TFTD

Enjoy the comfort that you have attained, while being careful not to let that comfort become a prison.

As nice as comfort can be, so much of life's richness lies outside the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Sleeping with Bread

What is Sleeping with Bread?
During the bombing raids of WWII, thousands of children were orphaned and left to starve. The fortunate ones were rescued and placed in refugee camps where they received food and good care. But many of these children who had lost so much could not sleep at night. They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them. Finally, someone hit upon the idea of giving each child a piece of bread to hold at bedtime. Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, "Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow."

(Linn, Dennis et al, Sleeping With Bread, p.l)

These are the beginning words of a book that introduced me to a practice called the examen.

The orphans held on to what nourished them and were thus able to sleep peacefully at night. The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff. It is quite simple. You simply ask yourself, in the last day/week/month what gave me consolation and what caused me desolation.

You can also phrase the question in any of the following ways:

For what am I most grateful? Least grateful?

When did I give and receive the most love? The least love?

When did I feel most alive? Most drained of life?

When did I have the greatest sense of belonging? Least sense of belonging?

When was I most free? Least free?

When was I most creative? Least creative?

When did I feel most connected? Least connected?

When did I feel most fully myself? Least myself?

When did I feel most whole? Most fragmented?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

No surprise here......dealing with the aftermath of the girl's cancer diagnosis has giving me the most desolation this past week.
I've had a moment or two of glancing upwards and saying not so kind things to The Big Guy. Disrespectful......darn right mean-- I'm grateful my G-d tolerates childish temper tantrums from me...."My child is angry and that's okay......"

Yep......I'm still pretty angry about that one. And sad. Beyond sad...cuz I'm clear it ain't 'fair' and it certainly isn't what I wanted for her.

Right, wrong or indifferent--I'm feeling bad because of the part genetics play in all this. Yes, I know I didn't ask for MY genetics either....all the rational, reasonable statements in the world doesn't change how it 'feels' to have a piece in 'gifting' your child with hard circumstances that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.....and we're talking my child.....

I'll get past it. I spent time operating in 'crisis mode'. That's something I do well. I 'switch off' and get done what needs to be done. There's time enough to 'feel all your feelings' later. I guess I'm playing 'catch up'...

As things shape up for her and she finds some peace in the circumstances, so shall I. But it's been hard...... I never planned for this one. I guess I deluded myself that somehow she'd be exempt.
She's 27...... *sigh*


The greatest consolation comes in knowing she's 'okay' for today.
They oncologist is confident that the cells were removed. And for today, it's the 'wait and see'. She's crabby, she's moody....and she's trying desperately to deal with what this all means.
She's 27.....and she's a wonderfully smart and talented kiddo. She's grabbed on to some of the same coping skills her mother uses--she got through the moment and is just getting around to letting the feelings catch up to her. Only, she's not sure which are hers and which are the hormones they're shoving into her. That's okay. She's getting an opportunity--and for today, she's okay.
I'm beyond grateful for that.
And if I had to pick a cancer for the kiddo--a cureable one would be the pick. And this one's cureable--at a price.
It's a seemingly high price for a 27 year old who wanted babies of her own. She'll either have them soon, before the cancer reoccurs, or she'll have babies through other means. I assured her that there's more than one way to have a baby in your life.

I'm grateful she's getting an opportunity TO have a baby--to be alive.... Cuz having a baby is the easy part.......

Raising them and walking through hardships with them--that's a whole 'nother thing, eh?

I'm grateful to be so loved that I was afforded the opportunity.

"...Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him in the next.

Amen."

Just another 'pathway to peace', eh?

Choose fairy

Choose to live not in a world that's overwhelmed with problems.

Choose instead to live in a world that is overflowing with positive possibilities.

Practice time!!!!!!!!

k.....so this morning it was 54 degrees and jeans happened.
*sigh*

Toooooooo soon, dangitall.
I am NOT ready for summer to go away yet.

