It was a long walk......

Only took near five hours.
I'm not sure what he solved for himself...

I'm just glad he's home.



And if he does that again, I'm gonna deck him.

Oddly enough--I do think I mean that.

*heavy sigh*

The phone rang just as he came in the house to ask if I'd seen what he'd done to the Jeep. Nope--but I'd heard the noise. I assumed it wasn't pretty. It would seem he opened his door into the carport pillar--which isn't good for a Jeep door.
Not a good sign that the pillar's green, huh?

I'm not accustomed to him reacting in an angry manner, though I do know the anger is centered on him and rarely anyone else. Thus are the joys of living with a neurotic man. I cease trying to intervene when he's angry--'cept to tell him, on occasion, not to be so mean to my best friend.

I was on the phone dealing with a crisis at work. He was having his own crisis.
When I got off the phone--there was no Brit.

That was over three hours ago.
The Jeep's still here--he'd slammed the keys on the counter when he was angry......and that's where they remain.
But he's gone.......somewhere.........

I've done four loads of laundry.
I vacummed the whole upstairs.
I cleaned out the cupboard under the sink.
I've torn apart the bed and I have the linen getting washed at I type.
I've managed to dust the livingroom and the study.

No sign of the Brit.

Ya know, he's never done that before.
But he's never left a job before either--not like he did yesterday.
And he's feeling pretty bad about it all..........like he's created some burden, like there's little he's doing 'right' at the moment.

The morning was a whole lot lighter than yesterday evening.
Leastwise it was.............until three hours ago.
And I'm missing a Brit.

I don't like this.

How futile the search.........

We think we know what will make us happy.
Seldom do we readily accept that painful moments are often the price tags for peaceful, happy times.
Nor do we appreciate that happiness lives within each of us; never is it intrinsic to the events we experience.
Because we look for happiness "out there" and expect it gift-wrapped in a particular way, we miss the joy of being fully alive each passing moment. How futile our search!
The way still isn't easy every step we take, but those fleeting moments when we can get outside of ourselves long enough to be fully attentive to the people in our lives, we'll find happiness.
We'll find it because it's been there all the time.
It flows between us when we open our hearts to give and to receive compassion.
Being truly there for another person is the key which unlocks the gate holding happiness back.

Stucksongitus

I woke up with Frank singing in my head.
I have no clue! LOL

I'm guessing it could be worse.
I KNOW it could be worse.

I've awakened to Kermit the Frog singing "It ain't easy being green" before, forgoodnesssakes.........
I ain't complaining it was Frank this morning, TRUST me!

I want to wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap
These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - New York, New York

*shaking head*
It's gonna be there ALL DAY......
Hope the Brit's feeling a bit on the forgiving side today! LOL

:-\

I'm not sure......
Comes a time when the program's not responding and you either keep trying options in hopes of making it work.........or you hit 'end task'.
Today the 'end task' button got hit.
And I'm not the one who hit it.
He did.
His fun little job turned not fun anymore.
So he left it today.
I'm not sure if I'm suppose to 'feel' something about that or not.
He sure does.
He's talked about it, rather tearfully, multiple times since I got home.
But he's looking at it as a burden for me.

We've talked about his happiness and peace being paramount before.

I'm sad he gave it up and didn't tell me.
Not the job, mind you............his happiness and his peace.
*hitting end task*

Worth Remembering

"Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be."

Gun to Head

Ya know, at one point during my life (a very longgggggg point in time) I require a 'gun to the head' to get stuff done. I wasn't exactly a willing, motivated person. I didn't see the need to do things the way other folks believed they 'ought' to be done. And I didn't believe them to be 'right' about it either.

Used to be that it took a whole LOT to solicit my 'cooperation'.
"Gun to head" is a good term.

Today, I'm much more cooperative--I even WANT to do 'right' things! *shudder* When did THAT happen?!
If someone--other than wisepersoninmylife(let's remember 6'7" fellas can 'take me'!)--used that technique today I'd shove that gun in a place where rust wouldn't happen cuz there'd be no oxygen! I don't respond well to threats and that kind of pressure.
I'll do whatever needs done--put the 'gun' away or you're apt to be eating it--or worse!

