Yes--I sucked my thumb....

And I mean I seriously sucked my thumb.
Every night--without fail. Way past the time when it was socially acceptable to suck ones' thumb.

I stopped when I was threatened with losing something.

NOT because my teeth were going to be crooked.

NOT because my thumb was going to fall off.

NOT because I even particularly wanted to.

I stopped when I discovered it was the reason my best friend didn't want to have me over to her house for sleep-overs, especially if there were other people involved. Fact is, she was backing out of the relationship cuz she was getting grief from other kids about my 'habit'--she got mad enough, stuck in the middle enough--she finally got around to ridiculing me about it.


Honest.

Some best friend, eh?

I ended up alone. And I quit with the thumb.
I knew the friendship wasn't going to be restored......didn't matter.
End of story.

Except that's the story of my life.

I visited a weblog that had a quote from a book the gal had read:

Changing because you were caught doesn't make you honest.
Changing because you were forced to confess and now live under watchful eyes doesn't make you fixed.
Change because you can't live being who you are.
And change alone.

At first read I wanted to dispute what was written.

Certainly there were changes made in my life that happened because I had a simple desire to do different.......a 'problem' I'd identified and resolved to alter--and actually DID....without duress, without a gun to the head, without having to end up on the losing end of the deal....without loss of some type.

Nope.

Not long lasting, becomes a 'bit of all that Mel IS' change.

Oh, sure--I did brief stints, making changes in how I operated until I got what I wanted/avoided the disaster that I didn't want.

And back I'd go.

Doing what I'd always done.....

The significant, long lasting, 'change in all that Mel IS'--have been painful, lonely things.

Well worth the end results--but still painful, lonely things.

I think I could be embarassed about it if I let myself be.

But there's no shame here--it's just what's true in Mel's world.

Change because you can't live being who you are.

And change alone.

I know this one well.
It's the stuff my life has been made up of.
I also know those first two lines well.....also 'stuff' my life has been made up of:

Changing because you were caught doesn't make you honest.

Changing because you were forced to confess and now live under watchful eyes doesn't make you fixed.

I played that game.

I bought AND sold those lies.
Didn't work.
Righteous indignation that anyone would even question your credibility about having changed--also didn't work. Tried that.

The proof was in the living--and I lived out the truth no matter what my mouth said.

I ended up changing because I couldn't live being who I was.
And I changed alone.

The direct result of the very thing I knew was a problem but was unwilling to simply make the choice to DO different and follow through.......

I'd prefer to have a different experience in any other significant, long lasting changes I'm looking at wanting/needing to make.......
I apparently need to consult others who've operated differently and didn't need the experiences to the degree that I apparently needed to 'get around to' making changes in their lives.

I shall put an ad on Yahoo!

*nodding*

I'm sure that'll reap great rewards.