Happy Birthday TO you....
*humming*
Good grief--it IS my birthday......*sigh*
And today we'll...... . . . . . Well--today we'll consider PERHAPS getting in the car to get groceries. I'll get to walk along and look at the canned goods. LOL We talked about an adventure, but I'm thinking that's not going to happen--unless I create it in the grocery store! (which IS possible--I'm a pretty creative kinda gal) I'm thinking this back isn't going to take a ride in the Jeep well. I'm convinced I won't get OUT of the car if I can even get IN it. LOL Yep, I'm thinking the adventure will get to wait.
Nevermind that I'm missing the Pumpkin Festival.
Nevermind that the maples are starting to turn on the Mississippi.
Nevermind that the apple orchards ARE selling fresh pressed cider now.
*grumbling*
But I will get to go to the grocery store! Wooooohoooooo!!!!!
Can ya tell I'm sooooooooooo tired of being in the house? LOL
Happy Birthday TO ME!!! :-)
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Friday, September 30, 2005
Attitude adjustment time....
I've GOT to do something with this attitude--cuz frankly, it sucks and I'm the one choosing it.
Even I'M tired of my kvetchings. *sigh*
Gratitude would be a good thing.
And there are vast parts of me which remain grateful.
Heck, that we did back surgery and it didn't mean weeks of hospitalization is something to be grateful about.
And I did get some cute holiday bulbs started yesterday--inbetween doing some work from the computer (keyboard IN lap) and taking some jaunts up and down the block.
I have a patient and loving husband who's having a good time of dressing his wifey, picking mismatched underwears (arrgghhhh) and laughing the whole time. I'm grateful he picked matching socks...LOL.....had he not, I'da been up a creek without a paddle. And JUST for me, he rifeled through the drawer to find the penguin socks! Ain't he just the sweetest little fella?
And I'm graced to have people who geninuely care about me--checking up on me and willinginly putting up with my whinings. Bless their little hearts. I had more phonecalls yesterday than I could count--it's nice to be checked up on. One was from a kiddo at work who wanted permission to stop at the house to show off her pretty outfit for the homecoming dance tomorrow. She knew I'd want to see her all spiffed up.
She's right.....and heavens YES I want to see her and her date at the door, thanksverymuch! I'm so dang proud of that kiddo for chasing something different for herself.
Okay.......so I do NOT do 'down' well.
But at least yesterday I wasn't crying when the Brit got home. And I had company who told me I looked pretty dang normal......til I tried to leave my chair...LOL
The attitude, however, NEEDS to go! I'm thinkin' it'll all get right sized when Crystal (that's not her name of course--) shows up at the door all gussied up, looking drop dead gorgeous with her little fella.
I'm SURE he's bought her a flower.
I'll get her one too--JUST cuz......
Okay.......NOW I'm smiling.........
Even I'M tired of my kvetchings. *sigh*
Gratitude would be a good thing.
And there are vast parts of me which remain grateful.
Heck, that we did back surgery and it didn't mean weeks of hospitalization is something to be grateful about.
And I did get some cute holiday bulbs started yesterday--inbetween doing some work from the computer (keyboard IN lap) and taking some jaunts up and down the block.
I have a patient and loving husband who's having a good time of dressing his wifey, picking mismatched underwears (arrgghhhh) and laughing the whole time. I'm grateful he picked matching socks...LOL.....had he not, I'da been up a creek without a paddle. And JUST for me, he rifeled through the drawer to find the penguin socks! Ain't he just the sweetest little fella?
And I'm graced to have people who geninuely care about me--checking up on me and willinginly putting up with my whinings. Bless their little hearts. I had more phonecalls yesterday than I could count--it's nice to be checked up on. One was from a kiddo at work who wanted permission to stop at the house to show off her pretty outfit for the homecoming dance tomorrow. She knew I'd want to see her all spiffed up.
She's right.....and heavens YES I want to see her and her date at the door, thanksverymuch! I'm so dang proud of that kiddo for chasing something different for herself.
Okay.......so I do NOT do 'down' well.
But at least yesterday I wasn't crying when the Brit got home. And I had company who told me I looked pretty dang normal......til I tried to leave my chair...LOL
The attitude, however, NEEDS to go! I'm thinkin' it'll all get right sized when Crystal (that's not her name of course--) shows up at the door all gussied up, looking drop dead gorgeous with her little fella.
I'm SURE he's bought her a flower.
I'll get her one too--JUST cuz......
Okay.......NOW I'm smiling.........
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
More than I bargained for.......
That Brit is a smart one. If I put the keyboard in my lap, it's do-able......mostly..... Good grief....it is NOT suppose to be painful to TYPE for cryingoutloud!
Can I say that this is NOT what I had in mind when I signed up for the surgery?
They told me seven to ten days off work--this has now evolved to sixteen days before I can even see the surgeon who MIGHT or might NOT agree to let me return to work.
On top of that, it just feels crappy to know that work is more than a bit messy and I'm here at home literally walking in circles. (this would be all they'll 'allow' me to do--hopefully by tomorrow I'll be able to walk to the end of the block)
Should I mention that I'm bored?
What's TO do?
Can't lift more than a gallon of milk.
Can't bend at the waist.
Can't even freaking dress myself OR take a bath--showers only.
Can't pick things up from the floor.
Can't lay on my tummy and have to do this wonderful 'logroll' to get in and out of bed--IF I can even stand to lay there.
Do I sound unhappy? LOL Lemme try harder if the answer to that is 'no'. LOL
Can't wear normal clothes as of yet either....do I OWN anything with elastic waistbands? Do I strike you as the kind who WOULD own anything with an elastic waistband?!
Can't walk for longer distances than around the house until a week has past. HA....watch me.
Can't ride in a car for more than thirty minutes at a shot--IF I can get into the car....which was up for grabs just leaving the hospital.
Can't sit in chairs without a straightback.
Can't sit for longer than 30 minutes.
Can't cross my legs.
Can't shift or arch or do anything but stand with my ears, shoulders and hips alligned.
YES, I'M IRRITATED. I was not prepared for this.
And today, when the Brit got home (cuz I insisted he could do that and I'd be fine), I was in tears.
Mostly cuz I hurt--some because I'd kept my own company all day long and I didn't make for good company.
Some because I can't seem to remember to take the painkillers they sent with me. Or is it because I'm madder than hell that I'm getting to take them? Someone wanna tell me why I had surgery and still need to take painkillers?!
Nope, I wasn't prepared for this.
And my instructions say 4-6 weeks until I can anticipate returning to work.
NO WAY.
I'll have killed someone by then.
*sigh*
At least I know I can type with a keyboard in my lap?
Can I say that this is NOT what I had in mind when I signed up for the surgery?
They told me seven to ten days off work--this has now evolved to sixteen days before I can even see the surgeon who MIGHT or might NOT agree to let me return to work.
On top of that, it just feels crappy to know that work is more than a bit messy and I'm here at home literally walking in circles. (this would be all they'll 'allow' me to do--hopefully by tomorrow I'll be able to walk to the end of the block)
Should I mention that I'm bored?
What's TO do?
Can't lift more than a gallon of milk.
Can't bend at the waist.
Can't even freaking dress myself OR take a bath--showers only.
Can't pick things up from the floor.
Can't lay on my tummy and have to do this wonderful 'logroll' to get in and out of bed--IF I can even stand to lay there.
Do I sound unhappy? LOL Lemme try harder if the answer to that is 'no'. LOL
Can't wear normal clothes as of yet either....do I OWN anything with elastic waistbands? Do I strike you as the kind who WOULD own anything with an elastic waistband?!
Can't walk for longer distances than around the house until a week has past. HA....watch me.
Can't ride in a car for more than thirty minutes at a shot--IF I can get into the car....which was up for grabs just leaving the hospital.
Can't sit in chairs without a straightback.
Can't sit for longer than 30 minutes.
Can't cross my legs.
Can't shift or arch or do anything but stand with my ears, shoulders and hips alligned.