So--yeah--I was pouting. LOL

For all practical purposes, the best himself could tell, I looked really, really, REALLY pathetically sad sitting on the patio with a sweatshirt and jeans on....AND shoes (*sniffle*). Oooohhhhhh......*sniffle*
I am SOOOOOOOOOO not ready.....

See that?!

Look really, really close.
Uh huh.....HALLOWEEN thingies!!!!

*snickering*

Retail therapy!!!!!!! LOL
Who'da thunk Mel did Retail Therapy?!

<---MEL....when she knows HALLOWEEN stuff has hit the stores and she needs a semi-plausible excuse to get 'allowed' to make a HALLOWEEN purchase....

k.....I already manipulated ittsy bitsy grave stones that light up for the HALLOWEEN village--but lemme tell ya......*looking for witnesses* Lookin' sad on the patio swing, shivering and occasionally sniffling WORKS! (k.....mighta not have been too far a stretch cuz I was pouting--that's kinda sorta sad, right?)

Yup.....and he didn't bat an eye when I picked up treat bags and toys! Balloons and wiggly eye games and yo-yo's and stickers and those slide the square game dealie-bobbers to make a picture toys......ohhhhhhhhhhhh....

And sticky thingies to put on the bathroom mirror!!!!!

*nodding*
Aren't they just too darn cute?!

k.......so the rule is nothing goes up or out until after 9/11.
It's just......disrespectful. Yup.

But I've got another pout in me somewhere....*snickering* And I'm bettin' it'd be good for putting the sticky thingies up on the bathroom mirror REAL soon.

Soooooo.......*snickering*.... Excuse me while I go practice my bestest sad look.....

:-)

Oh.
Gosh dangitall........wrong look!!!!!!! LOL

:-(

:-(

:-(

:-(

(how'm I doin'?)

Captured Memory

Today's Thought

Things are being worked out in us, and in others.

Blocks in us are being removed.

A solid foundation is being laid.

Be patient, relax and trust.

Let go.

Then, let go some more.

Good things are planned for us.

We will receive them at the first available moment.

Relax and trust.

Fairy thought

We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.

Do our best for the moment, and then let it go.

If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.

We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment.

We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.

Striving for excellence is a positive quality.

Striving for perfection is self-defeating.

How to make a The Brit sit and spin.....

k.......ready?
k.


So......
Eat lots of cheese and potato pie (literally smashed taters with cheese and spices mixed in... and then baked).

Then, when you're walking around--stuffed from all that you ate, say something to the likes of....

"Ohmygosh.....I'm walking around with this lump of a potato in my tummy!!"

"It was lumpy? ......Really?"

"No, silly....I'm talking the lump of a potato that's in my tummy from eating so much..."

"I didn't think it was lumpy.......you thought it was lumpy?"

"Nope. It was great! But I ate so much that I feel this lump of potato just sittin' there."

"I'm sorry.....I didn't realize it was lumpy....."




O
M
G


Ya think he's a tad neurotic?!

I'm drawing a picture for him.
I MEAN IT!!

Yup.....bad plan........

Bad plan.

BAD PLAN.

BAD PLAN!!

*sigh*

So I had a meeting rescheduled for 8a.m. Thursday morning.
Did I think about it--nah.....I wrote in on my appointment book and moaned about back to back meetings starting at 9a.m. and ending some time around 3p.m. I'm not particularly thrilled about meetings anyway...but it's part of the deal and I'm required to show up and be a part of them.

Fine.

It dawned on me last evening--Fuzzy Thursday was gonna happen.....greattttttttttt.

Yup....and I was expected to be at a 9a.m. meeting (which meant I'd get to leave home at 8a.m. for the hour drive).

Did it cross my mind to call the boss and tell him that was a bad plan for me?

NOPE.

Did I take my required handfull earlier Wednesday evening? Yup.

And did I get myself up earlier in order to load myself up with coffee so I could hit the road by 8a.m.? Yup.

