Sleeping with bread....

I've had some quiet time this morning, in between getting the ribs browned and in the slow cooker--and getting to my Sunday morning A.A. meeting.  *sigh*  I've needed every moment of 'nourishment' I can get my hands on.

It's the little things life hands me that I've been giving power to--and not the 'gifts', but the trials.  They've gotten a lot of my attention.  The 'crud' that took me down for a number of days and the unwelcomed tiredness that came with it.  Then the eye infection which interfered with everything--the job, the household responsibilities....any form of light created 'someone's putting a spike through my eyeball' kind of pain.

And then there's the exhausting ever present chronic pain that we just can't seem to get a handle on.

All that physical stuff has been exhausting, robbing me 'normalcy' and 'having a life'.  Or so it seems.....

And during all that physical stuff--there's been moment of joy.  There's always moments of joy.  

I notice them.

I acknowledge them.

I remain grateful that I 'get' those moments.

I'd suppose I'd be having (what WPIML called) an "ungrateful snot" moment.

It's not feeling like "enough".

I know the true source is the chronic pain.  

I know it "could be worse".

I know I could have worse troubles than this.  I've experienced 'worse' troubles than this.  And I've experienced exhaustion in varying degrees--this isn't THERE yet.  

But THIS isn't going away.  THIS has no 'end'.

*sigh*  And THIS carrying on has no purpose--it changes NOTHING.

I have joy.

I have so many things to be grateful for.

I never dared to dream for what I have today.

Those joys are what I hang on to when I struggle.

And for some reason (because I MAKE it one...*sigh*) it is a struggle.

But I'll continue to interrupt the whining to give 'air time' to the wonders of spring unfolding, to the loving actions of a husband I never could have imagined having, to the miracle of life which will come to me as a wriggling sister/brother to the Bug, and to the opportunities to be of service to G-d and others that get dropped in front of me.  

I'll continue to let those things bring me the energy which I purport I do not have.   

I'll strive to NOT let this pain dictate my life.

If there's something "I don't have the energy for", THAT needs to be it.

The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. 

It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff.