Thought for Today.....

There is great power in truth.

There is great power in authenticity.

It can be comforting for a while to overlook or deny who you truly are, in order to go along with the crowd.

Yet it is a false comfort that never does last.

There is no person you can pretend to be who is as powerful and effective as the person you really are.

No identity you might try to manufacture will ever work as well as the identity that has always been a part of you.

Another reminder.

G-d will take what appears to be the awfullest of circumstances and use them to create wondrously, awesome things.

You can start creating now.
Tyvm.

Can we be done now, please?

And the good times just keep on a comin'!!






The girl rang me last night to let me know she's pregnant.





Wait.
Let me say that again.

The girl......is pregnant.

Yep, the very girl that was told by her oncologist NOT to run out and get pregnant for at least six months--the one who sat across from the table with her mother and heard clearly and swore she was smarter than that......is pregnant.

Oh boy.

NEVER a dull moment.
She asked that I save the congratulations until she reaches that first trimester mark cuz she's a prime candidate for a miscarriage.

k.......
I can do this.
I can DO this.


I CAN do this.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Take note of the setbacks and adjust to them.
But don't expand on them by making them a part of you.

C'mere little reading fairy.......I won't hurt you.....I PROMISE!

Captured Memory

Today's Reminder.....tyvm.....

Adversity is only adversity.

Choose not to make it anything more.
Adversity will affect the circumstances in which you live and work.

Yet you do not have to let it affect who you are, or where you're headed, or what you're able to do.
Take note of the setbacks and adjust to them.

But don't expand on them by making them a part of you.

....today's reminder to self.....

Reminder to self:

WHEN you give the nurse your concerns and ask that the Doc ring you--you can expect that'll happen within an hour's time.
It would be GOOD to tell folks to disturb you from the meeting for that phone call.
Yeah........well, I didn't......so I called back and he was with a patient.
And then he rang back within the hour AGAIN.
<--second time was smarter and told the staff to pull me from the meeting! (I AM teachable!!!!)

"How about you come in this afternoon."

Could we make that tomorrow?

"How about you come in this afternoon?"

Doc--tomorrow would work better for me.

"How about you come in this afternoon?"

Right. How about if I come in this afternoon!
Ummm..........Doc? Can I tell you that you're scaring me?

"How about you come in this afternoon....we'll do some tests, we'll talk. Save tomorrow for some other tests."

Righhhhhhtttttttttttt......





I do feel better after talking with him.
I'll feel WAY better after we 'rule out' some things.

I told him I wouldn't give him any guff (cuz I've been known to give him LOTS of guff.....) if he wanted to send my information on to Rochester for consultation purposes.



I was.... cooperative?





That speaks loudly, huh?













I ain't tellin' himself and you can't make me.

Captured Memory

TFTD

We get off the right path occasionally, but go merrily on our way until barriers surface, doors close, and experiences become painful.

Pain, repeatedly experienced, indicates a need for self-assessment, an inventory of our behavior.

Honest self-appraisal may well call for change, a change in attitude perhaps, a change in specific behavior in some instances, or maybe a change in direction.

!! Please excuse the neurotic moment..... !!

Please remember that while this is public and open for comment, this is a place where I've always felt free to simply say what's true for me...so bare with me a second--and remember this too shall pass.....but I gotta say what's true.


I'm afraid they've missed something.....

Or maybe the more accurate thing to say is just "I'm afraid."




I woke up this morning with a new bruise on my face.
Yesterday it was a bruise on the jawline of the right side.

Today it's a bruise on the jawline of the left side.

And they're not the 'sore and hurt' kinda bruises. They're just the 'red and I have no reason to have 'em where they're showing UP' bruises.
Blood spots, probably?

It could be a simple matter of being septic on the medications I'm taking.

This is past being 'old'.
It's been seven months of weird problems.
Dr. Neo-Nazi referred me on to a Gastro doc--and I missed the last appointment with him cuz of other 'crisis' stuff.
I'll ring him up this morning and reschedule
And I'll ring Dr. Neo-Nazi--who's known me for a number of years (much to his dismay....LOL) and make arrangements to show up.

But really.
I'm down five dress sizes.
And I'm worried.
Heck, I've BEEN worried......and the Brit's been obsessed. Oh BOY has he been obsessed....



I know the doc said it would be a process and a half getting that bacteria count back up to where it needed to be--but we're talking seven MONTHS worth of crud....and for three months I've been taking good bacteria pills and I'm STILL dropping dress sizes?


And there's these stupid bruises on my face this morning.

Maybe I'm just septic on the meds?

LOL When I'm thinkin' that's a GOOD thing--that oughta tell me something.

Yup......calling the doc isn't optional today. Thinkin' it's required.





Shit.
Nope. Ain't tellin' him.....

Captured Memory

The house that Jack built........

And yes.... I need to quit drinking....is a known fact....cuz my liver hurts.

You know this is beyond 'not good', don't you?

I know Mel... I gotta get a grip on this.

Seems to me THIS has a grip on you. ....Is there a particular reason you're hell bent on destroying yourself?

I ask myself that every day... honest....

And the answer you come to?

I have guesses... maybe truthful answers... does saying I have the genes count?

Only for a part of it. What's the rest of the answer?

I don't wanna face the answers Mel.... you know this without my having to tell you.

