The honours:

QFTD

Whose advice do you listen to?

*chuckling*
Read that as it was asked..........."Whose advice DO you listen to?"
Isn't it amusing how when you accent one word the whole sentence changes meaning.

I can admit to a time when I listened to noone's advice. Noone had any good ideas. LOL

Today I do listen to wiseperson in my life....both of them..........most of the....errrrr..........SOME of the time.
I do listen to the Brit......some of the time.
I listen to the girl and the boss........when the occasion happens that they feel a need to dole out advice.
And the sister--I listen to her advice, intently. She wouldn't give it if she didn't think it was worthy of heeding.

And I thought I'd improved...........LOL

Pathetic...........

*looking at bandaids on the fingers*

SNOOPY bandaids .....I should NOT be allowed near sharp objects. :-)



Okay, so when he rang this morning from Manchester he said he was thinking he was 'done' and ready to come home. *shaking head* And I thought *I* was pathetic!

Lemme see--he's been gone for 12 days.
I've managed to spend every night IN the guest room bed.
I made a whole four days without shaving my legs. (I can't help it....I caved to the impulse!)
I've had popcorn 9 out of the 12 days. :-)
I've cooked once during this entire time.....once.....
I took down all the old fiberglass ceiling tiles.
I've put up an entire ceiling (well, 'cept for those two tiles that have an old recessed light in them).
I suck with a utility knife--hence the Snoopy bandaids.
I've yanked out two flourescent light fixtures that weigh about 40 pounds ALL BY MYSELF.
I've ran wiring underneath the ceiling.
I've put in three new 'eyeball' spotlights to highlight his trainlayout's 'turn about' (it's about 9 feet long).
I've talked with him everyday cuz that's how frequently he rings....sometimes twice in one day.
I've ran the Jeep, fed the critters and stayed up til near one in the morning every night since he's been gone.

I think I officially qualify for 'pathetic'.
Oy geeze......we BOTH qualify.........

I don't do pathetic well.
I'm gonna haffta do something to DISqualify myself.
BE afraid.
Be VERY afraid! LOL

Easy Target!

Okay--so I got 'talked at' for doing the ceiling.

It was gonna be a 'surprise' but....it's not any more! SOMEONE thought it would be a good idea to tell him how it was progessing. :-P
I'll 'get ahead' with the girl later....

First I get lectured about my back.

Uh huh....surgery was in OCTOBER for goodnesssakes!
That's been FIVE MONTHS ago.
*rolling eyes*
Gimme a break...

Then it was "you DID move my trains...right?" (geeze, you'd think he was worried about the ceiling falling on them or something!)

Hmmm......I thought we'd covered that earlier. Apparently he hadn't paid attention--- I HADN'T moved the trains--cuz I wasn't AT that end.

THEN it was "you didn't move my models from the shelves, did you?"

Hmmmmm....well, trains were on one end and I didn't move them cuz I wasn't DOING that end.
Models were on the OTHER end and that's the end I WAS doing.....sooooooo..... Ummmmm....

I've never heard anyone say "OMG OMG OMG" so much during one phone conversation! LOL

Nevermind that I lied on both accounts.
:-)

He's sooooooooo fun to mess with!
LOLOL

Progress--

If I go up and down that ladder one more time today--------
-----it won't be pretty.

And why is it people in the DIY stores seem to think women are incapable?
YES, I know how to do wiring.
YES, I know how to put in a junction box.
YES, I know how to figure out how many watts I can run off an existing line.

*shaking head*

And I was wanting to get some lights up--which meant figuring out what lights I wanted with a suspended ceiling.
You don't get many choices.
I yanked out the flourescents and put in three recessed lights over the trains for now. AND ran the wiring for them AFTER I put in the junction box.

:-P
Darn that it got dark before I finished putting the lights in.
Just gotta wire them to the junction box and I oughta be good to go...for that end of the train layout...for today.......

I just have the whole REST of the trainroom to do.

Oy.
So much for a 'little project' whilest himself was gone.
I'll need a vacation....LOL

Coffee anyone?

Where's the toothpicks?
I think I need 'em for my eyelids.
And it's not Friday yet. And tomorrow I've got all the kiddos cuz there's no school....

I'm hoping they've got toothpicks at work!
Maybe I best take my own?

It's been an active week.
Not all bad, mind you. Folks have got some mighty good treatment done in the past week.
Not that it's been all 'fun'.....but it's been productive.
Some of it's been really tough 'work'.
Surprisingly, some of it's been effortless.