It amazes me that grown people would actually 'require' a "gun to head" motivation.
When I was 19--it was required.
I ain't 19..it ain't required...and I'm at a loss as to why it would BE required for someone to be responsible.
I GET why it was that way for me, given the nature of where I came from and some of the things that I didn't get in my life--coupled with some things I DID get.
I don't get how it's that way for others....GROWN others who apparently are inately and internally designed to respond to "gun to head".

Apparently they don't know the joys of "being responsible" yet?
ROFLMAO!!!!!!

Being responsible is a JOY?!
LOLOL

WHAT am I SAYING?!
Really.......what AM I saying?!?! LOL
Aren't I the gal who pulled a gun out of her purse during an A.A. meeting, stuck it to her head and threatened to pull the trigger if she had to listen to that man tell the same story ONE MORE TIME?!
LOL
Gun to head---
Yep.....
Oy.. LOL

Old People Alert!

Seriously....

I'm stealing this sign.

NOT that sign stealing is a new and innovative activity for me.....

I PAID for the ones I stole--many times over and in various ways. I had quite the array decorating my apartment walls, onceuponatime.
Wisepersoninmylife seemed to think that paying restitution was 'required'.
AND he made me give the signs BACK.
IN PERSON!
*insert obscene word*

He also thought it was required for me to pay for that police car I disassembled and then put in the bottom of a lake.

Spendy furniture--but awesome conversation pieces, lemme assure you! And those flashing lights--a HIT with acid music and felons in the making!

I digress! LOL

This sign--I must have.
I'd put it at the end of our driveway just so folks know what it is they're reckoning with!

What's a good street sign go for nowadays, anyway?
LOL

*shiver*

I went to Yahoo in search of a june bug and got the shivers.
I hate those darn things.

And the thought of opening this post to see the actual bug staring back at me was too ..... ACKY!
*shiver*
I can do spiders. We free spiders around this joint--catch 'em in a glass and turn 'em loose outside.
I can do snakes--heck, we have Thammy the Thnake as a pet!
I can do worms and slugs and even leaches.

I canNOT do june bugs.
*shiver and cringe*

I've been known to stand outside the door and holler for the light to be put out so I can bolt into the house. I lock up windows and turn off lights. LOL
And last night, whilest I'm happily at the computer--I heard that buzzzzzzz and the loud *plink plink* as it hit the window screen.
Yep--closed the window and turned off the light. LOL

*shiver and cringe and looking at goosebumps*

OMG...the June Bugs are here!
May they NOT live long or prosper......

QOTW 5/8

Whose intelligence do you find intimidating?

*thinking*

*frowning and thinking some more*

Oh boy.....

Now, I woulda said my previous boss, Jim--who could write and research and seemed to have this bottomlessness to his intellect, to his ability to learn and to his methods of passing on what he learned. Jim died a couple years back. I miss him sorely.

Today--
*thinking*
Maybe an engineering friend (literally--she's a systems engineer) who knows all sorts of things about 'things' and how they fit together to work.

*chuckling*
My own brain scares me LOTS--does that count?

New Alarm Clock

Say hello to Woody.

No, I didn't take the photo...too darn early and minus too much coffee to even think about grabbing a camera this morning. And I didn't rightly expect the alarm clock on a Sunday morning. Nor did I expect it to sound like some jackhammer over my head.

Yep--Woody decided that I'd overslept. Actually, I don't think it had anything to do with the hour and standing in as a substiture for my alarm clock.

I think it had to do with peanuts.......of which there are none in HIS beloved peanut feeder......... (reminder to self: MUST buy peanuts!)

I don't think I coulda got the angle anyway. I was craning my neck out the back door to see what the racket was--and there was Woody--happily drilling away on the gutter. On the GUTTER! Good grief--does he not realize that the gutter is made from aluminium?!

Oh, I'm thinkin' he probably does......
Undoubtedly he picked the noisiest spot he could to make his displeasure about the empty peanut feeder known.

