*sigh*Don't read this post cuz it'll implicate you.
That's honest.
k......
I lied.
I danced, I decided....and I lied.
The 1st of the year I managed a spendy trip first to the ER and then to the local physician. It took me four days of doing what didn't work to show up at the doc's--and then he jabbed me in the arse.
I wasn't a happy bunny.
He was running on the theory that I'm a bit on the immune deficient side. A shot in the rearend and I was figuring I was outta there, scott free!
He did the bloodtest after the fact.
I WAS impressed that he wasn't gonna demand blood--my 'impressed' wore off to aggitation after the rearend experience.
All that did was delay my departure to the drugstore where I got ANOTHER shot in the rearend with the spendy script!
*rolling eyes*
Nope. I didn't ring him back when he called.
Not the first time, not the second time.
Tossed it off to checking up on the eyeball--he'd demanded I show back up if the spendy med AND the 'oompfh chaser' in the rearend didn't do the job.....I was trying to secure not having a repeat of THAT experience.....
The eye's fine--no more pink!
Done deal!
And then Stacy called.
What a good little nurse.....*mumbling*
The Doc wanted to see me and I was 'bad' for not returning his calls.
I'm better!
Sheeeeeeshhhh.
"The bloodwork came back and he'd like see you."
Right.
*sigh*
It was a one minute appointment.
I'm sooooooo not kidding.
All that so I could be 'informed' that my white count was higher than he was comfortable with--so he'd sent on the labwork to the oncologist, who wanted me to go in for some tests....and he gave me the dates for the tests and the subsequent appointment with the oncologist.
Right.
*sigh*
Tell. Don't tell.
Tell. Don't tell.
Truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie.....
Truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie, truth, lie....
Pieces of my brain showed up here and confused the onlookers--it's so much FUN being surrounded by that noise and confusion 24/7.....ah yes, my brain at work.
What an amazing contraption. And ohhh......what noise and confusion.....
Wanna talk 'Denial'? --------
Noone has to know.
Ain't a big deal--just a test or two.
Hang on until you know what you're dealing with.
No sense in getting a whole bunch of folks upset.
It's not a problem unless they diagnose it.
Been there, done this.....buy time....
You wanna upset folks?
You wanna deal with their panic?
It's your deal.....your life....you can decide who you invite into this and when it's the 'right time'.
People will understand.
Quit borrowing troubles--you don't even know that there's a problem!
Skip the stupid tests--they just want your money....
What a bunch of scaredy physicians--
Or.....go get the tests done and see what they say.
Boy, what they won't do to get you into see them!
Your bloodtests are always high--he's a G.P. and he's just covering his rearend.
It'll wait..... No, don't wait--they might ring the house and upset the apple cart....
If it's what they're concerned it might be then you'll need the time to figure out how to deal with all of this......
Don't worry about it....
K....show up but let's be SMART about all this...
Quit making a big deal outta a little test or two....
(of course I know this is the tip of the iceberg.....cuz I've had enough dancing time with 'Denial' and he's assured me that all's going to be well....not a big deal...you're doing the right thing....no sense in upsetting the apple cart....)
I lied.
And I asked someone to lie with me when they asked why I was leaving work early and wouldn't take my vague answer (cuz I never EVER leave early....I'm a late leaver.....)
I lied and I pulled someone into it.
And now I've pulled every single one of whoever opens this page up into it as well.
Gotta have somewhere to put the truth.....
*sigh*
I'm sure 'Denial' will tell me that's perfectly 'okay'....that it was 'the right thing to do'....that I can 'confess the experience AFTER' I have the facts and spare anyone from 'unnecessary worry and fear'.... and they'll not only understand, they'll appreciate it....
Telling the truth here just brings worry to others.
Lies bring the worries to me.
I had the tests done today.
I'm a big girl.
Wait.
Buy time....come up with plan B when you know what you're dealing with .....won.
And I lose.
'Denial' assured me it was lose/lose.
I think he was right.
13 comments:
But you see, you won after all since you went and put it on the page. Is it okay for me to give you kudos for that admission before falling down in a hopeless pile of worry blathering on the floor?
For what it's worth, I like knowing what the dance is called. I kinda thought I might have sorta maybe known.
Now, the question is, are you going to settle down and let things look as they are or am I gonna have to come figure out where you live? ;)
-me (the pot calling the kettle black)
P.S. Oh yeah, prayers, thoughts, and all of that are coming to you strongly - you know, for those times when you need them.
Mel, i dont know what to say to this post.....except maybe not be so hard on yourself?..and maybe let the people who love you share things with you a bit?.....And telling the truth here may bring worry to people(count me in)..but that just means you are loved, and I once said that the greatest gift you can give someone, is the gift of yourself, in all its gory glory, because otherwise how can we help?or let you know we love you?
And if there is anything I can do to help, in ANY way...please let me know....just email me....you perhaps know I have skills I dont mention here, and there have been a few bloggers I have helped, when they have felt lost.
Ah, now you are making more sense to me. Glad you put this back up. Sometimes, there's things you can't say to others, you wanna hide the truth from, but you know, you can be honest with us.
Please keep us updated, and thinking of you.
Oh Mel dear. My heart goes out to you.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
Not a lot of use but the best I can do from here..
It's an honour that you've chosen to tell us this and that well outweighs any burden of worry I promise you.
Dancing with denial makes it more difficult to get on with what you can do for yourself and what others can do for you so I hope you're kicking him right out.
Lots of love dear Mel.
xxx
(and please do keep us updated. We want to be with you you know?)
Blimey, that Mig said just about everything I was going to say. She's a very smart lady.
(((((Mel)))))
Dash x
well i came here yesterday and left you a comment.( a really insightful one too! :) )but I got an message from Google that said there was an error? of course, always my luck.
but my comment had something to do with an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and you in the middle going ": I can't hear you!" How nebulous is that?
~shrug~
I can not rush into panic, but I can offer you a cyber ((HUG)) and the knowing that someone you have never met cares enough to light a candle for you and a helping of inner peace today.
be good to you!
I was with atypical...kinda guessing about what you were dancing around.
damn.
I trust that fessing up and pushing it all out onto the page...no matter how difficult...gives you some peace.
I'm hugging you close.
i'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))
As long as you tell that hubby of yours, you can hold off telling anyone else. It's your business.
Either way, be easy on yourself and know that people are sending positive vibes your way.
(((((((M)))))))))))
I've grown to care for a great deal my friend. Of course I'm going to be concerned for you, that's just part of the package of being a friend. Sending prayers and hugs your way.
((((((mel))))))
((((((((mel))))))))
(((mel)))
Face it head on and allow yourself to lean on the Brit.
((((((((mel))))))))
Remember how very loved you are...
(((((mel)))))
nope
I got off scott free
not implicated
just sending many many many many peace filled thoughts, hugs (the no-touchy kind), and lotsa love
lotsa love
unconditionally and without implications
X
((((Mel))))
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