Patience

Sleeping with Bread

It's not that I've ignored the mission, the dream...the hearts desire that I've set my course to chase.  It's that I put a barrier in the way of putting fingers to keyboard here.
A bit disillusioned by what I believed was the focus in the partnership of missions, I've abandoned the one and returned to the other--no strings attached, no book to buy....no promotion and personal gain.  Yes, I'm a bit jaded in my perception.  *sigh*  If one person is helped by the works, then it's good.  It's simply not how I believe--and I'm called to LIVE those values and beliefs in ME that I claim as mine.  Authenticity isn't an easy quest some moments....

St. Ignatius had one agenda--and that was helping another soul move past barriers to get to where their heart's desire was to BE.
I will not get stuck in the muck and mire of internal conflict--I'll simply move to where I'm the most affirmed in my value/belief.....and keep moving.



So--while I look at the desolation and consolations, the hearts' desire to BE the loving person I AM.  Where am I at, how am I doing?  What's going well...what sucks.  LOL

I'm one who's quite aware of when I've SUCKED at matching what I do, to what I BELIEVE.
I have this wee thing inside of me that gets really, really LOUD.
I'm grateful for that--I don't think that existed IN me until others helped me develop it.  But boy is it developed now!

The trick is doing something with it when it's hollering at me AS soon as possible.  Which is why I'm constantly 'inventorying' me, my motive and my actions.  Admittedly, I can LOOK sincere and well meaning--and have crappy motives.....personal gain and all that (which is why I'm NOT passing judgement on others who do what I do--) I think it's that 'human-ness' coming into play.....gee....we ALL do it.  The question for me--is what will I NOW do with since I've recognized it and own it.

Welllll....I've sucked more than once in the past week!
And more than once I've said "Okay....stop the world for a minute...."
And more than once I've had to use that 'pause' to just breathe and LISTEN.
"Well, that wasn't very loving of me, was it....."  It's been accompanied with an apology and a re-doing.  (Sorry--not buying 'sticks and stone may hurt my bones but words will never hurt me'.  I grew up in an environment where I'da just as soon taken my physical beating than listen to the words.)  Now, if I could simply shush and NOT say things in a way that create barriers to being heard!
Yes, I know that'll be a life long quest--the audiences hold people with their own 'stuff'...ya never quite know when you're going to step on a landmine.  But I'm talking the popping off when I suddenly find 'patience' and 'compassion' have left the building and I'm on that quest to be RIGHT......again....  That ain't about them--that's about me.  *sigh*

I've sucked more than once this past week......and there's been a few moments when fallen faces happened and I lost the audience I was playing to.
FACE it....I had plenty of practice when it was a limited audience--but toss me back into the mainstream.....OH boy has it become abundantly clear where the focus and energy needs to go.  What I don't wanna do is use grab THAT as an excuse to move from what I really, really desire to BE and DO.

It'd be really easy to 'rest' in "Wow...it is soooooooo great to have you back" and not bother with the "Well.....you're definitely BACK!?"  I get way more of the first than I do the second--however....
While I know I won't be effective with everyone, all the time, every time....I canNOT create barriers that close doors because I let me and my ego get in the way.

Matters......they ALL matter.
And every one of them gets to know that.
Even if they don't trust that, or believe that....

Dare to Have Joy:

* the lawn chair on the patio that's waiting on me
* Mr. Bunny eyeballing me nervously (how soon they forget!  LOL)
*  Easter egg making
*  wee pinwheels
*  the smell of dirt

More from the fairy...

"Someone ought to do it, but why should I?" -- "Someone ought to do it, so why not I?" 
Between these two sentences lie whole centuries of moral evolution.

Annie Besant

Awww...

Awwww...  The sis thought I needed help with replacing the "the stupid cast ate my skirt" skirts.  Seriously, darn good thing I wear skirts, elsewise I'da had "issues" with covering my body!

This one she snagged on sale for $6!!  And the ruffled top...$2.

What a good little shopper she is!

LOL  Cost more to mail off the box, silly woman.

OH!!!

And she sent wee cut outs to make wee pinwheels with....and a darling little card made just for me!

