..........about working with others.
Okay, so I have a pigeon/sponsee/whatever they prefer to be called today that I work with--yeah, yeah.............so there's six to be exact, plus two who pretty well have the deal down and don't require a whole lotta 'work'. So.........I'm working with one and, of course, we're hitting the first principle and it's all about HONESTY. I can hear myself sharing and challenging and saying what's true--if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. Nothing changes until something changes--and absolutely zilch will change if you're lying to me or lying to you.
OH Lord did I hear myself........ I'm NOT being forthright about those fears and angers that need inventoried and worked through. *sigh*
Oh, I can be soooooooooooooo good at putting it out there for someone else. And it does work. I can't tell you how many times it's been my privilege to be around for someone's awakening to 'truth'. The problem with that is I tend to hear MYSELF, which, in all honesty probably isn't a problem but a G-dsend.
Do I have a problem with withholding the truth? I'd like NOT to, however, I know it's seriously wrong and uncool. Yep, I can have all the bestest reasons and rationalizations in the world..........However. It's still wrong and uncool to withhold the truth. I knew that when I did it--but it certainly didn't stop me from doing it. I didn't wanna be accountable to say what's really true for me today. And I NEED to be accountable, elsewise I schluff off and start lying to me and you and the world. BAD, BAD idea!
Oh, I know that for all practical purposes it can appear to the world around me that the work I do with others is all about selflessness and a sincere desire to be of service--but I know well how working with others is accountability for ME. I will not take credit for some thing that's not mine to take credit for. My selfless appearing actions aren't selfless. I work with people because I have a debt to repay and it keeps ME where I need to be.
*sigh*
I'm still pissed off and afraid. LOL But I know I'll be honest about it and I'll get to do what it takes to move from those things I'm angry and fearful about. I don't GET to stay stuck in the anger and fear-- cuz it's not where I'm effective OR at peace. And I want both--
LOL--cuz I'm greedy! I want it ALL!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL
Damn pigeons.....
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
PAGE 86
"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to othes. After making our review we ask G-d's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."
Okay, so the punctuation might not be correct--that's off the top of my head and there IS a reason that paragraph is memorized. Well, actually more than ONE reason--geeze, I inventory myself nightly, daily, off and on every day--day in day out! I OUGHTA know what's on that page!
Resentful, dishonest, selfish or afraid? Oh, I'd say there are a few that fit those categories. Obviously, I have business to take care of.
Keeping things to myself that oughta be shared---ummmm...YEP....I need to get past this 'gotta have it figured out and in it's place BEFORE I'm discussing it with other people--who CARES how it looks for crying out loud!
Kind and loving towards all...things I coulda done better. *sigh*
I'm not feeling compelled to go any further..LOL
OBVIOUSLY I have a whole LOT of business to be taking care of.
See, when you've married an AlaNon, they notice when you've not done a written inventory for a few and they cautiously bring that to your attention.
I think it was "do you need me to pick you up a new journal for your inventory while I'm over there today".......and they think they're SLICK!!!
I figured the right answer was "would you mind?" instead of "What in the hell FOR.....I'M NOT WRITING IT OUT CUZ I'M FREAKING PISSED AND AFRAID ABOUT A THING OR TWO!!"
Can I at LEAST have points for saying it nicely instead of taking the head off and spitting down the throat?
Okay, so the punctuation might not be correct--that's off the top of my head and there IS a reason that paragraph is memorized. Well, actually more than ONE reason--geeze, I inventory myself nightly, daily, off and on every day--day in day out! I OUGHTA know what's on that page!
Resentful, dishonest, selfish or afraid? Oh, I'd say there are a few that fit those categories. Obviously, I have business to take care of.
Keeping things to myself that oughta be shared---ummmm...YEP....I need to get past this 'gotta have it figured out and in it's place BEFORE I'm discussing it with other people--who CARES how it looks for crying out loud!
Kind and loving towards all...things I coulda done better. *sigh*
I'm not feeling compelled to go any further..LOL
OBVIOUSLY I have a whole LOT of business to be taking care of.
See, when you've married an AlaNon, they notice when you've not done a written inventory for a few and they cautiously bring that to your attention.
I think it was "do you need me to pick you up a new journal for your inventory while I'm over there today".......and they think they're SLICK!!!
I figured the right answer was "would you mind?" instead of "What in the hell FOR.....I'M NOT WRITING IT OUT CUZ I'M FREAKING PISSED AND AFRAID ABOUT A THING OR TWO!!"
Can I at LEAST have points for saying it nicely instead of taking the head off and spitting down the throat?
