience, lemme assure you.

So when I get home late and the darn thing goes off close to midnight--I'm figuring some crisis at work.

Nope.

Some crisis with the girl.
Seems her kitty swallowed a piece of ribbon and her 'fella friend' (okay, okay! I'm doing denial about that relationship--they're sharing a HOUSE together come this weekend---ack!) THOUGHT it would be a good plan to pull what he could see of the ribbon out of the kitty's mouth.
She's estimating it was near nine inches of ribbon.

Now, that thought in and of itself makes ME wanna hurl.
Apparently the cat's been hurling all evening--off and on.
Yes, the vet has been called and she has her instructions.
Doesn't stop that phone from going off at midnight with an emotionally distraught girl giving you the details and looking for that voice of reason.

The Brit thought it was some horrid circumstances involving a human being--and decided it was 'okay' to comment (since it wasn't a human being) on the cat "still having eight more lives". YES, I whapped him!

I just know I had a vibrating/beeping/flashing phone and a sobbing child (well, okay....so she's not a CHILD child..).
And I was dealing in hysterics about an not well cat.

Having a sick critter is NOT fun.

I also know having a chunk of empathy/compassion was required.
I'm pretty sure whapping HIM was required. *rolling eyes*

I've said prayers for the kitty and for the girl.
I whapped him one more time for good measure.
And I'm gonna try to catch a few hours of sleep.

Feel free to send good thoughts for the girl's kitty.
And if you're so inclined, pray for the Brit cuz the potential exists that I'll haffta whap him really, REALLY hard.....
....and he tells me he bruises easily.

Breaking it to the mom gently......

Oh the things you learn from your own child's online journal.......
I guess it's a handy dandy way to 'break things' to the mom?

She STILL doesn't freaking untie her shoes when she takes them off!

I really DID raise her better than this----honest!

Frazzled....

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't this just about say it all?!

ACK!!!

Oh yeah. I get to present. *rolling eyes*

I had to open my big mouth. *sigh*

Well, about a month ago I opened it in that stupid Tuesday meeting that I get to go to. Ya know that 'Administrative' meeting that I soooooooooooo love sitting in--the one my boss and I practiced signals for(the when to shutUP signal! LOL).
I'm gonna blame him.
He shoulda gave me the signal and he didn't.

Consequently, I have four meetings in the next ten days that I'm signed up for.
Me and my big mouth.
WHERE was that signal when I needed it?!
Honestly, it was simply a question I asked that got me into it. A plain, simple "Don't you think it would be helpful to involve the people who actually are going to implement the changes to be a PART OF the change?". Duh........
Yeah, well--apparently no one had thought of that?
*shaking head* Oy.

So now, me and my big mouth will be going for four meetings in the next ten days--
Oh YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
I hate presenting at 'professional' meetings.
HATE it.

QOTW 5/15

On a scale from 1-10, how compassionate are you?

Uh oh! LOLOL

Compared to where I started--I'm off the scale!
Seriously--no one would have confused me for Ms. Compassionate!
"Get over it" was how I handled other people's pain. I had a low tolerance for others---period.

This 'task' of letting things look how they genuinely ARE is a toughie. I well and truly have evolved into a pretty compassionate person. Letting myself LOOK as compassionate as I feel--that's another story.
My heart hurts for other people on a regular basis.
I don't get to change their circumstances--and I know how growth opportunities can feel like they're insurmountable and unforgiving.
I also know that I got to wander places in my life NOT because it was haphazzard and without purpose. I simply couldn't see the purpose and the grace in it.

I can't 'fix' anything for anyone. But my heart FEELS for others today. Sometimes so much that it truly does ache.
But I trust the process--and I truly believe that all things happen for reasons, even if I don't get to know what those reasons are.
Because of that--I can hold on to hope when the person in the trenches with the muck and the mire simply cannot see or doesn't have enough energy.

Letting it LOOK like it matters a whole lot is something I get to work on daily.
I still have this barrier to letting things look like they are..........
Practice, practice, practice!! ;-)

The List Keeper

We had an interesting conversation last night when he finally got around to moving his lips.

He needed the conversation.

Surprise, surprise--the man keeps lists.
Not written ones, mind you.........mental ones.
I think G-d took away my ability to keep lists in my brain. It's few and far between that I can even remember a shopping list for goodness sakes! Keeping lists of other things--just doesn't seem to work for me anymore. I try keeping sticky notes with lists of pertinant 'stuff'.....I lose the darn stickey note!
He, on the other hand--has longgggggggg lists in his head.
Ya know the type: 'I screwed this up..........and this up.......and THIS up' list.
Apparently it's a longgggg list.
He's keeping track of stuff from wayyyyyyyyy back.
I mean, before ME stuff!
Sheeeeshhhhhh......I can barely remember last WEEK!