YES, I'M IRRITATED. I was not prepared for this.
And today, when the Brit got home (cuz I insisted he could do that and I'd be fine), I was in tears.
Mostly cuz I hurt--some because I'd kept my own company all day long and I didn't make for good company.
Some because I can't seem to remember to take the painkillers they sent with me. Or is it because I'm madder than hell that I'm getting to take them? Someone wanna tell me why I had surgery and still need to take painkillers?!
Nope, I wasn't prepared for this.
And my instructions say 4-6 weeks until I can anticipate returning to work.
NO WAY.
I'll have killed someone by then.
*sigh*
At least I know I can type with a keyboard in my lap?
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Missing Leroy
*sigh*
I miss Leroy. He was the bestest neighbour.
There's been no porch sitting, no lemonade drinking, no tales of masonry or fishing. Instead--there's his kiddo who's decided to remain. What little I know of Paula, she's a nice woman. The stories Leroy shared of her spouse, who she was separated from at the time of his death--I know Leroy didn't think kindly of the man. More than that, he refused to have the man in his home. That happened when the man hit his daughter more than once. However, Paula and her husband reconciled and he's living in the house today......along with their two sons, or is it three? The influx of teenage kiddos to the house is so great, that's hard for me to know. Paula's been pretty secluded from the rest of the neighbourhood. I think we've endorsed that--first out of respect for the family's loss, and then out of fear of the unknown. I know I've not visited the house since Leroy died.
I do know there's now four dogs where there used to be Annie.
It's all changed.
And when I'm sitting in my livingroom in silence I'm privy to bits of conversations that include swearwords too numerous to count. These teenagers need some work in expanding their vocabulary. And frankly, I'm not impressed. Himself is even LESS impressed. He becomes irritated that parking in front of our home to have their conversations is happening. Sometimes I'm holding my breath cuz I'm not convinced he won't step out and have a few words with the kiddos--and I'm sure they wouldn't be kindly words.
I'm almost convinced they'd stare at him blindly--probably wouldn't understand a darn word that he was saying! LOL
Yep--it's a changed neighborhood.
We knew that would happen.
And I do so miss porch time with lemonade and stories of masonry adventures.
I miss Annie.
And the new puppies---scare me.
I miss Leroy. He was the bestest neighbour.
There's been no porch sitting, no lemonade drinking, no tales of masonry or fishing. Instead--there's his kiddo who's decided to remain. What little I know of Paula, she's a nice woman. The stories Leroy shared of her spouse, who she was separated from at the time of his death--I know Leroy didn't think kindly of the man. More than that, he refused to have the man in his home. That happened when the man hit his daughter more than once. However, Paula and her husband reconciled and he's living in the house today......along with their two sons, or is it three? The influx of teenage kiddos to the house is so great, that's hard for me to know. Paula's been pretty secluded from the rest of the neighbourhood. I think we've endorsed that--first out of respect for the family's loss, and then out of fear of the unknown. I know I've not visited the house since Leroy died.
I do know there's now four dogs where there used to be Annie.
It's all changed.
And when I'm sitting in my livingroom in silence I'm privy to bits of conversations that include swearwords too numerous to count. These teenagers need some work in expanding their vocabulary. And frankly, I'm not impressed. Himself is even LESS impressed. He becomes irritated that parking in front of our home to have their conversations is happening. Sometimes I'm holding my breath cuz I'm not convinced he won't step out and have a few words with the kiddos--and I'm sure they wouldn't be kindly words.
I'm almost convinced they'd stare at him blindly--probably wouldn't understand a darn word that he was saying! LOL
Yep--it's a changed neighborhood.
We knew that would happen.
And I do so miss porch time with lemonade and stories of masonry adventures.
I miss Annie.
And the new puppies---scare me.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Erica and Phoebe Hummer
Okay--so I name the critters that come to our backyard.
Apparently this is a bizarre thing--at least to the Brit it is.
But he assures me that this is my norm.
EVERYthing takes on a life of it's own when it enters my world.
Now, I've given that thought--and he's right. Even to the bitty stuffed turkey my sister sent me in my care package--yep, Mr. Turkey. And the pen that I stole from work cuz it was cool! (Mr. Purple Pen!) And don't worry, I confessed the thievery.
Go figure most of the creatures are pronounced male. LOL
Now this shouldn't be a revelation to anyone--the most significant folks in my life have been male. They're the ones I'm blaming for my attitude, my line of thinking and my response to life in general.
So--back to Phoebe and Erica.....the hummingbirds. Oh--and Arnold (affectionately dubbed for the Hummer driving Arnie).
All three of them were attempting to dine at the hummingbird feeder last evening and again this morning. Only, Erica is a selfish hummer. She's staked claim of the feeder. To the extent of guarding the feeder by perching on it. (btw, I can get within three feet of her before she takes to flight--I'm thinkin' she knows she's way faster than me). She's a selfish one. Fights them off every time. Poor Phoebe and Arnold don't stand a chance.
So--we now have two feeders! Mostly cuz I couldn't stand the territorial, claimstaking attitude. LOL
I've devised name tags for them with masking tape so they could KNOW which is theirs.
Himself shook his head and professed that they don't KNOW how to read signs.
HA! Of course they do---and those little buggers best be eating at the correct feeder, too!
OR else!
Apparently this is a bizarre thing--at least to the Brit it is.
But he assures me that this is my norm.
EVERYthing takes on a life of it's own when it enters my world.
Now, I've given that thought--and he's right. Even to the bitty stuffed turkey my sister sent me in my care package--yep, Mr. Turkey. And the pen that I stole from work cuz it was cool! (Mr. Purple Pen!) And don't worry, I confessed the thievery.
Go figure most of the creatures are pronounced male. LOL
Now this shouldn't be a revelation to anyone--the most significant folks in my life have been male. They're the ones I'm blaming for my attitude, my line of thinking and my response to life in general.
So--back to Phoebe and Erica.....the hummingbirds. Oh--and Arnold (affectionately dubbed for the Hummer driving Arnie).
All three of them were attempting to dine at the hummingbird feeder last evening and again this morning. Only, Erica is a selfish hummer. She's staked claim of the feeder. To the extent of guarding the feeder by perching on it. (btw, I can get within three feet of her before she takes to flight--I'm thinkin' she knows she's way faster than me). She's a selfish one. Fights them off every time. Poor Phoebe and Arnold don't stand a chance.
So--we now have two feeders! Mostly cuz I couldn't stand the territorial, claimstaking attitude. LOL
I've devised name tags for them with masking tape so they could KNOW which is theirs.
Himself shook his head and professed that they don't KNOW how to read signs.
HA! Of course they do---and those little buggers best be eating at the correct feeder, too!
OR else!
'92 to '05
So I went for my pre-op physical.
It involved a whole lot of medical history. Darn that they only give the poor doc one page to write all this stuff on...LOL I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1992 by this doc.... Thirteen years ago! My how time has a way of getting away from me.
I walked through years of treatment for breast cancer that eventually spread to the bone and liver....and then straight into lymphoblastic leukemia which eventually moved into the spinal column and moved to the brain SOMEhow. Leastwise that's their theory of how the tumor got on the brain that they opened my skull to investigate.
And I'm to be worked up over an hour surgery for a sore back that's an inconvenience and not life threatening?
It's just not going to happen.
But himself is nervous. And he's making ME nervous!
NOT that I mind the increase of touching and hugs. I know it's what he needs to do for him and it's what he wants to do for me.
But this nervousness is making ME nervous. And I'm naturally wanting to step in and devise an some agenda for him for the next few days AND for Monday so I'M more comfortable.
It IS all about MEMEME, you know! LOL
So he mistook my silence in talking about Monday as me being fearful.
DUMMIE me put in in perspective outloud! And NOW he's reeling a whole LOT.
Really--this isn't a big deal.....leastwise not the surgery aspect of it.
It's the letting him walk through it WITH me that's the bigger deal.