Monday, June 27, 2005
"Dear Mom"
Okay....so apparently the boy isn't where I last knew him to be. According to him, rehab asked for a UA and he 'wasn't able to produce'...hence they concluded he wasn't following the rules and was assumed 'dirty'------- and BACK to jail we go--again. *sigh* So says the letter.......
He goes on to tell me the 'good news' is he has 90 days to serve in the county jail, after which time he'll be a 'free man'. His plans? Well, he wrote that the felony charges will be expunged from his record and his intent, first day out of the gate is to enlist in the Air Force or the Marines.
Oh, don't get me wrong--I don't think the military would be a bad place for the kiddo--'cept for one small factor.....who wants their child walking smack dab into the middle of a war? *sigh* Discipline is something he could learn, given the right circumstances. Only, I'm a bit fearful of the lies he'd be willing to tell to enlist, let alone the circumstances he'd be walking into.
He's 'open to suggestions', though. Obviously, there's that 'wait' between enlisting and actually getting sent to boot camp. (He's pretty certain of this enlistment being an option for him, I am not.) And he's plumb outta ideas on what to do in the interem. He's 'open to suggestions' though. Translate that as "I'll be free with no place to go, no job and no means with which to take care of myself---AND I've run outta people who're willing to have me cuz I've ripped off and hurt every single one of them." (had that been penned by the kiddos hand, I'da had a bit more hope...)
I love the child--truly I do. I don't know how loving it is to stand on the lines I drew in the sand with the kiddo. I know what I said to the Brit with relative confidence. "Staying here isn't an option--I couldn't take enough time off to babysit him until he was shipped off to boot camp. Being unsupervised and alone in this house isn't an option." Well, now, didn't that sound horrid in some aspects and centered in others?
What to do? Well, what IS there to do? He's a 20 year old man who's been hellbent on making his own destructive decisions for a long time. I don't get to decide for him. I can only decide for me. Only, as sure as I was when I looked the Brit in the eye and announced my certainty, so am I uncertain today.
I know that any day could be my last day with the child. Truth be told, I accepted my last day with him as being more than a year ago. I was pretty convinced he'd be dead doing what he was doing. I wouldn't be a part of watching him do it to himself--too much of my sanity was up for grabs--I was becoming an endangered species. I made the conscious choice to detach and get out of the kiddos way.
Do I believe him to have given me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in the letter?
Not one bit.
I know there's more than one side to this one.
I also know he's an adult and I'm not privileged to have that information from the folks who were working with him. But I do know what I'm not willing to do today.
I don't like that I'm not willing.
Makes it feel like I'm saying NO FREAKING WAY would I like to do that. PASS!!
There are so few things that I get to say NO FREAKING WAY to, today.
Saying it to your own child---feels somehow unloving and wrong.
It's where I was when I read the letter.
*sigh*
"Yes, thank you, I think I'd like to do that" is just too darn risky today.
And this isn't just about little ol' ME anymore.
*sigh*
He goes on to tell me the 'good news' is he has 90 days to serve in the county jail, after which time he'll be a 'free man'. His plans? Well, he wrote that the felony charges will be expunged from his record and his intent, first day out of the gate is to enlist in the Air Force or the Marines.
Oh, don't get me wrong--I don't think the military would be a bad place for the kiddo--'cept for one small factor.....who wants their child walking smack dab into the middle of a war? *sigh* Discipline is something he could learn, given the right circumstances. Only, I'm a bit fearful of the lies he'd be willing to tell to enlist, let alone the circumstances he'd be walking into.
He's 'open to suggestions', though. Obviously, there's that 'wait' between enlisting and actually getting sent to boot camp. (He's pretty certain of this enlistment being an option for him, I am not.) And he's plumb outta ideas on what to do in the interem. He's 'open to suggestions' though. Translate that as "I'll be free with no place to go, no job and no means with which to take care of myself---AND I've run outta people who're willing to have me cuz I've ripped off and hurt every single one of them." (had that been penned by the kiddos hand, I'da had a bit more hope...)
I love the child--truly I do. I don't know how loving it is to stand on the lines I drew in the sand with the kiddo. I know what I said to the Brit with relative confidence. "Staying here isn't an option--I couldn't take enough time off to babysit him until he was shipped off to boot camp. Being unsupervised and alone in this house isn't an option." Well, now, didn't that sound horrid in some aspects and centered in others?
What to do? Well, what IS there to do? He's a 20 year old man who's been hellbent on making his own destructive decisions for a long time. I don't get to decide for him. I can only decide for me. Only, as sure as I was when I looked the Brit in the eye and announced my certainty, so am I uncertain today.
