Sleeping With Bread

Sleeping with Bread gives me an opportunity to use bits of the St. Ignatius Examen, weekly.  It creates another time between Him and I.....and it centers me in recognizing where G-d was in my week--and where I was at with G-d.  

I look at what it is that I'm especially grateful for.

I review the week in pieces, recalling what I was doing, who I was with and the feelings that transpired during the events of the week.  

I look for where I felt joy, love, fear, anger and sadness.....where I was troubled or challenged.

As I review those events and feelings, I look for when I moved towards G-d........and when I moved towards self.
And then--me and the Big Guy chat.

LOL  Not exactly the most well written explanation, but there you have it.

And here's where I've landed:

I'm especially grateful that I have a persevering G-d who chases me with a passion.
Because, frankly, I see more of ME in my week than I care to admit.  No surprise there.  I can be a self absorbed, selfish person.
Challenges this week came in fear--of all sizes.  And frankly, when I become fearful, I act angry.  I continue to go to great lengths to not LET myself look fearful, even when I clearly am.
Fear of loss.
Fear of failures,  inter-personally.
Fear of being less than I AM.
Fear of results that I truly have no control over.
Fear of looking stupid and incapable.  (there's a big one.....)

I've had multiple incidents in the week where, instead of running towards G-d and trusting all will be as it is suppose to be.....I've put in extra effort as I tried to ensure getting the results I wanted.
Go figure.
I'm a bit of a control freak.  *sigh*

There have also been times when I've turned TO the Big Guy and surrendered in the moment.  Being able to do that is always huge to me--even if it means politely excusing myself and hitting my knees in the ladies restroom.  LOL  No one has to know what business is truly transpiring in there.....it's been a strategy I've used for eons and it works for me.

But that fear jazz does me in....still........far too frequently than I'm okay with.
And I still find it a huge challenge to LET myself just BE fearful.
Ego, I'm sure.  I imagine myself to look like some teenager standing at the doorway of a haunted house--paralyzed and panicked stricken doesn't appear very attractive to me.  But I'd suppose that a jaw locked with muscles working overtime as I visibly fume isn't all that attractive either.  And it's a smoke screen to cover up what's true.

Faith.  I know.
Faith.  Just BE still and KNOW.......
Back to that "What am I?!  Chopped liver?!"

I'm grateful He doesn't 'grade me' as I muddle my way through fear-filled situations and set to the side what I know is true.
I'm grateful He chases me anyway--passionately--and lets me have as many 'do-overs' as I need.

Going back to tell the truth, owning I was fearful to the person I aimed my angry acts at is humbling, but it's purposeful in helping me get to where I truly aspire to be.
....out of the drivers seat and into simply bringing a message of what love can do.