And it's all just one huge list of validation about how 'unworthy' he is.

Of course, if *I* screwed up the same thing--it'd be 'okay' and it wouldn't be about *my* value.

"Uh huh........I don't EVER wanna do something to the Jeep to test THAT theory." That got me a laugh, albeit a weak one.

Today--no list is allowed.
We'll see how it goes.
I told him I'm pulling out a hammer and a few nails JUST in case.
Better I cruxify him then and there than to have him go out that door for a five hour walk.
I don't have any laundry LEFT to keep me sane!

Happy Mother's Day!

To me--to all of the moms and the moms of those who've touched my life.

Nothing else will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own.

It was a long walk......

Only took near five hours.
I'm not sure what he solved for himself...

I'm just glad he's home.



And if he does that again, I'm gonna deck him.

Oddly enough--I do think I mean that.

*heavy sigh*

The phone rang just as he came in the house to ask if I'd seen what he'd done to the Jeep. Nope--but I'd heard the noise. I assumed it wasn't pretty. It would seem he opened his door into the carport pillar--which isn't good for a Jeep door.
Not a good sign that the pillar's green, huh?

I'm not accustomed to him reacting in an angry manner, though I do know the anger is centered on him and rarely anyone else. Thus are the joys of living with a neurotic man. I cease trying to intervene when he's angry--'cept to tell him, on occasion, not to be so mean to my best friend.

I was on the phone dealing with a crisis at work. He was having his own crisis.
When I got off the phone--there was no Brit.

That was over three hours ago.
The Jeep's still here--he'd slammed the keys on the counter when he was angry......and that's where they remain.
But he's gone.......somewhere.........

I've done four loads of laundry.
I vacummed the whole upstairs.
I cleaned out the cupboard under the sink.
I've torn apart the bed and I have the linen getting washed at I type.
I've managed to dust the livingroom and the study.

No sign of the Brit.

Ya know, he's never done that before.
But he's never left a job before either--not like he did yesterday.
And he's feeling pretty bad about it all..........like he's created some burden, like there's little he's doing 'right' at the moment.

The morning was a whole lot lighter than yesterday evening.
Leastwise it was.............until three hours ago.
And I'm missing a Brit.

I don't like this.

How futile the search.........

We think we know what will make us happy.
Seldom do we readily accept that painful moments are often the price tags for peaceful, happy times.
Nor do we appreciate that happiness lives within each of us; never is it intrinsic to the events we experience.
Because we look for happiness "out there" and expect it gift-wrapped in a particular way, we miss the joy of being fully alive each passing moment. How futile our search!
The way still isn't easy every step we take, but those fleeting moments when we can get outside of ourselves long enough to be fully attentive to the people in our lives, we'll find happiness.
We'll find it because it's been there all the time.
It flows between us when we open our hearts to give and to receive compassion.
Being truly there for another person is the key which unlocks the gate holding happiness back.

Stucksongitus

I woke up with Frank singing in my head.
I have no clue! LOL

I'm guessing it could be worse.
I KNOW it could be worse.

I've awakened to Kermit the Frog singing "It ain't easy being green" before, forgoodnesssakes.........
I ain't complaining it was Frank this morning, TRUST me!

I want to wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap
These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - New York, New York

*shaking head*
It's gonna be there ALL DAY......
Hope the Brit's feeling a bit on the forgiving side today! LOL

:-\

I'm not sure......
Comes a time when the program's not responding and you either keep trying options in hopes of making it work.........or you hit 'end task'.
Today the 'end task' button got hit.
And I'm not the one who hit it.
He did.
His fun little job turned not fun anymore.
So he left it today.
I'm not sure if I'm suppose to 'feel' something about that or not.
He sure does.
He's talked about it, rather tearfully, multiple times since I got home.
But he's looking at it as a burden for me.

We've talked about his happiness and peace being paramount before.

I'm sad he gave it up and didn't tell me.
Not the job, mind you............his happiness and his peace.
*hitting end task*

Worth Remembering

"Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be."

Gun to Head

Ya know, at one point during my life (a very longgggggg point in time) I require a 'gun to the head' to get stuff done. I wasn't exactly a willing, motivated person. I didn't see the need to do things the way other folks believed they 'ought' to be done. And I didn't believe them to be 'right' about it either.

Used to be that it took a whole LOT to solicit my 'cooperation'.
"Gun to head" is a good term.

Today, I'm much more cooperative--I even WANT to do 'right' things! *shudder* When did THAT happen?!
If someone--other than wisepersoninmylife(let's remember 6'7" fellas can 'take me'!)--used that technique today I'd shove that gun in a place where rust wouldn't happen cuz there'd be no oxygen! I don't respond well to threats and that kind of pressure.
I'll do whatever needs done--put the 'gun' away or you're apt to be eating it--or worse!

