Death by coffee.........

The laptop.
NOT me.

I can go through a bazillion cups of coffee and still be kickin'.
But give a laptop a sip.......very bad things happen.

Upsidedown, left to recover in the air for a good 24 hours.
No 'm' key, half the 'shift' for the letters don't work.........and worse yet--when I tried to reboot the darn thing, it chirped at me and refused to boot up.
Yes, I know........very, very bad thing.

*humming Taps*

The good news--there's more than one computer in this house.
The bad news........the girl has the Mac Notebook ('borrowed' it a year ago.....LOL) and I had no laptop 'to go'.
Yep.....'HAD'.

I'm so anal. LOL
Dead laptop=go get another one.

It's shiny. I'll give it that.
And it's got blue lights all over the place.......bells, whistles.........memory galore......

Now.......where did I put that Saran Wrap that I was gonna cover the keyboard with.........

TFTD

The older you get the more you realize that kindness is synonymous with happiness.

--Lionel Barrymore

QOTW 3/9

How many clocks do you have in your house that need to be changed?

k.....that NEED to be, or that are GONNA be changed?

Right.

Alarm clock next to the bed. (changed!)
Other alarm clock on the other side of the bed. (himself's.....he can change it...LOL)

ANOTHER alarm clock--in the guest room. (I'll get around to it, eventually.....)

Kitchen clock. (Yep.....I took care of that this morning!)
Clock on the stove.......(whenever..LOL)
Clock on the microwave. (Who cares! We're timin' stuff when we zap it, not keeping track of the day!)

DVD thingy....(will remain forever set to whatever time it currently says cuz I have no clue and no interest in learnin'.....)
Television clock. (Never check the time on the television, never watch it.........himself will fiddle with it and grumble......LOL....it's his deal!)
Computers and cell phones--(They take care of themselves, thank goodness!)

Weird lookin' dot clock thingy that talks 'puter language. (I'm not allowed to touch..LOL)
Phone/answering machine clock.......(another task for himself--hopefully when I'm outta the house......)

Car and Jeep.....(He can do his--I'll wave at mine and laugh.)
Watch. (Done!)

:-)

All that it is.....

Not your 'normal, conjur it up in your head, first image' of an eagle.
Bit young still......not quite growed up into all that it can be.
But still soaring in the blue......still trying to make it's way towards all that it IS.

Bit like me.
Not quite all growed up into all that I AM.

Bit like the diagnosis.....not quite evolved into all that it could be.
I'll be ingesting medications to keep it that way.....leastwise that's the hope and aspiration.
Truth be told, that's my hope and aspiration as well.
I really don't wanna do this.
Good thing it's not required that I haffta 'wanna' do something to actually DO it.
But 'this' is a whole lot better than what it could be...what it could grow out of control to be.

I'll work on becoming all that I AM.
Let's let this evolve into all that it's welcome to BE in my body.

And in the meantime--I'll work on the growing up bit.

Oh wait........LOL
Like THAT'LL happen!

Today's TFTD

Many days we are tempted to ask Why?

Why did this happen to me?

Why was I singled out?

Why am I not a different person?

But the whys lead only to clever explanations and rationalizations of what we do or what we are.

The question for us is not Why....but How?

We ask how to learn and how to approach life differently; the "how" can give us a deeper understanding.

"How" will lead to everything needed for personal growth....."Why" is irrelevant.

LAST time......

k......I'm gonna whine just this ONE time.

And then I'll be done.
Promise!

*waving mittened hand from under the 74.5 inches of snow this winter season*

PICK ME! PICK ME!!!

The Awakening......

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK.
They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.
You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple.
You begin to care for it and treat it with respect.
You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul.

So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault.
It's just life happening.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

.....human kindness

He who distributes the milk of human kindness cannot help but spill a little on himself.

--James Barrie

*going to fill up a glass*

I sure hope this works.

I'm guessin' dumpin' it on myself is a shot in the dark....LOL....but *shrugs* I'm willing! LOL

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!

Reminder.....

Success comes not from seeking to uncover some exotic hidden formula, but rather through persistently following through on opportunities to create value.

*sighing*

<----gonna kick the reading fairy's hind end this morning....

Yes, I know PEACE is a good thing.
And yep, I know that nothing really gets accomplished by worrying about it.
I still reserve the right to worry about those things which......worry me.
k.....which I allow myself TO worry about.

Borrowin' troubles....yep, I know this.
Accomplishes nuffin'......I know this, too.

Disrupts and cheats me and other people.
k....it's the other people thingy that I don't like.
*sigh*

Wishing you peace......

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears.

In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic.

We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset.

We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace.

Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state.

Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution.

It does not help to harbor turmoil.

It does not help.

Peace is available if we choose it.

In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well.

Things will work out.

QOTW 3/5

What are the most disturbing sounds for you?

The most?

The sound of someone being struck.
The sound of a vehicle screeching and hitting something,

Both make my heart stop and make my blood go cold.
Nothing good comes from either sound and my heart knows it.

Cabin Fever

It's hit.

No. I mean it's REALLY hit.

A couple weeks doing part days cuz of the flu, missin' time from the stupid hamstring---and then there's been the cruddy weather.
Have I mentioned that it keeps snowin' like crazy over here?
Yeah, well it has....

