That'll teach me.......

I don't have to have an opinion.

Wow..now there's a novel idea.

I don't have to have an opinion.

Contempt prior to investigation really isn't something I need to practice. I thought that was one I'd kissed goodbye to long ago.

Notsomuch--or if I did, I opted to 'borrow' it for a chunk of time and I need to return it back to its rightful place.

I am not fond of meetings. And I'm even more un-fond of trainings. I get more of the same 'stuff' only it's called 'new and innovative' cuz there's a bit of a tweak to the module they're tossing into it.

Ain't new.

Ain't innovative.

I don't LIKE trainings -- mostly for this reason.

But.........
I enjoyed the leadership training today.

Seriously.

This one, I liked and I well needed to be there.

It was uncomfortable.

It required honest conversation about my part in a weak area, professionally.

I don't care that 73% felt appreciated. That's nice. I'm glad.
But it's the 27% that don't that I have a need to give some serious attention to.

And no, I don't need someone excusing me from my part in that by attributing it to "the 27%" and "you can't please all the people all the time".

It's not about 'pleasing' anyone, it's about making certain ALL people know their work, their efforts, their time, their investment is recognized and appreciated.

Fact is, four years ago those numbers were 87% /13%.

That disturbed me. I was sorta hoping I wasn't the only disturbed person in the bunch.

It got a bit awkward when my 'this is the truth about Mel' seemed to force a room full of folks into silent introspection......and in some cases denial and justification.

It got a bit twitchy when I said I wouldn't accept my own excuses and surely wasn't borrowing any either.

I don't feel good about going backwards. I don't 'buy' that it'll 'go in waves'.....

I have this stupid fear of looking.......mushy.
I know that gets in my way.

I'll think 'Oh, that was so cool and so loving.....' And I fail to say it out loud cuz I just know how......gakky that sounds.

I'd gotten better....and then I got worse.

I'll get better again--leastwise in the actions. But until I MOVE off that baseline belief and fear of looking STUPID and weak and gakky....... *sigh* It'll only be a temporary fix and we'll be right back where we've been before. Over and over and over again.

I needed the training to force the inventory taking in that area.
No surprises--I know me. And I have people around me who'll point out truth if I suddenly 'forget' what's true about me.

I'm pretty sure there are a few 'peers by profession' who'd like to dropkick me.

I suppose it was the:

"Yaknow--that excuse just doesn't work for me. If I let it, I'd be compromising my integrity and I'm just not willing to do that. I struggle to believe that you really want to compromise yours....."

I used that line more times today than I care to admit......Not because I needed to 'stick it' to anyone. I needed to 'stick it' to ME.

I take it back.

Not all trainings are 'stupid' and 'a waste of my time'.

I ain't telling the boss that though.

That'd be pushing it........