TFTD

When you encounter resistance, it means you are moving forward.

When you come across a challenge, it means you have reached the point where you can successfully meet that challenge.

Top ten things to do with a ripped off magic wand.....

1. Remove Mel's brain. (it only works half the time anyway....LOL)


2. Change all the clicky clacky heels in the world into ROCKET DOGS.....woooohoooooo!!!! (yes, I get to wear heels today, dangit.....)


3. Make all the turn signals in cars actually WORK when someone goes to turn. This would bring peace on earth.....


4. Popcorn ANY time ya want. *nodding* (adding to 'world peace', of course.....not selfishly motivated AT all......)


5. 24 hours of hairiness for the bald people of the world....THEN they'd remember what a 'bad hair day' was all about.


6. Spring would happen--with sunshine and warmth and sidewalks to colour! (k.....that's selfishly motivated--LOL)


7. 'Puters programs would say "oops......let me help you with that....." instead of "We need to restart cuz you're incompetent."


8. Wearing fuzzy jammies to work wouldn't be unacceptable...it'd be a fashion statement! (I'm all about fashion statements...LOL....NOT)


9. Super duper magical field's on new mechanical pencils that recognize their owner.....preventing theft of said new mechanical pencil. (It was PURPLE even...*sniffle*)


10. NO MORE goobers on coffee cups!!! Woooohoooooooo and Yippee!!!........... (stupid whitecups.....)

(be afraid....LOL....I'm just warmin' up with that wand! LOL)

The yardstick fairy visited........

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.--Bill Lemley

Being overcritical and irritable has been common to most of us.

Some of us go around with controlled smiles while underneath we are grumbling.

Others blast everyone around them.

Some of us save our most critical reactions for those we love while staying sweet and friendly with the outside world.

In any case, we are caught in a blinding trap.

We may know we feel trapped but do not see that our problem is mainly with ourselves.

Have we been falling into a pattern where no one seems to measure up?

Are we also being too critical or demanding of ourselves?

Perhaps we don't need to lower our standards so much as to hold them less tightly.

Hand over that wand.....

Even when you are thoroughly committed to staying focused, life can get in the way.
Though you may have the best of intentions, there will be times when you veer off course as a result of your own actions.

When that happens, don't beat yourself up about it--recognize it, accept it, learn from it, and get moving again.
Winners and losers will both stumble.

Winners have learned to quickly get back up and get moving again.

Or.........the fairies could just whap me in the head with it and keep it.

I suppose that'd work.

Though.....frankly, I'd rather have the wand. LOL

Ohhhhhhh the things I could do with that wand......

Make that $40.......

I've posted, I've unposted.

I've posted again.
I've unposted again.
And then posted again.
And then disabled the comments.
And re-enabled 'em.....

*sigh*
I need to just pass over that $20 and go for the ass kickin'......

*sigh*

Please skip this post....

*sigh*


Don't read this post cuz it'll implicate you.
That's honest.





k......





I lied.

I danced, I decided....and I lied.

The 1st of the year I managed a spendy trip first to the ER and then to the local physician. It took me four days of doing what didn't work to show up at the doc's--and then he jabbed me in the arse.
I wasn't a happy bunny.

He was running on the theory that I'm a bit on the immune deficient side. A shot in the rearend and I was figuring I was outta there, scott free!
He did the bloodtest after the fact.
I WAS impressed that he wasn't gonna demand blood--my 'impressed' wore off to aggitation after the rearend experience.
All that did was delay my departure to the drugstore where I got ANOTHER shot in the rearend with the spendy script!
*rolling eyes*


Nope. I didn't ring him back when he called.
Not the first time, not the second time.

Tossed it off to checking up on the eyeball--he'd demanded I show back up if the spendy med AND the 'oompfh chaser' in the rearend didn't do the job.....I was trying to secure not having a repeat of THAT experience.....

The eye's fine--no more pink!
Done deal!

And then Stacy called.
What a good little nurse.....*mumbling*
The Doc wanted to see me and I was 'bad' for not returning his calls.

I'm better!
Sheeeeeeshhhh.

"The bloodwork came back and he'd like see you."


Right.
*sigh*

It was a one minute appointment.
I'm sooooooo not kidding.
All that so I could be 'informed' that my white count was higher than he was comfortable with--so he'd sent on the labwork to the oncologist, who wanted me to go in for some tests....and he gave me the dates for the tests and the subsequent appointment with the oncologist.


