Crap....just........CRAP

Boy I made a self revealing comment talking with wisepersoninmylife.

I'm having a tough, TOUGH time on what to do with the 'twins' deal.
In talking it out loud, which I don't DO a whole lot......which I don't do AT all--'cept if I'm pushed....I heard myself say it. I didn't like what I heard myself say.

Here's a boy/man I've placed limits on, expectations on--a standard of behavior on in order to be 'involved' in my life upclose and personal.
Yep, ring me--let me know how life is going for you.....but I willNOT be a part of the insanity. Will NOT. For whatever reason, I'm just not strong enough to stay sane under those circumstances.
MY deal......some folks are strong enough to make it work and do. For whatever reason, I haven't been able to get there.

While you're still out doing what you're doing--do it over there. It won't come in this house, it won't have access to do wreckage in this home. Go forth and do what you need to do--I won't endorse it, of course.....and I can still love you from over here.
Made sense--honestly, as insane as it became here--as unsafe as it was, it was a matter of protection. It was a matter of keeping sane and remaining responsible to those things I needed to be responsible to, to the folks who relied on me to BE responsible and sane.
And mostly......I needed to be responsible to ME.

And now we're gonna be grandparents.
And they're the innocents.
And I ought to be able to 'act as if' those other circumstances were nonexistant, put them in the past and move on?
*shaking head*

The words were--"He wins."
Wasn't that just a mouthfull?
No matter which way I turn, he's gonna 'win'.
Let the past BE the past--and there's no accountability for his actions, for the wreckage he created......he 'wins'.
Stay firm in the expectations at the cost of the innocents--I'm still the evil witch that he'll NEVER be 'good enough' for and there's no accountability for his actions, for the wreckage created.....he 'wins'.

It's lose/lose.
Not actively having him IN my life--lose.
Having him in my life without that recognition/accountability---lose.
Being unyielding---lose.
Yielding---lose.

The girl informed me that I would be getting an invitation to a babyshower. The boy asked if I should be sent one and her response was "why WOULDN'T ya?".
It's set for my birthday.
There's plans for that day already made.
I don't know where my feet oughta land....it's about babies who didn't ask to be a part of the conflictual stuff.
It's not about me and him.....and it's all about me and him.

Surrender and ask G-d's will for me.
Better to love than to BE loved......
So the answer is to shut up, let go and show up?

I hate that I said "He wins."
It's a powerstruggle of some sort--one I'm going to have to acknowledge the unresolved resentments involved that I THOUGHT I'd let go of.

Is he still using?
Yep.
Is he still drinking?
Yep.

Has he cleaned up his wreckage?
Not here......indulged in self pity, yes..taken a look at what he was responsible for and damage done......no.
Is that more important than the lives of two innocents?
Is that essential FOR the lives of the two innocents?

I'm so freaking mad at myself for putting myself here.
I DID place myself here.....and there's not a freaking thing about that fact that I'm proud of.

Win.......lose..........
We're both losing now. Only ---I'm safe and sane.

Make that "I'm safe."
Cuz insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results.
Appears I'm doing 'insanity' with the boy.........again.............
Sure FEELS familiar........

CRAP.
Crap, crap, crap......