Go figure....

To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a constant state of suspension; and I miss all those moments that pass. They never come back to be experienced again.--Kathleen Tierney Crilly

The steps we are taking today will never again be taken in exactly the same way.

The thoughts we are thinking are fresh, never to be repeated.

All that these moments offer will never pass our way again.

We each have to grab our own happiness, create our own richness through experiences.

We may share what we capture with loved ones, but like us, they too must search their own avenues for the satisfaction that lasts.

We can neither give happiness to another, like a gift, nor expect it in return.

The fullness of life we all long for is the natural byproduct of living every moment as fully as possible.

I will cherish every moment today.

Each one is special and will not visit me again.

Send him angels....

(Just fingers to keyboard.....probably a good plan.)

There's a family out there tonight that's gathered.....saddened and scared.

They've given dad three months--probably less given the infiltration of the cancers. The whole of the digestive system is filled with it. They'll probably see him starve to death before the cancer takes him. By then, it's merely details--they'll still lose their dad, their husband, their grandfather...

People are angry, disillusioned, frightened and mortified....scrambling to gather their thoughts and deal with the ending of a life that they'd always known, daring to hold on to hope while dancing with the truth they've been presented, talking physicians, specialists and hospitals in other places....

And the dad deals in facts and works hard to persevere on what's where, who needs notified, where the paperwork is....and where he put that key to the safe deposit box.

No one's screaming at him, though they want to.

Some silently curse their G-d.

One exits the room.

Another follows.

And another.

And the dad carries on with the details.

It's what he can do. It's the best he can do.

But this moment will pass.

He'll arrive at another moment.....alone with only his thoughts and the truth....

And the fear that's running the world around him will find him.

Send him angels, please.

*ahem*

Life is a Gentle Teacher.
She wants to help us learn.
The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn.
Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born.
Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning.

It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension.
We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand.
We strain and strain.
We become angry.
Frustrated.
Confused.
Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.

Quietly, most times when we stop trying to figure it out, the gift of understanding reaches that deepest place in us.
We understand.
We have learned.
The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing.
It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on.

It seems so easy . . . now.
Life is a Gentle Teacher.
She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn.
It is okay to become frustrated.
Confused.
Angry.
Sometimes it is okay to despair.
Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.

It shall.
~~~
Have I ever mentioned that I paid someone to do my math in college?
Yeah....well, I did.
~~~
Having too high expectations is a set-up for disappointment. Expectations that are high lend themselves to a fantasy life, and reality can never match our fantasies. When we get hooked on the fantasies, somehow thinking they are reality, or should be reality, we are vulnerable to the hurt that accompanies the emergence of "the real." Then we feel cheated - bitter: "Why did this have to happen to me?"