Honest--about this time I'm fighing with physicians about being present for the surgery BY MYSELF, fighting the battle that I WILL take myself home after the procedure, thanksverymuch, and letting the professionals know that I'm different and exempt of their rules! LOL
And I'll get to awaken in recovery with himself there?!!!
Oh gawwwwwwddddddd......Now THAT makes me BEYOND nervous.
It involved a whole lot of medical history. Darn that they only give the poor doc one page to write all this stuff on...LOL I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1992 by this doc.... Thirteen years ago! My how time has a way of getting away from me.
I walked through years of treatment for breast cancer that eventually spread to the bone and liver....and then straight into lymphoblastic leukemia which eventually moved into the spinal column and moved to the brain SOMEhow. Leastwise that's their theory of how the tumor got on the brain that they opened my skull to investigate.
And I'm to be worked up over an hour surgery for a sore back that's an inconvenience and not life threatening?
It's just not going to happen.
But himself is nervous. And he's making ME nervous!
NOT that I mind the increase of touching and hugs. I know it's what he needs to do for him and it's what he wants to do for me.
But this nervousness is making ME nervous. And I'm naturally wanting to step in and devise an some agenda for him for the next few days AND for Monday so I'M more comfortable.
It IS all about MEMEME, you know! LOL
So he mistook my silence in talking about Monday as me being fearful.
DUMMIE me put in in perspective outloud! And NOW he's reeling a whole LOT.
Really--this isn't a big deal.....leastwise not the surgery aspect of it.
It's the letting him walk through it WITH me that's the bigger deal.
Honest--about this time I'm fighing with physicians about being present for the surgery BY MYSELF, fighting the battle that I WILL take myself home after the procedure, thanksverymuch, and letting the professionals know that I'm different and exempt of their rules! LOL
And I'll get to awaken in recovery with himself there?!!!
Oh gawwwwwwddddddd......Now THAT makes me BEYOND nervous.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I went to the doctor and the doctor said---
NO more monkey's jumping on the bed!
Okay, so I know too many children songs. LOL
Actually, I went to the doctor and the doctor said I had three options. I could get pain killers and do exercises--which wouldn't actually treat the problem. OR I could get an epideral and steriod injections--which, again, wouldn't actually treat the problem. OR I could let a neurosurgeon do what they do well--make a small incision and do microscopic surgery to remove the bone that's pushing on my nerve, repair damage to a disc and be out of commission for 7-10 days with a six week return to normal activities expectancy.
Huh.
Treat the symptoms or treat the problem.
Hmm......gee......
With THIS history of treating symptoms and hoping the problem would just go AWAY--don't THINK I didn't have that moment of pause while I considered the lesser of the evils. Cuz I did.
I did tell him it wasn't in my best interest to treat the symptoms cuz the problem would still exist and we discussed a date for surgery.
Duh me--I suggested the end of the month (meaning October) and he concurred and set the date for the 26th.....only, he was talking SEPTEMBER--as in NEXT Monday.
No, no, no.....I have too many things to do, too much stuff going on right now!
I'm having surgery on Monday--he simply stated that the other problems which stemmed from the back problem weren't best 'put aside' for a month. It's already BEEN a month and nothing's improved.
He had a point.
I've gotten the MRI done. I did the EKG today. I did the labs today. And tomorrow I have the pre-op physical. Friday I speak with the anesthesiologist. And Monday, off I'll go!
Now.....the Brit's a bit worked up about it. WHY, I do not know. Fear, I'd suppose.
I'M more concerned about what in the world I'll find to keep myself SANE for that week to ten days when I'm forbidden to go to the work unit. I'll go nucking futz if I have to do nothing--which is what the Brit will enforce. Which I why I assured him that he could take Monday and Tuesday, if that worked for him--but to not go any further than that cuz I'm a sucky patient and he's NOT going to want to have to be around all that if it's not absolutely necessary....LOL
And it won't BE necessary!
..oh BOY will I make SURE it won't be necessary..LOL
This oughta be fun! LOL
Okay, so I know too many children songs. LOL
Actually, I went to the doctor and the doctor said I had three options. I could get pain killers and do exercises--which wouldn't actually treat the problem. OR I could get an epideral and steriod injections--which, again, wouldn't actually treat the problem. OR I could let a neurosurgeon do what they do well--make a small incision and do microscopic surgery to remove the bone that's pushing on my nerve, repair damage to a disc and be out of commission for 7-10 days with a six week return to normal activities expectancy.
Huh.
Treat the symptoms or treat the problem.
Hmm......gee......
With THIS history of treating symptoms and hoping the problem would just go AWAY--don't THINK I didn't have that moment of pause while I considered the lesser of the evils. Cuz I did.
I did tell him it wasn't in my best interest to treat the symptoms cuz the problem would still exist and we discussed a date for surgery.
Duh me--I suggested the end of the month (meaning October) and he concurred and set the date for the 26th.....only, he was talking SEPTEMBER--as in NEXT Monday.
No, no, no.....I have too many things to do, too much stuff going on right now!
I'm having surgery on Monday--he simply stated that the other problems which stemmed from the back problem weren't best 'put aside' for a month. It's already BEEN a month and nothing's improved.
He had a point.
I've gotten the MRI done. I did the EKG today. I did the labs today. And tomorrow I have the pre-op physical. Friday I speak with the anesthesiologist. And Monday, off I'll go!
Now.....the Brit's a bit worked up about it. WHY, I do not know. Fear, I'd suppose.
I'M more concerned about what in the world I'll find to keep myself SANE for that week to ten days when I'm forbidden to go to the work unit. I'll go nucking futz if I have to do nothing--which is what the Brit will enforce. Which I why I assured him that he could take Monday and Tuesday, if that worked for him--but to not go any further than that cuz I'm a sucky patient and he's NOT going to want to have to be around all that if it's not absolutely necessary....LOL
And it won't BE necessary!
..oh BOY will I make SURE it won't be necessary..LOL
This oughta be fun! LOL
Sunday, September 18, 2005
In seven more minutes--
WE will be the bestest lit house on the block! LOL
Heck, we'll be the ONLY lit up house on the block, 'cept for the neighbor behind us. We've got a bit of competition going on there. I'm attributing it to the nine year old who gets into a race with us on decorating the outside of the house. Well, more like it is he drags his mom out to get ahead of the Brit nextdoor.
"You have feet that light up and we don't."
"You have a witch hanging from your carport and we don't."
"You have a blinky Happy Halloween sign and WE don't."
Uh huh.....*smirk and nod*
This is where he drags his mother outside and insists that they NEED to go shop for Halloween decorations. And I'm thinking this is where the mom starts to curse the Brit and the Yank next door....LOL
But we ARE decorated! Only took two weekends to get that one done! :-D Yep, all done and ready for the light show in about..oh......four minutes!
Heh hehh... I think I'll venture out when it gets a tad darker.
Oh..and should I mention that the kiddo DID get mom to make that trip for decoration shopping? AND they have a nifty keeno light up tombstone--with a not so nifty skeleton that's climbing outta the ground. *shudder*
We, of course, are limited to HAPPY Halloween decorations. No evil looking things and very little ookey spookey stuff. Living with the Brit is ookey spookey enough! LOL
Yeah, yeah--
We have feet that light up and cross the lawn.
We have a spotlighted witch on a broom, smiling as she's riding her broom.
We have a smiling ghost windsock that hanging from the front tree.
And we've to a sign that flashes Trick Or Treat.
Oh, and another one that flashes Happy Halloween.
And strands of orange lights out front--with cute little bug eyes coming from the bushes..LOL
And purple lights out back with the witch.
And awesome wreaths all around!
We ARE decorated!
Now...about all that candy we'll be bagging up for the 120 plus trick or treaters we'll have show up........
:-)
Oh oh.......
Forget that!
LIGHTS ARE ON!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heck, we'll be the ONLY lit up house on the block, 'cept for the neighbor behind us. We've got a bit of competition going on there. I'm attributing it to the nine year old who gets into a race with us on decorating the outside of the house. Well, more like it is he drags his mom out to get ahead of the Brit nextdoor.
