AFGO moment # six gazillion and thiry two

We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don't have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don't have to force insight or awareness before it's time.

Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it - until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.

The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.

When we are ready, when the time is right - we will know what we need to know.

It's worthy of me posting twice, in two different places.

Based on where I've been and what I know I'm holding on to--I can let go of it now.

You start putting stuff to paper and you realize your part--leastwise I do.
Oh, it's not that I'm 'done' dealing in the truths about Mel in this last AFGO moment. Far from it.
But at least I know it's a done deal to lament and feel sorry for myself over it.

People ARE where they are.
I am where I am--and it's perfectly 'okay' to be where my feet are today.

More really WILL be revealed to me and I'm sure it'll find it's place in the big scheme of things.
I GET to do some things today--that I shouldn't, by all 'rights', GET to do.

I can be done whining and moaning and indulging in self pity--and I can get about the business of taking CARE of business...........mine...........

Mutter about wisepersoninmylife ONE day and wanna hug the byjeepers outta him the next.

LOL

Normal for ME!

Antimonsterlites

*blushing*
Is this where I confess to sleeping with a nite-light on?

I do.
Wanna make something of it?! *looking menacing*

Really--I do sleep with the anti-monster lite on. It's a big deal if it's off.
I mean a HUGE deal----a send him outta bed to turn it on, replace a bulb, GET UP AND FIX IT NOWWWWWW kinda deal--as I'm laying in bed snuggly warm AND safe under all the blankies.

Monsters lurk in the dark, dontcha know.......

And we have a showcase with a mirror at the end/start of the hallway so it's doubly important.
Don't get me wrong--I love the case with all the trains there cuz we get to look at 'em anytime we want!
BUT.......There are moments in that hallway that I quit breathing because of that darn showcase cuz I'm CONVINCED, for those few split seconds, that someONE or someTHING is lurking ahead or behind me.

GET UP, GET UP, GET UP!!
Cuz IIIIIIIIIIII'm not gonna leave the safety of those blankies pulled over my head to wander where the monsters are lurking!! Nosirree BOB!
I nudged, I whined, I begged........and ultimately stole the blankets at near one in the morning and lived through his "bloody hell, woman........" :-D

It was a simple flip of the switch to make the glitter happen and the monsters run away.
*chuckling*
And I stayed all warm and snuggly!
That's what REALLY counts, right?
Cuz it's ALL about MEMEME!!! LOLOL

Yeah, yeah......g'head........

I know it's a tad late for a cuppa coffee--but I'm having one anyway.
The girl gave me this nifty keeno coffee 'pod' thingy and I now have a Frank cup....LOL It's all good. A cuppa coffee and a treat from the monster jar, what's NOT good about that?!

Okay.........so caffeine at this hour probably won't aide the sleep process. And that treat is probably about Mel feeding her fragile little feeling.
But what the heck-- Sleep probably won't happen for a while cuz I.........................have homework to do.

I got to see wisepersoninmylife tonight.
It'd been a while.
Between my work demands and his responsibilities it's been near impossible to actually be in the same place at the same time. We'd crossed paths in a meeting or two and I got that 'evil eye', raised eyebrow thingy--so I knew I was past due for making a get-together actually come together.

"Sooooooooooooo..........how'm I doin' oh great wisepersoninmylife?!"

"Shitty."

(Okay--so that wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.......LOL I was looking for a bit of tea and sympathy, dagnabbit!)

"Right! Been nice talking to ya!"

"You asked me to take your inventory.....I gave you the shortened version."

"Right!! Care for a cuppa coffee?"
(I even tried a treat from the monster jar but he wasn't having ANY of it....)

"Nope. Wanna KNOW what I care about?"

"Taxes and the current price of gasoline bychance?" (shoulda ducked lower and ran faster--but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............I'm a glutton for punishment!)

"YOU."

Ah..........
*sigh*
Don't get me wrong--it's really nice to know that I'm cared about and loved. NOT that I always like being accountable, but it's nice to know that I GET to be (elsewise they'd be digging up the backyard to see where I'd hidden the bodies! LOL), even if it's via wisepersoninmylife who's gonna take my inventory because I ASKED A STUPID QUESTION!!!

Yeah, yeah........I now have 'homework' and a written inventory to crank out. Look at MY defects and MY motives and MY actions.
He didn't EVEN wanna see what I'd written in my tenth step journal--"Do a different one, separate and without the noise and B.S."

:-P Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttt!!!!