I know that any day could be my last day with the child. Truth be told, I accepted my last day with him as being more than a year ago. I was pretty convinced he'd be dead doing what he was doing. I wouldn't be a part of watching him do it to himself--too much of my sanity was up for grabs--I was becoming an endangered species. I made the conscious choice to detach and get out of the kiddos way.
Do I believe him to have given me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in the letter?
Not one bit.
I know there's more than one side to this one.
I also know he's an adult and I'm not privileged to have that information from the folks who were working with him. But I do know what I'm not willing to do today.
I don't like that I'm not willing.
Makes it feel like I'm saying NO FREAKING WAY would I like to do that. PASS!!
There are so few things that I get to say NO FREAKING WAY to, today.
Saying it to your own child---feels somehow unloving and wrong.
It's where I was when I read the letter.
*sigh*
"Yes, thank you, I think I'd like to do that" is just too darn risky today.
And this isn't just about little ol' ME anymore.
*sigh*
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Yes, thank you, I think I'd like to do that.....
Interesting things happen when you get handed a multi-million dollar budget to be responsible for. Well, interesting things happen to ME when it's put in my hands. Mostly, I try like heck not to offer up impertinant and insignificant information to the person handing it to me....you know, unimportant things like "Look, I don't even bother balancing my own freaking checkbook!! HELLO?!?! Are you NUTS????!!!!" Oh, no, no, no--contraire--I simply nod and thank them kindly--like I KNEW my name would be on the financial folder to begin with....
"YES, thank you, I think I'd like to do that." Now, there's a line I've been practicing for what seems like forever! Wiseperson had me practicing that cuz I was a selfish snot--volunteering was not my idea of a good time. Putting myself out there to be of help to anyone wasn't on my agenda. I had better things to do with my time than sweep floors and make sure coffee pots were cleaned, or to be NICE to people, or helpful..or kind and thoughtful. No, no, I had much better things to do....like.....heck if I know, but there HAD to be better things to do than any of THAT!
Nowadays it's seemingly more along the lines of "yes, thank you, I think I'd like to HELP to do that". Need something done, I'll do it--ALL of it, all by my lonesome. And it'll be a standup job of it, too, dangit! Oy....Go figure I'd move from one extreme to another. I still have problems with moderation. All or none--sometimes that's still SOP for me.
The good news? Not once did I think of writing myself a whopping check and getting the heck outta Dodge! LOL
But now that I mention it.......
LOL
Okay, okay...so it's "yes, thank you, I think I'd like to do that."
It's just a few million dollars of someone elses' money! Easy peasy!
*ack*
"YES, thank you, I think I'd like to do that." Now, there's a line I've been practicing for what seems like forever! Wiseperson had me practicing that cuz I was a selfish snot--volunteering was not my idea of a good time. Putting myself out there to be of help to anyone wasn't on my agenda. I had better things to do with my time than sweep floors and make sure coffee pots were cleaned, or to be NICE to people, or helpful..or kind and thoughtful. No, no, I had much better things to do....like.....heck if I know, but there HAD to be better things to do than any of THAT!
Nowadays it's seemingly more along the lines of "yes, thank you, I think I'd like to HELP to do that". Need something done, I'll do it--ALL of it, all by my lonesome. And it'll be a standup job of it, too, dangit! Oy....Go figure I'd move from one extreme to another. I still have problems with moderation. All or none--sometimes that's still SOP for me.
The good news? Not once did I think of writing myself a whopping check and getting the heck outta Dodge! LOL
But now that I mention it.......
LOL
Okay, okay...so it's "yes, thank you, I think I'd like to do that."
It's just a few million dollars of someone elses' money! Easy peasy!
*ack*
Thursday, September 30, 2004
I'm a Nelly.....
Well......got the recyclables out, got the laundry going--even got a chance to pet Annie who was roaming around Leroy's front yard and gave a holler at Leroy who's pretty well quarantined to the house at the moment. The Brit's outta here--he's such a funny character--and he's off to do what he doesn't classify as 'work' cuz it's something he tells me he's always wanted to do. *happy sigh* It's a good morning. It just is.
