Back attcha......

Last night I didn't hesitate. 

Three nights ago, I did.

I was angry, so I paused as I went to speak to the person who'd made the group responsible for hurting their fragile little alcoholic feeling.  So when I spoke to them after the meeting, I said what was 'kind and true'.   And probably what was 'necessary' at that moment.  

Targeting a person during the meeting they'd done what countless others have done, but I hugged 'em and let 'em know 'an ounce is that person you used for a punching bag—the two tons of truth is about your relationship with sister'. Immediate, uncontrolled sobbing, I was clutched tightly.

I'm scared for them--those things which haunt us, drive us to self destruction.

I didn't address the anger I felt.  I know enough to pause and buy time—the anger was mine to sort through.  I can't rightly be effective pointing out something while doing it. 

But boy howdy was I angry.

Enough that I rang WPIML the next day……and left a message……Fine.   Apparently I'm suppose to wade through this one a different way.

Last night…..LAST night was 'in your face' , 'back 'em into a corner with words', 'counter everything said with fact', 'quote the book and watch 'em squirm'.

Makes me wonder if I spent some of that 'angry' in wrong places—though the 'fact is' you don't get to tell me you'll do something two weeks ago….and not follow through.  Especially when that 'something' is vital to the foundation needed to stay clean and sober.  And when I inventory it—I wasn't particularly 'angry'……I mean, geeze--been there, done that….ran it til the wheels fell off.  They either "want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it"—or they don't.  It's that simple.  *sigh*  Just not 'easy'……

Himself knew I was angry and that I called WPIML –and I was late returning from the meeting last night.  He just had to ask if things were 'okay'.

Yup—as okay as they can get when I get to stand over here and watch the disease do what the disease does. 

"You don't get to help everyone." (OMG…he's such an AlAnon—of course I get to help everyone, I have that responsibility outlined for me…..it's just the matter of their willingness to accept that help, which is what makes me nutzo sometimes.  LOL)

So I talked what I knew was okay to talk—I talked in terms of ME.

"There's this disease in me—and I can convince myself, delude myself, lie to myself……and in an instance, even when I'm not thinking I wanna drink…..I can pick up and drink.  I used to think it was those moments when things were going crappy, when I was pissed off and thinking I had a 'right' to drink that I needed to be vigilant.  I'm not so sure that I don't need to be AS vigilant when things are going well.  So I go to meetings—and I call WPIML…..and I do my readings and suit up and show up when I'm asked……..cuz it's about my LIFE, yaknow?"

And then I looked at him and said "Can you imagine what would happen if I started drinking?"

And he answered….in a voice that said 'pay attention Mel'……

"It scares me to, but yes…….I can--and do imagine it."

Crap.

Yaknow—suddenly I have something 'different' to talk to WPIML about.  And it ain't so much about what pissed me off three days ago…. 

Whatdaya wanna bet he rings me back today…..LOL  That's JUST how it happens in my life…..'zackly when it's suppose to.