Ringing in the New Year

Notoriously, the Eve has always been a sombering time for me. I have glimpses of the past, prior to the New Years Eve that changed my life--but I have to wonder if those aren't borrowed memories.
Last year? Ya know, I can't remember what we did.

But I remember vividly the Eve that the hospital rang --and the look on my father's face as he rushed from the house because my mother had 'taken a turn for the worse'. I remember well how I'd spent the day begging to walk to the hospital to see my mother and how my father had refused to let his two youngest daughters go out in the bitter cold. I remember how dark it was when he rushed out....how late in the evening it was.....how I was suppose to be asleep while the 'big kids' got to stay up and usher in the New Year.
I remember praying over and over again--an unselfish prayer because I'd heard the hushed conversations of family who mysteriously and suddenly appeared. I sat on the stairs and heard their whispers about how she'd stopped breathing for an extended period of time and if she did live what quality of life she'd have....

Dear G-d, please let my mom live to see the new year come.
Over and over I prayed--even when they carried me off to bed.

Dear G-d, please let my mom live to see the new year come.


I didn't ask He not take her.
I didn't ask for more than that bit of time to hear the bells ring in the New Year.
I wanted her to hear the bells.

Unanswered prayers........We buried her on January 2nd--the frozen ground made it impossible to do it on January 1st.

And thus began my longstanding resentment with G-d.



(((((((((((((((((((((((( G-d ))))))))))))))))))))))))
We've come a longgggggggggg way, baby.

But it's still the Eve.
And I can still be envious of those with moms in their lives......while being eternally grateful that I get to BE a mom today.

It's the Eve of the New Year.
They do ring the bells here in this small town.
And I do hear them......

Nope--I don't remember what I did last New Years Eve.



Ahhhhhhhh.........But I DO remember hearing the bells...........