Sleeping with Bread

It's not that I've ignored the mission, the dream...the hearts desire that I've set my course to chase.  It's that I put a barrier in the way of putting fingers to keyboard here.
A bit disillusioned by what I believed was the focus in the partnership of missions, I've abandoned the one and returned to the other--no strings attached, no book to buy....no promotion and personal gain.  Yes, I'm a bit jaded in my perception.  *sigh*  If one person is helped by the works, then it's good.  It's simply not how I believe--and I'm called to LIVE those values and beliefs in ME that I claim as mine.  Authenticity isn't an easy quest some moments....

St. Ignatius had one agenda--and that was helping another soul move past barriers to get to where their heart's desire was to BE.
I will not get stuck in the muck and mire of internal conflict--I'll simply move to where I'm the most affirmed in my value/belief.....and keep moving.



So--while I look at the desolation and consolations, the hearts' desire to BE the loving person I AM.  Where am I at, how am I doing?  What's going well...what sucks.  LOL

I'm one who's quite aware of when I've SUCKED at matching what I do, to what I BELIEVE.
I have this wee thing inside of me that gets really, really LOUD.
I'm grateful for that--I don't think that existed IN me until others helped me develop it.  But boy is it developed now!

The trick is doing something with it when it's hollering at me AS soon as possible.  Which is why I'm constantly 'inventorying' me, my motive and my actions.  Admittedly, I can LOOK sincere and well meaning--and have crappy motives.....personal gain and all that (which is why I'm NOT passing judgement on others who do what I do--) I think it's that 'human-ness' coming into play.....gee....we ALL do it.  The question for me--is what will I NOW do with since I've recognized it and own it.

Welllll....I've sucked more than once in the past week!
And more than once I've said "Okay....stop the world for a minute...."
And more than once I've had to use that 'pause' to just breathe and LISTEN.
"Well, that wasn't very loving of me, was it....."  It's been accompanied with an apology and a re-doing.  (Sorry--not buying 'sticks and stone may hurt my bones but words will never hurt me'.  I grew up in an environment where I'da just as soon taken my physical beating than listen to the words.)  Now, if I could simply shush and NOT say things in a way that create barriers to being heard!
Yes, I know that'll be a life long quest--the audiences hold people with their own 'stuff'...ya never quite know when you're going to step on a landmine.  But I'm talking the popping off when I suddenly find 'patience' and 'compassion' have left the building and I'm on that quest to be RIGHT......again....  That ain't about them--that's about me.  *sigh*

I've sucked more than once this past week......and there's been a few moments when fallen faces happened and I lost the audience I was playing to.
FACE it....I had plenty of practice when it was a limited audience--but toss me back into the mainstream.....OH boy has it become abundantly clear where the focus and energy needs to go.  What I don't wanna do is use grab THAT as an excuse to move from what I really, really desire to BE and DO.

It'd be really easy to 'rest' in "Wow...it is soooooooo great to have you back" and not bother with the "Well.....you're definitely BACK!?"  I get way more of the first than I do the second--however....
While I know I won't be effective with everyone, all the time, every time....I canNOT create barriers that close doors because I let me and my ego get in the way.

Matters......they ALL matter.
And every one of them gets to know that.
Even if they don't trust that, or believe that....

Dare to Have Joy:

* the lawn chair on the patio that's waiting on me
* Mr. Bunny eyeballing me nervously (how soon they forget!  LOL)
*  Easter egg making
*  wee pinwheels
*  the smell of dirt