MUST buy peanuts.
I just know how crazy I must have looked standing there in the backyard with my bedhair, laughing and shaking my head at 5:45 a.m.---in my jammies.........hollering at a woodpecker.....
LOL
Absolutely MUST buy peanuts!

FINALLY!!!!! I have dirt under my nails.....

Breakfast was good--what's not to like about those smalltown cafes that serve one mean and HUGE breakfast?!
And the park was okay.
The flowers were lovely. I did take a few photos of the flowers.
I had flowers on the brain though.
I had an agenda.
No photos of the cranes, or the river, or the gorgeous trees in full bloom.

Nope.
Flowers photos. That's it. LOL
Flowers on the brain--period.

I've been drooling over all the plants at the stores as of late, too.
Something or other has gotten in the way of actually buying any plants--'cept for a couple 'rescue' plants, ya know, replacement plants for those poor little plants that didn't make the harsh winter. May they rest in peace....

Geeze, even the girl got plants before I did. Probably cuz I bought them. LOL
(That doesn't count, though....they're HER plants.)
Between work and crappy weather and other obligations--we've just not made it to start what the Brit doesn't dare refer to as 'the sufferable journey of plant buying'. *chuckling*

Yes, I drag the Brit.
Poor allegy sufferer that he is......
He takes an Allegra D-24 Hours and puts up with the pollen cuz he knows I like plant buying.

And I'm like some kid in the freaking candy store! LOL

If some is good......MORE is better!!

I did tell him not to fret.
I only counted 28 planters this year.
That's as opposed to the 52 we had two years previous.
But I'm thinkin' I probably missed one or two.....maybe..probably! LOL I was a tad excited going out that door. I wasn't really counting. I was making it up as I went!

I know my eyes lit up when we went to look.
I had the cart and I was headed for the goods--missed everything he was saying to me! (I think it was something about meeting me at the plant section because he needed to pick up more allergy medications?)
But he found me and talked sense into me.
It wasn't that I had the cart full.....I hadn't even put one box in the cart.
But I had all sorts of grand plans going and I'm thinkin' I musta had some glazed look going on.

He asked if I had a 'limit' established.

Of COURSE--I had already fixed an 'allowance' for how much I was spending on plants.

"Good!"

"$400!" :-D

"Bad....."

Ready, set----buy plants!!!Wheeeeeeee!!!!

Okay, okay...so we only got petunias and some daiseys. And some allysum--and a butterfly plant....and dirt.
And some ivy.
And a few other pretty flowers whose names I can't remember.

Who cares! I played in DIRT!

I'm soooooo happy!
He's so happy I'm happy!

And I can't WAIT.....there'll be another shipment of MORE and DIFFERENT flowers this next week!
Wooooohoooooooooo!!!!!!!

He knew that though--hence the purchase of more Allegra-D.
Whadda guy!!

We're gonna LOOK at flowers......... :-)

The sun is out! The sun is out!!

This--after multiple days of cloudiness and rain galore--is something to celebrate!

We're celebrating BIG.
Okay, well, maybe not BIG.....but we're gonna go for breakfast and then to the park.

And then we're gonna LOOK at flowers.
LOOK, mind you.

*snickering*
Yeah, right.......It's rare I've 'LOOKED' at plants without purchasing. One invariably wants to come home with me.....or two..or six...

And we have one or two planters/pots that are just chomping at the bits to have flowers in 'em.

Okay--so that's more like 52 pots/planters.
AND we have a flowerbed or five.....or six.........or seven.....

So I don't do plants in moderation either! Hey!!........no one ever went to jail from having one too many plants, right?
*snickering* This is my rationalization and justification every year--and every year it's 'passed', albeit with a bit of eye rolling and head shaking.

*doing happy dance*
We're gonna plant flowers! We're gonna plant flowers!!

*looking around*
.........oops...........
Errrrrrrrrrr.......Ummm.......I meant to say we're going out for breakfast and to the park and to LOOK at flowers!

