Adieu to the frozen

I'm anxious

I'd suppose that's normal, given the circumstances.

Usually catching the flight meant 'YIPPEE--can't wait for the sunshine and beachtime'. Notsomuch this time.

I'm under no delusion on how the time will be spent there.

The sister is-- Shopping she says. Beach she says. She needs a new skirt she says.....

Hospital, I say in my head. Tests. Physical. Pain. Morphine.

She's not had any solid food since mid January--that ain't changing.

Yes--patio time prior...in between vicodin and appointments--that's IF she's been successful in having those set up.

Could be that's why I'm anxious.

She's dancing with denial--I'm sleeping with reality.

I'd prefer her world, at least momentarily.

Right........

I'll tie up loose ends and get on the plane.

Three weeks...... Not enough time.
Denial or reality--not enough time.

Fairy Reminder

If I live just one day at a time, I won't so quickly entertain fears of what might happen tomorrow.

As long as I'm concentrating on today's activities, there won't be room in my mind for worrying.

I'll try to fill every minute of this day with something good - seen, heard, accomplished.

Then, when the day is ended, I'll be able to look back on it with satisfaction, serenity and gratitude.

About that salt jazz........

Uh huh.......

So.....he-who-looks-out-for-yours-truly sent a text to the sister reminding her that I'm NOT auto-condimenting, which means no additional salt for.......me.....

No worries--I assured her he wasn't serious.

She, on the other hand is convinced he is and is taking action in hiding the 'rinse and spit' salt!

Oh--come, come.

No need to do that.

And she reallllllllllly can trust me with the table salt in the cute little shakers!

Uh huh--This is when she informs me that she doesn't have cute little salt shakers.

Fact is...she has no shakers with salt whatsoever.......

WHAT???!!! O M G !!

Don't I remember--she's on a low salt diet....so no salt shakers at her house....seriously!

I'LL PACK ONE!!!!!

Nice of me to volunteer dontchathink.

You don't think they'll see a shaker of salt as a security risk, do ya?

Certainly not.....

And just for the record--I'm now packed.

And I'm all set to increase my business opportunities by carting the 5000 paperbeads with me in that carry-on!!

LET 'em ask me what they are and what they're for! HA!!!

I'll have on a necklace.

AND I have a tablet of sticky note paper RIGHT in the same compartment those little baggies of paperbeads are in....to take orders in case that happens!

Gosh I'm sooooooooo creative it's almost scary........

Yeah well.......

......don't ask if I've packed yet......

*sigh*

I suck.

I was takin' photos of Mr. Icicle instead.

Yeahyeahyeah.....I know.....pack!

How fun is this one!

Removing the layers

Today's Fairy Thought

Our Wise Creator has provided each of us, at birth, with the necessary talents and gifts to make a worthwhile contribution to the world. What we make of those gifts and talents is entirely up to us. We can choose to ignore, and thereby destroy, our innate interests and abilities - or we can choose to pursue them, despite our doubts and fears, and enjoy life to the fullest.

If we wish to use our talents and gifts, we must become aware of those activities and interests we enjoy. Then we must make the effort to explore the opportunities and alternatives available to us. If we do not find a place for our interests and abilities in the world around us, we needn't be discouraged. We can create one. Dedication and perseverance have opened many seemingly closed doors.

TODAY - Am I doing the best with what I've been given?

Oy brother this is a pain.....

Okay--if I wear the green skirt with a black shirt and a white one atop, that'll go with the black slacks and the black skirt....and I'll have the heels and understuff on already, so......

Since I always have a pair of floppy sandals at the sisters'--no more shoes required.

k......

Sooooooo.....I'll need another shirt to go over which can go with the tan slacks and the green skirt and the black skirt and the red skirt maybe? Why am I packing the red skirt? Maybe another black one. Or a tan one, probably. That'd be smarter I think........

*sigh*

I hate packing.

The whole room is in disarray.

And I don't leave until Tuesday.

But I scheduled myself to work on Monday so folks would have less to contend with during my absence......and in the meantime there's laundry and work stuff from the computer so I CAN depart with minimal to pass on to folks.

And then there's the 5000 paper beads to toss in the bag cuz..... THAT'LL be fun to explain to the airport folks.

k.....right.....

BREAK time!!!

I sooooooo need a cuppa coffee.
And he-who-is-working-on-dinner is so assuring that he'll be fine in my absence of three weeks.

k...well, he'll get to be like it or not.

Coffee.

Shut up my head from talking to me would be good, too.

Temporary Pillars

Fairy Dust

Watch your thoughts,

they become your words.

Watch your words,

they become your actions.

Watch your actions,

they become your character.

Watch your character,

it becomes your destiny.

Fingers to keyboard......