When a kiddo who's been playing forEVER on the wrong side gets their little body outta bed and comes up to you to say "I'm done. I'm not going to do this any more.", and they mean it.....and you know they mean it......
Doesn't matter what it took to get there, it's that surrender that you celebrate.

I remember the surrender well.
There was that moment when the dots connected and I finally 'got' what folks had been trying to help me get forever. Things started to make sense, even though they didn't completely make sense.

But oy GEEZE do I need those toothpicks.




No......ya know--on second thought, I don't think I'll need those toothpicks.

I'm betting there'll be a fresh brewed pot of coffee for me in the morning.
I'm also betting on which kiddo will have made it.

Shame On Heinz!

I'm NOT feeling a need to 'explain' this.

*shaking head*

Foiled Surprises

Oy -- it's late.
I've been late getting out of work every night since the Brit left. I can't quite figure out if that's because he's gone and I'm feeling no need to be out of there, pronto....or if that's just validation of why the decision was made for me not to go with him on the trip.
Either case--it's validation that the right choice was made.
It's nutso at work....plain and simple.

And this morning, bright and early, the Brit rang to tell on the girl. *snickering*
He must forget that this is my child. I taught her longgggg ago to tell on herself. She'd already rang.
LOL It so took the wind out of his sails--the poor thing.
He also told me he knew I'd been working on the trainroom ceiling.
Yep--the surprise was shared by the girl who'd not realized that it WAS a surprise. Oops?

Typical Brit fashion--he needed to make certain that I'd actually MOVED the trains out of the room--ya know, in case the ceiling falls down.
"Nope. Darn that I didn't think of that." (oh he's fun to get going..LOL)
I did tell him that it's no good to have a project if he knows what it is.
So--I'm thinkin' I'll leave it 3/4's finished, put his trains BACK on the track and lollygag around cuz I can!

Okay, I'm not REALLY thinking that--but I told him I was.
Funny........he had more of an adversion to me moving the trains BACK than he did of me not finishing the project.

Note to self:
Hide one of the trains.
Preferrably that cute little shay one that he's so fond of.

:-D

Oh, I'm such a trouble maker! LOL

Dead Batteries and Spotted Dick

I was going to take a photo of that mess of tiles in the basement that I tore out--the darn camera batteries are dead . *mumbling* Suffice to say, I've now got 50 tiles up! Still haffta take out two more light fixtures. And I have to decide on lighting.....cuz..... I'm feeling a need to have that up before himself gets home--elsewise how's he actually going to SEE down there?!

The girl rang me this evening--very chatty girl. She'd got together with the Brit today--originally the plan was to eat at the mum's. Somehow that got altered and they all met at a pub and had dinner out together. She got to meet the kiddos. Kate told her she was more inclined to come visit the dad in Iowa now that she knew the girl would tote her around and show her the highlights for 20 year olds. LOL Apparently they shared some 'bathroom' time and Kate asked if she was nervous meeting her step-sister and step-brothers. The silly girl is so much like me--she'd not looked at it like THAT until Kate put it in those terms. She told me she nearly freaked out in the bathroom...LOL

Apparently it was a lovely evening.
She tells me they laughed themselves silly.
And she confessed that she had the mum in tears from laughing.
That'll happen when the Brit suggests she have a taste of his 'spotted dick'.......... and she nearly falls off the chair.....and turns beet red while she explains that we don't DO that in America. ROFL

And nope--I'm not gonna tell what 'spotted dick' is. LOLOLOL

2/20 Question

Do you have a problem admitting you’re wrong?

Yep. 'Specially cuz I'm generally 'right'. :-D LOL (that's said in jest)
I try not to take a stand unless I am right and it's important to the wellbeing of the person to take that stand.
But drat that I don't get to choose for them.
I will note that I'm ever so grateful I don't have to live the consequences for them.

I DO have a lot of practice at saying "you could be right!".
That's ended more than one powerstruggle I've landed myself in.

I am a prideful thing and I do like being right.

I don't find myself defending my 'rightness' to the death any more though.