Aww.  I am so loved.  :-)

:-/

Oh mann...I knew this would happen.  It would get warmer ... enough that I could grab a sweatshirt, have he-who-does-seasonal-allergies drag out a lawn chair....and I'd be able to sit..... And frown at the stuff that needs cleared off, stuff that needs drug out, stuff that needs  hosed off, stuff that needs put out and assembled.....like my beloved patio swing.....*sigh*
STUFF that I cannot do.
It'll happen....eventually.
I'd have it ALL out in 24 hours.....and nurse my poor aching back with great happiness.

Oh but the buddlieas got moved out by the two legged, capable person courtesy of the new handy dandy pot mover thingy!  And they got a drink of water.  Happy bushes!  Complete with bitty green leaves....just waiting on sunshine and warmth.

I got to supervise!
And I got to see Mr. Bunny!!
We had a lovely chat.

I got to sit OUTside.....ON MY PATIO!

Wow.....spring mighta sorta showed up.
Musta.
The lawn chair....still there!!  Wooohoo!!!!

Dam Fish

Today's Reminder

I have learned this: it is not what one does that is wrong, but what one becomes as a consequence of it.

--Oscar Wilde

There are countless ways to take shortcuts in life or to grab for pleasures. We could cheat on our income taxes, excuse a food binge, or lie to a loved one about where we've been. We say, "It won't hurt anyone!" "I wouldn't do it if it weren't for the other guy." Or, "Everyone does it." But if we are to like and respect ourselves, we need to live by the rules we believe in. Whether we get caught or not isn't the point. We cannot hold values and then repeatedly justify breaking them.

What does it do to us if we constantly fudge on our values? It undermines our self-esteem and damages the faith we have in ourselves. We do not expect to be perfect, but we must be accountable. If we are honest with ourselves, we admit our wrongs and reestablish our self-respect.

"Nana.....LOOK!"

TGIF.....sorta......LOL

"It's your husband....."

Now--what makes folks think it's a good idea to put a call from the spousal unit to my office?!
They already knew I was late in leaving--two hours late..the meeting that was only going to take a few minutes....didn't take just a few minutes.

"Couldn't you just tell him I was on the way.........Well HELLO--how are ya?!"

*sigh*
What's WRONG with these people?!

Okay, okay--so I was over on my time worked by a couple hours.  And yes, that's 150% of the time I'm 'allowed' to be at the worksite.
The boss was there...he didn't kick me out.

k.....well, he was shaking his head when I got off the phone.

"So what time did you come IN to work today?"

"Umm....8:30 this morning?"

He's AS bad as the spousal unit.

"Math wasn't your strongest subject, was it?"

:-D

"Then you'll be working a short day on Friday."

:-/

Right......Not 'zackly what I had in mind...
I'll unplug the phone!
And turn off the computer.
And lock the door?
AFTER I toss the cellphone in the hallway?

Fairy Dust

That which we fear grows in proportion to our obsession with it.

Black and White

Fairy Reading

I will love you no matter what. I will love you if you are stupid, if you slip and fall on your face, if you do the wrong thing, if you make mistakes, if you behave like a human being - I will love you no matter.

--Leo Buscaglia

Wouldn't it be nice if there were just one person in our lives who loved us no matter what our faults? And wouldn't it be equally nice if we, too, could love just one person in the same way?

Love is not an easy emotion for us to feel. In the past we may have associated feelings of love with negative feelings such as pain, hurt, rejection, or disappointment. But we can put the negative feelings aside and learn how to feel love as a positive emotion.

Love does not necessarily mean sexual attraction or commitment. Love can simply be seeing someone for who he or she is, whether that person is a friend, coworker, boss, family member, or lover. To show love, we can keep our actions simple - by making a phone call, writing a letter, or sharing a hug. Let's show someone we care.

Half Time....

Sometimes I have to wonder--'zackly how smart was it bringing me back to the worksite on a part time basis?  And under these circumstances, 'specially.  It's all feeling a bit...tentative as to what I can/oughta be doing....

So when I get asked to pick something up, start doing something that could be done by me from a lonely office (okay.....too much drama Mel--it ain't 'lonely' with people coming through like there's a revolving door!) THE office...I say 'yes thank you, I think I'd like to do that'...and wonder why in the world I said that!

