Another cuppa coffee

Yesterday the intercom at the backdoor invited me to a cuppa java.
Well, not the intercom itself, but the fella who pushed it.
I took a cup and went....mostly cuz I'd use any excuse for a cuppa coffee and a chat with a kindred soul.

It was S., a pigeon from years back whom I'd worked with for six years.
He's sober today--and he'd come to visit with a pigeon of his own.
It was an "I'd like to drink." moment for S.'s pigeon, J.
S. had brought him to the picnic table where he'd had a similar conversation with me at a time when he wanted nothing more than to drink.

I said to J. the same thing I'd said to S..
It's your choice. You have that freedom of choice to drink..........you've simply lost the ability to STOP drinking, but nevermind that piece...g'head and drink. It's a luxury you really can decide on.

I suppose I sounded heartless.
S. tells me I'm simply 'transparent'--I'll say it and not be overly concerned about anyone's fragile little alcoholic feeling....I'm more concerned about their life.

He'd lost a baby to a misscarriage two weeks ago--and he'd like to drink about it.

I genuinely was sorry to hear about the loss. But.....No----WE'D lost a baby and the right place for him to be was with his wife, helping her (and him) walk through that one together.
Besides, the loss of the baby was just the cover for the bigger truth.....he's not being honest about those secrets he keeps which he believes define HIM.
Toss the loss of a child on top of the heap of 'stuff' we're not willing to be truthful about--and it looks like a plausible, understandable and 'forgiveable' excuse for picking up a drink today, dontcha think?
He's not being honest--with himself or anyone else around him.
He 'wants different'--he's just not willing to do the deal to GET different...or maybe he is now--dunno.

Either way--So be it......been there done that.
Drank again, over and over again, because I wasn't willing to tell the truth about Mel.

Who LIKES being that rigorously honest?

Ya know, I think the answer is "I DO!"
I like being free from all that crap that I convinced myself defined my worth and value in the world at large.
I like not having to do that battle, day in day out.
I like knowing what that foundation to freedom is bourne from.

I can't give that away.
I can't convince anyone that it's worth it.
But I can get reminded constantly of what I can have anytime I want to go back to lying to me and the world around me.

Pass.
It's bigger than "I won't drink today, thanks."
It's more like "I won't live lies."
Nor will I live, diminished through my own choice-- to be less than what I am or was designed to be.

I don't know if I helped J. make a different choice.
I prayed for him last night and again this morning.

I do know that J. helped me stay firm in the choice I need to make for me, today.......and hopefully tomorrow.
And I did thank G-d for the messenger.........