"You have feet that light up and we don't."
"You have a witch hanging from your carport and we don't."
"You have a blinky Happy Halloween sign and WE don't."
Uh huh.....*smirk and nod*
This is where he drags his mother outside and insists that they NEED to go shop for Halloween decorations. And I'm thinking this is where the mom starts to curse the Brit and the Yank next door....LOL
But we ARE decorated! Only took two weekends to get that one done! :-D Yep, all done and ready for the light show in about..oh......four minutes!
Heh hehh... I think I'll venture out when it gets a tad darker.
Oh..and should I mention that the kiddo DID get mom to make that trip for decoration shopping? AND they have a nifty keeno light up tombstone--with a not so nifty skeleton that's climbing outta the ground. *shudder*
We, of course, are limited to HAPPY Halloween decorations. No evil looking things and very little ookey spookey stuff. Living with the Brit is ookey spookey enough! LOL
Yeah, yeah--
We have feet that light up and cross the lawn.
We have a spotlighted witch on a broom, smiling as she's riding her broom.
We have a smiling ghost windsock that hanging from the front tree.
And we've to a sign that flashes Trick Or Treat.
Oh, and another one that flashes Happy Halloween.
And strands of orange lights out front--with cute little bug eyes coming from the bushes..LOL
And purple lights out back with the witch.
And awesome wreaths all around!
We ARE decorated!
Now...about all that candy we'll be bagging up for the 120 plus trick or treaters we'll have show up........
:-)
Oh oh.......
Forget that!
LIGHTS ARE ON!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday happened
Well, Friday's training happened--same folks they brought in for nine months came back. And they did try to rejuvinate folks. But they asked for an honest assessment as to where we're at in all this......
I waited. HONEST. I waited and listened.
But I couldn't agree with what folks were putting out there--that's just not been my experience.
So I said that.
And I said MORE than that...LOL
And darn that it was near the close of the meeting. I'm sure I left a not nice taste in some folk's mouths.
But the facilitator chased me down as I was leaving to ask me a couple questions--mainly 'what do you think the problem is'.
I said it in the hallway just as I said it in the meeting of 100 supervisors. I assured him it's very very simple--we aren't working the very principles we've been charged to live to build a culture. We somehow don't think it's 'required'. Nevermind that these are basic principles for right living.
Oh, I found it incredible to sit there with near every supervisor in the agency showing up--but monthly meetings of the smaller groups might get a whole 8 of the thirty people attending to show up. Yes..I know, people have demands to meet, kids and families to meet with--blah blah blah.....
"why isn't the question 'what can I bring TO the meeting?' instead of 'what's in it for ME'."
I'm tiring of people having excuses for simply not showing up and making me out to somehow be doing 'less' because I shuffle to make it work, cuz I'm committed to the principles and the process.
THAT's what I put out there, that's what one of the facilitators was scrambling to get to me over. And that's what the CEO gave me the thumbs up over.
However, I'm NOT real popular with my 'peers' today.
Did they truly believe that would even fricking matter to me?!
I waited. HONEST. I waited and listened.
But I couldn't agree with what folks were putting out there--that's just not been my experience.
So I said that.
And I said MORE than that...LOL
And darn that it was near the close of the meeting. I'm sure I left a not nice taste in some folk's mouths.
But the facilitator chased me down as I was leaving to ask me a couple questions--mainly 'what do you think the problem is'.
I said it in the hallway just as I said it in the meeting of 100 supervisors. I assured him it's very very simple--we aren't working the very principles we've been charged to live to build a culture. We somehow don't think it's 'required'. Nevermind that these are basic principles for right living.
Oh, I found it incredible to sit there with near every supervisor in the agency showing up--but monthly meetings of the smaller groups might get a whole 8 of the thirty people attending to show up. Yes..I know, people have demands to meet, kids and families to meet with--blah blah blah.....
"why isn't the question 'what can I bring TO the meeting?' instead of 'what's in it for ME'."
I'm tiring of people having excuses for simply not showing up and making me out to somehow be doing 'less' because I shuffle to make it work, cuz I'm committed to the principles and the process.
THAT's what I put out there, that's what one of the facilitators was scrambling to get to me over. And that's what the CEO gave me the thumbs up over.
However, I'm NOT real popular with my 'peers' today.
Did they truly believe that would even fricking matter to me?!
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Culture Building
The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership. -Colin Powell
Believe it or not--the agency I work with spent tens of thousands of dollars to pay a couple of folks to come in multiple times for a training of the whole agency's leadership. Now, this--in and of itself--doesn't seem like earth shattering news. 'Cept this is an agency that serves children and families. You'd think we'd all have a way of dealing with each other that's loving and caring, wouldn't ya? You'd think we'd all be DOING what it is we teach and expect from those kiddos and families we work with.
Oh contraire'! We're a 'do as I say, not as I do' kinda culture. More folks tend to talk the talk than walk the walk. Thus has been my experience during my years of service to kiddos and families. Sad--but true.
So the agency shells out tens of thousands to teach the leaders 'values' they'd like in the agency culture, especially pertaining to worksite relationships with employees and with each other.
It's so familiar and so simple, that it sends me laughing. Fact is, it's so darn simple that folks simply don't trust it and as an end result, they don't work it. *shaking head* We're on our second year of 'culture building within leadership' and folks are doing what they've always done--tiring and losing enthusiasm for the mission that they signed up for....letting go of those very simple and doable principles and doing what they've always done.
They truly are simple concepts--'hang the mirror' (ie: take your own freaking inventory), 'looking up, looking down' (ie: there's more than one way to look at things), 'appreciate, recognize' (ie: and attitude of gratitude). Sounds familiar, eh? They're all simple and doable principles--
WHAT is so freaking hard about those things? Especially when you're asking folks who directly deal with kiddos and families--aren't these things that they oughta come equipt with?! *shaking head*
I laughed during the trainings. And I laughed when I saw the CEO the yesterday and told her that it was all very simple and easy for me. I have a lifetime of training on the basic principles folks were teaching the leaders of the agency. *I* am responsible. And if I'm pointing a finger at you, best I look at the other four pointing back at ME. I'm tired--not of working the principles-- but of battling folks who simply don't think they need to.
HELLO?! These are rules for LIFE, not just the workplace. *sigh*
We had quite a chat, the CEO and me--and I reversed more than one thing back to her and asked her to look at what part she played in the problem and offered up anything I could do to be a part of the solution. If nothing else, she's always had an appreciation for my lack of inhibition when it comes to saying what's true. I'll say it to anyone--cuz it's worth being said. And someone cared enough about me to do that for me.
So today I sent that little quote to folks and asked them to 'hang the mirror' and answer to themselves.
It was to the whole agency. LOL
Oh yeah--I already heard from my boss who got rather silent when I told him I'd already challenged the CEO on it and asked she take a look at her part. "But ain't it a cool quote?"
I then got met with a "YOU DID WHAT?"
HE still responds to hierarchy well...LOL
I, on the other hand, don't.
*shrugs*
Believe it or not--the agency I work with spent tens of thousands of dollars to pay a couple of folks to come in multiple times for a training of the whole agency's leadership. Now, this--in and of itself--doesn't seem like earth shattering news. 'Cept this is an agency that serves children and families. You'd think we'd all have a way of dealing with each other that's loving and caring, wouldn't ya? You'd think we'd all be DOING what it is we teach and expect from those kiddos and families we work with.
Oh contraire'! We're a 'do as I say, not as I do' kinda culture. More folks tend to talk the talk than walk the walk. Thus has been my experience during my years of service to kiddos and families. Sad--but true.
So the agency shells out tens of thousands to teach the leaders 'values' they'd like in the agency culture, especially pertaining to worksite relationships with employees and with each other.