Having too high expectations was a familiar feeling before recovery. And it remains familiar to us, even now. Dreams and aspirations aren't wrong. In fact, they beckon us on to better and greater things. But dreams of what we can become through responsible choices are quite different from idle expectations of what will or should be.
~~~
AND:
~~~
"Poor little ol' me." The PLOMS. How often do we succumb to this temptation? Usually it's an excuse for not doing what we know we should do, but do not want to do. Or it's a way to manipulate someone else into doing something for us, which we should be doing ourselves. If we spend our time moaning and groaning about how unfairly life is treating us, we do not have much chance of discovering the glory in it all.
~~~

*tossing the books*
Someone keeps messin' with MY plans......

TFTD

The battle to keep up appearances unnecessarily, the mask--whatever name you give creeping perfectionism--robs us of our energies.--Robin Worthington

How familiar we are with trying to be someone other than ourselves; someone more exciting, we think, or sexier, or smarter.

We have probably devoted a great deal of energy to this over the years.

It's likely that we are growing more content with ourselves now.

However, aren't there still situations in which we squirm, both because we want to project a different image, and because we resent our desire to do so?

We each have been blessed with unique qualities.

There is no other person just like ourselves.

We each have special features that are projected in only one way, the way we alone project them.

Knowing that we are perfect as we are is knowledge that accompanies groth.

How much easier life is, how much more can be gained from each moment, when we meet each experience in the comfort of our real selves.

The added gift of simply being ourselves is that we'll really hear, see, and understand others for the first time in our lives.

Every once in a while I get a 'delivery' that makes me go 'hmmmmm...'.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Uh huh........everybody sing!!

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy

Hello lamppost, what'cha knowing
I've come to watch your flowers growin'
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doo-it in doo doo, feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life I love you, all is groovy

:-)
I like being a human jukebox.
REALLY......I do!
;-)

And I really, really, REALLY like that the girl not only fixed my 'putery stuff.....but she brought me brownies, too.
(you'd think she knew I was pouting over the lost brownies, wouldntcha? LOL)

*mumbling*

Oh......and I'm not talkin' to the reading fairies this morning either.

"Pain stretches us. It pushes us toward others. It encourages us to pray. It invites us to rely on many resources, particularly those within.We develop our character while handling painful times. Pain offers wisdom."

Did anyone ask ME if I wanted to 'develop my character'?!
Hmmmmmmmmmph!

*grumbling*

I cannot reply to a message board I frequent.
I cannot open two other sites that I'm accustomed to reading daily.
If IE sends me one more 'error report', I'm gonna-------*muttering*

I'm so flipping cranky about this that I've rung the girl and told her to come fix it, or come TAKE it.
Now, granted, this 'puter's just about three months old.
Don't care, don't care, DON'T CARE!

*grumbling and muttering*

Sleeping with Bread

Best thing/worst thing for the week:

Ya know.......ONCE AGAIN I'm reminded that the most clear, connected, peacefilled moments in my life come when I'm being of service to other people.

WHY I let go of that knowledge and run around begging, pleading, bargaining and screaming my head off at the Big Guy TRYING to get answers/clarity/direction instead of doing what works.........dunno........
HOW that works....I don't have a clue about either. I only know it does work.
Wisepersoninmylife told me eons ago...(and continues to tell me cuz I'm a slow learner, apparently) "get outta precious little MEMEME for ten freaking minutes and GO HELP SOMEONE, already!!!!!!"
I can stay stuck like a duck in the muck realllllllllll easy.
And the answer is so simple.
"Go help someone else."


I'm grateful it's that darn simple.
And I'm poofy it's that darn simple and I still seem to have a 'habit' of complicating it.

This week I've had multiple, multiple opportunities to get outta precious little MEMEME and reach out to someone.
I'm really grateful for having all those opportunities availed to me.
Anytime I get an opportunity to extend myself, the payback is a thousand fold.

WHY I moan and groan about the hour, about the 'woe is me' of another person who can't for the life of them SEE the goodness in their life, the 'inconvenience' cuz 'I had other plans (which are generally selfishly all about what I wanna be doing)-- *sigh*
I need to shush up already.

It's where I get connected.
Good grief......it's where my PASSION is.

I 'heard myself' multiple times this week when I was fully present for someone else.
And I knew what I needed to do with that thing, that 'stuff' that was keeping me 'stuck like a duck in the muck'.

Best thing of the week--shutting up about my own stuff long enough to go help someone with theirs.
Worst thing--not shutting up about my own stuff long enough to go help someone with theirs.

Wallworks

An old wooden silverware organizer. Don't ask.... I had a creative moment and redefined it's usefullness.

It seems to be at home in the 'guest room'.

No worries.......I have loads more 'little things' to put in it if I so desire. I'm forever finding bitty things and snatching 'em up.

And apparently I have this thing for birdie houses. *shrugs* The tops of windows are kinda boring without 'stuff'. Himself doesn't agree......but he lets me do what I will. (like he'd stop me? LOL)

Amazing....... the things I'll do while listening to the Eagles. ;-)

Takin' it easy.....

It's a leisurely Sunday and I've got a DVD on (heaven help me cuz I don't know how to shut it off. LOL).

But what's to complain about?

When you can listen to the likes of this great piece..... who cares if it plays over and over and over again?

Affirmations for use of a squirtgun