BAD PLAN!!!!!!!!

Oh, I got to the meeting place by 9a.m. safe and sound.

It was just the place that the 12:30p.m. meeting was going to happen in......not the 8a.m. meeting place, of course......

So I did manage to make the 9a.m. meeting by 9:20a.m.
And did I contribute worth a darn......nope.

The boss asked me, part way through the meeting, if everything was okay.

"Yup....everything's just grand, thanks!"

BAD PLAN!!!!!

And did I make the 12:30p.m. meeting on time?

NOPE!

I decided I oughta grab something to eat in hopes that'd piece the rest of the day together for me--obviously I needed to do something to improve that participation.
And since I can't eat just 'anything' right now....I decided where I needed to go to get something decent in me and grabbed it 'to go'.

So, back on the road....and yep, darned if I didn't miss that exit that woulda took me to the building that I'd been to at 9a.m.!

And because I'm an anal retentive person about time and I make it practice NEVER to be late to stuff cuz it makes me crazy TO be late--which, of course my boss knows--he again looked at me and asked if everything was okay.

"Yup....everything's just grand, thanks!"

And did I arrive safely at home following the meeting?
NOPE.

But I got a good start on it--before I remembered that I had a physician's appointment and turned the car around.

Can I just mention how pride and ego created the whole freaking screwed up day?
Nah.

.....not thinkin' there's a need to......

Captured Memory

Fairy repetition WILL teach....

Look back on your life up to this point and you'll quickly see that many of your worries and concerns were completely unfounded.

So why do you still insist on cranking out those worries at every turn of events?
How many times have you looked back on an occasion with the regret that you didn't simply enjoy yourself?

There's nothing you can do about those past regrets--there's plenty you can do about right now.
It's ridiculously easy to enjoy life, no matter what the situation.

It's just a matter of letting go.

Let go of the worry and anxiety, of the anger and envy, of the need to be right and the need to control everyone else.

Let go of the need to have everything your way.

Stop worrying and fighting so much, and start enjoying a little more.

Give joy some breathing room .

Captured Memory

No evenings?!

I think there's a conspiracy.

See--I've been working in this field for...ohgosh....how many years....eek....all totaled, various jobs/positions.....30?!

For the last--goshknowshowmanyyears I've made it practice to work every holiday.
I have this thing about NOT asking people to do things if I'm not willing/doing them myself.
It just doesn't make for credibility, yaknow?
So when I ask kiddos to 'take their own inventory'....they can rest assured I take mine as well.
And when I ask my staff to work on a holiday--they can rest assured they'll see me on the holiday as well.

And face it, holidays are tough times for folks.
Tough enough when you're in your own home getting to deal with family 'ick'....tougher still when you find yourself estranged from your family cuz of your own choices.

Yeah, well.....I like working holidays and nights.
Oddly enough I'm the only administrator that does work holidays and nights.
I snicker when my boss asks his 'next in commands' where he can reach them over a holiday.
He passes right over me--cuz he knows where he can find me. LOL It's been ONE of his bones of contention for some time now. He seems to think I work too many hours as is--don't even get him started on holidays and evening hours......oh sheeeeeeeshhhhh can that man go on and on and on.

I'm not sure HOW I'm suppose to be working with kiddos and families if I'm not showing up in the times the families are able to be present. Ummm....working families work? The bestest time for them to visit kiddos is-----yup.....weekends, evenings and holidays!

But there's still this conspiracy goin' on....
Last week MY next in commands were working on the schedule and suddenly they're breaking it to me very non-challantly, that I wasn't needed the two nights that I generally make my evenings with the kiddos.
THIS week, they've managed to do it again--cuz of all of the stupid meetings I have this week and the end of the month stuff that's required of me....oy it's dumb stuff--but it's still required, apparently.