:-D

*twitching and salivating*

Something *evil* happens to me on Fridays.

No foolin'.
Dunno what it is.....

Maybe it's some form or misguided guilt, some piece of me that secretly longs to be a 'good little wifey'. LOL What're the chances of THAT?!

Yeah, yeah......well, SOMEthing happens.
I trudge through the grocery store and get groceries....(have I mentioned that I absolutely HATE grocery shopping?

I even *gasp* look up recipes. *looking around for witnesses* You spread that around and bad, BAD things are gonna happen to ya........just so ya know...........

I panic and try to find SOMEthing to bake for dinner.
You'll note the word is BAKE.
BAD, bad things happen when I 'cook'.

I don't know what the deal is.

'Cept....He works later than I do on Fridays.
'Course, he works later than I do on Mondays and Wednesdays, too--and this evil transformation doesn't happen THOSE days.......
But come Friday--*twitching and salivating* something EVIL happens..........

G'head...laugh if you must.

It can't be about guilt.
Why would one feel guilty on one day but not on the other two?
It's gotta be some quirky character defect or something.

*nodding*

I'll try surrendering and asking G-d to remove it.
I can't be doing this 'good little wifey' thing.
I have a reputation to maintain ya know!

*twitching and salivating and going to check the oven*

*chuckling*

Not feeling compelled to say alot to that.......
LOL

Reasons for Smilin' on Friday........

I'm bettin' the last one gottcha for sure.........

This moment brought to you by----

I'm getting ready to leave for some of that infinite wisdom that I know I need to go searching for. Leave me with my own thinking too long---everyone oughta be afraid! I know I am!

There are some things that I just cannot, for the life of me, sort through all by my little lonesome. I get in my own way. I mean, I'm good.........LOL........but I'm not that damn good. I wanna be that damn good--but wisepersoninmylife assures me that even HE has his places to go, people to see--cuz he ain't that damn good either.
I'm perfectly aware that the man's human.
I'm also aware that he's 6'7" and he can take me in a heartbeat.......and has a couple times. *blushing*

I'm 'stuck'.
I fear some of this is simply about taking an active part in being responsible for things I think I ought not have to be responsible for--or resent that I'm being asked to BE responsible for them. I dare say, I think some of this is simply about being a growed up. *shudder* I still play with bubbles.
Heck, I still run with scissors. How dare anyone ask me to be RESPONSIBLE--especially to THAT degree.

*sigh*
I can 'know what I know'.
I've had a head full of knowledge and a belly full of booze more than once.
There's nothing wrong with my intellect.
There's something wrong with my level of acceptance.
There's lots wrong with my ego and my pride.
And then there's fear.
Don't even get me started about the fear.

I can know a whole lot.
It's when it drops from my head, straight into my heart that I GET it. And once I 'get it' , I REALLY and truly GET IT. Then, I can 'do'.
But that drop from my head to my heart is a doozey.
It's like I jump in the way and let it bonk me in the head over and over and over again to avoid it GETTING to my heart.
Small wonder my head hurts, eh?

Sooooooooooo........ I'm gonna go see wisepersoninmylife and get him to feel sorry for me and assure me that all WILL be well, that the world really IS filled with stupid people asking me to do stupid things............ and he'll just 'love me' into acceptance. *nodding happily*

Riiiiighhhhhttttt......
Like THAT'LL happen..........
More likely he'd sit there, looking all bored, bend over and take a good look at the seat of my chair and start talking--- and like some idiot I'll ask "What ARE you doing under that table?!"

".....talking to ya..... Any minute now there'll be that popping noise, your head's gonna come outta your ass and we'll have a REAL conversation................ I'm just waiting............"

LOLOL Any questions about my level of excitement to leave the house to go see wisepersoninmylife now?!?

Oy.........
Okay, okay, OKAY....

Ready, set........

Outta here!

Little girl lost feeling........

When you talk about the impending changes--one way or another and you awaken to a clingy husband--you feel a bit on the 'little girl lost' side.
I'm not sure how to make any of this 'better' for either of us...I think--obviously--that the man feels threatened.

