Sleeping with Bread

What is Sleeping with Bread?
During the bombing raids of WWII, thousands of children were orphaned and left to starve. The fortunate ones were rescued and placed in refugee camps where they received food and good care. But many of these children who had lost so much could not sleep at night. They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them. Finally, someone hit upon the idea of giving each child a piece of bread to hold at bedtime. Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, "Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow."

(Linn, Dennis et al, Sleeping With Bread, p.l)

These are the beginning words of a book that introduced me to a practice called the examen.

The orphans held on to what nourished them and were thus able to sleep peacefully at night. The examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff. It is quite simple. You simply ask yourself, in the last day/week/month what gave me consolation and what caused me desolation.

You can also phrase the question in any of the following ways:

For what am I most grateful? Least grateful?

When did I give and receive the most love? The least love?

When did I feel most alive? Most drained of life?

When did I have the greatest sense of belonging? Least sense of belonging?

When was I most free? Least free?

When was I most creative? Least creative?

When did I feel most connected? Least connected?

When did I feel most fully myself? Least myself?

When did I feel most whole? Most fragmented?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

No surprise here......dealing with the aftermath of the girl's cancer diagnosis has giving me the most desolation this past week.
I've had a moment or two of glancing upwards and saying not so kind things to The Big Guy. Disrespectful......darn right mean-- I'm grateful my G-d tolerates childish temper tantrums from me...."My child is angry and that's okay......"

Yep......I'm still pretty angry about that one. And sad. Beyond sad...cuz I'm clear it ain't 'fair' and it certainly isn't what I wanted for her.

Right, wrong or indifferent--I'm feeling bad because of the part genetics play in all this. Yes, I know I didn't ask for MY genetics either....all the rational, reasonable statements in the world doesn't change how it 'feels' to have a piece in 'gifting' your child with hard circumstances that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.....and we're talking my child.....

I'll get past it. I spent time operating in 'crisis mode'. That's something I do well. I 'switch off' and get done what needs to be done. There's time enough to 'feel all your feelings' later. I guess I'm playing 'catch up'...

As things shape up for her and she finds some peace in the circumstances, so shall I. But it's been hard...... I never planned for this one. I guess I deluded myself that somehow she'd be exempt.
She's 27...... *sigh*


The greatest consolation comes in knowing she's 'okay' for today.
They oncologist is confident that the cells were removed. And for today, it's the 'wait and see'. She's crabby, she's moody....and she's trying desperately to deal with what this all means.
She's 27.....and she's a wonderfully smart and talented kiddo. She's grabbed on to some of the same coping skills her mother uses--she got through the moment and is just getting around to letting the feelings catch up to her. Only, she's not sure which are hers and which are the hormones they're shoving into her. That's okay. She's getting an opportunity--and for today, she's okay.
I'm beyond grateful for that.
And if I had to pick a cancer for the kiddo--a cureable one would be the pick. And this one's cureable--at a price.
It's a seemingly high price for a 27 year old who wanted babies of her own. She'll either have them soon, before the cancer reoccurs, or she'll have babies through other means. I assured her that there's more than one way to have a baby in your life.

I'm grateful she's getting an opportunity TO have a baby--to be alive.... Cuz having a baby is the easy part.......

Raising them and walking through hardships with them--that's a whole 'nother thing, eh?

I'm grateful to be so loved that I was afforded the opportunity.

"...Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him in the next.

Amen."

Just another 'pathway to peace', eh?