In the past few weeks I've been struggling to keep myself upright.
I've not partaken in 'bread making', I've not bothered to look at what's been good in my life during the course of the week--what's sustained me.
I've barely managed that nightly inventory I'm so disciplined in doing.
That energy, that desire--has been absent.
And I'm compelled to be honest.....
I've been wallowing.
I've been wallowing.
Yup--stuck in the muck like a duck.....oh fudgebuckets....
I've said it before, I'll say it again.....gluten free bread--sucks.
The texture's wrong.
The smell is 'off'.
I've said it before, I'll say it again.....gluten free bread--sucks.
The texture's wrong.
The smell is 'off'.
I don't think it's appropriate to mention taste--it'd be......'tasteless' to even try.
It's downright inconvenient.
It brings to me a whole lot of attention that I just do not want.
It alienates me from others (believe that or not--it does...)
I don't like it.
I don't see where I'm reaping any of the rewards from keeping it in my life.
It's downright inconvenient.
It brings to me a whole lot of attention that I just do not want.
It alienates me from others (believe that or not--it does...)
I don't like it.
I don't see where I'm reaping any of the rewards from keeping it in my life.
I'm feel sick more frequently.
I'm not putting on any weight.
The little furry things in my intestines are still protesting just about every time I put something in my mouth.
I'm not putting on any weight.
The little furry things in my intestines are still protesting just about every time I put something in my mouth.
And I just don't see what's in it for me to continue following this stupid restrictive lifestyle.
Lemme say that louder--
I don't see WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME.
Where's MINE?
I've been 'good'.
When you act good, you GET good, right?
Lemme say that louder--
I don't see WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME.
Where's MINE?
I've been 'good'.
When you act good, you GET good, right?
When you DO right things you get right things, right?
So.....lemme say it again.......so this time maybe I'LL hear myself.
So.....lemme say it again.......so this time maybe I'LL hear myself.
What's in it for me?
Gimme MINE.
Gimme MINE.
I'm almost sure I sound a bit like those annoying seagulls in "Finding Nemo"--repetitiously squawking 'mineminemineminemine' to the Big Guy.....
There's a bottom line here--and it's not about 'what's in it for Mel'.
Go figure.
It's about the surrender, I know it is. It's about the trust in what's true and good.....the purpose and the need to do whatever's put in front of me no matter how unpleasant or how 'unrewarded' I see it being.
If it was about seeing 'what's in it for me', I wouldn't be here--today.....with all that I have IN my life TODAY.
The 'reward' for doing right is knowing you did right.
There's a bottom line here--and it's not about 'what's in it for Mel'.
Go figure.
It's about the surrender, I know it is. It's about the trust in what's true and good.....the purpose and the need to do whatever's put in front of me no matter how unpleasant or how 'unrewarded' I see it being.
If it was about seeing 'what's in it for me', I wouldn't be here--today.....with all that I have IN my life TODAY.
The 'reward' for doing right is knowing you did right.
Last week I was briefly gifted with a window of time between explosive headaches when things and people around me were tolerable--and one of the pigeons I work with rang me.
His child moved in with other family members, he was on the brink of losing his job, he'd gone through two heart surgeries in a year, alienated himself from the rest of his family and is utterly and completely buried in the 'troubles of his own making'.
He asked me why he should even bother to NOT drink today--afterall....he's been not drinking and trying to work a program of recovery for months....and what's changed?!
He's been GOOD........so where's HIS?
Neither he nor I got to this jumping off place because we were doing 'right things for the sake of knowing you were doing right'. We got here because we needed to arrive here for some reason INSIDE US.
I know how I ended here.
I have me to thank -- not G-d to blame.
Neither he nor I got to this jumping off place because we were doing 'right things for the sake of knowing you were doing right'. We got here because we needed to arrive here for some reason INSIDE US.
I know how I ended here.
I have me to thank -- not G-d to blame.
I'm getting MINE.
It's HIS that I really want.......really.....
Really.
Really.
5 comments:
surrender is a power all it's own...
standing here in silent support, and wishing I could move a few stones out of your road,,,
there always seems to be more than one reason for doing things.
I know the glutenfree lifestyle is yucky. And it must be even more difficult if there isn't discernible progress with the little furry things and all the symptoms.
The Big Guy is with you still.
No matter why you are doing things.
No matter if your getting yours or his.
{{{{{{{ mel }}}}}}}
I once heard that people do what they do, until they know better.
Your smart enough to know what's better, even if at times it makes you uncomfortable or seems pointless.
It's better and that means your getting yours.
Much love
Lia
xx
yes, it's difficult. sorry. to me it means you are living a real life, which even though has bad downs, has great ups.
I haven't followed your whole health thing, but is there anything else you can try? or have you tried it all?
Hi Mel,
I quietly read your blog but this post prompted me to comment. I'm a gluten freak like you and I know that eating GF food can be painful (though when I went on the GF diet I was relieved as I felt so much better, it doesn't seem to be the case for you?). Just wanted to say that GF products have got much better since I started the diet 9 years ago - at least here in London and Australia where I also have to search out GF food whenever I'm back home. I wanted to let you know they've even developed a bread that is so delicious and soft and normal (!) that it doesn't need toasting. Check out Genius gluten free bread - not sure if it's available anywhere other that the UK yet but there is hope.
What concerns me is you're still suffering. Has your doctor tested you (properly - ask me if you don't know what I mean by that) for parasites? I have been unwell again recently and I'm very lucky to have a father who is a doctor who knew how to test for parasites, and found out that's what has been making me so unwell, those teensy nasty little horrors! It's incredibly debilitating so when I hear how you're suffering, I just had to ask whether this had been investigated?
x
Post a Comment