I made that point with the boss yesterday--"let's rethink this one--have me 'partner' until I'm full time...."  Sounds a whole lot better than "ARE YOU NUTZ?!"  LOL
But I'm thinkin' I could be saying that to him over and over and over again, if I'm not careful.
There are things I can do today--that won't be messing up the whole works if I can't/don't get to them tomorrow, no matter what interference happens.  And there are things that'll get lost in the chaos if they're not stayed on top of.  TRUST me--there's STUFF of that first type to keep me jumping from one thing to the next in that lonely little office of mine.

Do I LIKE that I'm not just grabbing back things that other folks have been doing for the past three months? Not particularly.  But I'm assured by every one of the folks that I work elbow to elbow with, my presence for the staff alone---makes that part time status 'worth it'.
*laughing*
"An hour.....just come back for an HOUR a day and we'll be doing cartwheels."

I'm back for four hours a day.  That should equate to handstands, yes?
*nodding*  I'm gonna tell the gal that and see if she's ready to pay up today.  :-/

Changing Hands

TFTD

Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems

Many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift.  Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.

A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.

In stead we are learning to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.

Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.

Facing and solving problems, working through problems with help of others, means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.

Another fine mess.....LOLOL

I will NOT elaborate on questions about the healing process.  I will be polite--tell people I'm doing 'okay' and keep moving.
Seriously--it's taking up wayyyyyyyy too much space in my head.  And then I start to go nutso....and sleep on the couch cuz I have some obscure 'pain' in the back of my thigh.  Good grief....probably a cramp from trying to move around with tensed muscles just WAITING for the other shoe to drop.  Enough already.
I took my duckies to the bubbles...and soaked.  Took a couple tylenol and camped out on the couch..with the brace locked in place and tried to sleep.  *sigh*  The added support for the night seemed to do the trick--up and moving without that crampy pain this morning.......so....  "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking."

I have other things to give my attention to.
As in May 7-29th.
I FINALLY got himself to book a flight to go see his mum.  She's been horribly sad and getting more confused--and he just needs to go see her.  Enough putting it off based on my broken-ness.  I can get in the car and get to work.  I can schedule 'stuff' out of town for other dates so it's not too scary traveling--and I can practice so going further isn't so stupidly scary in the month before he takes off!  There are people around here that will help me if that's what's needed.  SCHEDULE the flight!
Wow that took a whole lotta work on my part to make it happen. But it did!

Now I haffta wonder.....zackly HOW am I gonna make things happen that I need to have happen?

MORE crazy making in the head...I can't 'plan' for a month from now!!!
Do what I can today--and keep moving.  We'll deal with those 3 weeks when they get here!

*sigh*
I'm doing okay, thanks for asking.
All things will work out--let's not borrow troubles.

k....
I need to tattoo that on my head or something....LOLOL

Up

Today's Reading from the Reading Fairy

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

--Albert Einstein

It's easy to live as though our problems will just go away. We say tomorrow, next month, or next year will be better. We keep some kernel of hope that things will change, even though we haven't done anything to change things. Herein lies a paradox. We need to be positive, to let go, and to live one day at a time, but we also need to be sensitive to points in our lives that require us to take action.

Before we can begin to get out of a rut, to make positive change, we need to acknowledge that a problem exists in the first place and that we are responsible for doing something about it. When we can pinpoint the problem, we create a new awareness. We're suddenly open to receiving information we previously blocked out. We reach a higher level of thinking regarding our situation.

NOT helpful...

Well...woulda been helpful had they told me the doc was gone for the week.  *sigh*

Right.  No PT for this week.  Elevate.  Weight as tolerated(minimal).  Generally if there's no pain, we're good.  I didn't have pain.  And now....Define "pain"…

I'm starting to feel just a TAD nuts.
So I will indulge in a bubble bath.
That'll help that kinda crampy feeling I have going on...cuz in my book that is not pain.  That's the end result of flexing and shifting messing with the brace thingy.
OMG
DEFINITELY feeling crazy!!!!

Reminder from The Reading Fairy

“Have compassion for everyone you meet, 

even when they don’t want it.

 What seems conceit, bad manners, 

or cynicism is always a sign of things

 no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. 

You do not know what wars are going on 

down there where the spirit meets the bone.”

- Miller Williams