It's so familiar and so simple, that it sends me laughing. Fact is, it's so darn simple that folks simply don't trust it and as an end result, they don't work it. *shaking head* We're on our second year of 'culture building within leadership' and folks are doing what they've always done--tiring and losing enthusiasm for the mission that they signed up for....letting go of those very simple and doable principles and doing what they've always done.
They truly are simple concepts--'hang the mirror' (ie: take your own freaking inventory), 'looking up, looking down' (ie: there's more than one way to look at things), 'appreciate, recognize' (ie: and attitude of gratitude). Sounds familiar, eh? They're all simple and doable principles--
WHAT is so freaking hard about those things? Especially when you're asking folks who directly deal with kiddos and families--aren't these things that they oughta come equipt with?! *shaking head*
I laughed during the trainings. And I laughed when I saw the CEO the yesterday and told her that it was all very simple and easy for me. I have a lifetime of training on the basic principles folks were teaching the leaders of the agency. *I* am responsible. And if I'm pointing a finger at you, best I look at the other four pointing back at ME. I'm tired--not of working the principles-- but of battling folks who simply don't think they need to.
HELLO?! These are rules for LIFE, not just the workplace. *sigh*
We had quite a chat, the CEO and me--and I reversed more than one thing back to her and asked her to look at what part she played in the problem and offered up anything I could do to be a part of the solution. If nothing else, she's always had an appreciation for my lack of inhibition when it comes to saying what's true. I'll say it to anyone--cuz it's worth being said. And someone cared enough about me to do that for me.
So today I sent that little quote to folks and asked them to 'hang the mirror' and answer to themselves.
It was to the whole agency. LOL
Oh yeah--I already heard from my boss who got rather silent when I told him I'd already challenged the CEO on it and asked she take a look at her part. "But ain't it a cool quote?"
I then got met with a "YOU DID WHAT?"
HE still responds to hierarchy well...LOL
I, on the other hand, don't.
*shrugs*
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
NEXT!!
I'm feeling like it's 'stand in line and take a number' time. Good grief.
First it's the episode with the back which has now led to imminent surgery. Seems we're dealing with pain from that multiple times during the course of a day. THEN there's that---errrr----plumbing problem as a result of the back. AND I get to do that premenapausal stuff just as a course of life....and NOW I'm dealing in some viral thing that's got my mouth and throat broke out in ulcers--and lucky me, got it from the even luckier Brit who's just happy as all GETOUT that HE has it and even LESS happy that he passed it on. (okay, he's really upset about that one... But what do you expect when you share a household with an immune deficient person?)
So we're both home from work now. He went to the physician earlier today and got diagnosed. I, on the other hand, made half a day at work before I discovered I was having an outbreak of the same darn stuff....I just rang Stacey and kvetched...LOL At least I saved on the physician cost?
Oy brother.... NEXT?!
Oh yeah, I'm feeling real grateful!
*rolling eyes*
First it's the episode with the back which has now led to imminent surgery. Seems we're dealing with pain from that multiple times during the course of a day. THEN there's that---errrr----plumbing problem as a result of the back. AND I get to do that premenapausal stuff just as a course of life....and NOW I'm dealing in some viral thing that's got my mouth and throat broke out in ulcers--and lucky me, got it from the even luckier Brit who's just happy as all GETOUT that HE has it and even LESS happy that he passed it on. (okay, he's really upset about that one... But what do you expect when you share a household with an immune deficient person?)
So we're both home from work now. He went to the physician earlier today and got diagnosed. I, on the other hand, made half a day at work before I discovered I was having an outbreak of the same darn stuff....I just rang Stacey and kvetched...LOL At least I saved on the physician cost?
Oy brother.... NEXT?!
Oh yeah, I'm feeling real grateful!
*rolling eyes*
Monday, September 12, 2005
Human beings are entertaining.....
Sometimes I don't quite see myself fitting in with the rest of the world. I mean, I know I'm just another of G-d's kiddos...and I know I'm just AS human as the rest of the world--but I just doNOT think like some folks do. I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse. Probably a bit of both.
There are days that I'm grateful that I'm not quite on the same plane as a whole lot of folks. The Brit assures me that's what makes me ME. Wiseperson in my life assures me that I'm more human today than I've EVER been--which is probably true...and he's only been in my space for some 16 years. He, on occasion groans and thanks G-D that he's only had to do 16 years of THIS..LOL
On the other hand, I'm charged with letting things 'look like they are'--and I'm not meeting with a whole lot of success.
First of all--I have this problem with simply looking willing. Even when I am willing, I have a problem with letting it LOOK like I am. I have to pick at what's being asked of me, kvetch about it and make a minor fuss--even if I'm more than willing to DO what's being asked or given to me to do!
I'm blaming that on something and someone--even if I have to make it up.
I have a problem with letting myself look kind and compassionate. I can say and do all those things--but not in the manner that other human beings seem to be comfy doing. HUG? Ummm.....no, I don't hug--well, I DO, but that's on rare occasion and I'm pretty convinced that THIS isn't the occasion. LOL I've had kiddos at the worksite literally chase me down the hallway to hug the stuffings out of me AGAINST MY WILL. They all laugh--and I grumble.
Gawwddddd...I'm turning into that crusty, grumpy, mean oldfart that made a vow to loved me into humanness some thirty years ago! *sigh*
And I have a tough time just saying the truth 100% of the time. Here I am, the advocate of truth, and I play around with lying ALL THE TIME. For what gain, I'm not sure--but I can have my hand IN the cookie jar and do that four year old routine of "jar.....what jar?" LOL I choose to lie about the darndest things. WHY I won't simply own things upfront is pathetically all about play. And I'm not sure that I want to give that up. NOR do I think I want to give up that part of me that takes pride IN lying and messing with people. I still find some fun in lying.....even though I value and practice honesty.
Maybe it's more play than character defect?
Maybe it's because I spent a whole lifetime finding some of my worth and value from being 'different' and now it's wierd to be surrendering to being 'similar'?
Maybe it's simply cuz I LIKE being oppositional, cranky and telling fibs!
I don't WANNA look willing.
I don't WANNA fess up to stuff immediately.
I don't WANNA hug people and look all gooshy!
*gak*
Yep--I'm having a "I don't wanna be HUMAN" tantrum!
*chuckling*
And I'm enjoying every darn moment of it!
There are days that I'm grateful that I'm not quite on the same plane as a whole lot of folks. The Brit assures me that's what makes me ME. Wiseperson in my life assures me that I'm more human today than I've EVER been--which is probably true...and he's only been in my space for some 16 years. He, on occasion groans and thanks G-D that he's only had to do 16 years of THIS..LOL
On the other hand, I'm charged with letting things 'look like they are'--and I'm not meeting with a whole lot of success.
First of all--I have this problem with simply looking willing. Even when I am willing, I have a problem with letting it LOOK like I am. I have to pick at what's being asked of me, kvetch about it and make a minor fuss--even if I'm more than willing to DO what's being asked or given to me to do!
I'm blaming that on something and someone--even if I have to make it up.
I have a problem with letting myself look kind and compassionate. I can say and do all those things--but not in the manner that other human beings seem to be comfy doing. HUG? Ummm.....no, I don't hug--well, I DO, but that's on rare occasion and I'm pretty convinced that THIS isn't the occasion. LOL I've had kiddos at the worksite literally chase me down the hallway to hug the stuffings out of me AGAINST MY WILL. They all laugh--and I grumble.
Gawwddddd...I'm turning into that crusty, grumpy, mean oldfart that made a vow to loved me into humanness some thirty years ago! *sigh*
And I have a tough time just saying the truth 100% of the time. Here I am, the advocate of truth, and I play around with lying ALL THE TIME. For what gain, I'm not sure--but I can have my hand IN the cookie jar and do that four year old routine of "jar.....what jar?" LOL I choose to lie about the darndest things. WHY I won't simply own things upfront is pathetically all about play. And I'm not sure that I want to give that up. NOR do I think I want to give up that part of me that takes pride IN lying and messing with people. I still find some fun in lying.....even though I value and practice honesty.
Maybe it's more play than character defect?