LORD knows, I could be wrong! (rarely--but it does happen! ROFL)

Plans Unfolding

The Brit rang twice today. *chuckling* He's silly. But it's all good. He had a slow start to the trip--and he's now telling me he has a full agenda this week.
He's picking up the girl from Stansted. She flew into London, went to Ireland, got on the little boat and sailed it back to England--she's then flying into Stansted where he'll pick her up. Apparently they've got plans to meet the kiddos and then go to the mum's for dinner. Roast lamb is on the menue. Poor little sheepie! LOL
He's making a trip to the sea with the mum and then they're off to visit a cousin who's in that area for lunch--they'll have a night over and make an adventure of going back. Thursday he's got something planned with his daughter. He's seen her only once since he arrived. Apparently she had a falling out with her brother and refused to get in the car with him to go see her father. She's a tempermental 20 year old--probably a bad hair day. ;-)
Friday he's going all the way to Cornwall for a two day "I'll never see that again" model show that he WILL get to see this year! Monday he then goes north to Manchester to visit Karen--a longtime friend who's excited as can be that he'll be visiting. He'll return to the mum's on Thursday and has plans with the kiddos again on Friday.
Gee--I don't think he's leaving himself time to be bored! LOL Tis a good thing!
And he promised rocks and shells from the sea........so I'm excited! :-)

In the meantime, I had a full Sunday--the usual meet with the pigeon, meeting, meet with another pigeon. I got home in time to finish up some paperwork that I thought I'd finished the night before, and I had a visitor this evening looking for advice on house buying.

And yep--I had popcorn for dinner! LOL
AND woooooooohoooooo for day two with no leg shaving!
*snickering*

Making Headway

It's late. I'm tired.
Half of the ceiling in the trainroom is done.
That's 37 tiles. I'm sure that doesn't seem like a lot. LOL It's still 37 tiles! Up the ladder, down the ladder. I'm sure by the time I'm getting done I'll have figured out how to put those things in the first try. 37 tiles and that just hasn't happened yet. *sigh*

Not to mention I had to repair some duct work...which would explain why the basement is now suddenly warmer. (this is a good thing!)
And I tore out one of the light fixtures without electrocuting myself! (yep, I'm proud! LOL--and glad to be alive! ROFL!) Darn near fell off the ladder though--that sucker was a whole lot heavier than I bargained for.

I got laundry done.
I even fixed 'real food' for dinner tonight. I'm told one cannot sustain life by ONLY consuming popcorn.
Dunno about that--and I'm guessing I won't know since I had baked chicken for dinner tonight.

And don't tell, but I've decided I won't be shaving my legs. *snicker* Yep. No razor for me!
Okay--truth is I didn't shave my legs last night.
Wowie!! A whole day without shaving. I might go for two if I can put up with the itchy scratchy feeling.

Sooooo--half the ceiling done, paperwork done, laundry done, critter feeding done (and boy was THAT a fun experience!)--I'm making progress!

Now--if I could JUST remember to make the bed in the morning.
*chuckling*
Haven't made the darn thing since the Brit took off outta here!
It's the guest room. I just----close the door.

The Gerbil

"One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.

"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.

I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."

A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.

One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.

No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.

I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.

I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.

"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.

One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since.
The moral of the story?
Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy."

Mr. Stuffy Bear

Mr. Stuffy Bear is awful good company.

This is the 'little' bear that my sister sent to me when my step-mother was dying and she couldn't be here..........My sister has this strange understanding of what 'little' means.

My father and I lived solo for a good number of years--about 11, if I do the math correctly. I played wife, daughter, housekeeper, cook-- I was the 'responsible child'. Leastwise for all appearances I was looking pretty responsible. LOOKS were everything--the entire family was into 'how it looked' and not into what was true.

My father came home one day and let me know he'd met and asked a gal to marry him--but that the two of them would wait until I was done with high school if I preferred. I HAD to be gracious and say it was his life. (where this gal had come from, I hadn't a clue--that's how good we were at keeping secrets in our family.) They got married and I proceeded to do what any good 'I've been running this household for YEARS and you want me to be the CHILD now?!' teenager would do.
I revolted and tried to trash the marriage. And I DID try. Most of it was typical teenage crap. Some of it was downright malicious.

The woman loved my father.
I'd never seen anyone love my father but me. Even the rest of the siblings tucked tail and ran when my mother died.
But here was a woman who wouldn't go away, who loved him enough to set limits not only with me, but with the rest of the clan who'd guilted him for all he was worth for years without me ever knowing.

My father died before their fifth anniversary together.
He was her second husband. She'd married when she was young and lost her first husband prior to their fifth anniversary when he had a heart attack in the bed next to her. She remained single over twenty years--only to marry and have a repeat of the first loss. My father died in the backyard's garden. He'd gone to pick some radishes for the dinner she was cooking him. She vowed she's never marry again after my father died.............she kept that vow.

Somewhere along the way I discovered she wasn't the evil person I'd deemed her to be.
She walked me through some really tough moments.
She was there for the marriage, for the domestic abuse, for the birthings of her grandchildren, for the separation, for the bottoming outs and the slow ascents upward towards the light, for the hospitalizations and the surgeries and the beginnings of the chemo-therapy........