And ...."pay attention to where you're at" in my relationship to the Big Guy?

*banging head*
What WAS I thinking when I told wisepersoninmylife that perhaps he needed to take that up WITH the Big Guy cuz I wasn't talkin' to him.

HE'S on my list, dontchaknow.....
HE needed to make it abundantly clear what HE wanted me from me in this whole freaking ordeal last week and HE'S yet to 'get around to it'.

Oy.
Small wonder I have homework, huh?

Wisepersoninmylife isn't always THE most comfy person to be around.
And I'm a bit ruffled that I didn't get a headlock at the end of the conversation.
All *I* got was a "Someone hurt your fragile little alcoholic feeling and you're using it as an excuse to NOT do what's required Mel..................you MIGHT consider getting over it."

Hmmmmmmmmmmph!
I WILL!!...........JUST as soon as the Big Guy gets back to me with answers to MY questions!!

LOL.........ya think maybe I have that bassackwards? LOL

This..........

This is our lawn........
......and this is our sidewalk on leaves!
Don't do leaves!

This is Mel on her campaign to "Just say NO to leaves"! LOL

(I'm secretly hoping the wind changes directions and gives the gifts of leaves to our good neighbour..........hey.......he gave me his today! Seems only fair, dangit!)

One pissed off cat.........

Is this where I confess to NOT being a lover of cats?
Is this where I admit that I have one pissed off cat and I just don't care?! LOL

When I said "yes, thank you, I think I'd like to do that" LITTLE did I know what I was getting myself into!
Yep--we're talking two cats, a bird and a whole HOThouse worth of flowers that need watered and fed, daily. (yes....the flowers need fed too..........AND covered up if it's going to get cold!)

My bone isn't with the flowers--they don't run, hide and spit at me. They sit willingly still and LET you water and feed them.
And then there's that furry...........fella. (yep, that's cleaned up language--that's NOT what I call the darn thing!)

I've chased him and cornered him and put him in a headlock every freaking day this week.
Kitty needs a pill daily, dontchaknow!

NO. I DIDN'T know--but I do now!
And he knows he isn't gonna like getting this HUGE pill shoved down his throat.

BOY can that little furry............fella RUN!

And BOY am I looking forward to his human returning and passing the baton back cuz he's one PISSED OFF cat.

*snickering*
I'm sure it's nothing personal..........LOL

How easy to say, how difficult to remember

We're learning something different-- It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening.
What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed?
What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation?
What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand that some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway.
Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are.
We achieve intimacy, and relationships that really work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough.
It is who we were intended to be.

I'm all for being all that I was intended to be.
It's when my itty bitty fragile alcoholic feeling gets hurt that I forget WHOSE opinion of me really matters.

I don't get to be what other's expect me TO be.........I get to be the me that I was designed to be....and that's always 'good enough', even if it's not always 'comfy'.

What a difference a walk can make, eh?
And "the difference between solitude and lonliness is how well one is liking the company they're keeping", eh?
;-)

Name one thing you have misplaced and never found again.
Where did it go?

Welllllllll there's a question and a half....and tack on that 'duh' question to boot!

Fine.....

I tucked away a pin that a friend gave me:

"Runs with scissors"


LOL Yeah, yeah......I know, very VERY appropriate, dontchathink?!

Only--I put it someplace so safe.... I haven't been able to find it for better than a year.

Where did it go?

Umm.........duh? LOL If I HAD a clue it wouldn't be lost?!?!!!

*chuckling*

Sometimes a walk is required..

Sometimes it just makes sense to take a bit of a walk.
I didn't run into another single person the entire time--
Considering I needed the solitude--it was nice that arrangements were made.
It's pretty enough.
Quiet enough....

I'm pretty convinced that it was just what my attitude needed.

I think I'm officially 'adjusted' now. LOL
(mind you--that was a 'think'....)

;-)

I like the view-- LOTS!!

It was a get in the Jeep and GO kinda Sunday.
We'll go again--cuz the trees haven't hit their peak and cuz it's a good time of year to take care of that 'get out whilest you can' need.
But it is a lovely view.
And I'm talking to cows and piggies and farmers the entire time cuz I can.

*chuckling*
HELLO, cows!!
HELLO, piggies!!

Pity the poor fella--he gets to put up with me!

And what's so silly about pulling the Jeep to the shoulder to watch a gargantuan combine chewing up beans and puking out the remains, I ask?

*shrugs*
It's ALWAYS an adventure to put me in a small, confined space dontchaknow!