Maybe it's because I spent a whole lifetime finding some of my worth and value from being 'different' and now it's wierd to be surrendering to being 'similar'?
Maybe it's simply cuz I LIKE being oppositional, cranky and telling fibs!
I don't WANNA look willing.
I don't WANNA fess up to stuff immediately.
I don't WANNA hug people and look all gooshy!
*gak*
Yep--I'm having a "I don't wanna be HUMAN" tantrum!
*chuckling*
And I'm enjoying every darn moment of it!
Okay---this is NOT funny......
Do you THINK I wanted to ring the doctor's office this morning?! NO, I did NOT! I'm....ummmm.....having a problem and I'm NOT a happy bunny about it. I'm not prepared, at my age, to concede to stuff like this, thanksverymuch!
So I rang the doctor's office and asked that Stacey get hold of me...of course, I got her return call at work where I had to promptly lock myself in the medications room and tried ever so quietly to have the conversation which went something like:
"Okay, Stacey.....do not laugh at me--but I have a question and you can't laugh..."
".....Okay......"
"No, I mean it, Stacey. Laughing is NOT allowed."
"GOT it--what's the question?"
"No laughing. You need to tell me--ummmmm.....answer me this...good grief, I don't even WANT to ask the question and don't you DARE laugh--but.....umm.....is one suppose to 'dribble' when one has a back problem of this nature--or---do I need to set an appointment to come see you?"
"Excuse me.....dribble?....."
"Are you laughing?"
"Nope, no laughing here!.....Dribble......"
"Ummm..yeah and yes, you heard....dribble.....as in for no apparent reason,without warning, as in pantyliners are suddenly and unexplainedly required..."
"Ah.......THAT kind of dribble..."
"There's another dribble?"
"Well, I suppose not..."
"This is normal?"
"........Let me see if I can speed that appointment up for you....."
"Great.....so it's not normal, but it's possible and it's not a good sign?"
".......You know of a time when dribbling IS a good sign?.....If the neurosurgeon decides that's not from the herniated disc you come see us andwe'll fix you up."
"No--you don't understand--I can't do this. Dribbling happens when you're eightynine and incontenent. I do NOT like this--you need to FIX THIS"
".....Got panty liners?"
"uh huh...."
"Sounds like it's as fixed as it's going to get at this moment"
She is soooooo fired!
It took me a good minute to compose myself and leave that little room. Oy.......
This is NOT suppose to happen. PERIOD.
I'm taking my ball and going home, thankyouverymuch....I do NOT wanna playanymore!
And this is stuff that I'm suppose to share with my spouse?!?! I don't THINK so, thanksanyway!
OMG.......
So I rang the doctor's office and asked that Stacey get hold of me...of course, I got her return call at work where I had to promptly lock myself in the medications room and tried ever so quietly to have the conversation which went something like:
"Okay, Stacey.....do not laugh at me--but I have a question and you can't laugh..."
".....Okay......"
"No, I mean it, Stacey. Laughing is NOT allowed."
"GOT it--what's the question?"
"No laughing. You need to tell me--ummmmm.....answer me this...good grief, I don't even WANT to ask the question and don't you DARE laugh--but.....umm.....is one suppose to 'dribble' when one has a back problem of this nature--or---do I need to set an appointment to come see you?"
"Excuse me.....dribble?....."
"Are you laughing?"
"Nope, no laughing here!.....Dribble......"
"Ummm..yeah and yes, you heard....dribble.....as in for no apparent reason,without warning, as in pantyliners are suddenly and unexplainedly required..."
"Ah.......THAT kind of dribble..."
"There's another dribble?"
"Well, I suppose not..."
"This is normal?"
"........Let me see if I can speed that appointment up for you....."
"Great.....so it's not normal, but it's possible and it's not a good sign?"
".......You know of a time when dribbling IS a good sign?.....If the neurosurgeon decides that's not from the herniated disc you come see us andwe'll fix you up."
"No--you don't understand--I can't do this. Dribbling happens when you're eightynine and incontenent. I do NOT like this--you need to FIX THIS"
".....Got panty liners?"
"uh huh...."
"Sounds like it's as fixed as it's going to get at this moment"
She is soooooo fired!
It took me a good minute to compose myself and leave that little room. Oy.......
This is NOT suppose to happen. PERIOD.
I'm taking my ball and going home, thankyouverymuch....I do NOT wanna playanymore!
And this is stuff that I'm suppose to share with my spouse?!?! I don't THINK so, thanksanyway!
OMG.......
Sunday, September 11, 2005
...'they don't count....'
One box at a time--the Halloween decorations have arrived! LOL
Four whole boxes!
He wouldn't let me carry the four big ones. But the other ones 'don't count' or so I reminded him. I got to bring them up.
And there was only four boxes! Last year we consolidated them into bigger boxes and we're down to four!
Well, four and 'some'.....the lighted village boxes don't count. (we have six houses and lots of 'stuff' to finish of the scene--they don't count either) And the two tubs of lights don't count either. Fact is, I decided all the outside decorations don't count! They go outside, don'tchaknow.....they don't count.
Neither does the clock that makes ookey spookey noises on the hour and half hour, nor the window stickies in the tupperware bowl so they don't get all icky--they'd be in a box if it weren't for that fact of their existance. And neither does the big purple tub that holds all the goodies--cuz it's too big for a box so it doesn't count, besides that's required to hold all those bagged treats....which is why the bag of treat bags and leftover toys from last year don't count either....
:-)
We have Halloween 'stuff' upstairs! And don'tchaknow we had to assemble the village JUST to make sure all the lights worked. :-)
We can't find our livingroom OR the kitchen table from all the emptied boxes....LOL
Well, I had to know what was IN there so I could decide what I needed to pick up, forgoodnesssakes!
And we DO need batteries afterall!
:-)
*doing happy dance*
The Halloween decorations have emerged from the dark recesses of the basement!
Who needs a livingroom floor anyway?! LOL
Four whole boxes!
He wouldn't let me carry the four big ones. But the other ones 'don't count' or so I reminded him. I got to bring them up.
And there was only four boxes! Last year we consolidated them into bigger boxes and we're down to four!
Well, four and 'some'.....the lighted village boxes don't count. (we have six houses and lots of 'stuff' to finish of the scene--they don't count either) And the two tubs of lights don't count either. Fact is, I decided all the outside decorations don't count! They go outside, don'tchaknow.....they don't count.
Neither does the clock that makes ookey spookey noises on the hour and half hour, nor the window stickies in the tupperware bowl so they don't get all icky--they'd be in a box if it weren't for that fact of their existance. And neither does the big purple tub that holds all the goodies--cuz it's too big for a box so it doesn't count, besides that's required to hold all those bagged treats....which is why the bag of treat bags and leftover toys from last year don't count either....
:-)
We have Halloween 'stuff' upstairs! And don'tchaknow we had to assemble the village JUST to make sure all the lights worked. :-)
We can't find our livingroom OR the kitchen table from all the emptied boxes....LOL
Well, I had to know what was IN there so I could decide what I needed to pick up, forgoodnesssakes!
And we DO need batteries afterall!
:-)
*doing happy dance*
The Halloween decorations have emerged from the dark recesses of the basement!
Who needs a livingroom floor anyway?! LOL
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Wow.......!!
I like headlocks. LOL
Now, I'm not sure they're your everyday, run of the mill signs of affection--but wiseperson in my life chews me up, spits me out and then puts me in a headlock. That means he loves me--and I'm eeriely fond of those darn things. Don't tell! LOL
And no, I'm not fearful about this back deal. Honest, I'm not--I'm just really grateful today. I know there's truly something wrong with me, so I'm not just whinging and whining for no real reason..LOL It's a legitmate whine! And I'm not fearful of being under some surgeon's care--it's a fixable problem that there's a solution to. And I'm so damn glad for what it's NOT, that this is a cakewalk. No fooling!