Right.
*sigh*



Tell. Don't tell.
Tell. Don't tell.
Truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie.....

Truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie....

Pieces of my brain showed up here and confused the onlookers--it's so much FUN being surrounded by that noise and confusion 24/7.....ah yes, my brain at work.
What an amazing contraption. And ohhh......what noise and confusion.....


Wanna talk 'Denial'? --------


Noone has to know.
Ain't a big deal--just a test or two.
Hang on until you know what you're dealing with.
No sense in getting a whole bunch of folks upset.
It's not a problem unless they diagnose it.
Been there, done this.....buy time....
You wanna upset folks?
You wanna deal with their panic?
It's your deal.....your life....you can decide who you invite into this and when it's the 'right time'.
People will understand.
Quit borrowing troubles--you don't even know that there's a problem!
Skip the stupid tests--they just want your money....
What a bunch of scaredy physicians--
Or.....go get the tests done and see what they say.
Boy, what they won't do to get you into see them!
Your bloodtests are always high--he's a G.P. and he's just covering his rearend.
It'll wait..... No, don't wait--they might ring the house and upset the apple cart....
If it's what they're concerned it might be then you'll need the time to figure out how to deal with all of this......
Don't worry about it....
K....show up but let's be SMART about all this...
Quit making a big deal outta a little test or two....

(of course I know this is the tip of the iceberg.....cuz I've had enough dancing time with 'Denial' and he's assured me that all's going to be well....not a big deal...you're doing the right thing....no sense in upsetting the apple cart....)


I lied.

And I asked someone to lie with me when they asked why I was leaving work early and wouldn't take my vague answer (cuz I never EVER leave early....I'm a late leaver.....)

I lied and I pulled someone into it.

And now I've pulled every single one of whoever opens this page up into it as well.

Gotta have somewhere to put the truth.....

*sigh*

I'm sure 'Denial' will tell me that's perfectly 'okay'....that it was 'the right thing to do'....that I can 'confess the experience AFTER' I have the facts and spare anyone from 'unnecessary worry and fear'.... and they'll not only understand, they'll appreciate it....

Telling the truth here just brings worry to others.

Lies bring the worries to me.

I had the tests done today.

I'm a big girl.
Wait.
Buy time....come up with plan B when you know what you're dealing with .....won.

And I lose.

'Denial' assured me it was lose/lose.


I think he was right.

A second chance with 'Denial'.......

Let’s talk about ‘Denial’--that good friend I let go from my life…. The one I’m chasing after today.
We’re not talking about ’honesty’…it’s got absolutely nothing to do with the circumstances and ‘Denial’.

Not today….not right now, not at this minute….
Ending dance with ‘Denial’….how firm that decision was.
Choose--decide what’s ‘best for ME’ and let go to a different experience, without the company of a good friend or two.

It’s close--this ordeal with ‘Denial’ popping back into my life.
Oh, how I’ve missed many things about that relationship.
We’re comfy friends, the two of us--we’ve been down the pike a time or two…chatted til the wee hours, embraced the sweetness of bits and pieces that were mostly palatable.
I don’t think there’s anything I don’t know about ‘Denial’….I know there’s nothing he doesn’t know about me.

No secrets between the two of us--save the last five years, of course.

Which brings me into today.....and that's really not important--really it isn't.....
We picked up without missing a beat and it’s familiar and comfy and comforting.

And angering.
‘Denial’ has all sorts of questions and I find myself becoming bitter that I’m accountable to answer--obligated somehow.
Five years--there’s a whole lot of ‘explainin’ to do’.
He’s angry.
And I’m angry--let the past be.
Let what IS today be……..over there, somewhere.

Picking up where we left off--the beat’s off now, there’s questions and answers that make no sense to ‘Denial’…..ones that don’t justify the five years.
Ones that don’t make sense to ‘Denial’, with all his logic and wisdom--they’re not adding up.

He’s angry.

I’m angry he keeps asking.

LET IT GO.
Move on.
Get over it.

What matters is today and the rekindling of an old, familiar relationship that’s comfy and warm and workable between the partial realities that I force myself to pretend to contend with on rare occasion.

‘Denial’s’ madder than hell, though he assures me he doesn’t hate me…..after telling me he does.

And I keep going back for more because?

‘Denial’s’ familiar and can be so loving….really, he can make me smile so easily....