Sunday's Adventure

Pffffffffffffttttttttt to the reading fairies!!

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?--Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy (oh puhhhhllleeassseeeee!!! *gak*)

We choose the lives we lead. (like HECK I chose this moment in time!! 'Cuse me!!! I did NOT choose this moment and I'd like to a 'redo' on this one if I could, please!)
We choose sadness or happiness; success for failure; dread or excited anticipation. (blah, blah, blah....oy brother......HELLO!! I didn't CHOOSE the circumstances, remember?)
Whether or not we are conscious of our choices, we are making them every moment. (Okay........so THIS is true--I am making choices 24/7. I'm also making a choice to have a tantrum cuz I didn't CHOOSE the circumstances--are you NOT listening?! Can we move on to a different topic or subject--I'd like that!)
Accepting full responsibility for our actions is one of the requirements of maturity. (*tap tap tap* HELLO???!!!--did I NOT say "I don't WANNA be a grownup--I don't WANNA be responsible"?!?! You're really NOT listening, huh? *sigh*) Not always the easiest thing to do, but necessary to our further development. ('Cuse me--did I SAY I wanted to 'develop' further?! Did I say I wanted to 'develop' period?! PASS on the 'develop' moment, thanks.) An unexpected benefit of accepting our responsibility is that it heightens our awareness of personal power. (Oh, I have a whole LOT of personal power....but again, I remind you--I was clear and concise--I don't WANNA be responsible!! Sheeeeshhhhhhh!! *grumbling*)Our well being is within our power. (hmmmm.....lemme get back to you on that--tomorrow or next year perhaps.....next topic, please!)Happiness is within our power. (*rolling eyes*) Our attitude about any condition, present or future, is within our power, if we take it. (don't MAKE me roll my eyes again! I'll do it! I MEAN IT!!!)
Life is "doing unto us" only what we allow. (now wait a doggone minute here--I did NOT create this moment in time, 'member?!! It's 'doing unto' me what it's 'doing unto' me, dangit--and I'm NOT a happy bunny!! TOPIC CHANGE!! TOPIC CHANGE!!!)And it will favor us with whatever we choose. (Okay........FINE!! STICK to your dang topic. If it's about life favoring me with whatever I choose--I choose to win the lottery!! *smug sneer* I'll take the winnings in one lump sum, thanksverymuch......)If we look for excitement, we'll find it. (*looking around* This was NOT the brand of 'excitement I was looking for, thanksmuchly. Didn't you hear me-- I'm now asking for the lottery cuz that seems like it'll be loads more fun!!)We can search out the positive in any experience. (k........I'm not seeing a whole lot of 'positive' in the persenting circumstances so......reaaaaaaaaaally--I've changed my mind and I'm now searching out those winning lottery numbers....*pulling out pen and paper and poised to write down those numbers*)All situations present seeds of new understanding, if we are open to them. ('seeds of new understanding'?!?..........I don't LIKE my 'new understanding'--please give me different 'seeds'...or gimme the winning lottery numbers already!)Our responses to the events around us determine whatever meaning life offers. (Okay....so life is 10% what happens and 90% my reaction TO it--obviously I AM reacting.....can we PLEASE talk about the lottery now..... please?)We are in control of our outlook. (*rolling eyes and sticking out tongue*)And our outlook decides our future. (Pfffffffffffffftttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-P Pfffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt again!!)
This day is mine, fully, to delight in--or to dread. (thanks for narrowing that down for me........)The decision is always mine.

*rolling eyes*
*making raspberry noises*
*tossing the reading book out into the nearby trashcan*
*going to research the lottery system*

Eight things about Mel

Sunshine had a post that tagged anyone who wanted to BE tagged so...........here I am giving it a whirl. It'll do me good, I'm sure!



Eight things about Mel(off the top of my head):

1. I'm right handed. (gee....isn't that special! LOL)
2. I'm fussy about food touching and food that's put together. Somethings are just not MEANT to be together or touching. Yes, my tummy has separate compartments...so pfffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!! THIS is essential and important enough to warrant having a secret compartmentalized plate which is used only in the privacy of our little yellow house on the corner. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! You're now sworn to secrecy and can't tell!
3. I like socks--I don't mean I like just ANY sock......I mean I like funky socks and I like to show 'em off at opportune times. Right now I'm into Halloween socks--go figure.
4. I have a 'bum leg', courtesy of putting a little red Fiat under a big yellow school bus. No one meant to put it under the schoolbus, of course. That'll happen when everyone falls asleep in a car--including the driver. BTW--there were no children ON the schoolbus, thankyou G-d!
5. My watch is set to GMT. Yep, that means I'm constantly subtracting six hours.
6. I won't wear pink('cept on socks!). It just ain't gonna happen.......don't even bother.
7. I have bifocals and I despise them. *grumbling* AND I'm avoiding a new script which will probably put me into the realm of TRI-focals. *muttering* OMG........
8. BTW--I can swear like a trucker--and will, on occasion. 'Bloody hell' is about AS risque as the Brit gets--he's blushed a time or two, courtesy of me.

