Another cuppa coffee.......

Two different kinds of squash, mushrooms and meats from the grill. That's what was plonked down for dinner.

Who'da thunk it would pleased me to no end.

.....k.....well, that's cuz I mostly passed on the meats...ick....

Yup....

It was a great dinner. ('specially cuz I wasn't forced to indulge in 'protein'....thinkin' that was the company that was being kept, actually... I really, really, REALLY am not fond of meats--!)

And the conversation that ensued, thereafter...not totally bad either!

I always feel more centered in what's good and true when I get to spend some time with WPIML....dunno how that works, I just know it does for me.

A good cuppa coffee and a lovely 'catch up' (and while you're at it PLEASE take my inventory and point me in the right direction--just don't make me make it look like I might actually WANT you to do that, k?....)--it's always good for me to get 'jacked up' and 'challenged'.

I get complacent---and I get lazy and cocky and....kinda bored (?) if it's just me that I'm listening to.

Oh yeah.....and I lie to myself. LOL

(there's a tidbit I best put into black and white and not forget!)


It starts simple enough when I'm in WPIML's company...and pretty soon, cuz I'm sooooo relaxed and soooooo complacent and sooooooo cocky--I'm laying myself open to being challenged just by opening my mouth. LOL MORE reasons to have marshmallows handy IF you don't want busted out.

I........really DO want 'busted out'.
Fact is, if he's not catching on--I'm quick to call him 'blind and deaf', repeat the stupidity and give him permission TO go there and tell me what's what.
Sometimes I have a hard time letting it LOOK like I want him to do that.....cuz......it looks... needy?! .....ick.

*sigh*

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when the question was put to me.

"How ya doing at letting things look as they ARE?"

Oh shoot.......busted.
If there was one topic I'da preferred to not delve into--that woulda been it. I mean, that's been the focus for a great deal of time.
I have this thing about letting myself LOOK just as sad, just as invested, just AS caring and loving and grateful as I truly am.

I can be sarcastic.
I can be witty and make jokes about all of that stuff.


But letting myself just BE where my feet are--letting it LOOK how it truly IS.....is too darn threatening for some reason.

k......I know it'll make me look like some weirdo from outterspace--and I'll be seen as this mushy, icky, WEAK, stupid person.....omgosh, heaven forbid that I'd actually let myself LOOK like I needed something from another human being or that it actually MATTERED to me if I got it.

*sigh*

So the answer to the question was "GREAT, thanks! I even got teary a couple weeks ago when I was saying goodbye to one of the kiddos that graduated the program!!!!!"

And did that buy me a ticket out of the conversation?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooo.......

*sigh*

Really......talking with WPIML is always a good thing. And he and I have this wonderful relationship that's probably THE most genuine of all the relationships I have. (including the relationship I have with himself)

It matters to me that we stay connected even in the distance. It matters to me that we get some time together. It matters to me that he has his hand in my life, messin' with my till. And for some reason, I'm USUALLY pretty good at letting it LOOK like that matters to me, interpersonally--when it's just him and I.

Tonight---not so.

And truth is-- if anything, my willingness to LET stuff look like it really IS.....hasn't grown in leaps and bounds.

And we're talking a couple YEARS of 'practice, practice, practice'.


Only......I've been stubborn and too 'threatened' by the direction it'd seemingly take me to LET myself practice as I've been willing to practice other disciplines. (oh wait....LOL....which disciplines were THOSE that I was soooooo willing to practice?!?! LOL)

Oy.....

And now I have more 'homework'.....
....which ties into this 'practice, practice, practice'....

...which lives in the house that Mel built......

......"which is or is not a reflection of what's 'true' for Mel?" WPIML asked.

Ohhhhhhhhh he's a wisened bird to ask me that question.
I love him to bits....

..........but I'm gonna haffta hurt him........LOL