It amazes me that grown people would actually 'require' a "gun to head" motivation.
When I was 19--it was required.
I ain't 19..it ain't required...and I'm at a loss as to why it would BE required for someone to be responsible.
I GET why it was that way for me, given the nature of where I came from and some of the things that I didn't get in my life--coupled with some things I DID get.
I don't get how it's that way for others....GROWN others who apparently are inately and internally designed to respond to "gun to head".

Apparently they don't know the joys of "being responsible" yet?
ROFLMAO!!!!!!

Being responsible is a JOY?!
LOLOL

WHAT am I SAYING?!
Really.......what AM I saying?!?! LOL
Aren't I the gal who pulled a gun out of her purse during an A.A. meeting, stuck it to her head and threatened to pull the trigger if she had to listen to that man tell the same story ONE MORE TIME?!
LOL
Gun to head---
Yep.....
Oy.. LOL

Old People Alert!

Seriously....

I'm stealing this sign.

NOT that sign stealing is a new and innovative activity for me.....

I PAID for the ones I stole--many times over and in various ways. I had quite the array decorating my apartment walls, onceuponatime.
Wisepersoninmylife seemed to think that paying restitution was 'required'.
AND he made me give the signs BACK.
IN PERSON!
*insert obscene word*

He also thought it was required for me to pay for that police car I disassembled and then put in the bottom of a lake.

Spendy furniture--but awesome conversation pieces, lemme assure you! And those flashing lights--a HIT with acid music and felons in the making!

I digress! LOL

This sign--I must have.
I'd put it at the end of our driveway just so folks know what it is they're reckoning with!

What's a good street sign go for nowadays, anyway?
LOL

*shiver*

I went to Yahoo in search of a june bug and got the shivers.
I hate those darn things.

And the thought of opening this post to see the actual bug staring back at me was too ..... ACKY!
*shiver*
I can do spiders. We free spiders around this joint--catch 'em in a glass and turn 'em loose outside.
I can do snakes--heck, we have Thammy the Thnake as a pet!
I can do worms and slugs and even leaches.

I canNOT do june bugs.
*shiver and cringe*

I've been known to stand outside the door and holler for the light to be put out so I can bolt into the house. I lock up windows and turn off lights. LOL
And last night, whilest I'm happily at the computer--I heard that buzzzzzzz and the loud *plink plink* as it hit the window screen.
Yep--closed the window and turned off the light. LOL

*shiver and cringe and looking at goosebumps*

OMG...the June Bugs are here!
May they NOT live long or prosper......

QOTW 5/8

Whose intelligence do you find intimidating?

*thinking*

*frowning and thinking some more*

Oh boy.....

Now, I woulda said my previous boss, Jim--who could write and research and seemed to have this bottomlessness to his intellect, to his ability to learn and to his methods of passing on what he learned. Jim died a couple years back. I miss him sorely.

Today--
*thinking*
Maybe an engineering friend (literally--she's a systems engineer) who knows all sorts of things about 'things' and how they fit together to work.

*chuckling*
My own brain scares me LOTS--does that count?

New Alarm Clock

Say hello to Woody.

No, I didn't take the photo...too darn early and minus too much coffee to even think about grabbing a camera this morning. And I didn't rightly expect the alarm clock on a Sunday morning. Nor did I expect it to sound like some jackhammer over my head.

Yep--Woody decided that I'd overslept. Actually, I don't think it had anything to do with the hour and standing in as a substiture for my alarm clock.

I think it had to do with peanuts.......of which there are none in HIS beloved peanut feeder......... (reminder to self: MUST buy peanuts!)

I don't think I coulda got the angle anyway. I was craning my neck out the back door to see what the racket was--and there was Woody--happily drilling away on the gutter. On the GUTTER! Good grief--does he not realize that the gutter is made from aluminium?!

Oh, I'm thinkin' he probably does......
Undoubtedly he picked the noisiest spot he could to make his displeasure about the empty peanut feeder known.

MUST buy peanuts.
I just know how crazy I must have looked standing there in the backyard with my bedhair, laughing and shaking my head at 5:45 a.m.---in my jammies.........hollering at a woodpecker.....
LOL
Absolutely MUST buy peanuts!

FINALLY!!!!! I have dirt under my nails.....

Breakfast was good--what's not to like about those smalltown cafes that serve one mean and HUGE breakfast?!
And the park was okay.
The flowers were lovely. I did take a few photos of the flowers.
I had flowers on the brain though.
I had an agenda.
No photos of the cranes, or the river, or the gorgeous trees in full bloom.

Nope.
Flowers photos. That's it. LOL
Flowers on the brain--period.