No weeknights on the schedule for me?
They wouldn't look at me when they casually mentioned that they needed me part of the day on the holiday and no nights this week.
Now--granted we have circumstances that have my next in commands making the schedule week by week for a bit of time......

k......I know it's just the circumstances today.
WHY do I get the feeling they're trying to make that my destiny?!


Oh....I'm pretty sure it was their quick exit after they'd made their announcement of no nights this week either....
And I'm almost sure they've consulted the boss about all this....

Fairy Reminder for the Day.....

Words have little meaning if there is no conviction to support them.

When your words come directly from who you most sincerely are, they carry with them great power.

Do not make the mistake of attempting to deceive others with what you say.

For once your words are found to be insincere, you will have great difficulty being taken seriously again.

***k......rawrrr.....that's it.....into the hallway with the stupid book....

Things that make me happy

....watching Thammy the Thnake watch me watchin' the 'puter screen.

....finding ANYthing in the closet that doesn't make wrinkles on my rearend!

....smiley faces made of mustard.

....bare feets on the lap.

....cool stickers on postcards.

....chicken corma!

....eating an ice cream cone from the cone up! (-:

Captured Memory

Fairy dust.....

Speak clearly, truthfully, with respect and humility.

From the truth of who you are, comes the best of what you say.

** or.....lie and limp a lot?

Patio colours

Page 62 (excuse me for a sec...)

Yeah, yeah.......MORE!

Cuz dontchaknow....if some is good---

;-)

WPIML is a very important person to me. I don't get to get together with him as often as I like--he's way up there and I'm clear down here. But cellphones are wonderful things for checking in.
So he checked in.
And I told him the truth.

I think I wanna go to Florida for those trainings.
And I think I wanna go for wrong motives.

*sigh*
It's a tad messy over here.
Gosh.....go figure it'd get a tad messy over here....

"Selfishness, self centeredness. That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. ... So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making...."

(yep--without cracking the book I can recite that---oughta be able to, it's me through and through....*sigh*) (punctuation's probably screwed up--but what the heck.....)

Yeah.....well.....

So it's messy--cuz I stepped on some toes with the 'best of intentions' (k....my motives weren't pure--even if I want to present that they were......I know they fit under that 'fear and self pity' category) and the end result has been misguided distrust.

INSANE distrust.
As it makes no freaking SENSE distrust.....
And more likely, it's misguided FEAR.......but it feels like distrust.
And I don't LIKE it.

I don't like getting to pay the price for my own stupid choices to withhold information. k.....let's try that again and let it look just like it is....
I don't like getting to pay the price for my own stupid choices to LIE.

Yup....just say what's TRUE here, Mel.
You LIED by omission with sucky, self serving motives and you're pissed off that you're getting to live the consequences of those LIES.

k.....boy, that felt real 'warm and fuzzy'.....

Didn't particularly feel real warm and fuzzy when I laid it on the table for WPIML either.
He wasn't particularly pleased.
I wasn't particularly pleased either......but I'm thinking HIS displeasure and MY displeasure were coming from two different places.

One more time WPIML is assuring me that I place myself outside the REALMS of help when I do what I opted to do.
One more time I'm rationalizing the decision as 'okay' cuz.....*sigh* I can't even make myself look AS stupid as I sounded on the phone with WPIML cuz I'm done lying to myself now.
It's now all about the wreckage I've created by lying--that earned INSANE distrust.

Yup....driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity....

*sitting in my pile of MESS and playing with it*

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

May I just say that postcardsfromfrance are a great break from self created messes?!?

Today's thought

Be slow to take offense if indeed you ever take offense at all. For being offended gains you nothing and can cost you much.
Have patience with the mistakes and follies of others. Instead of harsh criticism, offer genuinely helpful feedback so that everyone benefits.
Forgive early and forgive often. Set yourself free from the heavy burden of resentment, and move quickly beyond the pain.
Learn from your regrets, yet do not punish yourself with them. Today is a new day with more possibilities than ever before.

Be truly thankful for all that is, and for your opportunity to experience it.