Well, that was interesting.........LOL

Right off the top of my head without thought--

Suddenly pushing 'publish post' is a scary thing! LOL

I don't WANNA be a grown-up no more........

No really.....

After I pushed over the other chair at the table, tossed random bits of the newspaper ads all over the Brit's dinner area AS he was eating, whined, ate with my fingers, flipped over the salt and pepper--put my feet on the table AND stole his cuppa java---- I admitted it.

I don't WANNA be a grown-up ANY more.
I don't WANNA be responsible.
I don't WANNA be kindly.
I don't WANNA be professional.
I don't WANNA be compassionate.
I don't WANNA be understanding or tolerant or forgiving OR loving.
I don't WANNA look at things from all sides.

I just wanna whine and kvetch and carry on and be vindictive and retalitory and fickle.
I wanna gossip and babble on about others and do unto others as they've done unto me.
I wanna not be accountable or responsible or trustworthy and truthful.
I wanna act childish and selfish and immature.

See, when you're tossing things all over the table, pushing over chairs and flipping your sock covered feet onto the table and just being an overall menace at the supper table the ODDS ARE you're going to get asked "What's the point?"

See above.
I don't WANNA be a grown-up ANY MORE.

*sigh*

I have such a loving man in my life.
He whipped off my sock, grabbed a pen and drew piggy faces on all five of my toes on my left foot(which was across the table and in his face btw)..........AND he put squiggly tails on the top-sides at my request.

I kinda feel better now.

I'm weary.

And because of circumstances, I can't share why or what it is that tears at me.

I'm just plain weary.

It's not the long hours.
It's not the decisions I get to make or the mission driven lifestyle that I get to live.
I can tell you what it's not.


The Brit asked me if I was considering leaving all of what I've known and lived and let drive me for a whole lot of 24 hours.

Never in my life have I felt so close to saying it was possible.

I'll pause.
I'll pray about it.
And I'll ask G-d to direct my thinking so I can make the choices that are 'right' and 'true' to what's good.

I'm guessing I'll land where I'm suppose to if I just trust G-d and do what's 'right'.

I'm just plain weary.......

And I'm pretty sure someone hurt my fragile feeling--All one of 'em.

G'head and growl

Gotta remember--"if they're talking about you, they're leaving someone else alone".
MUST remember that....
If they're talking about ME, they're leaving someone else alone.

And their opinions of me are NONE of my business.
*nodding*

Okay...
Just lemme check my perception here:
Two open 'prime time' positions.
One open night position.
One person who cannot work shifts---until further notice.
One night person, sick and off for a week.
Twenty three incidents of 'sickie persons' in the past ten days.
*doing math*
That leaves--with everything added together that I CAN predict--200 hours this week alone.....with, G-d help me, NOone calling in sick. (like THAT'S apt to happen when children are projectile vomitting!!)
200 HOURS.

And then people growl because I'm in a position of saying 'no' to their time off?
*scratching head*
Can they not do the math?

And they want me to work someone six days a week so they can work three days and have four days off?*scratching head*That's not feeling quite---sensible......let alone kindly!

Growl away! LOL

Self actualization moment!!

Fancy way of saying the lightbulb went on.
And it's not something I didn't already KNOW.....it's just another affirmation of what I DID know.

Ready for this one?
*
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*
*
*

I like attention from the Brit.
*
*
*
*
*
Alert the news media!!
I mean I really, REALLY like attention from the Brit.

The 'crawl under the newspaper, wiggle his book, invade his space, talk until he can't focus on what he's doing, bombard him with beanie creatures from the bed's headboard, talk in the dark, whap his leg, stretch across his lap......I want 'ttention!!' kinda attention.
NOW, dangit!!

