Panic and Gratitude

I'd just gotten out of an administrative meeting when my cellphone rang and it was a staff member at the unit. She wanted me to ring the local physician who had rung there--Stacy's a nice gal.....she made sure the message was clear "I NEED to talk with her and she NEEDS to ring me back today."

I thanked the staff very kindly and set about trying to ring the doctors office. And the phone rang and rang.....and rang. Okay, double check with the unit to make certain they've given me the correct number and try AGAIN......and again....and again. Now, I'm not wild about cellphones in the first place--trying to ring them and get across a busy town is a bad plan. So....I set the phone down. If it was so damn important that she talk with me, she woulda answered the damn phone, don't ya think?!

It took me 30 miles of driving to get to the tearful stage. I don't much like physicians who make it clear that they NEED to talk with you--it's not like they need to talk with you about something FUN.....and I have a long standing history of not fun moments with doctors/oncologists/physicians in general. And I DO have a creative mind. Yep, undoubtedly they'd found something with that MRI and undoubtedly they wanted me in the office to tell me what good stuff I was going to get to do. I knew all was not right--that's why the MRI. I had that fear that it was going to be another cancer--it's a legitimate fear. I did eight straight years of it....and the further you get out from the last one, the closer you get to the next one. That's just how it is.......

I was trying to figure out how I was going to make it all work for the Brit....how would he manage having to deal with the horrors of treatments, where would he go if it wasn't arrested and I didn't get a remission and I died this time around, what would happen to him and how was I going to help him find an okayness with it all. Small wonder the tears came--two years of an awesomely wonderful marriage and I was going to have to include him in stuff that I never ever wanted to have him be a part of. Crying and being scared and sad-- probably pretty appropriate feelings to have when you're entertaining those thoughts.

And then I thought of how graced I'd been to have those two years, to have an opportunity to have had any of this--how loved I was and how special it was to have had that find ME...Strangely enough, I was done being tearful.
G-d really has graced me.....

I took the turn when I came to the street where the doctor's office was located--and I went to see what was up with them being closed so early.
They weren't closed.
No power, no lights--someone had hit a line when they were digging.

And Stacy WAS glad to see me cuz I AM a tough woman to get hold of.

She was surprised at my reaction and said so--she didn't expect me to be so calm about a bulging disc and the need to see a neurosurgeon cuz surgery was going to be required.
A bulging disc and another that's damaged.

I'm just so grateful for what it's NOT....that what it IS is manageable and doable and feeling pretty minor in the huge scope of things.

I'm very, VERY grateful........