I've been drooling over all the plants at the stores as of late, too.
Something or other has gotten in the way of actually buying any plants--'cept for a couple 'rescue' plants, ya know, replacement plants for those poor little plants that didn't make the harsh winter. May they rest in peace....

Geeze, even the girl got plants before I did. Probably cuz I bought them. LOL
(That doesn't count, though....they're HER plants.)
Between work and crappy weather and other obligations--we've just not made it to start what the Brit doesn't dare refer to as 'the sufferable journey of plant buying'. *chuckling*

Yes, I drag the Brit.
Poor allegy sufferer that he is......
He takes an Allegra D-24 Hours and puts up with the pollen cuz he knows I like plant buying.

And I'm like some kid in the freaking candy store! LOL

If some is good......MORE is better!!

I did tell him not to fret.
I only counted 28 planters this year.
That's as opposed to the 52 we had two years previous.
But I'm thinkin' I probably missed one or two.....maybe..probably! LOL I was a tad excited going out that door. I wasn't really counting. I was making it up as I went!

I know my eyes lit up when we went to look.
I had the cart and I was headed for the goods--missed everything he was saying to me! (I think it was something about meeting me at the plant section because he needed to pick up more allergy medications?)
But he found me and talked sense into me.
It wasn't that I had the cart full.....I hadn't even put one box in the cart.
But I had all sorts of grand plans going and I'm thinkin' I musta had some glazed look going on.

He asked if I had a 'limit' established.

Of COURSE--I had already fixed an 'allowance' for how much I was spending on plants.

"Good!"

"$400!" :-D

"Bad....."

Ready, set----buy plants!!!Wheeeeeeee!!!!

Okay, okay...so we only got petunias and some daiseys. And some allysum--and a butterfly plant....and dirt.
And some ivy.
And a few other pretty flowers whose names I can't remember.

Who cares! I played in DIRT!

I'm soooooo happy!
He's so happy I'm happy!

And I can't WAIT.....there'll be another shipment of MORE and DIFFERENT flowers this next week!
Wooooohoooooooooo!!!!!!!

He knew that though--hence the purchase of more Allegra-D.
Whadda guy!!

We're gonna LOOK at flowers......... :-)

The sun is out! The sun is out!!

This--after multiple days of cloudiness and rain galore--is something to celebrate!

We're celebrating BIG.
Okay, well, maybe not BIG.....but we're gonna go for breakfast and then to the park.

And then we're gonna LOOK at flowers.
LOOK, mind you.

*snickering*
Yeah, right.......It's rare I've 'LOOKED' at plants without purchasing. One invariably wants to come home with me.....or two..or six...

And we have one or two planters/pots that are just chomping at the bits to have flowers in 'em.

Okay--so that's more like 52 pots/planters.
AND we have a flowerbed or five.....or six.........or seven.....

So I don't do plants in moderation either! Hey!!........no one ever went to jail from having one too many plants, right?
*snickering* This is my rationalization and justification every year--and every year it's 'passed', albeit with a bit of eye rolling and head shaking.

*doing happy dance*
We're gonna plant flowers! We're gonna plant flowers!!

*looking around*
.........oops...........
Errrrrrrrrrr.......Ummm.......I meant to say we're going out for breakfast and to the park and to LOOK at flowers!

:-D

*twitching and salivating*

Something *evil* happens to me on Fridays.

No foolin'.
Dunno what it is.....

Maybe it's some form or misguided guilt, some piece of me that secretly longs to be a 'good little wifey'. LOL What're the chances of THAT?!

Yeah, yeah......well, SOMEthing happens.
I trudge through the grocery store and get groceries....(have I mentioned that I absolutely HATE grocery shopping?

I even *gasp* look up recipes. *looking around for witnesses* You spread that around and bad, BAD things are gonna happen to ya........just so ya know...........

I panic and try to find SOMEthing to bake for dinner.
You'll note the word is BAKE.
BAD, bad things happen when I 'cook'.

I don't know what the deal is.

'Cept....He works later than I do on Fridays.
'Course, he works later than I do on Mondays and Wednesdays, too--and this evil transformation doesn't happen THOSE days.......
But come Friday--*twitching and salivating* something EVIL happens..........

G'head...laugh if you must.

It can't be about guilt.
Why would one feel guilty on one day but not on the other two?
It's gotta be some quirky character defect or something.

*nodding*

I'll try surrendering and asking G-d to remove it.
I can't be doing this 'good little wifey' thing.
I have a reputation to maintain ya know!

*twitching and salivating and going to check the oven*

*chuckling*

Not feeling compelled to say alot to that.......
LOL

Reasons for Smilin' on Friday........

I'm bettin' the last one gottcha for sure.........