Duh, huh? LOL
I really do pity the fella most days for signing up for this.
Cuz even if he SAYS he had a clue--I don't think he did....not really! LOL

Oh well!!
He'll get over it.
AND he'll gimme 'ttention!!
*snickering*
As in now.......whilest he's trying to focus on some article he's reading on the internet...
:-D
Yep.........I'm gonna invade his space and he's gonna LIKE IT, dangit!!

QOTW September 24th

What's the last thing most people learn about you?


One of the last 'facts' that folks seem to learn about me is that there ARE children in my life with names. LOL Lovingly referred to as 'the girl' and 'the boy', it's rare that I ever use their names....even with them.
People that I've worked with for 17 years couldn't tell you the names of the children. Most couldn't even vouch that they 'know' there are two grown children in my life, let alone be able to tell you their names. Truth be told, there were a host of them utterly confounded when I took vacation last year to watch the girl land in Boston and were shocked when they learned that I had a grown child (two even!) in my life.

*shrugs*
What can I say--I'm not into talking about other people? LOL

Exactly how long.......

......does it take to bag 181 bags of treats, complete with toys?
Ohhhh.....about three hours. But I'm thinking it woulda been less had I been less anal about 'little girl bags' and 'little boy bags' and 'little anybody bags'. LOL
181 bags---
I think we need more candy......uh huh, uh huh.....LOLOL

I'd like my shoe leather well done, thanksverymuch.

There's a no brainer for ya.
I OUGHTA be embarassed.
And BOY did I wander into a situation TOTALLY unaware........
But I'm feeling a bit smug even if I AM embarrassed.....

So......

The neighbour kiddo came over to sell give a pitch for buying magazines/newspapers--JUST got into middle school and he's already charming people outta money. LOL

As he's printing out the order for the Brit (yep, he's a sucker for little kids selling things!) the kiddo pipes up how we have THE neatest Halloween decorations EVER--so silly me pipes up "yeah, we BEAT YOU this year....ya little cheaters!". (last year they had lights out BEFORE 9/11 for Halloween and flipped 'em on the day after........hence winning the race of the Halloween decorations!)

Well, mom's not putting out decorations this year, says the kiddo.

"Well, why NOT!?" I demanded, reminding him of how much fun he had last year beating US to the punch.

Cuz dad made a crack about mom's decorations last year.

Ahhhhhhh.......
(Oops?)
Try as I might, I couldn't undo that one--so I moved on to X-mas decorations and the great trees that they put out that binky different colours! All WE have is an eight foot snowman (and a few gazillion lights...LOL)

Mom isn't putting out X-mas decorations this year either--not even a TREE.

(Oy.......gimme shoe leather to eat and let's just get it over with already?)

"Well, I'm SURE she'll be changing her mind on that one--who can resist holiday lights."

Wellllllllllllllllllll..........apparently mom can cuz dad made a remark about those, too and she said she's not doing ANY decorations this year AT all.
(is this where I remember if there were fourth of July lights out?....come to think of it.........nope.......there weren't.......)

(G'head....I'd like my shoe leather welldone. )

He tells me HE'S in charge of decorating for Halloween--if there's decorating that's to be done.

Great.

"Wanna help me?"

(no.........but I'd like to whallop the dad along side the head, thanksverymuch!)
"SURE!! Let's GO!!!"

So I went...........and we came up with a whole HOST of ideas!
And then brother came out to help him and everybody got all kinds of excited.
And I went home to eat REAL Hungarian Goulash made by 'im indoors.

Uh huh.......
They're lit up like a runway over there!!
And I am soooooooooooo gonna whap that dad a good one........

Revenge?
*chuckling*
The kiddo's all lit up, ain't he?

Standin fillerinner

*chuckling*
Nahhhhh.........not me!
Well, at least not YET.

But I'm now down a number of staff--though the kiddos are feeling much better, thanksforthinkin'about'em.
All I can say is it must hit darn fast!
I went over the staffing schedule for the weekend with the supervisor who was SUPPOSE to be on duty this weekend--and an hour later when I'm checking to make sure we're all set I hear tales about the poor gal upchucking on the porch to the unit, not once, not twice but THREE times.
(pity the poor compassionate people who volunteered to clean up THAT mess--cuz I sure do!!)

The good news--we scheduled ourselves one person extra for the next two days. The bad news--we no longer have that one person extra.
But we have ME!! (YEAH MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!) I've become the standin fillerinner!
I KNEW better than to make grand escape plans for the weekend.
*sigh*
I so need a vacation.

Didn't I just have one not so long ago and how come that feels like it never happened?
*sigh*