Today's 'occasional flurries with no accumulation' turned into two inches of snow. *muttering about the weathermen*

That weather seems to be on an every other day kick.......which means you're either preparing for the snow or cleanin' up the snow.....which means you STAY HOME on the weekends.....which has been 'okay' given how I've been feeling physically.

Only......*looking around for the jinx* now I'm starting to feel better.

And dare I say I want OUT of this freakin' house!

Work's been a good thing--separates his jerms from her jerms (yup, that's 'jerms with a j'), at least momentarily.
And yesterday required me to drive to the main office for a lovely meeting.

....k.....I hate the darn meeting cuz it's managers and SOME folks are into prestige and hearin' themselves talk. (this from a woman who talks to herself ALL THE TIME....LOL)

NEEDLESS to say--it'd been over four weeks since I'd been to that meeting....and I actually WANTED to go.
OMgosh......I don't believe I admitted that in black and white.

I WANTED to go to the meeting.

Contact with new and different human beings!

And I got OUT of the territory I'd been held hostage in for over four weeks.

Suddenly it's a thrill to go to a meeting I dislike?!

OMG......I must still be sick.......

Enough!

The greatest gift we can bring to any relationship wherever we go is being who we are.

We may think others won't like us.

We may be afraid that if we just relax and be ourselves, the other person will go away or shame us.

We may worry about what the other person will think.

But, when we relax and accept ourselves, people often feel much better being around us than when we are rigid and repressed.

We're fun to be around.

Giving ourselves permission to be who we are can have a healing influence on our relationships.

The tone relaxes.

We relax.

The other person relaxes.

Who we are is all we can be, all were meant to be, and it's enough.

Reminder from the fairy....

You are vitally and uniquely important.

But that does not make you more important than others.

Your thoughts, ideas and actions have the power to transform.

But that doesn't give you the right to overwhelm.

Instead, it gives you the opportunity and responsibility to serve.

The inevitable phone call....

Mick called yesterday a fine freaking mess.

Mel.....please.....talk to him. He listens to you. He respects you.

He listens to his own lies, Mick....and buys them. That's the disease in action....and the disease respects no one.

Please, Mel. Please. He's known you forever. He knows you care about his life.

She's right. I do care about his life.

*sigh*

16 years.....

He and I had a heated moment a couple months ago when I saw something really, really ugly rearing its head.

He tried to laugh and lie his way out of it.........and then did that 'crazy makin' stuff with me to try to keep me 'over there', far away from the truth of his innerworkings.

That didn't stop me from speaking what was true for me and looking him square in the eye while I did it.
Cocky, shaking his head --and finally the confrontation after several sharing moments by me.....he gave me one of those 'makes me wanna run away cuz there's icky stuff in there' hugs and suggested I go '*%#!' myself.

Quietly whispered, of course.....but I heard the disease loud and clear.

16 years and the answer was to buy the lies and do what he knows (somewhere in him) will cost him his wife and his life.

Mick's scramblin' to find anything that'll give her husband back to her.

He's not scramblin' yet.

I told Mick I'd talk with him...and I will....

But I refuse to scramble.
I know well enough that's what the disease would like me to do.

I'll wait......

And I'll let G-d do the takin' care of, today.

(hear that, Big Guy?......do your stuff......)

Amen.

Monday's TFTD

I wish I were big enough to admit all my shortcomings,
Brilliant enough to accept praise without it making me arrogant,
Tall enough to tower over dishonesty,
Strong enough to welcome criticism,
Compassionate enough to understand human frailties,
Wise enough to recognize mistakes,
Humble enough to appreciate greatness,
Brave enough to stand by my friends,
Human enough to be thoughtful of my neighbor,
And spiritual enough to be devoted to the love of G-d.

Amen

One thought....

"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown; and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far." ~ Erica Mann Jong

Line crossin'.......

I have 'lines' in relationships......ones that I will NOT tolerate being crossed.
I suppose most folks call 'em 'boundaries' -- I call them lines.....the 'thou shalt nots' interpersonally between myself and the other person(s).

Because I involve myself in the lives of a whole lot of people who have a whole host of stuff going on....it's always necessary to keep the 'lines' clear.
There's no mistaking the 'line'......there's no squiggle room, they're not open for interpretation.
Black and white, clear and concise.....concrete and simple.
DO NOT go there with me.....period.
It's never been open for discussion or debate.
Period.
Do NOT go there.
Frankly, there's a whole lot of places you can go....but do not go THERE.

Could be the other person lied to themselves and thought it would be flattering.
Could be that they lied to themselves and said it would be welcomed and reciprocated.
It wasn't....it won't be......it was line crossing---pure and simple.
And frankly, whatever motivated it isn't any of my concern.
My role is clear....my 'job' is clear....my lines are NOT moveable or moving.

And I won't be working with or seeing this person individually again.

There's this huge part of me that's sad. There's a role in this person's life that I'm very equipt to serve in. There are things I could have been giving away to them.....places I could have touched and gifts I could have bestowed upon them.
I don't get to do that now.
And maybe the gift is that someone else will get to now.



I'm sure it's appropriate to be madder than a hornet that the lines were crossed......but all I am is sadder than sad.....

TFTD

In the places I go there are things that I see

That I never could spell if I stopped with the Z.

I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my friends.

My alphabet starts where your alphabet ends!

... So, on beyond Z!

It's high time you were shown

That you really don't know

All there is to be known.

~ Dr. Seuss