Ya make PERFECTLY good snese! (Oh, I'm so relieved to hear from you that just leaving a 'x' woulda been wonderful!)
I'm really, really sorry you're having such a tough go of it right now, dearheart. Please know that there's lots of folks who are praying for you and thinking of you--noone wants to see you go it alone, yaknow? Take what you need for you. And keep 'rising'. You owe it to yourself, eh? ((((((( ILTV ))))))))))
(I'm holdin' ya to your promise, yaknow.) (gently--of course--but holding you to it cuz you matter whole bunches to me!)
well, I think with hindsight it was a very long, very awful panic attack that turned into something really really bad
that I couldn't handle
so then I tried to lose myself
:-(
didn't work. . .
so, now I'm back - but amongst the things I "lost" on the way to losing myself were my laptop with all my (digital) photos of the Small People and all my writing and all my images of my bookbinding and my collection of images I had scanned and picked up all over the place and all my poems and lyrics and and and my cell phone, with all my numbers, and I deleted my blogs too
I didn't intend to be anywhere, I was that lost
but - perhaps - it is better to be here with "nothing" (apart The Teen moaning over my shoulder about me using his computer)(and a Small Person and a Middle One)(currently fighting downstairs) and just be here
and being where I am means I can be where you are when you share that with everyone - and that feels like part of home to me now, after almost two years
Once upon a time, when I was smaller and younger--shorter and younger is probably more accurate (I wasn't a 'small' child.) "Alli, alli oxen free" was what I waited for when we played Hide 'n Go Seek.
I was pretty decent at hiding and being really still. (hazzard of the home I grew up in, methinks....well trained in becoming invisible)
I'd run like mad, find a out-of-the-way place and tuck myself in to wait and wait and wait--hiding out until I was almost certain I'd been the victim of an evil trick--that noone really cared to find me and I'd been left behind in my hiding--so unimportant that being 'found' wasn't really something anyone was even going to bother to do.
It'd go from being pleased with myself for being so well hidden to being scared sh**less that I was lost and alone, far from 'home' (wherever that was)--with not a soul caring if I was found.
I was always relieved to hear that "Alli, alli oxen free". It gave me permission to go to where someone was--it gave me a direction to go towards. I could find and go 'home'....I could go and BE 'home' without the consequence of being 'it'.
12 comments:
Dear Mel, would you be very very kind and email me (mnbardsley@hotmail.com)
Got a worry I hope you may have an answer to.
xxx
PS, I really, really, like the view too :)
Oh, just gorgeous!! :D We got some good pictures of snow, here, today, too. Is that enough commas in one sentence?
Mel,
I'm guessing she'll be back when she is ready and I'm sure that she knows how much she is missed.
Dash x
well if she reads this...I miss reading her...
hello
don't understand the alli thing. . .
:-(
didn't do too well voer xmas and kinda lost myself before New Year
but this:
Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
means a lot to me right now
as you do
((((((((((((mel))))))))))))
don't know what I'm going to do now, but when I do know I'll let you know. . .
if you see what I mean
(drugged up to eye balls, so probably not making much snese)(see what I mean)
X
((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))
Ya make PERFECTLY good snese!
(Oh, I'm so relieved to hear from you that just leaving a 'x' woulda been wonderful!)
I'm really, really sorry you're having such a tough go of it right now, dearheart. Please know that there's lots of folks who are praying for you and thinking of you--noone wants to see you go it alone, yaknow?
Take what you need for you.
And keep 'rising'.
You owe it to yourself, eh?
((((((( ILTV ))))))))))
(I'm holdin' ya to your promise, yaknow.)
(gently--of course--but holding you to it cuz you matter whole bunches to me!)
((((((ILTV)))))))
do you know, I felt your peace filled thoughts when I was in hospital. . .
I really wanted you to know that
((((((mel and mig)))))))
(((( ILTV ))))
I just had these moments of feelin' upside down and inside out--and a bit lost.
Dunno if that was you or me....maybe both of us, huh?
I'm really, really, REALLY glad you're back.
No....I mean REALLY!
;-)
I was lost
or I lost myself
and then I "lost" something I hled dear
and then
well, I think with hindsight it was a very long, very awful panic attack that turned into something really really bad
that I couldn't handle
so then I tried to lose myself
:-(
didn't work. . .
so, now I'm back - but amongst the things I "lost" on the way to losing myself were my laptop with all my (digital) photos of the Small People and all my writing and all my images of my bookbinding and my collection of images I had scanned and picked up all over the place and all my poems and lyrics and and and my cell phone, with all my numbers, and I deleted my blogs too
I didn't intend to be anywhere, I was that lost
but - perhaps - it is better to be here with "nothing" (apart The Teen moaning over my shoulder about me using his computer)(and a Small Person and a Middle One)(currently fighting downstairs) and just be here
and being where I am means I can be where you are when you share that with everyone - and that feels like part of home to me now, after almost two years
:-)
I hope you understand
(u)
Ya know, I think I DO understand.....
( ( ( ILTV ) ) )
Once upon a time, when I was smaller and younger--shorter and younger is probably more accurate (I wasn't a 'small' child.) "Alli, alli oxen free" was what I waited for when we played Hide 'n Go Seek.
I was pretty decent at hiding and being really still. (hazzard of the home I grew up in, methinks....well trained in becoming invisible)
I'd run like mad, find a out-of-the-way place and tuck myself in to wait and wait and wait--hiding out until I was almost certain I'd been the victim of an evil trick--that noone really cared to find me and I'd been left behind in my hiding--so unimportant that being 'found' wasn't really something anyone was even going to bother to do.
It'd go from being pleased with myself for being so well hidden to being scared sh**less that I was lost and alone, far from 'home' (wherever that was)--with not a soul caring if I was found.
I was always relieved to hear that "Alli, alli oxen free".
It gave me permission to go to where someone was--it gave me a direction to go towards.
I could find and go 'home'....I could go and BE 'home' without the consequence of being 'it'.
Yep.
Alli, alli oxen free!
*huge hugs*
:-)
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