It’s all appearances.
It all comes at a cost--I know that.
In my heart I know this.
My head's the one that tells me to 'keep moving forward with this relationship'.

Five years….price you pay for choices made….
And today’s choice continues because yesterday’s wore thin.

Five years between then and now….

Time’s up.
Dance or don’t.
Choose.

It doesn’t have to be the ending dance--’Denial’ says so.

We had an ending dance and it didn't end.
What if he’s right?

Today's fairy reminder.....

You can come up with all sorts of excuses and reasonable explanations for why you are where you are.
The truth is, you are precisely where you have been willing, up to this point, to bring yourself.

You can know just what to do, and have every ability and resource with which to do it. And yet you also must be willing, or it will never happen.

Willingness comes from knowing why, on a deep and undeniable level. Willingness comes from making a solid, consistent and persistent connection to your most meaningful purposes.
Willingness comes from understanding that every action has consequences, as does every failure to act.

QOTW 1/27

When was the last time you became really, really angry?

Honestly?

This past week.

Whole body shaking, ready to lose it and just let 'er rip, from the pit of my being --ANGRY.

*shrugs*
It happens! LOL

I went for a brisk walk. That's a good way for me to spend the energy that comes with feeling out and out, rip-roaring angry.

I think I let it move from 'feeling' towards 'being'.

That's one of those deals I'd just as soon not dance with--but it happens and either I know what I'm doing with it, or it's doing it with me--plain and simple.

Better I'm responsible with it.

Elsewise I end up making hellacious messes.....and I won't have that!

(won't is the correct term....thank goodness I get to choose.....)

*snickering*

Forgive me.....

But we HAVE been freezing our arses off over here.

k....it's JUST a readin, it's JUST a reading.....

We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.

While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us.

Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.

Some of us go to the other extreme.

We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away.

We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone.

Some of us won't let people be there for us.

Either way, we are living out unfinished business.

When we change, our circumstances will change.

If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us.

We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet.

We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.

If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved.

We let ourselves have needs.

We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.

('cuse me while I go bang my head.........)

k........*trying!*

"Act as if."

There's magic in behaving the way we want to be, even though we don't yet feel it.

The behavior seems to lead the way.

The attitude, the mental state, follows.

Act as if, Mel.

Do what's in front of you and act as if.
The rest will follow.........right?

Rawrrrrrrr......(it's not required that I haffta LIKE something to do it anyway...k......)

*going forth and acting as if*

Hey!
I know!

I'll 'act as if' I'm a lion!

Rawwwwwrrrrrrrr!

:-D

I'm such a grump bucket. LOL

Ms. Grump Bucket and Mr. Crabby Pants.

*snickering*

Works!

Rawwwwwwrrrrrrrrr!

It's Friday!

Ummmmm........

Yippee!

*hitting button multiple times*

C'MONNNNNNNNN enlightenment!!!!!!!!

Another round of 'baby it's cold outside'?

*humming*

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry well
Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

C'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Baby it's cold outside



What's the difference between -19 and -34?

Yeah, yeah.......18 degrees.


They're BOTH freakin' cold.

*looking for scarf and muttons*

TFTD

You have got to know what it is you want, or someone is going to sell you a bill of goods somewhere along the line that can do irreparable damage to your self esteem, your sense of worth, and your stewardship of the talents that God gave you.--Richard Nelson Bolles

The ending dance with 'Denial'......

One of the things that happen when you get really sick--is your relationships with people.....change.

Oh, I know they change with 'life', period.

But get a terminal illness and you'll discover that your interaction with the whole world becomes 'different'.

Right, wrong or indifferent....It just does.

You're not sure what you're doing or how you're gonna be dealing with all the 'stuff'.... they don't know what they're doing or how they're going to be dealing with all the 'stuff'....

Things get scary--for everyone.

They become really scary, really fast.

And even with the best of intentions, decisions get made and relationships get changed.....

......sometimes forever.

I got sick.
And then I got sicker.

And then I got really sick.
For a whole lot of years I did the dance of sick, better, sick, better, sick, really sick, sorta better....on and on ....and on......

It wasn't a fun time for anyone.

I really and truly don't fault anyone their decision.
I believe folks were doing the best that they could--dancing as fast as they possibly could with all the stuff that was going on in their lives and in mine.

