Pissed off beyond all recognition=....scared

It's kinda like a 'knee-jerk' reaction for me.

Tell me something sad, I get really, really pissed off beyond recognition and tell the Big Guy off.

I don't even know that I'm genuinely angry with Him. I just don't like being scared or sad. They're not especially 'fun' emotions for me.

Scared is the biggie.

Sad's generally a byproduct of scared.

Pissed off beyond recognition is a byproduct of scared.

Scared........sucks.

And frankly, I think I run on scared a LOT.

I'd like to say I'm pissed off beyond recognition, but whenever I do that I get to look at what's driving that 'pissed off beyond recognition' moment.....and almost always I end up with the 'fear' crud.

I had a moment before my 'admired and revered' Right Turn Left Turn meeting which takes place every Tuesday.

The lovely cellphone (yes, that's said with distain) rang and one of my staff persons let me know 'the latest and greatest' on another of my staff persons who is undergoing chemotherapy for ovarian cancer.

The good news is I excused myself from the meeting and went to a smaller room to take the call, privately.

When a CA125 (the indicator for cancer cells) goes from 17 to 323 in three weeks--and 'normal' is 10-14.......a swearword come outta your mouth.

If you're me, you recheck the data to make certain you've heard correctly......and then swear again.

You issue words you hope the person on the other end finds 'hopefilled' and there's that split second of 'buy time, buy time' before you hang up. And that's when you get tearful and glance upwards to announce 'That REALLY pisses me off---NOT FAIR.......'

And then you try to paste it together real fast.......and get back to what it was you were suppose to be doing, mutter a 'rethink your position' prayer, (cuz occasionally I'm still into telling the Big Guy how to do His job)....

....and you quietly slip back into the meeting.

And what do we have in this meeting?
Someone who's getting a birthday cake cuz they're turning fifty.

And they're mumbling and grumbling about turning fifty, doing their own drama around 'getting old'.

It's amazing that I didn't scream at the person and the whole lot of them.

I didn't.

But I did suggest that it was cause for celebration--cuz they 'get to' be fifty. They 'get to' have a cake and prezzies and all the frills that come with a birthday, 'get to' be with friends coworkers family and loved ones, 'get to' participate in another day on the planet....

What they 'get to' have is a moment of oblivion about their own mortality.

I decided that was a luxury some folks just don't 'get to' have, today.

I'm not sure which is the gift yet....

And I'm still mad at the Big Guy. (which means I'm scared as all get out and He knows it)

But I'm grateful........really REALLY grateful that we were able to buy enough time to see one of the persons kiddos through high school, another win a medal in track, another fumble their way through their first dance recital, and another through their discovery of the difference between boys and girls.

I'm just scared as hell.