"Notice your feelings--positive and negative--throughout the day and reflect on the moments that are significant to you. These are the events that God is trying to tell you more about--examine these significant moments more deeply"......
"When the Examen is done over time, we begin to see the patterns of consolation (times when you feel the most alive, energized and connected to God) and desolation (when you feel God's absence or perhaps hopelessness)."
Patterns.....
I haven't always liked looking at the 'insanities' in my life--those things I do over and over and over again, expecting different results.
I'm stubborn and prone to human-ness...... I decide if I just try harder and longer and maybe this time with a bit of a twist--it'll work.
Notsomuch.....
True about multiples of things in my life--drinking, drugging, unhealthy relationships....even bothering to open the directions that come with newly purchased items that need assembled.
Try harder!! Try longer!! You, too, can be insane!
I've been at the weekly 'Examen' for a bit of time. And I do a nightly inventory--which gives me something tangible to go back to look at.
I've decided G-d might want me to be doing something with these 'intolerant' thoughts of mine. Now granted, they don't come out of my mouth--but I'm pretty convinced that they're eeking out in my attitude at times. Even when/if they're not, the very act of hanging on to them and acting as IF takes a whole lot of energy that I could be using in other places.
And frankly, I don't like how it FEELS to think those intolerant 'better than' thoughts that whiz through my brain. I know I'm not 'better than'....I know we're all G-d's kiddos......
Stupid brain.....
Okay--I get points for not sayin' what comes to mind. Or at least at one point in my life I did get points for that. Notsomuch today.... I used to believe I was entitled to say what I thought because I secretly knew you wanted me to. And when that got ripped out of the realms of my self appointed-responsibilities, I used to get great joy from acting in a kindly manner while I plotted in my head. I even self reported to the WPIML .....and I didn't get it when he actually had me go back and spend more time with the person that was driving me nutz--the one whose head I wanted to squish into itty bitty pieces.....
*sigh* I'd spend more time with them, come to know them as a human being and miraculously, they'd turn into a decent person. Who changed--them or me.... Me. Go figure.
I'm there again I think.
Or at the very least, the same issue is there. I'm not making the effort and that unkind, gee let's squish their head into smithereens thinking is there. I can FEEL the irritation slip in, the body tenses up and I'm dealing with that warp speed, judgmental, better than thinking. And while I think I handle the moment appropriately at that moment.....more oft than not I'm inventorying impatient, intolerant crap at the end of the evening, frequently going back to the person to apologize for what might have been interpreted as crappiness of attitude even if they didn't perceive it as that.
I knew it was.
Over and over and over again. Frequently with the same people.
And while they might have said or done things--their choices don't give me that 'please excuse Mel from being loving' excuse.
Stupid patterns.
Stupid brain.
Stupid ego..........
When I'm done muttering over me going BACK to what doesn't work--I'll thank the Big Guy for bringing this one back to my attention........again..........
:-/
3 comments:
Mel, this is a fabulous piece. I am fascinated with how differently each person might view or review their lives, issues and things that they might wish to change. Sometimes it works ... ones approach that is and sometimes maybe not.
Coming out of an abusive and dreadful marriage at 27 I knew that I I had to change or repeat the same stuff over and over again. I needed 30 years of counseling and had no money. But I did know that it was I who had to change.
I have always made my changes like this. Asking the question: OK God what do you want me to change, what's next and I will do it. Frankly it is never easy and I often have gotten more than I asked for but, it has always been good - if not frightening at times. It always takes a good bit of time to make these changes but it always pays off. For that I am exceptionally grateful.
I like your contemplative spirit. You seem to "look, listen and act." I know way to many people who have been going to "their" psychologists for too long creating yet another dependency or they just cannot make any changes. I think I might have killed myself had I not been able to change those things that needed changing.
Funny thing though, after creating real change, personality change and living with the new me for the last 39 years, I find "old" ways slipping back (the aging process) and I think maybe one doesn't really change for when you get old, much come back - and that is something one cannot do a thing about.
WEll, loved this piece - a whole lot!
Hi Mel,
What you are doing, an "examen"( which means an exam in French), is a hard excercize.
To be brutally honest with yourself with the underlying patterns in your thinking, and being AWARE of their work in making you unhappy.
I have my demons also. I try to just be happy just for me first and independent of others. To be my greatest cheerleader, FIRST and to say "whatever" to their reactions to me.
Look inside and love yourself.
Look above, too. Talk to the big dude.
I send my love and great support to you. You ROCK!!
xoxo
Thank you for sharing and enlightening.
Peace
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