And in all that 'dancing'-- I decided that a good friend and I needed to be separated in our journeys.
'Denial' needed to go down his path and I needed to go mine.
It was really difficult for 'Denial' to watch me do this dance with sickness over and over and over again.....it was really difficult for 'Denial' to abide by my wishes and let me make the best choice for me--even if the choice wasn't a comfortable choice for him, or for me.

So I 'x-ed' him out of my world.

Not in an angry,vindictive, hurtful way.
But I 'x-ed' 'Denial' out just the same.

I let 'Denial' go, in love, with love and out of love.

And I began my years worth of silent treatment with 'Denial'.

I got better and didn't tell 'Denial'.
I got into a relationship with a short little fella from England and didn't tell 'Denial'.
Kiddos acted out, kiddos ran away, kiddos moved out and on with their lives and I didn't tell 'Denial'.

I got married and didn't tell 'Denial'.

Whole lives changed and 'Denial' wasn't privy to the infomation.

Circumstances changed in my life over and over again--and 'Denial' was left in the dark.......wondering, worrying, hoping....praying......talking with the angel that I never became....

'Denial' entered back into my life without my knowing.

But there he was in all his glory--befuddled at my existence, overcome with joy for his discovery.

Not a whole lot has changed even though everything's changed.

And years of silence has only given way to the anger of being ripped off from the privilege of walking through the storms with a person you desperately wanted to do the journey with.......

Here's one I NEED to remember before I DO anything today...

If you're not clear about your purpose on this day, random events, distractions and circumstances beyond your control will impose a purpose upon you.


Who/what is going to decide your purpose--you or the circumstances?

Today's thought --and questions

"You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if it's a
little thing, do something for others - something for which
you get no pay but the privilege of doing it."

-- Albert Schweitzer



How much do I give?
What do I give?
Why do I give?



Give more of yourself today.

Give graciously and gratefully.

Moving right along---

***please feel free to ignore the two posts following this one***

We now resume our normal broadcast schedule.

We interrupt this broadcast for an important announcement.....(for Mel, of course....)

Please be advised--this is one of those finger to the keyboard moments in time.

Those who know me well, know that's the history of how I operate.......and you realize you won't always 'understand' what the heck Mel's rambling on about.....but you listen and love me just the same, bless your pea pickin' hearts. Those of you who don't 'know' me--run for the hills!!

(just kidding.....I think......)

Maybe it's that fourth step that I've just finished up--this need to put the cards on the table for myself.
More likely, it's a by-product of who I really AM. I'm a 'put 'em on the table' kinda gal....warts and all....tada....hereeeeeeeeeeee's MEL!

How can one expect another person to love you, warts and all if you never show the freaking warts and are busy hiding 'em cuz you're scared they WON'T love you, warts and all?
They never get a chance and YOU never give it to them.....







I also know a few things about me.



I know I lie to myself on a regular basis.

I also know that means, by default, that I lie to anyone who opens this page and decides they're going to read Mel's life and walk away with something of value. (ha! I just made a joke!)

The value is--I'll put it out there--even when it's an exercise in Mel's fingers doing the talking and putting into black and white what's been swirling around, ungrounded and disheveled. (isn't that just how I read...LOL Totally ungrounded and a mess!)



In the process (cuz it is a process for me), lies will be told based on the information/perceptions that I have--which is oft times lacking.....LOL Data is everything next to perception. And if there's a loss of perception I either come to rely on the perceptions of other's around me......or the information at hand. Both can be faulty. LOL Shocker, but true.



Sucks that I'm part human and I have to rely on that 'stuff'.
But there you have it.

I'd rather have one of those neat, orderly brains where things always make sense and are 'logical.

Suddenly I'm feeling like an episode of Star Trek...why is that?



So......



*putting cards on the table*

I SUCK.

*sigh*

Really....I do.
I finished that fourth step and I wasn't thrilled.
AT all.

And I have to share it with another human being and G-D?!!
Like the Big Guy had NO clue until I put it on paper.......

I still suck.
And I'm kinda angry about it.
No..I'm angry about it.
Like really, really angry about it.
Selfish, self centered snot-nosed brat that I can be--of course I'm mad. One more time, instead of tellin' on myself cuz that's the right thing TO do, some structured exercise busts me out with what IS true.......

I suck.

*note to self*
Do NOT give yourself permission to say 'It's okay, Mel....'....cuz you know damn well it ain't.

Yep.
I suck.

(bookmark this page for future reference while you're at it!)

!done!