Separation

Okay--so it FEELS like this. There's that sad, sorta lost in the distance sorta feeling happening here. That'll happen when you look at the other half and say "we have to set a date for you to go see the kiddos and the mom....you NEED to go....." It's tough when he gets choked up and says he'd love to see them, but he doesn't want to be separated, we made a vow NOT to be doing this again....the him there, me here. We did it for almost five years. We waded through a whole bunch of barriers so we could BE together. Why it's so tough to sign up for that for a couple of weeks.....I dunno.....

It makes me tearful just putting that in the black and white.
I know it doesn't need to be this big of a deal.
I also know that it's just not feasible for me to get away now--and it might not be feasible for some time.
I tried to tie him down to at least a length of time--and I got "I don't want to go without you." and a hard hug filled with.....I dunno, desperation maybe?

This is a good time to catch a flight over--airfares are pretty decent to England right now.
It really isn't possible for me to get away--I'm four staff down and I've got audits coming up, I've got a whole LOT of stuff that I just can't walk away from.
And when I think of getting to put him on a plane again--watching him LEAVE again...I wanna throw up.......
And here I go again with the tears........

We're veterans at this.
We KNOW how to do this.
And the circumstances are completely changed.

But that familiar, overwhelming sense of sadness and ache for what's going to be gone still prevails.....like some distant look down the tracks in the cold of winter......