"I dreamt you'd left me for someone else and I had to go back to England......"

My heart went into that proverbial pit and I wasn't sure what I was suppose to say or do.
I don't know that I was suppose to say or do anything--but I was sure feeling compelled to.

"Like THAT'S gonna happen! You're stuck with me, dearheart---get over it!"

That got a feeble smile.
Didn't dismiss that sinking, lost little girl feeling that keeps grabbing at me.
I hate indecision and uncertainty.
It permeates into all kinds of places and provokes fears that I don't like dealing in.

Maybe I ought not to have told the man "I'm just scared."

Now I'm REALLY scared.
....and I'm not sure why.

Crumpled and held together with a wing and a prayer....and a rubberband.....

Yep.
That's ME.

Little did I know when I posted the QOTW this morning that it could be brought up in a conversation with my boss.
See, there's a difference between respecting someone and putting up with/enduring them. I don't think I can last long if I'm placed in a position of working for someone I'm 'tolerating'.

I've got until the 23rd of this month to come to some conclusion about that position my boss is wanting me to take.
He assures me that he knows the program which I'm already responsible TO and assume responsibility FOR won't suffer if I decline the position he's asking me to consider taking. He also is of the belief that it won't suffer if I do take the position.
He assured me his respect and admiration for my mission won't change one iota. He knows where my heart lies. He believes I'd touch more lives in a different position.
Then how come it doesn't 'feel' that way from where I'm sitting.

I love what I do.
I've been doing it for over 25 years in one form or another.

I think I'm just sad.
Either I look at taking over the position he's been asking me to do--or he'll leave me in the position I'm already in and ask someone to take the position...which would mean he would no longer be my immediate supervisor and I'd be working for someone else.
I know who's on the list of folks he'd consider putting in that position. I don't know how long I'd last working for someone I'm only tolerating.
I don't know how long I'll last if I keep the boss I respect --but spend less time doing what I so love to do.

He asked me to give it thought.
I told him it's been given a whole lot of thought already. (I can think things to death and back.)
He suggested a timeline on the decision. He knows me and my procrastination in hopes to keep things exactly as they are, today. It was the right thing to do.
He gave me until his birthday on the 23rd of this month--and he assured me he knew whichever way I decided, it would be an awesome and treasured gift.

I'm not so certain he's right about that part.

QOTW 5/1

Okay.....

IMAGINE a big question mark to the left of the page here since I'm not being 'allowed' to upload one at the moment. (silly blogger...........)

How tolerant are you?
What do you find yourself having lots of patience with?

Tolerant: tolerate the beliefs, practices, or traits of others;
(tolerate: To allow without prohibiting or opposing; permit.
To recognize and respect (the rights, beliefs, or practices of others).
To put up with; endure.)

There's a grave difference, for me, between putting up with/enduring and respecting and recognizing. I can put up with a whole lot of things--but I might not respect those things and the odds are I'm not going to respect being asked TO tolerate them.
If it's a simple 'respecting beliefs, practice and traits of others'--I'm pretty tolerant. I'm one who likes to celebrate differences--if we all were 'the same' a whole lot of us would be 'unnecessary'...LOL
I become unwilling to tolerate things that I 'know' are harmful or simply 'wrong'.

I've developed a whole lot of patience with human beings. LOL
I am not 'naturally' a patient person.
And I'm not exactly what one would call a 'people person'. I understand there's a purpose for human beings.....LOL..I simply don't relate to whatever logic there is behind that. Let's all remember I AM an alien and I like it that way. ;-)

What do I find myself having lots of patience with right now?
The unfinished basement rennovation.
Rain, for the third day in a row.
My boss. LOL Bless his heart (literally!).
The Brit--who's THE most neurotic person I know. *shaking head* I'm thinkin' G-d finds it particularly funny to hitch me up with a neurotic person FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! (g'head and laugh.......I'm sure G-d is..)
And noisy neighbors.

HOW long I'll maintain this level of patience is up for grabs. The day's still young! LOL