I stayed in her life because I chose to be honest about our beginnings.
I made the decision to love her because she'd been my father's wife and my only 'parent'.
She cared enough to say what she thought and I couldn't bully her away. I was alone and scared enough to want something different.
Shortly before her death I'd asked her to consider adopting me.
She was the only mother I'd ever known.
I was the only child she'd ever had.
She declined, stating that I'd had a mother. She wouldn't dishonour that. But she made it clear that I had her heart and I wouldn't be able to dishonour that. She was right.

When she had the series of strokes that finally claimed her it was just me who showed up--and I showed up every day. To this day-I can do that drive to University Hospitals blindfolded.
We took a turn in the course of events and suddenly it was me being there for her for surgeries and doctors and hospitals and more surgeries. We laughed, we cried, we were gut wrenchingly honest.

Mr. Stuffy Bear came in a small box.
My sister had smooshed him in AS tightly as she could. He literally sprung from the box when I cut the tape.
He slept with me during some lonely, tough moments.
Losing a parent is a horribly hard thing.....Losing your last parent--forever life changing in a weird sort of way.
I'd had practice in losing parents. But I was totally blindsided when I lost that last parent. I didn't have a clue how final that made a vast array of things.

Mr. Stuffy Bear was my portable hug at a time when I needed all the hugs I could get and there was no hug 'availability' in my life. He was there when she was taken by G-d...he's remained my portable hug-ee/hugger.
He's hugged me through cancer and leukemia, through surgeries and brain tumors, through deaths of loved ones around me, through the darkness and emptiness known only by people who've journeyed some of the places I've journeyed.

Mr. Stuffy Bear sits on our bed.

And the Brit lets him.

Minus One Brit

Okay--so I didn't get to bed until 2a.m. yesterday--and then I was up at five, outta the house by eight, put fifteen hours in at work, watched it snow eight inches and blow 35-40mph, fielded calls from three staff who couldn't drive the 20 miles cuz they were snowed in courtesy of the 2 foot drifts, working with 24 kiddos ages 13-17 with six other 'adults'. And it's now midnight.
Eeessshhh!

So I had a tough time getting to sleep.
I felt like some idiot checking the locks twice before crawling into bed last eveing.....And I slept IN the guest room no less...........*rolling eyes* WITH Mr. Stuffy Bear.

I've become pathetic.

And since WHEN has being alone in this house at night been an issue?!!!?!

Two in the morning and I'm laying there, cursing myself for suddenly becoming a lock checker.....not to mention a poor excuse for an 'independent and self sufficient individual'.
And, G-d help me, but I'm laying there with my brain warping into really weird places-- including wondering if I've reached that 'if one of us goes, the other will be close behind' status!!
*shaking head*
I need to be super tired tonight so the brain won't even bother to think.

Like THAT'LL happen!!! LOL

OMG--I've become pathetic.........

Let the DIY Insanities BEGIN!!!

Whatever happened to 'service' that you used to get from those lumberyards/doityourself places?

Okay, okay-----so I've started a project.
Actually, I stopped on the way back from the airport and picked up ceiling tiles for the basement cuz I've been threatening to do that for some time. It was going to be a 'small' project. Apparently I 'forgot' that the train-room we're redoing in the basement is the length of the house?

But really--didn't they use to load your supplies into the truck for you? I seem to remember them doing stuff like that once upon a time.....
Yeah, well--they didn't. They probably thought it was kind to load the five bundles of tiles onto a cart. Maybe it was.....I was waiting for some fella to come load them into the Jeep. Seems I coulda been waiting all afternoon forgoodnesssakes! Sheeeshhhh!

Darn bundles are awkward to move--and heavy.

The good news is that I got them into the Jeep, out of the Jeep, and into the basement. I tore out ten old ones, whipped out the utility knife, cut some to size and replaced 'em with new ones already!

But I gotta tell ya.....that is one BIG room.
Small wonder I joked that we oughta turn it into a bowling alley.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that five bundles isn't going to be enough.
Which means............yep--I'll be loading them into the Jeep, out of the Jeep, and down to the basement at least one more time.

Ya know--I really DO remember them loading stuff for you at those kinda places.
I must not have looked helpless enough or somethin'........

And I changed my mind on the lighting down there -- so I'm gonna haffta try my hand at ripping out the fixtures that are there and see if I can get some spotlights put in without electrocuting myself. (that would be a good plan--he'd be REAL worked up if electrocution happened in his absence! LOLOL)

And while I was ripping out some of the tiles I noticed that I have to find a couple new ceiling vents, too.
AND fix the duct work so they're sitting flush with the ceiling.

