Scattered.....

Seriously--I have to land in some sort of routine.

This lack of structure/routine is crazy.
What I used to do in the morning is now shoved back a couple of hours so I can get to work at the usual time and still do the (almost) hour drive.  Only I'm NOT doing the 'normal' stuff in the morning.  My arse is dragging from so little sleep that I try to buy a bit more time before I actually get out of bed and start going.  That means something has to go while I whiz around and try to get ready to get to work.
NOT working.
I might see three hours of sleep if you wipe out the tossing turning actually trying to get to sleep--and throw in multiple  times I'm waking up because of pain or some darn thing.
It's interrupted sleep. And it ain't 'replenishing' or 'restful'.

So, I try to sneak in another hour of staying in bed cuz I'm weary.
And then I'm up and zipping around, shoving coffee in while I'm trying to get stuff rounded up to get to the office 'over there'. NOT working.  Absolutely NOT working.

Everything is a bit 'off' as a result of that.
I don't get my 'quiet time'.
I'm battling my own attitude and fears all day long.
And I don't FEEL centered--I'm 'off'...not quite connected to do whatever gets placed in front of me.  And I'm getting 'stuck' on the darnedest things as a result, battling to get past stupid stuff that normally doesn't get a whole lot of air time in my head.

I'm not exactly sure what the answer is--other than 'suck it up'.  I'm freaking tired and 'rest' is just elusive.  But it's been elusive for a long time, so it's nothing really 'new'. I've been doing this level of crappy sleep for 17 months.
So really.....today, right now....More likely it's the 'emotional baggage' I'm lugging around with me, day in day out.

I've been a big girl about all the 'stuff' that's transpired at the work site.  And I've been hugely grateful that there's a usefulness for me in other places.  I rather like the information network I get to play in--and apparently I'm fairly 'okay' at it.
But that doesn't negate how I think and what I 'feel' about what I'm NOT getting to do today.

There's the baggage that I've lugged around and not dove into.

Feeling and thinking and dealing in that loss doesn't mean I'm not grateful.  I can KNOW that...and still not allow myself to BE that.
I don't wanna be sad.  And I don't wanna look at the loss of something that was so 'central' to my usefulness to others for a very long time.  I get opportunities day after day after day....
My role in the workplace wasn't the ONLY place I was 'used' in service to others.
I've grown enough to know that what I'm graced to DO--doesn't define me or determine my worth and value.

Dunno.....  maybe it's just the upsidedownness of the routine that's zapping me of what used to be a pretty 'centered' life.  Or maybe it's the whole ball of wax and I need to be demanding solutions in places that no real/easy 'solution' exists?

Yeah......well.... until things get 'figured out' in my own head--there are things that I can change, that I DO have some 'power' over.
Which means getting a routine figured out and retraining myself.

*laughing*  Like I'm train-able?!
Lots of people would argue that fact.....