Make yourself feel good.

It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good.

We have a responsibility to create a good life for ourselves.

We don't have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good.

Basking in the sun, exercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good.

We each have our list.

If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.

When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list.

Then, do it frequently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Take it away at once," stormed the Princess, stamping her tiny foot in its embroidered slipper. "I hate real flowers; their petals fall off and they die."--Hans Christian Andersen

If love is reserved for things that never die, love is doomed to die.

If flowers fade in a minute or two, will not stones wear to sand in time?

Even this earth, this garden of life, one day will be like the dust of stars.

We must walk gratefully, carefully on it now.

Now is the lifetime that passes here, now is the best of all days; now is the flower's eternity in the sun, our chance of a lifetime.

This is all we have, this moment.

Within it, anything can be done, any dream fulfilled, if we only use it well.

Why hold back?

My piece of the brownies

I was half way home when I knew I'd be going back.
Sometimes you just 'know' where you're suppose to be and what you're suppose to be doing.

Rick's sad.
I haven't seen him since last summer. That's probably acceptable considering the distance between here and there, his schedule and ours--the circumstances of our lives.
It was even more understandable when he wrapped me up for a bearhug and confessed how many times he'd started to dial the number to chat with me--and hung up before it rang. I wondered if it was fear of me 'taking sides'--
I'm done wondering. I don't rightly care what got in the way then. What matters is what happens today. And there's only one 'side' to take.
His.

Yaknow.....I could feel that huge sadness, the wandering away from all that he IS in that hug. It made my heart hurt. He didn't need to say a darn thing.
He didn't have to tell me about letting T. back into his life. He didn't have to tell me about Linda. He didn't have to tell me about the guilt and shame and fear that he'd bought into that brought him back to 'this place'.
All he had to do was wrap me up for a bearhug.

And all I had to ask was "Where did all that Rick IS.......go?"

I'll go back and join the fellas for dinner.
It's an hours drive--but I know I get to go back cuz I have a couple things to ask--a couple things to remind Rick about all that Rick IS.

Well, that and I forgot to get my piece of the brownies.........

*waving bye bye*

What's up with that?

You get 'em all baked up pretty and they leave the house without so much as a second thought.
Those brownies--gone.
All of 'em.

Okay, yeah, yeah.....so I made 'em to go with the Brit to his 'doings' today.
But you'da thought at least ONE brownie woulda wanted to stay with me, wouldn't ya?

Oh no.
Happily packed away in the Jeep--and off they went.
What WAS I thinking?!
I shoulda cut 'em up and arranged 'em all pretty on a platter.
Well, not ALL of 'em.....all of 'em but the one or two I was sorta kinda looking forward to taste testing.
Just a little piece. I don't even like chocolate--but if you bake something you oughta make sure the product isn't gonna poison someone or something, right?

Did I cut 'em up and arrange 'em all pretty on a platter?
Noooooooooooo.

*shaking head*
I'm losing my touch.
Himself even asked if they oughta be cut up.

What was I thinking?!
'Nah....they'll travel easier in the pans.'?!!
What's up with that?!

k......
THAT'S IT.
I'm getting a shower and going to the early meeting so I can drop into his doings and give my regards to the fellas.
It's the polite thing to do to show interest in his doings, dontchathink?
And just for the record......it has nothing to do with snagging a brownie.
LOLOL
LIAR liar pants on fire!

Oh goodie....a double whammy fairy.

Whose presence can I appreciate today?

When we hold a piece of crystal to the light, it paints rainbows on the wall. When we tap it lightly with a spoon, it sings like a bell.
But when we drop it, it shatters in colorless, silent pieces on the floor.

Human beings are as multi-faceted as that piece of crystal.
And it's especially easy to forget what makes people we live with or have known for a long time shine or sing.
We can take for granted the very qualities that made them special to us in the first place.

When we forget how to see and hear the people we love, how to appreciate them, we grow careless.
Too often, from sheer neglect, the relationship between us grows dull and silent, then slips, falls, and shatters.

Whose presence can I appreciate today?


Not to be outdone by:

Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl?

It'll keep right on whirling.
It'll stay right on track with no help from us.
And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place on it.

Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been known to try to exert.
In fact, controlling gives other people, events..... control over us.
Whatever we try to control does have control over our life and us.

I have given this control to many things and people in my life.
I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people.

What I received for my efforts was an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in external events.

The Brownie Solution

One pan of brownies with mint chocolate topping---done.

And one woulda thought that woulda been sufficient.
But ooooohhhhhh noooooo.....

If some is good---more is better?
Second pan of double chunk brownies, baking as I type.
Cuz what if folks don't like mint chocolate on top of their brownies?
I mean, how uncool would it be to pick off the topping?

*nodding*
Besides.....with TWO pans, when some gets ate, more will be left?
G-d help me........that makes SENSE to me!

A G-d's Eye View....

What if the interests of the self were expanded to ... a God's eye view of the human scene ... accepting failure as being as natural an occurrence as success in the stupendous human drama... as little cause for worry and concern as having to play the role of a loser in a summer theater performance.--Huston Smith