Did I mention that it's a freaking HUGE room?

Ya know.........I just might haffta talk him into extending the visit if I keep this up! LOLOL

The Journal Quote

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love............


And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. "
Kahlil Gibran

I love the Brit.
I love that we've been graced with every opportunity to love as we've always wanted TO love.
I love the man so much--it's just weirder than weird.....

Morning Meditations--A New Day.....

"I will love you no matter what.

I will love you if you are stupid, if you slip and fall on your face, if you do the wrong thing, if you make mistakes, if you behave like a human being-I will love you no matter."

When you fall out of bed, angry still, and surrender nonetheless, even if you don't FEEL like it......if you pray, even in while you're still gut wrenchingly angry--you hear something you might not even want to hear......

"My child is angry. That's okay."

I think I would have much rather heard "then f**k you if you demand understanding to love".
I would have felt validated to stay gut wrenchingly angry and I wouldn't be a tearful, emotional mess.

Sleep With Angels...........

I'm pretty sure G-d knows I'm angry right now....

Wiseperson in my life is a busy man. He's got a world of people and things he's responsible to and responsible for. There's the three kiddos--all of which were put through college. The job that he's worked at for 25 years....and the wife that taught grade school kiddos at a Catholic school. He's just good people. His kiddos are great kiddos. His wife had just finished round two on treatment for leukemia--Michelle was home and trying to gather the pieces of her life back together and gratefully in remission.....looking for a bit of normalcy after months and months of treatment and chaos.

I rang wiseperson on Thursday--wanting to play catch-up cuz I hadn't talked with him all week and I needed to let him know that I wasn't feeling the best and probably wouldn't be seeing him at the Friday night meeting. He told me it was good I'd rang--I'd just caught him cuz he was heading out the door. They'd admitted Michelle to the hospital with pnemonia the day prior. He was heading out the door to spend time at the hospital with her. We didn't have a whole lot of time to chat.

I told him I'd ring him on Monday.

Today's Monday--and true to my word, I rang him.

I caught him at home late this afternoon and I knew something was changed in him.

G-d took Michelle late Sunday evening.


I'm gut wrenchingly ANGRY.

I don't get it.
I don't profess that I'm so special that I OUGHT to get it.
I don't know that I want to get it.

At this moment I'm all about G-d being FAIR and JUST and LOVING...... HE'S NOT--leastwise not that I can see at this moment.
Maybe I don't wanna see.
Maybe there's nothing TO see.




Sleep with Angels, Michelle.
Amen............

An Unloving Moment.......

When my neighbour passed away his daughter decided to remain in the house. She's resided there for almost a year now.
Yesterday 'the word' got to me that she and her family intend to move back to Virginia in the next month. It's where her once upon a time estranged spouse is from (he moved in with her following Leroy's death). It's where the three kiddos are from. At last count, I believe there are five kiddos living in the house with them--none of them can complete a sentence if the 'f**k' word is exempt. They have five dogs. Four of them massively HUGE things, one's an anklebiter.

I think I'm a bad neighbour, cuz I'm celebrating the upcoming move.

Diagonally across the street is a new family who moved in late last fall. We've me twice. It's a young couple with their three kiddos. And the dad's brother apparently resides there with them. They appear nice enough--the kiddos wave to me if they're outside playing.

The Brit has stood outside more than once keeping an eye on the massive dogs who are separated from the rest of the world by a flimsy gate and a (PLEASE let it be strong) chain that is meant to keep them in the small back yard. He's worried one will get over the fence and attack the kiddos who are outside playing. The kiddos seem oblivious to the incessant barking of the dogs.
I had tried to convince the Brit that standing there with his arms crossed will NOT stop an angry dog from attacking children. I rang our local police to let them know the concerns.

I now see that there's a 'Beware of the dogs' sign outside of the house.
I don't think that'll deterr them from mauling a small child if they get past that gate... *sigh*

When one can rip loose from the owner and chase a full grown man into his Jeep...that's not good.
When the owner comes to retrieve the dog, screams at it and kicks it and offers no apology to the 'almost victim'--that's not good either.

I've refused to let their actions deterr me from living life on this corner of the block.
I've confronted the language a vast number of times. I've talked with the mom about the late hours of visitors/children in the home who rev their cars up and down the street. I've talked with the local police about commotions and dogs and squealing tires, fights where windows get broken and screaming kids exit, yelling obscenities at all hours.

Forgive me if I sound 'unloving'......
The move will be welcomed.