That's a part of the exercise in asking the question......but you know that-- Which is why I'm not getting an answer....Which is what you're counting on.....Which lives in the house that Jack built...... All the intellect in the world and still you won't.....

Line, right?

I don't talk A, B and C with you. You don't talk A, B and C with me.

What a deal, eh?

...We can talk anything. We just don't necessarily answer everything.

So... speakin of lines...wanna play hangman??

We're already playing hangman.

Kinda sorta....

Yeah.... And the rope's getting tighter.........

Yaknow.....I really, really care about your life...

It'll be okay Mel. This will pass.

So you want me to watch you kill yourself.

Every day at 4p.m. he leaves the office and goes home.

Jack is his best friend--though he tells me his best friend.... is me.

Every day he exits the house, hits his patio and stares into the wilderness that is his backyard.

Every day he pours himself a tall one to 'decompress'.

Every day he drinks his way into 'the zone'.

By 5:30pm he's mellow and utterly charming.
By 7:30pm he's spiteful and hurtful and malicious.
By 9:30pm he's wanting reassurance, wanting someone to care about him and his world.

And by 7am, he's without recollection of any maliciousness--"That was yesterday and today's a new day. If I got ugly last night, I apologize."

He's a man of routine.
I've been a part of his routine for years.
For years I could feel it coming.

For years I've dabbled in asking the questions that put uncomfortable silence between the two of us.
For months now, I've refused to do little except address the visable problem.

I know he cares about me and my life.
He used to care about his life.
I saw glimpses of that this afternoon when he stopped in for a chat.

When I rang at 6:05--mellow and charming. But the desire to talk even a piece of what's driving him towards self destruction........was gone.

And at 10:10, when he rang the house-- he was frightened that this 'deal' was bigger than him.

I assured him the best that I could......

......It is.

Today's Fairy Reminder....

It is a sign of our love to respect others' right to choose for themselves, even to make choices we may not agree with.

How often do we, in the name of love, try to force our choices on others?

When we give the gift of letting loved ones choose what is right for them, it strengthens our ability to choose what is right for us.

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

<-- not panicking..k....

"You do realize we can't put Studley out....."

Whooooooooa there--just a minute....

"They'll undoubtedly park the truck there."

Whaddayatalkin'about....

"The roofers?"

O
M
G

OMG OMG OMG!!!!

"I don't see how we can do any different, really."

O
M
G

Maybe they can do it after Halloween?

"Oh yes, I'm sure they'd love doing it in December...."

OMG!!!!!

Call 'em.

O
M
G

I mean, really....how much is it to ask that they work around an 8 foot spider.....

Captured Memory

*ahemmmmm*

ONE MORE TIME....this time with feeling!



Waahhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

k....he's just too cute.....

Fairy reminder......

Peace is what remains when you've surrendered your ego and your fears.

Peace is always there, patiently waiting for you to turn towards it.

Waaahhhhhrrrrrrr!!!!!

*nodding*

It's the invasion of the Giant Candy Corn Monster!!!!!!

Waahhhhrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Ya'll need to be afraid....LOL


:-)

QOTW 9/14

When someone says "You're really good at that.".....what's the 'that' they're referring to?

Handling crisis.

I seem to possess this 'on/off' switch thats comes in handy.

It flips to 'off' in times of crisis and I become the calm voice of reason.

After it passes and all is calm....'on' happens.

Not a whole lot of people get to witness the 'on'.













P.S. I like it that way.

Captured Memory

Sleeping with Bread

In this past week: What was my greatest desolation? What was my greatest consolation?



She's having surgery the 15th--which is Monday. Stage 4 ovarian cancer-going to Ohio to be treated has given her almost five years. You can count the number of people who survive five years of Stage 4 ovarian cancer on one hand.
And Friday--we talked.

She finally heard the oncology surgeon.
This will kill her......she's on borrowed time. Monday's surgery involves the removal of another multitude of tumors and a colostomy. They'll hope to buy enough time to put her back on the treatment which gave her remission earlier.
She's finally got a sense of how real this is. Five years of granted time--and she was finally able to 'hear' that she'll die from this......or complications from it.

We talked Friday.
She cried.
She's scared.
She's got a pregnant daughter, another who's recently attempted to take herself from the planet.....she's not ready to leave them behind--not ready to be 'done' being the mother, sister,daughter, friend, co-worker that she is.

I reminded her she's a child of G-d....and she's been graced to be allowed to be here.
But all G-d's kiddos get to go home.
She gets the privilege of knowing that's a part of the equation.
She can choose what to do with that knowing.

I hope for her to choose wisely.


My greatest desolation this week has been watching this all unfold-- for her...and for the people around her.
She's an awesome woman--this is not what I wanted for her.

But I don't get to make the call.
And how many times have those very things I've judged as 'bad', evolved into greatness?


This has been my greatest consolation:

...that I'm still a horrid 'judge' of what's 'good' for others.
...that I'm not in the position of 'deciding' for another human being.
...that I, too, am a child of G-d.....and I've been graced to be allowed to be here. And as one of G-d's kiddos--I'll get to 'go home'. I get the privilege of knowing that's a part of the equation. I get to choose what I do with that knowing.


...that G-d will take what appears to be the awfullest of circumstances and use them to create wondrously, awesome things.