Ya know what---HE BELIEVED me! LOL
I celebrate that--cuz he's darn good at punching holes in what I puke out to find the truth -- and he's DAMN good at shoving it down my throat and making me choke it out.
He sounds particularly violent, doesn't he? LOL
Truth is, he's one of the most loving men that I have the privilege to know---and he loves ME.
And he BELIEVES me!
THIS--is a big deal!
AND I got a headlock on top of it!
Woooohooo!!!!!
I'm sooooooo easily satisfied it's pathetic! LOL
Now, I'm not sure they're your everyday, run of the mill signs of affection--but wiseperson in my life chews me up, spits me out and then puts me in a headlock. That means he loves me--and I'm eeriely fond of those darn things. Don't tell! LOL
And no, I'm not fearful about this back deal. Honest, I'm not--I'm just really grateful today. I know there's truly something wrong with me, so I'm not just whinging and whining for no real reason..LOL It's a legitmate whine! And I'm not fearful of being under some surgeon's care--it's a fixable problem that there's a solution to. And I'm so damn glad for what it's NOT, that this is a cakewalk. No fooling!
Ya know what---HE BELIEVED me! LOL
I celebrate that--cuz he's darn good at punching holes in what I puke out to find the truth -- and he's DAMN good at shoving it down my throat and making me choke it out.
He sounds particularly violent, doesn't he? LOL
Truth is, he's one of the most loving men that I have the privilege to know---and he loves ME.
And he BELIEVES me!
THIS--is a big deal!
AND I got a headlock on top of it!
Woooohooo!!!!!
I'm sooooooo easily satisfied it's pathetic! LOL
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Panic and Gratitude
I'd just gotten out of an administrative meeting when my cellphone rang and it was a staff member at the unit. She wanted me to ring the local physician who had rung there--Stacy's a nice gal.....she made sure the message was clear "I NEED to talk with her and she NEEDS to ring me back today."
I thanked the staff very kindly and set about trying to ring the doctors office. And the phone rang and rang.....and rang. Okay, double check with the unit to make certain they've given me the correct number and try AGAIN......and again....and again. Now, I'm not wild about cellphones in the first place--trying to ring them and get across a busy town is a bad plan. So....I set the phone down. If it was so damn important that she talk with me, she woulda answered the damn phone, don't ya think?!
It took me 30 miles of driving to get to the tearful stage. I don't much like physicians who make it clear that they NEED to talk with you--it's not like they need to talk with you about something FUN.....and I have a long standing history of not fun moments with doctors/oncologists/physicians in general. And I DO have a creative mind. Yep, undoubtedly they'd found something with that MRI and undoubtedly they wanted me in the office to tell me what good stuff I was going to get to do. I knew all was not right--that's why the MRI. I had that fear that it was going to be another cancer--it's a legitimate fear. I did eight straight years of it....and the further you get out from the last one, the closer you get to the next one. That's just how it is.......
I was trying to figure out how I was going to make it all work for the Brit....how would he manage having to deal with the horrors of treatments, where would he go if it wasn't arrested and I didn't get a remission and I died this time around, what would happen to him and how was I going to help him find an okayness with it all. Small wonder the tears came--two years of an awesomely wonderful marriage and I was going to have to include him in stuff that I never ever wanted to have him be a part of. Crying and being scared and sad-- probably pretty appropriate feelings to have when you're entertaining those thoughts.
And then I thought of how graced I'd been to have those two years, to have an opportunity to have had any of this--how loved I was and how special it was to have had that find ME...Strangely enough, I was done being tearful.
G-d really has graced me.....
I took the turn when I came to the street where the doctor's office was located--and I went to see what was up with them being closed so early.
They weren't closed.
No power, no lights--someone had hit a line when they were digging.
And Stacy WAS glad to see me cuz I AM a tough woman to get hold of.
She was surprised at my reaction and said so--she didn't expect me to be so calm about a bulging disc and the need to see a neurosurgeon cuz surgery was going to be required.
A bulging disc and another that's damaged.
I'm just so grateful for what it's NOT....that what it IS is manageable and doable and feeling pretty minor in the huge scope of things.
I'm very, VERY grateful........
I thanked the staff very kindly and set about trying to ring the doctors office. And the phone rang and rang.....and rang. Okay, double check with the unit to make certain they've given me the correct number and try AGAIN......and again....and again. Now, I'm not wild about cellphones in the first place--trying to ring them and get across a busy town is a bad plan. So....I set the phone down. If it was so damn important that she talk with me, she woulda answered the damn phone, don't ya think?!
It took me 30 miles of driving to get to the tearful stage. I don't much like physicians who make it clear that they NEED to talk with you--it's not like they need to talk with you about something FUN.....and I have a long standing history of not fun moments with doctors/oncologists/physicians in general. And I DO have a creative mind. Yep, undoubtedly they'd found something with that MRI and undoubtedly they wanted me in the office to tell me what good stuff I was going to get to do. I knew all was not right--that's why the MRI. I had that fear that it was going to be another cancer--it's a legitimate fear. I did eight straight years of it....and the further you get out from the last one, the closer you get to the next one. That's just how it is.......
I was trying to figure out how I was going to make it all work for the Brit....how would he manage having to deal with the horrors of treatments, where would he go if it wasn't arrested and I didn't get a remission and I died this time around, what would happen to him and how was I going to help him find an okayness with it all. Small wonder the tears came--two years of an awesomely wonderful marriage and I was going to have to include him in stuff that I never ever wanted to have him be a part of. Crying and being scared and sad-- probably pretty appropriate feelings to have when you're entertaining those thoughts.
And then I thought of how graced I'd been to have those two years, to have an opportunity to have had any of this--how loved I was and how special it was to have had that find ME...Strangely enough, I was done being tearful.
G-d really has graced me.....
I took the turn when I came to the street where the doctor's office was located--and I went to see what was up with them being closed so early.
They weren't closed.
No power, no lights--someone had hit a line when they were digging.
And Stacy WAS glad to see me cuz I AM a tough woman to get hold of.
She was surprised at my reaction and said so--she didn't expect me to be so calm about a bulging disc and the need to see a neurosurgeon cuz surgery was going to be required.
A bulging disc and another that's damaged.
I'm just so grateful for what it's NOT....that what it IS is manageable and doable and feeling pretty minor in the huge scope of things.
I'm very, VERY grateful........
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Sad circumstances....
We got several calls from the girl during the weekend--that helped my peace of mind a whole lot.....but it hurt my heart at the same time.
I'm staying grateful cuz she missed that convoy that got shot at by five minutes. THANK you, G-d.....and thank you to the folks who pray for the girl.
She ended up at LSU and is watching a whole lot of people come in and go out. And because she's such a fast little typist, she was ending up sitting on her thumbs waiting for more information to be gathered so she could enter THAT.....so little humanist that she is, she volunteered to go gather information TO be put into the computers. And 'out on the floor' she'd go.
She, go figure, was working with all the kiddos who were being evacuated....and there's a whole parcel of them who aren't connected with their parents today. There's a three year old that attached herself to the girl..... She has the first and last name of the mom--and that's it. The mom had passed off the three year old to a stranger when the bus was full and there was no room for her.
Okay......this is where I get tearfully and overwhelmingly sad cuz SHE'S sad she'll have to leave and won't know if the kiddo finds her mom and gets reunited. G-D help them to be reunited......soon.......
I tried to conceive being under circumstances where I'd willingly place my precious and loved beyond recognition three year old in the arms of a stranger. I'd have to be convinced I'd be jeopardizing her safety to hang on to her.
How horrid circumstances must be to have to decide that.......
How selfless to decide...and how frightening it's come to have mothers of small innocents having to make that decision.
My heart just HURTS.....
G-d HELP them to be reunited soon.
And thank you for doing a good job of keeping the girl safe.....she's doing loving works and she's got a heart that just won't quit.
I'm staying grateful cuz she missed that convoy that got shot at by five minutes. THANK you, G-d.....and thank you to the folks who pray for the girl.