Oh yippee.

"Generosity with strings isn't generosity--it's a 'deal'."

Just in case you were wondering.
I WASN'T wondering when I got to hear that.
And I had to check motives.

Checking motives sometimes suck, quite frankly.
I get to learn some things about myself that I might not necessarily feel 'up to' learning.
And yippee-skippy........I 'get to' be honest.
For a 'liar, thief and cheat', this isn't necessarily one of my 'funnest' responsiblities.
I 'get to' be honest, nonetheless. (please note that the 'get to' is really a blessing in disguise--cuz there was a time when I couldn't/wouldn't have been honest with myself......I didn't have a clue how TO be honest or what honesty was all about)

Queen Fairy reminded me of that this morning. (though it's not like I needed the reminder....though obviously I needed the humility)
Even my bestest looking actions can reek with ulterior, self-serving motives.
Such is the end result of doing that inventory taking at the end of the day.
(I can hear wisepersoninmylife "YOUR best thinking...YOUR best thinking?!??)
You either get honest with yourself and take care of the business at hand, or you stockpile a whole pile of stinky motives and end up not liking what you see in the mirror and eventually find yourself 'ducking lower and running faster' from the Big Guy.....at least that's where it eventually ends up for me. Wisepersoninmylife and I both know this well.

Yesterday I packaged something really neatly.
I know how to do that. Wrap up crap in a box, put a pretty little bow on it and hand it off as a gift to be treasured. "Oh look at the emporer's pretty clothes!"--that sorta deal. And by virtue of my relationship with that person I handed it off to, I got the "wow....is that a cool set of threads!" as a response.
Untrue.
Sucky motives.
I lied and handed off a box of crap with a pretty bow. And how generous of me to do that. (*gak!*)

*sigh*
I wasn't honest and I was far from generous.
It was dishonest and I made a deal without saying I was making a deal.

First thing this morning (at what other's deem as a 'decent hour'), I'll rectify that.
Cuz it's not enough to know what I know and move on to do it different next time. OHHHHhhhh no. (knowing and not doing is worser than not knowing, dontchaknow)
Back I go with hat in hand with "I'm sorry" being a full sentence...
Gee.
It wasn't enough to get 'that look' from wisepersoninmylife.......OR to put it in writing and get to look at it again........OR to get thumped with the Queen Fairy's wand....
I 'get to' go practice humility....... AGAIN!
YIPPEE!!!!!

"Yes thankyou, I'd like some cheese with that w(h)ine......."

The Queen Fairy

"Honesty" without compassion and understanding is not honest, but subtle hostility.--Rose N. Frarnzblau

Any good thing can be used in hurtful or destructive ways.

Our growth is based on a fundamental premise of honesty.

But our honesty becomes distorted and hurtful when we are not in tune with our motivations.

A man who contradicts another to feel superior rather than to be helpful is being hostile.

If we criticize people about things they cannot change, we are only hurting them.

In making amends, we should not approach people who are better off without our contact, or who are better off without our confessions.

As we grow, we encounter more parts of ourselves that may be hurtful.

We need to accept those parts too, not condemn ourselves for being human, and not hide our destructive impulses from ourselves.

Then our honesty with ourselves and with others will not be tainted by dishonest motives.

I got to thinkin'........

I know.

The very fact that 'I got to thinkin'......'-- is a frightening concept.
But honestly....I did have a thought.
A thought stirred up by a 'read'.

What if I barged myself into a weblog that genuinely wasn't one purposed for that at all?
What if I didn't ASK the owner/author/human being to be allowed to participate in their life?
Cuz I haven't in all cases.
Some, yes........
ALL............no...........

How wrong of me to simply assume that my participation would be something the other person would want.

Geeze, that's a pretty egocentric conclusion on my part.
And yes, I know there's a function on weblogs to make them 'private'.
But what IF, yaknow?

I have a habit--and it's one I've developed for myself....
I land somewhere.
I get some feel of connectedness.
I read.
And I read.
And I read some more.

But I don't make a habit of asking.
And gosh golly, I need to.

And an apology to those I made the decision FOR needs to be made......here and now.

Accepting my participation isn't mandatory or obligatory. And it's wrong of me and FOR ME to barge into the lives of others who might not want that (for whatever personal reason).

Cuz gosh...what IF?


As for others participation in this little piece of my life......purely optional, humbly welcomed and enjoyed immensely.

Oh, LOOK!!

No really........

It is a chicken.

Yeah, yeah.....g'head and razz me. He's sitting on our kitchen counter and that's where he's staying!

Yeah, yeah....I admit it!
It was deliberate, calculative AND self-serving on my part.
I figured I'd best beat himself to it.
Smart move on my part. Cuz when I pulled him out and plonked him on the counter, himself confessed to his own plans for locating a chicken. His, I fear, woulda been a bit more..........twisted. LOL

I have Zelda the chicken who is safely tucked in the backseat of the car, still. Silver beads and all! She's become a permanent fixture and is THE greatest travel companion. (let's me sing AS loud and AS offkey as I like without even so much as a squawk....)

Yep.
A chicken. On our kitchen counter.

He's fluffy, he's tossable and I'm feeling very safe........ cuz I KNOW he'll be tossed about (more like 'at me') during a 'chicken moment'.
Face it.
It was all very, VERY self serving! LOL

Himself thinks he needs a name.
I rather like leaving him-- 'A Chicken'.

Oh...........and the Brit tells me HE has to be a SHE.
*rolling eyes*
He needs to get OUT of that box he keeps himself in!
A Chicken IS a boy chicken.
Geeze. He thinks I didn't LOOK?!!