Huh.

That's all I could say.
When the sister rang to let me know that she needed to tell me something, I held my breath hoping it was good things for her and her hubby.

What she told me was that she'd received a holiday card from an aunt and the card informed her that 'our brother' had died in January of this year. According to the aunt, his body was yet to be buried--his children had determined that their father's brother was responsible to make that happen.

Huh.

That was the extent of my response.
Yup.....that's exactly what she said. "Huh."
She also told me she's searched for an emotional response and there just isn't one. She searched for two days before deciding she ought to share the information with me.

Huh.

Now I'm sitting here wondering exactly what all of that's about.
I tried to put it into words with her while I was on the phone.
I'm not sure how successful I was.

She and I both made a choice many years ago. We confronted the sex abuser(s) in our life who denied his(her) part and attempted to do crazy making, as sex offenders are want to do. She and I made the choice to divorce ourselves from the relationship(s). There was more than one offending sibling--we did not grow up in a healthy family.
We chose to close that chapter, pick our family and cling to that.
We clung to each other.

It's now an hour after the call and I've looked....I've asked myself what was up with the 'emotionally removed/voided' reaction to the loss of a sibling--which is a huge event in the lives of families.
Huh. is not the 'normal' response.

I hold no resentment.
I have no shame or anger.
I had no ill will for the offending sibling(s).
I simply made a choice, closed that chapter of my life and moved forward. I took the sister and the step-mother with me into the new chapter.
The rest were removed from my life--by choice.
It was the right choice for me.

She tells me it was the right choice for her.

I'm not sad.
It's 'too bad' the circumstances surrounding his death are as they are. He could have chosen different for himself and in his relationship with his children. It's 'too bad' he didn't--in my opinion. I'm not sad, I'm not angry--it's just 'too bad' that's how it played out.
But it was his choice to make. It was the choice he chose.

Just as it was my choice to make on how to move forward and take my life back.
He chose.
I chose.

He died -- January of this year.

Huh.



I've yet to say anything to himself.

The sister tells me when she shared with her husband, he was glad the sibling had died. Clearly he's still where he is with the events that his wife lived through. He didn't understand when the sister told him 'It's okay--it was a part of what happened in my life and I have different and wonderful things today.'
I suspect himself will have a similar reaction.
Dunno.

I'm too busy doing Huh. in my brain, searching for what I know is the 'society acceptable' response for a sibling's passing and trying to wrap my head around the fact that it's just not there.

Oddly enough, all I can come up with is that it's truly 'okay' to be where I am and to feel/not feel as I do.

........Huh.......
Yup.
That's where I'm at......