I don't have a clue what's suppose to go on this page that's accessible to the whole world. I do know I tend to think with my fingers and I get a sense of 'right sized-ness' when I put things into print. So this can't be all bad--I'll just bluff and con my way through having something of importance to say. LOL (this, I'm well versed at! LOL)
So I was doing dishes when himself arrived home last evening to his well lit up, Halloween decorated home. Yep, I turned on every strand of lights there was! It's a great moment in time when he walks into the kitchen, wraps his arms around me and we just do a standing snuggle for a good minute. No harm in hearing how missed I was and how wonderful it is to be home, eh? It's always another validation of how graced I am to have all this. I get to hear about his day, he gets to hear about mine--and I get to bounce some thinking off him. Poor fella....LOL
See, I was pretty wrapped up in the incidental happenings of a gal who's looking at returning to her country and staying--this after three months of living stateside with her sweetheart. It really did hurt my heart to read of the words said to her and the statement that returning stateside might simply not be worth it by a man that she left her whole world for. And being home alone--I had a bit of freedom to get tearful for her and think too much. Dangerous thing.
End of the snuggle with the Brit, end of the 'fill ins' on the ins and outs of the day--and I shared with him the post on the board from the gal. His response caught me a bit off guard. "Better they know now". Huh. I had to think about that one--oh, not just think--had to discuss that one. And we took it all the way back to his three month stay and the stupid incident with 'how to cut sod'--our one and only 'fight' when I accomplished being "right" at the cost of hurting a man I love and learned an invaluable lesson about AGAIN about "do ya wanna be happy, or do ya wanna be RIGHT". I equated 'right' WITH happy. Boy oh boy.....did I get the lesson that day.
Yep--better they know now. And after tearing it apart with himself whilest he worked on 'stuff' on the computer in our shared study--I can buy that's true. Still....hurts my heart. And I can't imagine those words ever coming from the Brit.
"That's because they won't"
Well, okay....but what IF?
"They won't"
Yeah...but what IF?
"Ain't gonna happen"
This is the point that he swiveled in his chair, scooted over to where I sat with my cuppa java, looked me square in the eyes and said what he'd said walking in the door--he loves coming home to our little house on the corner and everything in it.
Okay......but---what IF?!?!
LOL I think that's when he called me a "Nelly".
Wanna bet the house is all lit up for me when I get home from an anticipated longggg day at the office?
Think it'll be my turn to do that standing snuggle and let him know how I love coming home to our little house on the corner and everything in it.
I don't have a clue what's suppose to go on this page that's accessible to the whole world. I do know I tend to think with my fingers and I get a sense of 'right sized-ness' when I put things into print. So this can't be all bad--I'll just bluff and con my way through having something of importance to say. LOL (this, I'm well versed at! LOL)
So I was doing dishes when himself arrived home last evening to his well lit up, Halloween decorated home. Yep, I turned on every strand of lights there was! It's a great moment in time when he walks into the kitchen, wraps his arms around me and we just do a standing snuggle for a good minute. No harm in hearing how missed I was and how wonderful it is to be home, eh? It's always another validation of how graced I am to have all this. I get to hear about his day, he gets to hear about mine--and I get to bounce some thinking off him. Poor fella....LOL
See, I was pretty wrapped up in the incidental happenings of a gal who's looking at returning to her country and staying--this after three months of living stateside with her sweetheart. It really did hurt my heart to read of the words said to her and the statement that returning stateside might simply not be worth it by a man that she left her whole world for. And being home alone--I had a bit of freedom to get tearful for her and think too much. Dangerous thing.
End of the snuggle with the Brit, end of the 'fill ins' on the ins and outs of the day--and I shared with him the post on the board from the gal. His response caught me a bit off guard. "Better they know now". Huh. I had to think about that one--oh, not just think--had to discuss that one. And we took it all the way back to his three month stay and the stupid incident with 'how to cut sod'--our one and only 'fight' when I accomplished being "right" at the cost of hurting a man I love and learned an invaluable lesson about AGAIN about "do ya wanna be happy, or do ya wanna be RIGHT". I equated 'right' WITH happy. Boy oh boy.....did I get the lesson that day.
Yep--better they know now. And after tearing it apart with himself whilest he worked on 'stuff' on the computer in our shared study--I can buy that's true. Still....hurts my heart. And I can't imagine those words ever coming from the Brit.
"That's because they won't"
Well, okay....but what IF?
"They won't"
Yeah...but what IF?
"Ain't gonna happen"
This is the point that he swiveled in his chair, scooted over to where I sat with my cuppa java, looked me square in the eyes and said what he'd said walking in the door--he loves coming home to our little house on the corner and everything in it.
Okay......but---what IF?!?!
LOL I think that's when he called me a "Nelly".
Wanna bet the house is all lit up for me when I get home from an anticipated longggg day at the office?
Think it'll be my turn to do that standing snuggle and let him know how I love coming home to our little house on the corner and everything in it.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Sunday, September 26, 2004
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