I think it's easier for me to be angry than it is to be scared.

I must be really scared, because I'm madder than hell.

Perhaps cancer grows at a slower rate on the west coast than it does in the midwest.
Perhaps it's just ignorance on my part about oral cancer......

But it's been six weeks now. Six weeks since they diagnosed her with cancer. SIX freaking weeks.

And they've done the biopsy.

The PET scan that took forever to actually GET done, despite the fact that it was stage 3 cancer and it'd infiltrated the lymph nodes on one side.

And that revealed what they believed to be nodes in the lungs.

Has any physician talked with her since the PET scan was shared with her on the phone?

Have they called offices and left messages and sent emails to everyone and their uncle?

Has the stress test that she was told she needed to have been scheduled?

And was it really the nurse's suggestion that she ring herself to schedule the test since the nurse was having a difficult time actually getting it done?

Six weeks.
And in 9 days she's scheduled to have the surgery.

We know that much because she did manage to talk with the scheduling nurse--who tells her it's still on the docket.

In the meantime she's irritated that she's having more pain and seems to be biting her tongue more than she was after the biopsy.

I don't suspect it's a sudden bad habit that's formed in the past six weeks........more likely the tumors have grown and it's causing more pain.

But the nurse did get a healthy dose of vicodin for her to take phoned in.......oh, and took her off the blood thinners because you have to be off those prior to surgery being done.

Six weeks......and NOTHING has been done to treat the cancer, to slow it's growth or to ease her fears about the 'what's where and what's next'.

Nothing.

NOTHING.

I know LA is a horribly big city.
And I know UCLA hospital is a good hospital--a large one, but a reputable one.

I know University hospitals tend to be compartmentalized--they're experts in their field and they don't talk so well to the other experts. Leastwise that's been my experience over and over and over again.
I know insurance crap takes time..and the bigger the city, the more time it takes.
Obviously. At one point she was ringing the insurance company who told her that she was 114th on the list for approval for a PET scan.

And I know physicians can be egocentric assholes sometimes--maybe it's overworked, spread thin......probably......but c'mon.......

I'm madder than hell.

And truth is--I'm scared shitless.

I don't want to bury her.
And I'm afraid I'm going to get to.........

Winter Blues at the Lake

Where'd I put the list?

I have a list.

And it's somewhere.......around this joint.....I think.......

Heck if I know.

I thought I started a list.......

Clothes.

5000 paper beads.

That's the list!

Oh yeah.....suitcase.

Camera case.

Done.

It's all good.

I'll start a pile on the bed--

Uh huh......guaranteed it'll be on the floor tonight and not in the suitcase.

Have I ever mentioned that I sooo hate to pack...

TFTD

There are as many ways to live and grow, as there are people. Our own ways are the only ways that should matter to us.

--Evelyn Mandel

Wanting to control other people, to make them live as we'd have them live, makes the attainment of serenity impossible. And serenity is the goal we are seeking in this recovery program, in this life.

We are each powerless over others, which relieves us of a great burden. Controlling our own behavior is a big enough job. Learning to behave responsibly takes practice. Most of us in this recovery program have behaved irresponsibly for much of our lives. Emotional immaturity is slow to depart, but every responsible action we take gives us the courage for another - and then another. Our own fulfillment is the by-product of the accumulation of our own responsible actions. Others' actions need not concern us.

Today, I will weigh my behavior carefully. Responsible behavior builds gladness of heart.

Bit o' Thaw

Ready Fairy Reminder

You have a very powerful influence on the world in which you live, and on the life you experience.

Live as though everything matters, because it does.

k....Tuesday......

Have you ever had a baked potato without salt?

How about mashed potatoes with flaked fish tossed in, topped with cheese and baked for 20 minutes--this is known as 'fish pie' apparently.

OMFr***ingGawddddd

Zackly how soon am I leaving for California?!

Oh......next Tuesday.

And since my hair is falling out--from not enough vitamin E he-who-researches-the-internet has ascertained--it's broccoli everything.

Didya know broccoli is high in vitamin E? Notsomuch me either...but because I can't have vitamin E anything(not in capsule form, not in lotions, not in frickin' kleenex that's nicer to your nose)....it's made with wheat dontchaknow........

Do I sound like I'm whining?

That's cuz I AM.

Do I have more hair than HE DOES?

Yes.

Oy.

Seriously......I need to go to sit on the patio with the sister and NOT be forced to eat fish pie and broccoli....

.....and I'll happily go bald.

Yup!

How soon?

Tuesday.

k.

omgfr***inggawddddd

The 'Other' Red, White and Blue

Fairy Dusting

Our own fulfillment is the by-product of the accumulation of our own responsible actions.

Others' actions need not concern us.