She ended up at LSU and is watching a whole lot of people come in and go out. And because she's such a fast little typist, she was ending up sitting on her thumbs waiting for more information to be gathered so she could enter THAT.....so little humanist that she is, she volunteered to go gather information TO be put into the computers. And 'out on the floor' she'd go.
She, go figure, was working with all the kiddos who were being evacuated....and there's a whole parcel of them who aren't connected with their parents today. There's a three year old that attached herself to the girl..... She has the first and last name of the mom--and that's it. The mom had passed off the three year old to a stranger when the bus was full and there was no room for her.
Okay......this is where I get tearfully and overwhelmingly sad cuz SHE'S sad she'll have to leave and won't know if the kiddo finds her mom and gets reunited. G-D help them to be reunited......soon.......
I tried to conceive being under circumstances where I'd willingly place my precious and loved beyond recognition three year old in the arms of a stranger. I'd have to be convinced I'd be jeopardizing her safety to hang on to her.
How horrid circumstances must be to have to decide that.......
How selfless to decide...and how frightening it's come to have mothers of small innocents having to make that decision.
My heart just HURTS.....
G-d HELP them to be reunited soon.
And thank you for doing a good job of keeping the girl safe.....she's doing loving works and she's got a heart that just won't quit.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Self condemnation/self valuation
Self condemnation/self valuation
That was the defect of character on the list that I was looking at yesterday.
Yes--I have a list...LOL
I was about to happily say proclaim 'self valuation' until someone asked me to be nicer to ME. Huh?!
Now why in the world would they say that to ME? LOL
I can be pretty self critical--not in a condemning way, cuz I'm clear that my worth and value isn't contingent upon 'doing'. But I DO have a tendency to be inventorying all the time and putting a lable on it that apparently makes some folks think I'm putting myself down and being critical of me.
Umm....it's not a measure of my worth and value, folks---REALLY!
I get how they see that, and I'm thinking I need to be more on the sharing side on how what I do doesn't define my value. Cuz truly, I'm not particularly down on Mel. I can not be pleased with my choices during some circumstance and pop off with:
"Oh--THAT was dumb"
"Brilliant--way to create a mess, Mel"
"WAY to go, ya dork"
"I'm such a dweeb"
"SOMEday this WILL be gone from my defects list---REALLY!"
And "I'm SUCH a liar, cheat and thief--" even said tongue in cheek can give folks the impression that I'm devaluing me.
Me and my sense of humour...and I do have a sense of humour. I've learned to laugh at my own stupidity. LOL THERE I go again!
It's not that I'm down on me--and I have no shame about the places I've been and the things I've done. They all brought me to where I am today. They don't define ME. But when I don't give people the whole picture their perception is thwarted and conclussions are drawn.
I don't devalue myself--cuz as a child of G-d my value just IS. But I do contribute to making it look LIKE I don't value me, apparently.
MORE work to do! LOL
They weren't kidding when they told me I'd never be a 'done' project.
That was the defect of character on the list that I was looking at yesterday.
Yes--I have a list...LOL
I was about to happily say proclaim 'self valuation' until someone asked me to be nicer to ME. Huh?!
Now why in the world would they say that to ME? LOL
I can be pretty self critical--not in a condemning way, cuz I'm clear that my worth and value isn't contingent upon 'doing'. But I DO have a tendency to be inventorying all the time and putting a lable on it that apparently makes some folks think I'm putting myself down and being critical of me.
Umm....it's not a measure of my worth and value, folks---REALLY!
I get how they see that, and I'm thinking I need to be more on the sharing side on how what I do doesn't define my value. Cuz truly, I'm not particularly down on Mel. I can not be pleased with my choices during some circumstance and pop off with:
"Oh--THAT was dumb"
"Brilliant--way to create a mess, Mel"
"WAY to go, ya dork"
"I'm such a dweeb"
"SOMEday this WILL be gone from my defects list---REALLY!"
And "I'm SUCH a liar, cheat and thief--" even said tongue in cheek can give folks the impression that I'm devaluing me.
Me and my sense of humour...and I do have a sense of humour. I've learned to laugh at my own stupidity. LOL THERE I go again!
It's not that I'm down on me--and I have no shame about the places I've been and the things I've done. They all brought me to where I am today. They don't define ME. But when I don't give people the whole picture their perception is thwarted and conclussions are drawn.
I don't devalue myself--cuz as a child of G-d my value just IS. But I do contribute to making it look LIKE I don't value me, apparently.
MORE work to do! LOL
They weren't kidding when they told me I'd never be a 'done' project.
Friday, September 02, 2005
It's an honourable thing----
--so what was the point of being panicked?!
Okay--so the girl rang me to get a response to the voicemail she left that I didn't KNOW was on my cellphone. Damn cellphone.
"So....do you think I'm nuts to hop a plane to Baton Rouge to help do computer entry for a Red Cross Disaster Response Team? There's a lot of people lost and displaced-- and no one's keeping tabs. It's just for the weekend--and they'll have a place for us to crash inbetween taking names and getting stuff into their computer system....."
YES--I THINK YOU'RE NUTS!!!!! HELLO?!?! I do NOT want you anywhere NEAR New Orleans. I'm embarassed to be a part of humankind today.....I just AM.
NO. You canNOT go. People have guns and they're shooting each other and being all sorts of desperately stupid.
"MOM! It's fifty miles or so....and I talked with Chris (excoworkerin Baton Rouge) and they mostly have electricty even if they can't keep food on the shelves. He says it's crowded--but doable and people are being civil and helpful. Nobody's living in the streets--churches are full and families have taken in families-- We can't fly straight IN to Baton Rouge--- It's just for the weekend."
*sigh*
So she's going to Baton Rouge for the weekend to help Katrina victims. It's an honourable and good thing.
*sigh*
Me and this knee-jerk reaction--- EVERY freaking time.
First it's the sharks on the wrong-way-around-the-world yacht race--now it's visions of some looter/crazed person gunning her down when she's simply trying to be helpful and kind. I NEED to quit doing that stuff!
Oh......and I did tell her I was done being the protective, pukey mother--and of COURSE making the journey was a loving and honourable thing for her to do.
And I told her to stick beef jerky in her bag.
And to travel safely.
And to remember how loved and how very proud I am of her.
And to take clean underwear.
LOLOL ---I am still the mom!
Okay--so the girl rang me to get a response to the voicemail she left that I didn't KNOW was on my cellphone. Damn cellphone.
"So....do you think I'm nuts to hop a plane to Baton Rouge to help do computer entry for a Red Cross Disaster Response Team? There's a lot of people lost and displaced-- and no one's keeping tabs. It's just for the weekend--and they'll have a place for us to crash inbetween taking names and getting stuff into their computer system....."
YES--I THINK YOU'RE NUTS!!!!! HELLO?!?! I do NOT want you anywhere NEAR New Orleans. I'm embarassed to be a part of humankind today.....I just AM.
NO. You canNOT go. People have guns and they're shooting each other and being all sorts of desperately stupid.
"MOM! It's fifty miles or so....and I talked with Chris (excoworkerin Baton Rouge) and they mostly have electricty even if they can't keep food on the shelves. He says it's crowded--but doable and people are being civil and helpful. Nobody's living in the streets--churches are full and families have taken in families-- We can't fly straight IN to Baton Rouge--- It's just for the weekend."
*sigh*
So she's going to Baton Rouge for the weekend to help Katrina victims. It's an honourable and good thing.
*sigh*
Me and this knee-jerk reaction--- EVERY freaking time.
First it's the sharks on the wrong-way-around-the-world yacht race--now it's visions of some looter/crazed person gunning her down when she's simply trying to be helpful and kind. I NEED to quit doing that stuff!
Oh......and I did tell her I was done being the protective, pukey mother--and of COURSE making the journey was a loving and honourable thing for her to do.
And I told her to stick beef jerky in her bag.
And to travel safely.
And to remember how loved and how very proud I am of her.
And to take clean underwear.
LOLOL ---I am still the mom!
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